I think I've realized what our long term goal for the quest should be: to appoint a Horta as Commander of Starfleet.
Or at a bare minimum to command a protagonist ship, because I really want somebody to have to write an update titled "Horta Hears a Q".
Commander Suave: "Captain sensor contacts! We're surrounded!
Captain Horta: "....."
Commander Suave: "Aye sir! Red alert shields up!
Lieutenant Fanservice: "Captain we're being hailed?!"
Captain: "...."
Lieutenant: "Putting them on the monitor!"
[Space Babe Pirate shows up]
SBP: "Federation Captain your ship is surrounded and out gunned! Surrender and I may spare your crew!]
Captain: "...."
SBP: "So you're the resilient type eh Captain? Very well prepare yourself!"
[Screen cuts off]
Ensign Newbie: "Oh space pope we're all gonna di--"
Captain: "...."
Ensign: "....Forgive me Captain. I was out of line.:
Captain: "....."
Ensign: "Yes sir! Engaging attack pattern igneous!"
[Several blown consoles, multiple red shirt casualties, and the entire GDP of a country in special effects later.]
Captain: "...."
Lieutenant: "Yes sir that was the last of them. All that's left is their leader."
[Bloodied and wounded SBP shows up]
SBP: *coughs* "W-Well fought Captain."
Captain: "....."
SBP: "Surrender? On our first date! Never! You haven't heard the last of me Captain."
[Screen cuts out]
Lieutenant Commander Serious: "Sir they're power up their engines should I disable them?"
Captain: "....."
Commander: " The captain is right, the
Insert Catchy Name is in no shape to pursue."
LC Serious: "Aye sir. Standing down to yellow alert."
Captain: "...."
Lieutenant: "Of course Sir, I'll Doctor Sensual and Chief Wrench Wench report to you in your ready room as soon as they have their reports ready."
[Captain rolls off the bridge.]
Ensign: *awe* "The captain was so amazing!"
Leiutenant Commander: "The Captain was a legend in the academy."
Lieutenant: "I've heard stories but--"
Commander: "Come on people we got work to do!"
Bridge: "Yes Commander!"