- Location
- Pacific standard
Are there chakra sky squids?
Marked for Death: A Rational Naruto Quest
- Thread starter eaglejarl
- Start date
-
- Tags
- naruto rationalist romance armageddon is looking better and better damn you kishimoto explosions everywhere explosives solve everyone if in doubt surrender to the mercy of zabuza it seemed like a good idea at the time looks like a really bad case of being a jōnin my god. where does the lore end? precommitting is the winning plan screaming in kagome screw the rules i have explosives something bad might still happen sometimes you gotta sociopath stabby zabby subsection c of paragraph 9 should include we can weaponize this so hard
It doesn't.
The way to stop people from answering "yes" is to treat any deliberately unhelpful answer ("yes", "no", affirmative", "maybe", etc.) as "the first one".
Cariyaga
Handsome Gentleperson
- Location
- United States
Emstar
The Shining One
- Location
- Trapped in an extradimensional rift.
- Pronouns
- She/They
People do the meme "Yes." answer stuff regardless of if it actually works from the statement of interpretting your question via prepositional logic, so I really don't see why folks bother.
- Location
- The Maple Syrup Mountains
It doesn't. I tried to explain it way back when people first decided it'd safeguard against the trivial yes, but no-one listened. All it does is make 'yes' invalid for the situation where both options are right, and yet people who think it's clever primarily use it for already-mutually-exclusive decisions that by definition evaluate to 'yes' for xor.
Thanks; I thought I was missing context.
- Location
- Kiev, Ukraine
There's still the XOR Initiative to change either ... or /statements with XOR but it is not intended to avoid "yes" meme iiuc
Incidentally, during my research for the wiki, I went back to chapter 17.
We see that the Hidden Whirlpools is allied to Leaf or very friendly to it that Leaf is not threatened by it. Also, the alliance made no geopolitical sense. It's a nation separated by an ocean and at least one nation before reaching Leaf.
There's also this location called Rokushima in Water, which I am not sure if it's a sea or an island, but probably an island.
Emstar
The Shining One
- Location
- Trapped in an extradimensional rift.
- Pronouns
- She/They
Eh, its nice in that you can discard it within milliseconds at least. That thing we all do sometimes where we reply to posts with 5 page philosophy papers that don't have a 2-3 sentence tl;dr at the front is way worse.
Cariyaga
Handsome Gentleperson
- Location
- United States
Be glad that I'm too lazy to respond to this with a 5 page philosophy paper
Emstar
The Shining One
- Location
- Trapped in an extradimensional rift.
- Pronouns
- She/They
See: IV's sig, thing Cari posted a few posts after Oli's interlude
- Location
- Europa, Jupiter Orbit
That in between nation used to be one of Leaf's most belligerent enemies though. Leaf guaranteeing Whirlpool's existence in through military might and gaining a useful flank in case of world war is not worthless.
- Location
- Yes.
Thanks.
- Location
- America
Will EJ beat the DC on the curse keeping this plan from going through?
- Location
- USA
- Pronouns
- He/Him
Some of it. Not sure if I'll ge everything.
@faflec Could you please figure out in which chapter Akane got Elemental Mastery?
- Location
- Yes.
It was introduced in Chapter 43, when Takahashi offered to train Akane in it. Presumably it was trained then.
Noumero
Omit Needless Words
Oh, but it does work! Proof: IIRC, no-one ever answered "yes" to my multiple-option questions if I phrased them with xor, whereas if I used "or" people did that constantly.
It just does so memetically, not logically. Mathematician's answer's humour value is rooted in its unexpectedness: it assumes that the victim was careless, accidentally left self vulnerable to the unhelpful answer, and will be dismayed when said vulnerability is exploited. Using xor signals that yes, you're aware of the meme, but no, you have no desire to bother with phrasing the question differently, and if someone answers with "yes" anyway you'll be annoyed.
It doesn't make sense logically, but it doesn't have to, in order to work. (Well, I suppose it may stop working now that I explained all of this, but whatever.)
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Noumero
Omit Needless Words
Oh, come now. How badly could've a simple clan meeting gone? We merely asked a possibly-rogue social specialist what she's been hiding from us, suggested several options for producing ludicrous amounts of money using a room that wasn't proven to be totally impregnable to eavesdropping, proposed committing treason by enlisting a foreign infiltrator's help in our Leaf takeover attempt, and decided to double-cross said infiltrator by stealing the clanless jounin necessary for her latest scheme! It'll be fine.
