DoofQuest- a Disney Villains Victorious CK2-Style Quest
- Thread starter Made in Heaven
- Start date
- Crossover
weredrago2
"Cowabunga, Shadow the Hedgehog..."
- Location
- Florida
It isn't anything folks haven't seen and freaked out over before. This card is in there with the rest of the hero cards. Take a look if you haven't. They're helpful!
DoofQuest Hero Cards [PUBLIC]
DoofQuest Hero Cards Howdy! This quirky card collecting mechanic will help you keep track of all of the characters you may run into in DoofQuest! The Rules You automatically gain the card of every hero unit you have. You have the chance to gain new cards whenever you interact with new charact...
docs.google.com
- Location
- Germany
And now, you can add Doofquest to that "illustrous resumee", where, while he *could* have survived 2.5 other Kings teaming up on him despite everything, both he rolled so shittily and Doof/Shego so good that he got curb-stomped on his on turm, imprisoned while another Villain took over his Kingship with the help of the Sinatra android he build as another way to ego-stroke and ultimately got killed on his last escape attempt because his MacGuyvered rocket pack frizzed out...Buddy just can´t catch a break in Gridlocked-based games, can he?
C-Moon gave me the green light to share this, so here we go! One Syndrome card!
*cracks up*
...that epitaph...
Speaking of which, you guys got any plans for Syndrome if he handn´t eaten shit and diead at the Sands?
weredrago2
"Cowabunga, Shadow the Hedgehog..."
- Location
- Florida
I reckon he would have been a major obstacle in getting the whole super legislature issue resolved in a way that actually helps anyone besides himself. Other than that, I'm not sure what I should and shouldn't divulge.
- Location
- Germany
Both very reasonable assumptions, yes.
I´d say that at one point, the conflict of interests between him and Shego would have boiled over similarly to what´s going on between us and Doom or Xanatos and Demona, respectively.
- Pronouns
- She/Her
Not even a question of could. He should have survived, even if his rep would take a massive hit, except he double crit failed a fighting roll and then crit failed on escaping Sinatron.
- Location
- The City of Tears, Hallownest
- Pronouns
- He/Him
don't we have kitsune coming off a personal this turn? why don't we let her take it?
- Location
- USA
Some people want to put her on a quest instead.
- Pronouns
- He
Would be possible to see a hypothetical Perry the Platypus if he was alive? or anyone from the twilight zone? Like Mr. Death or Rod Sterling? These guys feel more they are forces of narrative if anything
Negaduck's card is obviously blue because he is so villainous that he loops around to heroism.
Also, horseshoe theory of heroic/villainous alignment confirmed!
Stratagemini
Totally a Fire Ferret.
- Location
- Central Park
- Pronouns
- He/Him/They/Them
Why is Negaduck's diplomacy so low? if Diplo dots are diplomacy as applied, I find the arguments of a murderous maniac with a chainsaw a lot more compelling and convincing than that one dot.
- Location
- The City of Tears, Hallownest
- Pronouns
- He/Him
Intimidate checks are martial, not diplomacy.
- Pronouns
- He
The people who usually work with him is due to his intimidation or his reputation. He can be charming when he wants to be, but we know he hates being seen as friendly. The guy is awful to people. His relationship with the other Fearsome 4 is purely professional. He has made it clear he has no respect for anyone. That episode when he messed with Morgana and Darkwing was more Intrigue than Diplomacy. He was taking advantage of an argument and knew what to say beforehand.
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We never got a Huntsmaster card. Not for Huntsmaster Thorn, but for the previous guy.
Now his stats would be a bit, err, shit, because he got Demona'd, but still!
- Pronouns
- He/Him
Furious 5 is the ninja petting zoo from Kung Fu Panda, Fearsome 5 is Negaduck's gang!
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Malf needs a network of allies, a coven is a network of allies. It'd be slightly riskier, but the potential payoff is a lot higher if it removes his malus or reveals how to do so.
Goodbye Hego & Max
- Location
- USA
July / August 2017
July / August 2017 Results
Goodbye Hego & Max
"And you're sure this will work?" The beanie-donning teen absent-mindedly texted on her phone watching the wizard who reminded her too much of her boss in the process of making a "transference Itation" or something. She wasn't really paying attention.
"Of course I am! The spell just needs a few more final touches, and the Tri-Leyline area's magic will be mine to control!"
He paused in consideration.
"Assuming of course that no one else in Danville has a backstory revealing moment more compelling than my own sordid history with lawn gnomes while I activate the spell, the leyline's magic shall fuel three magical wishes! Now, what are you planning to use your one wish on?"
"I just wish Max will take the news well."
---
You are Hego. And you are not having a good time.
