Marked for Death: A Rational Naruto Quest

"Nice to see you guys again," Hazō said, sipping his tea.

"Indeed."

Keiko rolled her eyes at her husband's duosyllabic response. Shikamaru had massive dark circles under his eyes and was visibly on the edge of falling asleep—in a 'I have not slept in three days' way instead of his usual 'ah, the ennui of my existence' way. They were meeting in the sitting room of the Nara Clan Head's personal chambers, and Shikamaru was almost visibly struggling not to look longingly at the bedroom door.

"Shikamaru, you know that you could have delayed this meeting, right?" Noburi asked. "No offense, but you look like crap."

"I am aware," replied the young Clan Head, covering a yawn. "Despite my appearance, I was actually looking forward to this meeting. Whatever you are here to request will be stated directly, most likely be of a prosocial nature, and almost certainly not exploitative or intended as a trap. This will make a pleasing contrast to the meetings that have been occupying my time for the last three weeks." He raised a hand in an interrupting gesture. "The meetings about which, unfortunately, I may not speak." A brief smile flickered across his exhausted face. "A fact for which you should be very grateful."

"Indeed," said Keiko, managing an excellent mimicry of her husband's earlier comment. "The complaining has been almost as exhausting for me as the paperwork and discussions have for him."

Shikamaru looked hurt. "'Complaining' seems unkind."

"Would you prefer 'whining'?" she said, her lips quirking in a teasing smile that actually showed a modicum of affection and thereby left Hazō feeling that his worldview had been rocked to its core.

"We don't necessarily want something," Hazō said, wounded. "Maybe we're just here for...okay, yeah, fine." He shrugged, grinning. "I want to pick up those dogsleds your engineers have been working on, but I also wanted to talk to you about our Seventh Path chakra farm. Noburi?"

"It's pretty cool," Noburi said. "The idea is that we get a bunch of high-chakra critters and stash them on the Seventh Path. As long as I keep a contracted Toad at the farm I can reverse-summon back to it from anywhere. I'm out in the field and running low on chakra? Boom! I vanish and reappear in ninety seconds, full up on chakra again."

"It also allows him to ship chakra water around," Hazō put in.

"I was getting to that! Anyway, yes, it lets me ship chakra water around, assuming the help of another Summoner who has a contracted animal at the farm. I go up there and give them some water, they go home and distribute it."

"Have you verified that your chakra water can travel between Paths?" Shikamaru asked.

"Sure. Every time I go up to talk to Gamabunta or one of the others, I bring my barrel. Easy peasy."

"What happens to water that is left behind when you change Paths?"

Hazō and Noburi exchanged nervous glances.

"We...haven't tried that one," Noburi admitted.

Shikamaru sighed. "Perhaps that might be a good test to run," he said with exaggerated patience. "It would still be useful to be able to refill other Summoners, but your ability to refill non-Summoners might be limited."

"Um...yeah. We'll do that. Thanks."

Silence fell as three pairs of eyes rested on Noburi.

"Oh! You mean now. Right, one sec. Summoning Technique: Gamasid!" Noburi pricked his finger on a kunai and started to touch it to the floor, only to pause as Keiko flicked a napkin in the way. Touching the hardwood with a layer of cloth over it had no effect, as the familiar poof of orange smoke appeared, dispersed, and revealed the toad that Jiraiya used to use as a messenger, reverse-summoner, and ambassador.

The thumb-sized toad stretched and yawned. "Hey, Noburi. How's it hangin'?"

"Doing well, Sid. You?"

"Eh. Can't complain, although you did wake me up from a lovely nap and offering some tea would be a nice gesture. Maybe even introducing me to your friends. You know, like a civilized person would."

Noburi chuckled, shaking his head in dismay. "Right, sorry. You know Hazō already. Shikamaru, Keiko, this is Gamasid. He was Jiraiya's friend, confidante, ambassador, and primary reverse-summoner. I wouldn't presume to call him my friend yet, although I'm hoping we get there. Sugar in your tea, Sid?" He poured a small amount into a saucer and pushed it closer. "I'm sorry I don't have an appropriately-sized cup."

