Wait, which one's the girl and which one's the boy?
He could hear them for blocks before he got there, faintly. By the time he walked up to her door, the music and their songs were just pouring out like an exuberant flood. He made it as far as the kitchen before his other sight resolved the glow into a sharp picture of Ayanami, Miss Soryu, and Shinji-kun sitting in Ayanami's living room, intently playing
Beethoven's string trio in G Major, Op 9/1.
Beutiful.
The cello effortlessly passed the lead to the violin, who passed it to the viola. Back and forth, weaving in and out of each other, handing the lead off over and over... and the whole time Miss Soryu and Shinji-kun shone like small suns, their souls dancing with each other as much as the music.
And Ayanami... Ayanami orbiting around them, resonating in tune with them, glowing and humming to his other hearing like the most tantalizing siren in the world.
Yup. That's teenage fantasizing at work.
He stopped in his tracks. Tears began to flow. It was too much. He was beautiful. They were beautiful. And she... she was beautiful.
She shone. He had to... had to see more. He stuck just enough of his head around the corner to see her.
It was a mistake. She looked even better than in his other sight and hearing alone.
So no 'ruining the moment'.
The completely serene look on her face, the graceful sway to her arms as she played, the tiny, heartbreaking smile on her lips... All of it because of the ones she played with. She looked happy, and loved. She radiated it. She was the full moon in a starlit sky, serene and gorgeous and unreachable. As she had ever been, and would be.
'They are so wonderful together. How could I ever... ever dare to think I could... be that one. To earn that look from her. How did I dare? Stupid, stupid fish, just as she calls you.'
... did we swap characters? When did Shinji start talking?
The music went on, like a rolling river, energy and motion and inexorable pull.
'You threaten the death of all she loves just by being alive. You know your fate. And when has it ever been her?'
'How did you ever dare imagine yourself worthy?'
*clicks link*
Lyrics said:
I still recall the taste of your tears
Echoing your voice just like the ringing in my ears
My favorite dreams of you still wash ashore
Scraping through my head 'till I don't want to sleep anymore
You make this all go away
You make this all go away
I'm down to just one thing, and I'm starting to scare myself
You make this all go away
You make this all go away
I just want something
I just want something I can never have
You always were the one to show me how
Back then I couldn't do the things that I can do now
This thing is slowly take me apart
Grey would be the color if I had a heart
Bolded sections are relevant.
He had no idea how long he stood there, silently letting the tears roll down his cheeks, at once reveling in the joy pouring off them and aching that it was utterly beyond his reach. Every note was a joy and another sharp, piercing reminder of his loneliness.
Too much. Too much. He turned to leave, to flee, but his violin case bumped against the chairs beside the table, causing enough clatter to be heard over the music, which stumbled to a halt.
"Kaworu-kun? Come in, we were waiting for you," Shinji's voice called to him. He stopped.
Aaaand here we go.
Crimson eyes met his, unreadable. Her face was as perfect and blank a mask as ever. Neither of them said anything for a moment. Then she stepped back and aside, gesturing him in. "Please come in, Nagisa-san. We... would like you to play with us."
He wanted to run. He wanted to scream at her. To throw his violin at her and demand to know why she was doing this when she had told him to go. Just looking at her made the Call surge in the back of his mind, along with the urge to attack his Lilithian opposite.
Kaworu's a bit of an emotional wreck.
He forced a smile to his face, and quickly wiped away the traces of his tears. "Of course, Ayanami-san. I would be happy to."
She nodded, a sharp flicker of understanding passing across her face. That somehow hurt too. But... a little less.
So Rei immediately knows what's up with Kaworu.
"We've got to get going, though," Asuka put in. "We need to leave now to hit the shops for the meat and things for Misato's dinner." To Kaworu's inquisitive look, Asuka explained, "It's Misato's birthday tonight, and my sweet baka here has promised her a birthday dinner almost as good as mine. But we need to get moving now in order to make it back in time to cook. We'll play later tomorrow."
They picked up their instrument cases and headed for the door. "Oh, you're invited too, Kaworu-kun," Shinji called back. "Misato-san said it was fine."
"That's ah... very kind of her, Shinji-kun," he said, packing up his own violin. "But I..."
A slender hand on his shoulder stopped his polite refusal in his mouth. He looked at Ayanami, who shook her head silently. "Come," she said, softly.
