Thanks to
@AKuz and
@ClawClawBite for their work on various Federation dueling customs,
@random_npc for research assistance, and a sidelong look at the Lecarre infiltrator wearing the face of
@Simon_Jester, who anticipated the cut and thrust of this omake.
Undiplomatic Relations,
or: what the Diplomatic Service is so busy with all the time
The Federation was a bit like a jigsaw puzzle put together out of seven different boxes, Ambassador Marigold Ch'Trass thought. Certainly it made for a stunning vista, but more often than not the pieces didn't quite fit together properly. Sometimes you just had to apply a little pressure to finesse a tab in, and sometimes you had to get out the cutting implements. On a growing number of occasions, that last part of the metaphor was becoming uncomfortably literal.
The ambassador considered the two stun-sabres in his hands. They'd been delivered in a locked case by the seconds of the involved, and were in every way identical. Composed of a 15 centimeter grip and a 90 centimeter "blade" designed to deliver a nadion shock from an emitter hidden in the hilt, the weapons wouldn't be lethal to anyone other than an Andorian -- a fact that made Marigold's antennae twitch as he tested the ignition of each with a slight flourish. "The blades seem to be in order," he said, and lifted his head to regard the combatants. On the left, Caelan Amitrin, the Amarki cook attached to his own delegation, whose culinary competence had been called into question once too often. On the right, Grak, a member of the Tellarite trade delegation from Babel, and apparently something of a connoisseur. "I don't suppose I can convince either of you that this whole production is unnecessary?" he asked, resigned. Two negative shakes of the head were his only response. Marigold noted with some further concern that Caelan was shaking slightly with nerves, anger, eagerness, or some unpredictable mix of all three. Grak was harder to read, but Marigold thought he saw the light of anticipation in her eyes as well. "Very well then. You may take your positions. On the third clap, you may strike."
It was a clear-cut case of cultural incompatibility, Marigold mused as they strode to opposite ends of the marked stage, the sort of easy to understand example that made it into introductory xenopsych textbooks. Being easy to understand, of course, didn't make it easy to solve. The average Tellarite's opening complaints, intended as a good-natured probe into just what was and wasn't valued by strangers, ran smack-dab into Amarkian sensibilities regarding a host's responsibilities under the rules of hospitality. An offended Amarki host would then bite back on their anger and become more and more reticent, offering as much apology as was demanded by custom and then engaging in traditionally circumlocutious behaviors to let a rude guest know they were unwelcome. The stymied Tellarite, denied the argument they were hoping for, would either double-down to provoke a reaction or give it up as a lost cause and lose respect for the other party. An unsatisfactory conclusion, even if the Tellarite never accidentally impugned the Amarki's honor, which was well within possibility.
Having things the other way around wasn't any better. The only way to offend a Tellarite faster than to say there was "nothing to complain about" was to
compliment their abilities as a host. Add in the fact that Tellarites used
ad hominem attacks to signal respect for their opponent's opinion and de-escalate debates, directly opposed to Amarki tradition of assault on the person being equal to assault on the idea (even after the Reformations of Salnas the Wise)...
Whatever mad genius had come up with the idea of reconciling the Amarki Code Duello with the significantly less lethal Tellarite tradition of Having a Punch Out, and Marigold had a strong suspicion that they were a human, had no idea what they'd wrought. This was the fifth "duel" Marigold had presided over in the last month, and they'd attracted a crowd of more than a hundred -- including a local news broadcasting team. If this circus grew any larger they'd have to declare it a league sport instead of a method to resolve grievances!
Caelan and Grak were both toeing the line now, gazes fixed on each other and stun-sabres held ready. There was no further putting it off. Marigold clapped once, twice, thrice-- and the duel began.
Grak was off like a shot, rushing the lanky Amarki who seemed to have trouble dealing with such a forward assault and managed only a few desperate blocks. "I thought you said you were good at this, knives-for-ears!," Grak called out. "So much for all your noble heritage- you fight like a farmer!" Her blade lit up with the nadion shock timed with the delivery of her insult-- the zinger, as it were. She drew forward in a great thrust, piercing towards Caelan's chest.
Caelan's own stun-sabre swept up from below, his weak guard firming into a strong parry and indicating his earlier poor showing had been an extended feint. Grak's thrust crackled over his shoulder, and he angled for an awkward counter-stroke at the much-too-close Tellarite. "How appropriate, you fight like a pig!" Grak was left completely exposed and out of position, and was forced to retreat gracelessly. The knockout charge had transferred to Caelan's sword now, mirroring the shift in conversational momentum. They clashed blades in a flurry, Caelan's height and reach driving Grak back. "If that's your idea of a defense, I'll shish-kebab you!"
