So.
Ten years.
Ten bloody years.
I'll be honest, I can't say I expected it would take this long. I started this quest determined to
finish it, because I always knew, from the very beginning,
where we would end. Call it hubris or call it ambition, but I'd intended to finish it within a year or two, a good writing exercise to tackle, a way to see the ideas I had set to the page.
Yeah, uh.
That didn't work out, did it?
Even so,
I'm still here. Life's happened and things are looking preeeeetty different for me how they did ten years ago, but I still love this story. Even if my time and energy have both been spread rather thin lately. My update pace
and story pace have both slowed, I know. But hey.
You guys are still here, too. So here's to you who are reading this: I couldn't do this without you.
Thank you.
I know where we're going. But the journey will shape our destination, so here's
my promise: We'll get there, and we'll find out exactly what it looks like.
Someday.
Here's one possible epilogue.
=====
This is the mind of Akemi Homura.
She thinks about herself, lying in bed and staring at the ceiling.
Lying in bed as she drifts from dreamless slumber to full wakefulness. The first good night of sleep she's had for a few weeks, so she indulges in the pleasant drift and curls into the patch of warmth next to her in the bed.
Her younger self would have been disgusted with her.
Her younger self doesn't have the perspective or the experiences she does, now. She doesn't have the benefit of years of therapy. She doesn't have the benefit of friends, of having
Madoka. Really, and truly.
Her younger self wouldn't have been able to wake up on the nineteenth of
May.
Her younger self wouldn't have understood. Not back then.
It had been normal to snap fully awake every time, that familiar jolt of adrenaline-fear lancing through her every time over her lapse of vigilance. Expected, even. She would have stayed awake for weeks at a time if she could have, because there was nothing more important than protecting Madoka. To
fear, that if she relaxed for the barest moment, the Incubator would strike.
To bring her one step closer to...
Homura shakes her head, forcefully driving the thought from her head. That was then, this is now. But that's enough to bring her to proper wakefulness, the lingering warmth and familiar scent now insufficient.
She rolls off the bed, nudging aside the small mound of plushies and sliding out from under the pastel-green covers. Her right hand twitches towards her left, a familiar reflex she denies, just as she resists the urge to transform. Instead, she hurries out of the bedroom without bothering to change from the oversized shirt she wore as pajamas, without bothering to write down those thoughts in that notebook dedicated to the purpose.
She walks right into Madoka and keeps going for half a step more, stopping only when fully ensconced in the other woman's arms, face buried against her chest with a grunt. Madoka's chin comes to rest on her head, a bright smile written in the movement of lips against her scalp. Their hands find each other's, Homura's right to Madoka's left, and that last bit of tension bleeds out of her as she finds just the one ring there.
"Good morning, Homura-chan," Madoka says. "Did you sleep OK?"
Homura takes a moment to consider that.
"I did," she says.
Even though you weren't there when I woke up, she manages to not add. It's petulant and needy and paranoid, entirely unworthy of Madoka.
Or you, the Sabrina in her head points out.
"I'm sorry I wasn't there," Madoka says softly, somehow intuiting her thoughts anyway. "But I thought I might make you breakfast in bed."
"That... would still be nice?" Homura hesitantly offers. Even after so long, it doesn't feel
real, to be able to simply relax like this. She doesn't have the right to, not after all those times she's failed, all those times Madoka-
She brushes her thumb against the backs of Madoka's fingers. Still just one ring, in the right place. She remembers the times where the glint of light from that ring had been enough to send her into panic attacks, even though she knew,
knew the danger had passed, even though she
knew that she'd been the one to put that ring there.
Madoka had worn it on a necklace instead, for a year or two. She didn't have to, Homura had tried to tell her. That she was satisfied simply
being Madoka's, and she'd get over it, and anyway, physical proof wasn't as important to her. But Madoka had wanted to, and that was that.
"I'm here, Homura," Madoka says. "I'm real."
"It's just..." Homura trails off, resisting the urge to apologize.
"I know, Homura," Madoka says. "I understand."
Walpurgisnacht. Even now, thinking of that date, that
name, sends that spike of unthinking fear through her, her stomach clenching with remembered pain.
A plea.
A promise.
A gunshot.
Memories once carried close to her heart, festering and diseased and driving her forward, one step after another. She had promised, and she would fulfil that promise. She would
fight, time after time, to save just one girl. Second after second, minute after minute, year after year. Victory snatched from her grasp over and over again, as Madoka
died, over, and over, and over again.
Some nights, she lives them again.
Homura pushes back the memories, letting them return to the past, where they belonged.
"It's been ten years," she says instead.
"And I'll be here, happy to remind you every day if you need it," Madoka says, her expression soft and compassionate and so, so full of love it almost hurts to look at.
"I know," Homura murmurs again, unable to tear her eyes away from Madoka's face. Her tone turns wondering as she continues. "... ten years."
"What's on your mind, Homura?" Madoka asks.
"Memories," Homura finds herself admitting. "And... I... never thought about what I'd do. After. I never thought I'd make it this far."
Hah.
Look at her now, maudlin at the ripe old age of twenty four (and more).
"But you did, Homura," Madoka says. "You saved me."
Homura nods.
"I didn't do it alone. And
you saved me," she murmurs. "Every day after."
