Always Late
Lacking in coffee, sleep, and brains
- Location
- Ohio
Oh hey, alerts for Stryp's thread. Let's see wha-
I really shouldn't be shocked by now.
...
...
I really shouldn't be shocked by now.
Advice and Trust [NGE]
Birthday Candles 1
- Location
- National Capital Region, USA
Alright, birthday time! To be clear, this is a stand-alone, non-A&T thing, based off that idea @akrasiel23 mentioned. Yes, I'm combining that idea with my plan to give Asuka a happy birthday snippet. Hold my beer and watch this.
Birthday Candles 1
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I thought I knew everything. I was also 14. So this means I really knew just enough to be #1) an insufferable jerk, #2) a tormented, overwrought emo jerk, and #3) and hurtful idiot.
And a jerk. Of course.
In my defense, I was trying to save the world.
Everyone knows the public story, of course. The parts that were released after the ICJ Tribunal on Third Impact, the UN Trials, the separate national investigations, etc. I, Shinji Ikari, son of Supreme Commander of NERV Gendo Ikari, was summoned to Tokyo-3 on short notice to pilot Evangelion Unit-01 against what would eventually be admitted was the Third Angel, Sachiel. And somehow I won a spectacular victory.
What the public official version mostly leaves out was that was mostly my mother doing the smashing and winning. Sure, I turned out to have an annoying amount of talent for a job I mostly hated, but that first battle was 90% mother. I mostly just held on and tried not to throw up.
It wasn't just the physical side, being thrown around in a wildly charging Evangelion. It was the other side, the part that I haven't really told anyone outside the Tribunals about until now. When mother and I were deeply synched like that, the bond between us wide open in the Eva, I could hear her, communicate with her.
And she told me everything. SEELE, their plans, Second Impact, Instrumentality, everything.
I have to admit, I more or less freaked the Hell out. It wasn't just shock from the end of the battle that made me pass out at the end, and wake up later in the hospital. It was learning my whole family was insane and bent on ending the world and humanity as I knew it in the name of trying to be gods.
Hell of a thing to drop on a 14 year old boy who hadn't precisely had a great childhood to begin with.
So... I kind of went a little nuts. In retrospect, and a pile of therapy, it's easy to say 'Holy shit, that was not healthy and a miracle it didn't leave everyone dead or insane!', but again, I was 14, traumatized, and had a shitty upbringing. So in the face of learning all this, and accepting mother's charge that I had to stop this, I... shut down, sort of.
I wanted to tell everyone, someone, some adult. Misato, or someone. Not me, not 14 year old Shinji Ikari, who was by no measure fit to save the world from a conspiracy that would make the Elders of Zion look like a bad parody. But mother warned me that SEELE would not hesitate a bit to kill anyone who showed signs of knowing too much, so I couldn't.
So I shut out everything that wasn't... mission critical. Mother and I figured out pretty fast that father had... not taken her loss well, and was on his own plan. So, in order not to end up like him, I shut out the idea of getting attached. To anyone. I would be the rock and the island that humanity needed to save the world. I could have a breakdown later.
And I did. Oh God, did I.
And so did Asuka, Touji, Misato...
I am truly sorry, all of you. You know exactly how much, since despite my efforts, SEELE and my father still managed to trigger Instrumentality after... after Kaworu. And so you all got to see inside me, and see my intentions, just as I saw inside you. But you all took that knowledge, and stood with me as we faced down my father, and shut Instrumentality down before it went too far, and we saved the world anyhow.
I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough alone.
I'm sorry to Asuka most of all. Seeing into her heart, seeing how she'd been trying to reach out to me in her way, and how deeply I hurt her by shutting her out cold in my quest to be... unattached... I have yet to forgive myself for that. Even saving the world was almost too much, when it cut her like that.
I have every right to do that with my own heart, my own soul. But I never asked permission for hers. It was not mine to spend like that, and I don't know if I ever can forgive myself for how I hurt her. I knew some of it at the time, too. Hard to miss the muffled weeping coming from her room some nights. I wouldn't let myself... do anything. But what carried me through was the promise I kept making to myself was that once we had beaten SEELE, I'd make up for it, even if it took the rest of my life.
Some nights that promise was all that let me sleep.
