Advice and Trust [NGE]
Turing Decidable
𝕘𝕒𝕣𝕗
- Location
- Belgium
- Pronouns
- He/Him
The Invincible Shinji-sama.Tbh, while Asuka probably can do sarcasm, I think she sees little need to bother. Why bother being subtle if you can also simply raise your volume?
- Location
- Volksstaat Hessen, Deutsches Reich
Heh, point. Though, tbf, that was loud sarcasmThe Invincible Shinji-sama.
Comedy Omake #42 - Backstage #2 - Rei & Kaworu
- Location
- National Capital Region, USA
Asuka: ~hidden
~ "Dear baka, you do realize that was a self-demonstrating article, ja?"Shinji: "My answer still applies."
Update shortly.
In the meantime... Comedy omake, written right now!
Backstage #2 - Rei & Kaworu
Meanwhile, backstage:
+++++
Rei: "I hate it when the Director demands we 'Be Funny! Camera's running!'. Jerk."
Kaworu: "You're grumpy. Usually the end of the day's shooting means you're all happy and stuff. Then you grab me or Shinji or Asuka or a combination of us and drag us off to your trailer for 'rehearsals'. What's the matter?"
Rei: "That scene he just made us do, that's what! Fuck, that was depressing! I hate it when he makes me cry just from reading the script! God, I want a drink or something."
Gendo: ~walks by, puffing on a huge joint. Hands another one, already lit, to Rei~ "Relax, babe. You're too cute to get worry lines so young. Enjoy being 18, young, and surrounded by hot people!"
Rei: ~takes a deep hit~ "Oh, God, thank you, Gendo. I love you. You always have the most dank sticky icky."
Gendo: "I know, I'm the shit. Remember: 'Hard work good and hard work fine, but first take care of head'." ~sage nod~
Kaworu: "....that was Bob Marley. You just quoted Bob Marley at us like it was Zen."
Gendo: "At least it was in English?"
Kaworu: "Aren't we theoretically speaking Japanese?"
Gendo: "Fuck if I know, dude. I'm so baked it could be Esperanto for all I can tell." ~takes a drag on the joint~
Kaworu: "I have no idea how you manage to do all your scenes like that."
Gendo: "Why do you think I'm always wearing those sunglasses? My eyes are so red most of the time, I look like I'm about to start crying blood."
Rei: "Aww yeah, it's kickin' in... I feel more mellow already."
Aoba: "Miss Ayanami! Miss Ayanami! The Director needs you two back on set right away! He's got some more pages to shoot."
Rei: ~coughs out a lungful of Acapulco Gold~ ".....aw fuck. This is going to be a weird scene. I'm already feeling a buzz comin' on..."
Kaworu: "Damn it. The last time this happened, she kept giggling in the middle of when she was supposed to be mad at me, and 'booping' my nose instead of slapping me."
Gendo: "Aw, yeah, that one was awesome! Totally goin' in the blooper reel. Like the time I pantsed Fuyutsuki right before we shot the first battle scene in Central Dogma! Tighty-whities, who knew?"
Rei: "C'mon, Rainbow Trout. If I gotta shoot another scene while stoned, I'm gonna at least get some good snogging in."
Kaworu: "Rei, there's not supposed to be any making out in this scene. We just had a tense, emotionally draining conversation, remember?"
Rei: "Hey, bigshot Director calls us back in after he told us we were done for the day, he gets me in full 'I wanna snog' mode and takes his chances. 'Sides, are you complaining?"
Kaworu: "You know what? You're right." ~takes the joint from Rei, takes a big hit, and hands it back to Gendo~ "Alright!" ~cough, cough, cough~ "Let's do this shit!"
++++
Well, that got longer than I expected.
- Location
- Volksstaat Hessen, Deutsches Reich
The logic is undeniable. Also, you should totally slip in a passage with a Rei played by a stone actress
Turing Decidable
𝕘𝕒𝕣𝕗
- Location
- Belgium
- Pronouns
- He/Him
Fucking brilliant.
Dragxon
King of The Dragonhumans
- Location
- Realm of the Dracanthropes
See even the author ships OT4
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Always Late
Lacking in coffee, sleep, and brains
- Location
- Ohio
You're missing the front half of the quote code.
- Location
-
- Pronouns
- He/Him
Hilarious as ever, but Smoke Two Joints is by The Toyes, not Marley. He died before the song was written.
Dragxon
King of The Dragonhumans
- Location
- Realm of the Dracanthropes
You know what forget it I've tried fixing it twice this is too much effort to do from my phone.
- Location
- National Capital Region, USA
Nah, Rei's actress is just a woman of healthy appetites.See even the author ships OT4
Though the papparazzi keep trying to get her to admit she's dating at least one of them. She refuses to confirm anything. Asuka's actress won't stop laughing when she's asked. So Kaworu is as wrong as most people, then!
Gotcha covered, dude.You know what forget it I've tried fixing it twice this is too much effort to do from my phone.
- Location
- Finland
Asuka: ~hidden
Shinji: "My answer still applies."
Update shortly.
In the meantime... Comedy omake, written right now!
Meanwhile, backstage:
+++++
Rei: "I hate it when the Director demands we 'Be Funny! Camera's running!'. Jerk."
Kaworu: "You're grumpy. Usually the end of the day's shooting means you're all happy and stuff. Then you grab me or Shinji or Asuka or a combination of us and drag us off to your trailer for 'rehearsals'. What's the matter?"
Rei: "That scene he just made us do, that's what! Fuck, that was depressing! I hate it when he makes me cry just from reading the script! God, I want a drink or something."
Gendo: ~walks by, puffing on a huge joint. Hands another one, already lit, to Rei~ "Relax, babe. You're too cute to get worry lines so young. Enjoy being 18, young, and surrounded by hot people!"
Rei: ~takes a deep hit~ "Oh, God, thank you, Gendo. I love you. You always have the most dank sticky icky."
Gendo: "I know, I'm the shit. Remember: 'Hard work good and hard work fine, but first take care of head'." ~sage nod~
Kaworu: "....that was Bob Marley. You just quoted Bob Marley at us like it was Zen."
