Eventually, the carrot cake was consumed, followed by other, lesser, foodstuffs. Left comfortably full, the family was free to move on to the most important part of the evening, namely the giving of gifts.
"Do you want to go first?" Hazō asked Akane.
"No, I think I should go last," Akane said with what Kei very much feared was a mischievous smile.
"If you're sure…"
Hazō brought forth the box, black, lacquered, and small enough to fit in one hand. Snowflake walked over to join him.
"Regrettably," Snowflake began, "our gift to you cannot be a complete surprise. However, as you know, I have left key elements of the design in Hazō's hands. Please feel free to heap praise upon me for my creativity and sensitivity to your tastes while holding him responsible for any flaws in the finished product."
"Naturally."
Hazō sighed, but wisely did not attempt to argue the point.
"Happy birthday, Kei."
The item lifted forth from the box was a blue sapphire necklace on a silver chain. Kei studied it, holding it up against the light by the chain, one finger pressed along the bottom to prevent it from spinning.
"However did you…"
The cut was not a simple spiral as it first appeared. It was a fractal shape, triangle after triangle expanding ever outwards, ever smaller, until the details were lost and the outside of the gem seemed like a simple circle. At the centre, the four largest triangles held the Nara and Gōketsu symbols, the sunburst-and-tree of the KEI, and the word "Uplift" (perhaps the Gōketsu should take a leaf from the KEI's book and run a competition to create an Uplift symbol).
"I have always wished to wear a sophisticated political statement around my neck," Kei told Hazō and Snowflake, turning the necklace back and forth and comparing the different ways in which different sizes of facet reflected the firelight.
"Really?" Yuno brightened. "Then you'll love my present!"
It was just as well that Kei's hands were occupied, since a facepalm would have been rude.
"Thank you both," she said instead. "The craftsmanship is exemplary."
"It had better be," Hazō said with a self-deprecating smirk. "Gaku's going to have a heart attack when he sees how much I spent on cheap gemstones to burn for practice."
"Not an issue; that man has no heart," Kei said. "Even a veteran of Mist T&I would flinch at the torture he inflicts on the Gōketsu accounts with his suboptimal bookkeeping methods."
"That's just a metaphor, isn't it?" Yuno asked with pre-emptive disappointment.
"Only barely."
"In that case, I'll go next." Yuno pulled out a storage scroll and unsealed a large, coffin-shaped box.
"Yuno, I honestly do not know whether to feel optimistic or pessimistic about the possibility that you have brought me the corpses of my enemies."
"I'm sorry I didn't," Yuno said. "Is that a thing people do for birthday celebrations?"
"No!"
"No way!"
"Do not even consider it."
"Definitely not!"
"Oh," Yuno said. "Pity. Now that you mention it, it seems like a great idea. It shows you're prepared to go to a lot of effort for that person and that you've been paying attention to their activities, and it's a very practical gift with long-term benefits."
"Still no, Yuno," Hazō said. "You can't go around murdering people without your clan head's explicit permission."
"With that said," Kei noted, "blackmail material is a traditional shinobi gift. Ami always sent Lord Ryūgamine a handful of dossiers for his birthday, though whether she correctly guessed who his enemies were, I could not say."
Yuno nodded seriously, then finally cracked the box open.
"Happy birthday, Kei!"
Kei drew in an involuntary breath.
The dress was deep blue, with elaborate white lacework around the collar, sleeves, and hem. Kei could already tell it would fit her perfectly—as an unfortunate consequence of the Leaf Chūnin Girls' clothes shopping trip, altogether too many people now knew her measurements, potentially including the entirety of the Hyūga Clan.
Next to her, Snowflake pulled her lacy green ribbon out of her hair and held it up against the dress to compare. "Did you make this yourself?"
"Of course," Yuno said. "A bride who knows how to make her own dresses saves the household money."
"Is there any special Isanese meaning that I should bear in mind?" Kei asked.
"I prepared a manual." Yuno handed Kei a palm-sized scroll. Kei began to unfurl it, read "with amber jewellery: 'praying for a child'", then furled it up again and set it well aside.
"Thank you very much, Yuno," Kei said, diligently blanking the last few seconds out of her memory. "I look forward to wearing it on a suitable occasion, should one exist."
"That just leaves me," Akane said. "I spent a while doing research to try to find the gift that best suited your preferences, so do let me know how I did once you're done with it."
She handed Kei a book. Kei glanced down at the cover and her heart stopped.
