:D

Basically, it's a giant riff off the 'fact' that there appear to be no bathrooms on the Enterprise-D.

Blame the cinematographers. The bathrooms are generally not located on the walls with good views, which the cameras try to cover. There is a head in the captain's ready room that is right behind where the cameraman there likes to set up. If there were no bathrooms, where would they take all the sonic showers?
 
It's not just that we don't see them on camera. It's that someone actually published a layout of the Enterprise-D in some tech bible or the like, and forgot to put any bathrooms in anywhere on the ship...
 
It's not just that we don't see them on camera. It's that someone actually published a layout of the Enterprise-D in some tech bible or the like, and forgot to put any bathrooms in anywhere on the ship...
To increase space efficiency, all bathrooms were placed in subspace pockets throughout the ship. :V
 
Last edited:
To increase space efficiency, all bathrooms were placed in subspace pockets throughout the ship. :V
If the bathrooms are in a subspace pocket, and the pocket isn't connected to the ships systems (so it doesn't need to be in tech manuals) then we're just leaving all the waste behind us in subspace as we travel. We're flying through space flinging poop everywhere we go.

Curse you monkey heritage!
 
Remember; we are shown on Star Trek that people put their waste back into the replicator to be recycled. Do you really think they'd let all that waste mass go to waste?
 
You don't need those. Each time you use the transporter, you just carefully remove the waste from the transporter buffer.
 
It's not just that we don't see them on camera. It's that someone actually published a layout of the Enterprise-D in some tech bible or the like, and forgot to put any bathrooms in anywhere on the ship...

The restrooms could just be in the individual crew quarter rooms. Unless schematics for those are also available and don't show such necessities...
 
The restrooms could just be in the individual crew quarter rooms. Unless schematics for those are also available and don't show such necessities...

iirc one of the bridge doors in TNG had the "Head" label.
So they do have toilets, we just never see then (maybe they power the technobabble bullshit generator?)
 
Okay, okay, strictly they COULD have bathrooms, and it's reasonable to suppose they DO have bathrooms.

But I do hope everyone gets the humor of it? :)
 
If you have fine enough control, and trust the systems enough, you could use the transporters to empty the bladder/large intestine and dump the patterns straight into the Replicator feed-stock.
 
Yeah, this is one of those times I think Scotty' s "IT'D TAKE THIRTEEN MEN NINE HOURS TO FIND THE RIGHT SCREWDRIVER TO START, CAPTAIN!" is totally legit.
 
Omake - Interview with UESPA Captain - Briefvoice
Interview with UESPA Captain

"This is Cecil Bornellas speaking on behalf of the Federation Broadcasting Service. For this segment of our popular series 'Federation Life', I'll be interviewing Captain Olesya Sokolov of the United Earth Space Probe Agency or 'Ooo-esp-a' as they commonly call it. Captain Sokolov would be worthy of attention for the dramatic ups and downs of her decades-long career in space alone, but what particularly draws our attention is that she has been chosen as commanding officer of the UES Liberty. The Liberty will be the first United Earth Excelsior-class vessel, due to to complete construction in less than six months."

The multimedia display tab offers a picture of a squat woman in her mid-fifties dressed a blue and brown UESPA jumpsuit. The name "Sokolov" is visible on a patch on her front.

There is a chime indicating to the listener that Cecil is now on site. There is a faint howling of wind in the background.


"This is Cecil at the Gagarin UESPA training facility, located on the coast of a Terran body of water known as the Black Sea. We're actually in the middle of quite a storm; I've set the audio filters to leave just enough of the wind in so that you in the audience can get a taste of it, but trust me- if it weren't for my headset I wouldn't be able to hear anything. I'm standing on top of an overlook platform with Captain Sokolov, and we're looking down at some of her future crew engaged in a training exercise. Captain, can you introduce yourself?"

A woman's voice answers, husky and with a Russian accent. "Da, Cecil. I am Olesya Sokolov. I've worked at UESPA for 25 years, both groundside and space, commanding three different ships during that time. I have been selected to Captain the new Excelsior-class ship the Liberty when it launches next year, and for now my job is helping train its crew. Commander Miguel Benten will be my first officer, and Ruri Kaleka will be my Mission Control."

"Mission Control? I'm not familiar with that position," says Cecil.

