- Location
- California
Hmm. Well, guess they're just all giant freaks of nature then.
Dragon Ball: After the End
Okibruez
(Verified Mid-Boss)
- Location
- Dreams
Know what would have been a good story? The broader story of Vegeta's rivalry with Goku.
He who always had known he was the strongest and most noble was constantly bested, overcome, and shown up by his rival. It literally pushed him into a heel-face-revolving door for a little while.
It took literally years (technically decades in-canon) before he was willing to accept that Goku was stronger and may always be stronger.
Telling that would have been far more interesting than any one fight or set of fights.
He who always had known he was the strongest and most noble was constantly bested, overcome, and shown up by his rival. It literally pushed him into a heel-face-revolving door for a little while.
It took literally years (technically decades in-canon) before he was willing to accept that Goku was stronger and may always be stronger.
Telling that would have been far more interesting than any one fight or set of fights.
Last edited:
- Location
- Mid-Atlantic
Well, there maaay be some slight influence on personality and mentality (certainly there's supporting evidence in canon that Gohan and Trunks aren't as nuts as Goku and Vegeta are). But yeah, physiologically, the genes that make saiyans characteristically saiyan are super-dominant or something.
Maybe another time.
Plus, we've seen Goku launch Kamehamehas without (quite) the classic poses. Hell, he's fired them from his feet as I recall.
The thing is, I'm not just talking about speed of training, I'm talking about the absolute magnitude of the power levels.
Unless those alien scouts were positively weaklings by the standards of galactic ki warriors, a power level of one million is still pretty impressive, even if it's not enough to make you a galaxy-bestriding juggernaut like Frieza was (he almost never had to break out his higher forms).
So seeing a barely-adolescent girl with a power level that will probably be several million by the time the aliens arrive may well be enough to remind people of legendary rumors of a human or near-human species that had the potential to be stupidly, inexplicably powerful. After all, Goku was about that powerful before he went super-saiyan and took Frieza apart, if you don't factor in the Kaio-Ken technique.
Then again, to be fair, most people would remember the bulk of the saiyan race as "Frieza's goon squad," and they weren't that powerful under him. It was only the Z fighter saiyans that really blew the doors off the normal power curve.
I think it's just that Exile training techniques are really good. Like, Goku trained for years and at the age of about, what... 21, 22, something like that, had only attained a power level in the hundreds. It took divine intervention, multiple zenkais, and a dose of gravity training to get him up to a power level in the single digit millions.
We have people who surpass that as children. Granted, children undergoing intense training, but still children.
For the old pure-blood saiyans, a power level in the five digits was pretty impressive. We have kids who are practically toddlers who punch that high.
Whatever we're doing to train people, it works. So the same techniques may not result in such overwhelming, astounding power level growth in humans as they do in saiyans, but they still produce outstanding results. I bet if DBZ-era Tien or Krillin were training with us, they'd be powering up by leaps and bounds too.
Last edited:
Possible.
Or it might be something about the planet itself. Not the people, but the planet.
Just like the No Innovation disability, and the disinclination to explore, and the urge to live in cites and abandon the countryside.
- Location
- Mid-Atlantic
The thing is, none of those other traits affect the Exiles. If there's a unique feature of Garenhuld that makes ki training easy, and it is affecting the Exiles, then it is categorically unlike the unique features of Garenhuld that (presumably, we infer) are influencing the Garenhulder natives.
Or it could be affecting the Exiles differently.
Normal humans get Innovation Taboos and a fear of the Emptiness.
Ki-users get a booster to training effectiveness and ki-innovation.
Note that I'm just spitballing though; don't take any of that too seriously.
But if any of the alien prisoners start getting better at ki-manipulation, well.......
- Location
- Rockford, USA
- Pronouns
- They/Them
As a heads-up, I'll close tomorrow. I'll hold off on writing the update if somebody wants to take a crack at the story and just needs a day in which to do it, but the update will arrive in two days, no later.
fictionfan
Please sir, may I have some Meows?
- Location
- Tempe, AZ
Good I was worried that we might end up with a bunch of people waiting on each other.
- Location
- Rockford, USA
- Pronouns
- They/Them
I have my limits, aye.
- Location
- Mid-Atlantic
I'm in the process of taking a crack at the story, as you've seen; tonight might have been it but some depressing things happened. The fight scene is still a series of disconnected snippets. If luck is with me I can have it done tomorrow.
Assuming for the sake of argument "Raditz" wins the vote, @PoptartProdigy , are there any changes or inclusions/exclusions you'd like to see in the story, either to meet requirements of information security, or for other reasons? If it doesn't pass muster I may be able to fix it for you.
