- Location
- Kiev, Ukraine
Will they have enough oxygen at 5km to breathe? They definitely don't have oxygen masks
Marked for Death: A Rational Naruto Quest
- Thread starter eaglejarl
- Start date
-
- Tags
- naruto rational rationalist romance armageddon is looking better and better damn you kishimoto explosions everywhere explosives solve everyone if in doubt surrender to the mercy of zabuza it seemed like a good idea at the time looks like a really bad case of being a jōnin my god. where does the lore end? precommitting is the winning plan screaming in kagome screw the rules i have explosives something bad might still happen sometimes you gotta sociopath stabby zabby subsection c of paragraph 9 should include we can weaponize this so hard
Will they have enough oxygen at 5km to breathe? They definitely don't have oxygen masks
- Location
- USA
It's not til closer to 7+ kilometers that you those kind of issues (really 8ish). Maybe some altitude sickness without any adjustment period if you stay up there for more than a few hours (at 3.5 km+), but 5km definitely doesn't irrevocably need oxygen supplementation.
- Location
- Somewhere over the rainbow
Direct quote, but it may be worth trying to increase detection range anyway, because any technique that the landlubbers can use, the skywalker-equipped attackers can use too.
- Location
- USA
- Pronouns
- He/Him
You can absolutely ask. ;>
- Location
- Pacific standard
Sassy bird lmao
- Location
- Yes.
You're supposed to say "Yes", c'mon eaglejarl
- Location
- USA
- Pronouns
- He/Him
Yes, but then I could be accused of stealing your schtick. ;>You're supposed to say "Yes", c'mon eaglejarl
Cariyaga
Handsome Gentleperson
- Location
- United States
- Location
- Why would this be required?
- Location
- Pacific standard
Was the update going to be today? (I haven't had a day off in 2 weeks so my sense of time may be off a bit)
- Location
- Yes.
TaliesinSkye
Occasional Editor
- Location
- Northeast Ohio, United States
Welcome to the head of the thread! I hope you enjoyed the trip. Welcome to our cozy little community of WMD-inventing lunatics.
I feel like grinding flour has been mentioned before at some point as an idea for macerators, but we haven't exploited it yet. I agree that we really should. Mills were historically really profitable businesses in the medieval period, and we can do the same thing faster and without the infrastructure costs.
Here's my proposal:
At harvest time we make a tour of all the villages in Fire Country with plenty of macerators set to extra fine, and offer to grind up all the flour (wheat/barley/rice/whatever) that they want for less than a mill would charge and without them having to carry all their product to the mill and back. Genin can travel and use seals just fine so we can hire a bunch of them cheaply to get it done. (I'm assuming there are too many villages to do it ourselves.) We could even suggest to the genin that they can help people and make some extra money on the side by taking care of whatever problems the villages might have with chakra monsters or whatever while they're there, which means it could become a coveted plum assignment. Then when the genin get back they can report anything they notice that we might want to know, like missing or dead villages or unusually high chakra monster or bandit activity, or anything else that we might want to follow up on. They could also keep an eye out for good candidates for any other business ideas we might have, like places that need walls and roads.
In short, with one business we will make a tidy profit, we will make friends with genin who will appreciate our giving them the profitable work and be willing to do us favors in return for more, we will gather useful information about all of Fire Country and perhaps find out about any scorch squad activity if they exist, and we will help a whole lot of people by making them safer and a bit wealthier.
And if I understand merchant council rules right, this is fine because they only care about what we do inside Leaf, not in the rest of Fire Country.
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- Location
- The Maple Syrup Mountains
We really should check about that Merchant Council loophole. I'd hate to build up a bunch of plans about setting up chakratech industry in Tanzaku Gai only to find out that if we do we'll spark an embargo and so we have to hastily close down or refactor our plans.
In fact, I think I'll write up a 'research Merchant Council' plan subsection assuming generic conditions (In Leaf, have free time, relatively un-panicked, etc.) and store it for later:
In fact, I think I'll write up a 'research Merchant Council' plan subsection assuming generic conditions (In Leaf, have free time, relatively un-panicked, etc.) and store it for later:
- Research the Merchant Council
- Intentions: learn the breadth of their jurisdiction and what they do and don't care about specifically.
- In particular, what do they think about ninja-augmented industry outside of Konoha, and is it within their purview?
- Read any official legal documents pertaining to the Merchant Council.
- Read books that breach the topic of or are about the Merchant Council.
- Maybe books on economics or history?
- Disguise as a civilian and strike up conversations with craftsmen. Try to get a diverse set of viewpoints.
- Intentions: learn the breadth of their jurisdiction and what they do and don't care about specifically.
TaliesinSkye
Occasional Editor
- Location
- Northeast Ohio, United States
If it would be a merchant council issue, I wonder if it would be viable for us to pursue business dealings in any other countries? The ones without ninja villages come to mind as the least problematic, but I wonder if it might be possible to do something like hire allied village genin to do our business stuff in their own countries and have it be above board.
- Location
- The Maple Syrup Mountains
The idea of building industry in Mountain- er, Isan, instead of Leaf has come up before, and it sounds like a pretty solid backup plan. We've got personal connections to the village and influence within it, and it's going to be pretty solidly allied with Leaf, so we've got every reason to head out there every so often and the capacity to collaborate with the locals to put our plans into action and get rich.