HAZOU: (hair is slightly on fire) Well. I am certainly never saying that sentence again.
KEI: (is sitting in the corner crying in the fetal position)
MARI: (is rocking back and forth muttering furiously, HAZOU can just about make out the words "evil", "manipulate", and "Hana's son")
NOBURI: (has finally lost his sanity and is attempting to drown AKANE in his barrel)
AKANE: (is gradually setting the building on fire with her ninjutsu while gurgle-screaming something about her former relationship with HAZOU)
KAGOME: (has fled through an exploded wall)
NARUTO: (is having ITACHI flashbacks)
HAZOU: Next time I'm just going to write everyone a post-it note. (has to dodge NARUTO sloppily trying to rasengan him for looking like an Uchiha)
- Location
- Under a Rock
Note to QMs: this is not a challenge.
Chapter 269: Clan Meeting #1
- Location
- USA
- Pronouns
- He/Him
Dinner was eaten. Hayashi and Katō had been ushered out amidst much polite bowing and words of gratitude and friendship. Dishes were put away. Everyone was sprawled over various pieces of furniture in the common room, except for Kenta and Yukari, who could at most be considered to be 'sitting very close together' instead of even 'cuddling', much less 'sprawling' on the loveseat. It was time for the announcement.
"Welcome to the First Official Clan Gōketsu Clan Meeting."
Mari's face split in a massive grin that utterly ruined the sense of gravitas Hazō had been trying for. Her eyes went wide, she clasped her hands under her chin with fingers interlaced, and let out a nigh-hypersonic squeal. "Eeeee! So adorable! You're being a grownup!" She rolled her head to the right, where Gōketsu-née-Ishihara Yukari was not-cuddling with her husband. "Isn't he adorable?"
The woman in question had clearly not internalized the concept that she was now a Gōketsu and sitting in her own absolutely enormous living room (that was in fact the size of the Ishihara-family-home ground floor) as opposed to being a guest in the house of a group of very weird ninja who did not know the basics of ninja/civilian interactions. She wasn't sure whether to smile (so as to not offend Mari) or frown (so as to not offend Hazō) or what. She settled for an expression that could really only be described as 'nervous grimace'.
"It's okay, mom," Gōketsu Akane said. "Mari-sensei is just being a tease. She does that."
"Ah," Yukari said faintly.
"Speaking of Mari," Hazō said, desperately trying to get things...well, not back on track, since they'd never been there in the first place, but at least moving generally in the direction of where the tracks might have been made. "Mari, you've been holding out on us. As your Clan Head, I need to know what our best agent is doing. It is critical to our ability to survive and thrive."
"Not much, really," she said. She was currently sprawled full-length on one of the overstuffed couches, her head propped up on the armrest in order to make it easier to nibble on some of the chocolate-coated sesame sticks that Kagome-sensei had supplied as dessert. "Visiting friends, commiserating with the family of the fallen, overthrowing the social order of Leaf, and selling seals. The usual."
"Go back to that second-to-last part," Hazō said, frowning. "That sounded important."
"Hm? Oh, that. Yes, well, I'm convincing business owners that the Merchant Council is a horrible idea that is interfering with the Gōketsu's ability to make them insanely wealthy and therefore they should pressure the members of the Merchant Council into letting us do whatever we want. I figure that since no Gōketsu is going to be eligible for the Hokage's hat for at least another generation, the least we can do is end up controlling the entire Leaf economy so we can make the office of the Hokage irrelevant." She paused to take a bite of the sesame sticks and moaned in gustatory delight. "Kagome, these are amazing. What is that flavoring?"
"You like it?! I wasn't sure. I added some—"
"Excuse me," Noburi said. "It sounded like Mari said 'make the office of the Hokage irrelevant'. Could we hear more about this thing that I'm really hoping is not treasonous? I like our house, and my bed, and not being in a killbox."
"Oh, pish," Mari said, dismissing the entire issue with a magnificently dismissive hand wave of dismissal. "Nothing I've done is even on the border of illegal. Do you want to know my secret weapon for turning civilian merchants into unknowing agents working hard to destroy Leaf's current social fabric? Respect. I am polite, I treat them like adults who are competent in their professional fields. Every merchant in this town is used to ninja being supercilious, vaguely condescending, and generally unpleasant. Word is getting around about that nice Lady Gōketsu and how she actually"—she gasped and let the bowl of snacks drop back onto her chest so she could place both hands on her cheeks in kabuki astonishment—"apologizes when she makes a mistake! Oh, the humanity!" She took her hands down and went back to nibbling.
