My usual rule is "criticism in private, praise in public", so normally I would post something like this in a DM. On the other hand, I feel like perhaps it is better to do it publicly in this case because I suspect that
@RandomOTP could use the support and that it might help someone else to think about how things come across and how to find prosocial ways to phrase them.
I am sorry for what I said earlier. I misunderstood how long the research cycles were and I misinterpreted your very reasonable objection to using a very limited resouce on something you believed to be a complete waste to be an objection to using one of nearly a hundred available slots that otherwise would not have been used for other research. I felt unfairly targeted by what you said, and responded uncharitably. That was not how I should have responded and I am sorry.
I never attempted to frighten you into doing what I wanted, and it feels very inflammatory to charecterize what I said as "social intimidation." I feel hurt by your insinuation that I am habitually socially agressive, and I would appriecate if you do not say that again.
I'm frustrated by the way this conversation is going and I'm going to try to break it down point-by-point in hopes that it will help get the message across and make it easy to digest.
General point: Bomb, from where I sit you are the one causing this problem, whereas
@RandomOTP has been about as courteous as it's possible for them to have been under the circumstances. You know me fairly well after all this time and hopefully you think that I'm relatively charitable and impartial. If you think I'm wrong that you are the source of the problem, or if you think that I'm being unfair in my assessment, then I suggest that you sleep on it, then tomorrow go back and re-read the full discussion, then seriously think about it for five minutes by the clock to see if you can figure out why I am having that reaction. If you still can't get it, ping me on Discord. I may not be able to respond quickly but I'm really hoping that it's not a necessary conversation; you're a smart guy and really should be able to figure this out.
Specifics:
When you are in the middle of writing an apology post and literally the previous paragraph consisted of "I misunderstood...and...misinterpreted", it's a bad look to immediately transition into criticism and a claim that the other person is doing something wrong. If you find yourself doing that, stop and think about whether you are making the same mistake that you apologized for in literally the last few seconds.
If you still think you're right to do it, consider whether it needs to be said in public. Perhaps it would be better to make the apology for
your mistake in public and reach out in private to discuss what you view as
their mistake in a separate forum where you aren't injecting trouble into the main thread.
Regarding the part where you said "I never attempted to frighten you into doing what I wanted": I think this was written with good intent but bad delivery. A more accurate statement would be "I never
intended to...." ROTP told you that this is how your post came across. If you say you didn't do it then you are implicitly saying that ROTP is being oversensitive, or misunderstanding, or etc. You're saying that it's their fault that they were hurt/worried/upset/irritated by your words, not your fault for what you wrote. I think this was simply poor phrasing on your part and not that you were trying to devalue ROTP's position. Easy thing to do in text where tone and intent get lost so easily, but it's still important to be aware of the difference between "I didn't" and "I didn't intend to".
Regarding the line "I feel hurt by your insinuation that I am habitually socially agressive": Bomb,
I feel that you are habitually socially aggressive. Or, saying it more accurately, I feel that you are frequently thoughtless with your word choice and don't realize how aggressive it comes off. Communicating by text is hard. Tone is lost, nuance is lost, intent is easy to misread. It requires effort to communicate clearly
and it is the writer's job to be clear, not the reader's job to be charitable. Yes, we should all read as charitably as possible but if your audience is having to be charitable then, as the kids say, you done fucked up.
Here's my suggestion: reframe this topic into a positive for yourself.
- You screwed up, you apologized like the decent person I believe you to be. Win! This shows real maturity.
- RandomOTP pointed out that they did not like the way you were referencing a 'this has consequences' post and asked that you not do it again. Cool. I'm sure this initially felt like you were being unfairly accused or something, but try reframing it for yourself: ROTP told you about a place where you were not communicating what you intended to communicate and, by implication, they helped you find a way that you can improve your communication skills. Win! They did you a favor, if you look at it in the right light.
- I'm calling you out for being the source of this issue and pointing out that you likely don't recognize how often you come off as aggressive. I'm certain it doesn't feel great to read that, but again it can be seen as a positive. You're being given a chance to get stronger at a critical skill (written communication), a skill that I promise is going to impact your career and your friends/family relationships over and over for the rest of your life.
Hopefully this helped. I don't want to do a big deep-dive on it and relitigate the whole thing, but I'm always around on Discord if you need to drop a word on the subject.