It does, however, add more logistical burdens and more politics and our detractors might still rally against it under the idea that we're enriching other countries, so I feel like if we can manage to set up our business within Fire that'll be significantly superior to working through Isan.
TaliesinSkye
Occasional Editor
- Location
- Northeast Ohio, United States
Isan only has a few hundred people, doesn't it? What we want are ways of doing business with large numbers of people, one settlement isn't really enough.
- Location
- The Maple Syrup Mountains
Getting workers for our projects has been a somewhat secondary concern to being able to perform them in the first place without existing agents getting angry with us. I know that at least some of our projects can be structured for minimal actual labour if needbe and there's always the possibility that we can import willing laborers from the rest of Tea or that Isan will become an active part of trade routes and we can recruit from there.
To repeat, Isan is a backup plan with a lot more effort needed compared to setting up in Fire, but if we can't set up in Fire then I think we can make it work in Isan, and Isan is certainly a better option than, say, Mist.
TaliesinSkye
Occasional Editor
- Location
- Northeast Ohio, United States
It's not the getting workers thing I'm worried about, it's selling. We need to be able to trade on a large scale. Finding people willing to take money to do work isn't hard, I'm much more worried about people getting upset because we're offering goods and services. Unfortunately Isan doesn't solve that problem.
- Location
- The Void
- Pronouns
- She/Her
Merchant empire solves that. We have agents ready to sell goods for us
- Location
- Under a Rock
This problem exists on two scales. First, if we undercut the suppliers of a given good, they get mad. That gets the merchant council against us if we do it locally. It starts a war if we do it internationally.
The first scale is easy. We just give the profits or control of the industry to the current owners. Take only a tiny sliver for revolutionizing the whole thing. Anything past a year or two, and money is cheap for us.
The second scale is crazy hard. We need to revolutionize a half a dozen different markets without upsetting the bourgeoisie of five different nations. Some of the nations won't accept any deal we can offer. Some of our own people will refuse to offer the others even the slightest shred of help. But it gets worse. Even if we manage to fix things locally without turning over any foreign apple carts, our very success will be seen as a reason for the others to band together and destroy us.
There is a reason why basically everyone is trying for peace through strength.
I think the summon realm might offer a way out. They should offer a way for some villages to sign relatively binding peace accords. Form a seventh path council of all summon clans. They agree which scrolls belong to which villages. If a village displeases the council or violates the terms of a contract, they simply revoke access to all summons.
This could be boosted by summon scroll merchant empires, which make is really, really bad to get summon access revoked.
TaliesinSkye
Occasional Editor
- Location
- Northeast Ohio, United States
Not even close, unfortunately. Many or even all of our goods and services will not be mundane in nature, like going around with macerator seals to replace the need for mills. That sort of thing is obviously not regular commerce. Just having an intermediary doesn't fix many of the problems involved.
Even for end results that look mundane, like salt, the means we'll be getting it with won't be mundane at all. Those means will enable us to undercut everyone else and that will inevitably upset people, some of whom will be wealthy and possibly powerful. Selling through intermediaries won't make their ire go away or prevent us from drawing it forever. People will investigate what's going on and will find out, it's just a matter of time. Large scale commercial operations can't really be hidden because of the logistical ties that make them work.
As @Immortal Lurker makes clear, this is not an easy problem to ninja our way around with deceptions. Doing it above board would be best, but I don't yet know whether there might be a way of pulling that off for any of the polities we have as options.
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- Location
- Somewhere over the rainbow
We should do that, on top of also actually meeting the Merchant Council members.
Chapter 258: Sealsmith to the Gods
- Location
- USA
- Pronouns
- He/Him
Hazō watched the door close behind his Clan Head and Hokage, and then groaned and started laboriously pulling himself out of the tub, moving an inch at a time so as not to jostle his pounding head.
"Whoa there, Hazō, where do you think you're going? You're supposed to be soaking in the heat."
"We have to go after him, and I need to run some things by you guys first, and they're sensitive so we need to be under Air and Earth Domes."
"Excuse me? Bro, what we need to do is get packed."
"No, Hazō is correct. There are too many issues unresolved. We will need further details regarding, among other things, interclan politics."
Noburi hesitated, looking from his sister to the door and back. "Do we have to go after him now? I got the sense that he's going to be incredibly busy for the next few hours, and I don't want to be the bratty little kid tugging at the grownups' pantlegs. Do we need to know this stuff in the next ten minutes?"
"...Maybe not," Hazō admitted. "Still, it's important. And he's not stuck in yet, but he will be in a couple minutes. There's no way of knowing how long it will be before he can break loose, if he even can before leaving."
"If he's stuck in that long it's because he needs to be. How will you feel if we pull him aside for thirty minutes of political stuff and then he dies because he didn't do some necessary piece of prep in those thirty minutes?"
"Damnit, Nobby, that's not—"
"Send him a note," Cat said.
The team looked over at the bodyguard whose silence and motionless had made all three of them forget her presence.
"Yes," Keiko said, nodding. "Write down our questions, deliver them to him. He can mentally prepare his answers and find a time that is convenient for him to pass us the answers."
Hazō lowered himself back into the tub with a relieved groan. "Yes. That is a thing we should do. We still need the Domes though. Noburi, do you mind putting them up?"
