Doobie Doobie Doo Bah Doobie Doobie Doo
Missy Byron, completely normal schoolgirl, was having a completely normal day. School was good, her parents were harpies, and her friends were all having fun. She had been doing her homework like a good little student, when all of a sudden, the floor opened up! Her bed was sent careening down a secret track as mechanical arms changed her out of her pajamas and into a very spiffy costume. As she got out of her bed and dusted herself off, the jumbotron on the far wall turned on, revealing General Gallant.
"Good evening, Agent Vista," said the General. "We're sorry for interrupting your English essay, but a matter has come up that needs your intervention."
Vista snapped out a salute. "Ready and willing, General Gallant, sir!"
General Gallant chuckled. "That's what I like to hear! Now, onto your mission. Apeiron, that dastardly character, has recently set up his own corporation on the smoldering ruins of Medhall."
Vista scowled. That no-good nerdy... nerd! He
must be doing something heinous!
"Obviously, this must be a prelude to something heinous," General Gallant continued. "We want
you to go and investigate. You're our only hope, Agent Vista."
Hopping on her Vistabike with determination, Vista peeled out of the mission room through another secret tunnel. Once she was out on the busy streets, she swooned. "What a hunky guy~!" God, General Gallant had no excuse being that manly but she was
so glad he was...
"Apeiron Evil Incorp~era~teeeeeed~!"
"Agh, agh, agh!" A shadowy figure waves his arms around in a stopping gesture. They take a breath. "I'm sorry, fellas, but I just don't think this is working. Must be my name, it needs more syllables, I think. Can I ask you guys to come back when I've come up with a more suitable jingle?"
"Of course, sir, but what about our pay?"
"Yes, yes, of course, I've already sent the money to your accounts. What do you think I am, a cheat?"
Apeiron,
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIL Scientist and Tinker Extraordinaire, sat in his office of
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIL and ruminated on all of the
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIL activities he could get up to today. Like defeating gangs
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVILLY, or donating
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVILLY to charity, or plotting how to mildly inconvenience his arch-nemesis, Vista.
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVILLY.
It was whilst he was plotting his next
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIL scheme
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVILLY that some ruffian decided to break through his skylight. Dispassionately, he watched as a very wonderful motorbike crashed down to the floor, and landing atop of it soon after was...
"A Ward?" Apeiron asked, raising an eyebrow underneath his
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIL helmet as he looked at the spunky little girl dressed in a dress with swooping green lines, a green visor over her eyes, and blonde hair. The two held gazes for a moment until the Ward tossed aside her green visor, revealing...
"VISTA?" Apeiron bellowed, gaping at the spunky little girl in a dress with swooping green lines, a green visor over her eyes, and blonde hair.
"That's right, you tech-illiterate simpering baboon," declared his mortal enemy as she posed heroically. "It's obvious to anybody in sight that you're up to no good, so I'm here to put a stop to your heinous haberdashery!"
"Wait, it was really that obvious?" Apeiron asked, upset that his
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIL schemes were uncovered so quickly.
Vista pinned him with a very unimpressed look. "You named your building, which you built over the smoldering ruins of Medhall, the company providing valuable jobs to the fair citizenry of Brockton Bay, 'Apeiron Evil Incorporated.'"
Apeiron
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVILLY slammed his palms onto his
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIL desk. "Hey, don't you know that the Empire Eighty-Eight was funding Medhall behind the scenes? I'm totally justified!"
Scoffing, Vista adopted a boxer's stance. "Bah! Everybody who has an IQ higher than twenty-five knows that's a conspiracy theory! Now, I'm taking you in! You'll be banished to the moon 'til the sun burns out!"
"Not so fast!" Apeiron declared
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVILLY, pressing an
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIL button on his
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIL desk
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVILLY. Before she could react, Vista was hooked by her underpants, laser cannons, sawblades, and Endbringer Attraction Spraycans pointed right at her, dangling right above a... empty... shark tank...?
"Wha--? Jack Slash, what are you doing in the shark tank?" Apeiron demanded. "And where are all the sharks? I paid good money for those!"
Jack Slash, who was wearing a shark costume, shrugged sheepishly. "Crawler and Siberian ate all the sharks, so, uh... I had to fill in."
Apeiron
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVILLY pounded a fist against his
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIL desk. "Ugh, darn it all! They're on garbage disposal duty for a month! Oh, and while you're here, Jack Slash?"