Gamasid shook his head and sighed. "See, now this here? Shocking. Simply shocking. Just because I'm about one ten-thousandth of your size, is that any reason you shouldn't always have on your person a fully stocked set of every supply that I might possibly need?" Fortunately, the tone was teasing or Hazō would have been worried.

"I'll get right on that," Noburi said, grinning.

"Oh, and yes on the sugar. Two lumps."

"One ten-thousandth is ambiguous," Shikamaru pointed out. "Are you measuring by weight or by volume?"

Gamasid laughed. "I like this one. Snarky." He paused to lift up one of the sugar lumps in both tiny hands, dip it in the tea, and slurp the tea back out. The lump was half his bodylength but he handled it easily.

"After you finish your tea, would you mind reverse-summoning me? We want to run an experiment." Even as he spoke, Noburi was unslinging his barrel and dipping out two teacups of water. He passed one to Hazō, set the other on the low table in front of them, and immediately re-equipped the barrel.

"Sure. So, what's goin' on with you lot? Life treating you all okay? Any hot gossip to share?"

Amazingly, the tiny toad was not joking. He took ten minutes to slowly work his way through the saucer of tea, drinking all of it through the sugar lumps, and the whole time he insisted on being regaled with juicy details of the lives of humans he had almost certainly never even heard of, much less met. Finally, however, even Gamasid was sated.

"Be right back," Noburi said. "Hazō, drink that one after I leave, the other when I get back."

"Right." Hazō quickly poured chakra through his muscles, pointlessly boosting his strength and speed merely for the sake of using up the chakra. The moment the smoke cleared from Noburi's departure to the Seventh Path he raised the cup in salute and with a casual, "Health!" knocked it back as he had done with hundreds of cups of chakra water before.

The quicksilver power of his brother's chakra completely failed to infuse his coils.

Seconds later, Noburi reappeared. "Did it work?"

Hazō shook his head and drank the second cup. It had precisely as much effect as the first cup, which was to say none.

"It would appear," Shikamaru noted, "that when you are on a different Path any water from which you are separated loses its virtue."

"Sloppy thinking, husband. We know only that it loses its virtue when the water is here and he is on the Seventh Path." Perhaps only Team Uplift, and hopefully Shikamaru, would have known Keiko well enough to recognize her grave tone as the teasing that it was.

Shikamaru may or may not have recognized it, because he glared at his wife and when he spoke his tone was exasperated. "If you insist on being precise, we know only that water in those two cups loses its virtue, under all currently-applicable circumstances such as astrological configuration, lithomantic effects of the location at which Hazō is seated, and far too many other potential influences to list. However, I believe 'when the water and the source are on different Paths' to be a plausible inference."

Keiko nodded and turned her hand in silent apology.

"That's unfortunate," Hazō said, hoping to head off what could potentially turn into a marital spat if the exhausted Shikamaru was unable to take teasing in good part. "It means that we will only be able to refill Summoners as opposed to any ninja, but—"

"What you mean 'we', list boy?" Noburi demanded, grinning. "Seems to me there's only one person here doing all the work."

Hazō chuckled. "Fair. Okay, you will only be able to refill Summoners. Still, Leaf has enough of them that this is a really valuable service."

"Which brings us to the next part of my cunning plan," Noburi said.

"Your cunning plan?" Hazō asked, eyebrows up.

"Fine, our cunning plan. We're going to sell access to this service to any Leaf Summoner. Obviously, Keiko gets it free because she's my sister and she's awesome. Still, there are some details to be sorted out and we were hoping that as the resident geniuses you guys would help us sort them out."

Shikamaru yawned again, barely managing to cover it. "Yes?"