Everywhere you look, you see constant reminders of your failures. People whispering behind your back, news coverage of you destroying property, and one awkward elevator ride with a very apologetic Roddy.
Being lost in your own self pity caused you to stumble right into another DEI employee that was having a terrible day of his own. Max Goof.
"OH, For the love of-" Max had started to rant, but noticing you, paused. "Oh, uh, Sorry about that, just having one of those days."
"I'm not made of porcelain." You groaned. "Did Doof tell people to take it easy on me or something? Everyone is treating me with kid gloves!"
Max gulped. "No. Nothing like that. But trouble with the boss? I can understand what you're going through."
He let out a big breath. "I made it explicitly clear that I never wanted to travel across the world on some adventure, and a few minutes ago I get a text message telling me to pack for a trip to Norway to go spelunking in some kind of dark, dangerous, cold temple on the boss's orders!"
Max's anger was clearly out of control, so you did the heroic thing and let him vent it out in a healthy manner.
"...And the worst thing is, he invited my dad on the trip as well, and he's really excited to go. I don't want to let him down by refusing, it's all a huge mess."
You felt the urge to respond. Or maybe to vent yourself. "Doofenshmirtz taunts me by putting me into a position where I can't do anything of true value. It must be nice to get some support, albeit misguided."
Max rolled his eyes. "Oh, don't tell me you're what, envious, of me? People let you do what you want, you're never forced to tag along like some kind of good luck charm!"
You don't know what came over you, but the seal had been broken by now. "At least you're involved with stuff that matters! I was never fighting real villains until the one time it mattered and I screwed it all up!" You spat.
Max took a breath and continued his rant. "Oh, like that's so bad. Family that cares about what you think. My dad couldn't live one week without me when I left to go off to college. So he enrolled in the exact same courses as me, without any regard for my feelings or how it would impact my social life... and now look at me - I'm a drop out!"
Max pulled out his hand and started counting fingers as he continued. "But you're set for life! You've got rich family, powers, a cushy career, fame, the whole package! If I was given the advantages you had, I wouldn't just be an intern because my dad works here. I could make a real name for myself... doing anything else!"
You sighed. You really had no business commenting on his situation, but you felt the need to respond in kind. "You don't even know what you want to do in life yet, do you? And you wonder why your father feels the need to stay near you, why people around you constantly push you out of your comfort zone? It's because they fear you'll never make something of yourself otherwise. They say opportunity never knocks twice... but I'd say opportunity knocked you too many times on the head."
It felt grossly satisfying to use a 'heroic quip' in a petty argument like this, but you kept on going.
"I wish you would get the opportunity to see how good you have it."
Max snapped. "And I wish you got the opportunity to see how good you have it. And while we're wishing for things, you're right, I don't know what I want out of life, but I want to discover that on my own!
And with Max's final declaration, you heard a great boom: the sound of the Dramatic-Lightning-Inator. The room went pitch black, and as the lights turned off you felt a sharp pain in your head for just a brief moment forcing you to close your eyes in pain.
But when you opened them, you noticed yourself. And you were looking back at... you.
Both you's yelled in shock.
---
Goodbye Hego & Max, Hello Max and Hego!
Stats
Martial: 28 (Max is in the body of a pretty powerful superhero. He's also much more intelligent and willing to get violent to solve his problems. Some might blame his inherent toon nature for his violence, but he blames video games.)
Diplomacy: 18 (Max is reasonably personable but not an expert. He feels a lot more confident now that he has a chiseled jaw and isn't expecting a joke at his expense every minute)
Stewardship: 12 (Feels too much like schoolwork. But being in a leadership position feels kind of nice. And now that he has Hego's tastebuds, Bueno Nacho's food is a lot more appealing)
Intrigue: 12 (Max could barely trick his own dad.)
Learning: 13 (Max was doing fine in college before the X-Games incident.)
Traits
The In-Crowd: Max has +10 Diplomacy on tasks related to other youths. He's found that this talent extends to marketing as well, granting an additional +10 to stewardship rolls related to advertising, campaigning, or marketing.
Free at Last: Max's constant worrying about what would happen next to him has left him exceptionally prepared and observant of the world around him, now that he doesn't need to worry about becoming the butt of a joke. He gains +10 in chaotic or potentially chaotic situations.
Dreamfinder: Max gains a +10 to all personal rolls involving discovering or re-discovering a life dream.
Loyalty: 5
Gave Me a Job: +10 (Max is grateful that you've given him a job that's better than his position at the Doofenshmirtz Evil Megamart.)
Declares Yourself Evil: +5 (Max thinks it's actually pretty cool that you declare yourself to be evil.)
Eccentric Kook: -5 (You're a bit too wacky for Max's tastes.)
Evil Benefits: +5
Funny Farm: +10
Worst Trip Ever: -10 (Max hated the trip to Peru with a passion. He hates traveling to the far corners of the earth in general.)
