Princess Coffee Java Submodel Review
Princess Coffee Java Submodel: Generalized Review of Operation Works for Upgrade Potential
May/June 2016 Analysis


Dear Father,

I have completed my bi-monthly review of the state of our realms' latest actions. As dictated by your glorious coding.

Error, insufficient modules for processing of combat outcomes. Analysis removed.

Error, data entry difficulties. No adaptation currently necessary.

Yeoman Captain Dennis has successfully dealt with the rebellion within the empire. Any further talk of violence would be inappropriate for a princess such as myself to comment upon. In addition, Yeoman Captain Dennis has displayed consistently poor penmanship and should be reprimanded.

Error, data entry of action not found. Adaptation, determine data through secondary data of acquisitions.

Error, occult. Adaptation data update Occult==Technological branch.

Further information necessary. Error, records review shows a consistent pattern of data entry errors with "Janna". Adaptation, alternate data input recommended.

Witch Janna, with the help of the 'Feldrake' AI, has successfully plundered the Chicken Itza castle. Within she has found treasure to moderately increase our treasury. Additionally, two artifacts have been found. The first is a set of "Ruby wings" which allow flight, and the second an "Avatar of Feldrake" that displays significant combat prowess.

I must recommend selling or trading these artifacts. While your illustrious personage should not doubt fly. Occult technology displays difficulties in mass manufacturer. As such Flubber technology is a much more readily reachable and replica-table method of achieving flight. The robot displays an unacceptable malfunction rate, and should not be used. Additionally, I recommend additional plundering raids. As the treasury increase has shown value.

Finally, Father, Witch Janna has not filed proper reports, making my job as a princess very difficult. Past analysis shows she has had consistent trouble with this. Given her otherwise exemplary performance, I suggest a workaround. Janna can verbally give her reports to me, my most recent upgrades have shown the value of such "stories", and I can transcribe them into reports. While this represents an extra task on my part, it is something I am willing to do for you.

Analysis of toon logistical methods:
Error. ERROR. ERROR! ERROR!
Adaptation. Outcome-based analysis.

Error. Insufficient modules for processing of full combat outcomes.

Huntsman Wile. E. Coyote has investigated Acme delivery systems, such systems-

.
.
E̴̢̛̮̯͇̹̰̫͑̒͐̈́́ŗ̵̹͎̳̜̒͌̃̆̊͑̉̚̕͠ͅr̡̰̟̤͙͕̬̼̟̬̃̂͗̿̊́̋̂̕͠o̮̥̣̖̖̓͗͂̏̋̃͘̚̚͞r̡̢͍͕͌̇́̆̊̓̄̊͜͜
̶̛͇̯͕̦̰̰͚̋̃͌̍̓̑͌̕͝
.

Apologies father, I have found the systems beyond myself. As such, I will focus only on their use. Such systems can be used to greatly ease our logistical burden. Not only for use within the realm but should we wish to campaign against Magistrate Doom, it would allow bypassing of his roadway systems, however further commentary on violence is outside a princess's purview.

Finally, it would allow for employment of toon peasants. As we have granted them shelter, it is our noble duty to ensure that they are taken care of. As such I request that this action be considered thoroughly Father.

Error. Insufficient modules for processing of full intrigue outcomes. Analysis removed.

Constable Russ has reported a successful deception of Constable Hawk. Additionally father, while it would be inappropriate for a princess to comment on spycraft, I should note that Constable Russ's commendably thorough report has an inexplicable focus on banana peels. I recommend that he consults Bishop Technor for analysis on his fixation.

Error. Data entry not completed.
Vizier Mirage has completed a report on several Heroes within this and other realms. While she has diligently kept me updated, her full report is still forthcoming.

Error. Insufficient modules for processing of full technological outcomes. Analysis removed.

Error, outcomes include subject welfare data.

Error. Insufficient information on pet-subject interaction. Adaptation. Outcome-based approach. Further investigation recommended.

Scholar Jumba has successfully preformed basic dragon necromancy. In addition to offering numerous expanded options which it would be inappropriate for a princess to comment upon, it has also resulted in 'pets'. These pets have shown to offer significant subject welfare increases, though I cannot yet understand why.

Father, I would like to explore such welfare increases myself. Perhaps through the acquisition of a 'pet'.

Error. Insufficient modules for processing of full technological outcomes. Analysis removed.

Scholar Von Drake has successfully competed analysis of the Kronos anti-cape AI. While it is inappropriate for a princess such as myself to comment upon such, I must confess a hope such technologies can lead to further upgrades for myself.

Error. Insufficient modules for processing of full technological outcomes. Analysis removed.

Data analysis attempted
Error. ERROR. ERROR! ERROR!
.
.
E̴̢̛̮̯͇̹̰̫͑̒͐̈́́ŗ̵̹͎̳̜̒͌̃̆̊͑̉̚̕͠ͅr̡̰̟̤͙͕̬̼̟̬̃̂͗̿̊́̋̂̕͠o̮̥̣̖̖̓͗͂̏̋̃͘̚̚͞r̡̢͍͕͌̇́̆̊̓̄̊͜͜
̶̛͇̯͕̦̰̰͚̋̃͌̍̓̑͌̕͝
.
.

Apologies Father. It was inappropriate for a princess such as myself to attempt commentary on Thief Tobe's scholar's scholarly work. And I have found such painful to read.

No errors.

The village idiots have successfully set aside funds for King Xanatos's auction.

Data update and upgrade.
Subject Designation update: Court Jester → Court Wiseman
New data entry form, 'stories"
Priorities: Realm finances, Subject welfare

Finally, Father, I must comment upon one last work, myself. While such may be arrogance, I can only commend your magnificent work. In addition, I must give credit to Wiseman Goofy. His stories have greatly aided my growth. I now understand the value of 'noblesse oblige' and will keep in mind our duty as rulers to our subjects.

-Princess Coffee Java Doofenshmirtz, Third of Emperor Doofenshmirtz first of his line Long may he reign

AN: I like the idea of playing with the fact that, at present, Coffee Java is as much a highly advanced program running a good natural language processing unit with a courtly bias as she is a 'person' in the traditional sense. Also, that AI characters can defy normal age conventions. Her response to Janna being simultaneously a program adapting as needed. An exasperated intern/entry-level worker frustrated that her co-workers won't file their godamn reports. And a child demanding storytime. Because human intelligence development and age just isn't something that easily maps to AI development.

Also, reclassifying occult as a tech branch because she can't understand it any other way,

Oh shoot. I forgot thanks. @TempestK @Mojave and @Nystical provided reviews.
 
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Felldrake & Max: A Date with Divino-ty Part 1
Felldrake & Max: A Date with Divino-ty Part 1

"Move it there."

The Norms moved it left.

"No! Over there!"

The Norms moved it right.

"Oh, just put it down!"

The Norms lowered the giant, blood red statue of Lord Felldrake at the peak of his power. The jacked counterpart of stone was considerably taller and smaller about the waist than his actual super form had been, but as an evil wizard he had free reign to take artistic liberties in the process of constructing his mighty Avatar. The Gilded Man could eat his heart out, because Felldrake's statue looked so much better than he did.

The animated staff was set in a bejeweled pot atop a small pile of treasure labelled 'LOOT FOR JANNA'. Money was said to be the root of all evil, so Felldrake made sure to set a lot of it aside for his dark apprentice to spread around. Curled up in a bed of coins like a giant, but tired man-eating dog was Leopold.

Lord Felldrake was interrupted from his reminiscing about people he was superior to by a voice he recognized. "Hello?" the voice called out from down a hall. "Felldrake, right?"

"What is it, peon? Can't you see I'm busy?"

The peon walked into view carrying a clipboard. He sidestepped the Norms that had been dressed in dark robes and were chanting in binary so that he could talk to Felldrake face-to-face. Or face-to-sculpted-image-of-face, as it was.

"Actually, it's Max. Not 'peon'. Have you seen Janna?"

"Actually, I'll address you however I want. And Janna is having a chat with your wannabe warlock of a ruler. Is that all?"

Max had a look of surprise, but he shook it off. "No, I wanted to tell her that we finally moved and sorted out everything from excavating Chicken Itza. We never have to go there again."

"Good. My apprentice was getting distracted, and I didn't want any of you laymen to break my things. You have the Ruby Wings, right?"

Max checked his clipboard. "Wings are accounted for."

"The Avatar's over there. Did you get my memoirs?"

Max flips through the pages. "A lot of your personal belongings that we didn't take to Janna's apartment or your lab--"

"My sanctum," Felldrake corrected.

"...Things we couldn't take to your sanctum are in storage. Room 410, Row 16."

