Marked for Death: A Rational Naruto Quest

"Ahhhh," Pangola said, sliding into the hot tub next to Makakatori. She leaned back against the pangolin-shaped backrest and let her eyes droop closed. She stretched out her feet—

—and bumped them on someone.

She sat up hurriedly, eyes going wide. The waters slooshed and grew choppy as Kamenraida, the High Ambassador from the Turtle Clan to the Pangolin Clan, stood up from where he had been snoozing on the bottom of the tub.

"Ambassador!" Pangola said. "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to—"

"HOW DARE YOU KICK ME, CHILD OF THE PANGOLIN!" bellowed the turtle. "THIS IS A CAUSE OF WAR! THE TURTLE CLAN SHALL DRIVE YOU FORTH FROM THIS LAND WITH—" He broke down mid-word, giggling so hard he had to gasp for breath. He leaned back on the edge of the tub, one hand on his knee for support and the other waving dismissively at Pangola's alarm.

"Sorry," he gasped. "Sorry, sorry. I know I shouldn't but oh your face...oh, Ancient Ones, heeheehee..."

"Be nice," Makakatori scolded. "The poor girl is young." She turned to Pangola. "Just ignore him. The Turtle Clan have this theory that they can keep themselves young by having a stupid sense of humor. They like to make crazy jokes and play pranks."

"Oh," Pangola said. "Um...thank you for explaining, Lady Makakatori. Sir, I truly am sorry for kicking you. I should have been paying more attention."

"Bah, bah," Kamenraida said, waving the words aside. "You barely touched me. Don't worry about it."

"Thank you, sir," Pangola said. "How are you enjoying the facility?" She glanced back and forth between the two ambassadors, including them both in the question.

"Oh, it's lovely," Makakatori said. "I admit I wasn't entirely thrilled when Enma sent me down here, but I've come around. You guys really went all-in on this place. Hot tubs? All-day buffet? Banana flambé? How did you even get the bananas?" She shook her head in realization. "Wait. Duh, you got them from Monkey through the trade network which is half of why I myself am here." She shook her head again. "Still can't get my head around this. I'm an old-fashioned monkey and I'm used to messages and goods taking time to travel."

"It took your predecessor a few months to acclimate too, ma'am," Pangola said. "I was sorry to see him go. He was a nice man."

"Yeah, well, he hadn't seen his wife and kid for a bit too long. He was due for a rotation." Movement caught Makakatori's eye as some of the other ambassadors left the food-and-gaming area and drifted towards the tub. "Everyone best bunch up. I think we're getting some company."

Sure enough, the ambassadors of the Otter, Leopard, and Toad clans arrived at the tub moments later. Lute slipped into the water without a splash in the manner of his people, then proceeded to float on his back with a bowl of nuts balanced on his chest. Hyōgin sat on the edge and dipped one claw in. She moaned in delight at the temperature and slid into the water.

"I don't know how you people stand the cold around here," she said, submerging herself up to the neck. Her pink fur turned darker when it was wet, causing her spots to blend in more. "This water is delightful. Thank you, Pangola. Your people have been super on top of things."

"You're very wel—"

"On top of things?" Shima grouched as she clambered up over the edge of the tub and into the water without bothering to strip her robe off. "On top of things? I was told there would be a kitchen in our suite so I could make some decent home-cooked meals instead of all this weird foreign stuff."

"Now, Ma," Fukasaku said, "be nice." The ancient Toad Sage leapt in the air and landed on the surface of the water without causing a ripple. He cocked his head, considering the temperature of the water, then nodded in satisfaction and allowed himself to sit down cross-legged, lowering himself into the water until just his shoulders and head were sticking out. He leaned back, the water reshaping itself to provide better back and neck support.

"The people here have been very accommodating," Fukasaku continued. "Yes, the kitchen is more designed for heating up some soup instead of the sort of things you do at home, but it was never intended as more than a place to get a snack when you don't feel like going to the dining hall. Be reasonable."

"Don't you tell me to be reasonable, you old goat! Since when have you ever been reasonable, hm?! Never!"