1. Rei just invited Kaworu to a family event.
2. Misato can now grill Kaworu about '
wanting to date Rei'.
"Go ahead, Asuka. I wish to speak to Nagisa-san for a bit," she said, her eyes never leaving his.
"Alright! We'll see you when we get back!" The door beeped closed as they left. The apartment dimmed only slightly as their light receded.
His skin burned and tingled under the warmth of her hand. He shook it off and stepped back. "Why?"
"To apologize."
"To apologize," he echoed hollowly.
... Heavy FEELZ incoming. Shields are not sufficient!
"Yes." She turned away for a moment, packing her viola. "I... was unprepared for... what happened. I suddenly... understood your pain. And I could not bear it. So I told you to leave, and I am sorry."
"Sorry?! Sorry?! I nearly walked to the Geofront and did what I'm constantly afraid I'll do before my conscious mind even caught up with the pain! I asked you, that day, if I was your friend! You said yes! And then... and then you told me to go! To stop being your friend! I..."
Rei's back was still to him. "I'm sorry," she said, still softer.
Remember how I said Kaworu was an emotional wreck? This, everything here onward, is his breakdown.
"I just asked you... begged you to be my friend! To not leave me to suffer alone! Not to love me, not to see your body, not anything but what you'd already said I was! And you told me to leave!"
"I know."
"Why did you hug me?!"
She stood silently with her back still to him until long after the echoes of his shout faded. She turned around, red eyes finally meeting his.
"Because... you needed it. And I..." She looked aside. "Because I could... ease your pain. By showing you you were... not alone."
That's... going to need more than cuddles.
"I am! You... you know I am! And how much it hurts! And now I know that... that losing that.. feeling that you are not alone feels even worse. "
"I was alone. And numbed so I would not care about the pain that it brought me every second. Until they saved me, and showed me what being... cared for could be like. I... I'm sorry. I was unready for the recognition that you are... just like me. Alone, half-Lilim, half something else, created and meant to be just a tool in another's plot for Instrumentality. Hurting. I could not bear it... I made you leave because... I thought it would hurt less. But it did not."
She stepped closer, her head down a little, hiding her eyes under the fringe of her hair. He almost raised his arms defensively.
"I stopped myself. From going down there. By... hope. That you were... not beyond my reach. A friend," he said. "By... remembering the feel of you. Of being held. I'd... I'd never been hugged before."
1. Rei wants to make up for her mistake and ease both their pain.
2. I shouldn't be surprised, but that little detail still stings.
She was very close now. Her head rose, her eyes meeting his again. "No one should be... that alone," she said. "Never?"
"You think the SEELE lab technicians that created me did? Or anyone in NERV-Berlin? I... you are a torment, Ayanami-san. You are... you understand, you are so beautiful, you distract me from the Call... and then you... push me away, ignore me, and... you have no idea how painfully beautiful you were today."
"Painfully?"
"Yes, painfully! It... it hurts to look at you, be near you! You... you are... You saw what happened when I came in and saw you! You... you have no idea how... you blaze when you are near them! And they... they are even more! I... I don't know if I want to... to be you, or be them!"
"Be... them?" Rei said, confused.
Kaworu wants Shinji, Kaworu wants Asuka, Kaworu wants Rei, Kaworu wants OT4.
"They love you! I can see it!" Kaworu's hands clawed at this hair in frustration. "You... you hugged me and said I was your friend and I felt so much better but then you said no and told me to leave and it hurt and I almost went down there and I hate you and I want to hug again I've never been hugged before so alone it hurts you made me leave it hurts it's never been like this before I don't know what to do-"
"Stop," Rei said, putting her hands on his shoulders.
"DON'T TOUCH ME!"
Rei jumped backwards in shock, her jaw dropping.
This... is the first time I think I've ever seen Kaworu
yell at someone.
Kaworu stood there panting, his hands clenching over and over. The panting was still an improvement over the near panic-breathing he'd been rapidly moving towards.
Rei stood still, a bit more than arm's reach back, face still frozen in alarm. She slowly relaxed to her usual blank mask as Kaworu's breathing slowed. "I was trying to help. You were about to... burst."
Yeah, Tang is very hard to clean out of carpeting.
"I... realize. Th-thank you. But... I am... having difficulty suppressing the instinct to regard you as an enemy right now. S-sorry," he said carefully. "And... it still hurts."
"I apologize. You are... too much like me. I... feared the pain of empathizing with you, and sent you away. It only increased your own."
