Monster Mash (00:00)
The Glorft were busy fixing whatever was broken.
E: "I feel they could've been more efficient with this."
K: "The more efficient the Glorft are, the less time the good guys have."
A: "So we want them to take their time!"
S: "Especially if it's a weapon."
M: "Isn't a r-report meant to be a-about progress?"
R: "Gorrath being Gorrath."
S: "…Wait, that's a planet buster?"
A: "Ooh, like in Star Wars!"
R: "That is another thing we can say they are ripping on."
K: "And another thing the good guys should probably focus on."
E: "Are they just planning on destroying Earth so no one can have the Megas?"
Gorrath essentially answered Eliza's question.
M: "You're p-pretty good at asking those sorta questions, Eliza."
Eliza shrugged.
Before they cut to this primitive proto-Earther, engaging in typical proto-Earther activities.
A: "Though yeah, when the proto-Earthers are doing stuff like that, I can kinda understand."
S: "I'm sure Kiva wouldn't be too pleased with this, as well."
M: "Why are y-you stuffing bones into your burger?!"
R: "Maybe he wishes to up his calcium intake. For those big bones of his."
E: "You don't have a ton of food like this when you watch professional wrestling, right Rei?"
R: "I have never been much of a heavy eater. Perhaps a few snack foods, but not on the scale of this."
M: "Yeah, t-that's just America."
Satellite (01:35)
The monster mash started.
And then stopped.
A: "Well that's certainly a great time for the satellite to go down!"
S: "That's when things like that tend to happen, I feel."
R: "Especially when there is a story that is to happen."
K: "Ah, so their task for today will be to fix the satellite."
There was an attempt. "Of course it uses the Megas."
M: "It has been a r-rather effective multi-tool, so f-far."
A: "I wouldn't think it was a lack of power to the dish."
E: "It'd be a signal issue, of course you can always boost the signal. Which, I suppose applying several million amps to a satellite dish would boost whatever signal it gets."
S: "And would probably fry the entirety of New Jersey's electrical grid."
K: "New Jersey has proven themselves pretty good at rebuilding after catastrophic destruction."
And so Coop redlined the Barra, resulting in a broadcast that blew up every TV in the Greater Jersey area.
R: "That went as we expected, I am assuming."
M: "The electrical g-grid is intact, at least."
A: "At least the TV manufacturers will be happy!"
This broadcast went further, out into space.
S: "This is gonna be an issue?"
R: "In all likelihood."
The wave washed over a large pollen like world.
Which promptly turned around and lunged at the camera, resulting in a slight jump from Asuka, not that she would admit such thing.
E: "And all because they wanted to watch wrestling."
K: "Now that I think about it, most of the issues in these episodes were caused either directly or indirectly by the trio."
A: "It's a change from our world, that's for sure."
Stand Off (03:35)
Coop and Jaime stood in Mexican stand off. "Wonder what h-happened with those two."
Mari's question was answered with a ripping burp from Coop, birds flying away at the sound.
A: "Oh for fuck's sake."
K: "They're making their own entertainment, at least."
S: "I think I'd prefer the wrestling."
Jaime did a burp of his own.
R: "That was rather pathetic."
E: "He still thinks he won."
K: "A very Jaime thing to do, I would think."
M: "They're d-doing all this for a chair?"
A: "Must be a pretty damn comfy chair, then!"
S: "Do they not have the money to buy another one?"
E: "Consider they had to look in their car for $1.49. I don't think they're entirely solvent."
R: "That, or they would rather save money than spend it."
K: "All that food would be a significant expense."
They were about to get back to the burping match, until Kiva reminded them of the TV.
…Which still wasn't working.
A: "It's almost like the problem wasn't with the dish itself. Did they even bother to look at the other connections?"
S: "The way it just dropped, maybe something happened to the satellite itself. Wouldn't be the first time a TV satellite got knocked out of orbit."
R: "A shame for him; this is how he trains."
M: "…How can y-you train from watching TV?"
K: "The same way playing a video game might train you."
A: "At least a video game teaches you reaction times and strategy. You don't really learn much just mindlessly sitting in front of a TV."