"Back at the Exams, Jiraiya warned us about the danger of draining chakra from summons," Noburi explained. "We're trying to figure out how to do it safely and not having much luck. We tried taking critters from the Human Path over there, with no success. It's not even predictable—sometimes they die, sometimes they are just left behind, blah blah no luck. Any ideas?

"Are there toads you might enquire of?"

Noburi nodded. "Yeah, Ma and Pa and Gamabunta might know something. I wanted to do my homework before talking to them; sometimes they can be a bit snarky. If we can't take animals, what do you think about me taking an egg and raising it there?"

Keiko and Shikamaru exchanged dubious glances and Shikamaru shrugged.

"It seems worth trying," he said. "I feel that I lack the knowledge about the Seventh Path and Summoning in general to be useful. On this topic I shall leave you to my brilliant wife." He turned to Keiko. "Did you find the compliment believable and heart-warming? I have been informed that such things can promote marital harmony and greater efficacy of interpersonal relations."

Keiko nodded thoughtfully. "It was a trifle obvious. A more effective version might have been to merely turn to me and say 'Keiko? You are the expert here.'"

"Thank you, I shall remember that for next time." He turned back to Hazō and Noburi. "Is there anything else? If not, I have a meeting in two hours and would prefer to sleep."

"No, we're good," Hazō said. "Thank you for taking the time."

"Of course. It's what family does, and I am your brother-in-law." He began gathering up his tea implements and placing them back on the tray.

Hazō waited a beat expectantly.

"Weren't you going to ask for my critique?"

Shikamaru raised an eyebrow in surprise. "Your critique?"

"On the compliment and...I dunno, if it would be as effective as intended at promoting harmonious relations between our clans or whatever."

Shikamaru frowned. "Not all interactions are the same, Hazō. I am unfamiliar with being married and therefore require instruction. I am more confident in my ability to interact on the basis of friendship and therefore feel no need to ask for review. In short: Sometimes a compliment is simply a compliment. Now, if you'll excuse me." He stood, bowed, and disappeared into the bedroom.


"What do you think?" Hazō asked, watching the latest-version dogsled vanish into the distance with Canaria barking in excitement as she ran.

"It seems much improved," Cannai said gravely. "We shall perform additional tests. Please return after the Human Path's second noon from now. We will have better answers at that time."

"Yes, sir." Hazō had long since given up trying to manage time conversions between the Paths and contented himself with being glad that Cannai seemed to have no problem with it.

"Candoru had interesting things to say about his time with you," Cannai noted. His tongue was not actually lolling out in canine laughter, but the tip of it could be seen at the corner of his mouth.

"Oh?"

"Yes. He was quite disgruntled at the prevalence of unfamiliar lifeforms on the Human Path. There are no fish on the Seventh Path that hunt by, and I quote, 'Jumping up your bunghole!'"

There was definitely a bit more tongue showing.

"He actually did pretty well," Hazō said.

Cannai cocked his head and the tongue disappeared. "Do tell." The tone was so dry that nearby water sources evaporated. Big ones. Like, 'inland sea' big.

"For a first timer, I mean. Um...he was...very courageous and showed a lot of determination?"

"His overabundance of courage and determination is precisely what I wanted you to train out of him."

"Yes...right. Well, he did get his head around the idea after just a few hours. He refused to go back into the mine until he could come up with a plan."

"Did he perhaps ask for a plan? Or indeed any suggestion?"

Hazō paused, thinking. "You know I'm trying to be positive here, right? On the Human Path it's a sign of loyalty and politeness for a battle companion to emphasize the positive so long as it doesn't mean distorting the facts."

"Oh, dear. Is my requirement for completeness and honesty making it difficult for you to portray the headstrong and snotty young pup in a positive light?" Fortunately, the tongue was visible again.

Hazō laughed. "Well, it would be convenient if you were a little slower with the incisive questions. At least let me frame the narrative first."