So there we were, SEELE smashed, every member of the conspiracy that we managed to capture before they could cheat the hangman in jail forever, the disruption of Instrumentality settled, everything right with the world. Great, right? They gave us therapists, stipends, and public congratulations, and then stuffed Asuka, Misato, and myself right back in that apartment, to be left alone by the reformed UN, the Japanese Government, and the media. At our own request, yes.
And no, I have no idea how Tokyo-3 was put back as it was, empty Geofront and all. Blame it on Rei Ayanami.
You might have thought 'Oh, great! We're still living together, all bills taken care of, perfect opportunity to make things up to Asuka and Misato!' Rei too, if she'd ever come back from Instrumentality.
You'd have been wrong.
Turns out, while Asuka got a good look inside my heart during all that, and saw why I'd shut her out, she also saw that I was far more aware of her attraction and flirting with me than I let on at the time, and my own awareness that I was hurting her by rejection. Which she... took badly.
Things on that front came to a head December 4th, 2016. Yes, her 15th birthday. Yes, it was my fault. Of course. I had made up a pretty, authentic-calligraphy-and-all letter apologizing to her and promising to never again hurt her, to always be there when she wanted or needed me. I'd explained everything to her already, over the months we'd all been living together, but it felt proper to have it all written down and in a nice formal form to give her as a present.
I'm not a complete idiot. It was hardly the only present I'd gotten her. Plus the full course meal I'd spent the day cooking up.
Ok, fine, I was a complete idiot. Yes, I was doing all this out of pathetic hope that I wouldn't somehow permanently drive away the gorgeous, vibrant, and utterly fascinating girl I'd fallen for.
Yes, I loved her. Yes, through the war itself and my stupid promise to put saving the world above everything else. That promise was a lot easier to make before I met her. It was hard enough when I met Rei. I sort of loved her too. But I was 14 and afraid and desperate about SEELE and my father's plans, so it was easier to shut all that out and tell myself it was necessary to save the world.
I did mention I was an idiot.
I mentioned my promise to make things up after the war, and this felt like a way to both apologize and assure her I meant everything I'd told her over the months since Instrumentality. But of course, I hadn't really let myself face thinking about her pain over events, or the timing. So when I handed Asuka that envelope with my letter at the end of her birthday dinner, I probably should have expected what happened. Asuka read the letter, her face going blank, and then gave me a look that I'm surprised didn't burn the shirt off my chest and the skin off my face. It felt like it was Ramiel all over again.
"You... you fucking ass!" she screamed.
I blinked. I had no idea.
"You.. you give me this, this... NOW?! You give me this NOW?! Where were you when I was being violated by the 15th?! Where were you when I was alone in this apartment a year ago today?! Where were you when I was lying in that bathtub waiting to DIE?! NOW? Now because it's convenient to you?!" she roared. "Fuck off and DIE!"
"Asuka, I-"
The wadded up letter hit me in the face. By the time I blinked my eyes open again, she was around the corner and down the hall. I heard her bedroom door slam shut.
We didn't talk for a week.
And that's the story of how I ruined Asuka Langley Soryu's 14th and 15th birthdays.
+++
Writing these as I go. There will be more, obviously. Tonight.
Birthday Candles 1
+++
I thought I knew everything. I was also 14. So this means I really knew just enough to be #1) an insufferable jerk, #2) a tormented, overwrought emo jerk, and #3) and hurtful idiot.
And a jerk. Of course.
In my defense, I was trying to save the world.
Everyone knows the public story, of course. The parts that were released after the ICJ Tribunal on Third Impact, the UN Trials, the separate national investigations, etc. I, Shinji Ikari, son of Supreme Commander of NERV Gendo Ikari, was summoned to Tokyo-3 on short notice to pilot Evangelion Unit-01 against what would eventually be admitted was the Third Angel, Sachiel. And somehow I won a spectacular victory.
What the public official version mostly leaves out was that was mostly my mother doing the smashing and winning. Sure, I turned out to have an annoying amount of talent for a job I mostly hated, but that first battle was 90% mother. I mostly just held on and tried not to throw up.
It wasn't just the physical side, being thrown around in a wildly charging Evangelion. It was the other side, the part that I haven't really told anyone outside the Tribunals about until now. When mother and I were deeply synched like that, the bond between us wide open in the Eva, I could hear her, communicate with her.
And she told me everything. SEELE, their plans, Second Impact, Instrumentality, everything.
