May The Invisible Hand Be With You - (Star Wars CK2-Style Quest)
- Thread starter Dr. Snark
- Start date
- Sci-Fi
-
- Tags
- star wars canon what canon tsundere dice ck2 quest actions have consequences all the credits all work and no play makes ciaran a dull girl best sister capitalism ho! despairing qm teetotaller society member gotta catch 'em all insanity looting off the rails sage dice approaching spicy sheev tsundere asajj
... I'm assuming that's a
EDIT: Typoception! Well, that or autocorrupt.
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- Location
- Australia
I think he was just looking to get some assassins, not proper Darths.
Stealthy
Reverently Irreverent
- Location
- Roaming
...it is a typo (thanks autocorrect and alcohol), but amusingly you also made a typo when trying to say typo.
Yay typos.
Yeah. So, turns out the EU has a planet in the Outer Rim known for a particular incident. An off-world trader from Sullust, bringing in a shipment of a popular breakfast snack, discovered that exposing the biscuits to the planet's atmosphere caused them to mutate into an giant omnivorous amoeba-monsters that seek to consume all living things.
Naturally, this ravenous biscuit-monster could only be defeated by... squirting it with blue bantha sauce, a popular condiment.
Yeah, this is definitely a 'burn it with fire' Wookiepedia entry. This is one that won't be showing up on my next galaxy survey.
Panory
The Omake Dragon
- Location
- New York
- Pronouns
- He/Him
If you put it in the survey, I promise to send Obi-wan there.
Yeah. So, turns out the EU has a planet in the Outer Rim known for a particular incident. An off-world trader from Sullust, bringing in a shipment of a popular breakfast snack, discovered that exposing the biscuits to the planet's atmosphere caused them to mutate into an giant omnivorous amoeba-monsters that seek to consume all living things.
Naturally, this ravenous biscuit-monster could only be defeated by... squirting it with blue bantha sauce, a popular condiment.
Yeah, this is definitely a 'burn it with fire' Wookiepedia entry. This is one that won't be showing up on my next galaxy survey.
...Damn you, now I'm really tempted.
- Location
- Tulsa Oklahoma
Please don't. I find it likely that if such a thing exists, I think the saying "leave your sanity at the edge" will turn into "what use is there for sanity when the galaxy's gone mad".
Fair enough.
Hey, @Panory, can we not and say we did? I won't be including it in the survey, but you can still write the omake! Here's the info that would have been included:
Dr. Snark
Exactly As Planned...Probably
- Location
- Right where I want to be
- Pronouns
- He/His/Him
For the record, if such an unbelievably stupid thing we're to be brought up further I would go with the LSD explanation.
Also, not dead, but internet issues have prevented me from doing anything aside from phone posting.
Also, not dead, but internet issues have prevented me from doing anything aside from phone posting.
Link please
Yeah. So, turns out the EU has a planet in the Outer Rim known for a particular incident. An off-world trader from Sullust, bringing in a shipment of a popular breakfast snack, discovered that exposing the biscuits to the planet's atmosphere caused them to mutate into an giant omnivorous amoeba-monsters that seek to consume all living things.
Naturally, this ravenous biscuit-monster could only be defeated by... squirting it with blue bantha sauce, a popular condiment.
Yeah, this is definitely a 'burn it with fire' Wookiepedia entry. This is one that won't be showing up on my next galaxy survey.
Valkur
The True Valkyria, Valkur!
- Location
- Fólkvangr
What happened TM? Did you read alice in the wonderland or a warhammer 40k novel of somethin-
Yeah. So, turns out the EU has a planet in the Outer Rim known for a particular incident. An off-world trader from Sullust, bringing in a shipment of a popular breakfast snack, discovered that exposing the biscuits to the planet's atmosphere caused them to mutate into an giant omnivorous amoeba-monsters that seek to consume all living things.
Naturally, this ravenous biscuit-monster could only be defeated by... squirting it with blue bantha sauce, a popular condiment.
Yeah, this is definitely a 'burn it with fire' Wookiepedia entry. This is one that won't be showing up on my next galaxy survey.
POOOOOR QUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Works for me. That would explain a lot of the Star Wars EU, actually.