"Hm. I shall keep it in mind. Moving on. You have lived up to your promises by giving us saddlebags—although I still have no idea what a saddle is—and what at least seems to be a useful sled design. You may even have managed to put a tiny little dent in Candoru's remarkably thick skull before I or one of the other adults gave in to our desire to drown him. I suspect you now have a request?"

Hazō chuckled. "Well, it would be nice to get some additional contracts. Do you have anyone to recommend?"

"Hm. I would like you to continue working with Candoru until he finally acquires a bit of basic awareness of reality. He is young but a relatively effective combat summon. If you require more combat power, I'm sure there are dogs who would be interested in exploring another world. Beyond that, what are your needs?"

Hazō reached into his pouch and pulled out a piece of paper. "As it happens, I have a list."

"Despite the brevity of our acquaintance, I find myself remarkably unsurprised."




The bell jingled as Kagome-sensei pushed the door open. As though summoned from the depths, Gramps Tanaka (as the ancient proprietor of Tanaka's Chocolates insisted on being called) appeared from below the counter, his round face beaming.

"Welcome, M'Lords! How may I he—"

"Chocolate!" Kagome-sensei demanded, waving his arms in excitement. "All of it!"

"Not all of it, sensei," Hazō said quickly. He turned back to Tanaka. "I'll take a double-size hot chocolate with ginger and orange, plus two dozen of those chocolate-dipped varied fruits."

Kagome-sense grumbled. "Fine. I suppose I'll have the same. But make mine a triple! And put some of that whipped cream on it. Oh, and the ground cinnamon on the cream. And maybe a splash of the cherry-infused sugar syrup. And some hickory essence."

"Coming right up, M'Lords." Tanaka turned and started bustling around behind the counter, pulling the coated fruits out of the freezer. "By the way, Your Lordships, I can't get over how helpful that food storage service of yours is—the one with the storage seals? Three months ago the price of cream plummeted for a few days and I bought up twenty gallons of it. I'm still working off that same supply and it's as fresh as the day I bought it."

"You mentioned that last time we were here, Tanaka," Hazō said with a smile. "It's still good to hear."

"Did I? Well, I'm getting on. I'm thinking about retiring, you know. Maybe at the turn of summer. Leave the business to my boy."

"You said that last time as well." Hazō couldn't keep from chuckling now.

"Did I? See, I definitely need to retire!"

"You can't!" Kagome-sensei said, sounding so horrified that Tanaka paused to look up.

"You can't retire!" Kagome-sensei said, repeating himself with an absolutely stricken expression. "No one else gets the cherry-infused syrup in the right proportions to the hickory essence."

"Well, it certainly won't be for a bit yet, M'Lord. And it's really just a thought. We'll see. If I may say, you both seem very happy." He slid the neatly-arranged bowl of chocolate-coated fruit over to both Lords and went back to making the hot chocolates.

"You absolutely may say that," Hazō said, grinning. "I just now finished a research project that I've been thinking about forever. A seal research project."

"And he didn't even tear the world open even once!"

Tanaka's smile slipped a little bit. "That's good," he managed. "May I ask what the new seal does?"

Hazō shrugged and mimed buttoning his lips closed. "Classified," he said apologetically. Out of long experience he grabbed Kagome-sensei's arm before his mentor could say anything like 'and it absolutely is not a seal that lets you detect chakra being used, because that would be incredibly useful but it totally is not what we invented.'

It was always comforting, Hazō told himself, to know that he would never be the worst secret-keeper in the family.

Tanaka's smiled as he handed the two mugs of hot chocolate across the counter. "Well, I'm sure it's something wonderful that will save lots of lives. Thank you for your service."

Hazō took the hot chocolate and sipped a tiny bit, allowing the delicate ambrosia to roll softly over his palette. "Mmmmm. Thank you for your service, Gramps."

---

XP AWARD: 45 This update covered 9 days.

Brevity XP: 1

"GM had fun" XP: 1

• +1 for scene: Talking with Cannai

There will be no voting. @Velorien already has a plan for Thursday.