Silence reigned. Looks were exchanged. Worries were wordlessly communicated.
"That...can't be true," Noburi said slowly.
"It absolutely is," Akane replied, all humor or lightness gone from her voice. "My parents are treated marginally better because their daughter is a ninja. Even so, ninja customers are horrible."
"Kenta, Yukari?" Hazō asked. "Could you tell us more about that?"
The two civilians exchanged nervous looks and then looked to their daughter for support. Only when they got her nod did Kenta face Hazō, square his shoulders, and reply.
"Yukari does not go in the front of the store when there are male ninja in the shop. They know full well that they can be handsy with 'softfoot' women without any consequence. They are arrogant, and rude, and frequently violent."
"I thought that wasn't allowed?" Hazō said, frowning. "We got a big speech from Jiraiya about how violence against civilians wasn't allowed."
Yukari snorted. "My brother Sora accidentally got in the way of an Akimichi ninja two days ago. He didn't actually bump him, just obstructed his path for a moment. The man was in a foul mood, so instead of stepping aside he stiff-armed Sora out of the way. Slammed him into a wall so hard he cracked a rib. He's bruised from shoulder to hip and he can't raise his left arm without pain."
"That sounds like chakra-boosted strength," Noburi said carefully. "You're saying that an Akimichi ninja took a positive action to injure a civilian via chakra use. Not just that he pushed him aside forcefully, which he shouldn't have done in the first place, but actively chose to use chakra in the act."
"It...might not have been a positive action," Hazō said. "At least, not in the eyes of the law. It's easy to use chakra boost by reflex if you're angry or upset. It wouldn't have actually been a conscious choice." He raised both hands placatingly. "I'm not condoning it, I'm saying what I think the legal reply would be." He shrugged, letting his hands drop. "Besides, most of the Akimichi are unusually big and unusually strong. Sora apparently did not suffer crippling injuries, or even a broken bone, so who's to say if it was actually chakra boost?"
Yukari's lips tightened but no other trace of expression showed on her face.
"Yukari, I'm not condoning it," Hazō said firmly. "Jiraiya gave us all a briefing on the ninja/civilian laws and then had us review some of it in more detail on our own. I'm not an advocate, but I think that it was a crime and he should be punished. I also think that if it went to a tribunal then it would be difficult to prove either malicious intent or use of ninja abilities. There might be some official censure, but no actual conviction."
"Of course," Kenta said bitterly. "There are never charges, much less convictions, unless someone actually dies."
"Ah," Hazō said faintly. "I'm going to abandon all traces of hope and suspect that you are being literal."
"Civilians do not place charges unless there is a crippling injury or a death," Yukari said firmly. "Even if you win the suit—in front of a tribunal that are all ninja or Merchant Council thugs in bed with the ninja—the most you'll get is some monetary compensation, with the punishment of the ninja being the primary outcome so far as the law is concerned." He snorted. "What good does that do a son whose father is now dead because a ninja burned him to death with a jutsu?"
"Was that actually a thing?" Noburi asked, sounding sick.
"Yes," Akane said. "Hokage vs Minami Hashirama is taught at the Academy, in the Civilian Interaction part of the UCLJ class. Minami brought a family ring to a jeweler, Sasaki Shinja, to have the stone reset. Sasaki's store was robbed two nights later, and the ring was among the things stolen. Sasaki fled the city on that same night. Minami tracked him down in Tanzaku Gai, where he was attempting to hire an escort to River. Minami accused Sasaki of faking the robbery in order to steal his ring. There was an argument and Minami used a fire jutsu on Sasaki in an effort to make him talk. Minami must have been careless because the building caught fire and Sasaki was killed. None of the stolen property was ever recovered."
"That's horrible," Hazō said faintly.
"Did you notice the part where it's 'Hokage vs Minami Hashirama'?" Mari asked pointedly. "Yes, the Hokage is the ultimate authority in judicial matters and his title is on every case, but Sasaki's name didn't even appear. Also note that Sasaki was a very successful and well-to-do jeweler in his late forties, without much motivation to rob his own store. Akane, I'll bet a hundred ryō that the case you studied never suggested that he might have been fleeing not because he was guilty but because he was afraid."