Here you go:
- Location
- The Air Capital
Dark Force Rising
Coruscant, Senate Offices
Sheev Palpatine sighed as he sat at his desk trudging through yet another pile of various correspondences that vied for his personal attention. One day, hopefully soon, he would be beyond the petty drudgery of maintaining the illusion of his office and on that day he would take pleasure in electrocuting any bureaucrats who wasted his time with such inanity. He was Darth Sidious, Dark Lord of the Sith! And yet, even his willpower was being drained by the omnipresent red tape as surely as the most vicious Dun Möch barb.
He needed a vacation. The war was currently in a holding pattern due to that meddlesome whelp Lady Ciaran and his other schemes were progressing fine by themselves, so why not? Let Mas Amedda deal with the infernal paperwork for a week while Dooku attempted to sort out his repeated failures. Yes, Sheev thought to himself, a vacation was a good idea. At that moment his stomach made the Dark Lord of the Sith aware of the fact he had not gotten breakfast, so it was time to take a break.
No Sith Lord was a stranger to vices, but many an eyebrow would be raised at Sheevs' fondness the junk food that was the Bantha Breakfast Biscuit from creatively titled Biscuit Baron franchise was ever brought to light. Pressing a button on his desk, Palpatine opened the comm to his aide, Sly Moore. "Sly, put in my usual order." He directed the Umbaran and cut the line without waiting to hear her response. Satisfied, he went back to work signing off on the pile on his desk.
He had made an appreciable dent in the paperwork by the time the door chimed and a protocol droid came in bearing a tray with a bag containing three Bantha Breakfast Biscuits. The droid sat the tray down next to Palpatine, who waived it away with a dismissive gesture. Before he realized it he was already opening the second one, when the different than normal color of the bag caught his eye. A New promotion perhaps? Intrigued, Sheev looked at it as he continued eating.
Huh. So there was a random prize giveaway and the winner would receive a paid vacation visit Gastrula to attend the opening of the newest franchise location in addition to getting a lifetime supply of Bantha Breakfast Biscuits. Well, that would be an easy way to get a vacation, Palpatine mused. Really, who would look for the Supreme Chancellor on a no-name outer rim planet? Chuckling to himself at the incredulity of that thought he idly pulled off the holoseal piece on one of the boxes.
The amusement died on his lips as the piece came free with a rip, followed by a tinny "You're a Winner!" exclamation voiced in galactic standard. An hour later Mas Amedda found Palpatine still staring at it, lost in reverie, before he snapped out of it and cheerfully informed his Vice Chair that he was going on vacation. Immediately. No questions allowed.
Two weeks later when he was safely back in his office, he knew he should have been more wary. It was so innocuous of a thing with no shift in the Force to warn him of what was to come. If he had his way, Darth Sidious would take the secret of what happened on that accursed planet to his grave. But that was not to be, as the Force has a will of its own. Being saved by that infernal Jedi Obi-Wan Kenobi from what best could be described as a mutant sentient breakfast biscuit was an entirely new low point in his existence as a Sith Lord.
He did not have any evidence, aside from assorted mutterings from Kenobi, but Sheev felt the only culprit behind this was Lady Ciaran. Only she could be this completely infuriating. Somehow she had arranged for him to be attacked and eaten by his favorite junk food, which he couldn't even stand to look at anymore. That was only compounded by the fact he was now the owner of a lifetime supply of force-damned things and that made him want to stab the next person through the door in the face with his lightsaber, damn the consequences. He would get to the bottom of this and whoever was to blame would wish for a swift and merciful death.
AN: My inner muse couldn't help herself after that choice bit of lore was pointed out.
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Roses Are Red, Try Not To Push Her (Canon)
Panory
The Omake Dragon
- Location
- New York
- Pronouns
- He/Him
Roses are Red, Try Not to Push Her
"Query: Have you heard the tale of Darth Revan the Butcher?" said HK-47. Ahsoka flinched at the sudden question and spun around to face the assassin droid. While he hadn't been trying to be particularly sneaky, HK-47 was glad to see his stealth routines weren't too out of date.
"I… can't say I have." replied Ahsoka cautiously, appraising the droid that had seemed to come out of nowhere.
