Appletank
Acquire Cheese
>fingers twitch
Advice and Trust [NGE]
octobersanctuary
Self-appointed Master of Ceremonies
- Location
- New Zealand
- Location
- National Capital Region, USA
Update as soon as I can work out the adults' Christmas Party. Today or tomorrow.
Chapter 10.15
- Location
- National Capital Region, USA
Some scenes that I thought would take me a long time wrestling with came together rapidly this week, so here's a new update already. 4000 words of Rei telling secrets and Ritsuko trying not to. Oh, this also overlaps with the Christmas Special, which is now officially canon. Yes, all of it, including the last part.
Art!
Chapter 10.14
Choices and Sacrifices
+++
She began.
"We were the first. There were no others. Their sky was more crowded, so I conclude they lived somewhere deeper in the galaxy. But they were alone. No radio signals, no signs of life, nothing else in their skies. So they turned inward. They developed metaphysical science as much as the physical. They even created the ultimate power source, a limitless font of power they could even miniaturize and integrate into living tissue…" Rei reached up and brushed her fingertips across his throat, lighter than a feather's touch.
Kaworu closed his eyes and bit down on a frisson of sensation. "The…. the Fruit of Life," he said hoarsely after a moment. "That was what did it, wasn't it?"
Rei nodded. Her distant, clinical tone darkened. "It destroyed them. A species born mortal suddenly granted immortality, an end to scarcity and need… could not divorce itself from the old drives and neuroses. By the time the wars stopped from exhaustion and devastation, both our planet and our star were wrecked and dying. 20 billion ghosts watched over fewer than a million survivors."
She shook her head. "'Our'. I am not her. But when I remember her thoughts, her sights, it becomes harder to maintain that separation. Forgive me if my pronouns are going to be muddled." She sighed, and resumed. "Yo- He gathered the survivors. He came up with the idea to build the seven Seeds, amalgamate our souls into seven groups to fill them, watched over by seven volunteers. Volunteers who would accept being transformed in body and mind, their souls altered to become Progenitors, to steer the Seeds to new worlds and seed them with life, so that our civilization and intelligent life would not vanish completely from the galaxy. But an argument about whether we should keep the Fruit of Life began to… divide everything. It was the ultimate achievement of our civilization, but it was also the curse that had destroyed it. The fight threatened to split the survivors and doom the whole project. We were so few that it could not be done without all the survivors working together."
"I could not let that happen. You had given us hope, a way to salvage something from the end of everything. Watching the spiraling argument start to crush your smile… I… It was my idea to split us into two types, with and without the Fruit of Life. Those with it would be barely sapient, allowed to grow into the light of intelligence with the Fruit always a part of them, so they would escape the need to compete and consume that had poisoned us. Those without would be like we were before the Fruit, with their Seeds aimed for worlds that lacked the critical resources to create miniaturized Fruits, so they would have to develop spaceflight before they could possibly endanger themselves like we did. It was hoped that the two types would be more mature than we were before they met and shared their separate legacies. The Seeds were meant to… plant us on a new world, no matter the obstacles. The Call, the Progenitor's imperative to make sure this took place was made all-consuming. Stronger than conscious thought, an inherent part of the process that transformed us. The Lance Asuka used on Arael was part of the safety system, meant to shut one of us down if two Progenitors arrived on one candidate world."
"So what went wrong?" Kaworu asked, sinking slowly to the floor next to her futon. "If… I'm not supposed to be here. I… this is all my fault, isn't it? This is why you wouldn't tell me before. You didn't want me to feel even more guilt over what I'd do-"
"No," Rei cut him off. She sank onto her futon too, but could not meet his eyes. "Not your fault. Mine. I mean hers. I… grrrrh." Rei put her hands to her temples. "She… liked him. Had a crush on him. Something. But she was… shy. She thought things were too close to the edge, that saving our people took priority over starting some fumbling attempt at romance at the end of the world. In actuality, I think she was just... afraid. So she never said anything. Just watched him, for that smile that always gave them all hope." Rei sighed in frustration. "She was an idiot. She did not learn until after she had been transformed, and literally moments before they launched the Seeds, that he had been… the same. About her. They had mutually been silent out of fear, afraid to even show each other anything. So it was that thought, that melancholy, which consumed Lilith's mind when she went into the mostly-passive hibernation from which she was supposed to steer the Black Moon across space to a new star. When she awoke, she saw… his White Moon already making planetfall here. She had unconsciously followed him. But two Seeds could not occupy one world. The Call would drive two Progenitors to compete against each other to destruction. Her following had upset every plan they'd made. This world had plenty of materials to make Fruits of Life. It could endanger everything. Lilith's distress caused her to fumble the landing. Her Lance was destroyed. So Adam's Lance activated and put him back into hibernation until the Katsuragi Expedition woke him up. Second Impact resulted. And now we are here."
Kaworu stared at her. "I… She…" He lapsed into silence.
Rei waited, finally able to look him in the face after a few minutes more.
Eventually, Kaworu sighed as well. "This is… a lot to process, Ayanami. I… so it is by the grace of SEELE's hubristic ambition that I am half-Lilim, and thus able to think and communicate with you despite opposing Calls? That we have a chance to stop this because of that?" He gave her a weak smile.
That smile. His.
Rei felt her head almost physically snap back in recognition. "You…"
Kaworu continued without noticing her interruption, his eyes far off. "You were right, you were giving me hope back. And it is… We have this chance because SEELE thought they could use me, use us all to make themselves gods. That's… almost funny."