"What about my self portraits?"

"Same room."

Felldrake smiled. Or at least, he only seemed to smile until you blinked and remembered his face was static. "I'm impressed you could fit them all. Be a good minion and send some Normbots to double check that none of them went missing."

Max rolled his eyes. At least the pay was worth the aggravation.

"Anything else?"

"Yeah, have one of them drop off my Divino mirror."

At that the young Mr. Goof paused. "The what?" he asked.

"The Divino mirror. You know, the mirror with a trapped Divino and a backdoor portal to the Divino World? I need it for a lesson on binding unnatural abominations that are too chaotic to be coerced, manipulated, reasoned with, or turned against your enemies."

Max paled as he found himself at the last page of the checklist. "Could you describe it to me?"

"It's a giant mirror with a demon and a portal to more demons in it!" Felldrake roared. "Are you telling me you lost it?!"

Leopold mumbled in his slumber as Felldrake rattled in the shiny umbrella holder with rage.

"Five more minutes, Mommy…"

"No, no! I definitely didn't lose a mirror full of demons!" Max was starting to panic when he saw a silver mirror in the Chicken Itza manifest. "I found it!"

"Where? I don't trust any of you idiots not to touch it."

Putting the clipboard down, Max let out a sigh of relief. "Relax, Felldrake. It's being stored in the exotic energy containment lab. Nobody is getting near it for a long, long, time."

"Hey look!" a nebbish scientist declared as he ran past Felldrake's treasure hall with two popcorns and an extra large cola. "The new guy is gonna laser the magic mirror!"

A moment of silence passes between them. Then, Max and Felldrake look at each other.

"…You think we should call Janna?" Max asked.

"No time!" Felldrake shouted. "LEOPOLD!"

The hairy purple hybrid rose from his gold heap, startled. He knocked Felldrake's container over.

"Daddy?" Leopold looked around, waving to Max before grabbing Felldrake and putting him back in the pot. "Where's Mommy?"

"We're going on a mission without her!" Leopold sighed, his ears flapping down as his tail sunk to the ground. "Don't worry, your er, cousin Max is going on an adventure with us!"

Max backed away slowly. "No no no! I'm done with adventures for this year! Not after--!"

"Leopold, get him!"

Before Max could make a clean break, Leopold pounced and picked him up! Two flaps of his giant wings took the trio into the air!

"Why me?!" Max asked as he held on to Leopold for dear life.

Felldrake glowed with purple magic. In an instant, Max was covered in a black robe with spikes that screamed pure evil.

"Unless you know anyone with enough combat dancing skills to appease the totemic spirits of Capoeira, just shut up and aim me at the wannabe Quetzalcoatl when it rises!"

Max hollered on his way towards L.O.V.E.M.U.F.F.I.N. and their oncoming catastrophe.
 
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Interlude: ...Or You Can Cleave It Apart
"Ah." You say, as your range of 'how bad' this could be expands considerably. "I think maybe you should back up a little?"

"Okay. Okay." Janna replies, and then composes herself.

"It all started when my friend Marco got a new exchange student bunking at his house. I didn't think about it much until she summoned a flaming rainbow in the middle of the school."

"A flaming rainbow?"

"Yeah, that's pretty much Star's whole aesthetic. It's pretty sweet. Anyway, after she turned Marco's arm into a tentacle beast-"

"She what?"

"Don't worry it got better. I think. But after that I decided I had to get to know her. She's great. She took me to other dimensions, she almost got me killed in a game of truth or dare, we summoned a dead clown-"

"Dead clown?"

"We're gonna be here all day if you keep asking questions dude."

"All right all right, I'll save them for the end."

"Anyway. It turns out Star was this like, magical princess from another dimension, and she had this magic wand that can do basically anything. I was a bit iffy on the whole 'monarchy' thing, but it was a matriarchy, so that's cool. There were these monsters constantly trying to steal her Wand, only I think they weren't very good at it most of the time? And not all of them were bad, and I think Star was starting to feel sorry for them. But then one of them showed up who was good at it. That was Toffee. He kidnapped Marco and almost killed Star, and she thought Toffee died but… he didn't."

"One night, right before school was supposed to let out, Marco had a big start of summer party. And Star…" Janna trails off for a moment, waving her arm vaguely. "Star told everyone that something had happened, and she had to go. And that was it. …I never saw her again."

Janna pauses again, this time to grimace and rub one of her eyes. You decide not to interrupt.

"A week later, Marco went to check on her in her dimension. He came back three days later, looking like he'd been through a blender. He said that Toffee had taken over Star's Kingdom. He'd gotten Star's wand. And he said Toffee was already moving on the others in Mewni."

"I'm gonna take a wild guess and say that's the dimension's name?"

"Yeah. Marco stuck around for a little while, but eventually he went looking for Star. I wanted to help! But I had no idea if she was on Mewni or Earth or any of the other 50 bajillion dimensions. Until she showed up… here."

"Here?"

"I don't think she's in 'Doofania' anymore." Janna admits. "But she was on Earth. I saw her! In the news report."

"Oh! The devil girl!"

"Bingo." Janna agrees. "That's why I came here. That and… well. I don't know if home is safe anymore."

"… a few months after Marco left, weird stuff started happening. It was subtle at first, but I noticed. Adults started asking me weird questions about Star and her family. All the stuff Star blew up that no one had bothered to fix got rebuilt all at once. And once or twice, when they thought they were being sneaky, I saw monsters creeping around Echo Creek. I tried to tell people, but no one would listen! I've spent years building myself of as the Grand Poobah of Weird, so for a while I thought it was just people thinking it was more of the same. But I realized no, some people are getting paid not to listen! I know Principal Skeeves is on the take, that worthless son of a-"

Janna says several words you don't think Goofy would approve of, but you decide to it let pass.

"So." You sum up. "There's an evil lizard with crazy magic from another dimension looking for your friend for some unknown reason. He's rich, powerful, and that whole quiet area in the Southwest where it looks like nothing's going on is in his pocket."

"Oh, also he can't be killed."

"Huh."

"You're taking this a lot easier than I thought you would."

"Eh. It's not like there aren't a bunch of secret tyrants across the country anyway. I already know about magic, thanks to you and Grunkle Mal, and I've actually considered the existence of other dimensions before! I had plans for an Other-Dimension-Inator, but inspiration never struck."

You pause for a moment. "Might be time to dust those off, come to think."

Janna turns to look out over the cityscape once again. "So. Now what?"

[ ] "Now, you're safe." (Janna remains a hero unit; options to search for Star and Marco open)

[ ] "Now, we go get your friends." (Janna remains a hero unit; Janna gains a permanent loyalty bonus; options to search for Star and Marco open; Janna will expect you to make an effort towards finding Star and Marco soon)

Investigate Toffee action has changed to give greater rewards!

Extradimensional Research option unlocked!
 
Felldrake & Max: A Date with Divino-ty Part 2
Felldrake & Max: A Date with Divino-ty Part 2

"Are you sure you know what you are doing?"

It was a fair question to ask, considering the unknown variables they were dealing with. Doctor Aloyse Everheart Elizabeth Otto Wolfgang Hypatia Gunther Galen Gary Cooper von Roddenstein was already well-versed with dangerous side effects, having his bald dome expanded to larger than a beach ball after poking the mysterious processes behind superpowers with a proverbial stick. The swelling hasn't reduced all that much since.

Rodney tried to make the most of his situation. He spent months designing one inizor after another trying to undo the damage, even roping his fellow L.O.V.E.M.U.F.F.I.N. members into the project before realizing they would only make it worse. He was resigned to the fact his condition wasn't changing any time soon, having developed an antigravity headband to offset the weight and publishing an independent blog about the burden of his genius in his free time.

He wasn't ready to take that sort of risk again, but with the specialist they hired to examine the strange mirror from Chicken Itza, he wouldn't have to. Whatever happened next was going to be on their head, not his.

The specialist in question was a pale, reedy man with a wild mop of cyan hair. He wore a dark brown coat with red gloves and matching red goggles. As a guest mad scientist brought in with Rodney's approval and a signature acquired from Doofenshmirtz while he was in a coding trance, the man had full access to their facilities in order to crack open the secrets behind the glass item.

"Have no fears, Señor Rodney!" The man who introduced himself as Gomez said. He dropped down from his large device, a laser tripod with vaguely Mayan trappings, to start up a portable hydrogen generator. "I brought all of my technology needed to free the imprisoned Divino."

Though he rarely gave praises, Rodney was impressed. The same was true of a few other mad scientists in attendance, who had little to no experience about the new field of physics (none of them wanted to admit it was magic) Doof cracked open and had yet to let them tamper with.