"Yes. I... you understood. But then still rejected me. I... the Call is... very seductive when... I feel that bad. It... it promises an end to my pain." His hands curled into tight, shaking fists. "And... an end to my pain is becoming... very, very attractive."
Aaaaand there's that suicidal creep factor again.
"Don't-"
"I know!" he exploded. "I know! I don't want to kill everyone! But... it feels so right in the back of my head! An end to my pain, a filling of that burning, terrible emptiness inside me! I won't feel alone anymore!" He was panting again. "And then I come here and see you with them and remember that means killing all of you and wiping out their light and yours and..." His head sank. "I just want it to stop hurting. I don't know how much longer I can stand this. This thing is slowly taking me apart."
Rei stepped closer again. Very cautiously, she took his left hand in her right. "You are not alone."
Desperate eyes locked on hers.
"You... are friendly, cultured, a talented musician, and attractive. You are not... bad. Kaworu Nagisa is... my friend," Rei said slowly.
"......but Tabris is your enemy," Kaworu finished.
My psyche can't repel FEELZ of this magnitude.
She nodded. She pulled him by the hand towards the chairs they had been using when playing. Seating him in one, she pulled her own closer to face him directly. She stared at him for a moment. "Your pain is... intense, constant, and increasing."
He nodded.
"And... anything that promises an end to that is... hard to ignore."
He licked dry lips. "Yes."
"And it hurts that I rejected you, and... to be around me?" Rei sounded more cautious now. "I understand, partly... I think."
He fiddled with his violin case, still in his other hand, before putting it on the floor. "You... you are very attractive. Beautiful. And... you understand. You said you were my friend... You said..." He swallowed. "That you are just like me. I... it is not just your body..." He started to hunch in on himself. "I wish... I was not me. What I am. Then... you might... we might..." He pinched his eyes shut.
They reach an understanding, and Kaworu goes through a very unique yet familiar development in a teenager's life: Not being happy with themselves/their body/identity.
Rei sat perfectly still, like a cat about to bolt. "That is... not possibl-"
"I know. I know there are a thousand reasons why that is impossible. Beyond foolish. I... have no idea what to do. It has never been like this before!"
Rei's look sharpened. "You said that before. And... 'All this has happened before'. Explain."
He took a deep breath. "My body is Lilim, but also not. My mind is... even more mixed. I suspect weak quantum entanglement with other worlds due to proximity to Second Impact."
"Explain," Rei pressed.
... Peggy sue shit is imminent.
"I have met Shinji Ikari before. Loved him. I think. I have seen myself die a hundred times, usually by his hand. I think." He looked up and blinked at the obvious rising frustration in her expression. "I have... visions. Déjà vu. I don't know. Just... not the future. Other futures. Not this world. But usually alike enough I can... get a general idea. When I can remember them. They're like... barely more than dream fragments."
So as usual, the Angels remember parts, and Kaworu's recollection is very vague.
Kaworu threw his hands up. "It's completely unlike them! I came here 'knowing' what Shinji Ikari was like! And you! And... all of this! Butnone of it is! He's happy! With her! They love each other with every breath! And you are..." He waved his hands at her. "Alive! Beautiful! Vivid! So much unlike the other Rei Ayanami's I've seen! And none of this is... I have no idea what to do! This... this isn't what I expected, not even close! There's...there's so much here I want to see, to... to live... I stupidly, clumsily asked you out because I wanted to. I... I thinkI've loved Shinji. The other me's, I don't know. But... when I look at them, look at you with them, I realize I don't understand anything about love at all. But... I..." He collapsed again. "I wish I was not me, so I could... find out. With you, with him, them, anyone. Not... not a tool for the end of the world that I see that has people like you and them in it."
More dissatisfaction with himself, and Kaworu contrasts with canon Eva.
Rei stared at him for a long time. She rose. "We will discuss this more later. For now, stand up."
He did, puzzled. His confusion only increased when she stepped closer and he was enveloped in the second hug of his life. He stiffened, then forced himself to relax. She was... warm.
Insert thermal exp-
Daaaaaw. That's too adorable to make a sex joke out of it.
"You are not alone. You are my friend. And theirs. I... cannot say that a part of me does not hate you and scream for your destruction. But... if you were not Tabris, I would not... dismiss it out of hand if you asked me out again," Rei said carefully. "I love them. I will do whatever is necessary to protect them. I... will stop you, if it comes to that. But I will... do my best to make it swift and painless. And I will mourn your memory."