A slightly overzealous thrust allowed Grak to knock Caelan's blade away by main force, and he was left as exposed as she had been earlier. "If that's your idea of a shish-kebab, it's no wonder you can't cook worth a damn!" Caelan was on the back foot now, and she pursued. "I've seen Horta with better bladework." Orange sparks leapt from her stun-sabre as she battered through his defenses and forced a blade-lock. "Admit it, you couldn't fight your way out of a paper sack!"
"Better than having to wear one!" Caelan shot back as he disengaged. "The Bending Bough School of swordsmanship has been honored for generations!"
Chasing after, Grak refused to let him gain distance. "You should really have bothered attending a few lessons, then!" They clashed again, and Caelan continued retreating. "Can you do anything but run?"
"I'm sorry, I forgot to take your stubby little legs into account. If you're growing tired, then by all means, yield!" Running out of stage, Caelan shifted back onto the offensive with a more powerful set of blows. Grak weathered them and came right back swinging.
"It'd take a better man than you to wear me out, boyo!" she returned, and locked blades with him again. "Your arms are as weak as your spices!" the Tellarite taunted, leaning in.
Caelan bent under the pressure, but there was a smirk on his face. "And your breath is more powerful still!" Compressed like a spring, Caelan uncoiled and nearly threw Grak across the stage with the force. She took several staggering steps backward, and the Amarki didn't hesitate to take advantage. He launched a barrage of attacks, forcing her further and further off balance. "Your palette is as rusty as your swordsmanship! You wouldn't know a croissant from a crouton if they ambushed you in a dusty alley! That silver spoon of yours is shoved so far up your nose it's stirring your brain! In short,
madame," he growled, winding up for his finisher, "If you can't take the heat, STAY OUT OF MY KITCHEN!"
The shocked look on her face as his final lunge connected and the orange phase-pulse knocked her out would likely make for treasured memories, Marigold thought, but he was entirely done with this farce. "HALT!" he yelled, and Caelan instantly stilled, still outstretched. Grak began to topple over, and to his credit Caelan dropped his sword to grab her and lower her to the floor. "Is honor satisfied?" Marigold called out, and the young Amarki looked up, eyes shining with victory.
"It is, Ambassador."
"Then I declare this matter settled, with Caelan Amitrin the victor over Grak in honorable combat." Marigold announced. The crowd broke into raucous cheers and applause. The reporters closed in for an interview with the winner, and after a quick scan with a tricorder the medics on hand began the process for reviving the loser. Marigold slumped, emotionally exhausted, and slipped away to where his chief of staff was waiting for him. The human winked at him before sliding a flask out of his pocket and tossing it to the Andorian.
"Let him have his victory lap, eh? Cutter's earned it," he said. Tracey Carver was't the sort of man that looked like the second in command of a diplomatic delegation. He was the sort of man who looked like he should be selling you used blades for your ice cutter out of lot that only opened onto the darkest alley on the wrong side of town. He was the most trustworthy untrustworthy-looking man Marigold had ever met, and the list of untrustworthy-looking men Marigold had met was fairly long even for a diplomat. "Hey now," Tracey said as Marigold took a long, long draught from the flask, "Careful. That's the good stuff in there."
The burn of the synthehol couldn't quite wipe the sour taste from his mouth. "Honor doesn't make violence any more palatable," Marigold observed, swishing the flask back and forth.
"Just sticks in your craw the wrong way, eh? Nothin' to be done, though. Them's that enjoy that sort of thing gonna get their kicks one way or another, and leastwise no berk's stuck and bleeding. Wonders of modern technology." Tracey countered in a light tone. A dark look flashed over Marigold's face, and he took another gulp from the flask. Tracey grimaced too as he realised his misstep. "Aw, shit, your Pa. Stepped in it there."
"I'll give it this," Marigold ground out, "Insult swordfighting's a damn sight more civilized than the
Ushaan. But by the Star of Andor, if they drag me out to arbitrate another of these before we wrap up this trade deal I'll challenge them both!"
"What happened ta violence not bein' the answer?"
"But it would be so
satisfying." Marigold's antennae twitched. Grak was rising to her feet now, supported by her second. He tossed the flask back to Tracey. "We should make ourselves scarce until the function this evening. With this behind us, maybe we can finally wrap up the trade deal."
"You the boss, boss-man," Tracey replied, then took a swig. "To the Developmentalists."
"Hear, hear."