Rei doesn't strike me as a person who would have their naked photos handy. And she wasn't gone long enough to make anything. It's something she already had in her bedroom.
Definitely a hard drive of porn then.
----
In seriousness I was thinking it could be a recording of them playing music together but then she probably wouldn't keep that secret. It's a really tricky one to even contemplate what it might be.
I think I might write out and then archive the KSK scene, and save it for when it will fit better, similar to what I did with that Rei-Asuka scene to be used later. It's a past-set scene anyhow, showing the conversation that lead the three from going from 'using him as a Beard' to 'serious relationship'.
Which really was a bad metaphor, because it caused a literal divine intervention to bring them down. "This door is unbreachable" really IS the correct interpretation.
OTOH, there are literally any number of other walls she could have cited besides one who's chief historical notoriety is 'it fell', like 'This is the Great Wall of China!'. ...Maybe you should have said 'This is the Berlin Wall', Asuka?
I loved the series. I have not seen Rebellion, and do not plan to. I love Homura-Madoka just fine as is, and don't see any need to turn my favorite character into the villain. ~goes back to looking at 100% WAFFy fanart of Homu Homu and Madoka being cute together~
For the record I don't even remember this scene.
...
I really should rewatch NGE.
My reaction after watching it was along the lines "WTF was this all about?". Then I watched EoE. It didn't help.
NGE plot is really obscure compared to other anime.
At the same time all of her attempts at "flirting" with Shinji carried an (I would argue deliberate) undercurrent of "I'm not really attracted to you, I'm screwing with you because I know you find me attractive, and if you try to actually do anything about it, the other shoe will drop."
Too true. Asuka was a deep blend of mixed messages thanks to her own fears, and Shinji is really bad with mixed messages. How was he supposed to know what she really mean without risking it? And Shinji is just as averse to emotional risks as she is.
It's pretty much the same pitfall that made the canon kiss scene go how it did: Shinji couldn't be sure if she was being sincere or just messing with him, and it founders on those rocks. They just had that tiny stroke of luck in A&T. Well, then Shinji's mouth ran away with him and he babbled out that he really liked her.
"You're beautiful."
That got Asuka's eyes open. Her sparkling blue stare pinned him in place. "What?"
"You were right, I've never kissed anyone before and I'm so glad it was you for my first kiss and it was incredible and you're so beautiful and I think I really like you and oh shit I'm going to stop talking now."
Heavy silence descended. Pen-pen toddled out of his freezer, looked in at them, cocked his head, and returned to his freezer once more after acquiring a new beer. Shinji swallowed heavily.
Suddenly, Asuka spoke up. "Say it again," she demanded quietly.
He tensed. "Um….say what again?"
"What you just said. Say it again."
"I'm glad you were my first kiss, it was incredible, you're beautiful, and I…" he gulped again. "I think I like you?"
More silence.
Asuka turned her head, burying her face in the side of his neck. "Do you mean it?"
Shinji tried not to shake. He couldn't see her eyes, and her voice was …there was something intense in her tone, but he couldn't tell what. He did get the feeling that he better be very honest about what he said next, though.
The conversation that ensued is what really connected them. The kiss provided the crack in the door. Hormonal rush overriding Shinji's shyness did the rest.
OTOH, there are literally any number of other walls she could have cited besides one who's chief historical notoriety is 'it fell', like 'This is the Great Wall of China!'. ...Maybe you should have said 'This is the Berlin Wall', Asuka?
Hoo boy, that would have been... funny. But they got to keep on those Christian elements, har~
I have not seen Rebellion, and do not plan to. I love Homura-Madoka just fine as is, and don't see any need to turn my favorite character into the villain. ~goes back to looking at 100% WAFFy fanart of Homu Homu and Madoka being cute together~
Having watched Rebellion myself, I can indeed see why. *Joins in*
Too true. Asuka was a deep blend of mixed messages thanks to her own fears, and Shinji is really bad with mixed messages. How was he supposed to know what she really mean without risking it? And Shinji is just as averse to emotional risks as she is.
OTOH, there are literally any number of other walls she could have cited besides one who's chief historical notoriety is 'it fell', like 'This is the Great Wall of China!'. ...Maybe you should have said 'This is the Berlin Wall', Asuka?
Too true. Asuka was a deep blend of mixed messages thanks to her own fears, and Shinji is really bad with mixed messages. How was he supposed to know what she really mean without risking it? And Shinji is just as averse to emotional risks as she is.
That's the point. He was not "bad" as mixed messages. Given the mixed messages, he made the entirely correct choice given his preferences, i.e. avoiding emotional harm.
Hell if I know. We're posting anyhow!
@4rt1ll3ry has been likebombing the thread, that's good enough. This makes 18 weeks in a row!