I have to admit, I more or less freaked the Hell out. It wasn't just shock from the end of the battle that made me pass out at the end, and wake up later in the hospital. It was learning my whole family was insane and bent on ending the world and humanity as I knew it in the name of trying to be gods.
Hell of a thing to drop on a 14 year old boy who hadn't precisely had a great childhood to begin with.
So... I kind of went a little nuts. In retrospect, and a pile of therapy, it's easy to say 'Holy shit, that was not healthy and a miracle it didn't leave everyone dead or insane!', but again, I was 14, traumatized, and had a shitty upbringing. So in the face of learning all this, and accepting mother's charge that I had to stop this, I... shut down, sort of.
I wanted to tell everyone, someone, some adult. Misato, or someone. Not me, not 14 year old Shinji Ikari, who was by no measure fit to save the world from a conspiracy that would make the Elders of Zion look like a bad parody. But mother warned me that SEELE would not hesitate a bit to kill anyone who showed signs of knowing too much, so I couldn't.
So I shut out everything that wasn't... mission critical. Mother and I figured out pretty fast that father had... not taken her loss well, and was on his own plan. So, in order not to end up like him, I shut out the idea of getting attached. To anyone. I would be the rock and the island that humanity needed to save the world. I could have a breakdown later.
And I did. Oh God, did I.
And so did Asuka, Touji, Misato...
I am truly sorry, all of you. You know exactly how much, since despite my efforts, SEELE and my father still managed to trigger Instrumentality after... after Kaworu. And so you all got to see inside me, and see my intentions, just as I saw inside you. But you all took that knowledge, and stood with me as we faced down my father, and shut Instrumentality down before it went too far, and we saved the world anyhow.
I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough alone.
I'm sorry to Asuka most of all. Seeing into her heart, seeing how she'd been trying to reach out to me in her way, and how deeply I hurt her by shutting her out cold in my quest to be... unattached... I have yet to forgive myself for that. Even saving the world was almost too much, when it cut her like that.
I have every right to do that with my own heart, my own soul. But I never asked permission for hers. It was not mine to spend like that, and I don't know if I ever can forgive myself for how I hurt her. I knew some of it at the time, too. Hard to miss the muffled weeping coming from her room some nights. I wouldn't let myself... do anything. But what carried me through was the promise I kept making to myself was that once we had beaten SEELE, I'd make up for it, even if it took the rest of my life.
Some nights that promise was all that let me sleep.
So there we were, SEELE smashed, every member of the conspiracy that we managed to capture before they could cheat the hangman in jail forever, the disruption of Instrumentality settled, everything right with the world. Great, right? They gave us therapists, stipends, and public congratulations, and then stuffed Asuka, Misato, and myself right back in that apartment, to be left alone by the reformed UN, the Japanese Government, and the media. At our own request, yes.
And no, I have no idea how Tokyo-3 was put back as it was, empty Geofront and all. Blame it on Rei Ayanami.
You might have thought 'Oh, great! We're still living together, all bills taken care of, perfect opportunity to make things up to Asuka and Misato!' Rei too, if she'd ever come back from Instrumentality.
You'd have been wrong.
Turns out, while Asuka got a good look inside my heart during all that, and saw why I'd shut her out, she also saw that I was far more aware of her attraction and flirting with me than I let on at the time, and my own awareness that I was hurting her by rejection. Which she... took badly.
Things on that front came to a head December 4th, 2016. Yes, her 15th birthday. Yes, it was my fault. Of course. I had made up a pretty, authentic-calligraphy-and-all letter apologizing to her and promising to never again hurt her, to always be there when she wanted or needed me. I'd explained everything to her already, over the months we'd all been living together, but it felt proper to have it all written down and in a nice formal form to give her as a present.
I'm not a complete idiot. It was hardly the only present I'd gotten her. Plus the full course meal I'd spent the day cooking up.
Ok, fine, I was a complete idiot. Yes, I was doing all this out of pathetic hope that I wouldn't somehow permanently drive away the gorgeous, vibrant, and utterly fascinating girl I'd fallen for.
Yes, I loved her. Yes, through the war itself and my stupid promise to put saving the world above everything else. That promise was a lot easier to make before I met her. It was hard enough when I met Rei. I sort of loved her too. But I was 14 and afraid and desperate about SEELE and my father's plans, so it was easier to shut all that out and tell myself it was necessary to save the world.