"I am not confident that the floor of this room will sustain the weight of an Earth Dome without damage. If we wish to do this, we will need to go outside."
"Allow me," Cat said, standing up. She made three rapid handseals and beckoned towards the water of the tub. "Water and Lightning Element Technique: Secure Shroud! Step up onto the fog, please."
Half the water in the tub leapt up towards the ceiling, then spread out to form an egg-shaped bubble of light fog around the four ninja. The fog was confined to an area perhaps a foot thick with the interior space completely clear; it crept along the ground slowly, moving steadily inwards. Cat, Noburi, and Keiko were all quick to step up onto the surface, the younger two clearly surprised to find that mere mist provided a firm and springy surface capable of supporting their weight.
"No offense," Hazō said from inside the tub. "But that fog isn't particularly opaque."
"Wait for it," Cat said. Her cat-faced ANBU mask hid her face, but the smile was clearly audible in her voice.
Over the course of several seconds, sparks began to form in the mist. They grew larger and more numerous, floating through the cloud like tiny fireflies. Each one would wink out after a few seconds, but more were created just as quickly.
"Okay, still not—"
"Wait for it."
Ten or fifteen seconds later, two of the sparks happened to pass within a few inches of one another. Purple lightning zzted between them and each spark broke in two, moving away more rapidly than they had come together. More sparks were still forming, more interactions were taking place, and soon there were so many sparks that the inner volume of the fog was a constant field of lightning that completely obscured vision and gave off a popping susurration like a waterfall. The lightning did not enter the outer inch or so of the fog, instead giving it an iridescent sheen and casting a faint purple glow over the interior space.
"Completely blocks sight and most sensory jutsu, plus scrambles sound. If you shout you could probably make yourself heard, but normal voices won't be distinguishable."
"That," Hazō said, staring in fascination, "is cool. Two elements, huh?"
"Indeed. Also takes a good chunk of chakra. Still, it provides excellent privacy and a moderate amount of protection from attack. The water tends to disperse the energy of a blow and the lightning provides good defense against armor-piercing lightning techniques. It won't even slow down high-level jutsu or punch gods like Gai and Lady Tsunade, but against most things it's hard to pierce it in one shot, so at least we would have some warning. You should be safe to talk."
All three Gōketsu stared transfixed at the shimmering fog for several seconds before Keiko finally shook herself out of it.
"I believe we were making a list."
"Yesssss," Hazō said, sitting up in the tub with a disturbing fire in his eyes. And then immediately clutching his head as a spike of pain shot through it. "Yes, we were! What did we have so far?"
"Politics," Noburi said.
"Economics," Keiko said.
"Combat capacity," Hazō said.
"Resources," Keiko added, digging through her storage seals as she spoke. "Jiraiya is a repository of jutsu and seals that may be unavailable elsewhere. Does he have notebooks we could study? If so, where?" She pulled out writing supplies and sat down to record the conversation.
"The Toad Scroll," Hazō contributed. "His spy network. Lady Tsunade. Is she part of the strike force? If she isn't, or if she comes back and Jiraiya doesn't, how far can we trust her and in what scenarios? What is her stance likely to be towards us? Are there things we should or should not try to engage with her on? And, more immediately, what seals can I make for Jiraiya before he leaves?"
"Do...do you think I should go?" Noburi asked. "I've got medic training. I can't help in the fight, but I could go along and hang back so that I can medic the wounded afterwards. And I could provide chakra. Jiraiya could summon all his Toads, fill up from my barrel, and still be at full strength for the fight itself."
"Every Kage is combining their resources for this fight," Keiko pointed out, her tone gentle. "Every medic-nin in Mist is available, as is the entire Wakahisa clan. Your presence would add value, but only a marginal amount. And it could distract Jiraiya during the battle. Overall, I think it would be better for you to stay here."
"Yeah, I guess you're right," Noburi said, doing his best to hide relief.
Keiko didn't look up from her notes, but her lip twitched in something that was almost a smile. "Back on topic. Politics. We need advice on the other clans, specifically with whom we should ally and with whom we should take care. Economics. We need to know what income sources we currently have aside from the pangolins, what threats exist to those sources, and what new potentials he currently has underway and how we can further them. Combat capacity, which we have not yet discussed."
"That's the immediate concern," Hazō said decisively. "We're tiny, financially precarious, and our only member with experience at anything like politics is currently nonfunctional. We need to have enough combat capacity that we become desirable allies. And that no one can afford to ignore us when we talk."
"I do recall that being a relevant factor for our clan in the past," Keiko said drily.
"He's not going to have time to teach us any jutsu," Noburi said. "If he's got any seals on him that he doesn't need, he could give us samples so that Hazō and Kagome can learn them later. And if he can spare a few minutes he could draw examples of any really good ones that he doesn't have on him."
"The Toad Summoning Scroll. Noburi, we need to get that for you."
Noburi looked surprised. "Me? I figured you'd want it."
Hazō shrugged. "Sure, I'd love to have it. There would be a lot of egoboo in being the successor to the Toad Sage. On the other hand, my chakra reserves are small and yours are crazy huge. You'll be able to summon more and more powerful Toads than I could. We need to play to our strengths while shoring up our weaknesses."