The Old Country: -10 (Drusselstein was horrible. Decays September/October 2017)
Are You Kidding Me: -0 (You asked him to travel AGAIN! He doesn't seem to mind for some reason.)
Known Preferences
Max Goof wants a quiet life and greatly dislikes going on quests to the far reaches of the Earth! Can you blame him?
Stats
Martial: 18 (Hego, now in the body of Max has some degree of resiliency from technically being a toon, and has had plenty of combat training and experience. While he lacks his powers, his newfound access to Toon-y mannerisms is something he finds useful.)
Diplomacy: 11 (Hego has natural charisma, but lacks the chops needed to parlay that into reliable persuasive power.)
Stewardship: 18 (Hego is a halfway decent administrator, having run a major and later the only Bueno Nacho franchise location.)
Intrigue: 3 (Hego is as subtle as a brick to the head, and thinks two minute long speeches are the only appropriate way to engage with a villain.)
Learning: 5 (Hego is, unfortunately, a bit dim.)
Traits
Joking Around: Toons add a certain spice to life that few others can match. Any roll this unit is assigned to will automatically have the explosion threshold lowered by 10, but the critical fail threshold increases by 10 as well. If a roll has a critical fail threshold higher than its DC, the DC remains unchanged but any roll below the DC becomes a critical failure.
Rubberhose: No matter what sort of critical fail might befall Hego, he is now a toon. So long as you keep him loyal, he will never take permanent damage or need time to recover after a crit fail- whatever went wrong, he's ready to try again.
Daze of Glory: Hego is an idealist with poor situational awareness, which together means he still holds to the bygone days of heroes and villains. Heroic speeches, last minute escapes, bam zip pow action- this is his bread and butter, which means he does poorly when the criminal mastermind just pulls a gun out. But being a Toon changes all that. Now he has literal narrative weight enforcing his golden age conventions, and he won't break character. Hego has +20 to all rolls against foes that hew to the precepts of the Glory Days or narrative convention, but only a +10 against particularly ruthless or pragmatic foes.
Loyalty: -20
EEEEEEEEEEVIIIIIIIIL: -15 (Hego has some concerns.)
Bewildering Naivete: +10 (Hego believes the best of everyone.)
Evil Benefits: +5
Part-Time Zero: -5 (Hego is feeling unsatisfied with rescuing cats from trees and wants to do some true heroics.)
The Old Country: -10 (Drusselstein was horrible. Decays September/October 2017)
Don't Patronize Me: -5 (Hego felt a little looked down on)
Known Preferences
Super Heroic: Hego considers himself a dashing hero, and will do best when he knows he is helping people and making evil pay. While having to do some sort of bureaucratic task may disappoint him, he will be horrified at the thought of committing true evil. If Hego is ever assigned to a less than benevolent task, Doof must pass an intrigue check, else Hego refuses to help and his loyalty will drop. The morally grayer and more blatant the task, the harder the challenge
"Max" seemed mildly excited at the opportunity to go spelunking in Norway and has left Doofania without a single complaint! You knew all along that he just needed a push! His change of heart should probably last for the foreseeable future!
"Hego" has gained the personals: Play some video games, Discover your dreams, Practice adulting
"Max" has gained the personals: Study comedy with Goofy, Eat at Bueno Nacho, Do Good Deeds.
Nartical said:
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July / August 2017 Results
Forged in Heck said:
Forged in Heck said:
Forged in Heck said:
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Forged in Heck said:
Goodbye Hego & Max
"And you're sure this will work?" The beanie-donning teen absent-mindedly texted on her phone watching the wizard who reminded her too much of her boss in the process of making a "transference Itation" or something. She wasn't really paying attention.
"Of course I am! The spell just needs a few more final touches, and the Tri-Leyline area's magic will be mine to control!"
He paused in consideration.
"Assuming of course that no one else in Danville has a backstory revealing moment more compelling than my own sordid history with lawn gnomes while I activate the spell, the leyline's magic shall fuel three magical wishes! Now, what are you planning to use your one wish on?"
"I just wish Max will take the news well."
---
You are Hego. And you are not having a good time.
Everywhere you look, you see constant reminders of your failures. People whispering behind your back, news coverage of you destroying property, and one awkward elevator ride with a very apologetic Roddy.
Being lost in your own self pity caused you to stumble right into another DEI employee that was having a terrible day of his own. Max Goof.
"OH, For the love of-" Max had started to rant, but noticing you, paused. "Oh, uh, Sorry about that, just having one of those days."
"I'm not made of porcelain." You groaned. "Did Doof tell people to take it easy on me or something? Everyone is treating me with kid gloves!"