"Wh-What is the meaning of…"
"Wh-Why would you…" Snowflake stammered next to her, crimson as a blood lily.
"I d-do not have any interest in this kind of literature!" Kei screeched. Why would Akane give something like this to her in public? What was she thinking? With Hazō and Yuno staring at them in shock, what kind of damage control could possibly—
Giving Kei a meaningful look, Akane reached over and pulled off the cover of
At the Wicked Magistrate's Mercy, revealing
A Statistical Analysis of Rice Country Exports, 1040–1070, with an Emphasis on Legumes.
"Akane," Kei said through her teeth, "the fact that you have just presented me with a birthday gift is the only reason why you are not currently inside a particularly undiscriminating pangolin."
"Is that so?" Akane asked without due concern for her safety. "I hope you enjoy it."
Before putting the book aside, Kei flicked quickly to the index page to see what kind of topics it covered.
At the Wicked Magistrate's Mercy
Chapter I: The Interrogation Begins
Kei snapped the book shut again.
"Th-Thank you, Akane. I will be certain to repay you appropriately."
-o-
"…and after that kiss, she knew no more."
Akane gave a storyteller's bow.
"Wait, wait!" Yuno exclaimed. "What happened to the man she loved? Did he go back and slaughter all the Uchiha for kicking her out?"
"The story doesn't say," Akane said, "but given the fact that there
is an Uchiha Clan, more or less, I'd assume he didn't."
"A fine story," Snowflake said. "Romance, action, inescapable doom born of human folly… everything one might seek in a work of fiction."
She clapped, and the others quickly joined in.
"Who would like to go next?"
"Oh, can I?" Yuno shifted around to face the others, sitting cross-legged in a circle. "This is a true and unadulterated story, as passed down from Kanda Yukari herself, and may the Crocodile of Separatism consume me if I change but a single word.
"Once upon a time, there was a man, the last survivor of a great and mighty clan, and he had a son. The son had a sharp mind, quick hands, industrious kidneys, and chakra that shone bright and orange. Unfortunately, the father was crippled by war, and he could not pass on the way of the ninja. So he set out on a journey to find an instructor whom he could trust with his only heir.
"The first person they met on the road was the Sage of Six Paths. 'Let me teach your son,'" the Sage of Six Paths said, 'for I am ancient and wise, and know all the hidden lore of the world.' But the father said, 'If you are so wise, why did you create shinobi to do nothing but fight and die?', and spat at the Sage's feet.
"The second person they met on the road was the One Who Bids the Trees to Walk as Gods, greatest of the asura. 'Let me teach your son,' the One Who Bids the Trees to Walk as Gods said, 'for I am mighty and brutal, and there is no one stronger than me.' But the father said, 'The power that violence promises is a lie; I have lost everything I have to it', and spat at the asura's feet.
"The third person they met on the road was the King of Hell. 'Let me teach your son,' the King of Hell said, 'for I govern both life and death, and I wait at the end of every path.' And the father said, 'In this world, Death alone is honest', and offered the King of Hell his son.
"The King of Hell taught the son the divine art of medical ninjutsu, which can heal the most grievous injury and banish the deadliest sickness. Then, when the son had mastered medical ninjutsu, he gave him the power of Deathsight. 'When a patient is dying and you see me at the foot of the sickbed, you may use the arts I have taught you, and I shall spare him. But if you ever see me at the head, then his time has come, and you must not interfere, lest you disrupt the cycle of life and death itself.
"The son agreed eagerly to his master's instructions. He travelled the land, far and wide, healing the sick and saving the injured. He became very famous and very rich, for he was a ninja like no other. Every time he stood by the dying, the King of Hell appeared before him, and every time the son respected the King of Hell's judgement.
"But one day, the lord of the Ui Clan fell sick, and the call went out to any doctor who could save him. Naturally, this doctor came as well, for the Ui were the greatest and the strongest of all ninja, and to have their lord in one's debt would be a great treasure. But when he came to the sickbed, he saw the King of Hell standing at its head, gazing balefully down on the clan lord.
"Then, the doctor thought to himself: surely, the King of Hell would overlook just one deviation. After all, he was the man's own instructor; what deeper bond could there be? He reached down and turned the sickbed around so that the King of Hell was at its foot, and then he unleashed his medical ninjutsu and cured the lord of all his ailments.
"The doctor was lavished with rewards for his success where everyone else had failed. He was given riches and rare techniques and ancient secrets, and his name spread far and wide. He taught many apprentices. For a while, all was well.