"Guys?" Lute said from where he floated on his back, looking up.

"I'm very sorry, ma'am," Pangola said. "I didn't realize the facilities weren't sufficient. How may I help?"

"Hmph. Well, first of all, I'd like a decent oven. That tiny little thing is hardly big enough to cook a baby ant."

"Guys?" Lute said, his voice more intense. He sat up in the water, pushing the bowl of nuts back to the edge of the tub without looking since his eyes were still locked on the sky.

"I'll have some workers in to build one, ma'am. Would tomorrow lunchtime be acceptable?"

"Guys!" Lute snapped, cutting across the chatter. He pointed up. "What are those?"

Everyone looked up.

Three somethings were plummeting from the sky. They were long and thin, balanced on their ends, all black, and falling in a perfect triangle formation. A perfect triangle formation that seemed aimed exactly at the hot tub in which the ambassadors lounged.

The somethings shifted and revealed themselves to be humans, two men and a woman; they were wearing completely black uniforms and had been falling with arms folded on chests and feet locked together, but now their arms were moving, making throwing gestures in all directions.

The sky exploded.

Sparks of every color burst out in repeated fountains. Smoke spread everywhere. Trails of white fog followed the humans down like the wings of a gull.

A hundred feet up their fall began to stutter, brief hesitations as though they were impacting against a tower of fragile barriers that slowed them slightly without stopping them. Their fall shifted slightly, sliding a dozen yards to the north so that they would land near the tub instead of in it. The woman threw something downwards. A massive cloud erupted from the ground beneath her, engulfing the entire area and blocking all sight.

There was a massive SKADOOM! as the three impacted the earth. Pangola couldn't see their landing through the fog, but she felt the impact through the water of the tub that she was frantically climbing out of as she shouted for security.

The fog cleared away after a few seconds to reveal three figures standing not forty feet away. Pangolin eyes weren't great so she couldn't make out much in the way of detail, but the humans were smaller than she would have initially guessed. One of them had something on his back, something heavy from the way he shifted. All three of them smelled strange. Sharp, like a knife that had been scorched in fire. Probably an aftereffect of all the sparks and smoke.

The leader stepped out of the small crater he had made on impact and prowled towards the diplomats. He wore black from head to toe, including a hood that exposed only his eyes. The other two humans fell in behind him in wedge formation, ready to guard his flanks.

Hyōgin, the Leopard ambassador, growled, all her teeth visible, and raised her claws in threat.

The leader reached up and pulled off his hood, revealing a surprisingly young face split open in a blinding smile. He shoved a hand back through his hair to get rid of the hat-head and establish something more like order.

"Hello!" he called. "I'm Gōketsu Hazō. Pleasure to meet you all."

Hyōgin blinked at that and relaxed slightly. Very slightly.

"I'm the Dog Summoner," Gōketsu said. "I'm here in that role, and also to see about getting you people off your asses so we can go save the world. Is Enma back yet?"

"Came in a little hot there, didn't you, boy?" Fukasaku called.

Gōketsu glanced back to the three small craters that Team Uplift had made upon arrival. He looked back to Fukasaku.

"What?" he said. "They don't have groundskeepers?"

Fukasaku laughed.

"Hey! You there!" came a voice from the left. "On your knees! Get away from the diplomats!"

Gōketsu looked to where the security detail was charging towards them from the main building. They moved in the fashion of pangolins in a hurry: rolled into a ball, scales flaring out to tear at the earth and propel them forward at sprint speeds.

One of the still-hooded humans, the one with the barrel (?) on his back, shifted his weight. Gōketsu made a 'hold' gesture and the barrel-bearer went still.

The three security pangolins uncurled and flipped to their feet between the diplomats and the intruders.

"Which is it?" Gōketsu asked politely. "Do you want me to get on my knees, or do you want me to move away from the diplomats?"

"Really, Hazō?" the woman (girl?) asked. "Have you not been keeping up to date with your shikko?"

"I mean, I have," Gōketsu said, turning his head towards her slightly but not taking his eyes off the security team. "But this is a new drop suit and I'm not about to get grass stains on the knees if I don't have to."