Max gulped. "No. Nothing like that. But trouble with the boss? I can understand what you're going through."
He let out a big breath. "I made it explicitly clear that I never wanted to travel across the world on some adventure, and a few minutes ago I get a text message telling me to pack for a trip to Norway to go spelunking in some kind of dark, dangerous, cold temple on the boss's orders!"
Max's anger was clearly out of control, so you did the heroic thing and let him vent it out in a healthy manner.
"...And the worst thing is, he invited my dad on the trip as well, and he's really excited to go. I don't want to let him down by refusing, it's all a huge mess."
You felt the urge to respond. Or maybe to vent yourself. "Doofenshmirtz taunts me by putting me into a position where I can't do anything of true value. It must be nice to get some support, albeit misguided."
Max rolled his eyes. "Oh, don't tell me you're what, envious, of me? People let you do what you want, you're never forced to tag along like some kind of good luck charm!"
You don't know what came over you, but the seal had been broken by now. "At least you're involved with stuff that matters! I was never fighting real villains until the one time it mattered and I screwed it all up!" You spat.
Max took a breath and continued his rant. "Oh, like that's so bad. Family that cares about what you think. My dad couldn't live one week without me when I left to go off to college. So he enrolled in the exact same courses as me, without any regard for my feelings or how it would impact my social life... and now look at me - I'm a drop out!"
Max pulled out his hand and started counting fingers as he continued. "But you're set for life! You've got rich family, powers, a cushy career, fame, the whole package! If I was given the advantages you had, I wouldn't just be an intern because my dad works here. I could make a real name for myself... doing anything else!"
You sighed. You really had no business commenting on his situation, but you felt the need to respond in kind. "You don't even know what you want to do in life yet, do you? And you wonder why your father feels the need to stay near you, why people around you constantly push you out of your comfort zone? It's because they fear you'll never make something of yourself otherwise. They say opportunity never knocks twice... but I'd say opportunity knocked you too many times on the head."
It felt grossly satisfying to use a 'heroic quip' in a petty argument like this, but you kept on going.
"I wish you would get the opportunity to see how good you have it."
Max snapped. "And I wish you got the opportunity to see how good you have it. And while we're wishing for things, you're right, I don't know what I want out of life, but I want to discover that on my own!
And with Max's final declaration, you heard a great boom: the sound of the Dramatic-Lightning-Inator. The room went pitch black, and as the lights turned off you felt a sharp pain in your head for just a brief moment forcing you to close your eyes in pain.
But when you opened them, you noticed yourself. And you were looking back at... you.
Both you's yelled in shock.
---
Goodbye Hego & Max, Hello Max and Hego!
Stats
Martial: 28 (Max is in the body of a pretty powerful superhero. He's also much more intelligent and willing to get violent to solve his problems. Some might blame his inherent toon nature for his violence, but he blames video games.)
Diplomacy: 18 (Max is reasonably personable but not an expert. He feels a lot more confident now that he has a chiseled jaw and isn't expecting a joke at his expense every minute)
Stewardship: 12 (Feels too much like schoolwork. But being in a leadership position feels kind of nice. And now that he has Hego's tastebuds, Bueno Nacho's food is a lot more appealing)
Intrigue: 12 (Max could barely trick his own dad.)
Learning: 13 (Max was doing fine in college before the X-Games incident.)
Traits
The In-Crowd: Max has +10 Diplomacy on tasks related to other youths. He's found that this talent extends to marketing as well, granting an additional +10 to stewardship rolls related to advertising, campaigning, or marketing.
Free at Last: Max's constant worrying about what would happen next to him has left him exceptionally prepared and observant of the world around him, now that he doesn't need to worry about becoming the butt of a joke. He gains +10 in chaotic or potentially chaotic situations.
Dreamfinder: Max gains a +10 to all personal rolls involving discovering or re-discovering a life dream.
Loyalty: 5
Gave Me a Job: +10 (Max is grateful that you've given him a job that's better than his position at the Doofenshmirtz Evil Megamart.)
Declares Yourself Evil: +5 (Max thinks it's actually pretty cool that you declare yourself to be evil.)
Eccentric Kook: -5 (You're a bit too wacky for Max's tastes.)
Evil Benefits: +5
Funny Farm: +10
Worst Trip Ever: -10 (Max hated the trip to Peru with a passion. He hates traveling to the far corners of the earth in general.)
The Old Country: -10 (Drusselstein was horrible. Decays September/October 2017)
Are You Kidding Me: -0 (You asked him to travel AGAIN! He doesn't seem to mind for some reason.)
Known Preferences
Max Goof wants a quiet life and greatly dislikes going on quests to the far reaches of the Earth! Can you blame him?
