hm.... curious.I was told to drop this one here.
Edit: lets see...
Edit 2: ...
if i read it right... i got Lovemuffin, jumba and Kitsune... only one thing is to do then....
FHOR KAY-OOOSS!
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DoofQuest- a Disney Villains Victorious CK2-Style Quest
- Thread starter Made in Heaven
- Start date
- Crossover
Edit: lets see...
Edit 2: ...
if i read it right... i got Lovemuffin, jumba and Kitsune... only one thing is to do then....
FHOR KAY-OOOSS!
- Pronouns
- He/Him
That's Goob, Snidely has so far only appeared in a non canon omake
Thats Mr Valentine, better know to the people on this quest as Olivia Dickens.
Trait: Yes, Yes I Am. Through the power of...Just being way too blunt with it and admitting what they're trying, this unit can turn an Intrigue check to deceive another character into a Diplomacy check!
Remember children...
- Location
- The City of Tears, Hallownest
- Pronouns
- He/Him
oh dear. I don't like that.
- Location
- Two hours away
- Pronouns
- He/Him
My only Disney theme park experience was Disneyland in 2018. Bradley Cooper yelled at us to get into the elevator.
Lab_Accident
A 2D 1D4
- Location
- Your dreams
Doo-bee-doo-bee-do-bah
Doo-bee-doo-bee-do-bah
AGENT [ ] !
Doo-bee-doo-bee-do-bah
AGENT [ ] !
Please, no kill Russ. Or Doof, don't kill him either.
Don't go in the elevator...
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What could possibly go wrong?
- Location
- The Netherlands
Don't go in the elevator...
This probably has more impact for the people who actually got to vote on sending Russ to certain doom.
Lifeandlice
Practitioning side-character
- Location
- Usa
Got bored and decided to make a Doof-Malf combination character. It's sort of a downgrade overall but I decided to make two versions of possible traits list, one significantly more hopeful than the other. Quality may not be the best, especially since I didn't add a token or anything, but hey. This is for fun.
Edit: some wording changes I forgot to make before posting are now in.
Martial: 13 (Lingering memories of platypus combat linger, though significant ability has been lost.)
Diplomacy: 16 (Exceedingly chatty and, sort of endearing. Sort of. Honestly comes off as somewhat sad.)
Stewardship: 18 (Probably capable of being the mayor of a small medieval town and managing a few funds. But probably not up to running a real modern corporation.)
Intrigue: 18 (Blended memories. Some things were lost in each side but ultimately it's just a wider base of skills with a few less peaks.)
Learning: 23 (Once part Mad Scientist of the higher orders. Combining with a mind that barely understood aqueducts left it much reduced.)
Occult: 21 (Once part of a Warlock of Formidable Powers. Combining with what could barely be called a neophyte left it much reduced.)
Traits (Good Roll):
Abominable Artificer- With Magic and High Science combined MalDoof may add Half of his Occult or Learning to his Learning or Occult respectively and allowing any assigned Heros to do the same on any Learning or Occult action he turns his personal Attention toward.
Traps and Spies and Trapped Spies- MalDoof knows two things well in regards to the stealthier arts. How to manage and keep spies, and how to set ingenious traps. +10 to rolls involving either Traps or Spies, +20 to rolls involving both. Related Actions unlocked.
Ghastly Constitution- MalDoof's half living, half ghost nature has some benefits to it as he needs less rest. +1 personal actions per turn. More benefits might be discovered with training...
Traits (Bad Roll):
Artificial Abomination- Roll a d6, on an Odd number MalDoof's improperly combined minds force it to half its Learning and Occult stats as reality defying Science wars with world warping Magics inside it's mind.
Plate of Sweet Revenge- MalDoof is, somehow, even less healthy than either of its components and is willing to declare revenge on petty anything. Anyturn that MalDoof does not take a revenge action against one of its many grudges it gets -10 to all stats and rolls. Related Actions unlocked.
Half-Life- MalDoof is half formed half man, half undead ghost. As it is improperly formed this has some rather... disturbing effects on its appearance. -15 Diplomacy with those frightened by ghost. -20 to attempts to keep MalDoof's half living status secret. Actions may be able to slowly mend this problem...
Diplomacy: 16 (Exceedingly chatty and, sort of endearing. Sort of. Honestly comes off as somewhat sad.)