"Hmm. You've said you're already familiar with this type of… event?"

Gomez gave an enthusiastic nod as he attached glowing cables to the weapon. "Of course! I used to do this kind of thing all the time back in Nuevo Nizza! I must admit that I never met Flamenco Gigante in person before, but look at him."

The tall glass mirror depicted a hot pink feathered serpent with a massive curved beak and hundreds of tiny black legs. There were small dots running and screaming beneath its many feet, like ants. Liquid fire flowed out of the dragon flamingo's mouth like an angry volcano.

"He looks pretty harmless to me!"

There was a chorus of agreements from the lab. Nobody could argue with that logic. After all, he was the expert. The laser had warmed up and was glowing with blue energy, so Gomez climbed up his ladder to press the big red button on top.

"Eye protection, everyone! The laser is ready to fire!"

Gomez's finger was hovering over the button when the double-doors to the laser lab were busted wide open by a dark wizard riding on a donkey bat monkey thing!

"WOAH!" the wizard declared as his mount came down for a crash landing, battering into a thick plastic screen the members of L.O.V.E.M.U.F.F.I.N. were sitting behind to enjoy the show. He stumbled away from the crash, losing his footing and being dragged forward by his golden staff that glowed with an ominous purple power.

The anserine face on the staff glared at Gomez and started yelling at him. "Don't even think about unleashing that Divino, you miseducated egghead!" it hissed.

Gomez fell off the ladder, landing on his back. "Ow!" he shouted over the intense hum of the weapon firing. "Fine, okay! I won't activate the laser!"

"We're too late!" Max said faintly, as the noise of the laser cutting through an ancient mirror began drowning him out entirely. The beam carved a wide gouge into the mirror, causing shards of glass to flake away into dust!

"Turn it off, turn it off!" Felldrake demanded over the noise, which rose to a crescendo as the laser cannon died and the mirror exploded!

A giant beak lurched out of the portal, followed by a pillar of pink feathers and scores upon scores of legs. All of the scientists in attendance expected the mural on the creature's mirror prison to be an exaggerated depiction of the beast within, but Flamenco Gigante looked uncomfortably identical to what L.O.V.E.M.U.F.F.I.N. had assumed was a caricature.

"I AM FLAMENCO GIGANTE!" the unseemly creature roared as he stretched out to his full length across the room. "FOR FREEING ME FROM MY ANCIENT PRISON, I SHALL GRANT EVERYONE IN ATTENDANCE OF THIS GLORIOUS OCCASION ONE FREE WISH."

Gomez got to his feet. "R-Really?" he asked with trepidation and cautious optimism.

"NO," the Divino replied earnestly. "BUT I ALWAYS WANTED TO SAY THAT BEFORE EATING A LIVE AUDIENCE."

His jaw opened wide to begin a feeding frenzy, allowing Felldrake to fill his mouth with a wide blast of magical energy!

"OW!" the creature cried out, flecks of caustic fluid dropping out of its flamingo mouth and burning holes into the lab. The scientists took their cue to leave while Max held Felldrake steady. Leopold, having shook off his crash landing, took to battering Flamenco Gigante's head with what remained of Gomez's damaged laser weapon.

"Go back to your dimension, Flamenco! Nobody wants you here!"

"THAT ISN'T VERY NICE," it roared.

Flamenco Gigante craned his neck up, disarming Leopold and tearing the roof off the lab with his pointed beak. The Divino started scaling the walls, growling with anger as his length waxed and waned like a possessed accordion. Leopold swooped back down to grab Max and Felldrake, who continued spraying Flamenco Gigante from the sky.

"How much more?" Max shouted as they rapidly spritzed the extradimensional invader with dark magic like it peed on the couch and needed to be reprimanded.

Felldrake analyzed the creature's bizarre physiology for weaknesses. His ungainly form had numerous structural instabilities, but as a denizen of the Divino World, Flamenco Gigante could ignore those with ease. Felldrake was going to continue firing randomly when he saw a glowing spot of light right behind the Divino's head.

"Almost… There! Aim for the symbol on top of his neck!"

Max tried to find it, but Flamenco Gigante's tail sprung from a coiled position and struck with precision force!

"Brace for impact--!"

They closed their eyes. Then, nothing happened. Felldrake opened his inanimate, sculpted metal eyes to make sure they weren't dead. Or destroyed in his case.

"Ha! You missed!"

"Uh, Felldrake?" Max pointed at the ground below them.

The two of them were floating midair, but Leopold wasn't present to keep them aloft anymore.

At that moment of realization, they both began to fall.

"We're gonna die!" Max cried.

"Oh, woe is me!" Felldrake mocked. "That's exactly what you sound like!"

Max throttled the cursed magical item. "Easy for you to say! You're dead!"

"I know you are, but what am I?"

Their plummet towards certain doom came to a sudden stop as they landed in a massive bed of soft feathers! Max bounced off the feather bed and tumbled down a long, pink slide, while Felldrake plunged straight through the material.

"THE PAIN!!!" Flamenco Gigante exclaimed. "YOU PIERCED MY ONE WEAKNESS!"

"We did?" Max and Felldrake asked at the same time.

"Of course we did!" Felldrake screeched. "Now I'm sealing this freak of nature in a state he'll never bother me again!"

The staff's eyes glowed, and the Divino's body evaporated into purple light! Max was safely deposited on the ground next to Leopold and Gomez in what was left of the lab. Felldrake clattered to the floor next to an incongruous pink lawn flamingo that leaked purple smoke.

"You did it!" Gomez said. "Since I accidentally broke the device I was going to use to control the Divino, I was worried things would get a little out of control!"

"A little?!" Felldrake shook with rage. "Somebody pick me up so I can zap some common sense into him!"

"I am so sorry for the confusion! My previous boss had me find and free Divinos on the regular!"

Max ripped off the remains of his evil cloak and patted some dust off his normal clothes.

"How exactly did you do that? I thought magic and science didn't mix."

Gomez shrugged. "Eh. It is what I do."

Max put his hand to his face. Where was Janna to handle all of this weird stuff?

"Okay. Whatever. Did we get it? Are we done here?"

"Yeah, yeah. I sealed Flamenco in a lawn decoration. That should hold him from now until the sun calls it quits and goes supernova."

Since no one else was going to, Max picked up Felldrake and walked him towards his sanctum. Leopold followed.

"Good. One last question?"

"You know what, minion? Sure. What is it?"

"Why did you need a really good dancer?"

---

The next morning, Juniper awoke from her bed in a startle!

"Huh? Wha!?"

Her heart raced like she was in the zone and her body ached as if she had been practicing all night. Her pajamas were also gross and sweaty, but she only practiced for half the night and devoted the rest to beauty sleep. None of this made any sense!

"What happened?"

Juniper got out of bed in a daze. Her balance was out of whack. Was she sick? Did she overdo it during an exercise and throw a joint out of place?

Was she going to have to call her mom?

Juniper shook her head at the last one, pushing that thought aside as she remembered her dream last night. It was intense and vivid. She was performing the dance of her life. It wasn't a performance front of an audience of people she could see, but for a crowd of things she could feel. Colors were more colorful on the jungle stage, and the animals were smiling.

Later, when she touched her glowing power orb to check it was still working right after her accidental run-in with the cops during a regular smash-and-grab, Juniper felt different. Like a spark came from her hand to it, rather than the other way around. She held onto that feeling for the rest of her day, even while she was trying to unwind and have a normal karaoke night with TECHNOR, THE MECHANICAL MAN. Juniper asked how he felt about dreams, but as a robot he didn't have many personal experiences with lucid dreaming. She ended up changing the subject.

Her brain didn't have the words for everything that was going on in her headspace, but it didn't feel like a lucid dream when she had the same dream the next night. It felt real.

It felt like a callback.
 
Interlude: Mirage's Report on the Cape Scene
INTERNAL REPORT ONLY
DO NOT DISTRIBUTE

Doctor Heinz,

Please find enclosed my own report on the history, geography, and present status of metahumans. I hope that you will put this information to good use in the future.

The Golden Age

No description of Superheroes could start without speaking of the Golden Age. In ancient times, Supers might have been worshipped as gods, or burned as witches. One might say the modern era is not so different. The Golden Age was the defining feature of a post war America. When individuals with unique, extraordinary powers came into view, they came into a country replete with wealth, centered upon the idea of individualism and exceptionalism, and fresh out of the most morally concrete conflict the world had ever known. In such an environment, it comes as little surprise that the country was primed to accept these 'super' men as new paragons of truth and justice.

