Vebyast
Nascent Transhuman
Agreed that getting the points across is more important; I don't think I lost any other than that Homura was the one that found them and that we spent an entire day in timestop before Sayaka's even gotten to the hospital. Smoothing out the jerkiness heightens the emotional impact all by itself, gives Sabrina much more leeway to fine-tune the delivery (more room for enunciation), and gives Sayaka fewer chances to interrupt. If you want that, no reason you can't have it. I can definitely see some awkwardness being desirable. Just wasn't certain it was intentional and wanted to check and propose tweaks.Part of the point of not being smooth about it... Well, Redshirt's rewording added a bit of jerkiness, but regardless, it's honestly more important to get the points across in a good order with that bit than it is for it to flow.