Stats
Martial: 18 (Hego, now in the body of Max has some degree of resiliency from technically being a toon, and has had plenty of combat training and experience. While he lacks his powers, his newfound access to Toon-y mannerisms is something he finds useful.)
Diplomacy: 11 (Hego has natural charisma, but lacks the chops needed to parlay that into reliable persuasive power.)
Stewardship: 18 (Hego is a halfway decent administrator, having run a major and later the only Bueno Nacho franchise location.)
Intrigue: 3 (Hego is as subtle as a brick to the head, and thinks two minute long speeches are the only appropriate way to engage with a villain.)
Learning: 5 (Hego is, unfortunately, a bit dim.)
Traits
Joking Around: Toons add a certain spice to life that few others can match. Any roll this unit is assigned to will automatically have the explosion threshold lowered by 10, but the critical fail threshold increases by 10 as well. If a roll has a critical fail threshold higher than its DC, the DC remains unchanged but any roll below the DC becomes a critical failure.
Rubberhose: No matter what sort of critical fail might befall Hego, he is now a toon. So long as you keep him loyal, he will never take permanent damage or need time to recover after a crit fail- whatever went wrong, he's ready to try again.
Daze of Glory: Hego is an idealist with poor situational awareness, which together means he still holds to the bygone days of heroes and villains. Heroic speeches, last minute escapes, bam zip pow action- this is his bread and butter, which means he does poorly when the criminal mastermind just pulls a gun out. But being a Toon changes all that. Now he has literal narrative weight enforcing his golden age conventions, and he won't break character. Hego has +20 to all rolls against foes that hew to the precepts of the Glory Days or narrative convention, but only a +10 against particularly ruthless or pragmatic foes.
Loyalty: -20
EEEEEEEEEEVIIIIIIIIL: -15 (Hego has some concerns.)
Bewildering Naivete: +10 (Hego believes the best of everyone.)
Evil Benefits: +5
Part-Time Zero: -5 (Hego is feeling unsatisfied with rescuing cats from trees and wants to do some true heroics.)
The Old Country: -10 (Drusselstein was horrible. Decays September/October 2017)
Don't Patronize Me: -5 (Hego felt a little looked down on)
Known Preferences
Super Heroic: Hego considers himself a dashing hero, and will do best when he knows he is helping people and making evil pay. While having to do some sort of bureaucratic task may disappoint him, he will be horrified at the thought of committing true evil. If Hego is ever assigned to a less than benevolent task, Doof must pass an intrigue check, else Hego refuses to help and his loyalty will drop. The morally grayer and more blatant the task, the harder the challenge
"Hego" has gained the personals: Play some video games, Discover your dreams, Practice adulting
"Max" has gained the personals: Study comedy with Goofy, Eat at Bueno Nacho, Do Good Deeds.
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- Pronouns
- He/They
That's beautiful, I love it.
- Pronouns
- He/Him
Almost perfect. You forgot to use freaky fridayed as a verb though, so unfortunately I must dock you 3 points.
- Location
- Two hours away
- Pronouns
- He/Him
Did Roddy get the Doonkleberry bush?
- Location
- The great frozen north
So, since Doofania is getting attacked directly by a rather visible enemy with a large number of foot mooks, would now be a good time to ask what Doofanis's gun control laws are? Like, can we just have someone sing The Mob Song and have a horde of shotgun and long rifle-wielding rednecks show up to shoot every suspicious-looking cat they see, or is doof rather focused on making sure the raptor-riding Mongol Corps are the only people in the Tri-State area with shooty sticks?
Doofania consists of Wyoming, Utah, and Colorado, and to my knowledge all of them have relatively permissive gun control laws, with no permit required to open carry. And I doubt that Doof has tried or been able to interfere with that; his new laws of questionable legal backing are generally petty stuff people go along with because it's not a big deal. At the same time, I wouldn't count too much on riling up an angry mob to fight off Kat- that's predictable enough that Kat would probably have just brought enough foot soldiers to counterbalance any advantage we might have gotten from it (and from a meta perspective, we probably aren't going to get a bonus to defending our territory for something we had literally zero involvement with).
- Pronouns
- He/Him
I think being bulletproof was also explicitly one of the powers Jumba's cat serum granted.
Crisis: Kataclysm- A Bad Foundation
- Location
- Pennsylvania
The headstrong hero gaped at the half-built lair that surrounded him. The cavernous ceiling was full of exposed wires and partially-filled insulation, the detritus of a hideout half-formed. The apparent mastermind was perched atop a girder on the other end of the room, busy welding what looked to be a support for a future evil throne.
"Roddy!" Hego gasped. "You're behind all this?"
"Okay." Roddy said resignedly. "We're doing this now."
"How could you so flagrantly disobey zoning laws in the midst of such a crisis?!?" Hego asked his long-trusted coworker. "I must ask you to cease and desist."