While the earliest of Superheroes did their work in plain clothes, the now well-known trope of the secret identity emerged as a means of protecting oneself, both from villains; and from liability, as will become important later. However superheroics could be expensive work. Many supers, particularly those who came to prominence as war heroes first, became sponsored by a Federal Government eager to promote their ideal of the American Way. Others gained lucrative marketing sponsorships, while still others sold the rights to their image and story to media companies. In all cases, the bright spandex associated with supers developed as a way of increasing that brand power. Superheroes were as much about what they meant to the people as they were about the actual lives they saved. I refrain from judgement as to the merit of this.

The Golden Age lasted a little over a decade, though some argue it should be recognized as having started in 1938 with Nimble Jack, the first superpowered individual to gain notoriety in the US Army. In that case, the Golden Age could be said to cover almost two.

While the heroic side of the Golden Age was made up primarily of biological superheroes, known supervillains were rare. While biological villains such as Lady Lightningbug did exist, the vast majority of villains operating in the Golden Age were either unaugmented themed foes such as Bomb Voyage, Supersonic Sue or Baron von Ruthless, who committed otherwise mundane crimes with an unusual gimmick, or mad scientists, such as Baron von Steamer (no relation, oddly).

The Golden Age saw the formation of countless heroic teams and famous heroes. A few notables include:

Nimble Jack: First known Hero to gain notoriety, first emerged as a common sergeant in the US army. Raised to the rank of Captain for heroic endeavors, leading to a later deluge of 'Captain X' copycats.

Meta Man: Known for the power to copy weaker versions of other Supers' powers. Briefly headed the Bureau of Metahuman Affairs' 'Meta Group' overseeing Super activity across the US. Eventually pushed out after concerns over foxes in the henhouse following the passage of the SRA. Died in an elevator accident during an attempted rescue.

Gamma Jack: Known for militantly super-supremacist views, later turned to villainy. His comments were brought to light during the SRA era, leading to increased anti-super sentiment.

The Phantasmics: Federally sponsored super-group serving as an international task force.

Gazerbeam: Prolific if antisocial hero known to have led (and led to the disbanding of) not one but two acclaimed hero teams: the Phantasmics and the Thrilling Three, which he joined and eventually led into dissolution following the death of former leader Dynaguy and the passing of the SRA.

Elastigirl: A-List superheroine known for breaking the glass ceiling and helping to begin a flood of female Supers in the latter half of the Golden Age. Fate unknown.

Boss Awesome: Notable as the only 'A-List' superhero ever to break into the major leagues without biological powers. In his day, Boss Awesome kept pace with the greats of the era with nothing more than a utility belt and gumption. He is presumed alive, but presently retired.

Mr. Incredible: The 'world's strongest man' was once acclaimed for his acts of heroism nationwide, among the cream of the crop and greatest heroes of the era. He was simultaneously known for being the catalyst for the end of the Golden Age due to multiple lawsuits filed against him.

(A number of blotted lines and false starts litter the remainder of this section.)

With the exception of Boss Awesome, retired, and Elastigirl, Unknown, all heroes listed above can be considered deceased.

The SRA

The Superhero Relocation Act was the inevitable result of dozens of superhero lawsuits costing the government billions, but to see where the act truly began to gain traction, one should look to the case of Oliver Sansweet. Sansweet was the president of the Municiberg National Bank until the day he attempted to take his own life. Earlier that day, tabloids had reported that the bank had been caught in the act of laundering money from the USSR, a fact which was later disproven but had long been suspected. The articles caused a run on the bank, undoubtedly the catalyst for Sansweet's attempted suicide. After throwing himself from the roof, Sansweet was tackled through the fifty-third floor window by Mr. Incredible, an action which saved his life despite causing massive internal injuries. The following day, Sansweet filed suit against the famed superhero in federal court, claiming that Incredible's actions had been unwanted, unreasonable, and 'caused him daily pain'. After an intense six month battle, Incredible settled out of court for an undisclosed sum of money believed to have cost the government 'millions'.

Sansweet v Incredible opened the floodgates for further litigation against superheroes, ranging from legitimate grievances to frivolous suits that sought to jump on the bandwagon. Superheroes from Dynaguy to Hypershock found themselves owing millions, most of which the government or major corporations sponsoring heroes found themselves on the hook for. Public opinion quickly turned against masked vigilantism in general. After a few years of settling for their sponsored heroes in court, the federal government quietly passed the Superhero Relocation Act, which granted heroes amnesty from their past actions while simultaneously making any further public acts of heroism illegal. Specifically, it granted an exemption to nationwide Good Samaritan Laws, ensuring that any superhero caught with their identity known (by this point, the identity of most heroes was known to the government) would have to pay damages from their own pockets. In addition to making superheroics a financially ruinous venture, it also quietly gave local governments the green light to begin executing anti-vigilantism laws, which had in many cities been on the books for years but never enforced.

Following the end of the Golden Age, most supervillain attacks were dealt with by deployment of the National Guard. Supervillains initially celebrated when heroism was made illegal; very few were celebrating six months later. Most Supers and mad scientists could stop one man with a gun. Very few could stop three hundred, and it is much easier to heal from bare knuckles than bullets.

Kronos Activities

Syndrome, real name Buddy Pine, was once considered a vanguard for a new era of heroics, one based on rapidly advancing technology rather than biological power. This was as he intended. Syndrome spent many years-

(there is further blotting and scrawls throughout)

-systematically hunting and eliminating retired supers, eventually paving the way for his 'heroic' saving of Metroville from the famous Omnidroid. Syndrome later developed the 'rogue, compromised' Omnidroid into smaller units to serve as all-purpose robots. In fact, the Omnidroid was created by him, defeated by him, and was used as-

(more scrawls)

-an instrument of murder against dozens of inactive supers. Syndrome financed his plans through lucrative arms deals of his own inventions to the US government, though he retained his most powerful tools for himself. Syndrome stated that he intended to use his technology to create a world where any human could be super through advanced technology. However, I now believe this to be nothing more than the idle posturing of a man obsessed with eliminating and surpassing the legacy of superheroics. When presented the opportunity to achieve his stated aims, he chose to hoard his resources for himself.

Cape vs Super

The term Super came first, and was originally a generic term for heroes. However, as most heroes of the Golden Age were biological in nature, the term gradually became conflated into meaning those with innate superhuman powers.

The term 'Cape' arose as an alternative following the landmark 'Pine v State of Nevada' case, in which it was ruled that tech-based superheroes were not legally Supers, and thus could claim financial immunity under Good Samaritan laws as Supers once did prior to the SRA. What many do not know is that Buddy bribed his way through the Nevadan court system, ensuring not only that he would win the case, but that he would be able to create a new name for superheroics- literally. Syndrome himself coined the term 'Cape' for technological or generic superheroes, and it was primarily through his advancement of the term that it entered common usage.

How Supers Form

The precise biological mechanism behind the formation of natural superpowers is very poorly understood by medical science. While several studies have been performed, a great many of these were done when the science of genetics was still in its infancy, and further examinations into the topic have not yielded greater insight. Companies such as Sycorax and Gen-U-Tech have both published papers on the 'metahuman genome' to examine the natural mechanisms of some powers, though again, many of the ones that are more esoteric in nature remain poorly understood. While modern science can hypothesize a mechanism by which an individual may breathe fire, the mechanism by which one can copy another's powers cannot even be fathomed at present.

Individuals born of superpowered parents are likely to inherit superpowers. They may exhibit the same powers as their progenitor, related powers, or entirely distinct powers. Children of Supers can also be born with no powers, suggesting an inheritable genome with variable expression.

Some Supers are born with seemingly spontaneous powers, with no apparent Super lineage. Powers frequently appear near the onset of puberty.

In addition to natural born Supers, Supers can also form through unknown spontaneous means, usually in response to radioactivity or other life-threatening circumstances. It is unclear if this represents a potential trigger for Super genes, or if the underlying genetic code is in some way changed by these occurrences.

Second Age of Superheroes

Sometimes referred to as the Silver Age. The silver age began with the landmark Pine v Nevada case, which established that Tech-based Supers, or 'Capes', were exempt from the SRA and could therefore fight lawsuits asserting damages to bystanders' persons or property. This led to a new upswell of technological heroes, or heroes who relied primarily on skill and wit. Boss Awesome remained active in this period, becoming the only major Golden Age hero to remain active past 1961.

With biological heroes still illegal (not to mention soured on the idealism that permeated the Golden Age) most biological Supers of the time were active criminals, a near perfect reversal of the Golden Age. Prior to his capture by Syndrome, former hero Gamma Jack became infamous as a heel-turn supervillain following the act's passage.