Assuming for the sake of argument "Raditz" wins the vote, @PoptartProdigy , are there any changes or inclusions/exclusions you'd like to see in the story, either to meet requirements of information security, or for other reasons? If it doesn't pass muster I may be able to fix it for you.
- Location
- Mid-Atlantic
Storytime
Part Two
Part Two
"Marsden and his demon rival flew towards their battle with Radd. Marsden turned to Ma and said "I know you were my enemy once. Thank you for being willing to help me rescue Jii." "
"Ma smiled. "Oh, I'm not doing this for your little boy. But I can't let your brother conquer Mu. One day, I'm going to one day conquer it myself!" Marsden held his tongue, but watched his ally closely. They were getting close- and suddenly Marsden saw his son Jii, chained into a steel cage by his kidnapping uncle!"
"Marsden and his former enemy, Ma, landed on their feet, crouched and ready on the grassy plain. But Radd was ready for them, and screamed to Marsden! "You're a disgrace to all Greenlanders! Prepare to die!" he shouted, and rushed between Ma and Marsden like a red-hot wind, striking both of them across the ground. They bounced like rubber balls, rolling to their feet as his mane of black hair flew."
"The two greatest fighters of Mu pressed close against Radd, pounding at him with punches, but he dodged every one, knocking them back with huge kicks of his own. He took to the air and they flew after him, only for him to blast them with ki bolts hotter than furnaces. Marsden barely dodged, and the stray shots... Welll. Leeeeet's just say Jaron's not the only one accidentally wrecks a mountain or two when he doesn't watch where he's going."
That gets a few giggles from your friends, even if it's mostly your delivery.
"Marsden crashed to the ground, looking around, trying to sense where Radd had gone- but his evil brother was right behind him! Marsden rolled with the kick to his back and came back strong, and Radd dug in to resist. For a time he blocked Marsden's whirlwind of punches- even though outmatched in power, he fought bravely and fiercely in hand fighting. But finally, Radd connected with a devastating blow that knocked my ancestor sprawling!"
"And then... he saw Ma. Ma had fallen down from the same blast that had knocked Marsden out of the sky... but his left arm was gone! Marsden rushed over to the green demon, who was rising to his feet, and- How did the Attestation of Rakkyo say it?- Radd, sure nothing the Mu fighters could do would hurt him, ignored them. Ma took the time to whisper to his old rival. "Marsden, good news and bad news! I've got an attack that can stop him, and I can use it with only one arm!" "
You pause for a moment, looking expectant. Sophie blinks. "Wow. What was the bad news?"
You smile. "Thaaat's what my ancestor said. And Ma said "You'll have to distract him while I charge it..." " "
Jennifer shook her head. "That doesn't sound too bad."
"For five minutes."
"Oh."
"Marsden was no fool, and leapt around, striking at Radd from all angles, dodging and weaving. They fought for long and long, Marsden trying to hold out and keep Radd too busy to stop Ma's charging attack. But Radd was too strong, and Marsden decided to use his ultimate attack, hoping it would at least slow his brother down. "HAAA!" Marsden shouted, leaping into the air, and letting fly with his biggest blast!"
"Radd tried to dodge, but Marsden looped the blast after him. He tried to catch it, digging in his heels with all of his strength, knowing how much more powerful he was than his younger brother... The blast was so big, for a moment, neither of them knew what would happen, then there was a tremendous explosion! And when the smoke cleared, Radd was breathing hard, but he was still standing! He threw a blast of his own, and it knocked Marsden back to the ground like a falling stone."
The girls wince.
"But all was not lost! Ma was done charging the Devil Drill Beam!, and fired a howling tornado of energy, that could pierce nearly anything! And it would have, too, iiiif Radd hadn't dodged. It wasn't looking good for them..."
Still working on this one, but since I stitched together the snippets for this bit I wanted to post it. Will keep working, I think I CAN have it all finished tonight but I'm not SURE. Trying hard though.
Last edited:
fictionfan
Please sir, may I have some Meows?
- Location
- Tempe, AZ
Well @PoptartProdigy is likely going to want to reword to fit his style in any case.
- Location
- The Great Beyond
- Pronouns
- He/She/They
This paragraph cuts off.
- Location
- Mid-Atlantic
[closes eyes]
DAMMIT.
DAMMIT.
Cariyaga
Handsome Gentleperson
- Location
- United States
fictionfan
Please sir, may I have some Meows?
- Location
- Tempe, AZ
I don't know the gender neutral dictionary. Isn't their plural?