Stewardship: 18 (Probably capable of being the mayor of a small medieval town and managing a few funds. But probably not up to running a real modern corporation.)
Intrigue: 18 (Blended memories. Some things were lost in each side but ultimately it's just a wider base of skills with a few less peaks.)
Learning: 23 (Once part Mad Scientist of the higher orders. Combining with a mind that barely understood aqueducts left it much reduced.)
Occult: 21 (Once part of a Warlock of Formidable Powers. Combining with what could barely be called a neophyte left it much reduced.)
Traits (Good Roll):
Abominable Artificer- With Magic and High Science combined MalDoof may add Half of his Occult or Learning to his Learning or Occult respectively and allowing any assigned Heros to do the same on any Learning or Occult action he turns his personal Attention toward.
Traps and Spies and Trapped Spies- MalDoof knows two things well in regards to the stealthier arts. How to manage and keep spies, and how to set ingenious traps. +10 to rolls involving either Traps or Spies, +20 to rolls involving both. Related Actions unlocked.
Ghastly Constitution- MalDoof's half living, half ghost nature has some benefits to it as he needs less rest. +1 personal actions per turn. More benefits might be discovered with training...
Traits (Bad Roll):
Artificial Abomination- Roll a d6, on an Odd number MalDoof's improperly combined minds force it to half its Learning and Occult stats as reality defying Science wars with world warping Magics inside it's mind.
Plate of Sweet Revenge- MalDoof is, somehow, even less healthy than either of its components and is willing to declare revenge on petty anything. Anyturn that MalDoof does not take a revenge action against one of its many grudges it gets -10 to all stats and rolls. Related Actions unlocked.
Half-Life- MalDoof is half formed half man, half undead ghost. As it is improperly formed this has some rather... disturbing effects on its appearance. -15 Diplomacy with those frightened by ghost. -20 to attempts to keep MalDoof's half living status secret. Actions may be able to slowly mend this problem...
Edit: some wording changes I forgot to make before posting are now in.
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mangawriter77
Otaku^9000 (In my own opinion)
- Location
- You'll neeever guess
- Pronouns
- He/Him/His
Don't go in the elevator...
View: https://youtu.be/DYLTEN5sDPQ
I don't like that. I don't like that at all…
- Location
- Two hours away
- Pronouns
- He/Him
That was some enjoyable flavor text. I have one critique about the last trait however.
Either the universe or Doof's self-esteem prevent inators from making him uglier.
Inspired by the Fusion Inator? I notice you got the stats by "add and average". Hm...Nice work..
Interlude: Find Fantastic, Part I- Clean Slate
- Location
- Pennsylvania
You appreciate Xanatos making the offer honestly, you do. But you just… don't want to be beholden to him like that. It would feel too much like he was controlling you. You politely tell him no, and then usher him to the exit. You have an important meeting in a few minutes, one you have not told him about. As he leaves, you look over the counter in front of you and pick the screw back up. You look at it and then decide, for whatever reason, that it might as well not go to waste, and use it to tighten up one of the clock hands. Xanatos looks over his shoulder at you drilling it in as he goes.
He smiles.
===
"I see! And so the self-destruct button on the foot- I never thought of it that way!"
"Yes yes! And in retrospect I can completely understand why tying myself to a live rocket was a poor plan."
Someone hands you another coffee, and you take a sip before responding. "Clearly the solution is to put the self destruct buttons-"
"On the live rockets!"
Your decision to arrive early to today's 'council meeting' proved to be a good one. You've never really had a chance to get to know Wile, despite working with him for years now. Your mutual love of trapmaking was known, of course, but you've never found the time to sit down and make use of that! The two of you while away more than an hour discussing the finer points of building better mousetraps, and bird and mammal traps more generally. He suggests that taking some time to build such a device might improve your mutual trapmaking skill, or even DEI's defenses! Or it might explode.
In addition, Coyote has mentioned that he (alongside some of the other Toons on your payroll) have been waxing nostalgic for the good old days. He's mentioned that a lot of interesting detritus is probably still left over from the days of Marvin Acme, not to mention the former chairman (who Coyote still suspects had some zany scheme prior to his ejection). In addition, Coyote has also offered to look through your other corporate archives while he's at it, digging up any of Mendel-Grumman's creepy biology secrets or seeing if the Disney company has anything leftover from when it was the home of the greats. He believes he has not even scratched the surface of what might be hiding.