"It's not a story the Jedi would tell you." said Thrawn, not bothering to look up from their chess game. "From what I understand, they'd likely be against filling their youngling's heads with Sith legends." With that the Chiss Admiral glanced up at HK-47. "With a name like Darth Revan the Butcher, I feel safe assuming that he was a Sith? Though I'll readily admit to being unacquainted with him as well."
"Correction: Darth Revan was a powerful Jedi, who died heroically attempting to eliminate the Sith Empire. He was also my former Master." boasted the droid.
Ahsoka raised an eyebrow in suspicion. "I have a hard time buying the idea that 'Darth Revan the Butcher' wasn't a Sith. Doesn't seem very… Jedi-y."
"Derision: You are free to be incorrect, meatbag. My Master was a powerful Jedi, whose glorious last stand deserves to be remembered for all eternity." said HK-47 proudly, before sheepishly continuing. "Addendum: My Master may also have been a Sith Lord at one point in his life."
"So why are you telling me this?" asked Ahsoka. "If you seem so knowledgeable on this Darth Revan guy, why bother asking me about him?"
"Answer: When I discovered that Lady Ciaran and PR-1 had not heard of my Master's glorious final stand against the Empire, I rationalized it as the Jedi keeping it secret due to his past flirtations with the Dark Side." explained HK-47. "Lamentation: I see now that the Jedi are simply idiots."
"Hey!" exclaimed Ahsoka, rising slightly out of her chair, hand twitching towards her lightsaber ever so slightly.
HK-47 noticed. "Challenge: Bring it, meatbag."
"HK-47, if you kill her, Lady Ciaran would be quite displeased." said Thrawn, the voice of reason as always. "And Ahsoka, the Abyss Watcher's went to great lengths to recover HK-47. I ask that you not try to damage him further. The engineers have their hands full enough trying to refurbish him as it is."
"Try to damage him?" repeated Ahsoka incredulously. "I have a lightsaber. And I've had a fair bit of practice cutting up clankers."
"HK-47 is a cut above your average B1 battle droid." warned Thrawn. "I thought you would have learned not to judge things by their appearance. I've lost count the number of times you've rushed headlong into a trap because you didn't take the time to look closely enough." Ahsoka had the dignity to look ashamed.
"Statement: I have had adequate practice eliminating Force sensitive meatbags. More experience than you've had dismantling useless droids." bragged HK-47.
"I doubt a rusty bucket of bolts like you has ever bested a Jedi." said Ahsoka, confident in the combat prowess of the Order.
"Correction: I eliminate whoever my Master designates as a target, as per my assassination protocols. Boast: My successful hunts include Jedi, Sith, bounty hunters, and one small child who knew too much." said HK-47.
Thrawn noticed Ahsoka's questioning and accusatory look from across the board. "Well don't look at me, he's had many Masters before us, including a man named Darth Revan the Butcher. Who knows who they've had him kill in his four thousand years. I'll remind you that Lady Ciaran has actually taken steps to ensure the survival of the Jedi Order."
"Ahsoka turned back around to look at HK-47. "I don't think I've ever seen a droid that old. How are you still functioning?"
"Very advanced engineering and the hard work of our maintenance crews." interrupted Thrawn before HK-47 could speak up again.
"Lie: I do not mean to boast, but… Boast: Indeed, Darth Revan was adept at mechu-deru, and I am the pinnacle of his achievements in the field." said HK-47. "Addendum: Though the Exterminator droids were a close second, based on my own design as they were."
"Exterminator droids? Guess those are from when this guy was a Sith." guessed Ahsoka. Thrawn looked similarly intrigued.
"Correction: No, the Exterminator Droids were the last attempt by my Master to eliminate the Sith from the galaxy entirely. An army, based on my own impeccable design and produced by the Foundry." explained HK-47.
"What's the Foundry? Some droid factory or something?" asked Ahsoka. "Why does where the droids were made make any difference?"
"Exasperation: Your ignorance astounds me, meatbag. Answer: The Foundry was a factory built into an asteroid, capable of producing infinite quantities of high grade droids at an impressive rate. Such forces would be able to reshape the galaxy to their Master's will. The Foundry was also the location of my Master's last stand against the Sith Empire."