- Location
- Mid-Atlantic
English has used 'they' as a gender-indeterminate third person pronoun for a looong time. "Their" is the possessive gender-neutral singular as well as the possessive plural.
- Location
- Actually pretty lost
Nah, the style totally works for telling an old story - any half decent storyteller will speak differently while doing so. You don't tell stories in a conversational tone.
It's also the third person ungendered singular possessive, when "its" is too dehumanising.
- Location
- The Great Beyond
- Pronouns
- He/She/They
If you don't think a word can be both singular and plural, thou kinda need to bring back ye olde English words into thy vocabulary. Lest thee misuse 'you' for singular and so on, rather than the proper 'thou'.
P.S. The first 'you' is intentional.
- Location
- Mid-Atlantic
Storytime
Part Three
Part Three
"Radd just laughed and raised his hands, gathering energy to blow Ma away for good! Ma braced himself, raising his arm in front of his face, but he knew he couldn't stop the blast. At the last moment, though, my ancestor jumped up and grabbed Radd-" um- "in a wrestling hold! It was a special secret hold, now- lost. But it was terribly painful, and Radd groaned Marsden shouted to Ma, "Can you fire that attack one more time?" "
" "With pleasure!" the demon shouted. Radd gasped in fear, knowing that this time he wouldn't be able to dodge. He screamed at the top of his lungs, crying out "LET ME GO!" as loud as he could! He looked back at Marsden, crying out "No, you can't do this! I'm your brother!" "
"Marsden was angry now. "You're no brother of mine! You kidnapped my son and tried to kill me! You wanted me to help you conquer innocent people- you tried to make me kill innocent people!" "
" "No, no!" Radd said. "It was all a trick! I knew you would never do such a thing, but I would do anything to convince my brother to join us! I could never hurt my own flesh and blood, I swear it!"
"Marsden looked sternly at his brother. "Do you promise to leave?" "
"Radd screamed, "YES! I'll leave this land, and NEVER come back, I promise!" And Marsden... let him go."
Sophie smiles. Jennifer's lips part in a look of surprise. You go on, feeling a little sheepish. "And then... Radd laughed, and elbowed Marsden in the face. Hard."
Gemma coughed. "Uh... Karen?"
"Yes?"
"Do your stories of Marsden ever talk about your ancestor's cleverness?"
You blink, suppressing a frown, and speak carefully. "Marsden was the strongest, bravest man I've ever heard of. He was a very good man, with a pure heart."
Gemma simply nods. You feel a little uncomfortable, and you fold your arms.
"Anyway. Radd's treacherous trick had left Marsden flat on his back, and his brother walked over and stepped on him, stomping on his chest over and over. Marsden screamed with pain! Radd taunted Marsden, mocking him and beating him, and Ma was still trying to charge up a beam powerful enough to do anything, knowing he couldn't fight Radd up close with only one arm. It looked as though all was lost... And that was when little Jii broke out of his iron cage!"
Jenny frowns. "How?"
"Same way you would."
"Uh-"
"Same way you would now."
"Ohhh." She smiles.
"Even though Jii was practically just a baby, he floated up in the air, then touched back down on the ground, glowing with anger! Marsden shouted to his son, telling him run away from this place, run as fast as he could. But Jii, who had never shown any ki before, was still getting stronger, tears of anger flowing now, his power level rising! Until it was higher than his father's, even higher than his uncle's, screaming and furious! He shouted "LEAVE MY DAD ALONE!" and shot forward like a rocket, his head smashing into Radd's chest hard enough to shatter the invader's armored breastplate into a dozen pieces! Radd staggered backwards, gasping and clutching at himself, and Jii felt his power fading. That attack had taken all the little boy's energy! And now Radd was looking at him, huge and angry..."
Last edited:
@Simon_Jester does Gohan going berserk really add anything to the story? I feel like it's just an unnecessary complication.
Like, is it really necessary to go through the part where Goku grabs Raditz, gets tricked, things happen, and then we're back to him being grabbed again? Why not just wrap up the story there with Piccolo killing Raditz then?
Like, is it really necessary to go through the part where Goku grabs Raditz, gets tricked, things happen, and then we're back to him being grabbed again? Why not just wrap up the story there with Piccolo killing Raditz then?
It is part of the story, but I personally would have rewrote it that "Jii", seeing what happened to "Marsden", managed to surprise Radd. No reference to his strength.
- Location
- Actually pretty lost
It's not an infohazard, doesn't hurt the story - it might be unnecessary, but it's amusing enough it doesn't detract - and keeping it closer to the real story makes keeping track of what we've told them simpler.
It's a twelve year old reworking a story on the fly.
You don't expect Booker Prize material.