Of course, he's also willing to consider putting that time into adapting ACME props for international sensibilities, which he believes will bring in a small degree of cash, help build up more connections to the international market, and perhaps even re-endear American toons more to the American public given the already existing popularity of anime.
Eventually the other councilors file in, and eventually the other councilors quiet down. And eventually, you think to ask:
"So hey. Why are we meeting again?"
You get a sense.
You don't hear anything. Not exactly. But a sense of incredible, rushing anticipation fills you, as if-
"Why indeed!"
There is a loud mechanical chugging sound, and Mezmerella falls out of a panel in the ceiling, landing in the center of the room with a whump.
On her butt.
"I've asked Mezmerella to…" Mirage begins. "...discuss her findings."
"Ow, that wasn't supposed-"
You'd be more sympathetic, but you're pretty sure that's one of your traps she used, without asking even! Probably. You never do check that part of your inbox.
She hurriedly scurries to her feet, and coughs in her hand dramatically before anyone can actually say anything.
"That is to say, Gentlemen (and Mirage)-"
"Hey, whaddam I, chopped livah?" Ludivine asks.
"I believe you are, how do they say, in the doghouse at the moment." Coyote replies.
"Gawrsh." Goofy says.
"Look, I geddit was a mistake. I'm very thankful yoo all stood by me. But I sveah, you aktivate Flubbah wun time-!"
"You were one of the ones saying it was dangerous in the first place!" Janus burst out.
Mezmerella is undeterred. "I am officially announcing that I have done it!" She declares, striking a triumphant pose.
The silence hangs in the air, Mezmerella refusing to elaborate until finally, Mirage bites the bullet.
"What have you done?" Her nominal superior asks.
"Why, I've tracked down every last spy in DEI, of course! Except for some of the underground ones, they got away, and the hats-" She hisses that last part. Mirage had mentioned she had gotten a lot more jumpy after learning that little tidbit. "-Aaand Xanatos', I think... "
She trails off, looking at you.
"Aaaah." You grumble, deciding not to lance that particular boil today. "We'll get 'em next time, you'll see. So, c'mon, what's the skinny?"
"Well, besides that, there's one more group I haven't been able to track down completely, but they don't have anything super confidential. Too inconsistent in delivery location, haven't been able to figure out which Corp it is…but I can safely say I've gotten 99.9% of the spies I've found lined up in the backup staff lounge."
"The what?"
Mezmerella presses a button, and the projector screen comes down, a live feed of the identical second staff lounge you built that one time you tried to do a prank war with Janna. That was, in retrospect, a terrible idea.
The room is packed wall to wall with people, standing there, blankly staring into nothing. You recognize a couple receptionists.
It occurs to you that you never actually told anyone about that one. You…haven't really been keeping track of your traps much after the first time you use them.
"Uh… Okay. Good uh… good work!" You say. "Wasn't… really… expecting that! But good! Uh… any lingering issues?"
"Yes! The last spy. The deepest one, the big kahuna of the spies, if you will."
Mez starts pacing across the room, circling the table.
"You see, I noticed something peculiar about the employee logging system. A very specific employee has been clocking in every day…"
"Just one?" Janus asks sarcastically. "I suppose I have my work cut out for me in HR then."
"You'd think so, wouldn't you?!" Mez half asks, half declares. "But the records on the punch card system are inconsistent with the overall electronic register. They're saying they're in when they're not, and they're not when they are. FURTHERMORE!"
"We don't have a punch card system." Mirage notes.
"I haven't used punch cards since 1997." You agree.
"Exactly!" Maz declares, "And that is why it is so peculiar that there is a punch-clock IN THIS VERY MEETING ROOM."
The seven of you collectively look over to see an old-fashioned punch-card clock, like they used to use in factories back in the 1950s or whatever, placed conspicuously next to the door.
"Huh." You say.
"And that is what has led me inextricably to a clear and unquestionable subject!"
No one says a word. Ludivine coughs.
Mez looks expectant for a long moment before the excitement seems to fade out of her.
"Anyone?"
She sighs.
"The spy is Wile E. Coyote."
"What? That's ridiculous! I never-"
Wile E. immediately tries to stand, a look of sheer indignation on his face, only to be pelted in the face with a banana cream pie. Some people would call it outdated, but you can't beat the classics.
A moment later, a musical sting plays as your Archeology-inator whips down from the ceiling and ties the toon up.