"That is an excellent point," Keiko said thoughtfully. "Noburi, I should transfer the Pangolin Scroll to you. It would—"
"Seals will go a long way," Noburi said, raising his voice slightly and not even looking at his sister. "Hazō, you've got an insane backlog of things you wanted to research. We need to get you and Kagome the time to rip through them. Also, what would you think about bringing some more people into the clan, ones who could learn the basics of sealing? Explosives were the first thing you ever learned, so they're clearly relatively safe for junior sealsmiths. If you and Kagome weren't spending hours each day keeping us all stocked, you'd have a lot more time for research."
"Noburi, I would appreciate it if you would not ignore me. My point is inarguable: You should have the Pangolin scroll. You would make better use of it and—"
"Shut up, Keiko," Noburi said tiredly. "I'm not discussing this with you. We've got actual problems to deal with."
"But—"
"Keiko, stop," Hazō said sharply. "We don't have time for your self-hate right now. If it actually makes sense for you to give Noburi the scroll then it will still make sense tomorrow, and we can debate it then. Right now, we need to focus."
Keiko glared at each of them in turn. "Fine. We were discussing combat capacity."
"Right. Okay, getting more seals is probably the highest-value thing we can ask for per unit time. Noburi already pointed out that Jiraiya won't have time to teach us any jutsu, but maybe he can point us to some good teachers. What else?"
"Weapons?" Noburi asked dubiously. "I can't really think what he might have that would actually matter, but I figured someone should say it."
"Strategic expertise. Hazō is an excellent tactician and usually has good advice for training, but we lack any experience at larger-scale military planning."
Hazō digested that for a moment. "You're not wrong—"
Noburi laughed. "Way to be modest, bro."
"—You're not wrong that we lack experience with large-scale military planning and it's worth asking about if there's time. Still, if we're having to plan large-scale military engagements then we're doing something wrong."
"Fair. All right, the topic of offensive combat capacity is likely well covered by acquiring more seals and advice on teachers. On the defensive side, we could get a briefing on enemy capabilities so that we can start planning defenses."
"Kagome's got defenses pretty well covered," Noburi noted, "but yeah, knowing more would be useful. He can't defend against something he hasn't thought of."
"That is inaccurate. A defense intended to serve against one threat may well work against others, despite that second category not having been promoted to conscious awareness."
"Pedant."
"I have noticed that you consistently mispronounce the word 'correct'."
Noburi blew a raspberry at her, then turned serious again. "Speaking of Kagome and therefore seals, we should hand Jiraiya every seal we've got that could possibly be useful in this fight. Between the three of us, we've likely got enough explosive tags to outfit the entire attack force."
"Indeed. I shall include my skywalker seals in the package as well. He may or may not choose to dole them out, but he can make better use of them than can we."
"Hang on," Hazō said. "You've got skywalkers with you?"
"Of course. Are you implying that you don't?"
"But...we talked about this! We all agreed that we were going to leave them in Leaf because it wasn't worth taking even the slightest risk of breaching OPSEC."
"They are not on me, obviously. They remain safely ensconced in my tessera's training hall on the Seventh Path."
"Speaking of OPSEC risks," Noburi said, pointedly glancing towards the silent and motionless Cat.
"She has been briefed," Keiko said, offering the woman in question a respectful nod.
"Have you?" Hazō asked. "I don't mean to be rude, but...."
"It's a fair question," the woman said. "Yes, I have." She looked over at Keiko. "How did you know?"
"Here we go," Noburi muttered.
"Production of skywalkers is still bottlenecked by number of available sealsmiths who can make them, so it is not possible to supply more than a small group. The logical group is ANBU, or perhaps even just the subset of ANBU considered most loyal. You are expected to 'work the kinks out' of the tactical office's thinking, and later to serve as cadre for teaching the rest of Leaf ninja once the time is correct."
"Okay, but how do you know I'm in that 'most loyal' grou—"
"You are the second person to bear the nom du guerre 'Cat' in the last six months; your predecessor was killed shortly before Jiraiya became Hokage. This means that you were appointed to ANBU by Jiraiya. There were substantial losses at that time and he needed to refill the ANBU ranks quickly, but he was also in a delicate political position and could not afford the possibility of drama, spies, or hidden agendas. He has been Leaf's senior intelligence officer for decades, so he would have been familiar with the personnel jackets of most of Leaf's top ninja. He would have inducted those with excellent skills, but only if they were also above reproach."
Cat considered that. "ANBU requires a very particular set of skills and there aren't that many senior ninja, even before a wagonload of them got whacked. He might have had to make some compromises."
"In the unlikely event that he chose someone untrustworthy, you would still have been vetted by Nara Shikaku after your induction. It is wildly unlikely that you deceived both men."
"I could be a spy for Nara himself."
Keiko raised a contemptuous eyebrow. "Nara is not foolish enough to put his own advantage above that of Leaf in times such as those in which we currently live. First, because he is fully aware that Jiraiya could and would kill him on the spot if such a thing came to light. Second, because there is no clear advantage to doing so. Nara is the Jōnin Commander and the closest advisor to the Hokage; so long as he maintains Jiraiya's trust he will have all the information and access he could possibly want. Even if there were some potential advantage to compromising an ANBU agent, it would not outweigh the literally existential risk of causing Jiraiya to feel betrayed. In the counterfactual universe where Nara Shikaku would attempt something so catastrophically stupid, it would be with an Ino-Shika-Chō clan member, as those are the only people whose loyalty he could trust for such a thing. You are of the Sarutobi who, while not opposed to the Ino-Shika-Chō—"
"What makes you think I'm Sarutobi?" Cat demanded, tilting her head such that her ANBU mask caught the flickering light of the fog.