"It did not."
"They're all afraid of us," Kagome-sensei said, as though it were obvious. "How have you not noticed this? When I'm walking Honoka home from school, no civilian comes within five feet of us."
"So, there's my secret weapon," Mari said grimly. "Respect for civilians. And, of course, it's perfectly understandable why the Gōketsu would have that, since it's well known that our matriarch is a mudfoot, that the clan adopts clanless ninja and civilians, and that the Clan Head made a crazy speech at the Chūnin Exams about how civilians are people and just as valuable as ninja and we should use ninja magic to help them. Then I show them some of that ninja magic that would be absolutely perfect for their business and make clear that I am embarrassed about not being allowed to sell it to them. Finally, I show that it's easy to work around the rules—I'm not supposed to give a civilian a storage seal, but I can put our heavy armoire in one and sell the seal to the furniture repairman for a single ryō and tell her 'oh, just tear it open when you get home and the armoire will pop out. Can I pick it up on Tuesday?'"
Questions collided in Hazō's brain, all clamoring that they should be the highest priority, and left him unable to articulate any of them. He sat dumbly, one finger upraised, with everyone watching him expectantly.
"I don't even know where to start," he said at last, lowering his finger. "In no particular order: You realize that storage seals don't reliably dispense their contents when destroyed? How is it well known that you're civilian-born? Don't call yourself a mudfoot. I don't like that word. Is this tactic actually working? How does it render the office of the Hokage irrelevant? Won't there be fallout? Why is it impossible for the Gōketsu to win the hat in the next—" He stopped, shaking his head. "Never mind, I can figure that one out. What about the rest of it?"
Mari smiled approvingly at his last words. "Yes, I know that storage seals aren't reliable on destruction. They are reliable enough so long as there's nothing obstructing the ejection point, and when they do fail they just eat their contents."
"No," Kagome said. "Not always. Almost always, if the seal is destroyed and the ejection point is obstructed then the contents simply vanish. Very occasionally, something bad happens."
Mari went pale. "Ah. I did not know that."
Kagome shrugged. "Well, now you do," he said, poking at the bowl of stewed artichoke hearts that he'd salvaged from the post-dinner destruction. (They'd been popular, since he'd been very careful about draining the blood after the last time.)
"When you say 'bad'...?"
He shrugged again, not looking up from where he was poking his food. "I've never heard of it being any of the more esoteric failures. Generally just the usual. Blood, death, screaming, that kind of thing."
"Ah." She paused. "I shall remember that in future."
"Ohhhhkay then," Noburi said. "So, to summarize: Mari, you did not accidentally the city and you're going to continue not doing that. You're not running for the hat and are confident none of our clan will have a shot for decades. Instead, you're trying to take over the Leaf economy, not by getting rid of the Merchant Council but by getting us exemptions from all their rules. Your theory is that once we either own everything or are invested in it, you can use that like a club against the Hokage and the other clans."
"Not me," Mari said. "Hazō. He's the Clan Head in name and fact right now, and Naruto has made clear that even after he officially takes the job and becomes Head in name, Hazō is still going to be Head in fact."
"I had wondered why Naruto wasn't eating with us," Akane said. "You didn't want him to know about this, did you?"
"No, not at all," Mari said, seeming hurt. "I would never conceal information from someone who is going to at some point in the future actually be in charge of the clan, after he gets around to joining. It just happens that he is absent on the night that Hazō, in his capacity as Clan Head, ordered me to report on my actions." She took a demure sip of tea and then replaced the cup disturbingly close to the edge of the sidetable. "A fortuitous coincidence, since I'm sure he would find all this talk of economics very boring."
"Ah."
"In fairness," Mari said, almost as an afterthought, "I was unclear earlier. Naruto has an excellent chance of becoming Hokage in the future, but not in this election. Both of the plausible candidates, Hyūga and Asuma, are relatively young, so Naruto is unlikely to wear the hat at any point before the next generation of Gōketsu are born."
"'Asuma'?" Akane asked. "You're on first names?"
"Of course," Mari said, smiling. "His girlfriend and I have been friends for months—don't you recall me calling her 'Kurenai' when you and her team sparred? Naturally, she and Asuma and I have gone for tea often enough that Asuma and I have become friends in our own right."