E: "We've been doing alright with watching TV."
S: "We do also commentate a lot on whatever's on, mind you."
All the while, the beastly pollen ball edged closer to the Earth, consuming what looked like the Voyager probe.
R: "Perhaps the satellites are getting knocked out of orbit. More accurately, eaten out of orbit."
Just Television (05:10)
A: "I'm sure he thinks the world needs television."
R: "Perhaps if Kiva's world had television, the Glorft would not have almost won."
They saw what a world without television would look like.
M: "And t-this is Coop imagining this."
K: "What a tragedy, world peace was achieved."
A: "She's like those people that say video games were the cause of all the world's troubles."
E: "Yes, the Angels came to Earth because people were playing video games."
S: "Maybe Lilith wanted someone to do multiplayer with?"
The Nephilim couldn't help but feel amused at this thought. "I could think of worse scenarios."
M: "Certainly took t-those three long enough to think it w-was the satellite."
K: "In any other world, the satellite would be the last thing you'd think about. Especially with how many redundancies I'd assume were in place."
E: "What about in that world?"
K: "It's a reasonable conclusion to come to."
A: "I know he's pretty good at tech stuff, but what can he do to a satellite?"
He explained what he was going to do with the satellite.
S: "I'd say that'd damage it more, but it didn't hurt the dish when he tried it."
R: "A satellite dish is nothing more than a cone to concentrate a signal into a receiver; not many components that can go wrong. A satellite on the other hand is full of computers and sensors and other electrically sensitive materials."
E: "And pumping millions of amps into it would fry it."
Whatever Coop was planning ultimately didn't matter, as they encountered the satellite snacking monster.
K: "This is the second being in this universe that consumes energy of a sort."
S: "A part of me wonders just how you could eat signals like that."
R: "As Kaworu suggested, radio waves are a form of energy. Weak energy, in comparison to other sorts of waves, but still energy regardless. So you could consume it."
M: "Doesn't s-sound too efficient."
A: "Works for that thing." She shrugged. "Also with all the broadcasts on Earth or really any developed planet, there'd be plenty to snack on."
Burst (06:40)
Coop seemed to take this as an insult on the institution of television, throwing themselves at the pollen ball.
M: "Do y-you guys think he'll listen to Kiva?"
A: "Nope."
R: "I agree with Asuka."
Yeah, he was rash, slicing a couple tentacles free from the alien.
S: "So how have they screwed up this time?"
E: "Angering the strange alien that eats radio waves would never really be a wise option, I feel."
K: "It sounds like Jaime knows how this being found Earth."
A: "Kiva as well, judging by that look."
Attempting to correct this mistake, Coop attempted to solve this 'Jersey City style'.
S: "Do I even have to ask, Mari?"
M: "Pfft, if they h-had missiles they might."
E: "Why are there so many buttons for missiles?"
R: "For when you really want to make sure your quarry is atomised."
A: "How the hell does he even get these missiles for the Megas?"
Her question unanswered, the Megas fired everything.
Which resulted in nothing more than a small cloud, and the unamused look of Kiva.
This also resulted in the gang bursting out into hysterics. "I guess that a-answers your question, Asuka. He gets his missiles f-from a dollar store!"
R: "At least Kiva is trying to be strategic."
S: "Could say Jaime's idea was strategic, as well."
E: "Maybe a combination of the two. Go home and determine how to defeat the TV signal eating Angel."
Not listening to any of these suggestions, Coop flew to the alien.
A: "He's sure taking his time, isn't he?"
K: "Perhaps Jaime was correct with the scale of this being."
Eventually, he made landfall on the being, punching it several times over.
All of which did nothing.
S: "He likes falling back on the punch until defeated strategy, doesn't he?"
R: "He has no formal training, after all. I am sure our world would take a more nuanced approach."
Tentacle (09:45)
As Coop and Jaime were arguing on what to do, the alien answered this with their tentacles.
M: "Well, this has t-taken a bit of a turn."
R: "This was not made in Japan; it will not go down that path."
