Marked for Death: A Rational Naruto Quest

"Hello, hello, boy. Sit, sit, sit! I've got a casserole coming out of the oven and it's a brand new recipe."

"Run, boy! Run for your life!"

Shima thwapped Fukasaku over the head with her wooden spoon on her way back to the kitchen, leaving Noburi standing bemused in the doorway.

Fukasaku rubbed his head and glared balefully after his wife of multiple centuries. "Grouchy old bat, I oughta—"

"What's that, dear?" Shima called from the kitchen. "Something I need to hear?"

"Nope! Come on, boy. Come sit." The ancient Toad Sage, currently lounging at the dining table, kicked another chair out from underneath it and waved Noburi over. The young Toad Summoner followed directions and sat. He couldn't help looking into the kitchen to where Shima was busily pulling the casserole out of the oven. She was using a kitchen cloth to shield her hands from the heat, which Noburi thought had to be performative. Fukasaku routinely lit his pipe with a head-engulfing fireball and Noburi had trouble believing that Fukasaku's wife wasn't at least as tough. On the other hand, it was a bit hard to remember that because the purple-haired, lipsticked toad was wearing an apron with frills and the words 'Kiss the Cook, Get a Princess!' on the front. The lettering was faded from many washes and the lower hem was badly frayed.

"It was a gift from Jiraiya," Fukasaku said quietly, seeing the direction of Noburi's gaze. "The apron."

Noburi swallowed as simultaneous stabs of nervousness and grief hit. "He was your Summoner for a long time, wasn't he?"

"Forty years? Something like."

The Toad Sages' apartment was built long and straight, the front area containing a couch and chairs intended for toads, the middle being a dining area with the kitchen T-ing off to the left, and shoji screens hiding what was presumably the sleeping area in the back. The windows were high and wide and the place was filled with good smells, natural light, and the solidity of a home lived in for human generations. One could almost feel the memories soaked into the walls.

"I miss him a lot," Noburi said. "I'm sure nothing like as fiercely as you do, but I do." He pulled out a storage seal and unsealed a bottle of hot sake and three cups. He filled the cups and offered the choice to Fukasaku.

"He was a good boy," Fukasaku said calmly, sliding one of the cups over to his placemat and then engulfing himself in fire in order to light his pipe. He drew on the pipe a couple times to ensure it was well lit, then took it out of his mouth to stare blankly at it. "And yes, I do."

"So do I."

Noburi jumped in shock at Shima's quiet words. Somehow she had emerged from the kitchen and was standing at his elbow with the casserole dish in one bare hand, a trivet in the other, and a sad expression.

"He liked my cooking," she said, the sadness being replaced with a glare at her husband.

"I like your cooking just fine! I just don't see why you have to go changing it around all the time."

"I like to experiment, you dried mudpuddle! Not all of us are stuck in the past!"

"Listen, you old biddy! Don't you be disrespecting me like that! I'm very much here in the present—hah! I'm ahead of the present! I'm leaping into the future with my research, no matter what you say!"

"Hah! As if! No one understands your ramblings and no one wants to! Do you, boy?"

"Sir, ma'am, I asked you before to please leave me out of your marital spats. Also, that casserole smells amazing."

"Hah! See, he likes it!"

"He hasn't tasted it yet! Don't be counting your chakra before it's molded!"

"He'll love it!" She set the trivet down, placed the casserole on it, and pulled a steel spatula out of her apron string. She twirled it like a kenjutsuka performing an advanced kata, slashed the casserole into generous portions with a few rapid strokes, and flipped one of them onto Noburi's plate without splattering a morsel of sauce.

The two ancient toads stared furiously at Noburi as he nervously sliced off a segment with his spoon and tasted it.

"Is it awful? Did she use rotted flies again?"

"They weren't rotted, they were fermented! It was one time, and it was three hundred years ago! Let it go, you old fart!"

"I'll let it go right after you let go of the driver ant thing!"

"This is excellent," Noburi said, inserting himself before things could escalate further. "Thank you." He raised his sake cup in salute to the chef, then knocked it back. Both toads returned the toast.

"Thank you, boy," Shima simpered, immediately before rampaging into Smuggington to claim the mayorship from Smuggley Smuggington. Fukasaku glowered and grumbled but spooned up his casserole quickly enough.

Noburi raced through his casserole—which honestly was delicious—and then leaned back, replete. After a moment he chuckled. "It's funny, the differences and similarities between the Human Path and the Seventh Path."