"Really?! Something like that could end this entire war!" exclaimed Ahsoka, leaning forward excitedly. "Where is it?"
Thrawn began gesturing wildly behind Ahsoka, though HK-47 didn't need the reminder to withhold the location of the Foundry itself. "Derision: My Master kept the location of the Foundry secret for three centuries of torture by the Emperor. I would not tell you even if I knew. Clarification: Which I don't. I suffered extreme damage attempting to eliminate the Imperial strike team, and many memory files were destroyed while I was offline."
"Oh. I suppose that would have been too easy." lamented a dejected Ahsoka. Thrawn gave a sigh of relief. "Still, three centuries, huh? That's pretty impressive."
"Statement: Of course it is. There are few things my Master did that were not impressive." said HK-47 indignantly. "Gratitude: I'm glad to hear that you appreciate the full magnitude of Darth Revan's magnificence. Command: Now go inform the Jedi that they were fools to not celebrate his glory through the millennia."
With that said, HK-47 turned to leave. Ahsoka turned back to Thrawn and their game. "Well he was a character. Do I really have to go tell the Jedi about all that?"
"It's likely for the best if you do not." said Thrawn nonchalantly. "HK-47 has his uses, but I've found him to be rather lacking when it comes to what's socially appropriate. Based on what I've observed of their history, the Jedi Council would probably be less receptive to the return of Darth Revan's story than you." Thrawn looked down to the board and moved a bishop. "Checkmate."
Ahsoka grabbed her head in frustration. "Gah, one of these days Thrawn, I'll beat you!"
Thrawn smiled slightly. "Perhaps even today. Care to go again?" he said, resetting the board.
AN: I've compromised on my "HK-47 breaks into the Jedi Temple and kidnaps some younglings to teach them about Darth Revan" idea and settled for just Ahsoka. Also, if anyone has a better rhyme for "butcher" for the title, I'm all ears. In other news, my colon key is affixed to my laptop with Gorilla Glue, so writing HK-47 is a possibility again.
Just finished my survey of the Outer Rim -- I'll hold off on the Briefing until we're in the middle of next turn and I had relevant content to 'frame' it. Anyway, still a bunch of useful stuff, as well as a few things that might affect our CNS recruitment rolls this turn...
Oh yeah, about those Blackguards... check this out. They're a grey-aligned group, formed by an ex-Sith Lord (he left the Brotherhood of Darkness just before the Battle of Ruusan, due to disagreement that the Force should be used for more than mindless conquest and destruction). The Blackguards are specifically known to seek out other Force sects in order to learn from them. So yeah: they're basically us. They're definitely one to add to the 'make contact with' list.
Two suggestions. First, we could give Asajj a few Rattatak-related Hero Actions on the planet. Or, second, we could 'reclaim' Castle Ventress as an Abyss Watcher base and set up shop on the planet. Siniteens are hyperintelligent craniopods known as exceptional navigators -- they have a comparable reputation to the Sullustans, apparently. We could recruit them, or we could recruit warriors from the Cauldron gladiatorial arena. Plus, they're actually pretty close to Bunduki, so you could invite the Epicanthix and/or the Followers of Palawa to set up shop in a new Force academy....
EDIT: also, it appears that the Leader of the Separatist Parliament (Bec Lawise) is a Siniteen from Rattatak. Which means he knows of (and probably rose to power thanks to) Asajj Ventress. Which gives us a direct 'in' to the Separatist Parliament, to persuade them that Dooku does not have their best interests at heart (preferably we can persuade Lawise before Dooku arranges his murder). That'd be a huge boost to our recruitment efforts within Separatist Space -- however evil the Separatist Council (led by Dooku & corporate leaders) may be, the Parliament is actually pretty moral and decent. Many systems would leave the CIS in a split second if they were aware of Dooku's perfidy.
Asajj can't go around telling everyone (it'd spoil her cover, for one). But if she could persuade Bec Lawise... well, he's a hyperintelligent craniopod, so he could probably come up with some excuse (or dig up enough evidence to justify) rallying other systems out of the CIS. Lots of potential, though.