Keiko eyed her with the expression of displeased schoolmarms everywhere. "Please. Your name is Sarutobi Chiyoko and you are Sarutobi Asuma's second cousin. I have seen you unmasked no fewer than six times."
"Were my highly classified secret identity actually this...'Chiyoko', you said?...were that my actual secret identity, I would be curious to know how you connected a random ninja to a masked ANBU."
Hazō and Noburi exchanged amused glances.
Keiko began ticking points off on her fingers. "You are female, placing you in a minority of ninja overall. You are ANBU, meaning that your combat skills are special jōnin at an absolute minimum. You were selected by Jiraiya at a time when he was feeling excessively paranoid about traitors, so you definitely did not come from the Hyūga or several related clans. It was also unlikely that you came from the Ino-Shika-Chō since Jiraiya is desperate not to become too dependent on them. There are a limited number of female ninja with combat skills rated special jōnin or higher who do not come from one of those clans. The Sarutobi are the clan of Jiraiya's teacher and father figure; he would have a higher than usual instinctive degree of trust in a Sarutobi. Collect those facts together and combine them with your build, your mannerisms, your voice, your gait, your kenjutsu specialty, and the fact that I have freqently seen you dining at the tea shop across from Hokage Tower while holding a tabby cat in your lap with that exact sword on the table beside you, and the answer is obvious."
Cat considered her for a moment.
"Hm."
"You get used to it," Hazō said with a grin.
"Hm."
"Keiko," Noburi asked with an amused grin, "did you front-load all that stuff about skills and clan and such just to sound clever, even though the part about the sword was all you actually needed?"
"As I was saying, I agree that we should give Jiraiya all of our seals. Moving on—"
o-o-o-o
Dinner was done with dishes cleaned and put away by the time Jiraiya came home.
"Sage's browsweat, you kids went bonkers with the questions," Jiraiya called, chuckling his way through the door and waving the (only moderately!) mountainous stack of papers on which the team had written their questions. Hazō noted that he did take the time to check that the privacy seals were in place and active. "I've scribbled some answers and we can go over them after I get some food in me."
"Actually, sir, there was something I didn't put in the questions," Hazō said, setting aside the latest sheaf of explosives he'd been scribing. "I had some thoughts about the battle. They're probably obvious and you've probably thought of all of them but I'd like to offer them anyway, just in case."
"Additionally, we have dinner prepared," Keiko added, laying a plate of greens, fish, and grapes on the table and pouring cold water into the mug that stood ready.
"You are now my favorite child," Jiraiya said, dropping gratefully down at the table and starting to shovel in the food. "There was food at the meetings, but I kept forgetting to eat."
"Cookies?" Noburi asked, offering a plate of straight-from-the-oven piping-hot cookies that had been bought eight hours ago at a local bakery and kept in the timeless interior of a storage seal until just now.
"Ooooh!" Jiraiya said, snorfling three of them off the plate and juggling them from hand to hand so as not to burn himself. "Yum! You are now my favorite child."
"Hey!" Hazō said. "They told me that I was your favorite child!"
"Should have remembered the cookies," Noburi said with a grin.
"Pfah."
"Don't worry, kid. I was being humorous. In truth, I love you all precisely the same amount."
"Which is to say, not at all because you have known us only a few months?"
"Keiko!"
Jiraiya dropped the cookies and clutched his chest. "I am wounded! Stabbed to the depths of my soul by an unloving child!" He dropped the pretence and smiled at all of them. "'Love' is a weird and squishy word that everyone uses differently. I like you three as people. Your company is—usually!—a source of energy for me instead of a drain upon it. I respect your intelligence and your skills and I am confident that you will all end up as S-rank ninja with tales about you that are almost but not quite the equal of those told about me and my team who are, obviously, the best ninja there ever have been or ever will be. I trust you at least as much as I trust anyone else, and I will go pretty damn far to protect you. No, strike that. There are no words outside of the T&I handbook lovingly written by the hand of the very messed-up Morino Ibiki to describe the horrific fate that I would visit upon anyone attempting to harm any of you. I am looking forward to sharing, in the fullness of time and under appropriate OPSEC conditions, the entirety of my knowledge and life experience with you. Perhaps in the form of bedtime stories while you all cuddle adorably into the covers with eyes wide in excitement at my marvelous tales. And I feel all of these things in the precisely equal and appropriate degrees that will soothe away any ruffled feathers, prevent future jealousies, and not make me sound like a total wuss."
Team Uplift exchanged jaundiced glances.
"I too would like to make a statement of positive feelings in your direction that I will carefully mask with humor in order to not leave myself emotionally vulnerable."
"Hey, I thought it was sweet!"
"Yeah, but you're a suckup, bro."
"Oooh, you are just asking for it, Nobby!"