This got big. It was supposed to be a short, gutpunch of a scene for Kaworu, then it turned into a big, serious talk for him and Rei. Here's just short of 4000 words of Kaworu having a bad day that finally looks up a bit.
I quite dig this pic~ Must be the hue of orange waves above them.
Chapter 9.23 Everything I Do...
+++
He was almost done with his search pattern. He'd criss-crossed the city completely over the time since his arrival, letting his senses give him a constant bearing towards his target. He could feel it right now, pulling at him, singing that constant, deep hum at the back of his mind. The unmistakable song of a Progenitor, 7 kilometers below him and a little south of where he now stood on a roof overlooking the city center.
So I remember this "hum" from some series that I could picture hearing in this scene, though I can't recall where it was from.
+++
He could hear them for blocks before he got there, faintly. By the time he walked up to her door, the music and their songs were just pouring out like an exuberant flood. He made it as far as the kitchen before his other sight resolved the glow into a sharp picture of Ayanami, Miss Soryu, and Shinji-kun sitting in Ayanami's living room, intently playing Beethoven's string trio in G Major, Op 9/1.
The cello effortlessly passed the lead to the violin, who passed it to the viola. Back and forth, weaving in and out of each other, handing the lead off over and over... and the whole time Miss Soryu and Shinji-kun shone like small suns, their souls dancing with each other as much as the music.
And Ayanami... Ayanami orbiting around them, resonating in tune with them, glowing and humming to his other hearing like the most tantalizing siren in the world.
He stopped in his tracks. Tears began to flow. It was too much. He was beautiful. They were beautiful. And she... she was beautiful.
The fact that they play this song just adds to this scene sweetly. Oh Kaworu, I know that feeling right there.
It was a mistake.
She looked even better than in his other sight and hearing alone. The completely serene look on her face, the graceful sway to her arms as she played, the tiny, heartbreaking smile on her lips... All of it because of the ones she played with. She looked happy, and loved. She radiated it. She was the full moon in a starlit sky, serene and gorgeous and unreachable. As she had ever been, and would be.
This has to be one of the most pleasant way I was ever played like a fiddle.
'They are so wonderful together. How could I ever... ever dare to think I could... be that one. To earn that look from her. How did I dare? Stupid, stupid fish, just as she calls you.'
The music went on, like a rolling river, energy and motion and inexorable pull.
'You threaten the death of all she loves just by being alive. You know your fate. And when has it ever been her?'
He had no idea how long he stood there, silently letting the tears roll down his cheeks, at once reveling in the joy pouring off them and aching that it was utterly beyond his reach. Every note was a joy and another sharp, piercing reminder of his loneliness.
Too much. Too much. He turned to leave, to flee, but his violin case bumped against the chairs beside the table, causing enough clatter to be heard over the music, which stumbled to a halt.
Listening this during some of the next paragraphs is quite crushing.
He wanted to run. He wanted to scream at her. To throw his violin at her and demand to know why she was doing this when she had told him to go. Just looking at her made the Call surge in the back of his mind, along with the urge to attack his Lilithian opposite.
And now I imagined this brutal, jump-scare-like animated scenario where Kaworu throws that violin at her in sheer anger - then cuts to him waking out of his running mind when Rei calls him again.
Shinji stood up from putting his cello into its case and stretched. Asuka did so as well next to him, earning an appreciative look from Shinji, and a small giggle in response from her.
Asuka, I kind of demand that you give her as good as yours.
His skin burned and tingled under the warmth of her hand. He shook it off and stepped back. "Why?"
"To apologize."
"To apologize," he echoed hollowly.
"Yes." She turned away for a moment, packing her viola. "I... was unprepared for... what happened. I suddenly... understood your pain. And I could not bear it. So I told you to leave, and I am sorry."
"Sorry?! Sorry?! I nearly walked to the Geofront and did what I'm constantly afraid I'll do before my conscious mind even caught up with the pain! I asked you, that day, if I was your friend! You said yes! And then... and then you told me to go! To stop being your friend! I..."
Rei's back was still to him. "I'm sorry," she said, still softer.
"I just asked you... begged you to be my friend! To not leave me to suffer alone! Not to love me, not to see your body, not anything but what you'd already said I was! And you told me to leave!"
"I know."
"Why did you hug me?!"
She stood silently with her back still to him until long after the echoes of his shout faded. She turned around, red eyes finally meeting his.
"Because... you needed it. And I..." She looked aside. "Because I could... ease your pain. By showing you you were... not alone."