Rei waited. Kaworu just continued to stare into space, that smile on his lips. "You're not going to say anything about her... being stupid?" she said at last.
He shook his head, that smile turning to face her. "No. I… if what you say is true, he was as much to blame for that as she was. Either one of them could have said something. That is one way I know for sure you are not her, nor I he. We do not… lie to each other or ourselves that way. You know I like you, Ayanami. And you gave me hope when all I could see was death. I will never… be silent with you."
He gestured towards the door and the rest of the apartment. "I know you love them. I can see it all over your Light, hear it in your Song, fractured though it is. You are not her, mutely crushing on him. I am not him, to be so lucky. But… you've made me truly believe there is a path that does not require my death. Because we are friends. If despite everything, ancient catastrophes, the Call, SEELE's conspiracies, you and I can defy it all and be… what we are for each other, then maybe there is nothing we cannot do."
Rei stared at him like she was trying to drill through to the back of his skull. "That's it? I tell you about the hubris, tragedy, and sheer stupidity on both a societal and personal scale that has led us to stand at the brink of another apocalypse, and you… talk about love and friendship?!" she exclaimed. "You… you… stupid fish!"
"If it makes you feel better, I am trying to suppress the urge to scream, panic, and sob and the urge to shout in joy, hope, and um… hug and kiss you and stu…" He turned a little red. "So, focusing on the fact this fills me with hope and confidence that we can truly beat the Call and everything… is probably better."
He swallowed. "What… what you said this morning, how you hate that you cannot say 'yes'... does that mean if there was no SEELE, no NERV… if we were not what we are, if we were just Rei and Kaworu… you would say yes?" His voice dwindled as he spoke, ending on a near squeak of nervousness.
"I tell you about the fall of an ancient and advanced civilization, the root of all our woes here on this planet, and that is what you want to know?"
Kaworu's face was still slightly flushed, but his gaze was disconcertingly steady. "Because that's what's important to me to know, Ayanami. Ancient civilizations and tragedies I'll contemplate all night, I'm sure, but right now, what I can affect, and what I… really want to know is… what you'd say."
Rei looked away at the window out over the balcony, the far wall, the door, anywhere but at him. "I… I would… I love them. I know this. You know this. I can't… we shouldn't… I…" Rei closed her eyes. ".........yes. I would say yes. I want to say yes. I want us to be free to say it."
Rei almost jumped into the air from kneeling on her futon as she felt Kaworu hesitantly take her hand.
"Thank you. We are not inherent enemies. We are not beholden to ancient programming or conspiracies or lies. We are friends who like each other because we choose to be," Kaworu smiled. "Like you told me: There is always choice. I am the Angel of Free Will. I choose… this," he said, gently squeezing her hand.
He released her hand, stood up, and then looked slightly awkward when he immediately offered her his hand again to help her up. "Shall we go make music with our friends?"
"Idiot."
She took his hand anyway, and rose.
+++
"Shinji-kun, could you… give me some advice?"
"Um, sure? If I can offer anything useful?" Shinji had wondered why Kaworu had been jittering so much when he asked Asuka to go on ahead with Rei on their walk to school this morning, pleading the need to have some 'guys' talk' with Shinji. Though Shinji found the idea of anyone asking him for advice as a guy to be somewhere between laughable and mystifying.
"I have no family to give ah… Christmas gifts to, but Miss Soryu mentioned 'special people in your life'. Would it be appropriate for me to give a gift to Ayanami?"
Shinji tried not so smile too widely. "Yes, of course. Asuka and I are too. Rei is very special to all of us."
Kaworu looked both reassured and more worried at the same time. "Ah, good. I um… thought so, but wanted to check. Which leads to the part I wanted help with." At Shinji's questioning look, Kaworu gulped. "I have absolutely no idea what to get her. Your example of a concerto for Miss Soryu's birthday seemed to be brilliant and impressive, so I thought I would ask you, since you have known Ayanami longer."
Shinji blushed and looked away. "I uh… I had kind of a special motivation with Asuka. I'd never had a um… girlfriend before, and I knew Asuka hadn't had a good birthday in years, so I went a bit overboard on that. You don't have to write Rei a piece of music or anything. I don't think she's ever gotten Christmas gifts before, so I think she'll be happy with anything from us at all."
"But I want to impress her too, just like that! You made Miss Soryu just… her Song was so beautiful! She just lit up! I want to make Ayanami that happy!" Kaworu exclaimed. "But as I have said, I…. can't do that. Nothing like what you do."
"Ummm… I really don't think the few days left before Christmas are enough time for me to write another-"
Kaworu shook his head. "No, no, not like that! I wouldn't ask you to do that much and then call it a gift from me! I… gah, if only I had your ability! I want to make her happy, music seemed like a good way, but I can't write my own!"
Shinji blinked as a thought struck him. "Well, yeah, there's no time to write a whole new piece in the next couple days, but if you want to make a personalized gift of music, maybe you could make her a mix tape?"
"A what?"
"You take existing songs from various sources and arrange them on a tape yourself. The choice of songs and order can be a way to convey specific feelings or even make something like a tone poem. I used to play one I made myself on my SDAT all the time, which is what made me think of it."
Kaworu blinked, then lit up like the sun rising. "Take… existing songs… I can do that. I can do that!" He grabbed Shinji and hugged him. "That's it! That's it! I can do that! Thank you, Shinji-kun! Thank you!"
"Um… what can I say, except 'you're welcome'?"