I did mention I was an idiot.
I mentioned my promise to make things up after the war, and this felt like a way to both apologize and assure her I meant everything I'd told her over the months since Instrumentality. But of course, I hadn't really let myself face thinking about her pain over events, or the timing. So when I handed Asuka that envelope with my letter at the end of her birthday dinner, I probably should have expected what happened. Asuka read the letter, her face going blank, and then gave me a look that I'm surprised didn't burn the shirt off my chest and the skin off my face. It felt like it was Ramiel all over again.
"You... you fucking ass!" she screamed.
I blinked. I had no idea.
"You.. you give me this, this... NOW?! You give me this NOW?! Where were you when I was being violated by the 15th?! Where were you when I was alone in this apartment a year ago today?! Where were you when I was lying in that bathtub waiting to DIE?! NOW? Now because it's convenient to you?!" she roared. "Fuck off and DIE!"
"Asuka, I-"
The wadded up letter hit me in the face. By the time I blinked my eyes open again, she was around the corner and down the hall. I heard her bedroom door slam shut.
We didn't talk for a week.
And that's the story of how I ruined Asuka Langley Soryu's 14th and 15th birthdays.
+++
Writing these as I go. There will be more, obviously. Tonight.
- Location
- Voidbetweenstars
This is how badly traumatized people react to people trying to get in really close.
Birthday Candles 2
- Location
- National Capital Region, USA
Birthday Candles 2
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Things improved over the next year. They kind of had to, since screaming at me and throwing things was kind of a low bar.
In hindsight, the fact that we were still living together probably should have been a hint. But as I mentioned, I'm an idiot. I lived in a perpetual state of low-grade dread that Asuka would just one day up and move out to her own place, a threat she made not infrequently. In retrospect, I should have given more weight to my own desperate mental self-reassurance that Asuka did view us as family of a sort, and family that she liked a lot more than her father and step-mother, so why would she leave?
We'd seen each other's hearts. The idea of Asuka leaving terrified me like nothing else. I should have known the same was true for her.
It was bad enough to lose Misato.
We should have seen it coming, and I suppose on some level we did. Kaji's resurrection may have been some final gift from Rei, but Misato never questioned it. She and Kaji didn't take long to resume where they'd left off, and it was only a few months after Asuka's 15th birthday that Misato told us she was moving out, to a place with more room for the family she and Kaji intended to start on.
She was moving herself out so as to disrupt things for us as little as possible, she said. And she'd be close by. Close-ish. Still within Tokyo-3, anyway. Most of the time. Kaji and she were both still in high demand as two of the few people the reformed UN trusted to ferret out any SEELE leftovers, and they traveled a lot. We'd have her phone number, call anytime.
Ok, yes, it was her running away too. I said we got therapy, not that it fully helped. We were all messes, especially after Instrumentality. The rest of the world got off lightly, forgetting most of it. Asuka, Misato, and I were all right there at the eye of the storm, and got all of it. It's easy to look back now and say 'Misato was a barely-functional alcoholic with toxic coping tactics'. She was still one of the only people in my life who had ever tried to care for me. So I give her a pass.
And to be fair, it was partly resentment from both Asuka and I that colored our initial reactions. For me, too much like being dumped at the train station by my father. For Asuka, too much like a validation of her fears that everyone would abandon the 'real her'. We snapped at each other for days. Asuka took over Misato's former room, so I finally got my old one back.
It would be easy to describe us as two broken teenagers too afraid to leave even the meager comfort we had in our little shelter. It would be wrong. We had no real close neighbors. There was still hardly anyone in our building. Misato made sure to screen the Hell out of anyone trying to move in, and kept the cultists, celebrity-chasers, and other nuts away. It was isolation, sure, a little. But it was more privacy than that, and that's what Asuka and I both wanted. We were both still very afraid of other people, really.
But per the directive/urging of our therapists, we did venture out of our comfort zone. Shopping. School. A few low-key public events. A few media interviews a year. I nearly cheered when I saw Asuka do her first solo TV interview in 2017. She said she hated it. Because I wasn't there.
Because we did all the rest together. All of it. Even our half-assed attempts at dating.