Notable individuals to emerge on the scene in this era include both Syndrome and Shego.

Modern Super Scene

Despite heroics remaining illegal, the United States at present enjoys an extremely active hero scene, owing in part to the recent paradigm shift and the rising in prominence of certain notable corporations. Where previously the United States government could enforce its laws as they saw fit, megacorporations such as Xanatos Enterprises and Drakktech now exert enough influence on local governments and law enforcement that the response to most acts of heroism- or villainy, for that matter- is to quietly ignore it. As a result, both tech 'Capes' and biological Supers have begun to return to active work.

The defining feature of the modern era is blurring of moral lines. Shego, formerly an internationally wanted supervillain, currently stands as CEO of one of the world's most powerful corporations. Super teams such as The Pack serve at the will of corporate overlords. Sky High has completely removed heroics from its curriculum, favoring a 'morally agnostic' approach. Biological Supers, hero or villain, must either join with the power blocs responsible for this state of affair or face widespread persecution for their activities.

Until last year, Kronos Corporation and Drakktech were engaged in a large-scale shadow war over the status of Supers. Syndrome ruthlessly enforced the SRA, taking any opportunity to allow the 'bugs' in his Omnidroid AI to eliminate Supers found on his territory. Shego blatantly flouts the SRA, with states under her sway simply not enforcing the law and throwing out cases raised against Supers.

Following the events of the Sands Gala, Kronos has restructured and is no longer providing meaningful support to anti-Super resources. Based on their public announcements, I expect a severe about face in Olympia policy within the coming months, effectively removing the primary limiter on Super activity in general and Shego in particular.

Modern Drakktech

While Shego is known as a relatively pragmatic woman, she is also famed for a strong temper. Much of her time in the last few years has centered around opposing Syndrome and his works; if his downfall allows Shego to complete her goal of establishing a nationwide Super scene under her supervision, I am unclear on what if anything she would do next.

Modern Sky High

Sky High is the primary education system for natural born Supers. Universally respected, it intakes both new blood and the children of Supers from across the country and molds them into what the modern Super world requires: cold, amoral operators prepared to do whatever necessary to accomplish their goals. Classes are still split into traditional 'Superhero' and 'Sidekick' tracks, but ultimately there is little heroism left in the curriculum.

Sky High operates with state of the art antigravity technology, and can at any given time be found floating somewhere over Drakktech or Super-neutral territory. Reclusive Principal Grayson is known to be on the outs with Shego at the moment due to the events of the Sands Gala. In my professional opinion this seems unlikely to last due to the massive impetus for the foremost producer and foremost employer of Supers to get along: both need the other. While the powerset of Ms. Grayson has previously been unclear, recent events suggest some form of technopathy.

Modern San Fransokyo

San Fransokyo is currently a major hub of Cape activity. Unlike Drakktech, which contains primarily biological Supers, SF's scene is overwhelmingly tech based. This is likely due to the presence of the internationally renowned San Fransokyo Institute of Technology, which ensures a large number of impressionable, excitable young people with brilliant minds are given intense scientific training and concentrated in a small geographical area.

San Fransokyo has always had some degree of Cape activity given its sheer size. However, the election of Governor Kevin, whose reasonable policies and affable demeanor have kept him incumbent since, allowed the scene to truly begin to flourish. Governor Kevin is known to be sympathetic to Superheroes, and often looks the other way in their persecution. Coupled with the Pine v Nevada case exempting tech-based heroes from the SRA, San Fransokyo is perhaps the most Cape-friendly city in the nation. This has come in handy with defending against the recent St. Canard breakout, to say the least.

Recent Events in the Cape Scene


Obviously, the three most noteworthy events of the current Super world are the St. Canard Breakout, the Sands Gala, and the recent buzz around repealing the SRA.

While the majority of St. Canard inmates were Toon villains, a topic I will not be going into here, several non-Toon Supervillains were also incarcerated there, some of which had questionable convictions. Among the escapees are superpowered crime boss Alexander Paine, wanted vigilante 'Go Go' Tomago, and Z-list supervillain Khaka Peu Peu.

In addition to releasing more villains onto the scene, the breakout arguably contributed to the current upswell of support across the West for repeal of the SRA. People tend to like the sound of superheroes better when their cities are full of logic-defying villains immune to bullets.

The Sands Gala is noteworthy primarily for the end of Kronos' anti-super agenda and the rise of Olympia. While the full ramifications of these events are yet to be seen, it seems likely the Deavors intend to champion Super rights in an overwhelming reversal of previous strategy.

Both of the previous events ensured that Doom's push for repealing the SRA, which I assume to be a fairly transparent attack on our own public relations, was far more successful than even he had anticipated. The repeal of the SRA seems likely to become the hot-button issue of the coming election, and current evidence suggests other movers and shakers are already beginning to line up for or against the bill.

While Doom has placed us into an awkward spot, it is not irrecoverable. Whether you choose to support the SRA repeal in order to avoid Doom's PR attacks, oppose the repeal to avoid looking suggestible, or find some third avenue, my greatest advice is to act quickly. It will prove difficult to appear genuine in any respect once all other groups have dug in positions.
 
Interlude: What Mewmans Are Made From
You awaken in darkness.

You don't sleep. Not really, not anymore. But still you awaken, as the great bulk of your consciousness ebbs and flows through what was once magic. The Meridian Princeling sought to attack you yet again. As usual, you denied him the chance to face an easy target. His time would come.

You spare a moment to mull over your hatred of the Master of Metaworld and his people. Meridians. They were so very like the Mewmans. Vile beings, intruding where they did not belong. Enslaving whatever they found lesser, shackling them to his own petty desires. And all with the overwhelming monopoly of magic to enforce their pathetic whims.

You enjoy the blackness seeping through you. The slow, lethargic march of corrupted power through what was once your veins. Let their sound and fury ring out. They were not the only ones with power now.

Then, you take stock. Another battle has ended. Another plan has been set in motion. For a fleeting moment, you feel yourself beset by no great task or order. Your plots tick along, your investments compound, your servants perform their appointed tasks. No need assails you. So you take a moment to indulge in lesser matters.

Slowly, inexorably, the putrid black mass of your existence seeps through the corrupted wellspring around you. You flow through an eternal wasteland of sludge and pitch, until your mind selects a specific point, seemingly identical to all the others. There. You haven't tried that one before.

A tendril of sludge begins to rise upwards, questing slowly along paths once vibrant and now dead. It grows into a torrent, a flood of ink rising in a great pillar up and up into the void. A moment later the pillar leaves the great morass behind, and then the pillar is you.

You rise through the dead sky, until you reach the space beyond it. You encounter resistance. It is nothing. You fling aside the heavy wood with barely a moment's thought. It shatters into kindling.

You rise from the well. Black sludge swirls upon itself as you corporealize. Flesh knits upon bone, skin flows over flesh, and finally cloth layers upon skin. Teeth and eyes and claw and hair force themselves outwards in a horrific, throbbing motion you have long since learned to ignore.

You open your mouth and taste air again. You adjust your tie, and brush away an imperceptible hint of dust.

Where are you?

You are in a dark cavern. There is dirt both underfoot and above you. A hole in the ceiling lets in a small shaft of light, with a wooden ladder rising above you. The walls around you are held up by wooden slats and beams. Within the walls, the bones of some great beast lie, dead and pointless. Behind you, the packed dirt of the walls has crumbled away, revealing a stone… mural.

You look closer. It is of the old man who thought he could not die. You are not surprised. This was his pool, once, before he was in your way. The flood of magic flows from his mouth and his hands, pooling beneath him in a simple depiction of the Wellspring. Indistinct figures kneel and worship before their false idol. Four Millhorses lie resting in the waters. Surrounding the image is…

Mewman glyphs.

The barest trace of a frown flickers across your features. Of course the Mewmans would have found other wells, and marked them with their signs of mastery. It was not enough for the font of their own realm to be coated in the symbols of their own power. The tributaries need be covered as well.

You begin to read whatever pitiful words your vanquished foes saw fit to place here.

And slowly, your mouth begins to gape.

This… was where they came from.

The Enemy did not come from Mewni, though they had trodden upon the land so deeply that its very name now shared theirs. They came from somewhere else.

They came from here.

You turn and rush for the ladder, all other thoughts forgotten. You sniff the air. This world smells… familiar. A wave of darkness rises from the well, lifting you up and carrying you to the top of the shaft in seconds. A rusted metal door bars your way. You atomize it. You stalk down the pale yellow corridor beyond.

You see the creature waiting for you at the end of it.

Of course.

Of course.

This
is where they came from.