A: "I'm sure if it did, the Americans would've crucified Cartoon Network."
Coop's attempts at escaping only resulted in yet more tentacles restraining the Megas.
K: "It can be seen as somewhat suggestive, admittedly."
S: "At least it's the Megas, and not a girl."
E: "The Megas has a girl in it."
The only funny business going on was their absorption into the alien.
M: "…I mean, it's n-not the worst outcome."
R: "They might survive another five minutes."
K: "But as long as the Megas is intact, there is always a chance."
A: "Especially with how arbitrary the Megas seems to be."
S: "I'm sure some people would consider our Evangelion rather arbitrary."
It cut to inside the belly of the beast, Megas holding on for dear life as an MTV satellite dropped into acid.
R: "If only they had an AT-Field."
E: "That doesn't seem too sta-"
The show preempted Eliza and had them begin falling, Coop barely finding the jets in time.
M: "Really c-cutting it close there."
A: "Maybe if the Megas gave him the controls for it earlier."
Kaworu chuckled. "Ah, so the Megas determines what controls are there."
A: "It'd explain why there's so many weirdly specific controls."
Speaking of layout, Coop commented on exactly that after he accidentally set off the missiles.
R: "This is why we need consistency."
M: "What c-controls are there on an Evangelion a-anyway?"
A: "You got a few buttons on the butterfly controls for various functions and for going through the menus and shit, but most of the time you can just think about it."
R: "There is also the self destruct mechanism."
A: "It's more a lever instead of a button."
Snot (12:05)
A storm of snot headed their way.
K: "Like many organic beings, I'm sure this has an immune system of sorts."
R: "It could just be digestive aids, as well."
The extent of how bad they would be was shown to Coop, as one of the 'giant boogers' cleanly cut through the Megas.
M: "Don't let t-the snot hit you, got it."
S: "It's kinda their job, isn't it?"
It was certainly enough incentive for Coop to destroy them, like it were a video game.
E: "He may not take all this too seriously, but you can't deny the results."
A "I think that's just him though, eh? He's always pretty carefree about most things, even if it involves his life."
R: "Of course, he does get into serious mode on occasion."
K: "Specifically when it involves his car, food, or the television. But everyone has something, or someone, they're passionate about and live for."
S: "So instead of like us where we live for each other, Coop lives for all that."
K: "Indeed. It works for him, though."
As they were taking refuge, Kiva continued analysing.
E: "I find it strange how they're still broadcasting. If no signals can get from the satellite, how are the signals meant to get to the satellite?"
A: "Do you think Cartoon Network really thought about how a TV satellite works?"
E: "I don't know why I even asked."
R: "Either way, Coop should understand that no Earth would mean no wrestling."
S: "There might be some intergalactic wrestling."
M: "Would Earth b-be the biggest source of TV signals? Surely that s-space station we saw a few episodes ago broadcasted everywhere in t-the universe."
K: "Which currently doesn't exist."
E: "I'm sure to the alien, it would appear the Earth was like that. With that massive broadcast in Coop's attempt to get a signal."
Speedrun (13:50)
They found their way to a sphincter.
A: "If that's the ass of that thing, I swear to God."
R: "There are other sphincters, Asuka."
S: "Maybe it's vocal related. It is making a sound."
M: "So c-can the ass."
This gave Coop an idea.
E: "Well, I don't see anywhere else they can go."
K: "He knows it's futile to try bursting his way out. If he couldn't even break into the alien without it taking the Megas in deliberately."
A: "Do you think he can time it?"
R: "If he can not, the next few discs would just be static."
S: "Good thing he has video games to fall back on."
M: "That's actually k-kinda impressive, beating s-something like that quickly."
R: "When you have completed a game, sometimes it can be interesting to make your own challenge."
K: "Not that we tend to speedrun."
E: "Is that what that's called?"
Kaworu nodded. "Perhaps with your Unix heritage, you will do well at such thing."
Eliza smirked. "If I can find a video game to play. It's all just optimising variables to the extreme. Should be easy enough."
Coop might've wanted to take his time, but the 'booger things' made the decision for him.