+++
Misato smirked and saluted Lieutenant Hyuga with her can of beer as he turned to leave with Lieutenant Satsuki Ooi. She'd been unsure how to deal with her subordinate's noticeable sadness at her rekindled relationship with Kaji. Once it became too apparent that Misato was no longer a single woman for him to crush on, he'd been rather down. But an honest talk with him on the balcony during the party and mentioning that Ooi had long been interested in him had brightened his day considerably. He'd been a great help to Misato's growing little counter-NERV/SEELE cabal, digging into files they were restricted from and going well above and beyond the rules for her. It felt good not to let him be stuck thinking he'd been friendzoned out of some 'nice guys finish last' misunderstanding. Truth be told, if she had been a single woman, Misato would have considered him. He was smart and cute.
It was late into the party already. The sounds of the matching teenagers' party in Rei's apartment had mostly faded to silence. Hyuga and Satsuki were the next to last guests to leave, with just Kaji, her, Ritsuko, and Lieutenant Ibuki still in the apartment, the detritus of a cheery NERV workers Christmas party still all around. Misato had kept things lively, a beer in hand at all times. She took a sip off the current one.
"You're not fooling anyone, Misato," Ritsuko said from her spot at the kotatsu in the living room. "That's only the fourth beer I've seen you have all evening, and I know that little won't affect you at all."
Misato turned around, her smirk fading into a more serious, slightly grim smile. "Still as sharp as ever, Rits. Yeah, that was camouflage. Party's over. Now we get down to business. All the prying eyes are gone." Misato's smirk returned and she pointed at the young woman seated next to her old college roommate. "That means, among other things, you are now safe to lean against your girlfriend like you've been wanting to all evening, Lieutenant Ibuki."
The slender young woman let out an embarrassed "Meep!" and blushed, but did as Misato had suggested, a contented smile spreading on her face. Ritsuko colored some herself. "Misato, you are such a teasing bitch sometimes."
"Gotta get my laughs somewhere," Misato said, chuckling. "It's hard to get as much a reaction out of Shinji and Asuka these days. Well, Asuka, anyhow. Shinji's still a bit susceptible, but Asuka doesn't give a damn. Hell, she revels in it, flaunting her boyfriend."
Ritsuko shook her head. "I still can't believe those two are a couple. Them working together for the synch training to beat the Seventh Angel is one thing, but a real pair?"
"And then sneaking it all past us all for months, apparently," Misato acknowledged. "Then again, I could say the same 'I can't believe they're a couple' about you two as well."
Ritsuko looked down and toyed aimlessly with her own beer can. "Thank you for... not saying anything, Misato. And things like this. It's not like Maya and I can just go out like a normal couple, not without some kind of smokescreen like this."
Misato nodded. She sat down at the kotatsu herself, right next to Kaji, who merely shifted to let her comfortably nestle in beside him. "You're welcome, but you also know I'm not doing this just as a favor to an old roomie. When I mentioned I could see you two were a thing, you acted like your lives were in danger. Don't tell me Maya's family disapproving is what had you worried. You looked like you were afraid someone was about to come through the door with a gun. And then you pass me that note about you actively hiding things about Rei's treatment from Commander Ikari? Time to talk, Rits. What's going on here?"
Maya paled, and nervously looked from Misato to Ritsuko and back. Ritsuko's mouth tightened, and she nodded jerkily. "The... the truth is... I was... I am Commander Ikari's... mistress. Not that I want to be anymore. But if he gets the idea I'm not on his string anymore, I... know too much for him to just let me walk away from him. So if anyone finds out Maya and I are are together... yes, our lives will be in danger. As for the rest... I can't tell you everything. Some of it's too dangerous, and some of it's not my secret to tell. The First Child has asked me to... let her be the one to explain some key parts, after the next Angel."
"Funny, she's asked the same of us," Misato said dryly. "Shinji and Asuka vouch for her sincerity, and given how close they are, we accept it. You're lucky we all trust Rei enough not to press her. I'm still not sure I should let you hold back too. I haven't forgotten or forgiven the things we know you did to Rei with all those drugs. And there's a lot more we already know, Ritsuko. The Angel in the basement of the Geofront is only the start, isn't it?"
Ritsuko shifted uneasily in her seat. "Misato, I... yes, there's a lot. And if you know that much, you know how deadly serious some of these secrets are. Which should give you some notion of how much worse the stuff we're still holding back is."
"R-Ritsuko has... told me everything, Major," Maya spoke up nervously. "A-as a backup. If anything... happens to her." She worriedly clutched at Ritsuko's hand, lacing their fingers together. "But nothing is going to. Because she's going to be careful, right?" she addressed her lover.
Misato raised an eyebrow at Ritsuko. "You can't tell us, but you told her everything?"
Ritsuko looked down again for a moment before she could raise her eyes to meet Misato's again. "Yes, I had to. I... I've done terrible things, Misato. To Rei, for him... I'll be lucky if they don't hang me when this is all over, if any of us are still alive. I spent a long, long time deluding myself that what I was doing was justified, that it would all be worth it, even the things I knew were wrong, if I could... get what I wanted. When I couldn't keep up that delusion up any longer, I... got low. Really low. I nearly..." Ritsuko took a deep breath. "If I hadn't called Rei that night, and if she hadn't answered, we might not be here to have this conversation, alright? And Rei is the one that told me to... confess to Maya. In all senses. Because I really, really needed to. Maya accepted me, and... well, now I owe Rei more than I can ever repay. Rei forgave me... pretty much everything, as long as I work to make up for it. So yes, I am concealing things from the Commander about what she's doing, what she's feeling, and... I'm on her side now. Not the Commander's."
"Which is also not SEELE's," Kaji said quietly.