Gendo: "At least it was in English?"
Kaworu: "Aren't we theoretically speaking Japanese?"
Gendo: "Fuck if I know, dude. I'm so baked it could be Esperanto for all I can tell." ~takes a drag on the joint~
Kaworu: "I have no idea how you manage to do all your scenes like that."
Gendo: "Why do you think I'm always wearing those sunglasses? My eyes are so red most of the time, I look like I'm about to start crying blood."
Rei: "Aww yeah, it's kickin' in... I feel more mellow already."
Aoba: "Miss Ayanami! Miss Ayanami! The Director needs you two back on set right away! He's got some more pages to shoot."
Rei: ~coughs out a lungful of Acapulco Gold~ ".....aw fuck. This is going to be a weird scene. I'm already feeling a buzz comin' on..."
Kaworu: "Damn it. The last time this happened, she kept giggling in the middle of when she was supposed to be mad at me, and 'booping' my nose instead of slapping me."
Gendo: "Aw, yeah, that one was awesome! Totally goin' in the blooper reel. Like the time I pantsed Fuyutsuki right before we shot the first battle scene in Central Dogma! Tighty-whities, who knew?"
Rei: "C'mon, Rainbow Trout. If I gotta shoot another scene while stoned, I'm gonna at least get some good snogging in."
Kaworu: "Rei, there's not supposed to be any making out in this scene. We just had a tense, emotionally draining conversation, remember?"
Rei: "Hey, bigshot Director calls us back in after he told us we were done for the day, he gets me in full 'I wanna snog' mode and takes his chances. 'Sides, are you complaining?"
Kaworu: "You know what? You're right." ~takes the joint from Rei, takes a big hit, and hands it back to Gendo~ "Alright!" ~cough, cough, cough~ "Let's do this shit!"
++++
Well, that got longer than I expected.
Well, that was interesting.
You know, Stryp's depiction of Rei backstage is little bit similar to mine, though minus taking drugs and so on.
(Alsom she's more "self-centered" and "uptight")Also, she can conjure "Doppels" which are the various Rei-clones we see in the series, though minus emotions of varying degree. Taught this skill to Misaka Mikoto of Certain Scientific Railgun-fame, though she likes to keep 5 of the doppels around.
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FlyingScanian
Tea Addict
- Location
- Land of Eternal Night
- Pronouns
- He/Him
Stryp, stryp, stryp. Stop sampling your actor's stock. It's not good for you, and they need it more :lol
- Location
- Canada
Hey, he needs to deal with the shitty (emotionally speaking) parts more than they do. For ever rough scene they act, he needs to make one.
Chapter 9.23
- Location
- National Capital Region, USA
Is it Friday?
....by 46 minutes, Kuwait time. Close enough.
Anyone new posted in the thread?
Hell if I know. We're posting anyhow!
@4rt1ll3ry has been likebombing the thread, that's good enough. This makes 18 weeks in a row!
This got big. It was supposed to be a short, gutpunch of a scene for Kaworu, then it turned into a big, serious talk for him and Rei. Here's just short of 4000 words of Kaworu having a bad day that finally looks up a bit.
Art?
Chapter 9.23
Everything I Do...
+++
He was almost done with his search pattern. He'd criss-crossed the city completely over the time since his arrival, letting his senses give him a constant bearing towards his target. He could feel it right now, pulling at him, singing that constant, deep hum at the back of his mind. The unmistakable song of a Progenitor, 7 kilometers below him and a little south of where he now stood on a roof overlooking the city center.
He no longer even had the excuse that he did not know where Adam was.
He tried to unclench his fist. He'd been tense. The last three days had been... hard. He'd managed to go back to his new apartment and sleep, but the lack of school the next day had left him too much free time, and his wounded solitude had lost the argument with the Call, and he'd spent the weekend completing the thorough search pattern of the city that he'd left off when Re-... Ayanami had requested his help in Asuka's present.
With that over, and Ayanami's... rejection, he'd had nothing to stop the Call from pushing him to finish that delaying step. So now, he was finding it harder and harder to come up with reasons not to just-
In his pocket, his NERV-issued cell phone rang. Not the alarm call of an Angel attack, just a regular incoming call.
He snapped out of his trance with a sharp intake of breath, and dug into his pocket. A small smile sprang to his lips when the caller ID turned out to say 'IKARI, S.' He hit 'accept' with almost palpable relief. "Hello, Shinji-kun."
"Hello, Kaworu-kun. Are you busy?"
He shivered. "No, not at all. What can I do for you?" he said warmly.
"I tried to catch you at school, but you left so quickly. I... um... if you're not busy, could you come to Rei's apartment? We're about to try some new music for Misato-san's birthday tonight, and I thought you might like to join in, since you enjoyed playing together before."
Relief and dread shot through him. He'd left school quickly for the same reason he hadn't been back to Ayanami's place since the night of Asuka's party: He and Ayanami had been completely avoiding each other. Even at school Monday and Tuesday, they'd not so much as exchanged a glance, let alone words. Now... he couldn't avoid this. If he said no, he knew the Call would only surge higher.
"I'd be delighted, Shinji-kun. Let me collect my instrument, and I will be there in less than an hour."
"Great! Just come in when you arrive. We'll be playing and might not hear the doorbell." Click.
Kaworu stared at the phone for a moment, then headed for the stairs down. Music. Perhaps the songs would soothe him more than Ayanami's presence made him hurt.
He hoped.
+++
He could hear them for blocks before he got there, faintly. By the time he walked up to her door, the music and their songs were just pouring out like an exuberant flood. He made it as far as the kitchen before his other sight resolved the glow into a sharp picture of Ayanami, Miss Soryu, and Shinji-kun sitting in Ayanami's living room, intently playing Beethoven's string trio in G Major, Op 9/1.
The cello effortlessly passed the lead to the violin, who passed it to the viola. Back and forth, weaving in and out of each other, handing the lead off over and over... and the whole time Miss Soryu and Shinji-kun shone like small suns, their souls dancing with each other as much as the music.
