Well, this took longer than I thought it would,
got longer than I thought it would, and oh sweet Jeebus did it get
darker than I thought it would. I honestly forgot Ritsuko had taken quite a dose of painkillers at the hospital when I started writing the scene. I had only intended for her to be drunk and weepy. But then I remembered what a combination of heavy drinking and painkillers can be used for... And it fit all too well.
No shit warnings of dark, possibly triggering stuff here, everyone. Fair warning. Canon said Ritsuko was going to have a breakdown, the only question was when. Tonight it looks like it's time for her long dark night of the soul.
Unbeta'd.
@Nathaniel Wolff,
@Frodowise,
@Angeblow, this one is for you guys. Thanks for keeping me on.
@JohnnyAdroit,
@Scottsman,
@akrasiel23, you're up next.
Chapter 8.25
Advent
+++
Geofront Apartment 298-B was by any normal standards of living space in post-Second Impact Japan huge, luxurious, and richly furnished. It was deep under layer after layer of armor, defenses, and protective weaponry. It was filled with cutting-edge technology and the latest fashions in furniture and decor.
It was also very cold, lonely, and empty, save for a cat, two empty bottles of wine, and a crying woman.
'Well... mmaybbe threeee bottles. Cann't tell, they whon stip movin',' Ritsuko tried to think. The wine hadn't made things clearer, but it had provided vital numbness. On top of the painkillers she had taken at the hospital, she now felt no physical pain at all.
It had not been a good idea even at the start, but Ritsuko was tired, aching inside and out, and almost desperately in need of some numbness, even loneliness. She could feel the breakdown coming on, and wanted some solitude. She didn't want this to be in front of anyone. She'd had to firmly dissuade a very persistent Maya from coming home with her. It had been very hard: Maya had been very determined not to leave her visibly upset sempai alone, and the prospect of Maya's plain concern for Ritsuko and unrelenting cheerfulness coming home and staying with her had been an extremely seductive idea, so appealing Ritsuko almost started to sob right in the hospital she wanted it so much. But she knew this would be a bad, bad night, and made herself tell Maya to go to her
own apartment and that she'd see her in the morning.
"Cannn't let her shee this. Not this. She thinks I'm so grate.... great. Iff she knew
half the things I've done, half the sins I've committed... for him."
She rolled over and sat up unsteadily on her bed. Him. She'd been everything he demanded of her. Scientific genius, computer wizard, confidant... slut. She hated how much she wanted it, sometimes.
'And you sneered at Misato and Kaji for indulging so much... at least they actually cared about each other, loved each other. What does he think of you? You think he cares?'
"Shut up..." she mumbled at herself. Stupid voices. The wine was supposed to keep them muzzled, not let them out. She rose unsteadily to her feet and stumbled to the kitchen in search of another bottle.
She looked around the living room as she passed through it on the way. Stylish, a few cat-themed decorations... and not a single sign of him. Not so much as a book out of place or single thing from him. No gifts, no flowers, nothing. He never stayed the night, rarely came to her place anyway. It was always her going to him. When he called for her, or when she just went herself. He usually let her.
'And for what? You're just another tool to him. Less even then the doll. And even she pities you for wanting him. She doesn't want him. Just you. Just you... just like Mother.'
And there it was. The thought that made the drinking while on painkillers, made the dwelling on her loneliness and Gendo's lack of true care for her seem like the better alternative. The thought she'd been doing her best to avoid all night.
'Mother was a murderer.'
She ripped open the refrigerator and fumbled for the last bottle of wine. It took three tries to get the cork out. She tilted her head back and took a long drink from the bottle before she even started back towards her bedroom. If she was lucky, she'd manage to drink herself unconscious before… before…
'Mother was a murderer. She killed the first Rei. Then she killed herself…'
She shook her head, trying to force the thought away. All she accomplished was to make the room start to spin even worse, the floor wobbling under her feet like jello.
'And you're just like her.'
She collapsed into the chair at the desk in the bedroom, the sloppy landing of the bottle knocking over the pair of cat dolls by her computer. The black and white figurines bounced against each other, then rolled apart. The black one rolled backwards to bump against the monitor. The white one rolled to the edge of the desk, evaded her numb fingers, and shattered in a burst of ceramic shards as it hit the floor.
'Oh, look, a metaphor,' her inner voice noted bitterly.
"I'mmm not like her. Not. Not gonna…"Her head throbbed. Her body ached. Her stomach hurt. She reached for the bottle of painkillers she'd brought home from the hospital. The child-proof cap proved to also be Ritsuko-proof after three bottles of wine, however. "…jump off the MAGI!" She threw the bottle at the bed in frustration.
'You're halfway into your fourth bottle of wine and trying to take more pills. You're a goddam doctor, Ritsuko. Are we still going to pretend you don't remember what happens when you mix sedatives and alcohol at this dosage? Are we still pretending this isn't a half-assed suicide attempt?'
Her eyes widened and her stare fixed on the bottle of pills on the bed. Her tongue slid around her teeth, the cloying taste of the wine still filling her mouth.
'You know you've thought about it. Hurting her. That last little 'increase' wasn't just to stabilize her, was it? You wanted to punish the little doll for taking his eyes off you. That dose was just a bit below what you knew would be too much, and you didn't even bother with a blood test first. You knew what you were doing. And if it was too much, oops, too bad, just pull a new clone out of the tank, since she's just a disposable doll. You'd not have shed a tear if she died by 'accident'. All to keep his eyes on you… just like Mother.'