Ritsuko blanched when he said the name, and jerked a look at Kaji. "Y-Yes. Not theirs either. The Commander's Scenario is... parallel with theirs up until near the end, but... I think they're aware he's not following their script anymore."
"Is that why they sabotaged the Dummy Plug plant?" Kaji asked.
Ritsuko and Maya both twitched. "Ah... yes," Ritsuko said after a moment. "It crippled our ability to make any more, and was a warning. They'd ordered him to shut it down months ago. The attack was meant to show that not only did they know he'd disobeyed, but they could strike at us whenever they wanted."
"I'm not surprised he brought me back in to hunt for any more of SEELE's agents, then," Kaji rumbled. "I'm good at this and know enough to dig in the right places and ask the right questions, but also not part of his inner circle. I'm expendable. SEELE already probably wants me dead anyhow."
Misato elbowed him. "Not to me, you're not. You be twice as careful as Ritsuko, you hear me? You owe me years."
"Yes, dear."
Misato refocused on Ritsuko. "We're all already waist-deep in a vast conspiracy between SEELE and NERV, both of them are actually working on plans to end the world on their own terms, and just knowing that is enough for us to be at risk of getting killed or 'disappeared'. You're telling me there's worse? I'm not 'Miss Groundbreaking Pioneer in AI and Metaphysical Biology Research' the way you are, Rits, but I'm not stupid either. There's a limited number of things that could possibly be worse than all that, and I'm going to be working on what."
Ritsuko looked pained. "Misato, I literally owe Rei my life, my sanity, my relationship with someone who actually loves me, and whatever hope I have of any redemption in the future. If she wants me to let her be the one to tell you everything, I'm going to honor that."
"After the next Angel," Kaji said. "Why?"
"You'll understand when she tells you," Ritsuko said sadly.
"I'm getting just a little tired of that phrase," Misato grumbled. "I'm almost wishing the next Angel would come tomorrow, just to get this over with."
"I'm sorry. Please believe me, Misato, I really do want to... to earn Rei's forgiveness for what I've done. Yours too," Ritsuko pleaded.
"I thought Rei had already forgiven you?"
Ritsuko smiled sadly. "She has. Doesn't mean I feel I've earned it. But it lets me go on."
Maya kissed her cheek. "We'll make it, Ritsuko. I love you. Always remember that."
Ritsuko's smile got marginally less shaky.
Misato sighed and rolled her head around on her neck until it popped. "Fine. The next Angel. We're going to have another little talk after Rei tells us... whatever it is that's got her so twisted in knots these days. What the fuck did NERV do to her and Nagisa, Rits?"
Ritsuko shook her head again. "Trust me, Misato. Once you know, you'll wish you hadn't asked."
"Merry Christmas to all..." Misato muttered. "Glad to have you back on the side of the angels, Rits." She hesitated. "Well, the good side, anyhow."
Ritsuko gave her a twisted smile. "You said it." She raised her beer. "Cheers, and may we all still be here next year to do this again."
Misato nodded, raising her own. "Amen. Bottoms up!"
+++
Art!
Chapter 10.14
Choices and Sacrifices
+++
She began.
"We were the first. There were no others. Their sky was more crowded, so I conclude they lived somewhere deeper in the galaxy. But they were alone. No radio signals, no signs of life, nothing else in their skies. So they turned inward. They developed metaphysical science as much as the physical. They even created the ultimate power source, a limitless font of power they could even miniaturize and integrate into living tissue…" Rei reached up and brushed her fingertips across his throat, lighter than a feather's touch.
Kaworu closed his eyes and bit down on a frisson of sensation. "The…. the Fruit of Life," he said hoarsely after a moment. "That was what did it, wasn't it?"
Rei nodded. Her distant, clinical tone darkened. "It destroyed them. A species born mortal suddenly granted immortality, an end to scarcity and need… could not divorce itself from the old drives and neuroses. By the time the wars stopped from exhaustion and devastation, both our planet and our star were wrecked and dying. 20 billion ghosts watched over fewer than a million survivors."
She shook her head. "'Our'. I am not her. But when I remember her thoughts, her sights, it becomes harder to maintain that separation. Forgive me if my pronouns are going to be muddled." She sighed, and resumed. "Yo- He gathered the survivors. He came up with the idea to build the seven Seeds, amalgamate our souls into seven groups to fill them, watched over by seven volunteers. Volunteers who would accept being transformed in body and mind, their souls altered to become Progenitors, to steer the Seeds to new worlds and seed them with life, so that our civilization and intelligent life would not vanish completely from the galaxy. But an argument about whether we should keep the Fruit of Life began to… divide everything. It was the ultimate achievement of our civilization, but it was also the curse that had destroyed it. The fight threatened to split the survivors and doom the whole project. We were so few that it could not be done without all the survivors working together."
"I could not let that happen. You had given us hope, a way to salvage something from the end of everything. Watching the spiraling argument start to crush your smile… I… It was my idea to split us into two types, with and without the Fruit of Life. Those with it would be barely sapient, allowed to grow into the light of intelligence with the Fruit always a part of them, so they would escape the need to compete and consume that had poisoned us. Those without would be like we were before the Fruit, with their Seeds aimed for worlds that lacked the critical resources to create miniaturized Fruits, so they would have to develop spaceflight before they could possibly endanger themselves like we did. It was hoped that the two types would be more mature than we were before they met and shared their separate legacies. The Seeds were meant to… plant us on a new world, no matter the obstacles. The Call, the Progenitor's imperative to make sure this took place was made all-consuming. Stronger than conscious thought, an inherent part of the process that transformed us. The Lance Asuka used on Arael was part of the safety system, meant to shut one of us down if two Progenitors arrived on one candidate world."