There's what might be a sigh, or perhaps it's just the wind. "No surprise; everyone is familiar with Starfleet command structure, and they have no equivalent position. A Mission Control officer is a ground position assigned to a specific UESPA ship. They help go over mission orders, log supply requests, interface with higher command- It's difficult to put in few words, but they are meant to be the ship captain's partner on the ground. Kaleka will be the first to read my reports and last to sign off on missions sent to the Liberty. Mission Control is also usually the captain-in-waiting for ships, the natural choice to take command when the current captain moves on."

"That is fascinating. I suppose Starfleet ships range too widely to have a similar position?"

"I could not say, Cecil. Different organizations, different ways of doing things."

"Ah, but you used to be Starfleet yourself, didn't you? You were in Starfleet about seven years, I believe, ending with service on the Yorktown during the whale probe incident."

"Da, the Yorktown. After it was disabled those of us non-essential to operation had to take hiber-sedatives so that the life support system would last. I remember the fear of going to sleep, not knowing when we would awake. And they did wake me early, you know. Needed me to- but I ramble like an old woman. The whale probe, it nearly killed the Earth. A terrible thing."

Cecil presses. "Is that why you left Starfleet? You wanted to protect the Earth more directly?"

A multimedia display tab offers a picture of hundreds of people attempting some sort of assembly on a stormswept shore.

"True, the sea is not space, but a seaside storm is unpredictable and treacherous. Attempting work in a storm is good substitute for what it's like in a crisis. Noise in your ear, not sure where the next gust is coming from, compensating for abnormal conditions. Is good training."

"I'm sorry, I didn't-"

"I had an answer prepared for when you asked about training, so I thought I might as well give it when you asked me a question I had no answer for," says Sokolov.

"I didn't mean to put you on the spot."

"You would be poor journalist if you're not willing to ask subjects difficult questions. Come, let us go inside and talk about UESPA."

The howling of the wind cuts out.

"What do you know about UESPA, Cecil?"

"I know the facts. Ships, personnel, ranks, headquarters, history. That's database knowledge. I'm afraid I haven't talked to many people in the home fleet, Captain Sokolov."

"Call me Olesya. You are not under my command, after all. 'Home Fleet' is a term I hear often. Sometimes we are called 'Member Fleet' as well. Our ships and people work for Earth and its colonies, not for the Federation. But sometimes people ask me, why are we needed? Why is just Starfleet not enough?"

"It is a question, Olesya. Some people say the member fleets are a hedge against the Federation falling apart or maybe more plausibly, against a coup by Starfleet."

Sokolov makes a derisive noise.

Cecil continues. "Some citizens I've talked to think UESPA is more militarized than Starfleet, though I don't think that's true when you actually look at it. I thought you might have a unique perspective, having started in Starfleet and moved to UESPA. That's another common myth, by the way, that UESPA is made up of people who retired out of Starfleet."

"Who could not succeed in Starfleet," says Sokolov.

"That's the blunt way of putting it. But it's not actually true; the vast majority of people in your organization never so much as applied to Starfleet Academy, yourself being a notable exception."

"Da. We do get a lot of second careers. Many cargo ships crew members who want to try their luck on faster ships. Then there are those with skills developed ground side that can transfer to space. The youngsters, though, they come too. Many of them want a career in service to their people and feel that Starfleet is in service to Starfleet."

There's a bit of background music to emphasize the importance of this point in the interview.

"That's a very provocative statement, Olesya. Can you explain what you mean?"

"UESPA exists for the needs of Earth and its colonies."

"You mean for humans?"

"I mean for another level of government under the Federation, which makes its own laws that apply only for United Earth, has institutions for the benefit of United Earth. Of human origin, da, though we have our immigrants. Take a look here at some of our mission requests."

The multimedia display tab offers a list of mission descriptions, with ability to select for more detail.

Sokolov continues. "We run patrols as a self-defense force, but so much more. We also do garbage collection, courier service, extended orbital support, marine deployment, and we take specific mission requests from social, academic, and special interest groups within United Earth."

"That doesn't sound so different from Starfleet."

"Starfleet missions come through the Federation. You want something from them, you have to go all the way up to Federation level, and then they have big latitude in prioritizing anything that's not from a Federation-level service. Of course sometimes they'll haul a theater group between colonies or something like that, if they happen to be going the right way and the admiral in charge feels like approving. More often they set their own priorities for exploring and patrols."