EDIT 2: reading about Bec Lawise brought me to the article for Amita Fonti -- the Gossam senator representing the Separatist Parliament. And she was one of the leading voices in support of Mina Bonteri's proposal for a peaceful settlement to the war. More evidence of how weak Shu Mai's position is -- she's the leader of the Commerce Guild, with a virtual strangehold over Castell, but even her hand-picked Senator opposes the war. It really shouldn't be hard to persuade the Commerce Guild to oust Shu Mai and withdraw from the war.
Just as the Jedi built the Chu'unthor as a 'praxeum ship' (mobile Jedi enclaves), certain Sith Lords built 'arxeum ships' as mobile war colleges & military academies. <salivates>
This is a outspoken neutral world, in the same sector as Sullust (which we just visited during our meet-and-greet with SoroSuub...). @Dr. Snark, could we roll to add it this turn, or should we wait for next turn?
This is why I found Mustafar so frustrating. Mining corporations, droid foundries, Damask Holding facility (used to train Darth Maul, no less), a Black Sun asset we haven't seized, a former Jedi Enclave currently being used by the 'Blackguards' Force sect...
Oh yeah, about those Blackguards... check this out. They're a grey-aligned group, formed by an ex-Sith Lord (he left the Brotherhood of Darkness just before the Battle of Ruusan, due to disagreement that the Force should be used for more than mindless conquest and destruction). The Blackguards are specifically known to seek out other Force sects in order to learn from them. So yeah: they're basically us. They're definitely one to add to the 'make contact with' list.
And another Jedi married with children.
This was the one I mentioned earlier, the system desperate to join the CNS. They apparently sent a petition to us at the beginning of the war -- and that's according to canon, without the benefit of this quest's Integration Bureau. @Dr. Snark: can we ret-con things so their petition was accepted? If not... well, they got invaded by the CIS and put under the thumb of the Arkanian mutant/experiment Zeta Magnus, eventually freed by the Jedi (specifically Anakin Skywalker) who eventually returned as Darth Vader and enslaved the entire planet. Not awesome. Varada sector is pretty remote, so adding them wouldn't affect any of our actions. Up to you, though.
Same sector as the biscuit-craziness actually. Industrial planet that sells and partners with both Republic and Separatist companies (Kuat and Techno Union), which is pretty much right up our alley as far as neutrality. Again: any chance we could roll for them this turn, or just wait for next turn?
It's up to @Dr. Snark, but I decided to basically ignore the 'Ewoks' TV show with all the magical craziness. "Wisties" and 'sun crystals' are referenced in other sources and seen in other systems/contexts, so they're fine, but I'd really prefer if the 'season scepter' with the four weather Avatars was officially non-canon for this question. Also the floating mountain. Also the living, crying, sentient mountain. Also the lava rivers running through a forest moon landscape. And the forest witch hanging out doing witchy things for whatever reason (retconned as a stranded Dathomir Nightsister, also for whatever reason). Let's not.
This is another Force sect to add to our 'make contact with' list. They're philosophically opposed to the Jedi (kinda like us), they study the Force and midichlorians for fun and profit, they developed a specialized martial art specifically designed to counter the Jedi, and the local population are genetically immune to 'mind tricks' and Force telepathy.
Did anyone know Asajj Ventress owns a planet? Because she apparently owns a planet. Part of her backstory was that she was trained by a Jedi who was targeted and killed by the local warlords; she avenged her master by killing all of them and setting up shop in her own private castle as the planet's ruler, which is what brought her to Dooku's attention in the first place....
Two suggestions. First, we could give Asajj a few Rattatak-related Hero Actions on the planet. Or, second, we could 'reclaim' Castle Ventress as an Abyss Watcher base and set up shop on the planet. Siniteens are hyperintelligent craniopods known as exceptional navigators -- they have a comparable reputation to the Sullustans, apparently. We could recruit them, or we could recruit warriors from the Cauldron gladiatorial arena. Plus, they're actually pretty close to Bunduki, so you could invite the Epicanthix and/or the Followers of Palawa to set up shop in a new Force academy....