"What the-"
This is followed seconds later by the sound of an Elephant-on-your-Chest-Inator suddenly slamming Coyote into the ground with several tons of force. Then the Twister-Inator, the Limbo-Inator, the Mark-Twain-Inator and the Sunglasses-at-Night-Inator further restrict his movement. Then the Gravity Springboard… you thought you removed that… eight Inators, nine, ten, eleven…
Eventually, after considerable slapstick, Coyote ends up strung up in a massive net hanging over the front door, ironically right next to the punch-clock.
"Bill me for it later, I regret nothing." Mez says, dusting off her hands.
"I didn't think anyone else knew my trap setup." You comment.
"In retrospect, I would have liked to!" Coyote replies, slightly muffled.
"A clear indictment of my superior time management skills." Mezmerella retorts, smugness radiating off of her in waves. "Now what say you, trrraitor!?"
"I have never used a punch-card! And furthermore I was in France until the start of this month!"
"Yeah I know." Mezmerella pops open a hidden lever. "It can't possibly be you."
"Well den who else wouldda logged de time?!?" Ludivine asks.
"Well, I was hoping…" Mez pauses, apparently hearing something.
You hear cheerful, tuneless whistling, and for a moment everything pauses.
The door opens, and in walks… Wile E. Coyote.
The second Wile E walks in with a casual strut. He marches up to the punch-clock, pulls a paper card out of its housing and, after examining the time, punches it. He pulls a bottle of 'ACME-brand Nose-Blacking' from somewhere or other and dabs it on his proboscis, where a bit of red had begun to seep through. This done, he returns it to his person and dusts himself off, ready for the workday.
His entire demeanor then changes as he turns around and sees you.
AH. The sign he holds up says.
"As I was saying, I was really hoping I'd get the right one with the net."
The second Coyote pulls another sign from nowhere and begins scribbling on it frantically.
"Oh give me that!" The net-bound Coyote declares, snatching it out of his double's hands and reading aloud. "YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALI-" Coyote begins, but then looks up to the sound of high-pitched bongos followed by a thin reed being whipped quickly past the microphone. The second Coyote has disappeared from view, leaving behind only dust in a roughly coyote-shaped cloud. It is allowed to exist, for a brief moment, and then dissipates.
"What just-" You begin.
"We have to stop him." Mirage says urgently.
"Indeed!" Mezmerella pulls the lever, popping open a trapdoor leading to one of your emergency escape slides, and pushes Mirage down it.
"Mezmerella what-AAAAAAAAA!"
Mez jumps in after her.
"We'll get you yet, whatever your name is I thinkhe'sahyenahemightbeawolfIhaven'taskedyet!"
Your villainous employee's voice echoes away as she slides into the void, muffled by Mirage's yelling as she goes.
"Should we go after 'em?" Goofy asks.
"I made a good choice with her." You say quietly.
There is a brief moment of peace before Gomez tentatively raises a hand.
"Uh, sir. Can I go ahead with my report now?"
"Gomez? How long have you been here?"
"Oh, I brought the coffee. Did you like it?"
"Oh, uh, yes. And, uh. Yes."
Gomez rises to his feet, clears his throat, and then begins screaming at the top of his lungs.
"Sir! I've made a breakthrough!" he says.
A rope net swings in the breeze.
"Will somebody please let me down?!?"
===
Ludivine blinked. "Wait, why did we havva scene tranzition? We're still heah. Nothing changed!"
Gomez cleared his throat.
"Oh, okay, topic change. Shuure, fine. Whaddeva. Abuse tha medium for yah pointlez kommerzial breaks, whaddevah."
"Master, Vice-Masters, a-"
"Uhhh, I dunno. That sounds kinda… creepy." Goofy points out.
"I'm… a little ambivalent about the master thing." You admit.
"What?! No!" Malifishmertz declares. "Keep doing that!"
"Let's put it to a vote." Ludivine says. "All in favor of continuing to allow the minion to properly address his bettas?
She, Malifishmertz and Janus raise their hands.
"What?!" Janus says defensively.
"Okay whatever, motion passes." You shrug.
"As I was saying." Gomez resumes. "Vice-Masters, associate bosses, some other third thing. I believe I have made incredible progress on the uncovering of this mysterious unknown agent. I will refer to them as 'Agent Unknown! Catchy, right?"
"That is catchy!" You agree.