"UESPA is different?"

"The Director of UESPA, she answers to more people than you can imagine. A nightmare job; you wouldn't get me in that seat for the fish in the sea, but you better believe she tries to keep them all happy. Who does the Admiral of Starfleet have to keep happy, eh? No one but the Federation Council."

"Still seems like a jump to say Starfleet is in service to Starfleet."

There's a pause.

"This is my own private feeling, da? Not speaking for UESPA. I want to make that clear. But what auntie Olesya thinks is that Starfleet is like another member world of the Federation all on its own. It has its own mining colonies, its own shipyards, its own culture, and so many in Starfleet are children of those who were in Starfleet."

"Hardly a majority."

"But enough, eh? The United Federation of Planets is a great thing, but so much is still run by member worlds, under guidelines and goals of the Federation. When you look at it, very similar to how Starfleet runs its own affairs, answering to the Federation."

"United Earth's worlds, collectively, have seven seats on the Federation Council."

"And do you think Starfleet's Fleet Admiral has less influence than a Councillor? Ah, but we could go round and round and we miss my point. I'm not saying that this is a bad thing, Cecil. Starfleet works well, and its ability to pursue all the grand ideals of the Federation independently allow the Federation to function, alongside maybe the diplomatic service and your own FBS."

Cecil clicks his tongue. "So to wrap back around to your original point, you're saying that people join UESPA because they feel like they're serving their fellow citizens more directly?"

"I cannot speak for anyone else, but that has been my observation. It is part of why I left Starfleet; I wanted to work for Earth's recovery after the whale probe, and for a time UESPA ships were devoted to nothing else."

"I imagine being limited to Sol Sector makes that focus easier."

Sokolov makes a dismissive noise. "Limited? Technically true, but it's not the Prime Directive, Cecil. When there's a reason to leave Sol Sector, we negotiate permissions and we go. Right now we have ships in Ferasa Sector, because United Earth believes in fighting the Syndicate. I'm sure we'll continue to support Vega, even if the Federation calls it technically part of this new 'Sydraxian Border Zone'."

"What role do you think the Liberty will have in UESPA's work?"

"More than anything else, speed of response. Space is big, even with warp travel, but an Excelsior class ship can get where it's needed fast and has the capabilities to do something when it gets there. There are always more mission demands on UESPA ships than capabilities to respond, but the Liberty will help cut that down. We're even trying something new with a deployable force of marines."

"Oh?"

"Yes, trained to operate more independently than standard ship's security. We'll have capability to transport them down and warp out again immediately to go somewhere else. The size of an Excelsior makes it possible to carry enough marines for a real impact, still leaving enough crew to operate the ship. We'll use marines for disaster response, civil disturbances, and the like. In the past, similar forces have had to move by slower transport vessels."

"Well I look forward to seeing how that plays out. Do you have any final comments? Perhaps some words for listeners who might be thinking of applying to UESPA, or their own home fleets in other parts of the Federation?"

Sokolov's response is immediate. "There are many ways to go to the stars; don't let anyone tell you what is the right one for you. Whether with Starfleet or with us, you will be welcome."

There is a chime to indicate scene change.

"And on that inspiring note we'll end this segment. If you're interested in some supplementary material, Olesya and I discussed her career in more detail in some audio that didn't make it into this broadcast. Just hit the 'More' button and you'll have some options to listen.

"Also some of my producers have been discussing making this a series, interviewing representatives from all the different Member Fleets to get their perspectives. If you'd like to see more segments like that in Federation Life, contact us and let us know. Until then, this is Cecil Bornellas for the FBS."
 
Most likely.

The idea that MACOs never really made the institutional jump into Starfleet security, and that Starfleet's ideas of how ground security should operate are more heavily influenced by the Vulcans/Andorians/Tellarites, helps to explain a few things.
 
Most likely.

The idea that MACOs never really made the institutional jump into Starfleet security, and that Starfleet's ideas of how ground security should operate are more heavily influenced by the Vulcans/Andorians/Tellarites, helps to explain a few things.
Would the concept of MACOs help Starfleet's mission, or hinder it?
 
Back
Top