Roddy lifted up his welding mask, sending the twin ends of his waxed mustache wobbling. "Could you move along? I have a lot of work to be doing today."
"I can't let you do that! I'm afraid I'm going to need to apprehend you."
Hego Martial Roll: Apprehend Him
3+28+3 (Glory Daze)-27(Zero)=7
Roddy Contest: 30+14+40 (Hall of Horror)=84
Utter Critical Failure.
Approximately two seconds after moving forwards, Hego depressed a pressure plate in the floor of the room, and found his leg sinking up to the knee in a viscous black goo that expanded and then rapidly solidified around his leg. Around him a series of launchers sprung from the walls and aimed directly at the super, but only one managed to fire a burst of the sticky black substance before they stood down. A pair of manacles descended from the ceiling on metallic strands, locking around Hego's arms.
"Pathetic." Roddy complained, looking down on the captured Super. "I didn't even have to use the spike wall."
"This pitiful trap cannot contain a true hero!" Hego declared.
Escape the Trap: DC 120
70+28+3 (Glory Daze)-27 (Zero)=74
Failure
"Hero?" Roddy asked as Hego struggled ineffectually. "You don't know the meaning of the word."
Roddy stood up and leapt deftly to the ground, striding towards Hego with a scowl on his face. "You might as well stop struggling. Those chains are impervium alloy. You'd sooner tear the entire building down."
"Listen to me!" Hego demanded, still fighting against the chain. "Perhaps I can overlook this flagrant violation for the time being, if you let me go! I must stop that Fel-"
"I swear. If you say 'Felonious Feline', I will throw you into the lava pit and then you'll really be feeling the heat."
"...criminal kitty?" Hego hazarded.
"For god's sake, work on your material." Roddy complained. He took a moment to reach down into his toolkit, pulling out a sandwich wrapped in cellophane and leisurely unfolding it.
"This isn't important!" Hego insisted. "They need me up there!"
"Oh they need you, do they." Roddy frowned, stopping a few feet away from the crushed crusader. "They need you."
A flicker of doubt flashed across Hego's features. "Of course! I… I'm the hero!"
"The hero? In here, heroes are zeroes… but then, you've never really been a hero to begin with."
"What are you talking about! Of course I have!"
Roddy fixed Hego with a flat look. "Really. I'm sure you used to be a big shot in Go City, but what sort of fantastic heroics have you been up to lately?"
"I saved cats from trees!"
Roddy flicked a switch with one hand even as he took a bite out of the sandwich in the other. A massive projection on a nearby wall revealed that the city was under attack by superpowered cats of all stripes, many of them ones that Hego had rescued before.
"How's that workin' out for ya?"
Hego blanched at the realization that he may have helped the cats too much, but continued onwards regardless.
"Dozens of old ladies are on other sides of the street because of me! The other day, I even tackled someone trying to rob the liquor store!"
A look of disbelief, pity and derision mingled on Roddy's face. "And how about the guys dealing drugs? The muggings, the pickpockets, the grand theft auto, anything that couldn't have been handled by a mall cop on a segway? Hell, I cleared this place out myself a couple days before this all started."
"There was that… one time in the wasteland…" Hego tried.
"Hahahaha. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!" Roddy cackled. "Yeah. I heard about that one. Hah. I see the PSA now. So, you've taken artificial superpower drugs and somehow became more effective under the influence than out of it."
"We apprehended that vile fiend in the end!"
"And he crawled out of the trunk halfway through Colorado. Real effective hero work right there."
"It's not my fault that the-"
"It never is, is it?" Roddy glared. "Let me tell you something, kid. You know the greats, right? Mr. Incredible. Boss Awesome. Gazerbeam. Hell, even The Commander. All the rest. I grew up with 'em. Even worked for a few of them." Roddy cricked his neck. "You're not fit to clean their spandex."
"What would a villain like you know-"
"Quite a lot, actually." Roddy began to pace back and forth. "Though I'm not always such a bad guy, since you're too stupid to notice. You wanna know what they had, kid?"
"An unwavering devotion to the cause of truth and-"
"Shut. Up." Roddy's eyes glinted dangerously in the OSHA compliant light.
Hego shut up.
"They had vision. Not that stupid, sappy, dimwitted stubbornness you like to pretend makes you a good person. They woke up every morning and asked themselves 'how can I make the world a better place today?"
"I-" Hego began. Before he could continue, a pair of arc welders leapt out of the walls, their flickering blue light halting mere inches from his face.
"Lesson's not over, sonny." Roddy said, face an inch from Hego's own. After a moment he withdrew, took a bite from his sandwich, and resumed pacing.