"Right! Now. As we all know, there is a gaping hole in Dr. Doofenshmirtz's brain-"
"Heeeeey." You say.
"Where this mysterious person was."
"Oh."
"Now. It took me some time to rework my normal Divino Dowsing Devices to lock on to other signals. It would have been easier if we had that portal to other dimensions finished-"
"For heaven's sake why ah we still sitting on dat?!?"
"-but I'm pretty sure I can track across most of the local cluster."
"Have you done that yet?"
"Yes."
"...did it work?"
"No!"
"Oh."
"But!"
"Yes?"
"I believe I can put it into reverse, and thereby attract this Agent Unknown to ourselves!"
"What like, just flip a switch?"
"No no, it's way harder than that."
"Really?"
"Yes, I have to pull a lever."
"Gawrsh." Goofy says.
"He's right. Must be some pretty serious stuff." Ludivine agrees.
"However, in order to ensure we create a beacon visible to the correct disappeared entity, I need to have an artifact that is appropriately attuned to the missing person."
"Oh!" you say. "That's why you were hovering over me with that weird metal detector-y thing two days ago.
===
The stick made a whirring noise. Your alarm clock continued to beep.
"Uh, Gomez-"
"Don't worry sir." Gomez said. "That means it's working."
===
"After 37 straight hours of hunting and five separate psychic-pressure nosebleeds, I finally narrowed down the object in all of DEI that best fits the mystery man: these!" Gomez declared, holding aloft a pair of dark black sunglasses. "Once I place this into the Hypnothaumatic Translocational Congogalator-"
"You might want to put an Inator on the end of that." You say.
"Yes sir!" Gomez replies. "In that case, all I have to do is put these extremely inconspicuous sunglasses into the Hypnothaumatic Translocational Congogalator Inator, and then-!"
Gomez's voice dutifully cuts out as it is interrupted by the entire room's lights going dark. They flicker, and when they return, the glasses have disappeared, replaced by a simple handwritten note.
"This is going to be nonsensical, isn't it?" Janus complains.
"Gasp!" Gomez says aloud. "How mysterious."
"Well go on!" You encourage him. "Read what it says."
"To the fine councilmen and women and duck of DEI. While I must politely apologize for the appropriation of your personal effects, I must assure you that it was necessary to right a most egregious imbalance. I assure you that they shall be returned, though not necessarily in pristine condition!
I have already provided your representatives the opportunity, following their acceptable performance in hunting down my sheep in wolf's clothing, to engage with the coming rectification. I invite you to relax while the situation moves toward a satisfactory conclusion.
For myself, at the least.
Faithfully Yours.
Splortch"
Gomez finishes and allows his verbal font to return to normal.
"What was that?" Ludivine asks.
"The paper was signed only with a single massive inkstain."
"I meant the font, not the sound effect," Ludivine mutters.
"Wait a moment." Coyote asks from his still slowly rotating net. "It says effects. Plural. But all I see that has been taken would have to be the blackglasses."
"So what-?" Goofy began, only to fall silent as the narrative weight of the second darkness forced him to still. The lights again fail, flicker, and then slowly return.
You aren't there anymore.
"Oh dear." Gomez said.
A moment later he held up a carafe.
"Would anyone else like some coffee?"
He smiles.
===
"I see! And so the self-destruct button on the foot- I never thought of it that way!"
"Yes yes! And in retrospect I can completely understand why tying myself to a live rocket was a poor plan."
Someone hands you another coffee, and you take a sip before responding. "Clearly the solution is to put the self destruct buttons-"
"On the live rockets!"
Your decision to arrive early to today's 'council meeting' proved to be a good one. You've never really had a chance to get to know Wile, despite working with him for years now. Your mutual love of trapmaking was known, of course, but you've never found the time to sit down and make use of that! The two of you while away more than an hour discussing the finer points of building better mousetraps, and bird and mammal traps more generally. He suggests that taking some time to build such a device might improve your mutual trapmaking skill, or even DEI's defenses! Or it might explode.
In addition, Coyote has mentioned that he (alongside some of the other Toons on your payroll) have been waxing nostalgic for the good old days. He's mentioned that a lot of interesting detritus is probably still left over from the days of Marvin Acme, not to mention the former chairman (who Coyote still suspects had some zany scheme prior to his ejection). In addition, Coyote has also offered to look through your other corporate archives while he's at it, digging up any of Mendel-Grumman's creepy biology secrets or seeing if the Disney company has anything leftover from when it was the home of the greats. He believes he has not even scratched the surface of what might be hiding.