"Oh?" Shima asked, still nibbling her way through her portion of the casserole.

"Yeah...casseroles aren't really a thing I was expecting to see here. I was prepared to eat really weird stuff in the name of politeness, but my mom made casseroles twice a month or so, and this is as good as her best. Thank you, Shima. Health!"

The two toads returned the toast again. Being frail and two feet tall, they didn't have much of a capacity and were already developing a glow.

"Another thing that I knew but still feels weird," Noburi mused. "You guys are all...well, 'ninja' is the wrong term, but you use chakra like us." He produced another bottle of warm sake from a second storage seal and poured another round.

"Hah!" Fukasaku said, thrusting a long finger at Noburi's face. "We were here first, so you use chakra like us, boy! And not as well, either." His pipe had gone out so he packed and lit another one.

"Fair," Noburi said, nodding and raising his cup in apology. He knocked it back and the two Sages followed. "Although...Jiraiya once mentioned something about the chakra on the Human Path being different from the chakra on the Seventh Path?"





"Different?" Fukasaku said, snorting and puffing importantly on his pipe. "Of course it's different! Nature chakra is way better than your weak-ass human stuff. Sure, it'll kill a human dead if you get so much as a drop in you, but it's great stuff."

"Really? Just a drop?"

"Well, okay, I suppose you lot can handle a little bit. Jiraiya-boy sure used plenty when he went into that Mara nest with me."

"Pa," Shima said. "Shut your fool yap. The boy isn't ready for this."

"Don't you tell me to shut my yap, you old biddy! Obviously he's not ready! Look at that!" He reached over and poked Noburi in the arm, then in the ribs. Noburi eeped and jerked away. "Barely any muscles on him! I made sure that Jiraiya-boy had chakra for days and was built like a brick before I taught him the first little thing, but I still had to whack him most days! If I tried to teach this one he'd be a statue before you could croak out half a snarky word!"

"Pa!"

"Oh, fine, fine, whatever. What's for dessert? You made a dessert, didn't you?"

"Look, you old dingus! I'm not your kitchen slave! I don't have to make you dessert every meal. Why can't you make the dessert occasionally?"

"We agreed that cooking was your job when we first got married! I defend the house, you cook the meals!"

"I never agreed to that! We're supposed to be splitting the chores! And if you think you can defend this house better than I can, you'd best think again!"

Noburi leaned back and listened to the two of them bicker like the extremely old married couple they were. He allowed a small smile to rest on his lips; there was a secret to be had here, and he had gotten part of it. Best of all, he had undoubtedly gotten more than Mr Socially-Clueless-Hurdy-Hurr Hazō would get.


"Ma'am," Hazō said, "I was thinking about the nature of chakra on this Path and how it differs from chakra on my own. Pantsā once told my sister that the people who live here absorb 'nature chakra' as they age."

"Truth is. Asking are you why?"

"I think the Human Path chakra is different. That makes me nervous when I start thinking about the Great Seal, since if the chakra is different then it might interact strangely with sealing. Is there anything you can tell me about nature chakra? Is there a way for me to sense it, or interact with it in some way?"



"Not a question that come up has, I fear. Few Summoners interest have and no cause have I had to the question study. Problem will this be?"

Drat. "Probably not, no. The Seal has enough general similarities to seals I'm familiar with that it likely works on similar principles. The sealmasters of Leaf have made a little bit of progress deciphering it, so I think we're on a good general track. I just wanted to be sure."

"Excellent news is this. When repairs you can make?"

"I'm afraid we're a long way off from that. Months, if we can do it at all. Still, the mere fact that we can make any progress is more than I was hoping for."


"Summoner."

"Cannai. How goes it?"

"It goes well. And for you?"

"Better." He looked down at his legs. "I'm working on my physical therapy. I lost a lot of muscle lying around in hospital for so long, but I'm starting to put it back on. I expect I'll be back to full in a few weeks. Is there anything I can help with that doesn't require a lot of running or fighting?"

Cannai shook his massive head. "You have done much already. The sleds are working well and have rendered it far easier to move pups over long distances." His tongue lolled out. "Indeed, most of them seem to enjoy it enough that they are constantly begging for rides. I have had several complaints from tired parents."

"Oh. Um..."

"Have no fear, Summoner. The occasional grumble is to be expected. Overall, people are delighted, and even the grumblers are grateful on balance. I have suggested to them that it could be an efficient parenting tool. Older siblings growing into their strength can be tricked into pulling their youngers."

"'Tricked'?"