"You don't. You bash your head against a brick wall over and over again, thinking that if you just bash that brick wall hard enough, it'll turn into a door. That Golden Age you look up to so much wasn't cut and dry. Oh sure, more people back then had a sense of honor. You didn't get those costumed psychos who killed a dozen orphans for breakfast. But people died. Lotta em to cape-related accidents. But some of them were heroes dying to villains after they got cocky. A few of 'em were even villains dying to heroes who got sick of them escaping jail one too many times. There were rules, but they were only followed because they made the whole thing easier. It wasn't this make-believe namby-pamby FCLORP fantasy that you seem so hellbent on bringing back, even though it never actually happened!"
Hego hung limply in his restraints, muscles flagging even as his heart fought to resist. "I've tried-"
"THE DAMN DUCK DID MORE THAN YOU!" Roddy bellowed, pointing at Hego accusingly. "He, at least, got a trainer. He looked at himself, realized his deficiencies, and asked Genghis goddamn Khan to teach him to fight! And after that he just kept going! He's picked up every single tip and trick he could to get better, and it's all to find some stupid cartoon! And what were you doing in the meantime? Bench pressing cars in the Doofenshmirtz Megamart parking lot? Going for leisurely, supervillain funded strolls down the cleanest streets in the city, taking cats across the street and helping old ladies down from trees and calling it heroism? Staring at a poster of someone you pretend you could be? Heroism is about putting your life on the line, it's about making the hard choices, it's fighting the good fight against impossible odds. That requires you to be mentally capable of recognizing the odds are impossible! Heroism is what makes supervillainy worth doing, and seeing you playing at it like a snot-nosed five year old is an absolute disgrace to the men you look up to."
Roddy clawed at the air in consternation, the plastic wrap on his sandwich crinkling harshly.
"That someone so dull thinks he could ever match up to Mr. Incredible sickens me to the core."
At last, Hego said nothing.
"You wanna keep playing hero?" Roddy asked. With the press of a button, the manacles snapped open, sending Hego tumbling back to Earth. "Fine. Go on, knock yourself out."
Roddy finished his sandwich and turned back to his welding with a grunt.
"I'm certainly not gonna bother watching."
---
Days later, when Roddy came to in front of an enormous dream-home he could barely remember building, he would feel bad about what he'd said to Hego.
But he wouldn't say a word of it was wrong.
"Roddy!" Hego gasped. "You're behind all this?"
"Okay." Roddy said resignedly. "We're doing this now."
"How could you so flagrantly disobey zoning laws in the midst of such a crisis?!?" Hego asked his long-trusted coworker. "I must ask you to cease and desist."
Roddy lifted up his welding mask, sending the twin ends of his waxed mustache wobbling. "Could you move along? I have a lot of work to be doing today."
"I can't let you do that! I'm afraid I'm going to need to apprehend you."
Hego Martial Roll: Apprehend Him
3+28+3 (Glory Daze)-27(Zero)=7
Roddy Contest: 30+14+40 (Hall of Horror)=84
Utter Critical Failure.
Approximately two seconds after moving forwards, Hego depressed a pressure plate in the floor of the room, and found his leg sinking up to the knee in a viscous black goo that expanded and then rapidly solidified around his leg. Around him a series of launchers sprung from the walls and aimed directly at the super, but only one managed to fire a burst of the sticky black substance before they stood down. A pair of manacles descended from the ceiling on metallic strands, locking around Hego's arms.
"Pathetic." Roddy complained, looking down on the captured Super. "I didn't even have to use the spike wall."
"This pitiful trap cannot contain a true hero!" Hego declared.
Escape the Trap: DC 120
70+28+3 (Glory Daze)-27 (Zero)=74
Failure
"Hero?" Roddy asked as Hego struggled ineffectually. "You don't know the meaning of the word."
Roddy stood up and leapt deftly to the ground, striding towards Hego with a scowl on his face. "You might as well stop struggling. Those chains are impervium alloy. You'd sooner tear the entire building down."
"Listen to me!" Hego demanded, still fighting against the chain. "Perhaps I can overlook this flagrant violation for the time being, if you let me go! I must stop that Fel-"
"I swear. If you say 'Felonious Feline', I will throw you into the lava pit and then you'll really be feeling the heat."
"...criminal kitty?" Hego hazarded.
"For god's sake, work on your material." Roddy complained. He took a moment to reach down into his toolkit, pulling out a sandwich wrapped in cellophane and leisurely unfolding it.
"This isn't important!" Hego insisted. "They need me up there!"
"Oh they need you, do they." Roddy frowned, stopping a few feet away from the crushed crusader. "They need you."
A flicker of doubt flashed across Hego's features. "Of course! I… I'm the hero!"
"The hero? In here, heroes are zeroes… but then, you've never really been a hero to begin with."
"What are you talking about! Of course I have!"