"Shut up!" one of the security pangolins said. Pangola winced at the scent of him. Panbanī shouldn't be here, on the grounds of the Joint Nation Conclave. He wouldn't have been, were he not the son of Panjūyū. Panbanī was young, his scales lacking the traces of wear and cracking along the edges that came about as the result of living. More importantly, he was a hothead. Having him around foreign visitors was idiotic and she had been trying to keep him isolated as much as possible. Unfortunately, although she had full authority over the staff of the Conclave facility, the security teams were under separate command. She had been working with their commander but the kid had to go somewhere. Putting him near the buffet table during afternoon session had seemed like a good move; say what you like about him but he had perfect drill and looked terrific as long as he didn't actually need to fight. An excellent parade-ground soldier. Having him in the dining and recreation area at the very heart of the facility where it was vastly unlikely that any threat could possibly reach was good. Having him there when most of the diplomats were busy in the conference rooms was better. Who would have expected human ninja literally dropping out of the sky?

"Stand easy, everyone," said the massive security chief. Paneihei was a long-service veteran, powerful but level-headed, and exactly the sort of person you would want handling interactions with a bunch of important non-pangolins. A good set of traits in a leader, although it did mean that he often got stuck riding herd on their local perfumed prince nepo-baby.

"Gōketsu Hazō," Paneihei continued. "Are you perhaps related to our Summoner, Gōketsu Kei?"

The girl standing behind Gōketsu pulled off her hood. "I am Gōketsu Kei, now Nara Kei by right of marriage. Hazō is my brother. Noburi"—she gestured to the barrel-bearer as he pulled his hood off—"is also my brother. And you are?"

Pangola studied the self-proclaimed Summoner. She was short, at least a foot under Paneihei's six foot seven, which didn't match up too well with the figure of legend that Summoners were supposed to be. On the other hand, there was something about the way she stood that bespoke serious training.

Paneihei had apparently come to a similar conclusion. "An honor to meet you, Summoner. I am Senior Lochagos Paneihei, from Eighth Cohort."

"Lochagos, surely you're not going to take her word for it?" asked Panbanī, his voice somewhere between a whine and an accusation. "These people could be anyone!"

Panbanī's jaw worked slightly but when he spoke there was no trace of irritation in his voice. "I see that you are all humans, which means that you are all Summoners or you could not be here. Ma'am, you match the description I was given of our summoner. I am prepared to accept your identity until we can verify it properly. May I ask why the three of you are here, and why you arrived in such...dramatic fashion?"

"I'm the Dog Summoner," Gōketsu said, repeating his earlier statement. "I'm here to represent the Dog Clan at the Conclave. I'm also here to see if I can't kick you people into getting off your asses so we can go save the world. Is Enma back yet or is he still dragging his furry tail?"

"Lochagos, you're not going to let him talk like that to us, are you?!"

Paneihei's head tipped down very slightly, the gesture one that pangolins made shortly before attacking. A moment later his head came up again and he let out a slow breath.

"Dog Summoner, please excuse my subordinate. He has yet to learn when to shut up and let his elders speak."

Gōketsu chuckled. "S'all good. Kids these days, am I right?"

"Lochagos, we need to take them into custody!"

Paneihei rounded on his subordinate. "BE SILENT! Return to barracks immediately! I will deal with you later!"

Panbanī's tongue flicked out in amazement. "You can't talk to me like that! Do you know who my father is?!"

Paneihei's scales rippled, lifting up and lying down again. Any sensible person who knew anything about pangolin body language knew that when a pangolin started doing that it was a moment to back the heck off.

"Hey kid," Gōketsu said. "Check this out." He lobbed something underhand to Panbanī.

The young pangolin caught the object, a cube of about the size of a marble and clearly heavy. There was a twist of paper wrapped around it.

"What's this?" Panbanī demanded, looking from Gōketsu to the marble and back.

"That's the explosive tag that would have spread your stupid ass across twenty feet of grass if I was actually here to kill anyone," Gōketsu said. "Keep it. Call it a reminder that listening to your superior officer is a good idea, especially when he's trying to avoid open combat with an unknown force while in the presence of your protectees."

