You blink in confusion for a moment, trying to parse that. How does it all come together? Then your brain kicks into gear.
It's...
Well, you know that Homura likes the
concrete. Perhaps you might attribute that to her experiences and lack thereof, and to your thoughts that no one ever really taught her the best ways to
learn. Perhaps you might want to ground the notions you're introducing in the same way, but...
Homura asked you a question because she wants to learn. Because she wants to understand. And she learns best,
does best with clear-cut steps and verifiable results.
You can work with that, you think.
"You've already started," you say. You don't move from your spot, shoulder-to-shoulder with Mami, Homura on her far side. "How it all comes together is..."
You chuff out an amused breath, and raise a hand to wave at Mitakihara: frozen in time stop, but Mitakihara nevertheless. Your home, your friends.
"I mean, people are behaving differently towards you, right?" you say. "And as I mentioned - that's because of what
you are doing. So that's where it all begins: just being willing to
try is a start. Because people... as a general rule, people have empathy for other people. If someone else is hurt, you want to help them, right?"
"It's not too hard to see if someone's trying to make overtures of friendship," Mami adds. "And in having empathy, if you see someone else who's reaching out, you're inclined to give them a chance yourself. I imagine... I imagine other mes must have tried."
Homura nods.
"Yeah," you say, tilting your head to slant a grin towards Homura. Give her some examples, something concrete she can hold on to. "So, to ground this hypothetical in reality: how things have changed this time is that you're actively fighting with us, and people know what you're fighting for. That's big, in and of itself. It changed the context of why you were acting so standoffish:
without context, you would have come across as callous and kind of scary, now it's... part of your history. You've been fighting and suffering so long that it's become a, a defense mechanism, but you're still
trying."
"It's part of what led to Sayaka calling you cool," Mami says, smiling slightly. "Because someone who's experienced and worn down by those same experiences but still determined, still
fighting for the good of others
is worthy of respect and admiration. She...
I wouldn't have had the opportunity to see it, to
understand, had you not been willing to show us."
"Context is a good word," you say. Suddenly, you're feeling a bit too restless to just stay seated, and you hop to your feet, standing on thin air once more as you pace back and forth on thin air.
"Context is the real difference," you say, gesturing emphatically at Homura. "You've been trying for years to scare Madoka off this life, and I understand that." You fix Homura with your gaze, solemn and serious and hoping that she gets it. "But without the context of knowing
why you would want to do that, people viewed you with suspicion. It meant that everyone saw your actions in the most negative light."
You forcibly rein your words in, take a breath, and turn to face Homura squarely, smiling gently at her.
"Are we making sense so far, Homura?" you ask. You need to make sure you're not just metaphorically running off without her, after all.
"I... think so," Homura says. Her brows are still drawn together into that frown of concentration as she soaks it all in, hands fidgeting on her lap and amethyst eyes dark as she considers the matter.
"It's something that would have fed into itself, too," Mami says, sighing. "Someone who already had misgivings would naturally see any further actions in an unfavourable light. And I... imagine that I would have contributed, too. If you had rebuffed my overtures towards friendship, I... would have eventually viewed you with suspicion or hostility, and tried to drive you out. I'm sorry."
"It's..." Homura's brow knits a little further, uncertainty and discomfort in equal measure mixing in with intense thought. "It wasn't your fault?"
"It certainly wasn't yours, either," Mami says. "But thank you, Homura." She smiles. "And I... I hadn't intended for this, but if I may use this interaction as an example, did you notice what you did there?"
Homura tilts her head, uncomprehending.
"You showed empathy," Mami says, clasping her hands together and giving Homura a thoughtful look. "You weren't certain of the right thing to say, right?"
A nod, Homura's expression now tinged with a trace of worry - worry that she did the wrong thing.
"But even then, you tried to say something to ease
my concerns," Mami says, smiling now. "You tried to reduce the guilt that I felt."
"I... did?" Homura says, her tone less questioning and more that of someone probing carefully at thin ice. "I..."
"You did," Mami says firmly. "And it worked, because I felt better for the reassurance. You might not have the, ah, experience, or vocabulary that others have to express it sometimes, but even making the attempt to reach out to others is valuable."
"Completely agreed," you say, beaming at Mami and Homura both. You're
thoroughly glad you asked for Mami to be here. "The attempt alone is worth a lot, and that you're less experienced, less certain, doesn't make it any lesser. In some ways, the opposite - to go back to what we were talking about earlier,
context. Even if someone doesn't
know your history, they... guess. They can see that you're trying, they
guess at some of your history, and draw their own conclusions. And by analogy, it's like seeing, say, a firefighter out there with a limp but still
trying to help."
You find yourself leaning forward, gesticulating emphatically. Because this is important, this
is how Homura is, and you... as much as you want her to learn, you want her to
believe. That's every bit as important. But you also need to not scare Homura, so you force yourself calm down again, and
not loom over Homura.
