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Fantasy Addict
- Pronouns
- She/Her
The entire post is very profound and meaningful, and I cannot say how much this resonates with me. Having come off two months of in patient therapy at a psychiatric ward, I can confidently say that getting better is really hard. Incredibly fucking hard. There were days when I just didn't want to do anything at all. What pushed me to get better was outside factors forcing me to acknowledge the fact that I was on a downward spiral, and that to escape from it I did practically everything I could to place tape over the edges and hope the feelings don't come back.It is not easy to live with a landmine in your own brain, to know that there is an area of thought that any step in can spiral you into a hopeless, useless state when you are needed. The way to deal with that is... well, it's to get therapy, but in the grim darkness of any time period before like thirty years ago, the way to deal with that is to rope off areas inside your head that you absolutely do not go into at any time for any reason, and do your best to live outside of that boundary. When Thorgrim inherited the throne and the crown almost two centuries ago he forced himself into that miserable mindspace to confront the extinction of his race and the inevitable failure of every hope and dream he'd ever had, not just once, but however many times it took to break the stubbornness of the Dwarviest Dwarf that the entire Dwarven race could find.
But they always do. At the end you're just delaying the inevitable confrontation with whatever was tearing at you one way or another. There were moments in which I hated being at a ward and being told how I could do better or be better, but that was just a part of me that detested that I could ever become a better person. I learned to not give that voice any attention, but I had the love and support and care and understanding of so many people to push me through. Much of which came from this very thread, even if people don't know the specifics.
My point is. It's very hard to get into a better headspace. Especially when you've been wallowing in it in isolation for years. People who suffer often don't want to inflict it on others, and I've found that isolation is a level of peace that gives you comfort. But it also forces you to confront all that you've done and couldn've done and should've done etc. etc.
Thorgrim doesn't have the comfort and luxury to seek a therapist or go online to shitpost on an online forum to escape his misery. He's stuck with it, and he needs to keep moving on to help his people. He can't afford to break down, and I find my heart does ache for him for that.
PS: I'm fine now, so no one should be worried about me. It's incredibly funny to me that the thing that stuck out to me most from all that therapy is internalising the idea that when I wake up and don't feel like doing anything, I want to go to the bathroom. If I can go to the bathroom to take care of my physical needs, then I can get dressed and go eat. If I can go eat I can go brush my teeth. If I can brush my teeth and I'm already clothed then I can work out. And so on and so on. It was really helpful. Always give yourself little goals. It helps out.