Ritsuko's stomach roiled and she bolted for the bathroom. She barely made it to the toilet before a violent heave of wine, bile, and stomach acid erupted from her lips. The bowl looked like an offering of blood from the regurgitated wine. "'m not her… not her…" she panted weakly as the heaves finally halted.
'You think a little hair dye makes a fucking difference? You're his chief science flunky, maintain his Evas and MAGI, you're in his bed, desperate for his attention, you want to hurt Rei for being a threat to your so called 'relationship' with him... Face it: You're just misplacing your hair dye and murdering a girl away from completely turning into Mother! And then taking a header off the MAGI! But hey, you managed to skip the 'murder' part and go straight to the 'suicide'! You're ahead of the curve! Beat that, Mother!'
"No...wonnn't... nevr..." she slurred into the bowl. "Not like her... dun wanna be her..." Hot, bitter tears began to join the strings of bile and snot still dripping from her face into the bowl.
She staggered to her feet, wiping the mess off her face with a towel that she just threw on the floor. She'd clean up in the morning. If there was a morning.
'You're just like her... stupid, blind, used...'
She stopped to lean heavily against the bathroom doorframe on the way out. There was a trail of blood on the floor, leading... towards her? She looked down, then lifted her left foot to check. Yup, a sliver of white ceramic protruded from the bottom of her foot, freely dribbling blood. She hadn't even noticed the injury or the blood. She felt nothing.
'This metaphor just keeps on going, doesn't it? You can't even feel it when you hurt yourself running away from something that was due to him anyhow... oh look, you've even got blood on your hands now, too!'
She managed to pull the sliver out on the fourth try, gaining another small cut on her fingertip in the process. She still felt nothing.
'Stupid, blind fool. You think you're so smart. You've known for months he's just using you, but you kept making excuses. And this whole time he never said a word about Mother. Bastard. And ten to one if he called right now you'd still hop and go right to him, just so you wouldn't have to feel alone. You told your oldest friend she was a lazy alcoholic the last time she tried to talk to you. She was the one who came to see you, not him. Just her and... Maya. Who you firmly told to leave you alone tonight. And then came straight home and started drinking on an empty stomach and taking painkillers.'
She couldn't bring herself to care about the blood.
'You never could.'
So she just wobbled her way around the remaining fragments to the bed, reaching over to grab the wine bottle as she passed. She placed the bottle carefully on the night table before collapsing onto the bed. The king-size bed that was all too empty and cold. As always.
"He nevr stayz..." Her mouth tasted of bile and lingering hints of wine. She reached across the empty side where a partner, a lover, someone to hold would lie. Her reaching fingers found only cold silk satin sheets and a still-closed bottle of pills. She shuddered and pushed them away.
The sheets were still cold. The space beside her so empty. She'd never felt the utter
absence of something mock her so much.
'Was it him being 'charming'? The attention? Just him being there after Mother... did that? That Electra Complex is a bitch, isn't it? Are you that afraid to be alone? Afraid that no one wants you? The way you treat the friends you do have, it's hardly surprising no one wants to be here with you.'
"Maya did..." she whispered.
'Dear, sweet, innocent Maya, who has no idea who you really are? Who doesn't know your hands are covered in blood, and you're willingly helping him plan what he's planning? Who would be revolted if she was here right now and could hear what you're thinking? Just picture the look on her face if she knew... You're a real piece of work, Ritsuko. Misato and Kaji have each other. You know they're back together, even if they keep denying it. That Horaki girl has a boyfriend. Even the goddam First Child has friends, plural. Who do you have?'
Ritsuko couldn't hold in the sob. She grabbed the other pillow and held it in a crushing embrace. "Hurts... dun... dun wanna... be alone..."
'You've done a pretty fucking good job of arranging it, though. No one's looking for you, you told the only person who wanted to be here to go home by herself and not call you, and then started on trying to either kill yourself or drink yourself unconscious. You sure you didn't want this?'
The pillow was becoming a mess of tears and snot. "I don' wan... be alone..." she mumbled into it.
Unbidden, no, unstoppably, a vision pushed its way into her mind's sight: Maya, laying next to her, smiling gently, concerned, reaching over to brush her hair out of her face. She could almost feel her cool fingertips on her temple. Her eyes, full of care. For her. Just for being her. Just wanting to be there with her, for her, beside her.
It was so wonderful it hurt.
"She dozn know... can'... can' let her know...
'She was there when you woke up. Twice. That's twice more than he ever has.'
"She'd hate me..."
'Are you sure? You thought he'd love you. You were wrong then. You want to keep on being alone that much? You stopped and threw up this time. You want to bet you won't try this again another night if you keep feeling like this?'
Memory flashed at her. Him, right after Mother, telling her 'Ritsuko Akagi, I truly need you.' Tall, dark, dominating, everything that made her melt. She'd believed him, then. And when he'd let her 'seduce' him, all awkward 25 years of her, she'd thrilled to his touch, his weight, everything. She'd felt needed, desirable, fulfilled... And now she couldn't stop hearing that tiny little whisper of 'Yui' from him... the last time hadn't even been the first time that had happened.
'She might hate you... but you know for sure he does not care. She might. Misato still came to see you too. Even Kaji has seen you. And if those two can forgive each other and start again, maybe... maybe you can too. Maybe there's a way out that isn't...this.'
"But..."
'If Misato and Kaji and... and Maya still turn their backs on you, then... you're just right back here. No worse than you already are. It can only go up. Unless you want to roll over and take some more of those pills and chase them with the rest of that wine, and finish what you started.'
Ritsuko lay there, just breathing and clutching the pillow like a life preserver for a long, long time. Finally, she rolled over, hands shaking, reaching for the night table where the bottles stood...
...and picked up the phone.