The rest of the table digested that.
"So we're backing Sarutobi for the hat," Hazō said. "That's good. We got on reasonably well when he and his team were escorting us—"
Noburi grinned. "You mean when you attacked him in the library?"
"—reasonably well when they were escorting us, and the fact that he's so closely allied with ISC gives us a good foundation."
"Indeed," Mari said. "Obviously, we can't stand to have Hyūga get the hat. Unfortunately, the only other viable candidates are Asuma or Akimichi Chōza, and neither of them actually want the job. I've convinced Asuma that he needs to stand up; he'll do it, but he's not thrilled at the idea."
"A reluctant Hokage," Hazō mused. "Interesting. And he will have gotten the job due to the machinations of the Gōketsu, who are close allies of his students and whose matriarch is a personal friend. And, of course, if any civilian were to bring a complaint to the Merchant Council about us competing with them economically, he or his hand-picked representative would be on the investigating committee and the subsequent tribunal."
Mari smiled. "A fortuitous confluence of events, wouldn't you say? Although, if anyone brings a complaint to the Council then we're doing it wrong. The goal is to make things better for everyone, not just us. Both because it's the right thing to do and because it will result in us being respected and loved. Respect, love, and having made society richer means safety and power for us."
Kenta and Yukari exchanged looks; a lifetime of marriage allowed for what was clearly deep communication, but was utterly opaque to Hazō.
"Uplift is kinda our thing," Noburi said, smiling at the two newest clan members. "We've been working towards it for a long time, doing what good we can, and if the Merchant Council will just get out of our way we can help a lot of people."
Kenta licked his lips nervously before clearly forcing himself to speak. "If you start using ninja magic for commerce, won't that be...bad? Everyone knows that civilians can't compete. If it weren't for the Merchant Council, we would all be out of work and scrabbling in the dirt for food."
Hazō shrugged. "Well, let's run it down. Akane and Noburi were paid to help a lumberjack crew do in three hours what it would normally have taken them all day to accomplish. The mill owner has more supply at lower cost, meaning that he can sell wood for a lower price. That's good for everyone except the other sawmill owners near Leaf. How many such sawmill owners are there? Dozens." (He carefully did not acknowledge Mari's subtle flicking of fingers as she did her job by making the Clan Head look knowledgeable.) "They're all free to hire us for similar missions, and we're happy to help them the same as we did this time."
"But there aren't enough of you—" Yukari began.
"Us," Noburi interrupted, smiling. "You're Gōketsu too."
She ducked her head in thanks. "There aren't enough of us to do all those missions. Most of the mill owners will not be able to hire us, and no other ninja would do it. The clans because they can't be bothered to sully themselves, the clanless because they don't want to risk a complaint to the Merchant Council."
Mari shrugged. "The Merchant Council only cares about what impacts Leaf. So long as the mill owners in question sell their surplus outside of Leaf, it's not an issue. And they'll be motivated to do so because otherwise the supply of ninja assistance would dry up." She held up a hand to cut off Yukari's next objection. "Yes, someone may eventually make a spurious claim in order to cause trouble for one of their competitors. At which point the mill owner in question will produce extensive documentation that his prices inside Leaf have remained the same or lower and that he has had no drop in sales within Leaf, making all his profit outside of Leaf—probably in the outlying villages, which don't have Merchant Councils to get in the way."
"Aren't you afraid for your—for our reputation?" Kenta asked. "Ninja are warriors. They shouldn't sully themselves with manual labor, and it would be dangerous for them to do so; time spent cutting logs is time not spent training, meaning they're more likely to die on their next mission."
Mari laughed. "Our reputation? I'm a slut and all of us except you two and Akane are missing-nin traitors born in Leaf's greatest enemy. My son, our Clan Head, is a hopeless romantic and idealist with no understanding of how the world works. No offense, Hazō."
"Some taken."
She shrugged unapologetically. "It's how some people see you, and the narrative can be twisted to support it. I expect it will go away once we are insanely wealthy...enough gold hides the scent of the worst muck. And it won't hurt that we got there by helping the civilian population."
"But what about the ninja clans?" Yukari asked. "They'll all hate you."