And Ayanami... Ayanami orbiting around them, resonating in tune with them, glowing and humming to his other hearing like the most tantalizing siren in the world.
He stopped in his tracks. Tears began to flow. It was too much. He was beautiful. They were beautiful. And she... she was beautiful.
She shone. He had to... had to see more. He stuck just enough of his head around the corner to see her.
It was a mistake. She looked even better than in his other sight and hearing alone. The completely serene look on her face, the graceful sway to her arms as she played, the tiny, heartbreaking smile on her lips... All of it because of the ones she played with. She looked happy, and loved. She radiated it. She was the full moon in a starlit sky, serene and gorgeous and unreachable. As she had ever been, and would be.
'They are so wonderful together. How could I ever... ever dare to think I could... be that one. To earn that look from her. How did I dare? Stupid, stupid fish, just as she calls you.'
The music went on, like a rolling river, energy and motion and inexorable pull.
'You threaten the death of all she loves just by being alive. You know your fate. And when has it ever been her?'
'How did you ever dare imagine yourself worthy?'
He had no idea how long he stood there, silently letting the tears roll down his cheeks, at once reveling in the joy pouring off them and aching that it was utterly beyond his reach. Every note was a joy and another sharp, piercing reminder of his loneliness.
Too much. Too much. He turned to leave, to flee, but his violin case bumped against the chairs beside the table, causing enough clatter to be heard over the music, which stumbled to a halt.
"Kaworu-kun? Come in, we were waiting for you," Shinji's voice called to him. He stopped.
Delicate footsteps behind him. That unmistakable presence bumped against his AT-Field. He turned.
Crimson eyes met his, unreadable. Her face was as perfect and blank a mask as ever. Neither of them said anything for a moment. Then she stepped back and aside, gesturing him in. "Please come in, Nagisa-san. We... would like you to play with us."
He wanted to run. He wanted to scream at her. To throw his violin at her and demand to know why she was doing this when she had told him to go. Just looking at her made the Call surge in the back of his mind, along with the urge to attack his Lilithian opposite.
He forced a smile to his face, and quickly wiped away the traces of his tears. "Of course, Ayanami-san. I would be happy to."
She nodded, a sharp flicker of understanding passing across her face. That somehow hurt too. But... a little less.
+++
Shinji stood up from putting his cello into its case and stretched. Asuka did so as well next to him, earning an appreciative look from Shinji, and a small giggle in response from her. "Mm, that was pretty good, for the first time the four of us have played together. You think so, Kaworu-kun?"
He gave Shinji a placid smile. "It was very nice, Shinji-kun. This was a pleasant afternoon."
"We've got to get going, though," Asuka put in. "We need to leave now to hit the shops for the meat and things for Misato's dinner." To Kaworu's inquisitive look, Asuka explained, "It's Misato's birthday tonight, and my sweet baka here has promised her a birthday dinner almost as good as mine. But we need to get moving now in order to make it back in time to cook. We'll play later tomorrow."
They picked up their instrument cases and headed for the door. "Oh, you're invited too, Kaworu-kun," Shinji called back. "Misato-san said it was fine."
"That's ah... very kind of her, Shinji-kun," he said, packing up his own violin. "But I..."
A slender hand on his shoulder stopped his polite refusal in his mouth. He looked at Ayanami, who shook her head silently. "Come," she said, softly.
"Rei, you coming?" Asuka called from the doorway.
"Go ahead, Asuka. I wish to speak to Nagisa-san for a bit," she said, her eyes never leaving his.
"Alright! We'll see you when we get back!" The door beeped closed as they left. The apartment dimmed only slightly as their light receded.
His skin burned and tingled under the warmth of her hand. He shook it off and stepped back. "Why?"
"To apologize."
"To apologize," he echoed hollowly.
"Yes." She turned away for a moment, packing her viola. "I... was unprepared for... what happened. I suddenly... understood your pain. And I could not bear it. So I told you to leave, and I am sorry."
"Sorry?! Sorry?! I nearly walked to the Geofront and did what I'm constantly afraid I'll do before my conscious mind even caught up with the pain! I asked you, that day, if I was your friend! You said yes! And then... and then you told me to go! To stop being your friend! I..."
Rei's back was still to him. "I'm sorry," she said, still softer.
"I just asked you... begged you to be my friend! To not leave me to suffer alone! Not to love me, not to see your body, not anything but what you'd already said I was! And you told me to leave!"
"I know."
"Why did you hug me?!"
She stood silently with her back still to him until long after the echoes of his shout faded. She turned around, red eyes finally meeting his.
"Because... you needed it. And I..." She looked aside. "Because I could... ease your pain. By showing you you were... not alone."
"I am! You... you know I am! And how much it hurts! And now I know that... that losing that.. feeling that you are not alone feels even worse. "
"I was alone. And numbed so I would not care about the pain that it brought me every second. Until they saved me, and showed me what being... cared for could be like. I... I'm sorry. I was unready for the recognition that you are... just like me. Alone, half-Lilim, half something else, created and meant to be just a tool in another's plot for Instrumentality. Hurting. I could not bear it... I made you leave because... I thought it would hurt less. But it did not."
She stepped closer, her head down a little, hiding her eyes under the fringe of her hair. He almost raised his arms defensively.
"I stopped myself. From going down there. By... hope. That you were... not beyond my reach. A friend," he said. "By... remembering the feel of you. Of being held. I'd... I'd never been hugged before."
She was very close now. Her head rose, her eyes meeting his again. "No one should be... that alone," she said. "Never?"
"You think the SEELE lab technicians that created me did? Or anyone in NERV-Berlin? I... you are a torment, Ayanami-san. You are... you understand, you are so beautiful, you distract me from the Call... and then you... push me away, ignore me, and... you have no idea how painfully beautiful you were today."
"Painfully?"
"Yes, painfully! It... it hurts to look at you, be near you! You... you are... You saw what happened when I came in and saw you! You... you have no idea how... you blaze when you are near them! And they... they are even more! I... I don't know if I want to... to be you, or be them!"