Panbanī screamed and lunged, claws raised and sharp-edged scales puffed out.

Gōketsu faded to the side, avoiding the attack, and wrapped his hand around the only part of Panbanī's body that wasn't currently covered in razors: his long, conical face. Gōketsu pulled his hand (and therefore Panbanī's face) to his hip and turned, dropping his center and going to a knee. The action dragged Panbanī to the ground and pinned him there. Pangola hadn't seen when, but at some point the human had donned something that looked remarkably like pangolin claws, except they were made of metal and went over the human's right hand like a glove. She might not have seen the human don them, but she could definitely see him delicately slip the very tip of one claw into Panbanī's nostril.

Everyone froze.

"Now," Gōketsu said, his voice that of a teacher. "We find ourselves in an interesting situation, and you don't have a lot of good moves. If you try to curl up, you'll rip your nose apart and you'll be scentblind for the rest of your life. If you try to claw me, I'll rip your nose apart, so you probably don't want to move. On the other hand, if I let you go then you might be able to curl up and murderroll me before I step out of range, so I don't particularly want to move either. Oh, and if any of your friends try to attack me then my siblings are going to have to defend me and things are going to get bad for everyone."

The one with the barrel sighed. "Hazō, are you about to do the 'shattering amounts of collateral damage' speech?"

"The speech is a bit time-worn but still accurate," Kei noted. "We do indeed tend to cause extremely large amounts of collateral damage when pressed. As one example, consider the resort in Hot Springs."

"Oh, come on!" the barrel-wearer said. "It wasn't the whole resort! It was, like, one building, max."

"I take it you did not read the after-action report that Jiraiya's network provided?"

"Seriously? Who reads those things?"

"Educated people. It was more than one building."

He rolled his eyes. "Fine, fine. Anyway, yeah. Hazō, sorry, go ahead and do your thing."

"I believe the point has been made," Paneihei said. "Dog Summoner, I will politely ask you to release my subordinate." There was an unspoken 'but I will only ask once.'

"Of course, Lochagos," Gōketsu said. He slipped the claw out of Panbanī's nose, still holding his face firmly down, then stood up and backed away carefully.

"Trooper Panbanī," Paneihei said, his voice clipped. "You will return immediately to barracks. You will go to your bunk and wait there until I have a moment to deal with you. Move."

Panbanī scurried away.

"Sorry for the scuffle, Lochagos," Gōketsu said, his voice casual but still respectful.

"A topic for another time, Dog Summoner," Paneihei said. "May I show you to a conference room and offer refreshments while we bring the relevant people to meet you?" He gestured towards the conference center.

"Sounds great," Gōketsu said, nodding politely and setting off in the indicated direction. "If you happen to have any of those stuffed cabbage leaves with the bean filling, that would be great. Those things are insanely good."

With a subtle nod, Paneihei sent his one still-silent subordinate scurrying ahead to show the way while he himself fell in behind the other two humans.

Pangola watched them go, roils of worry tying her stomach up in knots already. A flash of movement to her right brought her head around just in time to catch the two Toad ambassadors giving each other an understated high five.

---

Author's Note: I felt like writing something fun so I decided they would have a nepobaby that Hazō could throw around easily enough that I didn't have to roll for it, but Panbanī is very much not typical of the security staff on this campus. These pangolins are smart, strong, and experienced. If Hazō attempts to take them on in taijutsu he is probably going to have a very bad day.

This was told from Pangola's POV, so a couple of relevant facts that she didn't know: the craters were made by the team throwing explosive tags downwards shortly before reaching the ground. They didn't actually hit hard enough to leave craters. Also, the whole thing was planned in advance with Ma and Pa who absolutely pushed Hazō into it.

XP AWARD: 90 This update was 18 days long, the first part of it spent researching seals for your grand entrance and the last part being shown onscreen.

Brevity XP: 10

"GM had fun" XP: 25

• Team Uplift, fuck yeah!

Vote time! What to do now?

Voting ends on Wednesday, Apr 12, 2022 at 7:00 AM .