Of course, he's also willing to consider putting that time into adapting ACME props for international sensibilities, which he believes will bring in a small degree of cash, help build up more connections to the international market, and perhaps even re-endear American toons more to the American public given the already existing popularity of anime.
Eventually the other councilors file in, and eventually the other councilors quiet down. And eventually, you think to ask:
"So hey. Why are we meeting again?"
You get a sense.
You don't hear anything. Not exactly. But a sense of incredible, rushing anticipation fills you, as if-
"Why indeed!"
There is a loud mechanical chugging sound, and Mezmerella falls out of a panel in the ceiling, landing in the center of the room with a whump.
On her butt.
"I've asked Mezmerella to…" Mirage begins. "...discuss her findings."
"Ow, that wasn't supposed-"
You'd be more sympathetic, but you're pretty sure that's one of your traps she used, without asking even! Probably. You never do check that part of your inbox.
She hurriedly scurries to her feet, and coughs in her hand dramatically before anyone can actually say anything.
"That is to say, Gentlemen (and Mirage)-"
"Hey, whaddam I, chopped livah?" Ludivine asks.
"I believe you are, how do they say, in the doghouse at the moment." Coyote replies.
"Gawrsh." Goofy says.
"Look, I geddit was a mistake. I'm very thankful yoo all stood by me. But I sveah, you aktivate Flubbah wun time-!"
"You were one of the ones saying it was dangerous in the first place!" Janus burst out.
Mezmerella is undeterred. "I am officially announcing that I have done it!" She declares, striking a triumphant pose.
The silence hangs in the air, Mezmerella refusing to elaborate until finally, Mirage bites the bullet.
"What have you done?" Her nominal superior asks.
"Why, I've tracked down every last spy in DEI, of course! Except for some of the underground ones, they got away, and the hats-" She hisses that last part. Mirage had mentioned she had gotten a lot more jumpy after learning that little tidbit. "-Aaand Xanatos', I think... "
She trails off, looking at you.
"Aaaah." You grumble, deciding not to lance that particular boil today. "We'll get 'em next time, you'll see. So, c'mon, what's the skinny?"
"Well, besides that, there's one more group I haven't been able to track down completely, but they don't have anything super confidential. Too inconsistent in delivery location, haven't been able to figure out which Corp it is…but I can safely say I've gotten 99.9% of the spies I've found lined up in the backup staff lounge."
"The what?"
Mezmerella presses a button, and the projector screen comes down, a live feed of the identical second staff lounge you built that one time you tried to do a prank war with Janna. That was, in retrospect, a terrible idea.
The room is packed wall to wall with people, standing there, blankly staring into nothing. You recognize a couple receptionists.
It occurs to you that you never actually told anyone about that one. You…haven't really been keeping track of your traps much after the first time you use them.
"Uh… Okay. Good uh… good work!" You say. "Wasn't… really… expecting that! But good! Uh… any lingering issues?"
"Yes! The last spy. The deepest one, the big kahuna of the spies, if you will."
Mez starts pacing across the room, circling the table.
"You see, I noticed something peculiar about the employee logging system. A very specific employee has been clocking in every day…"
"Just one?" Janus asks sarcastically. "I suppose I have my work cut out for me in HR then."
"You'd think so, wouldn't you?!" Mez half asks, half declares. "But the records on the punch card system are inconsistent with the overall electronic register. They're saying they're in when they're not, and they're not when they are. FURTHERMORE!"
"We don't have a punch card system." Mirage notes.
"I haven't used punch cards since 1997." You agree.
"Exactly!" Maz declares, "And that is why it is so peculiar that there is a punch-clock IN THIS VERY MEETING ROOM."
The seven of you collectively look over to see an old-fashioned punch-card clock, like they used to use in factories back in the 1950s or whatever, placed conspicuously next to the door.
"Huh." You say.
"And that is what has led me inextricably to a clear and unquestionable subject!"
No one says a word. Ludivine coughs.
Mez looks expectant for a long moment before the excitement seems to fade out of her.
"Anyone?"
She sighs.
"The spy is Wile E. Coyote."
"What? That's ridiculous! I never-"
Wile E. immediately tries to stand, a look of sheer indignation on his face, only to be pelted in the face with a banana cream pie. Some people would call it outdated, but you can't beat the classics.