"Be... them?" Rei said, confused.
"They love you! I can see it!" Kaworu's hands clawed at this hair in frustration. "You... you hugged me and said I was your friend and I felt so much better but then you said no and told me to leave and it hurt and I almost went down there and I hate you and I want to hug again I've never been hugged before so alone it hurts you made me leave it hurts it's never been like this before I don't know what to do-"
"Stop," Rei said, putting her hands on his shoulders.
"DON'T TOUCH ME!"
Rei jumped backwards in shock, her jaw dropping.
Kaworu stood there panting, his hands clenching over and over. The panting was still an improvement over the near panic-breathing he'd been rapidly moving towards.
Rei stood still, a bit more than arm's reach back, face still frozen in alarm. She slowly relaxed to her usual blank mask as Kaworu's breathing slowed. "I was trying to help. You were about to... burst."
"I... realize. Th-thank you. But... I am... having difficulty suppressing the instinct to regard you as an enemy right now. S-sorry," he said carefully. "And... it still hurts."
"I apologize. You are... too much like me. I... feared the pain of empathizing with you, and sent you away. It only increased your own."
"Yes. I... you understood. But then still rejected me. I... the Call is... very seductive when... I feel that bad. It... it promises an end to my pain." His hands curled into tight, shaking fists. "And... an end to my pain is becoming... very, very attractive."
"Don't-"
"I know!" he exploded. "I know! I don't want to kill everyone! But... it feels so right in the back of my head! An end to my pain, a filling of that burning, terrible emptiness inside me! I won't feel alone anymore!" He was panting again. "And then I come here and see you with them and remember that means killing all of you and wiping out their light and yours and..." His head sank. "I just want it to stop hurting. I don't know how much longer I can stand this. This thing is slowly taking me apart."
Rei stepped closer again. Very cautiously, she took his left hand in her right. "You are not alone."
Desperate eyes locked on hers.
"You... are friendly, cultured, a talented musician, and attractive. You are not... bad. Kaworu Nagisa is... my friend," Rei said slowly.
"......but Tabris is your enemy," Kaworu finished.
She nodded. She pulled him by the hand towards the chairs they had been using when playing. Seating him in one, she pulled her own closer to face him directly. She stared at him for a moment. "Your pain is... intense, constant, and increasing."
He nodded.
"And... anything that promises an end to that is... hard to ignore."
He licked dry lips. "Yes."
"And it hurts that I rejected you, and... to be around me?" Rei sounded more cautious now. "I understand, partly... I think."
He fiddled with his violin case, still in his other hand, before putting it on the floor. "You... you are very attractive. Beautiful. And... you understand. You said you were my friend... You said..." He swallowed. "That you are just like me. I... it is not just your body..." He started to hunch in on himself. "I wish... I was not me. What I am. Then... you might... we might..." He pinched his eyes shut.
Rei sat perfectly still, like a cat about to bolt. "That is... not possibl-"
"I know. I know there are a thousand reasons why that is impossible. Beyond foolish. I... have no idea what to do. It has never been like this before!"
Rei's look sharpened. "You said that before. And... 'All this has happened before'. Explain."
He took a deep breath. "My body is Lilim, but also not. My mind is... even more mixed. I suspect weak quantum entanglement with other worlds due to proximity to Second Impact."
"Explain," Rei pressed.
"I have met Shinji Ikari before. Loved him. I think. I have seen myself die a hundred times, usually by his hand. I think." He looked up and blinked at the obvious rising frustration in her expression. "I have... visions. Déjà vu. I don't know. Just... not the future. Other futures. Not this world. But usually alike enough I can... get a general idea. When I can remember them. They're like... barely more than dream fragments."
"I do not dream." Rei said sharply. "So... how is this not like your visions?"
Kaworu threw his hands up. "It's completely unlike them! I came here 'knowing' what Shinji Ikari was like! And you! And... all of this! But none of it is! He's happy! With her! They love each other with every breath! And you are..." He waved his hands at her. "Alive! Beautiful! Vivid! So much unlike the other Rei Ayanami's I've seen! And none of this is... I have no idea what to do! This... this isn't what I expected, not even close! There's...there's so much here I want to see, to... to live... I stupidly, clumsily asked you out because I wanted to. I... I thinkI've loved Shinji. The other me's, I don't know. But... when I look at them, look at you with them, I realize I don't understand anything about love at all. But... I..." He collapsed again. "I wish I was not me, so I could... find out. With you, with him, them, anyone. Not... not a tool for the end of the world that I see that has people like you and them in it."
Rei stared at him for a long time. She rose. "We will discuss this more later. For now, stand up."
He did, puzzled. His confusion only increased when she stepped closer and he was enveloped in the second hug of his life. He stiffened, then forced himself to relax. She was... warm.
"You are not alone. You are my friend. And theirs. I... cannot say that a part of me does not hate you and scream for your destruction. But... if you were not Tabris, I would not... dismiss it out of hand if you asked me out again," Rei said carefully. "I love them. I will do whatever is necessary to protect them. I... will stop you, if it comes to that. But I will... do my best to make it swift and painless. And I will mourn your memory."
A laugh that was almost a sob escaped him. "I'm being hugged by a beautiful girl, she's promising to kill me, and it's still the best thing I've felt all week."
"You find me beautiful," she said. "This is flattering."
He nodded. "My body... keeps making suggestions. Urges. But... more. I... want to be near you. Near him. Near them. "
"I... believe you when you say... you think of me and my body to distract you from the Call. I... will try not to... react as harshly."
He gave her a very weak smile. "'If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me'?" he quoted.
"Do not push your luck, Rainbow Trout."
"Why do you call me that?"
"Because you are a stupid fish who looks funny in my Sight. And that is a mark of friendship. This is why Asuka used to call me Wondergirl." Rei considered. "Why she used to after she stopped using it as a fear-generated insult, anyhow. You are a friend, so I will refer to you by a nickname."
His smile was a little less shaky. "Do I get to call you-"
"No."
"....why?"