"Does that make sense?" you add in a softer tone. "I know I've been asking that a lot, but it... it's important that I'm not just rambling to myself, it's important that you're following. So please,
please speak up if even the smallest thing doesn't make sense?"
And it
definitely feels like you've been rambling a little. Which is... not, on reflection, a bad thing. You'd come into this conversation with an intention to teach, but frankly, it's more important for Homura to
learn - and part of that is adapting on the fly. So you've taken Homura's questions and followed them, allowing her to dictate the pace. That's a good way to do it, you think.
"It's not an imposition to ask questions," Mami says. "It is, in fact, expected of a learning process."
You beam at Mami once more, reaching out to take her hand. She shoots you a swift smile, and returns her attention to Homura, whose brow has, to your faint surprise, smoothed out.
"No," she says quietly. "It makes sense."
"That's-" The twist of relief unspooling in your chest isn't quite a
surprise, but it's welcome nevertheless. Something in the way Homura says it lets you believe it - that she's begun to understand, that
something of what you're saying is making an impact, and you're glad. "That's good."
Mami squeezes your hand lightly.
"So, ah," you say. "On a slight tangent, Homura, a bit of advice?"
Homura's attention snaps to you, laser-focused once more.
"If someone asks you a question, it's perfectly OK to... to use your experiences as a reason to not answer. It's OK to say that it's too painful or uncomfortable for you," you say slowly. "It's
OK to admit that there are things you won't, or don't want to talk about. That's not weakness to admit, and if someone respects you, they'll back off. Especially people like Sayaka and Madoka, who have some of the context. Do you follow?"
"It's a good thing," Mami murmurs. "It lets them know that there are topics that they shouldn't press, and because they respect you, they would be more inclined to leave the topics alone entirely. They
might come to Sabrina or me, if it isn't a private matter, and..." Mami smiles. "We know enough to redirect them, or assuage their concerns."
Homura nods slowly, her expression clearing like it's a revelation. And perhaps it is, the traces of relief leaking into her expression and her posture a welcome sight.
"And to return to the original topic- well, original
ish topic, how it all comes together is that... you're
already in a position whereby if
you make overtures of friendship, people will at the very least be inclined to give you the benefit of the doubt," you say. "Explaining things, getting them to trust you, that kind of thing... it all fits under the same umbrella."
"It never..." Homura exhales. "It never worked before. I tried to... to tell people."
You turn to face her squarely, considering. She doesn't look
upset, per se, just... baffled. And she's alluded to the question before, too.
"I was going to address that, actually," you say. "The short answer is
circumstances - circumstances are different now.
You are different now. You have information and advantages now that you didn't, that if you choose to employ it, you
could reach out to just about anyone who's not immediately hostile to you. With or without my help."
"All you have to do is try," Mami takes up the thread of conversation. "Not everyone is immediately friendly, no. And unfortunately, not everyone acts in good faith. But our little circle of friends, for example - you, me, Sabrina, Sayaka, Hitomi, Madoka? And... most people?" Mami chuckles lightly. "If they see you reaching out, whatever the cause, whatever the manner, they
will respond in kind."
"And there's... something related there that I want to address," you add, your tone gentling. "You've fought for a long time, Homura, and you've... encountered endless hardships. Much of it with trying to convince people of what you're saying, and I know you've had difficulty there. But things
are different now, right?"
You wait until she nods. Not as reluctant as before, more certain, more steady. Because you're saying nothing that she can't see as true, or so you hope.
"
You are different now, as I said," you continue. "And I have
every confidence that if you should run into some situation where I'm not around to help -which isn't completely unlikely, since, well, you know how I keep running around- that you
can talk things out with people. It might not be easy - but you're
not useless. OK?"
Homura's gaze locks with yours, and you know she hears what you're not saying. You're
not going to let this loop fail. You're not. But if.
If.
She'll be going forward armed with more knowledge, more understanding than she's ever had.
"There's a concept called learned helplessness," you add. "It's exactly what it sounds like: experience after experience 'teaching' you the same thing, that you can't succeed on this one thing. Well: we
have evidence that it's not true. And the best way to overcome that is to just... let yourself relax. Laugh, and smile, and joke when you can,
where you can. It's like recovering from an injury, learning how to walk again."
And there you fall silent, letting Homura digest that. Because therein lies your reassurance
and an implicit course of action you suggest for her: for her to let her walls down. She's already starting to, and you're asking her to take the leap of faith. Perhaps you've given her enough reasons, laid out the costs and benefits and fallbacks sufficiently clearly, but ultimately, the choice is hers.
She's been willing to try this much. She
has been trying. You're not sure how much of it is conscious, but now, you've laid it all out before her.
Finally, slowly, Homura nods.
[] Write-in (word count limit: 150 words)
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You know, I'm really glad on an OoC level that you guys decided to bring Mami along for this conversation, for many reasons - not least of which being that writing Sabrina ranting at Homura for several updates is both difficult to write
and is boring to read.