A: "Well let's hope his speedrunning skills are actually good!"
S: "He does hold a world record, apparently."
M: "And video g-game skills seem to directly translate to real w-world skills in their world."
Coop missed the cycle, getting stuck in the sphincter.
K: "Well, it didn't bisect him, at least."
Graveyard (15:05)
M: "It wasn't an a-asshole."
A: "With how much garbage is in there, you'd think it was."
K: "They would be the remnants of the myriad species that attempted to get their television satellites back, I would think."
E: "They weren't too successful, were they?"
S: "At least those two can look on the bright side of life."
R: "You would not think that of Jaime."
And so Coop looked through the satellites.
E: "A part of me thinks it's stupid to have one satellite for a single channel."
A: "It is. It doesn't even work like that; a satellite is just a glorified repeater. They're not occupied by little green aliens running an entire TV station within it!"
R: "The alien television satellites may work like that, you never know."
It didn't take too long to find the satellite he was looking for, and they soon booked it.
K: "At this point, the wrestling match would've been over and done with."
M: "You u-underestimate how long they can drag it o-out for. They're probably s-still showing the commercials."
S: "And all the things they've done today would've been way more entertaining."
A: "Maybe more adrenaline pumping. Kinda like what Coop's doing now."
E: "Now if only he did it a bit earlier."
R: "He had to maintain at least some care, if he wanted to save the all important satellite."
M: "I'd still w-want to maintain some care. Ya n-never know when one of those booger thingies utterly p-pierce it."
Out of the pollen ball, he threw the satellite back into orbit.
They didn't exactly expect the satellite to simply stop in its tracks. "Wait what?"
E: "I see inertia doesn't exist in this world."
S: "There's still the small issue of that giant alien that eats satellites."
K: "And they can't watch wrestling if they're dead."
R: "I am sure Coop would find a way."
Pulse (16:45)
They listened on to Coop's inspirational monologue.
A: "Well, if it keeps the planet alive."
S: "I wish we could monologue like that and not get destroyed for letting our guard down."
K: "Didn't we come to the conclusion we might not be able to come up with the right words, at the time?"
E: "You two might be able to. And I'm still working on a monologue generator."
R: "How is it going?"
E: "I got it generating monologues in English, but I need to get around rewriting it all cause I don't know why I can't change the language."
A: "Ain't that programming in a nutshell."
The speech was good and all, but there wasn't really any ideas stemming from it.
M: "How would y-you defeat something like that?"
R: "The Lance of Longinus is always a good option." With a small huff. "Then again, it may not exist in their universe."
K: "It sounds like they might have come up with the idea. You can always overeat."
S: "How would you get that many TV waves to begin with?"
E: "Same way he did that started this whole thing. Pump a few million amps into a satellite dish."
Kiva got to programming.
E: "An EMP works as well." She shrugged.
M: "Might w-wanna use several EMPs, just t-to be sure."
Coop fired the torpedo.
Asuka sighed as Jaime and Kiva almost immediately disparaged Coop. "What'd he do now?"
K: "Maybe he replaced the innards of the EMP with something other than the regular innards of an EMP."
He essentially confirmed this, the flashback indicating just what happened with it.
S: "He turned it into a fridge?!"
E: "Well, now they're screwed. Unless they had a backup EMP, but it looks like that universe is allergic to backing up their shit!"
Eliza perked some, upon hearing the contents of this fridge. "Wait a minute. They mentioned pop rocks and soda earlier."
K: "Congratulations, Eliza. You found the ending."
A: "That wouldn't do anything, right?"
Rock Salt (19:15)
The alien started foaming at the mouth, Jaime eagerly watching on.
R: "I do not believe we have ever thought of doing this to an Angel. I do believe the Simpsons have done that, however."
A: "Might've made Leliel a bit easier. Since apparently combining pop rocks and soda is like setting off a nuke!"
K: "I wonder what they make pop rocks out of, in their world."
E: "Evidently, something highly volatile when it comes in contact with soda. What even is in soda that could cause this?"