"So what went wrong?" Kaworu asked, sinking slowly to the floor next to her futon. "If… I'm not supposed to be here. I… this is all my fault, isn't it? This is why you wouldn't tell me before. You didn't want me to feel even more guilt over what I'd do-"
"No," Rei cut him off. She sank onto her futon too, but could not meet his eyes. "Not your fault. Mine. I mean hers. I… grrrrh." Rei put her hands to her temples. "She… liked him. Had a crush on him. Something. But she was… shy. She thought things were too close to the edge, that saving our people took priority over starting some fumbling attempt at romance at the end of the world. In actuality, I think she was just... afraid. So she never said anything. Just watched him, for that smile that always gave them all hope." Rei sighed in frustration. "She was an idiot. She did not learn until after she had been transformed, and literally moments before they launched the Seeds, that he had been… the same. About her. They had mutually been silent out of fear, afraid to even show each other anything. So it was that thought, that melancholy, which consumed Lilith's mind when she went into the mostly-passive hibernation from which she was supposed to steer the Black Moon across space to a new star. When she awoke, she saw… his White Moon already making planetfall here. She had unconsciously followed him. But two Seeds could not occupy one world. The Call would drive two Progenitors to compete against each other to destruction. Her following had upset every plan they'd made. This world had plenty of materials to make Fruits of Life. It could endanger everything. Lilith's distress caused her to fumble the landing. Her Lance was destroyed. So Adam's Lance activated and put him back into hibernation until the Katsuragi Expedition woke him up. Second Impact resulted. And now we are here."
Kaworu stared at her. "I… She…" He lapsed into silence.
Rei waited, finally able to look him in the face after a few minutes more.
Eventually, Kaworu sighed as well. "This is… a lot to process, Ayanami. I… so it is by the grace of SEELE's hubristic ambition that I am half-Lilim, and thus able to think and communicate with you despite opposing Calls? That we have a chance to stop this because of that?" He gave her a weak smile.
That smile. His.
Rei felt her head almost physically snap back in recognition. "You…"
Kaworu continued without noticing her interruption, his eyes far off. "You were right, you were giving me hope back. And it is… We have this chance because SEELE thought they could use me, use us all to make themselves gods. That's… almost funny."
Rei waited. Kaworu just continued to stare into space, that smile on his lips. "You're not going to say anything about her... being stupid?" she said at last.
He shook his head, that smile turning to face her. "No. I… if what you say is true, he was as much to blame for that as she was. Either one of them could have said something. That is one way I know for sure you are not her, nor I he. We do not… lie to each other or ourselves that way. You know I like you, Ayanami. And you gave me hope when all I could see was death. I will never… be silent with you."
He gestured towards the door and the rest of the apartment. "I know you love them. I can see it all over your Light, hear it in your Song, fractured though it is. You are not her, mutely crushing on him. I am not him, to be so lucky. But… you've made me truly believe there is a path that does not require my death. Because we are friends. If despite everything, ancient catastrophes, the Call, SEELE's conspiracies, you and I can defy it all and be… what we are for each other, then maybe there is nothing we cannot do."
Rei stared at him like she was trying to drill through to the back of his skull. "That's it? I tell you about the hubris, tragedy, and sheer stupidity on both a societal and personal scale that has led us to stand at the brink of another apocalypse, and you… talk about love and friendship?!" she exclaimed. "You… you… stupid fish!"
"If it makes you feel better, I am trying to suppress the urge to scream, panic, and sob and the urge to shout in joy, hope, and um… hug and kiss you and stu…" He turned a little red. "So, focusing on the fact this fills me with hope and confidence that we can truly beat the Call and everything… is probably better."
He swallowed. "What… what you said this morning, how you hate that you cannot say 'yes'... does that mean if there was no SEELE, no NERV… if we were not what we are, if we were just Rei and Kaworu… you would say yes?" His voice dwindled as he spoke, ending on a near squeak of nervousness.
"I tell you about the fall of an ancient and advanced civilization, the root of all our woes here on this planet, and that is what you want to know?"
Kaworu's face was still slightly flushed, but his gaze was disconcertingly steady. "Because that's what's important to me to know, Ayanami. Ancient civilizations and tragedies I'll contemplate all night, I'm sure, but right now, what I can affect, and what I… really want to know is… what you'd say."
Rei looked away at the window out over the balcony, the far wall, the door, anywhere but at him. "I… I would… I love them. I know this. You know this. I can't… we shouldn't… I…" Rei closed her eyes. ".........yes. I would say yes. I want to say yes. I want us to be free to say it."
Rei almost jumped into the air from kneeling on her futon as she felt Kaworu hesitantly take her hand.
"Thank you. We are not inherent enemies. We are not beholden to ancient programming or conspiracies or lies. We are friends who like each other because we choose to be," Kaworu smiled. "Like you told me: There is always choice. I am the Angel of Free Will. I choose… this," he said, gently squeezing her hand.
He released her hand, stood up, and then looked slightly awkward when he immediately offered her his hand again to help her up. "Shall we go make music with our friends?"
"Idiot."
She took his hand anyway, and rose.
+++
"Shinji-kun, could you… give me some advice?"
"Um, sure? If I can offer anything useful?" Shinji had wondered why Kaworu had been jittering so much when he asked Asuka to go on ahead with Rei on their walk to school this morning, pleading the need to have some 'guys' talk' with Shinji. Though Shinji found the idea of anyone asking him for advice as a guy to be somewhere between laughable and mystifying.