"Did I say tricked? You must have misheard me. I feel certain that I said 'graciously permitted'." He cocked his head to the side in consideration, then nodded firmly. "Yes. That does sounds more like me, don't you think?"

"Absolutely." The Iron Nerve allowed him to keep a completely straight face.

"Excellent. Come, enjoy the grass with me." He lowered himself to the prairie and wriggled around on his back a bit to get comfortable before turning to his side. Hazō sat down, propped himself up against the Alpha Dog's back, and allowed the tension to drain away. The sun was bright and warm, the grass was soft, and this might be literally the safest place he could possibly be. It was fine to let his eyes drift shut and his muscles go loose.

"I've been thinking about your poem," he said, the words a bit tumbly due to their speaker being a third asleep.

"Oh?"

"Yeah. It claimed that the Sage went 'beyond the trees' to rest, and that 'truth or death' could lead to him. A few months ago I passed through a portal to what I think was the afterlife—what we humans call the Naraka Path. I came out on the beach of a massive ocean, but there were a lot of trees there. Stretched as far as the eye could see."

"Fascinating. What do you conclude from this?"

"Maybe people go to the Naraka Path and turn into trees after they die?"

"I suppose it is a possibility," Cannai said. "Stranger things have happened. Still, I'm afraid I have little insight to offer on the topic. I know that thoughts of death and the afterlife are a major topic of speculation among humans, but we Dogs think little on them. This life is sufficient for us."

"Really?" Hazō demanded, opening his eyes and twisting around to look at his pillow in shock. "Seriously? You don't care about what happens after you die?"

"Mmmm, I suppose it's an overstatement. Still, what is a person save the memories of them? Dogs, wind, sound, lightning...all of these things have a speed. Perhaps even light itself does. If that is the case then there is no 'present' for us to experience, only the memories of it."

"...You lost me there."

"Sound takes time to travel, as knows anyone who has seen lightning and waited for thunder. Therefore, you do not hear me when I speak, you hear me a moment later when the sound reaches your ears. Lightning has a speed—if you pay attention you can see the flash travel from the clouds to the ground. If lightning has a speed then perhaps so does light itself, in which case you don't see me when I laugh, you see me a moment later when the light reaches your eye. I exist in your past, if only by the fraction of a moment. Existing in your past means that I am to you a collection of memories, as are you to me.

"When you die, you will continue to be that same bundle of memories. I will recall sitting here with you, in exactly the way I experience it now. How then are you truly dead? What is the difference between you no longer existing and you simply not returning from the Human Path? True, I am no longer making memories of you, but the ones I have are no less you."

"Huh. That's actually...sorta close to some ideas I had a while back." A while back when he had been out of h!s h#ad .n Ou7-ju!ce. No. Fo<us..;.. Bre47he. Remember Ak4ne's scent anD the beaaat of her heart. Remember that your t0es are in the dirt and the sun is On your face. You are here, now, in this m.ment, with Cannai. You have a position in space and in time.

The world shuddered around him but failed to crack. His mantra stilled it like a calming touch stilled a frightened animal and after a moment he was able to speak again without fear of sounding like a crazy person.

"Have you ever heard of 'the king of hell'?" Hazō asked. "I heard a reference to it in a mission report from a while back."

"I fear not. Who or what is the king of hell?"

"It's this...monster, I guess? It got summoned when Pain resurrected a bunch of super dangerous, super violent ninja."

"Well, that sounds like a thumping great tale." Cannai thumped the ground with his own posterior appendage. "See what I did there? Eh? Eh?"

Hazō groaned and knocked his head against Cannai's back a few times. "You're terrible."

A long, gusty sigh blew across the prairie. "No one appreciates me," Cannai lamented. "My comedic genius, unrecognized."

"Would it be inappropriate for me to blow a raspberry at this point?"

"It would indeed. Also, I find myself disappointed that you fail to have the proper degree of respect a summoner should have for their Clan Lord."

"After that joke, I think I do have the proper degree of respect for you."

"And thus I am schooled on the fine art of comebacks. I shall retire from the field, defeated. Now, tell me the tale of this 'king of hell' that is capable of resurrecting people."

Hazō related the story of Nagi Island in Cannai-approved levels of detail. The sun had moved a noticeable arc by the time he was done.

"Fascinating," the massive dog said. "I shall arrange for a visit from Canaria and Canting. You must share that story with them."

"Uh...okay. Aren't they your bards? I don't think I have nearly enough storytelling ability to impress them."