"I am not a stupid fish."
He shivered in her arms. "Thank you. For this. And the music. I feel much better."
"You are welcome. This... helps prevent Tabris from overtaking Kaworu Nagisa. I can accept it as part of that."
He hesitantly raised his arms and gingerly hugged her back. "I... apologize again. I have no right to expect you to... let me touch you, stare at you, demand your care, not even as... a strange sort of way to fight my Adamite side. It is an unfair burden to place on you."
"I am aware. The pressure to do so... can poison any actual friendship we develop. I... do not hold it against you, and will try to ignore it. It can be just as selfish from my side: I could pretend all of this in the name of keeping them safe. I do not think either of us are that dishonest, however."
He shook his head a little. "I... very much do not want to be dishonest with you. I have few enough relationships of any kind to want to jeopardize them like that. I will not require anything of you. But I will thank you." His laugh was a bit more shaky. "I... I wish I was not who I am. I do not like not being able to tell Shinji-kun who I am too. I want him... to see who I really am. I... I hate it when he hates me... in the visions. I wish... I was... not me."
"Then we must find a way to change that."
He laughed a bit louder, but even sadder. "How? Become someone else? Something else? Or learn to like being doomed? That sounds easier than changing what I fundamentally am: The soul of Adam in a body that only half belongs on this world."
"I do not know. But we will try. I do not want to have to kill a friend. And you, you stupid, annoying fish, have… become such. You bastard."
His laugh this time was less dark. "You say the strangest things when we are close like this, Ayanami-san."
She let go of him and stepped back. "Get used to it. I have discovered one of the pleasures of having friends is the concurrent ability to 'mess with them'." She sat back down in her chair. "Now… explain why you are so sure Shinji will kill you in those visions. Why him?"
He sat, shrugging. "I am not completely sure. They are fragmentary, but congruent. I reach a point where I cannot suppress the Call any longer, and attempt to… fulfill my purpose. You are there sometimes, too, but it is he that stops me with Unit-01. I am… relieved when he does, and," he closed his eyes, "I ask him to kill me. That he should live, because he and the Lilim deserve to go on. It is… it feels like all I can do."
"But things are not as you expected. They are different. This is cause for hope. You can fight the Call," Rei replied.
"It's… hard."
Rei cocked her head. "Perhaps. Remain here."
She rose and went into her bedroom, emerging a minute later with a small, flat box, no larger than her hand. "Here. Keep this. If there is a night when the Call is strong, open it, and… use it to help fight. Or call me. I am… not unused to midnight calls for help from those in crisis."
He took the box, examining it. "What is it?"
Rei just looked at him coolly. "I do not wish to… spoil it. Do not open it until and unless you must, however. And do not discuss what you find in there. Ever."
He put it in his pocket, confused. "Alright. What now?"
"You return to your lodgings. Tomorrow, afterschool we shall… talk more. Look around the city. Find reasons for you to resist the Call. Discuss your visions. If you have any future knowledge that might help protect them, I wish to know it."
He nodded. "I… will try. I only know what 'I' see in those visions. I have little idea of things not around me."
"Anything. We both wish to protect them. We will be friends and allies, Nagisa-san."
"…then can you call me Kaworu?"
Rei stared at him. She could hear the naked need and loneliness in his voice, and even more, see the odd flickers in even the chaotic strangeness of his light. "As you… yes."
He brightened. "May I call you by name as well?"
"You may call me Ayanami."
+++
....by 46 minutes, Kuwait time. Close enough.
Anyone new posted in the thread?
Hell if I know. We're posting anyhow!
@4rt1ll3ry has been likebombing the thread, that's good enough. This makes 18 weeks in a row!
This got big. It was supposed to be a short, gutpunch of a scene for Kaworu, then it turned into a big, serious talk for him and Rei. Here's just short of 4000 words of Kaworu having a bad day that finally looks up a bit.
Art?
Chapter 9.23
Everything I Do...
+++
He was almost done with his search pattern. He'd criss-crossed the city completely over the time since his arrival, letting his senses give him a constant bearing towards his target. He could feel it right now, pulling at him, singing that constant, deep hum at the back of his mind. The unmistakable song of a Progenitor, 7 kilometers below him and a little south of where he now stood on a roof overlooking the city center.
He no longer even had the excuse that he did not know where Adam was.
He tried to unclench his fist. He'd been tense. The last three days had been... hard. He'd managed to go back to his new apartment and sleep, but the lack of school the next day had left him too much free time, and his wounded solitude had lost the argument with the Call, and he'd spent the weekend completing the thorough search pattern of the city that he'd left off when Re-... Ayanami had requested his help in Asuka's present.
With that over, and Ayanami's... rejection, he'd had nothing to stop the Call from pushing him to finish that delaying step. So now, he was finding it harder and harder to come up with reasons not to just-
In his pocket, his NERV-issued cell phone rang. Not the alarm call of an Angel attack, just a regular incoming call.
He snapped out of his trance with a sharp intake of breath, and dug into his pocket. A small smile sprang to his lips when the caller ID turned out to say 'IKARI, S.' He hit 'accept' with almost palpable relief. "Hello, Shinji-kun."
"Hello, Kaworu-kun. Are you busy?"
He shivered. "No, not at all. What can I do for you?" he said warmly.
"I tried to catch you at school, but you left so quickly. I... um... if you're not busy, could you come to Rei's apartment? We're about to try some new music for Misato-san's birthday tonight, and I thought you might like to join in, since you enjoyed playing together before."
Relief and dread shot through him. He'd left school quickly for the same reason he hadn't been back to Ayanami's place since the night of Asuka's party: He and Ayanami had been completely avoiding each other. Even at school Monday and Tuesday, they'd not so much as exchanged a glance, let alone words. Now... he couldn't avoid this. If he said no, he knew the Call would only surge higher.
"I'd be delighted, Shinji-kun. Let me collect my instrument, and I will be there in less than an hour."
"Great! Just come in when you arrive. We'll be playing and might not hear the doorbell." Click.