"Eh. Some of them already do. The ones that actually matter won't—the Nara will admire us for 'breaking the standing paradigm in an unusual and highly adaptive way', or however they put it. The Akimichi and Yamanaka will follow their lead, and most of the minor clans will be excited about the idea of new opportunities that let them break out of the grip of the more powerful clans. On top of that, we're making it clear that we are a welcoming clan, open to working with, or even adopting, civilians and clanless ninja alike. We are a clan of mutts and ragamuffins; more and more clanless will join us over the years, until we are the largest, richest, and most powerful ragamuffins out there." Her smile became creepy. "We aren't a quiet group and no one is going to be neutral in their feelings about us. I'm okay if some of the clans hate us, as long as they fear us."
"...And on that highly disturbing note," Hazō said after a moment, "let's go back to the election. We're supporting Sarutobi for the hat. Mari, what's the breakdown of votes?"
"Not good, could be worse, relatively unchanged since our last talk. My guess is that there's only going to be two candidates: Hyūga and Asuma. Hyūga has been building towards this moment for decades; he's got influence over nearly everyone in some degree or other, as well as power and wealth. On the other hand, Asuma is the son of the Third, who was ridiculously popular and even outright revered. Unfortunately, he's young for the slot and considered not as strong in combat as Hyūga is, which will count against him."
"Yes, because being the best puncher is definitely the right criteria for ruling a nation," Hazō grumbled. "Seriously, would it kill anyone to choose based on leadership and political qualifications?"
"It literally might," Mari replied. "Remember how Jiraiya took the hat?"
"Hrm."
"Anyway, I expect the breakdown to go like this: Hyūga gets himself, Kyoshō, Inuzuka, Kurusu, Motoyoshi, Amori, Hagoromo, Aburame, and Uchiha. That's nine out of seventeen, which gives him the hat. Asuma gets himself, Minami, us, Nara, Akimichi, Yamanaka, Uzumaki, and Senju, total of eight. That's assuming that Tsunade votes at all; she's been making noises about getting the hell out of town and 'back to work'. If she does vote, she'll almost certainly vote for Asuma, just because Hyūga pisses her off. On the other hand, I'm worried that Hyūga is going to try to convince her he would be a better choice."
Hazō snorted. "Yeah, that'll happen."
"Don't be so sure. Hyūga getting elected would be terrible for us but it wouldn't be bad for Leaf."
Noburi gaped. "You can't be serious."
Mari shook her head. "Nope. Asuma getting elected would be better, but Hyūga getting elected wouldn't be bad. He's a powerful ninja, a savvy businessman, and he's got a strong sense of noblesse oblige that would make him work hard for the benefit of Leaf, and for Fire in general. Also, he's a little self-important, and would love to be remembered as the greatest Hokage ever. He can unite the other clans behind himself through a combination of charisma—which, let's be honest, he has in spades—and economic pressure. He would be isolationist, keeping Fire out of international politics as much as possible, which can be presented as a good way to stay out of wars. Absence of war would make Tsunade very happy, and if he threw in generous funding for her medical work, she might go for it...or at least abstain, which is nearly as bad from our perspective.
"On the other hand, Asuma would be more interactive. He's probably the most likely person to get behind the 'Uplift' concept and push, recognizing it as an investment that will pay off later. He would establish closer relations with the other nations and work to actively prevent war as opposed to merely failing to incite it. He would have a harder time uniting the clans—he's personable, but not as commanding as Hyūga, and his lacks the sheer power and presence that his father had. Leaf under him would be more fractious, different groups bumping heads. More opportunities for things to get better, but also for them to get worse.
"Anyway, we're currently looking at nine to eight. Hyūga isn't going to sit on his laurels; he's going to try to swing as many of our block as possible, or at least exclude them. He'll attempt to convince Tsunade; it's unlikely, but possible. If it doesn't work then he may try to have the vote stripped from Tsunade and Naruto, contending that the Senju and Uzumaki are dead clans since they each contain only a single member who could be argued as incapable of having kids. It's a tough sell, but might be possible. My expectation is that it would be crushed and the person who called for the vote humiliated, but that just means he'll have one of his bootlicker clans do it instead of calling for it himself."
"Let's assume he doesn't manage to pull that off," Hazō said. "We're losing eight to nine. How do we fix that?"
"The Hagoromo are only voting Hyūga because he owns them," Mari said. "If we can buy out their debts, or even just make them a big enough loan on favorable terms, then we could probably turn them. We have enough to do it, but it would drive a hole the size of the Hyūga ego through our bank account. We'd need to be able to make a lot of money very quickly—like, we'd need to be making roughly double our maintenance costs within two or three months."