EDIT: also, it appears that the Leader of the Separatist Parliament (Bec Lawise) is a Siniteen from Rattatak. Which means he knows of (and probably rose to power thanks to) Asajj Ventress. Which gives us a direct 'in' to the Separatist Parliament, to persuade them that Dooku does not have their best interests at heart (preferably we can persuade Lawise before Dooku arranges his murder). That'd be a huge boost to our recruitment efforts within Separatist Space -- however evil the Separatist Council (led by Dooku & corporate leaders) may be, the Parliament is actually pretty moral and decent. Many systems would leave the CIS in a split second if they were aware of Dooku's perfidy.
Asajj can't go around telling everyone (it'd spoil her cover, for one). But if she could persuade Bec Lawise... well, he's a hyperintelligent craniopod, so he could probably come up with some excuse (or dig up enough evidence to justify) rallying other systems out of the CIS. Lots of potential, though.
EDIT 2: reading about Bec Lawise brought me to the article for Amita Fonti -- the Gossam senator representing the Separatist Parliament. And she was one of the leading voices in support of Mina Bonteri's proposal for a peaceful settlement to the war. More evidence of how weak Shu Mai's position is -- she's the leader of the Commerce Guild, with a virtual strangehold over Castell, but even her hand-picked Senator opposes the war. It really shouldn't be hard to persuade the Commerce Guild to oust Shu Mai and withdraw from the war.
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Sigh, thanks @Panory for reminding me what bothered me about Kotor. Namely, that light/Jedi/Republic side is canon. My build may have sucked, but at least I had a lot of fun playing straight evil darksider.
However, should Revan have redonned the mantle of the Sith in canon, it would be even worse. Since millennia later the Jedi and the Republic still exist, obviously his Sith empire failed. Either while he was in charge, which makes him incompetent. Or his successors were incompetent. And Revan having successor means he failed to keep them in line and develop immortality, which makes him incompetent.
However, should Revan have redonned the mantle of the Sith in canon, it would be even worse. Since millennia later the Jedi and the Republic still exist, obviously his Sith empire failed. Either while he was in charge, which makes him incompetent. Or his successors were incompetent. And Revan having successor means he failed to keep them in line and develop immortality, which makes him incompetent.
- Location
- Australia
Did she know he was an assassin droid prior to facing him there? If not, I'd recommend losing the "assassin" bit.
@Dr. Snark don't do it! Just because it's unusual in the galaxy doesn't mean it doesn't deserve to exist. Mortis was pretty magically crazy too and the only difference was that it didn't have a sense of humour.
Also there is amazing potential for profit with the magical craziness. So much profit.
Dooku didn't arrange his murder, he conducted his murder. Thankfully it only happened because of that whole business with Rush Clovis which we're putting a stop to.
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Panory
The Omake Dragon
- Location
- New York
- Pronouns
- He/Him
The Jedi are really not great at this whole "Don't make babies" thing, aren't they?
Ditch the witch and lava, but I need this to be canon for The Neverending Diplomatic Adventures of Obi-wan Kenobi. We can have him console a mountain, it'll be great.
I like the idea of fusing both. Putting Ventress in charge of an Abyss Watcher's base on her planet.
Non-dialogue is usually third person omniscient, at least in my writing when I'm not going for some big reveal. Makes it easier when I don't have to worry about that exact issue.
- Location
- Australia
There are thousands of Jedi and only a few tens of them have had them. I'd say that's pretty alright. The fact that "Jedi with children" is something worth noting in a planetary analysis should say something about how rare it is.
- Location
- Spain
The thing is that, according to Lucas, the No Attachment Rule doesn´t mean that they are celibate.
Romantic Love is forbidden, but they can have lovers, as long as their relationship doesn´t go beyond of Friend with Privileges.
Due to this, there could potentially be hundreds of Jedi with children, as a product of thousands of one-night stands across the galaxy. What is extremely rare is to have Jedis married or involved with rasing their children.
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- Location
- Australia
This is a pretty big claim, one that seems at odds with what we've seen in the series and movies. Do you have a source you can point to that says Lucas said this?
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- Location
- Spain
Here you have it BBC NEWS | Entertainment | George Lucas: 'I'm still 25'
I don´t know if this is currently considered canon, though... So the best thing you and anyone can do is stick to their Headcanon.
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