"Yeah, boss?"
"Yes, could you head down to the pharmacology division and tell Bonesaw to push forward production on the baby powder that induces severe diarrhea?"
"Sure thing, boss."
"Thank you." Apeiron turned back to his arch-nemesis. "Now, where were we?"
"You were going to surrender peacefully and allow yourself to be pied in the face by the entire Protectorate." Vista proclaimed smugly.
"Ah-ah-ah! I don't believe that was it," Apeiron declared. Blast, her cunning plan had failed! "In fact, I do believe I was just about to regale you, my arch-nemesis, with my newest plan for COMPLETE AND UTTERLY TOTAL DOMINATION OF THE ENTIRE east coast of the contiguous forty-eight states of the United States of America," the fiend finished cheerfully, pointing to a map of the area in question.
"As if I would ever care about your dumb, stupid, doo-doo schemes, you meanie!" Vista ineffectually kicked and swung her fists, before deciding to clamp her hands over her ears. "La-lala-la-la-la! La-lala-la-la-la!" Robotic arms descended from the ceiling, clamping onto Vista's wrists and pulling her hands away from her head.
"Now, allow me to tell you of my
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIL business scheme!" Thunder boomed and lightning flashed as several holographic charts and data were shone into the room, assaulting Vista's eyes with
numbers and
customer surveys and... oh, heaven's no,
five-star reviews!
"I, in all of my
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIL genius, shall provide
well-produced, robust, consumer repairable smartphones to the populace!" Vista gasped in astonished, absolute horror. "Yes, yes, think of it all! The
accumulated savings from not having to buy the latest model every year or two!" Vista gasped again. "It's
productivity-focused user interface!" Vista gasped again! "It's ability to stay cool in your hand thanks to my
patented heat sink and fan designs!" Goodness, if Vista gasped any more, it would be so high-pitched that even
her well-trained ears wouldn't be able to pick up the sound! "I'll become so trusted and dependable within the technology sphere that I shall be able to leverage my influence for
humanitarian projects!"
"You capitalist swine!" Vista spat, struggling in her bindings. "How
dare you exercise your legal right to produce products and earn a living through your own efforts? I'll see you
hung for this!"
"Oh-hohohohohoho-HO! I think not, my blonde-haired arch-enemy!" Apeiron cackled
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVILLY. "For you see, I've been looking for somebody to model my latest
clothing line and test my latest
Brainwashing Shampoo®️!" A maid with luscious silver locks emerged from a nearby room, carrying a clothes hanger in one hand and an
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIL looking bottle of shampoo.
"Fiend! Never, I say,
never will I test out any of your products willingly!"
"Oh, trust me, Vista, you'll be plenty willing once this shampoo here is applied! For you see, not only does it deal with split ends, greasy locks, and dandruff," Apeiron steepled his fingers together and chuckled
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVILLY. "It brainwashes!"
Vista shrieked in soul-shattering terror. "A-And the outfit?" She couldn't help but ask. Who knew what sort of dastardly deviousness this monstrosity would put her through? With quivering eyes, she took in the plaid skirt, the black overcoat, the mary-janes, and the tasteful logo with a cursive A on the right breast pocket.
"Hohohohoho, yes, the
outfit! My most devious design yet! You see, I have imbued the very fabrics making up this school uniform with Master and Stranger powers! You, dear Vista, shall be the first and most loyal student of my new
Apeiron Academy for Enterprising Villains! MUWAH-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAA!!"
Apeiron clapped his hands together
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVILLY, smiling. "And it breathes very well to boot!" He snapped his fingers, and the robot snapped to attention. "Now, Clothing-Bot #666,666,666,666,666,666! If you will do the honors?"
Vista's eyes widened in horror as the android drew ever closer. Shaking her head rapidly, she could do naught but yell and scream, too panicked to find one of her usual clever and immensely heroic methods of escape. "No...
no...! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO--!!!"
Missy's eyes snapped open, a choked, aborted scream catching on the very edge of her throat. Her eyes scanned the room.
Her room. She quickly got off of her bed and flicked on the lights. Then, she painstakingly checked underneath her bed for any sort of trap door. She did not find any sign of one. Then, she dashed over to her closet and threw
that open. She did not find anything resembling a Catholic school uniform for girls. She sighed in relief and crawled back into bed. She really needed to stop binging television before bed, it was giving her subconscious the strangest ideas.
The End.