"Then, Lord Ui's daughter fell sick, and he called for the doctor at once. The doctor took one look at the Ui princess, the most beautiful woman in the world, seeing her luxurious pink hair and deep crimson eyes, and he fell instantly, madly in love.
"But once again, the doctor saw the King of Hell standing at the head of the sickbed. 'Surely,' the doctor thought, 'if he overlooked it once, he'll overlook it just one more time?', not seeing how the King of Hell was baring his teeth and how his eyes blazed in fury. So he used his medical ninjutsu and he cured the princess of all her ailments.
"When the King of Hell saw what the doctor had done, he waited no longer. He opened his mouth and swallowed the doctor all in one go. 'You have betrayed your oath to me as a man of medicine,' he said, 'and now your own life is forfeit.'
"The doctor looked around and saw inside the King of Hell's mouth, where there was a forest of trees of every colour. He asked the King of Hell what they were. 'Every tree is a soul awaiting transmigration,' the King of Hell said. 'The white will be reborn on the Deva Path, to enjoy beauty and bliss for the lifetime of a deva. The red, on the Asura Path, to drown in violence and bloodlust for the lifetime of an asura. The black, on the Naraka Path, to be tortured for the long, long lifetime of a fallen soul. 'Please,' the doctor said, 'will you not give me the colour of the Human Path, so that I may return to my beloved princess?' 'Very well,' the King of Hell said, and turned him into a tree at once.
"But the King of Hell lied. In his vengeful anger, he turned the doctor into a tree of the deepest black. Then, as punishment for humanity's weakness and disloyalty, he took medical ninjutsu away forever."
Nobody said anything for a while.
"That was certainly grim," Hazō said.
"All the traditional stories are like that," Yuno said. "Doesn't it make sense? The world is a horrible, pointlessly cruel place, so any story with a grain of truth to it must be horrible as well. That kind of honesty is what made Akane's story of tragic love so good."
"I see no issues with this statement," Kei agreed.
"Me neither," Snowflake said.
Hazō and Akane looked at each other and just shrugged.
"I'll go next," Hazō said. "This one is a traditional children's tale of Hidden Mist. Once upon a time, there was a genin named Haiko, who was on a long-term border posting with her team leader and his assistant, both good, loyal ninja. Unfortunately, one day, this assistant died to a treacherous attack by foreign ninja, and Haiko's team leader requested reinforcements from the mainland. He received an I&S specialist and her team of three genin.
"If that were all, there would have been no issues. Unfortunately, after the team leader also died to a treacherous attack by foreign ninja, the I&S specialist took over, and her team were awful to poor Haiko. They forced her to perform the entire group's equipment maintenance, they only gave her leftover scraps from the regular supply drops, and they left her to carry out duties like making and breaking camp all on her own while they relaxed and played games. Haiko was miserable, but unlike them, she was a true Mist genin, strong of heart and respectful of the chain of command, so she bore it all without complaint.
"Then came the fateful day of the Chūnin Exams. The three genin went to the Exams, with the team leader to supervise them, but she did not recommend Haiko, so Haiko stayed behind. Finally on her own, with nobody to see, Haiko cried, because she was a good ninja and she had wanted so much to take the exam and become a chūnin herself.
"Just as Haiko was ready to pick herself up and go back to checking the rations for spoilage, a miracle happened. An unfamiliar ninja appeared before her, saying, 'Be not afraid. I am no enemy, but a messenger from Hidden Heaven, here to reward you for your steadfastness. You
will go to the Chūnin Exams and become a chūnin."
"Haiko, too dazed to consider the implications of a foreign ninja appearing in the middle of her camp, naturally protested. 'But I'm not cleared to attend!'
"The ninja just smiled, and gave her a letter of authorisation from the Mizukage's Office, made with such fine calligraphy that nobody would be able to tell it was fake.
"'But my combat gear is worn out and I have nothing to wear!'
"The ninja just smiled, and gave her a CHAOS Suit filled with incredible seals.
"'But I'll never get there in time!'
"The ninja just smiled, and gave her a pair of skywalker-equipped sandals.
"So Haiko thanked him, and set off for the Chūnin Exams, but with one final warning ringing in her ears. 'Beware, for if the number of activations reaches twelve, the seals will burn out and you will turn back into an ordinary genin.'