"I didn't do it alone, either," Madoka says, kissing her forehead. "I love you, Homura."
Homura had always known that, of course. Madoka loves everyone. But it had taken her years to
understand that Madoka cared about
her, and that she was
allowed to accept that love. Those first, halting steps together had been some of the most terrifying of her life. And she would never have made it without Sabrina behind her. Or without poor, beleaguered Mr Ishikawa.
She'd fought against the therapy. Oh, how she'd fought. But then, her traitor of a best friend had brought in Madoka, and that was that.
It helped.
She didn't want it to, but it did.
But in truth, the work had already been done. The foundations laid in over a month of hard-won trust and friendship forged with a strange, white-haired foreigner, and finally completed by Madoka. But understanding it had been the process of years, coaxed along by seemingly inexhaustible patience and gentle words, from Madoka, from Sabrina, and yes, from Mr Ishikawa.
She's had this conversation with Madoka a thousand times in a thousand different permutations. Perhaps one day it'll be enough to balance out the thousand times she's failed Madoka, but here and now, she's... content.
"Let's have breakfast before it gets cold," Homura murmurs.
"OK!" Madoka says, accepting the topic change with a brilliant smile.
They make their way to the kitchen of their modest little apartment, Madoka never letting go off Homura's hand the entire way there, and they migrate over to the table. Breakfast is just steamed rice and grilled mackerel, but all the more delicious for being made by Madoka's hand. Simple, but a labour of love, much like the apartment.
By the time they finish, Homura's managed to shake off the worst of the malaise, smiling and chatting softly with Madoka with the kind of easy comfort she'd never even
imagined, let alone thought she'd deserve. But Madoka makes it easy, the words flowing and meaning nothing more and nothing less than 'I love you', said in a million different ways. Still, all things must come to an end, breakfast winding down, and they change, getting ready for the day.
A knock on the door.
"I'll get it," Homura says, smiling at Madoka before heading over. She's certain she knows who it is, by the feel of the magic, but it doesn't hurt to be sure.
"'morning, Homura!" is the greeting as she pulls open the door, that familiar grin so much like Madoka's waiting in ambush for her.
"Good morning." Homura finds herself answering with a faint smile. "You're early."
"A little, yeah," Sabrina says, bouncing lightly on her feet. "Mami's still setting things up with Sayaka."
"We were awake. I'm surprised you're not with her." Homura gives her best friend a measured look, to which Sabrina just shrugs, and grins.
"Mami chased me off," she admits easily. "Said I was fussing too much. But I'll be back, and she'll rue the day she thought she could send
me away. But... I came over to see how
you're doing, Homura. You and Madoka. And to offer a lift."
Homura steps aside, beckoning Sabrina in.
"Well, come in," she says drily. Homura finds herself inspecting the other woman as she shucks her shoes and steps into the apartment.
Sabrina.
Her best friend.
The cause of so, so many headaches.
The
impossibility.
The one who she'd fled to when she thought she'd messed up. The one who held her, comforted her, and accompanied her back to Madoka to clear things up. The one who'd
bought her the opportunity to be here today, bought it with her own blood and sweat and tears.
Blood and sweat and tears spilled alongside her own, to fight for her happiness.
The one who
understands her, just as much as Madoka does. Perhaps even a little more. Who'd known what she'd done, in painful, intimate detail, and who'd looked her in the eye and told her
I'm here to help. Who'd
proven it. Who'd brought her impossibility from the very first moment, an impossible Wish and an impossible power, and impossible knowledge...
And an impossible
victory.
An end to her struggle, ten long years ago.
"Ten years," Sabrina says, echoing Homura's thoughts and smiling at her. "How're you doing today, Homura?"
"... good," Homura admits. It's even true.
Sabrina inspects her in turn.
Once, Homura had been uncomfortable, under that piercing gaze that somehow saw her more clearly than anyone ever had. That could slip past her iron facade to see
her, paranoid and so, so scared. Now...
Now, Homura can smile slightly, her shoulders rising in an ambivalent shrug.
"OK!" Sabrina says, seeming pleased with what she saw. "Then you
are coming to the celebration, yeah? The small one, not the big one for Constellation."
May nineteenth. The day where things had finally calmed down enough that they could celebrate having
won. Homura barely remembers that first one. She'd been in shock, counting the seconds and days until it all snapped by, until it'd all fall apart again.
"We won't miss it," Homura agrees.
"
Fantastic," Sabrina says, clapping her gently on the shoulder.
Homura's attention snaps to the corridor as Madoka emerges, drying her hands on a towel.
"Sabrina!" Madoka greets happily, stepping forward to hug her.
They're nearly the same height. Some tiny, infinitesimal part of Homura can't help but be a little sour about that, when it makes cuddling with Madoka that tiny bit harder. Even so, the larger part of herself simply treasures every single moment spent with Madoka, every single touch, no matter how awkward or uncomfortable.
"Well," Sabrina says, smiling. "Are you ready to go?"
Homura looks at Madoka, then back at Sabrina.
She smiles.
"Let's go," Homura says, and steps forward into the future.
=====
Regular update will resume this weekend!
...
Also, I had an art comissioned, but then the artist flaked out on me. Which frankly I can't blame them for, given that I'd left it way too late, but uh. Yeah. I'll shop around and commission a belated anniversary art.