Yes, we tried that too. Not each other. Other people. I took Asuka's 'fuck off and die' as a pretty clear instruction to back off, and did. We went to some mixers, tried some blind dates arranged by Hikari and such, things like that. Asuka went on more than I did. She always was better about being able to fake a public persona than I was. But even I had a few. Even some that were more than single dates.
I'm still glad Asuka was my first kiss. None of the others came close.
But anyway, she and I still did most things together. It was... less scary. Call it residual guilt from Instrumentality, fear everyone else in the world would see us as to blame, or whatever. She'd give me annoyed looks and sharp comments a lot, but she always demanded I be there.
I never let myself believe it was her accepting my promise.
Her 16th birthday was more social than the last. It wasn't just Misato, I, and her this time. We'd invited friends we'd made over the year, our friends from school, even the pair Asuka still referred to as 'the Stooges'. We even invited some of Asuka's 'ex-boyfriends', or at least the ones who'd rated more than one date with her. She didn't have anyone serious.
She seemed happy.
Then everyone else went home and it was just us again.
"Thank you, Shinji."
"You're welcome, Asuka. Happy birthday." I'd done the full-course meal again, even better. I assumed she was thanking me for that.
"I still hate you, you know?"
I blinked again. "I'm... sorry? Is this... I mean... I'm sorry about last year. I shouldn't hav-"
"Shut up." She paced back and forth in the living room, picking at the remaining detritus of the party. "You... you are such an idiot. I hate that. You don't get it, do you? I hate you because... this whole year. And yes, your 'promise'. And all the stuff before that. You. I hate you for..." she waved her hands. "All of it. For being... goddammit, Shinji! Why weren't you like this before?! During the war, when I needed you?"
"I'm sor-"
"Don't say it." She stopped pacing, staring at me. "You... you've spent this whole year doing what you said. Supporting me. Backing me up. Doing what I want, when I want, as I need. Even when I'm pretty sure you wanted to do something else, or just hide away and do nothing. Why?"
"Because I promise-"
She locked eyes with me. "No. Stop. Don't give me that. I saw your head, Shinji. I know when you're bullshitting. Try again."
"Because I..." I swallowed and looked away.
"Say it. I want to hear it out loud."
"It's... hard."
"I saw it in Instrumentality! That's why I hate you, Shinji. I saw it, you've said it, it was in your fucking letter, and yet, for the last twelve months, you haven't said it once. Not when I was spending every Friday night out with some guy who wasn't you, not when it was us having dinner alone for the 200th time, not... not once. You said you felt it back then. I know what you felt every time this year. I saw it in your eyes every time I left on a date, every time we said goodnight. You've been a perfect goddamn gentleman, a fucking Nice Guy... I want to know why you haven't said it even once this year.. I get you, Shinji, more than anyone in the world. And I don't get this. So explain!" She was breathing hard. I think she was about to... no. She wasn't going to cry. She didn't do that.
"Because I don't deserve to. I know how much I hurt you with my brilliant 'no attachments' plan, and you were pretty clear when I gave you the letter last year you... I did all this because I'm keeping my promise, like I said I would. No matter... I don't get a reward. I sold myself to save the world, and I got it, and that's it. I promised to make it up to you, even if it took my life, and I will," I said slowly.
"GOTT! You are a fucking idiot!" she growled in frustration. "A self-sacrificing moron! If you'd been willing to say it before, I wouldn't hate you now for not saying it! That's what I hate about you, Shinji! Knowing why you did it, how you felt, how you feel now, and you still won't fucking say it!" She walked right up to me and grabbed my shirt. "So SAY IT! Why are you doing all this?!"
I pinched my eyes shut. "Because I love you and promised I'd never abandon you! There, are you happy no-"
She slammed her lips to mine.
I have no idea how long we stood there. I didn't care about anything else. Twenty, thirty minutes? I have no idea, really.
Eventually, she broke the kiss. She let go of my shirt, and I fell backwards onto my ass. I smacked my head on the floor, seeing stars.
"Such an idiot," she muttered. She turned away and walked into her room, closing the door behind her. But she looked back before she did. And I saw it. It was small, but 100% there.
I laid there for a while. Brain not found, please reboot. After a long while, I got up, finished cleaning, and went to my room.
And that's how Asuka's 16th birthday ended with me laid out flat on the floor, my head hurting, and Asuka going to bed with a faint smile on her face.