"Children!" Jiraiya said, patting the air in a 'calm down' gesture with the hand that was not busy shoving grapes into his mouth. "Hazō, let's hear these ideas for the attack group."
"Yes sir. Keep in mind, I'm assuming you and the other Kage have already thought of most of these and I'm offering them only for the sake of—"
"Yeah, yeah. Hop to it." The Toad Sage grinned and bent over his plate, shoveling the fish in as fast as his chopsticks could move.
"Okay," Hazō said, hauling three oilskin-wrapped packages up from under the table and stacking them beside Jiraiya. "Well, first: Here's every seal the three of us are carrying, plus I made a bunch more explosives. This should be enough to give everyone in the strike group at least a few of most of it. Some of it, like the Lesser Barrier Formation seals and the Five Seal Barriers, probably won't be useful but better for you to have it and not need it."
"Thanks," Jiraiya said, nodding appreciatively as he flipped one of the packages open and riffled through it. "I was actually going to ask you for some of these, so I appreciate you volunteering—oh, cool, you did have skywalkers!"
"I don't know what you're doing about revealing them to the other Kage, but—"
"The policy is full disclosure," Jiraiya said, not looking up from counting the skywalkers. "None of us are fucking around at this point. Oh, sure, we're all holding back one or two cards apiece, but there's been a remarkably open discussion of capabilities. With these skywalkers added to the ones I was carrying, I'll be able to outfit the entire force with at least one pair, plus a couple extra for the Kage. Thanks, kids. This will really help."
Keiko blushed.
"That's good news," Hazō said, suppressing the grin that kept trying to rise up. Serious grown-up chūnin did not grin in the middle of strategy sessions! "Next thing: I hate to sound greedy, but could you sign off on our chūnin promot—"
Jiraiya grinned as he conjured three scrolls from inside his haori and tossed one to each child. "Congratulations on your promotions, my children. You are officially chūnin of Leaf."
"Wicked," Noburi said, unrolling the scroll and feasting his eyes upon the vermillion ink and the gold-leaf stamp.
"Thank you, sir. Okay, tactical thoughts about the battle, and this is where the 'you have probably thought of it' stuff starts: Sonic damage is pretty rare and hard to counter, yes?
"Yep. I'll be fighting with Ma and Pa Toad on my shoulders. They do this sonic genjutsu that will absolutely fuck you up. There's a risk of friendly fire, though, so I'm handing out Banshee Slayers to everyone so that they aren't affected."
"Okay, well, we've got a bunch of Banshee Slayers in there but we've also got Earbusters and Banshee Fuckers. You should spread those around and let people go crazy with them."
"Good thought. And yes, I had thought of it, but I'm glad to see you did too." He gave Hazō an approving nod before going back to tearing into his fish. Keiko was already laying a second plate in front of him.
"We've also got a bunch of Kagome's seals here. Implosion bombs, directional explosives, and three clearing charges."
Jiraiya looked up in curiosity. "Clearing charges?"
Noburi, Keiko, and Hazō all pulled off the leather belts they wore and placed them on the table in front of Jiraiya. "Clearing charge," Hazō repeated. "It's a directional explosive seal in the form of a long strip, sandwiched between the two layers of the belt. You put your finger on this notch here in order to touch the seal so you can activate it. It goes off in a ten-degree cone about ten feet long, straight out from the surface of the belt. Make sure your arms, legs, and allies are out of the way. It's useful if you find yourself surrounded by enemies at melee range—trigger the belt, cut them all in half."
"They are also useful for cutting through bars or other obstacles," Keiko offered. "Merely loop the belt around the obstacle and activate. Although it is normal to trigger them instantaneously, they do have a timer that can be set for up to three seconds."
"Which means you could buckle the belt so that it's a loop, set the timer, and then throw it like this," Hazō said, miming the action. "Drop it among some enemies, boom, squish."
Jiraiya snorted. "Boom, squish indeed. Kagome is going to be sorry he missed this fight. Given the loadout you kids are handing over and the fact that Deidara will be on the field, there is going to be an absolutely monumental amount of explosives being thrown around."
Hazō chuckled. "You're not wrong, sir. Anyway, if there are more seals you'd like me to make before you go, let me know. Goo Bombs, maybe?"
Jiraiya nodded. "Yeah, those would be good. Thanks."
"Glad to help, sir." Hazō paused, chewing his lip nervously. "Sir...excuse me if this is presumptuous, but are you sure this isn't a trap?"
"Hm? How do you mean?" Jiraiya had moved on from the fish to the plate of cookies and was working his way through them with single-minded intensity. He did not look at Hazō as he spoke, but there was an undertone to his voice that sounded like a pleased and somewhat amused tutor leading a pupil. Hazō found it both flattering and frustrating.
"The primary piece of intel was from Team 'Bloodrage' who were, frankly, morons. If they were working for Akatsuki, why would they have been sent to the Exams? They had absolutely no subtlety. They could not have been more obviously bad guys without jumping up and down waving torches and yelling 'we are bad guys!' What if this is a trap by Akatsuki?"