"I have no family to give ah… Christmas gifts to, but Miss Soryu mentioned 'special people in your life'. Would it be appropriate for me to give a gift to Ayanami?"
Shinji tried not so smile too widely. "Yes, of course. Asuka and I are too. Rei is very special to all of us."
Kaworu looked both reassured and more worried at the same time. "Ah, good. I um… thought so, but wanted to check. Which leads to the part I wanted help with." At Shinji's questioning look, Kaworu gulped. "I have absolutely no idea what to get her. Your example of a concerto for Miss Soryu's birthday seemed to be brilliant and impressive, so I thought I would ask you, since you have known Ayanami longer."
Shinji blushed and looked away. "I uh… I had kind of a special motivation with Asuka. I'd never had a um… girlfriend before, and I knew Asuka hadn't had a good birthday in years, so I went a bit overboard on that. You don't have to write Rei a piece of music or anything. I don't think she's ever gotten Christmas gifts before, so I think she'll be happy with anything from us at all."
"But I want to impress her too, just like that! You made Miss Soryu just… her Song was so beautiful! She just lit up! I want to make Ayanami that happy!" Kaworu exclaimed. "But as I have said, I…. can't do that. Nothing like what you do."
"Ummm… I really don't think the few days left before Christmas are enough time for me to write another-"
Kaworu shook his head. "No, no, not like that! I wouldn't ask you to do that much and then call it a gift from me! I… gah, if only I had your ability! I want to make her happy, music seemed like a good way, but I can't write my own!"
Shinji blinked as a thought struck him. "Well, yeah, there's no time to write a whole new piece in the next couple days, but if you want to make a personalized gift of music, maybe you could make her a mix tape?"
"A what?"
"You take existing songs from various sources and arrange them on a tape yourself. The choice of songs and order can be a way to convey specific feelings or even make something like a tone poem. I used to play one I made myself on my SDAT all the time, which is what made me think of it."
Kaworu blinked, then lit up like the sun rising. "Take… existing songs… I can do that. I can do that!" He grabbed Shinji and hugged him. "That's it! That's it! I can do that! Thank you, Shinji-kun! Thank you!"
"Um… what can I say, except 'you're welcome'?"
+++
Misato smirked and saluted Lieutenant Hyuga with her can of beer as he turned to leave with Lieutenant Satsuki Ooi. She'd been unsure how to deal with her subordinate's noticeable sadness at her rekindled relationship with Kaji. Once it became too apparent that Misato was no longer a single woman for him to crush on, he'd been rather down. But an honest talk with him on the balcony during the party and mentioning that Ooi had long been interested in him had brightened his day considerably. He'd been a great help to Misato's growing little counter-NERV/SEELE cabal, digging into files they were restricted from and going well above and beyond the rules for her. It felt good not to let him be stuck thinking he'd been friendzoned out of some 'nice guys finish last' misunderstanding. Truth be told, if she had been a single woman, Misato would have considered him. He was smart and cute.
It was late into the party already. The sounds of the matching teenagers' party in Rei's apartment had mostly faded to silence. Hyuga and Satsuki were the next to last guests to leave, with just Kaji, her, Ritsuko, and Lieutenant Ibuki still in the apartment, the detritus of a cheery NERV workers Christmas party still all around. Misato had kept things lively, a beer in hand at all times. She took a sip off the current one.
"You're not fooling anyone, Misato," Ritsuko said from her spot at the kotatsu in the living room. "That's only the fourth beer I've seen you have all evening, and I know that little won't affect you at all."
Misato turned around, her smirk fading into a more serious, slightly grim smile. "Still as sharp as ever, Rits. Yeah, that was camouflage. Party's over. Now we get down to business. All the prying eyes are gone." Misato's smirk returned and she pointed at the young woman seated next to her old college roommate. "That means, among other things, you are now safe to lean against your girlfriend like you've been wanting to all evening, Lieutenant Ibuki."
The slender young woman let out an embarrassed "Meep!" and blushed, but did as Misato had suggested, a contented smile spreading on her face. Ritsuko colored some herself. "Misato, you are such a teasing bitch sometimes."
"Gotta get my laughs somewhere," Misato said, chuckling. "It's hard to get as much a reaction out of Shinji and Asuka these days. Well, Asuka, anyhow. Shinji's still a bit susceptible, but Asuka doesn't give a damn. Hell, she revels in it, flaunting her boyfriend."
Ritsuko shook her head. "I still can't believe those two are a couple. Them working together for the synch training to beat the Seventh Angel is one thing, but a real pair?"
"And then sneaking it all past us all for months, apparently," Misato acknowledged. "Then again, I could say the same 'I can't believe they're a couple' about you two as well."
Ritsuko looked down and toyed aimlessly with her own beer can. "Thank you for... not saying anything, Misato. And things like this. It's not like Maya and I can just go out like a normal couple, not without some kind of smokescreen like this."
Misato nodded. She sat down at the kotatsu herself, right next to Kaji, who merely shifted to let her comfortably nestle in beside him. "You're welcome, but you also know I'm not doing this just as a favor to an old roomie. When I mentioned I could see you two were a thing, you acted like your lives were in danger. Don't tell me Maya's family disapproving is what had you worried. You looked like you were afraid someone was about to come through the door with a gun. And then you pass me that note about you actively hiding things about Rei's treatment from Commander Ikari? Time to talk, Rits. What's going on here?"