"I am! You... you know I am! And how much it hurts! And now I know that... that losing that.. feeling that you are not alone feels even worse. "
"I was alone. And numbed so I would not care about the pain that it brought me every second. Until they saved me, and showed me what being... cared for could be like. I... I'm sorry. I was unready for the recognition that you are... just like me. Alone, half-Lilim, half something else, created and meant to be just a tool in another's plot for Instrumentality. Hurting. I could not bear it... I made you leave because... I thought it would hurt less. But it did not."
She stepped closer, her head down a little, hiding her eyes under the fringe of her hair. He almost raised his arms defensively.
"I stopped myself. From going down there. By... hope. That you were... not beyond my reach. A friend," he said. "By... remembering the feel of you. Of being held. I'd... I'd never been hugged before."
"You think the SEELE lab technicians that created me did? Or anyone in NERV-Berlin? I... you are a torment, Ayanami-san. You are... you understand, you are so beautiful, you distract me from the Call... and then you... push me away, ignore me, and... you have no idea how painfully beautiful you were today."
"Painfully?"
"Yes, painfully! It... it hurts to look at you, be near you! You... you are... You saw what happened when I came in and saw you! You... you have no idea how... you blaze when you are near them! And they... they are even more! I... I don't know if I want to... to be you, or be them!"
"Be... them?" Rei said, confused.
"They love you! I can see it!" Kaworu's hands clawed at this hair in frustration. "You... you hugged me and said I was your friend and I felt so much better but then you said no and told me to leave and it hurt and I almost went down there and I hate you and I want to hug again I've never been hugged before so alone it hurts you made me leave it hurts it's never been like this before I don't know what to do-"
"Stop," Rei said, putting her hands on his shoulders.
You can just imagine his hair rising up to more jagged form, breaking his usually ethereal look.
"I know!" he exploded. "I know! I don't want to kill everyone! But... it feels so right in the back of my head! An end to my pain, a filling of that burning, terrible emptiness inside me! I won't feel alone anymore!" He was panting again. "And then I come here and see you with them and remember that means killing all of you and wiping out their light and yours and..." His head sank. "I just want it to stop hurting. I don't know how much longer I can stand this. This thing is slowly taking me apart."
Rei stepped closer again. Very cautiously, she took his left hand in her right. "You are not alone."
Desperate eyes locked on hers.
"You... are friendly, cultured, a talented musician, and attractive. You are not... bad. Kaworu Nagisa is... my friend," Rei said slowly.
"......but Tabris is your enemy," Kaworu finished.
"I know. I know there are a thousand reasons why that is impossible. Beyond foolish. I... have no idea what to do. It has never been like this before!"
Rei's look sharpened. "You said that before. And... 'All this has happened before'. Explain."
He took a deep breath. "My body is Lilim, but also not. My mind is... even more mixed. I suspect weak quantum entanglement with other worlds due to proximity to Second Impact."
"Explain," Rei pressed.
"I have met Shinji Ikari before. Loved him. I think. I have seen myself die a hundred times, usually by his hand. I think." He looked up and blinked at the obvious rising frustration in her expression. "I have... visions. Déjà vu. I don't know. Just... not the future. Other futures. Not this world. But usually alike enough I can... get a general idea. When I can remember them. They're like... barely more than dream fragments."
Intriguing. Technically this makes this Kaworu a separate entity of some kind, serving a purpose of identical ones through time. I'm digging this.
Kaworu threw his hands up. "It's completely unlike them! I came here 'knowing' what Shinji Ikari was like! And you! And... all of this! Butnone of it is! He's happy! With her! They love each other with every breath! And you are..." He waved his hands at her. "Alive! Beautiful! Vivid! So much unlike the other Rei Ayanami's I've seen! And none of this is... I have no idea what to do! This... this isn't what I expected, not even close! There's...there's so much here I want to see, to... to live... I stupidly, clumsily asked you out because I wanted to. I... I thinkI've loved Shinji. The other me's, I don't know. But... when I look at them, look at you with them, I realize I don't understand anything about love at all. But... I..." He collapsed again. "I wish I was not me, so I could... find out. With you, with him, them, anyone. Not... not a tool for the end of the world that I see that has people like you and them in it."
Kaworu talking so clumsily here is quite unnatural of him, which quite makes this so sympathetic to watch considering his current state of mind.
Rei stared at him for a long time. She rose. "We will discuss this more later. For now, stand up."
He did, puzzled. His confusion only increased when she stepped closer and he was enveloped in the second hug of his life. He stiffened, then forced himself to relax. She was... warm.
"You are not alone. You are my friend. And theirs. I... cannot say that a part of me does not hate you and scream for your destruction. But... if you were not Tabris, I would not... dismiss it out of hand if you asked me out again," Rei said carefully. "I love them. I will do whatever is necessary to protect them. I... will stop you, if it comes to that. But I will... do my best to make it swift and painless. And I will mourn your memory."