Best one yet.
+++
Part three to follow once I've had breakfast.
+++
Things improved over the next year. They kind of had to, since screaming at me and throwing things was kind of a low bar.
In hindsight, the fact that we were still living together probably should have been a hint. But as I mentioned, I'm an idiot. I lived in a perpetual state of low-grade dread that Asuka would just one day up and move out to her own place, a threat she made not infrequently. In retrospect, I should have given more weight to my own desperate mental self-reassurance that Asuka did view us as family of a sort, and family that she liked a lot more than her father and step-mother, so why would she leave?
We'd seen each other's hearts. The idea of Asuka leaving terrified me like nothing else. I should have known the same was true for her.
It was bad enough to lose Misato.
We should have seen it coming, and I suppose on some level we did. Kaji's resurrection may have been some final gift from Rei, but Misato never questioned it. She and Kaji didn't take long to resume where they'd left off, and it was only a few months after Asuka's 15th birthday that Misato told us she was moving out, to a place with more room for the family she and Kaji intended to start on.
She was moving herself out so as to disrupt things for us as little as possible, she said. And she'd be close by. Close-ish. Still within Tokyo-3, anyway. Most of the time. Kaji and she were both still in high demand as two of the few people the reformed UN trusted to ferret out any SEELE leftovers, and they traveled a lot. We'd have her phone number, call anytime.
Ok, yes, it was her running away too. I said we got therapy, not that it fully helped. We were all messes, especially after Instrumentality. The rest of the world got off lightly, forgetting most of it. Asuka, Misato, and I were all right there at the eye of the storm, and got all of it. It's easy to look back now and say 'Misato was a barely-functional alcoholic with toxic coping tactics'. She was still one of the only people in my life who had ever tried to care for me. So I give her a pass.
And to be fair, it was partly resentment from both Asuka and I that colored our initial reactions. For me, too much like being dumped at the train station by my father. For Asuka, too much like a validation of her fears that everyone would abandon the 'real her'. We snapped at each other for days. Asuka took over Misato's former room, so I finally got my old one back.
It would be easy to describe us as two broken teenagers too afraid to leave even the meager comfort we had in our little shelter. It would be wrong. We had no real close neighbors. There was still hardly anyone in our building. Misato made sure to screen the Hell out of anyone trying to move in, and kept the cultists, celebrity-chasers, and other nuts away. It was isolation, sure, a little. But it was more privacy than that, and that's what Asuka and I both wanted. We were both still very afraid of other people, really.
But per the directive/urging of our therapists, we did venture out of our comfort zone. Shopping. School. A few low-key public events. A few media interviews a year. I nearly cheered when I saw Asuka do her first solo TV interview in 2017. She said she hated it. Because I wasn't there.
Because we did all the rest together. All of it. Even our half-assed attempts at dating.
Yes, we tried that too. Not each other. Other people. I took Asuka's 'fuck off and die' as a pretty clear instruction to back off, and did. We went to some mixers, tried some blind dates arranged by Hikari and such, things like that. Asuka went on more than I did. She always was better about being able to fake a public persona than I was. But even I had a few. Even some that were more than single dates.
I'm still glad Asuka was my first kiss. None of the others came close.
But anyway, she and I still did most things together. It was... less scary. Call it residual guilt from Instrumentality, fear everyone else in the world would see us as to blame, or whatever. She'd give me annoyed looks and sharp comments a lot, but she always demanded I be there.
I never let myself believe it was her accepting my promise.
Her 16th birthday was more social than the last. It wasn't just Misato, I, and her this time. We'd invited friends we'd made over the year, our friends from school, even the pair Asuka still referred to as 'the Stooges'. We even invited some of Asuka's 'ex-boyfriends', or at least the ones who'd rated more than one date with her. She didn't have anyone serious.
She seemed happy.
Then everyone else went home and it was just us again.
"Thank you, Shinji."
"You're welcome, Asuka. Happy birthday." I'd done the full-course meal again, even better. I assumed she was thanking me for that.
"I still hate you, you know?"
I blinked again. "I'm... sorry? Is this... I mean... I'm sorry about last year. I shouldn't hav-"
"Shut up." She paced back and forth in the living room, picking at the remaining detritus of the party. "You... you are such an idiot. I hate that. You don't get it, do you? I hate you because... this whole year. And yes, your 'promise'. And all the stuff before that. You. I hate you for..." she waved her hands. "All of it. For being... goddammit, Shinji! Why weren't you like this before?! During the war, when I needed you?"