Maya paled, and nervously looked from Misato to Ritsuko and back. Ritsuko's mouth tightened, and she nodded jerkily. "The... the truth is... I was... I am Commander Ikari's... mistress. Not that I want to be anymore. But if he gets the idea I'm not on his string anymore, I... know too much for him to just let me walk away from him. So if anyone finds out Maya and I are are together... yes, our lives will be in danger. As for the rest... I can't tell you everything. Some of it's too dangerous, and some of it's not my secret to tell. The First Child has asked me to... let her be the one to explain some key parts, after the next Angel."
"Funny, she's asked the same of us," Misato said dryly. "Shinji and Asuka vouch for her sincerity, and given how close they are, we accept it. You're lucky we all trust Rei enough not to press her. I'm still not sure I should let you hold back too. I haven't forgotten or forgiven the things we know you did to Rei with all those drugs. And there's a lot more we already know, Ritsuko. The Angel in the basement of the Geofront is only the start, isn't it?"
Ritsuko shifted uneasily in her seat. "Misato, I... yes, there's a lot. And if you know that much, you know how deadly serious some of these secrets are. Which should give you some notion of how much worse the stuff we're still holding back is."
"R-Ritsuko has... told me everything, Major," Maya spoke up nervously. "A-as a backup. If anything... happens to her." She worriedly clutched at Ritsuko's hand, lacing their fingers together. "But nothing is going to. Because she's going to be careful, right?" she addressed her lover.
Misato raised an eyebrow at Ritsuko. "You can't tell us, but you told her everything?"
Ritsuko looked down again for a moment before she could raise her eyes to meet Misato's again. "Yes, I had to. I... I've done terrible things, Misato. To Rei, for him... I'll be lucky if they don't hang me when this is all over, if any of us are still alive. I spent a long, long time deluding myself that what I was doing was justified, that it would all be worth it, even the things I knew were wrong, if I could... get what I wanted. When I couldn't keep up that delusion up any longer, I... got low. Really low. I nearly..." Ritsuko took a deep breath. "If I hadn't called Rei that night, and if she hadn't answered, we might not be here to have this conversation, alright? And Rei is the one that told me to... confess to Maya. In all senses. Because I really, really needed to. Maya accepted me, and... well, now I owe Rei more than I can ever repay. Rei forgave me... pretty much everything, as long as I work to make up for it. So yes, I am concealing things from the Commander about what she's doing, what she's feeling, and... I'm on her side now. Not the Commander's."
"Which is also not SEELE's," Kaji said quietly.
Ritsuko blanched when he said the name, and jerked a look at Kaji. "Y-Yes. Not theirs either. The Commander's Scenario is... parallel with theirs up until near the end, but... I think they're aware he's not following their script anymore."
"Is that why they sabotaged the Dummy Plug plant?" Kaji asked.
Ritsuko and Maya both twitched. "Ah... yes," Ritsuko said after a moment. "It crippled our ability to make any more, and was a warning. They'd ordered him to shut it down months ago. The attack was meant to show that not only did they know he'd disobeyed, but they could strike at us whenever they wanted."
"I'm not surprised he brought me back in to hunt for any more of SEELE's agents, then," Kaji rumbled. "I'm good at this and know enough to dig in the right places and ask the right questions, but also not part of his inner circle. I'm expendable. SEELE already probably wants me dead anyhow."
Misato elbowed him. "Not to me, you're not. You be twice as careful as Ritsuko, you hear me? You owe me years."
"Yes, dear."
Misato refocused on Ritsuko. "We're all already waist-deep in a vast conspiracy between SEELE and NERV, both of them are actually working on plans to end the world on their own terms, and just knowing that is enough for us to be at risk of getting killed or 'disappeared'. You're telling me there's worse? I'm not 'Miss Groundbreaking Pioneer in AI and Metaphysical Biology Research' the way you are, Rits, but I'm not stupid either. There's a limited number of things that could possibly be worse than all that, and I'm going to be working on what."
Ritsuko looked pained. "Misato, I literally owe Rei my life, my sanity, my relationship with someone who actually loves me, and whatever hope I have of any redemption in the future. If she wants me to let her be the one to tell you everything, I'm going to honor that."
"After the next Angel," Kaji said. "Why?"
"You'll understand when she tells you," Ritsuko said sadly.
"I'm getting just a little tired of that phrase," Misato grumbled. "I'm almost wishing the next Angel would come tomorrow, just to get this over with."
"I'm sorry. Please believe me, Misato, I really do want to... to earn Rei's forgiveness for what I've done. Yours too," Ritsuko pleaded.
"I thought Rei had already forgiven you?"
Ritsuko smiled sadly. "She has. Doesn't mean I feel I've earned it. But it lets me go on."
Maya kissed her cheek. "We'll make it, Ritsuko. I love you. Always remember that."
Ritsuko's smile got marginally less shaky.
Misato sighed and rolled her head around on her neck until it popped. "Fine. The next Angel. We're going to have another little talk after Rei tells us... whatever it is that's got her so twisted in knots these days. What the fuck did NERV do to her and Nagisa, Rits?"
Ritsuko shook her head again. "Trust me, Misato. Once you know, you'll wish you hadn't asked."
"Merry Christmas to all..." Misato muttered. "Glad to have you back on the side of the angels, Rits." She hesitated. "Well, the good side, anyhow."
Ritsuko gave her a twisted smile. "You said it." She raised her beer. "Cheers, and may we all still be here next year to do this again."
Misato nodded, raising her own. "Amen. Bottoms up!"
+++
- Location
- National Capital Region, USA
Seven minutes?!
grommile
nasty-minded old cynic
- Location
- NERV-Mercia
- Pronouns
- Traditional/Animate
Yes. I tend to consume text at a somewhat ravenous pace when it excites and engages me
ltmauve
"Excuse me?"