A moment later, a musical sting plays as your Archeology-inator whips down from the ceiling and ties the toon up.
"What the-"
This is followed seconds later by the sound of an Elephant-on-your-Chest-Inator suddenly slamming Coyote into the ground with several tons of force. Then the Twister-Inator, the Limbo-Inator, the Mark-Twain-Inator and the Sunglasses-at-Night-Inator further restrict his movement. Then the Gravity Springboard… you thought you removed that… eight Inators, nine, ten, eleven…
Eventually, after considerable slapstick, Coyote ends up strung up in a massive net hanging over the front door, ironically right next to the punch-clock.
"Bill me for it later, I regret nothing." Mez says, dusting off her hands.
"I didn't think anyone else knew my trap setup." You comment.
"In retrospect, I would have liked to!" Coyote replies, slightly muffled.
"A clear indictment of my superior time management skills." Mezmerella retorts, smugness radiating off of her in waves. "Now what say you, trrraitor!?"
"I have never used a punch-card! And furthermore I was in France until the start of this month!"
"Yeah I know." Mezmerella pops open a hidden lever. "It can't possibly be you."
"Well den who else wouldda logged de time?!?" Ludivine asks.
"Well, I was hoping…" Mez pauses, apparently hearing something.
You hear cheerful, tuneless whistling, and for a moment everything pauses.
The door opens, and in walks… Wile E. Coyote.
The second Wile E walks in with a casual strut. He marches up to the punch-clock, pulls a paper card out of its housing and, after examining the time, punches it. He pulls a bottle of 'ACME-brand Nose-Blacking' from somewhere or other and dabs it on his proboscis, where a bit of red had begun to seep through. This done, he returns it to his person and dusts himself off, ready for the workday.
His entire demeanor then changes as he turns around and sees you.
AH. The sign he holds up says.
"As I was saying, I was really hoping I'd get the right one with the net."
The second Coyote pulls another sign from nowhere and begins scribbling on it frantically.
"Oh give me that!" The net-bound Coyote declares, snatching it out of his double's hands and reading aloud. "YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALI-" Coyote begins, but then looks up to the sound of high-pitched bongos followed by a thin reed being whipped quickly past the microphone. The second Coyote has disappeared from view, leaving behind only dust in a roughly coyote-shaped cloud. It is allowed to exist, for a brief moment, and then dissipates.
"What just-" You begin.
"We have to stop him." Mirage says urgently.
"Indeed!" Mezmerella pulls the lever, popping open a trapdoor leading to one of your emergency escape slides, and pushes Mirage down it.
"Mezmerella what-AAAAAAAAA!"
Mez jumps in after her.
"We'll get you yet, whatever your name is I thinkhe'sahyenahemightbeawolfIhaven'taskedyet!"
Your villainous employee's voice echoes away as she slides into the void, muffled by Mirage's yelling as she goes.
"Should we go after 'em?" Goofy asks.
"I made a good choice with her." You say quietly.
There is a brief moment of peace before Gomez tentatively raises a hand.
"Uh, sir. Can I go ahead with my report now?"
"Gomez? How long have you been here?"
"Oh, I brought the coffee. Did you like it?"
"Oh, uh, yes. And, uh. Yes."
Gomez rises to his feet, clears his throat, and then begins screaming at the top of his lungs.
"Sir! I've made a breakthrough!" he says.
A rope net swings in the breeze.
"Will somebody please let me down?!?"
===
Ludivine blinked. "Wait, why did we havva scene tranzition? We're still heah. Nothing changed!"
Gomez cleared his throat.
"Oh, okay, topic change. Shuure, fine. Whaddeva. Abuse tha medium for yah pointlez kommerzial breaks, whaddevah."
"Master, Vice-Masters, a-"
"Uhhh, I dunno. That sounds kinda… creepy." Goofy points out.
"I'm… a little ambivalent about the master thing." You admit.
"What?! No!" Malifishmertz declares. "Keep doing that!"
"Let's put it to a vote." Ludivine says. "All in favor of continuing to allow the minion to properly address his bettas?
She, Malifishmertz and Janus raise their hands.
"What?!" Janus says defensively.
"Okay whatever, motion passes." You shrug.