"Consider the outcomes," Keiko said. "Mist is currently militarily weak, with no S-rank ninja available and a Kage who is only chūnin-level in terms of combat power. The four S-rank Kage, plus a major fraction of the Elemental Nations ninja power—in terms of skill, not numbers—will be going to an isolated location far from any support, where they expect to engage in battle with Akatsuki, a group of S-rank mercenaries. The Kage and their support will be prioritizing haste over caution. Finally, the location was chosen by the enemy, who has had weeks or even months to prepare. One of the enemy is an explosives master of such power that when Kagome discusses him, it is in tones disturbingly reminiscent of those used by Mari-sensei when reading the advertising copy for one of your so-called 'romance' novels."
Jiraiya grinned. "Well, it sounds bad when you say it like that...."
Keiko raised a 'I am not amused' eyebrow at him. "How then would you say it?"
Jiraiya sobered. "I would say that you've got a legitimate concern, but I think the odds are against it being nothing but a giant trap, and strongly against it being a ploy by That Woman to kill us all. If the four of us got killed there would be a war and that war would hit Mist. She's gotten good deals from the rest of us, so it's in her best interest to keep things on an even keel while she rebuilds Mist's power." He paused to take a swig of water. "As to the rest...well, I suppose it doesn't hurt to tell you now, at least some of it.
"Orochimaru is back in Leaf. After we realized that that board game was a message I spent the entire night tearing it apart and I eventually figured out where I was being invited to meet. I got in touch with him and he came in to Leaf. He's been living at one of our black sites since a few days after the games night."
Team Uplift gaped and Jiraiya chuckled.
"Yeah. Anyway, he was part of Akatsuki for a while there. They recruited him for his...specialized expertise, as part of a thing they were putting together. Oro agreed to help, but when he found out what they were working on he bailed. Based on what he was able to tell me I'm confident that they have not been able to prepare Nagi Island too much, that that is in fact where they will be, and that we don't have more than a couple of days to get there and stop them before things get really, really bad. I can't say more than that but trust me: Anything's possible, but I'm willing to bet my neck that our intel is substantively correct."
"Okay," Hazō said, not happy but recognizing that there was no point in pushing. "Well, just in case it's useful, here's a backup plan for you: Kagome told us that everyone in Akatsuki is a summoner—"
"Although some of the things he claim they summon were nonsense," Keiko grumbled. "Uchiha as the Crow Summoner, certainly. A shark summoner, absolutely. Hidan as the 'Death' Summoner? Kakuzu as the Elemental Summoner? Sasori as Golem Summoner? Ridiculous! There are no such things!" She crossed her arms over her chest and glowered.
"Anyway," Hazō said. "They're all summoners. Uchiha Itachi is the Crow summoner, so we'll use him as an example. Get a bunch of our summoners—you, Lady Tsunade, Orochimaru, anyone else you know of—together on the Seventh path and go to Crow territory. Force the Crow Boss to summon Uchiha right in the middle of your prepared ambush. Kill him, move on to the next territory and repeat."
"Not bad, kid," Jiraiya said, nodding approval.
Hazō smiled.
"Except for the fact that Boss Summons cannot drag their summoner to the Seventh Path, and a summoner can leave the Seventh Path at any time with only a second or two of warning."
The smile disappeared. "Wait, what? When she first made contact, Pantsā threatened Keiko saying that he could get to her even on the Human Path."
Jiraiya shrugged and snagged another cookie. "Dunno what to tell you. Maybe he just meant that he could get his allied clans to send their summoners after her."
"Oh." Hazō glowered at his utterly blameless and unresponsive teacup.
"Good thought, though."
"Feh."
"That is simultaneously a relief and a pity," Keiko said. "There is, however, one more way in which we could perhaps be of use. We have already seen that it is possible for the two of us to exchange physical objects on the Seventh Path, thereby moving them overland nigh-instantaneously. We could use this method to ship you barrels of Wakahisa chakra water."
"Hm," Jiraiya said, looking interested. "Interesting thought. Have you actually tried taking the water to the Seventh Path?"
"No," Keiko said. "I have a request in to Pantsā to ensure that there is not some reason I should not do so. He was strident enough against the use of my bloodline on the Seventh Path that I felt I should ensure using the Wakahisa bloodline would not be an issue. I expect to hear back from him soon."
"Well, we're already planning to bring a bunch of Wakahisa along with us, so in this particular case it's not essential and, frankly, I'd rather keep this one back as one of those ace-in-the-holes that I don't tell the other Kage about. Still, it would be a pretty cool trick going forward. Noburi, I don't need it for this battle, but if you would be willing to keep me supplied while I'm out and about from now on, that would be crazy awesome."
"Sure!" the stocky boy said, flashing his Clan Leader a thumbs-up.
"You kids really are a font of miracles, aren't you?" Jiraiya said, smiling in bemusement. "I am just the most terribly cleverest guy ever for deciding to adopt all of you."
"As I recall, there was a substantial amount of bribery involved," Keiko noted sardonically.
"Pshaw. Details, details. I still decided."
"Speaking of terrible segues," Hazō said quickly, "what's the story with Lady Tsunade? Will she be with the strike group? If she comes back and you...don't, can we trust her to advise us honestly?"
"Hey, have a little faith, kid. I am the Gallant Jiraiya, Hero of the Ages. Toad Sage, Master of the Bedroom Arts—"
"Blah blah blah, can we trust her or not?!"