- Location
- Earth
- Pronouns
- She/Her
Did it in like six. While tabbing over to another forum. *shrug*
Lone Courier 6
Devilish Fool
- Location
- United States of Quests
We chew through waff in minutes, like Piranahas, what do you expect? how else do we go so stir crazy, so quickly?
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- Location
- Edinburgh
Really lovely update there, I loved seeing more background given to the FAR with the Rei/Kaworu conversation.
What was really good was seeing Ritsuko/Maya/Kaji and Misato all finally get onto the same page. There have been hints here and there for a while but now they are all finally one team and working together. Gendo's grip on things is slipping.
What was really good was seeing Ritsuko/Maya/Kaji and Misato all finally get onto the same page. There have been hints here and there for a while but now they are all finally one team and working together. Gendo's grip on things is slipping.
Timerider
That guy who really should get out more.
- Location
- The End of the World.
Wait until Rei tells the others about her backstory.
Asuka: "So this entire mess is the result of two Sufficiently Advanced Aliens having a galacticly terminal case of Cannot Spit It Out."
Rei: "Well, when you put it like that..."
Shinji: "And here I thought me and Asuka had it bad."
Asuka: "So this entire mess is the result of two Sufficiently Advanced Aliens having a galacticly terminal case of Cannot Spit It Out."
Rei: "Well, when you put it like that..."
Shinji: "And here I thought me and Asuka had it bad."
Ranma-sensei
Sorcerer
- Location
- Citrix Receiver
- Pronouns
- Weatherdependent
Just also did it in 7 minutes; there's no core like hardcore - we eat word count for breakfast.
Two things I found while reading:
Two things I found while reading:
'files'
'if'
The Englanderish
Schrödinger's Kuudere Kitty Caliph(a)
- Location
- Califat de Chats
Bitch, you have no idea the amount of lying to herself the girl you are talking to has been doing the past few... I've lost track of time, somewhat. Weeks? I wanna say weeks.
These two lines are an effective summation of the A&T fandom.
Er... Do you mean files?
If?
Personally, I think 'bitch' works better.
Why do I now suspect that Akagi gonna die?
Someone in this room is going to die before the end of the story.
And up next tonight, Wholesome Family Time With The Himmlers!
- Location
- Australia, mate
Five and a half, but I have read a LOT in my life, so I'm always pretty damn quick.
Also goddamnit Misato, don't fucking jinx us!!
Teen Spirit
Lost in Ever After
- Pronouns
- He/Him
Misato also enjoys stepping underneath ladders and throwing rocks at mirrors.
- Location
- Canada
You know, given that series NGE and Rebuild basically resulted in the same thing, they don't have too much ground to stand on.
- Location
- Canada
Kaworu being the last angel and Rei being a human-angel hybred might go over...poorly... with Misato "Deicide" Katsuragi.
Timerider
That guy who really should get out more.
- Location
- The End of the World.
They are scared of how their loved one will react to their reveals. Here, Rei was able to confide in Kowaru because of him similar nature and struggles. And even then it wasn't easy. Although Rei is mentally aware that her friends will still love her once the secrets are out, emotionally, she is terrified that that they will respond poorly. See her ordeal with Areal for details.
This is a common issue with many introverts. For example, I used to have a roommate who I got along well with for the most part. But I was so nervous about approaching him I found it difficult to even enter the kitchen to eat if he was in to house. I had no real reason to be scared, but I was nonetheless.
Fear of rejection is a completely irrational thing, but it is an immensely hard obstacle to overcome.
GoukaRyuu
Shadow Cabal Made Man
- Location
- New Jersey
How ironic! Given the timeline I do think Armisael shows up on Christmas Day, I.E. legitimately tomorrow. Kaworu showed up on December 30 and made his run on New Year's Eve and then the Final Angel attacked on New Year's Day.
StorymasterQ
Chief of Weaponized Tropes First Division
- Location
- Denpasar, Bali
Why is it, that when I read about Kaworu and his mix tape and "I can do that!", my mind went to Star Trek 2009 with Chekov running through the halls with his "I can do zat"?
JennyDracos
Eccentric Hugging Lady
- Location
- Chicago
Oh my gosh, all the feels!
Because telling Shinji, Asuka, and Misato that Rei is half-Angel and Kaworu is only in the FORM of a human will be impossible to hide. It WILL change their reactions, and there are enough people watching Kaworu (and Rei) who may remark on their changed behavior to Gendo, who will start to realize that his plans are at risk. That means bad things.
Besides, it's a terrible secret that means causing the people they love to question everything, and possibly that the people they love will start to hate them. If nothing else, not telling is an ingrained habit they've carried for years. Rei was building up the nerve to tell Asuka and Shinji when Kaworu showed up and said "if you say that, SEELE will kill them" and took all her momentum away.
Plus the 16th Angel is going to be hard enough without the added knowledge and possibly with trust issues thrown in. Besides, it's coming, no matter what anyone else does. Everyone who knows there's an apocalyptic endgame (so, everyone) knows that it comes after the 16th.
And everyone who knows about Kaworu knows that the 16th is the last milestone before he HAS to tell. He's the last Angel, one way or another he WILL be telling them that, either at Misato's dinner table or having succumbed to the Call and on his way to Terminal Dogma.
Could be worse. I have the "Mix Tape" song from Avenue Q running through my head every time I see those words. Fortunately, at this point Kaworu and Rei both know that he likes her likes her like she likes him.