"I have some ideas on that, actually," Hazō said. "What are the laws about land ownership? If we can clear it, can we have it? Between explosives, Force Wall saws, and storage seals for clearing stuff away, we can cut a lot of trees very quickly. Keiko's pangolins would let us track any varmints in the area, and Noburi would have no problem killing them. I'm pretty sure we could turn a lot of virgin forest into workable farmland within a couple weeks."
Everyone paused.
"I don't know," Mari said slowly. "Interesting idea, but I just don't know how the land ownership goes. I would presume that someone, probably either the Daimyo or the Hokage, owns all the land that hasn't been granted to someone else. At the absolute worst, we could get a lot of mission pay for clearing the land."
Hazō grimaced sourly. "Figures. All right, well, there's some other options. When we were in Hot Springs, ice was really valuable."
"Not so much in the middle of winter," Noburi pointed out. "Not sure if you've noticed, but the backyard is covered in the stuff."
"Sure," Hazō said. "Which makes it easy. We fill a few hundred storage seals with ice and make contracts with Hot Springs resort owners to ensure they have a steady supply all summer. If demand outstrips the amount we have saved up...Akane, we previously talked about you using your Elemental Mastery jutsu to make ice. Are you still willing?"
"Of course," she smiled. "If I can help the clan then it would be most unyouthful not to."
"Cool," Hazō said, smiling just a little to show that the pun was entirely deliberate. "Land. Ice. Also, salt."
Mari frowned. "Salt? The stuff is...what, three hundred ryō to the pound? It would take a lot of salt to support us. How are you going to beat the local prices without violating the Merchant Council rules?"
"We can make tons of the stuff easily," Hazō said blithely. "Salt is just seawater that's been exposed to air for long enough to dry out. We can go down to the coast and use Multiple Earth Wall to make catchments. Then Akane uses Elemental Mastery to raise the temperature enough to boil off the water so we can harvest the salt."
"I told you Hazō would find a way to make that jutsu useful," Akane said smugly, looking at Mari.
Mari shook her head ruefully. "In my defense, I was talking about combat applications at the time. This is an economic application."
"Actually...I had a thought about that," Hazō began. "If you cool things enough—
"No sidetracking, Mr Mew!" Noburi said. "We're already off track; we started with politics and now we're talking about money. And loading all of that salt sounds time-intensive. Is it really the most profitable use of our time? Sure, we could hire civilians to do it, but one of us would still need to stay to protect them. And we'd need to explain where the salt was coming from to the Merchant Council, or sell outside the city to places too small to have a Merchant Council. Which means places that don't have a lot of hard cash to pay with, so actually selling it will be time consuming and low-throughput. Unless we sell outside of Fire entirely, in which case our 'treasonous missing-nin' history makes us look pretty bad."
"Keiko? When did you get here?" Hazō demanded. "And why are you wearing Noburi's clothes?"
"Har de har har, Mr. Mew. Also, you mispronounced 'you are entirely correct Noburi, and I'm so glad you're here to save my doofy ass from being a doofus.'"
"Back on topic," Mari said, interrupting before things could escalate. "Okay, there are some ideas on where we make money. That's good. That means I can start talking to the Hagoromo about buying their loan. If we flip them and don't lose anyone else and Tsunade and Naruto are both allowed to vote, and Tsunade doesn't abstain or go for the Hyūga, we win. If we can't flip the Hagoromo but we can convince them to abstain then it's eight to eight and we go to the tiebreaker."
"What's the tiebreaker?" Noburi asked.
Mari shrugged. "I'm not sure there actually is one. There have only been four elections for Hokage, ever, so the rules around it are a little thin. I certainly haven't been able to find anything definitive. It might actually be trial by combat, presumably non-lethal. We need to prevent that, because Hyūga will win."
"Really?" Kagome asked. "I thought Sarutobi was the Monkey Summoner and a badass and all that?"
"He's young," Mari said. "Very skilled for his age, but not an unsurpassed prodigy the way his father and Jiraiya were. Hyūga, on the other hand, has the strongest Byakugan in the world, so it's impossible to sneak up on him, hide from him, or have any physical objects on your person that he's not aware of. He's also probably the world's greatest practicioner of the Gentle Fist style, and non-lethal combat always favors the Gentle-Fist user. Asuma is a melee combatant who typically fights with trench knives, which don't lend themselves to non-lethal combat. He'll be unable to use his primary skills while Hyūga will be fighting exactly in his sweet spot."