"It is not your job to impress them, it is your job to tell them the tale and answer their questions. They will take charge of making the story fit for a taleswap."

"Right, got it." He let the conversational thread drop and simply sat for a few minutes, enjoying the warmth of the air and of Cannai's furnace-like body. The wind was soft and cool on his face. It smelled of water and rich soil and the occasional hint of wet dog from where some of the youngers were learning to water walk on the nearby river.

"Going back to the poem," he said, jerking back from the very edge of sleep. "The Sage also said that he left 'seven rocks with seven locks.' The Great Seal is, basically, a giant lock made of rock. There're seven paths... are there six more Great Seals?"

"I have no reason to believe either way, since I know little of the other Paths. Aside from the Human Path, they haven't been terribly relevant to my life."

"Feh, that was my next question. How about the Lost Ones? Does that refer to the Sage's Five companions? Or maybe to Lord Jashin?"

"Lord Jashin?"

"He's this god that Hidan worships. God of massacre and sacrifice, but also of sex and love and rebirth? It's weird. There was this one time when my family and I visited the Todoroki Shrine on O'uzo Island..." He spun the tale of Hidan and Itachi and the giant snake, doing his best to make it entertaining. Partway through he had to break off and sit up because Cannai was spasming in laughter.

"Your pardon," Cannai said, gathering his composure together again after a moment. "I imagine that was quite frightening, but the bit about 'do you read a lot of Icha Icha' got me."

"Thanks. Anyway, after that happened..." He finished spinning the story out.

"Another that you shall need to relate to Canting and Canaria. At this rate there shall be an entire cycle, 'The Adventures of Gōketsu Hazō Whom Fortune Favored'."

"'Whom Fortune Favored'? I mean...kicked out of my clan, tricked into being missing-nin, lost my Clan Lord..."

"Indeed. She has been granting you favors from all four paws."

"Ah. Yes, I think I take your point, but what do you mean by 'all four paws'?"

"Lady Fortune dispenses good fortune from her 'on' paws and ill fortune from her 'off' paws. Her forepaws grant fortune in your own dealings and her hind paws grant fortune in the world's dealings with you. She clearly adores you and has been showering her favor upon you most generously."

"Are you making a pee joke?"

"I am not. Such humor is beneath me."

"Uh-huh. Moving on, maybe you know Jashin by another name? His symbol is an upside-down triangle inside a circle."

"I regret having nothing to offer." Hazō's backrest shifted as Cannai looked up to check the position of the sun. "Ah, the day grows old and I have other people I must meet. I fear we must, as Kakashi used to say, 'put a knife in this' and come back to it later. It has been a pleasure speaking with you, Summoner."

"Oh, rats. I still wanted to ask you about the Sage's companions."

"You may ask Canaria and Canting. They will likely know as much or more than I, as both have assiduously sought out every Summoner during their lifetime and dragged stories from them, via tooth clamp where needed."

"Okay. Any idea when they'll be available?"

"I shall have to track them down...I believe Canaria is west of here now, near Falling River pack. Canting is south, residing with Rolling Waves. To find and gather them both will likely take not less than a week but not more than two."

Drat. That was a long time. Well, it wasn't like the information was urgent. "Thank you, Cannai."

"You are most welcome. Now, if you would be so kind to get off of me so that I don't drop you on your teeny little head when I stand up?"

"Oh, right! Sorry." He sat up and then climbed awkwardly to his feet, leaning on the cane with his right hand and using a jet of chakra repulsion from his left to get the process started.

Cannai rolled to his feet and turned to face Hazō, saucer-sized golden eyes not two feet from Hazō's head threatening an unpleasantly literal example of 'eye contact'.

"Be well, Summoner. I look forward to your next visit."

"Thank you, Cannai. I do too." He bowed, then made the handsign of release and disappeared through the dimensions.

---

Author's Note: You are gathered around the dinner table with the full Team Uplift roster. You, Kei, and Noburi have all shared the details you extracted from your various conversations on the Seventh Path. It didn't take long, since Kei struck out just as hard as Hazō did, but everyone was interested in what Noburi discovered. Kei was only in the room for about five minutes, just long enough to relate her experince, and left the moment she was done. Throughout her time there, she studiously ignored Mari's existence.

XP AWARD: 4

Brevity XP: 0

"GM had fun" XP: 1

• +1 for the scene with Ma and Pa

It is now about 9pm.

Vote time! What to do now?

Voting ends on Wednesday, November 24, 2021, at 12pm London time.