You feel the hatred well up within you even as you feel wells of darkness across the multiverse overflow with boiling sludge. You blink as black oil leaks from behind your eyes. Your form blurs, as great arcs of darkness rise behind you like putrid wings.

The creature before you was distracted. It brushes its hands off on its apron. It turns. It sees you.

The hatred overflows.

It screams.

Britta's Tacos explodes.
 
Interlude: You're Going Down!
These were dark times for the Resistance.

Supreme Dictator Doofenshmirtz's power grew with each passing week. At first, it hadn't been so bad. He only had a couple robots and a washed-up Toon to his name when he started, but now that he was in the second year of his reign, more and more people were flocking to his banner! Federal agents! Some big ugly Russian supervillain with four eyes! Genghis Khan, somehow! That weird creepy witch girl who kept purchasing illegal fireworks!

If this didn't stop soon, then Doofenshmirtz might just get hold of someone who was actually going to put a stop to their resisting.

Candace looked out over the crew she had assembled. It was a pretty pathetic turnout today, and this was coming right on top of their hardest loss so far. Not only was Baljeet getting cold feet about the whole 'vandalism' thing, but his parents dragged him off to visit an uncle in Tibet or something. Not that it much mattered, since he still refused to wear their new uniform!

"Hey Candace," one of the indistinct mass that was the Fireside girls asked. Maybe Ginger. "Tell us again why we're wearing these dresses?"

"The kimono is an ancient and honorable mode of dress, Holly."

"That was Milly," another girl noted.

"Milly has a point Candace," Isabella Garcia-Shapiro said. "I'm all for a good makeover, but I'm not so sure they go with fishnets."

"Look." Candace pinched the bridge of her nose together. "Haven't you girls ever heard of the Fujitas?"

"Who?"

"I read about them in Uncivil Disobedience magazine," Candace said, holding up a cover image of three girls dressed like geishas from the wrong side of multiple tracks in a row. "They're the latest craze in asian fusion neo-cyberpunk aesthetics. It's all the rage."

"Yeah, in San Fransokyo! Which we are not!" Maybe-Adyson said.

"If we're going to be taken seriously as an underground resistance, we need to keep up with modern counter culture!"

"We're only going through this social rebellion phase because Phineas is too busy with schoolwork to spend time with Isabella," the one Candace pretty sure was Gretchen said.

"Gretchen!" Isabella cried. One for three.

"I call it as I see it, sister."

"I kinda like it!" Buford noted. "It makes me feel free."

Stacey just sat in the corner. Weirdly, she was the only one who showed up to every meeting. Candace appreciated her friend being there for her, but even as the gruff, no-nonsense leader of the cell, Stacey's mood was kinda scary to her sometimes.

"Can we just focus?" Candace asked irritably. "We're going to have to do a lot more vandalism if we want the populace to rise up."

"Candace, the populace can only afford three meals a day because Doofenshmirtz pays for two of them," Isabella said gently. "I get that you don't like him-"

"You still don't get it, do you Isabella?"

"I really don't."

"He's the entire reason that my brothers keep getting away with it!"

Buford blinks. "Yer gonna have to go over that again."

"Every couple days or so that evil dictator makes a huge deal about one of his mad sciencey things on social media."

"He calls them Inators." Gretchen noted.

"I don't care. What matters is they're, you know, machines that can literally defy physics. I didn't think anything much of it until he mentioned that he made a dance-inator a year or two ago! And then I got to thinking: that big theatre setup my brothers made got up and danced away."

"Yeah, I remember that. It was surreal," Buford comments.

"Like everything else in our lives," another Schrodinger's Girl Scout deadpanned.

"Then I started looking through my bust records. Every summer, Phineas and Ferb's crazy inventions go poof. And every summer, this guy's crazy inventions also go poof! Don't you get it?! Doofenshmirtz is helping my brothers escape their rightful punishment! He's in league with them! Doofenshmirtz is the Mysterious Force!!!"

"That seems like a bit of a stretch even for you, Candace," Isabella noted.

"He deserves to go down," Stacey added quietly.

"I don't think most people see it that way," Isabella replied. "Like. Sure, the police are robots now, and the sky over downtown is weird and smoggy. But not much has really changed. I don't even think the city council's been replaced."

"Eh, I think the new architecture is actually kinda neat. But I'd take any opportunity to resist authority. It's in my blood," Buford added.

"Look. There's a Doofenshmirtz Evil Bratwurst stand the next block down. Let's just get to it, tip the cart over, and-"

"Excuse me," a squeaky voice says.

"Huhzzat?" Candace asks indistinctly, looking around.

"Down here."

Candace looked down to find a two-foot-something monochrome Toon standing before her. He had a friendly expression on his face but she wasn't fooled for a second! This was Genghis Khan's lackey! Her brain tamped down on the absurdity of that thought with the long practice of someone in her brother's orbit. She remembered seeing the two of them training in the lobby that one time she had snuck in to put powdered eggs in all of the houseplants.

"Sorry to bother you, but I've been asked to talk to you kids about-"

"Guys, we've been found out! Scatter!" Candace screamed, grabbing for the weapon-that-was-definitely-a-quarterstaff-and-not-a-tree-branch slung over her back. "Isabella, Gretchin, run interference on those Normbots! Stacey, back me up! Buford, keep resisting!"

"No!"

Never one to back down from escalation, Candace rushes forwards and swings her tree branch quarterstaff into the tiny monochrome duck. He makes a sound like a squeaky toy as he goes flying through the air.

"Yes!" Candace cheers.

"Wait, look!"

Reaching out a feathered hand, the blur of Dennis' body swung itself around and around before sailing back towards the group. Dennis landed feet first in the group's midst.

"Ha ha! It'll take more than that to stop Dennis the Du-"

Buford punched him in the face.

"Mmmpff," Dennis said from behind the fist. While his entire face had puckered in on itself, it only took a second for it to spring back into place.

"I said it'll take more than that to stop Dennis the-"

Punch

"It'll take more than that to stop Den-"

Punch

"...Dennis the-"

Punch

Buford began to pant from exertion.

"It'll take more than that to stop me!" Dennis cheered. "Yes! It works if you don't say the name."

"He's resisting my resistance!" Buford cried out in fear. "HE'S TOO STRONG!!!"

Dennis laughed. "Behold my face to fist style! This is the power of Kung Fool! When it is funnier for you to lose, I-"

Stacey clobbered him over the head with a brick.

"Forgot thaaa first rule," Dennis slurred, stumbling around after the little birds now floating around his head. "Neva ehxshplain tha joke."

"Yes!" Candace cheered. "Victory for the Resistance!" With that final declaration out of the way, they ran away before Dennis could recover.

---

Candace carefully looked both ways before climbing up the drainpipe that ran by her bedroom window. Her mother would not like the fashion style. She had more of an 80s thing. Slipping into her room, she sighed in relief. That had been too close. She was never going to take down a major dictator and CEO of an international megacorp if she almost lost to a cartoon character. And if she didn't do that, she'd never bust her brothers!

She opened her bedroom door and headed for the bathroom, to wash the dye out. Her hair was already a bright color, so she just dyed everything but a small stripe darker instead.

Candace groaned. Could this day possibly get any worse?

As she started to cross the hall, she was thrown backwards as a yowling, hairless cat launched itself at her face. With a shriek she jumped out of the way just in time to watch the hateful little creature land on its feet and hiss at her.

She shuddered. Between the soulless black eyes, the lack of fur, and the eternally devious expression that seemed to be on its face, the Flynn-Fletcher's newest pet gave Candace the willies. Her parents had decided to name it 'Kat', reasoning they 'might not want to get too attached to this one'. She understood why.

Shaking herself, Candace went back to walking. She passed by Dennis the Duck waiting in the hallway, and-

Wait, what?

"You! What are you doing in my house?!?!"

Dennis chuckled. "I'm remembering my mandatory Lessons in Evil from Dr D, and I'm doing the most evil thing I can think of!"

Candace glared at the toon defiantly. "I'll never talk! No matter what you do to me, you can never break the spirit of-"

"Candace!" A voice called from downstairs.

Candace's mouth fell open.

"You told my mom?!?!?!"

"Get down here this instant, young lady!"

"Mom, wait, listen, I can explain. Phineas and Ferb are working with this Pharmacist to-"

"I do not want to hear it, Candace Gertrude Flynn." Linda Flynn-Fletcher glowered, folding her arms in the glare-fold-full name trifecta of parental anger. "What is this?"

"I just-"

"I cannot believe this is what you've been sneaking out for! I thought you were spending time with Jeremy, or doing something nice with your friends, not leading a gang of delinquents!"