A laugh that was almost a sob escaped him. "I'm being hugged by a beautiful girl, she's promising to kill me, and it's still the best thing I've felt all week."
"I... believe you when you say... you think of me and my body to distract you from the Call. I... will try not to... react as harshly."
He gave her a very weak smile. "'If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me'?" he quoted.
"Do not push your luck, Rainbow Trout."
"Why do you call me that?"
"Because you are a stupid fish who looks funny in my Sight. And that is a mark of friendship. This is why Asuka used to call me Wondergirl." Rei considered. "Why she used to after she stopped using it as a fear-generated insult, anyhow. You are a friend, so I will refer to you by a nickname."
His smile was a little less shaky. "Do I get to call you-"
He shivered in her arms. "Thank you. For this. And the music. I feel much better."
"You are welcome. This... helps prevent Tabris from overtaking Kaworu Nagisa. I can accept it as part of that."
He hesitantly raised his arms and gingerly hugged her back. "I... apologize again. I have no right to expect you to... let me touch you, stare at you, demand your care, not even as... a strange sort of way to fight my Adamite side. It is an unfair burden to place on you."
"I am aware. The pressure to do so... can poison any actual friendship we develop. I... do not hold it against you, and will try to ignore it. It can be just as selfish from my side: I could pretend all of this in the name of keeping them safe. I do not think either of us are that dishonest, however."
He shook his head a little. "I... very much do not want to be dishonest with you. I have few enough relationships of any kind to want to jeopardize them like that. I will not require anything of you. But I will thank you." His laugh was a bit more shaky. "I... I wish I was not who I am. I do not like not being able to tell Shinji-kun who I am too. I want him... to see who I really am. I... I hate it when he hates me... in the visions. I wish... I was... not me."
He laughed a bit louder, but even sadder. "How? Become someone else? Something else? Or learn to like being doomed? That sounds easier than changing what I fundamentally am: The soul of Adam in a body that only half belongs on this world."
Impossible's been done before, so have bit faith there. At least for now. :lol
"I do not know. But we will try. I do not want to have to kill a friend. And you, you stupid, annoying fish, have… become such. You bastard."
His laugh this time was less dark. "You say the strangest things when we are close like this, Ayanami-san."
She let go of him and stepped back. "Get used to it. I have discovered one of the pleasures of having friends is the concurrent ability to 'mess with them'." She sat back down in her chair.
She rose and went into her bedroom, emerging a minute later with a small, flat box, no larger than her hand. "Here. Keep this. If there is a night when the Call is strong, open it, and… use it to help fight. Or call me. I am… not unused to midnight calls for help from those in crisis."
He took the box, examining it. "What is it?"
Rei just looked at him coolly. "I do not wish to… spoil it. Do not open it until and unless you must, however. And do not discuss what you find in there. Ever."
He put it in his pocket, confused. "Alright. What now?"
"You return to your lodgings. Tomorrow, afterschool we shall… talk more. Look around the city. Find reasons for you to resist the Call. Discuss your visions. If you have any future knowledge that might help protect them, I wish to know it."
He nodded. "I… will try. I only know what 'I' see in those visions. I have little idea of things not around me."
Kaworu a Shulk from Xenoblade Chronicles now? :lol
"Anything. We both with to protect them. We will be friends and allies, Nagisa-san."
"…then can you call me Kaworu?"
Rei stared at him. She could hear the naked need and loneliness in his voice, and even more, see the odd flickers in even the chaotic strangeness of his light. "As you… yes."
I have not seen Rebellion, and do not plan to. I love Homura-Madoka just fine as is, and don't see any need to turn my favorite character into the villain.
Now that I think about it, one can draw parallels between Homura and Gendo. Between Madoka and Yui. Between Kyubey and SEELE OK this last one feels forced.
At the same time all of her attempts at "flirting" with Shinji carried an (I would argue deliberate) undercurrent of "I'm not really attracted to you, I'm screwing with you because I know you find me attractive, and if you try to actually do anything about it, the other shoe will drop."
Yes. The demand indeed for a kiss, the "I'm bored" reason, saying "are you afraid your mother is watching you from heaven", holding his nose, running away, immediately brushing her teeth afterwards...
General point: When a girl that age shoves her assets in your face... she's interested. Needs much more life experience to get the subversive side under her belt.
General point: When a girl that age shoves her assets in your face... she's interested. Needs much more life experience to get the subversive side under her belt.
General point: When a girl that age shoves her assets in your face... she's interested. Needs much more life experience to get the subversive side under her belt.
Too true. Asuka was a deep blend of mixed messages thanks to her own fears, and Shinji is really bad with mixed messages. How was he supposed to know what she really mean without risking it? And Shinji is just as averse to emotional risks as she is.