A laugh that was almost a sob escaped him. "I'm being hugged by a beautiful girl, she's promising to kill me, and it's still the best thing I've felt all week."
Hey, that seems to be how your luck in women goes.
"You find me beautiful," she said. "This is flattering."
He nodded. "My body... keeps making suggestions. Urges. But... more. I... want to be near you. Near him. Near them. "
"I... believe you when you say... you think of me and my body to distract you from the Call. I... will try not to... react as harshly."
Daaaaaaw.
He gave her a very weak smile. "'If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me'?" he quoted.
"Do not push your luck, Rainbow Trout."
Not everything's changed.
"Why do you call me that?"
"Because you are a stupid fish who looks funny in my Sight. And that is a mark of friendship. This is why Asuka used to call me Wondergirl." Rei considered. "Why she used to after she stopped using it as a fear-generated insult, anyhow. You are a friend, so I will refer to you by a nickname."
His smile was a little less shaky. "Do I get to call you-"
"No."
"....why?"
"I am not a stupid fish."
rofl:
He shivered in her arms. "Thank you. For this. And the music. I feel much better."
"You are welcome. This... helps prevent Tabris from overtaking Kaworu Nagisa. I can accept it as part of that."
He hesitantly raised his arms and gingerly hugged her back. "I... apologize again. I have no right to expect you to... let me touch you, stare at you, demand your care, not even as... a strange sort of way to fight my Adamite side. It is an unfair burden to place on you."
"I am aware. The pressure to do so... can poison any actual friendship we develop. I... do not hold it against you, and will try to ignore it. It can be just as selfish from my side: I could pretend all of this in the name of keeping them safe. I do not think either of us are that dishonest, however."
Rei and Kaworu are honest with each other. That is a
massive development in their relationship.
He shook his head a little. "I... very much do not want to be dishonest with you. I have few enough relationships of any kind to want to jeopardize them like that. I will not require anything of you. But I will thank you." His laugh was a bit more shaky. "I... I wish I was not who I am. I do not like not being able to tell Shinji-kun who I am too. I want him... to see who I really am. I... I hate it when he hates me... in the visions. I wish... I was... not me."
"Then we must find a way to change that."
He laughed a bit louder, but even sadder. "How? Become someone else? Something else? Or learn to like being doomed? That sounds easier than changing what I fundamentally am: The soul of Adam in a body that only half belongs on this world."
Well, according to Rits there is a way. Now hold still so I can cut off your bal-
... I'M TALKING ABOUT YOUR S2 ORGAN YOU BIG BABY! STOP RUNNING!
"I do not know. But we will try. I do not want to have to kill a friend. And you, you stupid, annoying fish, have… become such. You bastard."
His laugh this time was less dark. "You say the strangest things when we are close like this, Ayanami-san."
She let go of him and stepped back. "Get used to it. I have discovered one of the pleasures of having friends is the concurrent ability to 'mess with them'."
*represses sex joke*
She sat back down in her chair. "Now… explain why you are so sure Shinji will kill you in those visions. Why him?"
He sat, shrugging. "I am not completely sure. They are fragmentary, but congruent. I reach a point where I cannot suppress the Call any longer, and attempt to… fulfill my purpose. You are there sometimes, too, but it is he that stops me with Unit-01. I am… relieved when he does, and," he closed his eyes, "I ask him to kill me. That he should live, because he and the Lilim deserve to go on. It is… it feels like all I can do."
Hm... now I kinda feel bad about my earlier snippit bashing that scene.
"But things are not as you expected. They are different. This is cause for hope. You can fight the Call," Rei replied.
"It's… hard."
Rei cocked her head. "Perhaps. Remain here."
She rose and went into her bedroom, emerging a minute later with a small, flat box, no larger than her hand. "Here. Keep this. If there is a night when the Call is strong, open it, and… use it to help fight. Or call me. I am… not unused to midnight calls for help from those in crisis."
Wonder what's i-
He took the box, examining it. "What is it?"
Rei just looked at him coolly. "I do not wish to… spoil it. Do not open it until and unless you must, however. And do not discuss what you find in there. Ever."
... I think I know what's in there. But I can't actually say it.
Well, that was one hell of an emotional roller-coaster. Good work on that Stryp.