"As I was saying." Gomez resumes. "Vice-Masters, associate bosses, some other third thing. I believe I have made incredible progress on the uncovering of this mysterious unknown agent. I will refer to them as 'Agent Unknown! Catchy, right?"
"That is catchy!" You agree.
"Right! Now. As we all know, there is a gaping hole in Dr. Doofenshmirtz's brain-"
"Heeeeey." You say.
"Where this mysterious person was."
"Oh."
"Now. It took me some time to rework my normal Divino Dowsing Devices to lock on to other signals. It would have been easier if we had that portal to other dimensions finished-"
"For heaven's sake why ah we still sitting on dat?!?"
"-but I'm pretty sure I can track across most of the local cluster."
"Have you done that yet?"
"Yes."
"...did it work?"
"No!"
"Oh."
"But!"
"Yes?"
"I believe I can put it into reverse, and thereby attract this Agent Unknown to ourselves!"
"What like, just flip a switch?"
"No no, it's way harder than that."
"Really?"
"Yes, I have to pull a lever."
"Gawrsh." Goofy says.
"He's right. Must be some pretty serious stuff." Ludivine agrees.
"However, in order to ensure we create a beacon visible to the correct disappeared entity, I need to have an artifact that is appropriately attuned to the missing person."
"Oh!" you say. "That's why you were hovering over me with that weird metal detector-y thing two days ago.
===
The stick made a whirring noise. Your alarm clock continued to beep.
"Uh, Gomez-"
"Don't worry sir." Gomez said. "That means it's working."
===
"After 37 straight hours of hunting and five separate psychic-pressure nosebleeds, I finally narrowed down the object in all of DEI that best fits the mystery man: these!" Gomez declared, holding aloft a pair of dark black sunglasses. "Once I place this into the Hypnothaumatic Translocational Congogalator-"
"You might want to put an Inator on the end of that." You say.
"Yes sir!" Gomez replies. "In that case, all I have to do is put these extremely inconspicuous sunglasses into the Hypnothaumatic Translocational Congogalator Inator, and then-!"
Gomez's voice dutifully cuts out as it is interrupted by the entire room's lights going dark. They flicker, and when they return, the glasses have disappeared, replaced by a simple handwritten note.
"This is going to be nonsensical, isn't it?" Janus complains.
"Gasp!" Gomez says aloud. "How mysterious."
"Well go on!" You encourage him. "Read what it says."
"To the fine councilmen and women and duck of DEI. While I must politely apologize for the appropriation of your personal effects, I must assure you that it was necessary to right a most egregious imbalance. I assure you that they shall be returned, though not necessarily in pristine condition!
I have already provided your representatives the opportunity, following their acceptable performance in hunting down my sheep in wolf's clothing, to engage with the coming rectification. I invite you to relax while the situation moves toward a satisfactory conclusion.
For myself, at the least.
Faithfully Yours.
Splortch"
Gomez finishes and allows his verbal font to return to normal.
"What was that?" Ludivine asks.
"The paper was signed only with a single massive inkstain."
"I meant the font, not the sound effect," Ludivine mutters.
"Wait a moment." Coyote asks from his still slowly rotating net. "It says effects. Plural. But all I see that has been taken would have to be the blackglasses."
"So what-?" Goofy began, only to fall silent as the narrative weight of the second darkness forced him to still. The lights again fail, flicker, and then slowly return.
You aren't there anymore.
"Oh dear." Gomez said.
A moment later he held up a carafe.
"Would anyone else like some coffee?"
- Pronouns
- She/Her
I have no clue what just happened, but I loved it!
- Location
- Florida
- Pronouns
- He/Him
The invisitext for those who might have trouble highlighting it from your phone.
- Location
- The City of Tears, Hallownest
- Pronouns
- He/Him
Mez found most of the moles, including the clone Coyote, however, it wasn't in time to stop the Blot from enacting his FIENDISH PLAN which was to steal the sunglasses that Gomez was about to use to re-summong Agent Unknown. And Us. Luckily Mez and Mirage are on the case. Also we bonded with Coyote, so that's nice.
Thank you, Janus, for saying what we were all thinking.
…That explains the tier three infiltration I think?
Well, at least somebody's having fun.
Now we get to wait on pins and needles to see how Jumba's crit fail got involved in this mess.
- Location
- Great Khanate of Scotland
- Pronouns
- She/Her
So the mole was Ralph Wolf. Well, if you had to pick any Toon to impersonate