Kaworu stared at the phone for a moment, then headed for the stairs down. Music. Perhaps the songs would soothe him more than Ayanami's presence made him hurt.
He hoped.
+++
He could hear them for blocks before he got there, faintly. By the time he walked up to her door, the music and their songs were just pouring out like an exuberant flood. He made it as far as the kitchen before his other sight resolved the glow into a sharp picture of Ayanami, Miss Soryu, and Shinji-kun sitting in Ayanami's living room, intently playing Beethoven's string trio in G Major, Op 9/1.
The cello effortlessly passed the lead to the violin, who passed it to the viola. Back and forth, weaving in and out of each other, handing the lead off over and over... and the whole time Miss Soryu and Shinji-kun shone like small suns, their souls dancing with each other as much as the music.
And Ayanami... Ayanami orbiting around them, resonating in tune with them, glowing and humming to his other hearing like the most tantalizing siren in the world.
He stopped in his tracks. Tears began to flow. It was too much. He was beautiful. They were beautiful. And she... she was beautiful.
She shone. He had to... had to see more. He stuck just enough of his head around the corner to see her.
It was a mistake. She looked even better than in his other sight and hearing alone. The completely serene look on her face, the graceful sway to her arms as she played, the tiny, heartbreaking smile on her lips... All of it because of the ones she played with. She looked happy, and loved. She radiated it. She was the full moon in a starlit sky, serene and gorgeous and unreachable. As she had ever been, and would be.
'They are so wonderful together. How could I ever... ever dare to think I could... be that one. To earn that look from her. How did I dare? Stupid, stupid fish, just as she calls you.'
The music went on, like a rolling river, energy and motion and inexorable pull.
'You threaten the death of all she loves just by being alive. You know your fate. And when has it ever been her?'
'How did you ever dare imagine yourself worthy?'
He had no idea how long he stood there, silently letting the tears roll down his cheeks, at once reveling in the joy pouring off them and aching that it was utterly beyond his reach. Every note was a joy and another sharp, piercing reminder of his loneliness.
Too much. Too much. He turned to leave, to flee, but his violin case bumped against the chairs beside the table, causing enough clatter to be heard over the music, which stumbled to a halt.
"Kaworu-kun? Come in, we were waiting for you," Shinji's voice called to him. He stopped.
Delicate footsteps behind him. That unmistakable presence bumped against his AT-Field. He turned.
Crimson eyes met his, unreadable. Her face was as perfect and blank a mask as ever. Neither of them said anything for a moment. Then she stepped back and aside, gesturing him in. "Please come in, Nagisa-san. We... would like you to play with us."
He wanted to run. He wanted to scream at her. To throw his violin at her and demand to know why she was doing this when she had told him to go. Just looking at her made the Call surge in the back of his mind, along with the urge to attack his Lilithian opposite.
He forced a smile to his face, and quickly wiped away the traces of his tears. "Of course, Ayanami-san. I would be happy to."
She nodded, a sharp flicker of understanding passing across her face. That somehow hurt too. But... a little less.
+++
Shinji stood up from putting his cello into its case and stretched. Asuka did so as well next to him, earning an appreciative look from Shinji, and a small giggle in response from her. "Mm, that was pretty good, for the first time the four of us have played together. You think so, Kaworu-kun?"
He gave Shinji a placid smile. "It was very nice, Shinji-kun. This was a pleasant afternoon."
"We've got to get going, though," Asuka put in. "We need to leave now to hit the shops for the meat and things for Misato's dinner." To Kaworu's inquisitive look, Asuka explained, "It's Misato's birthday tonight, and my sweet baka here has promised her a birthday dinner almost as good as mine. But we need to get moving now in order to make it back in time to cook. We'll play later tomorrow."
They picked up their instrument cases and headed for the door. "Oh, you're invited too, Kaworu-kun," Shinji called back. "Misato-san said it was fine."
"That's ah... very kind of her, Shinji-kun," he said, packing up his own violin. "But I..."
A slender hand on his shoulder stopped his polite refusal in his mouth. He looked at Ayanami, who shook her head silently. "Come," she said, softly.
"Rei, you coming?" Asuka called from the doorway.
"Go ahead, Asuka. I wish to speak to Nagisa-san for a bit," she said, her eyes never leaving his.
"Alright! We'll see you when we get back!" The door beeped closed as they left. The apartment dimmed only slightly as their light receded.
His skin burned and tingled under the warmth of her hand. He shook it off and stepped back. "Why?"
"To apologize."
"To apologize," he echoed hollowly.
"Yes." She turned away for a moment, packing her viola. "I... was unprepared for... what happened. I suddenly... understood your pain. And I could not bear it. So I told you to leave, and I am sorry."
"Sorry?! Sorry?! I nearly walked to the Geofront and did what I'm constantly afraid I'll do before my conscious mind even caught up with the pain! I asked you, that day, if I was your friend! You said yes! And then... and then you told me to go! To stop being your friend! I..."
Rei's back was still to him. "I'm sorry," she said, still softer.
"I just asked you... begged you to be my friend! To not leave me to suffer alone! Not to love me, not to see your body, not anything but what you'd already said I was! And you told me to leave!"
"I know."
"Why did you hug me?!"
She stood silently with her back still to him until long after the echoes of his shout faded. She turned around, red eyes finally meeting his.
"Because... you needed it. And I..." She looked aside. "Because I could... ease your pain. By showing you you were... not alone."
"I am! You... you know I am! And how much it hurts! And now I know that... that losing that.. feeling that you are not alone feels even worse. "
"I was alone. And numbed so I would not care about the pain that it brought me every second. Until they saved me, and showed me what being... cared for could be like. I... I'm sorry. I was unready for the recognition that you are... just like me. Alone, half-Lilim, half something else, created and meant to be just a tool in another's plot for Instrumentality. Hurting. I could not bear it... I made you leave because... I thought it would hurt less. But it did not."
She stepped closer, her head down a little, hiding her eyes under the fringe of her hair. He almost raised his arms defensively.