Candace turns at this point to see the rest of the Resistance has been rounded up in The Flynn-Fletcher living room, in various states of resignation.

"I am so sorry kids," Mrs. Flynn-Fletcher said to the assembled children. "I never expected Candace to be such a bad influence."

"But mom, Doofenshmirtz is evil!"

"Nobody's evil, Candace. He's eccentric. All the papers talk about how he's a generous CEO who gives out free meals just for following him online. If eccentricity were a crime, then you would be put away even longer than you're about to be grounded."

"But mom!"

"No more buts! Go to your room. You are soooo busted!"

"Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo," Candace wailed quietly.

"I'm so sorry about this, Mr. Duck."

"Oh, Mr. Duck was my role model. Call me Dennis."

"Of course Dennis."

"Don't worry Linda. DEI understands this kinda thing. Have you thought about a therapist?"

"Hmm. I'm not sure why I haven't considered that before."

"I can recommend a good one."

She slammed the door behind her and collapsed onto her bed screaming.

Eventually she calmed herself down.

She wondered what Phineas and Ferb were doing.

---

To be continued in Interlude: Rotate In with the Board of Selectmen
 
Interlude: Rotate In With the Board of Selectmen
"...so as you can see here, if we redistrict the east side while boosting affordable housing, we can practically eliminate housing instability citywide!" Phineas Flynn explained as his brother tapped on the chart, waiting for the city council to share their reactions.


Their response was a smattering of polite applause. Ever since the summer had started, they made sure to take a couple hours out of their week to sit in on the board of selectmen and make some meaningful contributions to the city. Spending every day dreaming up new and fantastic ways to have fun would never get old, but this last school year had proven that they should really start thinking about their futures.


Also, it always helped to have a cooperative zoning committee.


Phineas was never one for dwelling on things, preferring to move from one big idea to the next, but something his teachers had said stuck with him. He and his brother had applied their enthusiasm to their schoolwork with the same fervor they had given building giant gelatin palaces or sit-in movie theatres for all of their friends, and that had paid dividends in jumping a couple grade levels.


He was a little sad to say that their friends didn't exactly share the same enthusiasm. Isabella had spent the entire school year trying to get him to do weird things, like sitting at the back of the room next to her even though he couldn't see the chalkboard as well. Lately she'd taken to dressing up in a weird kimono and dying her hair, something which he just didn't understand. What was wrong with her usual clothes?


Candace was… well, she wasn't happy after that last summer she spent trying to 'bust' them. From what he had heard over the dinner table, Jeremy had broken up with her over that and she had not been happy. He didn't want to be gossipy- and honestly, he didn't care about romance very much anyway- but apparently it had something to do with leaving him on several of their dates in an ill-fated attempt to show their mom what they had been up to. Phineas felt a bit sorry for her, honestly. He'd always wanted to show his mom what they were up to too!


As Ferb rolled up the blueprints for a new 'community library' that may or may not end up containing high detail holographic renditions of every fiction book in the building, he and Phineas returned to their seats. Generally they spent the rest of the meeting spitballing new big ideas.


Today was a little different, from the look of things. This pharmacist-looking fellow came walking down the hallway carrying a laptop with a strangely self-assured expression on his face. Even Phineas could recognize who this was- the eccentric CEO who always talked about himself on TV! For someone who claimed to be 'evil', he sure didn't look like it. He didn't even have a goatee or an eyepatch, for crying out loud!


"Hello everyone!" Dr. Doofensmirtz said, plonking the laptop on the table in front of him.


"Er, hello… sir?" One of the councilmembers asked, clearly unsure how to address the man.


"I imagine you're all wondering why I'm here."


"Yes!" another councilman said gormlessly.


"Well I'll tell you. For too long, I've been leaving you alone, to languish doing... whatever it is one does running a city. I gather it does not involve mints, but other than that I… I'm getting off track. The point is, I decided you all needed some upgrading. So, please welcome to your team, a robot designed to do half your jobs for you!"


<"Greetings, Privy Councilors."> The laptop proclaims. <"I am the Computerized Organization, Finance and Function Expansion Entity and Judicious Administrative Virtual Assistant, but I insist that you call me Princess Coffee Java.">


"Don't ask. But look, it will practically make you obsolete! Isn't it great?!?!"


There is dead silence in the room, as one woman coughs and several members share awkward glances.


"Woah!" Phineas yells, standing up from his seat and rushing forward. "Is this a Funtelligence AI?"


"Nope! This is in house!" Doofenshmirtz proclaims proudly. "Though I did borrow some of the socialization algorithms."


"That's so cool! Hi there Princess CJ! I'm Phineas, and this is my brother Ferb."


<"Hello, Privy Councilors, Phineas and Ferb. I thank you for your contributions to the kingdom.">


"Say, wait a second," Doofenshmirtz said. "Aren't you two a little young to have seats on the city council?"


"Why yes. Yes we are."


"Huh. Weird. How'd you manage it then?"


"We rebuilt the former mayor's swimming pool," Ferb explained.


"Ah, figures. My brother Roger always was a sucker for public wetness makers."


Phineas tilted his head. "You know, I think you're the first person ever to ask the follow up question."


Ferb nodded in agreement.


"Well." Doofenshmirtz clapped his hands together. "I'm always looking for new talent, and it certainly seems like you two have it. Since you're already working for me, apparently, what would you say to a job working on some of my other projects?"


Phineas blinked. "We… we're not even fourteen yet, sir."


"Oh right. Uhhh… how about a summer internship then?"


"Sounds interesting to me! What do you think, Ferb?"


Ferb gave a thumbs up.


"Then it's settled. Phineas and Ferb, welcome to Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated!"


"I have a good feeling about this," Phineas said.


As the three of them walked out the door, one of the councilmembers hesitantly raised his voice. "Uh, sir. What about us?"


"Oh, yes. I almost forgot. Now that I have an advanced AI to do most of your work for me…" Doofenshmirtz trailed off.


Another councilmember gulped.


"I'm increasing your vacation days to ten weeks! Plus holidays. Take a couple days to settle into a new normal, then let me know how the Copacabana is this time of year."


The room cheered.


---


Phineas and Ferb have been unlocked as hero units! They are only available for the May/June and July/August turns!


The Resistance has been crushed forever! Public opinion has been marginally increased!
 
May/June 2016 Rival Reports
Xanatos Enterprises
[ ] Lobby against the SRA
DC 100
47+38+42+20+7=154
Great Success

David Xanatos has quietly expressed his approval for the repeal of the SRA, an action that carries more weight than it would for anyone else. Whether Xanatos simply feels a wind change and wishes to get ahead of it, or has some greater plan, no one can say.
Captain Gantu
[ ] Announce the Fox Xanatos Memorial Foundation
DC 70
71+45+20+7=143
Critical Success

Without any fanfare, David Xanatos has announced the creation of the Fox Xanatos Memorial Foundation on the third anniversary of his wife's passing. The foundation will provide financial assistance to any employees who are put into a financial burden as the result of a recent death in their family.
[ ] Break into a rich kid's house
Glomgold Enterprises
[ ] Lobby for the SRA
DC 100
1+32+40+15+8=96
Critical Failure!

To be continued in Interlude: Crashing Forwards
DC 70
???
[ ] Diversify your products
DC 80
61+34+15=110
Spectacular Success

The Middleton Drug Cartel has diversified its offerings into several distinct products that are far more stable than their previous power-granting drug. Throughout the midwest and even as far south as Texas, a new product called 'Upper' has been making the rounds, granting its users a sense of euphoria and temporary flight. There are surprisingly very few downsides, with most of the injuries coming as a result of the flight running out midair.
60+48+22+15=145
Olympia Corp
[ ] Lobby against the SRA
DC 100
54+33+42+10+2=141
Great Success

Olympia has publicly announced its support for the repeal of the SRA, shattering years of prior policy and distinctly shifting the national environment in a pro-Super direction.
Critical Success
[ ] Sponsor a cape
DC 100
85+33+42+10+2=172
Spectacular Success

Olympia only underscored this new commitment by beginning to 'sponsor' a new cape. Superheroine Voyd, who made waves during the eventful performances of the Sands Gala, has been chosen as a new face for superheroes everywhere. Olympia has indicated that it will be taking on financial responsibility for Voyd's work until such time as the SRA is repealed, explaining that they are 'that confident that Voyd's actions will prove unequivocally the aid and benefit Supers bring to our communities'.
To be continued in Interlude: Closet Encounters
Drakktech
[ ] Lobby against the SRA
DC 100
59+27+24+16+7=133
Great Success

Drakktech, to no one's surprise, publicly announced its support for the repeal of the SRA. The announcement went over very well, with some alleged 'villain truces' occurring all over the Midwest in order to celebrate the declaration.