M: "Bunch of carbon d-dioxide and sugar?"
E: "Yeah I knew it wouldn't have made sense."
The planet sized alien exploded, sending the Megas flying.
S: "Looks like it'll be raining alien for weeks."
A: "Might destroy New Jersey again!"
It cut to the Glorft.
R: "It appears they may destroy New Jersey first."
M: "Eh, they've c-come back from worse."
K: "It's as if they attached a Death Star laser to their ship."
Said Death Star laser apparently couldn't handle a light shower of alien gore, snapping off and exploding at the unexpected shower of gibs.
Much to the gang's laugher. "How does that keep happening to them?"
E: "The Gods haven't been smiling on them lately, have they?"
R: "Which is a good thing. They are the antagonists, after all."
M: "For being a-antagonists, they haven't been d-doing too much antagonising so f-far."
K: "They've had a couple episodes thus far, which is more than the other antagonists of the day."
Showers (21:20)
After all Coop did, the cable still didn't work.
A: "Maybe you put the satellite in the wrong orbit."
S: "It practically snapped into orbit, didn't it?"
Coop's mum called for him.
A: "…Hang on a minute, how old is he?"
R: "Young enough to be still living with at least one parent."
E: "And they have paid no attention to what Coop and company have been doing?"
K: "We didn't even know they existed until a few seconds ago, clearly they don't mind much."
On his mother's behest, he glanced at the cable bill.
The group had a small moment of silence, comprehending all this.
M: "So all this c-could've been avoided."
R: "Yes."
K: "Like most things in this show, it seems."
A: "Welp, now he get to pay his bills." She blinked. "Do they not have automated billing in the States or something?"
M: "They do, but I d-don't think many people take them up on it. They'd p-prefer to pay it themselves."
E: "Is it so they can make sure they wouldn't try anything funny with the transaction?"
Mari shrugged. "We do kinda h-have a natural distrust of government and businesses, so p-probably."
S: "I never really understood that. Surely they of all people would have your interests in mind?"
M: "Might be what y-you guys think. Even our Founding Fathers didn't b-believe government had our b-best interests in mind, hence w-why you have things like the Second Amendment."
K: "A different attitude to Japan, I would think. Though what do you think of such thing, Mari?"
M: "Eh. Kinda n-need a government in day to d-day life; roads and infrastructure and shit l-like that aren't gonna maintain themselves. I've n-never been too involved in politics myself; too y-young for that kinda thing to interest me fully."
A: "As long as they don't get too big for their boots."
Mari nodded. "Even t-then, you don't need to shoot up Capitol H-Hill every time a Congressman f-fucks you over. We're a democracy, after a-all."
R: "Shows you do not always need a gun. Though I am sure you think it as a good thing to fall back on."
M: "Yeah. Maybe I s-should take you guys shooting, if w-we ever end up in America."
S: "I mean, we've kinda all shot guns before."
E: "In the Evangelion."
A: "I had some weapons training; pistols and shit. Same any pilot gets, really."
R: "I do not recall experiencing such training."
K: "Nor I."
A: "Huh. Maybe Gendo and Seele didn't think it wise to hand a weapon to you two or something. Did you at least get training with regular firearms, Mari?"
M: "I'm American."
A: "Right, shouldn't have asked."
The episode ended with Coop walking through a rain of alien gibs, to pay his cable bill.
"So all in all, this entire episode was pointless."
"It taught Coop a valuable lesson to look in his pockets, at least."
"And once more no one is paying mind to the alien rain."
"He's g-gonna eat it, isn't he?" Thought Mari, seeing the end credits.
"I think that ought to be a rule of anything alien." Began Shinji. "Do not eat anything alien."
"It would've concerned me some if you started serving up Angel."
Mari caught a gag, as the credits cut to the next image. "Yep, he a-ate it."
"It obviously tasted good." With a small smirk. "And some parts of an Angel does taste nice."
"What, have you ta-" Asuka locked up, as she got the innuendo. "Rei!"
The smirk remained, as a small blush creeped on Kaworu.
And with that, the next episode started.
~~~
Burn the heretic!