"Haiko took the Chūnin Exams by storm. With her natural talents and her new seals, she blazed through the initial rounds and easily made her way to the tournament, where she caught the eye of the Mizukage himself. But right as she reached the Finals, disaster struck! She realised she was on the verge of running out of activations!
"So naturally, she turned off the seals and handed everything over to the Mizukage, together with all the intel she had on the mysterious ninja. In return for her great contribution to Mist's security, the Mizukage pardoned her for abandoning her post and invited her to join the secret police, to be by his side forever after. The end."
"I noticed some slight differences from the version I am familiar with," Kei noted.
Hazō grinned. "It's just your imagination. It's been a long time since we heard any Mist fairy tales, after all."
"If these are the kinds of things you were listening to as a child, Kei, some things suddenly make a lot more sense," Akane said.
"You are already on thin ice, young lady."
"Never mind," Akane said quickly. "Kei, why don't you take your turn now?"
Kei took a few seconds to compose herself. "My tale is not a conventional Mist story like the others. Rather, it is an educational tool, used by Ami to tutor me in the exceedingly challenging art of not interrupting others in order to offer corrections. As such, the challenge for the listener is to see who can go the longest without raising an objection to the story—although purely clarifying questions are, of course, permitted. Are you prepared?"
"Sure."
"Go ahead."
"Sounds like fun."
"Very well," Kei began. "Once upon a time, in a certain ninja village, there lived a young boy who was a jinchūriki. He lived a difficult life, as an orphan who was hated by all—"
Hazō raised his hand. "Hold up. I mean, clarifying question. You mean he didn't have any adoptive parents?"
"No," Kei said. "He was entirely on his own. Furthermore, the adults around him—"
"How could you have a jinchūriki who wasn't being raised by parents, or close relatives, or guardians hand-picked by the state? I mean, who knows what could happen to him without supervision."
"…and Hazō is out," Kei said. "This boy was safe from foreign agents because his nature as a jinchūriki was a highly-classified secret, known only to every adult in the village."
Akane raised her hand. "Clarifying question: how many adults was that?"
"Different tellers give very different numbers," Kei said, "but I believe it would be reasonable to say at least a thousand. Not counting all of the civilian adults, of course. However, this was not a security issue, since they had all been sworn to silence.
"Naturally, the boy joined the Academy when he came of age, though he was an extremely poor student, so terrible at ninjutsu that by the age of twelve he did not even know what chakra was."
"Are you saying—" Akane started, but managed to catch herself.
"He did have one area of specialisation," Kei continued, "which was disguises. He was able to use a disguise kit to flawlessly disguise himself specifically as a sexually attractive woman, on a level far beyond his peers, and used this ability frequently."
"Clarifying question," Akane said. "This was at the age of twelve or below?"
"Obviously. Unfortunately, his other ninja skills were at such a low level that he was unable to pass the Academy graduation test."
"What happens if you can't pass the Academy graduation test?" Yuno asked.
"That never happens," Akane said. "A student failing to graduate would be an enormous loss of face for the Academy. Even if you're clanless, the instructors will heap you with extra classes if it looks like that's about to happen. Also, they're the ones who set the tests, so…"
"Nevertheless," Kei said, "this boy failed to graduate. However, he was then approached by a treasonous Academy instructor, who informed him that he would still be able to graduate if he only infiltrated the government headquarters and successfully stole a scroll of forbidden techniques."
"Oh, come on!" Yuno exclaimed. "Not even a twelve-year-old would be
that stupid."
"Um," Akane said.
"Am I right, Akane?"
"Actually," Akane said awkwardly, "Kei was drawing on something I'd told her about my past. But I swear that when Mizuki-sensei said it, it sounded like it made perfect sense!"
"Oh," Yuno said. "Well, I guess it could happen if you're
really nai- I mean gulli- I mean inclined to see the best in people."
Akane sighed.
"Yuno, you are out. Regardless," Kei went on, "this boy succeeded in his theft. Then, unaware that he was being hunted, he sat down and learned an A-rank forbidden technique from the scroll over the next couple of hours, which he then used to defeat aforementioned treasonous instructor in equal combat."
"The boy who didn't know what chakra was," Akane clarified.
"That counts as an expression of scepticism," Kei said, "and so you are out. Since Snowflake is unable to compete by virtue of already knowing the story, that means you are the winner. If it is any consolation, it only gets worse from there."
-o-
Part 2 coming as the Sunday update.
Voting is closed.
Edit: Many thanks to
@RandomOTP for their list of Kei gift ideas.