"But...monkeys!"
"I'm sure he'll use them, but I'm not sure what they'll have to offer that could make up for his disadvantages. There might be something, there might not."
"Forget tiebreakers," Hazō said. "I want a straight-out win. What about the Uchiha? If they flip and the Motoyoshi flip then we win. What's the word on the adoptions?"
She raised her hands helplessly. "Talks are still ongoing? It's generally positive; they're on board with the idea in principle, but we're still hammering out numbers and details. I should have more by tomorrow or the next day, depending on how long they keep me hanging."
"Good to know. What about the rest of them? I was thinking of going to visit Ino, Lord Akimichi, and the Sarutobi, Aburame, and Minami. Sympathize about their losses, that kind of thing."
Mari pondered that. "That's...not an entirely terrible idea. Let's work together after this meeting on what you should say and how to act."
Hazō nodded gratefully. "I was going to ask for that. Thanks."
"It's my job," she said, smiling. "After all, I'm your best agent, right?"
"And also my friend, teacher, and clan matriarch," Hazō said, carefully dipping a toe into the ocean of worries he held about Mari thinking that he only valued her as an agent. This wasn't the time to dive all the way in; they needed to be focused on clan business right now, and he could talk to her in private later. "Anyway, summing things up again: Allocation of votes hasn't changed since last we spoke, which means the Hyūga haven't flipped anyone that we know about. Talks are underway with the Uchiha to hopefully flip them. We can afford to buy out the Hagoromo debts although we're going to need to scramble for the mortgage afterwards. Akane has agreed to help with ice—and with salt?" He glanced over and was relieved at the nod. "Thanks. Okay, with ice and salt. We also need to find out how we go about getting land. Maybe we can just buy a chunk of wilderness and then clear it?"
"How exactly are you planning to make money on that?" Noburi asked. "We'd need to actually sell it to someone. Clearing a big chunk of land, preparing it, and then selling it is not a short-term thing. For that matter, ice isn't a short-term thing either. I'm sure we can find a contract for it, but no one is going to pay much up front for a contract they won't start to take delivery on for half a year."
"Haven't figured that out yet," Hazō admitted. "I wanted to bounce the idea off of you guys before I spent too much time on it. Anyway, that brings us around to the most important money-making plan: Kenta and Yukari, you've already got a successful business. What do you need in order to grow it?"
The couple both sat up straight, their previously-clasped hands springing apart like guilty teenagers.
"Right," Kenta said. "We're shopping around for a new and larger storefront. I'd like to hire some more people, and maybe a couple of barkers to spread the word about our new location."
"That's a good start," Mari said, nodding. "If you're interested, after you're established in the new location we could look into other opportunities. You mostly do skilled work as a craftsman, yes? Contract work to put in the decorative wood paneling in a house, things like that?"
"Yes," Kenta nodded. "That, and wooden statuary. Most of my work, anyway."
"How would you feel about going into construction? You've worked with plenty of carpenters, masons, and whatnot who build the houses that you render elegant. Why not hire the best ones and start your own construction company? We can fund it. If Hazō goes forward with this 'clearing land' plan, then it's going to generate a lot more revenue if there are already houses and wells on it."
Kenta's eyebrows went up. "That...would be very interesting. Thank you."
"Great," Hazō said, smiling. "Okay, there's just one more thing I wanted to talk about. Or, rather, one more person."
Noburi frowned in confusion for a moment and then his eyes went wide. "Please don't say it, please don't say it..." he mumbled.
"Mori Ami."
"Noooo!"
XP AWARD: 6
Author's Note: This was a 4-XP plan; the update only covered 3-4 hours even with the timeskipped dinner, but I'm giving you 2 XP on the plan, +1 bonus XP for having relatively high voting engagement, +1 bonus XP to @faflec for finding a reference I needed, and +2 mystery bonus XP because I'm a wonderful person who is absolutely on your side and you should totally remember that fact. (EDIT: Originally, there was a prank at the bottom of this post. It has been removed, but I'm letting you keep the two XP because I am, as previously stated, so wonderful and nice.)
It is now about 10pm.
Vote time! What to do now?
Voting ends on Wednesday, June 19, 2019, at 12pm London time.
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