Roddy fixed Hego with a flat look. "Really. I'm sure you used to be a big shot in Go City, but what sort of fantastic heroics have you been up to lately?"
"I saved cats from trees!"
Roddy flicked a switch with one hand even as he took a bite out of the sandwich in the other. A massive projection on a nearby wall revealed that the city was under attack by superpowered cats of all stripes, many of them ones that Hego had rescued before.
"How's that workin' out for ya?"
Hego blanched at the realization that he may have helped the cats too much, but continued onwards regardless.
"Dozens of old ladies are on other sides of the street because of me! The other day, I even tackled someone trying to rob the liquor store!"
A look of disbelief, pity and derision mingled on Roddy's face. "And how about the guys dealing drugs? The muggings, the pickpockets, the grand theft auto, anything that couldn't have been handled by a mall cop on a segway? Hell, I cleared this place out myself a couple days before this all started."
"There was that… one time in the wasteland…" Hego tried.
"Hahahaha. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!" Roddy cackled. "Yeah. I heard about that one. Hah. I see the PSA now. So, you've taken artificial superpower drugs and somehow became more effective under the influence than out of it."
"We apprehended that vile fiend in the end!"
"And he crawled out of the trunk halfway through Colorado. Real effective hero work right there."
"It's not my fault that the-"
"It never is, is it?" Roddy glared. "Let me tell you something, kid. You know the greats, right? Mr. Incredible. Boss Awesome. Gazerbeam. Hell, even The Commander. All the rest. I grew up with 'em. Even worked for a few of them." Roddy cricked his neck. "You're not fit to clean their spandex."
"What would a villain like you know-"
"Quite a lot, actually." Roddy began to pace back and forth. "Though I'm not always such a bad guy, since you're too stupid to notice. You wanna know what they had, kid?"
"An unwavering devotion to the cause of truth and-"
"Shut. Up." Roddy's eyes glinted dangerously in the OSHA compliant light.
Hego shut up.
"They had vision. Not that stupid, sappy, dimwitted stubbornness you like to pretend makes you a good person. They woke up every morning and asked themselves 'how can I make the world a better place today?"
"I-" Hego began. Before he could continue, a pair of arc welders leapt out of the walls, their flickering blue light halting mere inches from his face.
"Lesson's not over, sonny." Roddy said, face an inch from Hego's own. After a moment he withdrew, took a bite from his sandwich, and resumed pacing.
"You don't. You bash your head against a brick wall over and over again, thinking that if you just bash that brick wall hard enough, it'll turn into a door. That Golden Age you look up to so much wasn't cut and dry. Oh sure, more people back then had a sense of honor. You didn't get those costumed psychos who killed a dozen orphans for breakfast. But people died. Lotta em to cape-related accidents. But some of them were heroes dying to villains after they got cocky. A few of 'em were even villains dying to heroes who got sick of them escaping jail one too many times. There were rules, but they were only followed because they made the whole thing easier. It wasn't this make-believe namby-pamby FCLORP fantasy that you seem so hellbent on bringing back, even though it never actually happened!"
Hego hung limply in his restraints, muscles flagging even as his heart fought to resist. "I've tried-"
"THE DAMN DUCK DID MORE THAN YOU!" Roddy bellowed, pointing at Hego accusingly. "He, at least, got a trainer. He looked at himself, realized his deficiencies, and asked Genghis goddamn Khan to teach him to fight! And after that he just kept going! He's picked up every single tip and trick he could to get better, and it's all to find some stupid cartoon! And what were you doing in the meantime? Bench pressing cars in the Doofenshmirtz Megamart parking lot? Going for leisurely, supervillain funded strolls down the cleanest streets in the city, taking cats across the street and helping old ladies down from trees and calling it heroism? Staring at a poster of someone you pretend you could be? Heroism is about putting your life on the line, it's about making the hard choices, it's fighting the good fight against impossible odds. That requires you to be mentally capable of recognizing the odds are impossible! Heroism is what makes supervillainy worth doing, and seeing you playing at it like a snot-nosed five year old is an absolute disgrace to the men you look up to."
Roddy clawed at the air in consternation, the plastic wrap on his sandwich crinkling harshly.
"That someone so dull thinks he could ever match up to Mr. Incredible sickens me to the core."
At last, Hego said nothing.
"You wanna keep playing hero?" Roddy asked. With the press of a button, the manacles snapped open, sending Hego tumbling back to Earth. "Fine. Go on, knock yourself out."
Roddy finished his sandwich and turned back to his welding with a grunt.
"I'm certainly not gonna bother watching."
---
Days later, when Roddy came to in front of an enormous dream-home he could barely remember building, he would feel bad about what he'd said to Hego.
But he wouldn't say a word of it was wrong.