"I stopped myself. From going down there. By... hope. That you were... not beyond my reach. A friend," he said. "By... remembering the feel of you. Of being held. I'd... I'd never been hugged before."
She was very close now. Her head rose, her eyes meeting his again. "No one should be... that alone," she said. "Never?"
"You think the SEELE lab technicians that created me did? Or anyone in NERV-Berlin? I... you are a torment, Ayanami-san. You are... you understand, you are so beautiful, you distract me from the Call... and then you... push me away, ignore me, and... you have no idea how painfully beautiful you were today."
"Painfully?"
"Yes, painfully! It... it hurts to look at you, be near you! You... you are... You saw what happened when I came in and saw you! You... you have no idea how... you blaze when you are near them! And they... they are even more! I... I don't know if I want to... to be you, or be them!"
"Be... them?" Rei said, confused.
"They love you! I can see it!" Kaworu's hands clawed at this hair in frustration. "You... you hugged me and said I was your friend and I felt so much better but then you said no and told me to leave and it hurt and I almost went down there and I hate you and I want to hug again I've never been hugged before so alone it hurts you made me leave it hurts it's never been like this before I don't know what to do-"
"Stop," Rei said, putting her hands on his shoulders.
"DON'T TOUCH ME!"
Rei jumped backwards in shock, her jaw dropping.
Kaworu stood there panting, his hands clenching over and over. The panting was still an improvement over the near panic-breathing he'd been rapidly moving towards.
Rei stood still, a bit more than arm's reach back, face still frozen in alarm. She slowly relaxed to her usual blank mask as Kaworu's breathing slowed. "I was trying to help. You were about to... burst."
"I... realize. Th-thank you. But... I am... having difficulty suppressing the instinct to regard you as an enemy right now. S-sorry," he said carefully. "And... it still hurts."
"I apologize. You are... too much like me. I... feared the pain of empathizing with you, and sent you away. It only increased your own."
"Yes. I... you understood. But then still rejected me. I... the Call is... very seductive when... I feel that bad. It... it promises an end to my pain." His hands curled into tight, shaking fists. "And... an end to my pain is becoming... very, very attractive."
"Don't-"
"I know!" he exploded. "I know! I don't want to kill everyone! But... it feels so right in the back of my head! An end to my pain, a filling of that burning, terrible emptiness inside me! I won't feel alone anymore!" He was panting again. "And then I come here and see you with them and remember that means killing all of you and wiping out their light and yours and..." His head sank. "I just want it to stop hurting. I don't know how much longer I can stand this. This thing is slowly taking me apart."
Rei stepped closer again. Very cautiously, she took his left hand in her right. "You are not alone."
Desperate eyes locked on hers.
"You... are friendly, cultured, a talented musician, and attractive. You are not... bad. Kaworu Nagisa is... my friend," Rei said slowly.
"......but Tabris is your enemy," Kaworu finished.
She nodded. She pulled him by the hand towards the chairs they had been using when playing. Seating him in one, she pulled her own closer to face him directly. She stared at him for a moment. "Your pain is... intense, constant, and increasing."
He nodded.
"And... anything that promises an end to that is... hard to ignore."
He licked dry lips. "Yes."
"And it hurts that I rejected you, and... to be around me?" Rei sounded more cautious now. "I understand, partly... I think."
He fiddled with his violin case, still in his other hand, before putting it on the floor. "You... you are very attractive. Beautiful. And... you understand. You said you were my friend... You said..." He swallowed. "That you are just like me. I... it is not just your body..." He started to hunch in on himself. "I wish... I was not me. What I am. Then... you might... we might..." He pinched his eyes shut.
Rei sat perfectly still, like a cat about to bolt. "That is... not possibl-"
"I know. I know there are a thousand reasons why that is impossible. Beyond foolish. I... have no idea what to do. It has never been like this before!"
Rei's look sharpened. "You said that before. And... 'All this has happened before'. Explain."
He took a deep breath. "My body is Lilim, but also not. My mind is... even more mixed. I suspect weak quantum entanglement with other worlds due to proximity to Second Impact."
"Explain," Rei pressed.
"I have met Shinji Ikari before. Loved him. I think. I have seen myself die a hundred times, usually by his hand. I think." He looked up and blinked at the obvious rising frustration in her expression. "I have... visions. Déjà vu. I don't know. Just... not the future. Other futures. Not this world. But usually alike enough I can... get a general idea. When I can remember them. They're like... barely more than dream fragments."
"I do not dream." Rei said sharply. "So... how is this not like your visions?"
Kaworu threw his hands up. "It's completely unlike them! I came here 'knowing' what Shinji Ikari was like! And you! And... all of this! But none of it is! He's happy! With her! They love each other with every breath! And you are..." He waved his hands at her. "Alive! Beautiful! Vivid! So much unlike the other Rei Ayanami's I've seen! And none of this is... I have no idea what to do! This... this isn't what I expected, not even close! There's...there's so much here I want to see, to... to live... I stupidly, clumsily asked you out because I wanted to. I... I thinkI've loved Shinji. The other me's, I don't know. But... when I look at them, look at you with them, I realize I don't understand anything about love at all. But... I..." He collapsed again. "I wish I was not me, so I could... find out. With you, with him, them, anyone. Not... not a tool for the end of the world that I see that has people like you and them in it."
Rei stared at him for a long time. She rose. "We will discuss this more later. For now, stand up."
He did, puzzled. His confusion only increased when she stepped closer and he was enveloped in the second hug of his life. He stiffened, then forced himself to relax. She was... warm.
"You are not alone. You are my friend. And theirs. I... cannot say that a part of me does not hate you and scream for your destruction. But... if you were not Tabris, I would not... dismiss it out of hand if you asked me out again," Rei said carefully. "I love them. I will do whatever is necessary to protect them. I... will stop you, if it comes to that. But I will... do my best to make it swift and painless. And I will mourn your memory."
A laugh that was almost a sob escaped him. "I'm being hugged by a beautiful girl, she's promising to kill me, and it's still the best thing I've felt all week."
"You find me beautiful," she said. "This is flattering."