Jiraiya laughed. "Yeah, you can. She'll give you the best advice she can, which isn't always the same as good advice. She won't actively harm you—at least, not by her definitions—unless she decides that you're working against Leaf. On the other hand, she's pretty much a force of nature. She's used to taking over a situation and getting her way. There's a reasonable chance that if she comes back and I don't then she'll decide to take over the clan 'for your own good'." He pulled a scroll out of his sleeve and extended it to Hazō, all joking put aside.
"This scroll is locked with a seal that she'll know how to open, and any attempt to open it without disarming the seal will destroy the whole thing and everything nearby. It's my last message to her and part of that message is my request that she support you in your role as Clan Head, but also that she let you be the Clan Head. That she give you the final say, even if she thinks you're making a mistake. I don't know if she'll respect it, but it's the best I can do."
Hazō blinked against eyes that were suddenly a bit misty and cleared his throat. "Thank you, sir."
The solemnity disappeared and the japester was back. "Ah, well, a guy's gotta look out for his kids, right? Besides, there's some other bits in there too—things I always wanted to say but didn't want to get clobbered for." He gave Noburi a bawdy wink filled with implications for what the 'things' might have been.
"I guess that pretty much leaves us with just one thing," Hazō said, standing up. Noburi and Keiko followed.
"What might that be?" Jiraiya asked, setting his chopsticks down and suddenly looking wary.
"I would like to give you this," Keiko said, placing a...thing on the table in front of Jiraiya.
The Toad Sage studied the thing carefully for long seconds, his mind very clearly shrieking in panic as it tried to comprehend the horror bestowed upon him.
"Keiko," Jiraiya asked calmly, "why is there a lime-green shuriken in front of me?"
"It is your last shuriken."
"I see." Pause. "Why is my name on it, along with an arrow that points to a purple-and-red blob that is probably intended to be my face with a stupid expression and lipstick?"
"The standard ninja idiom 'she has drawn her last shuriken' indicates that the individual in question is in a situation so desperate that there are no options remaining. This is your last shuriken, and it was made so deliberately hideous in order to ensure that you are unwilling to draw it in front of an enemy even if the universe is collapsing around you. You'll make your way safe and sound out of any pinch, because the alternative is to let your friends and enemies see you wielding that shuriken in battle."
Hazō and Noburi both looked askance at the slight shift in the pattern and tone of Keiko's speech. Hazō barely managed to restrain himself from making a joke about lupchanzen before the expression on Keiko's face shut him up. It was oddly vulnerable, and clearly not appropriate for humor. He glanced at Noburi to make sure their brother wouldn't spoil the moment, but Noburi was smiling and saying nothing.
"Thank you, Keiko," Jiraiya said softly, turning the shuriken over in his hands. He flicked his hand and the shuriken was gone...and then he turned the hand palm-up and drew the weapon back from within his left sleeve before tucking it away again. He looked up at his adoptive daughter. "I will be sure to keep it with me at all times."
Keiko nodded and stepped back.
Hazō waited a moment to let the mood settle, then stepped in close so he was looming over Jiraiya and could waggle a scolding finger at him. "Yeah, well, maybe she gives you presents, but that's not my style. We're your family now. We're looking forward to meeting Naruto and we'll adopt him and take care of him and make him Hokage and all that, but! We are not going to put up with you ducking out of being his teacher, and ours. There is a limit to being afraid of weddings and you owe us a truly epic victory party, so you damn well make it back to us!" He leaned forward and hugged the Hokage tight, being joined moments later by Noburi.
The older man looked surprised and slightly alarmed, but he smiled and hugged Hazō and Noburi back as best he could given his seated posture.
Keiko stood back, unable to join the hug. Jiraiya held her gaze and smiled reassuringly even as he patted her brothers, his sons, on the back where they clung around his neck.
XP AWARD: 1 (additionally, -1 for plan length)
It is now late at night and everyone is asleep. The strike forces from Leaf and Sand have both arrived and collapsed in a barracks. The plan is to leave in about six hours. Jiraiya is going to go fall into bed himself for now. He has left answers to most of your questions scribbled on the sheets that you sent to him. The contents of those answers have not been defined; we'll probably use them as an excuse going forward to say "Yes, Jiraiya said it was okay to do that" or "Jiraiya's notes say that..." etc.
Vote time! What to do now? Options include:
- Go with the flow. Unless @Velorien chooses to do something else, the next update will be you back in Leaf.
- Go talk to non-Leaf people—ninja, merchants, etc. Right now if it's essential, preferably tomorrow morning.
- Go talk to Leaf people. Again, either now or in the morning. Perhaps you want to talk them into taking a side trip on the way home, etc?
- Write in.
Voting ends on Wednesday, April 25, 2019, at 12pm London time.
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- Location
- USA
- Pronouns
- He/Him
Welcome! Nice to have you. How did you find out about us?
I like this plan and would enjoy writing the outcomes. Note one small technical problem: macerators store 'one object', which is a term that causes you to tear your hair out when experimenting, since it seems to be very fuzzy and not even always consistent. The 'object' must be touching the seal. A pile of grain sitting on the seal will probably count as a single object...unless the pile is too high, in which case it won't. Or if the moon is in the wrong quadrant, or, or, or...
Regardless, a bag or box generally counts as one 'object' so long as it fits the mass and volume restrictions, so you could put the grain in a container...but if you do then you're grinding the container up with the grain.