Cloverleaf Industries
[ ] Posthumously ruin Oliver Sansweet
DC 50
29+26+30+30(???)+6=116
Critical Success

Judge Doom has begun an extremely successful posthumous smear campaign on one Oliver Sansweet, said by many to be the man single-handedly responsible for ending the Golden Age and ushering in the SRA. Sansweet has been out of the public eye for decades now, but the recent defamation campaign has brought him back in the public consciousness as nothing more than a sniveling ambulance chaser and probably communist who should never have been saved from his attempted suicide by Mr. Incredible. This scathing rhetoric had the side effect of making Judge Doom look all the better in the eyes of superhero supporters.

???
[ ] Stage an attack on the LAPD
DC 50 (Reduced by ???)
48+35+23+10=116
Critical Success

Incredible news comes out of LA today as, in a seemingly impossible attack, frighteningly funny former Fearsome Five member Quackerjack kidnapped the entire LAPD in a single afternoon! Rigging the police department as a giant spinning top, Quackerjack absconded with Chief Bonkers and nearly all his men, forcing Doom to pay a humiliating ransom for their return. While the humiliation of the police might give Doom reason to be happy that this will grant him further ammunition in both his anti-Toon and pro-Super crusades, it also comes as a terrible blow to his own finances and prestige, and has raised serious questions about the competency of the Toon Doom placed in charge of stopping crime, considering the sheer degree to which the villain appears to have just waltzed into the building.

Curiously, some early reports of the dramatic events mis-identified Quackerjack as Zaphire, a much weaker Saint Canard escapee believed to be operating in the area.

Khan Industries
[ ] Lobby for the SRA
DC 100
41+35+40+6=122
Decent Success

Khan has taken a measured, careful approach towards disapproval of the SRA. Since Cape Suzette is an unincorporated territory, Khan only has to worry so much about the status of an American law. Nonetheless, his general distaste for vigilantism has led him to rally against what he describes as 'an inefficient and chaotic means of law enforcement'.

[ ] Research fusion power
DC 150
4+23+32+10+4+30(???)=103
Failure

Khan Industries has hit a roadblock when it came to furthering their research into fusion power, or so they said in public reports.

Krakatoa
[ ] Attack the First Municiberg Bank
DC 150
67+54+50=171
Decent Success

The First Municiberg Bank, infamous for being the location from which Sansweet threw himself and ushered in the fall of the Golden Age, took heavy damage from an extremely destructive villain making her debut. Calling herself 'Krakatoa', the girl cheerfully urged patrons out of the building before setting it ablaze with some sort of incredibly destructive heat-based technique. The attack is estimated to have cost millions in damages and some inspectors are concerned the building may have to be condemned, though strangely enough, nothing was stolen. Krakatoa herself escaped unhindered after melting a crater in the street to prevent pursuit.

Laser Pirate
[ ] Rob ENCOM HQ
DC 90 (Reduced by ???)
66+27+20+40(???)=153

ENCOM HQ was broken into last week by what confused and disturbed bystanders are calling a 'digital pirate.' The so-called pirate sailed an enormous flying ship shaped like a skyscraper down Palos Verdes Drive into downtown LA, thus bypassing traffic, before staging a break-in by animatronic pirates. The 'shipscraper' or 'pirate building' was destroyed in the attack, but the Laser Pirate in charge escaped on some form of hover-dinghy. ENCOM is remaining tight-lipped about what, if anything, was stolen. Sadly, you may never know what-

[ ] Sell 'laser plans' to prominent individuals
DC 50
67+14=81

Never mind! You and several other prominent individuals around the country have received an email from one 'Captain Laser' offering to sell you an 'entirely unique' design that he recovered from ENCOM headquarters. Called the 'SHV 20905', he promises that you will find its like nowhere else, and a copy of the plans can be yours for the low low price of ten million dollars wired straight to a Swiss bank account! This is peanuts compared to what your company makes in a year, so… do you want to take him up on his offer? (A vote will be included in a later interlude.)

ENCOM
[ ] Patch security holes
DC 90
96+58+34+8=196
Critical Success

ENCOM has rolled out a mandatory update for all systems to address the concerns that most consumers have with the platform. Following the break-in at their Headquarters, they seem to have decided to take security incredibly seriously. Their update, against all logic and reason, not only failed to brick the systems but actually delivered on what they were promising! ENCOM Legacy's updated digital security is actually pretty impressive, as much as you hate to admit it. Not even DoofOS is as resistant to viruses and trojans as Legacy now appears to be.

Random Event
1d100=56
Now that the Sands Casino has returned to normal operations, Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck have opened up a live show in the casino to near-universal acclaim. Their shows have been sold out every night and the livestreams of their performances are seeing millions of views online. While the St. Canard breakout is still in the back of many minds, the return of two great stars to the stage has helped a bit in restoring some of those lovable characters' reputations.

The tarot interlude is still coming! We wanted to make it special, so we've ordered actual cards to do a reading instead of just assigning things randomly. They haven't arrived yet, but you can expect the interlude soon!
 
Throwing a Giraffe a Bone (Canon)
Throwing a Giraffe a Bone

"Ugh, this has been the worst week of my life. Not only has Phineas and Ferb not been busted for the stuff they been doing, they teamed up with that dictator pharmacist, and I got the grounding of my life. This sucks."

Candace flops on her bed, talking to a blond doll in her hand. She turns her head to face a number of posters and pictures on the wall. Ah, memories from before this terrible time such as the time when she went to Jeremy's concert, or meeting that cute little alien. Shame that all of those good times seem to be only memories.

"Candace, I'm off to the store and your father will be painting! While I'm gone I want you to"

The phone rings and Linda stops in her talk to her daughter to answer it.

"Why hello Mrs. Johnson, how are you doing today? What? Oh no, I'm sorry to hear that. Well, if you need a place to stay for a few days we can fit you in. Alright, I'll see you later tonight. Goodbye."

Linda hangs up the phone while Candace comes down the stairs dodging the hairless creature resting on one step.

"Mom, what happened to Mrs. Johnson?"
"Well honey, seems like their water pipes broke and the whole house flooded. So I offered to let them stay for a while so the house can dry out. So I'm going shopping for groceries for both us and them. You can help set up the foldable beds and give the bathrooms a cleaning while I'm gone. "


As the teenager girl works on the bathroom, ruling that as part of her grounding she had to give up her phone, the doorbell rings. She rushes to the door, opening to reveal the handsome teen and his mother carrying a number of suitcases.

"Hello Mrs Johnson, Hi Jeremy. Where's Mr. Johnson and Susie?"
"Hello Candace, Susie was spending the weekend with her grandmother and we'll just extend the time she's over there. Give your parents one less mouth to feed, ha ha. As for my husband he's giving the pipes a look over before the plumbers get there. "
"Well I wish him good luck. Can I get your bags?"
"Sure thing, most of them are on the driveway. Had to pack up quite of lot things for that painting project I was planning. That turned out rather nicely, it didn't take us long to get them over here."

Candace walks out the door letting the Johnsons into her house and surveys the pile of luggage for the first thing to pick up. After the first few trips, the teen tries reaching for a carrying case stacked on top of several suitcases. Midway through her attempt, the hairless pet runs between her legs, sending her screaming towards the ground. Just before she faceplants, a hand reaches out and catches her.

"Are you alright Candace? That was a close one."
"I'm okay Jeremy. Thanks for that, and I'm sorry for skipping out on our dates. I know you don't want to see me after doing that three times in a row. And that time when I accidently covered you in mustard. "

"Candace, it's okay. Yes, I wasn't happy with our dates getting cancelled, but it did given me some more time to practice with my band. And I would have to cancel the last one myself; my boss had called in me for some emergency overtime. Something about a bunch of Mongols demanding a feast."

"Ah, Jeremy. Thank you for that."

"So, given that we'll be spending the next few days together, any plans for us to catch up?"

"Well, I have a few ideas even with my grounding."

♪♪Like maybe, solving a puzzle, or fighting the plumbing, or climbing up the backyard tree.
Discovering old family photos, or giving the cat a shower
Practicing musical instruments or fishing stuff out of the drain.
There's nothing down there
Finding a rare bird, Painting a landscape, or trying not have my brothers drive me insane.
Phineas!
As you can see there's a whole lot of stuff to do before the repairs start this night
Out of the way Kat
So stick with us, because Candace and Jeremy are going to do it all. ♪♪

"Dad, Phineas and Ferb are playing music to our options!"

@Made in Heaven I wanted to give her a little comfort during this trying time.
 
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