He nodded. "My body... keeps making suggestions. Urges. But... more. I... want to be near you. Near him. Near them. "
"I... believe you when you say... you think of me and my body to distract you from the Call. I... will try not to... react as harshly."
He gave her a very weak smile. "'If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me'?" he quoted.
"Do not push your luck, Rainbow Trout."
"Why do you call me that?"
"Because you are a stupid fish who looks funny in my Sight. And that is a mark of friendship. This is why Asuka used to call me Wondergirl." Rei considered. "Why she used to after she stopped using it as a fear-generated insult, anyhow. You are a friend, so I will refer to you by a nickname."
His smile was a little less shaky. "Do I get to call you-"
"No."
"....why?"
"I am not a stupid fish."
He shivered in her arms. "Thank you. For this. And the music. I feel much better."
"You are welcome. This... helps prevent Tabris from overtaking Kaworu Nagisa. I can accept it as part of that."
He hesitantly raised his arms and gingerly hugged her back. "I... apologize again. I have no right to expect you to... let me touch you, stare at you, demand your care, not even as... a strange sort of way to fight my Adamite side. It is an unfair burden to place on you."
"I am aware. The pressure to do so... can poison any actual friendship we develop. I... do not hold it against you, and will try to ignore it. It can be just as selfish from my side: I could pretend all of this in the name of keeping them safe. I do not think either of us are that dishonest, however."
He shook his head a little. "I... very much do not want to be dishonest with you. I have few enough relationships of any kind to want to jeopardize them like that. I will not require anything of you. But I will thank you." His laugh was a bit more shaky. "I... I wish I was not who I am. I do not like not being able to tell Shinji-kun who I am too. I want him... to see who I really am. I... I hate it when he hates me... in the visions. I wish... I was... not me."
"Then we must find a way to change that."
He laughed a bit louder, but even sadder. "How? Become someone else? Something else? Or learn to like being doomed? That sounds easier than changing what I fundamentally am: The soul of Adam in a body that only half belongs on this world."
"I do not know. But we will try. I do not want to have to kill a friend. And you, you stupid, annoying fish, have… become such. You bastard."
His laugh this time was less dark. "You say the strangest things when we are close like this, Ayanami-san."
She let go of him and stepped back. "Get used to it. I have discovered one of the pleasures of having friends is the concurrent ability to 'mess with them'." She sat back down in her chair. "Now… explain why you are so sure Shinji will kill you in those visions. Why him?"
He sat, shrugging. "I am not completely sure. They are fragmentary, but congruent. I reach a point where I cannot suppress the Call any longer, and attempt to… fulfill my purpose. You are there sometimes, too, but it is he that stops me with Unit-01. I am… relieved when he does, and," he closed his eyes, "I ask him to kill me. That he should live, because he and the Lilim deserve to go on. It is… it feels like all I can do."
"But things are not as you expected. They are different. This is cause for hope. You can fight the Call," Rei replied.
"It's… hard."
Rei cocked her head. "Perhaps. Remain here."
She rose and went into her bedroom, emerging a minute later with a small, flat box, no larger than her hand. "Here. Keep this. If there is a night when the Call is strong, open it, and… use it to help fight. Or call me. I am… not unused to midnight calls for help from those in crisis."
He took the box, examining it. "What is it?"
Rei just looked at him coolly. "I do not wish to… spoil it. Do not open it until and unless you must, however. And do not discuss what you find in there. Ever."
He put it in his pocket, confused. "Alright. What now?"
"You return to your lodgings. Tomorrow, afterschool we shall… talk more. Look around the city. Find reasons for you to resist the Call. Discuss your visions. If you have any future knowledge that might help protect them, I wish to know it."
He nodded. "I… will try. I only know what 'I' see in those visions. I have little idea of things not around me."
"Anything. We both wish to protect them. We will be friends and allies, Nagisa-san."
"…then can you call me Kaworu?"
Rei stared at him. She could hear the naked need and loneliness in his voice, and even more, see the odd flickers in even the chaotic strangeness of his light. "As you… yes."
He brightened. "May I call you by name as well?"
"You may call me Ayanami."
+++
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The Fourth Monado
S U B A R A S H I I
- Location
- Away
Ow... my feels...
Turing Decidable
𝕘𝕒𝕣𝕗
- Location
- Belgium
- Pronouns
- He/Him
A&T!Kaworu is what you get when you turn canon!Shinji up to eleven. Can even Rei hugs save him?
The first person to make a reference to WHAT'S IN THE BOX gets their head stuffed in a box
The first person to make a reference to WHAT'S IN THE BOX gets their head stuffed in a box
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grommile
nasty-minded old cynic
- Location
- NERV-Mercia
- Pronouns
- Traditional/Animate
I shall assume that the answer is not the one given in the "Wheel of Fish" segment of Weird Al's movie UHF, and leave it at that.
The Englanderish
Schrödinger's Kuudere Kitty Caliph(a)
- Location
- Califat de Chats
DEFEATISM!!!!!!
EXECUTE THE LITTLE SHIT!!!!
Have you not been paying attention? You run with a crew that frequently does the 'impossible'.
Is it a hard drive with a few terrabytes of pron?
Don't be so dramatic...it's just a lightbulb.
Ah, so he's been able to see beyond the 4th Wall in some respects. More a curse than a blessing in this case for him though.
A stunning chapter Strypgia. I loved it for all of the emotion packed into it.
Maybe, maybe not. But she's going to damn well try her best.
- Location
- Canada
I see that pun. Don't think you can hide such things from me. Also, when did Kaworu watch Marx brothers?
Isn't that exactly what he wants?
The Englanderish
Schrödinger's Kuudere Kitty Caliph(a)
- Location
- Califat de Chats
AND HIS LITTLE FRIENDS TOO!!!!
Kaworu: "Er... you know, I suddenly feel much more optimistic..."
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The Englanderish
Schrödinger's Kuudere Kitty Caliph(a)
- Location
- Califat de Chats
Tbh, I actually suspect that it will turn out to be something quite sweet and touching.Did... did she just give him her underwear?