"I'm sor-"
"Don't say it." She stopped pacing, staring at me. "You... you've spent this whole year doing what you said. Supporting me. Backing me up. Doing what I want, when I want, as I need. Even when I'm pretty sure you wanted to do something else, or just hide away and do nothing. Why?"
"Because I promise-"
She locked eyes with me. "No. Stop. Don't give me that. I saw your head, Shinji. I know when you're bullshitting. Try again."
"Because I..." I swallowed and looked away.
"Say it. I want to hear it out loud."
"It's... hard."
"I saw it in Instrumentality! That's why I hate you, Shinji. I saw it, you've said it, it was in your fucking letter, and yet, for the last twelve months, you haven't said it once. Not when I was spending every Friday night out with some guy who wasn't you, not when it was us having dinner alone for the 200th time, not... not once. You said you felt it back then. I know what you felt every time this year. I saw it in your eyes every time I left on a date, every time we said goodnight. You've been a perfect goddamn gentleman, a fucking Nice Guy... I want to know why you haven't said it even once this year.. I get you, Shinji, more than anyone in the world. And I don't get this. So explain!" She was breathing hard. I think she was about to... no. She wasn't going to cry. She didn't do that.
"Because I don't deserve to. I know how much I hurt you with my brilliant 'no attachments' plan, and you were pretty clear when I gave you the letter last year you... I did all this because I'm keeping my promise, like I said I would. No matter... I don't get a reward. I sold myself to save the world, and I got it, and that's it. I promised to make it up to you, even if it took my life, and I will," I said slowly.
"GOTT! You are a fucking idiot!" she growled in frustration. "A self-sacrificing moron! If you'd been willing to say it before, I wouldn't hate you now for not saying it! That's what I hate about you, Shinji! Knowing why you did it, how you felt, how you feel now, and you still won't fucking say it!" She walked right up to me and grabbed my shirt. "So SAY IT! Why are you doing all this?!"
I pinched my eyes shut. "Because I love you and promised I'd never abandon you! There, are you happy no-"
She slammed her lips to mine.
I have no idea how long we stood there. I didn't care about anything else. Twenty, thirty minutes? I have no idea, really.
Eventually, she broke the kiss. She let go of my shirt, and I fell backwards onto my ass. I smacked my head on the floor, seeing stars.
"Such an idiot," she muttered. She turned away and walked into her room, closing the door behind her. But she looked back before she did. And I saw it. It was small, but 100% there.
I laid there for a while. Brain not found, please reboot. After a long while, I got up, finished cleaning, and went to my room.
And that's how Asuka's 16th birthday ended with me laid out flat on the floor, my head hurting, and Asuka going to bed with a faint smile on her face.
Best one yet.
+++
Part three to follow once I've had breakfast.
Raiseth
I Find Your Lack of Memes Disturbing
- Location
- Russia
How the hell did I miss this?
How?!
Haha, Strypgia, really?
Not that I'm arguing.
Alright, I had time to read only one, so I chose Backstab, uh, I meant Backstage. ( stupid autocorrect, stop revealing my plans! )
Ahem.
Awesome.
Now, I've gotta go, but I promise I'll return and properly gush all over your Christmas omakes. Yours too, Gryphon.
Ciao.
- Location
- Voidbetweenstars
It could be worse.
dea..
ok not dead.
As people should try to do.
And is clearly moving up in the world.
Wisdom, if she didn't mean it she will come back in a ah less violent manner.
I don't know if this is the trauma speaking... Eh who am I kidding of course its the trauma.
All the hugs.
- Location
- Canada
Shinji: "They said I had to be crazy to love her, but I guess a concussion works just as well!"
These sentences take on a slightly different meaning when you've just been spending time on /r/HFY, where "pancakes" is a codeword for sexytimes...
ltmauve
"Excuse me?"
- Location
- Earth
- Pronouns
- She/Her
Has Stryp been spending time there? You wouldn't think it, by his writings, so it's probably just a coincidence.
Also, I am curious about why "pancakes" as a euphemism, but on further reflection I don't want to know.
It's actually pretty innocuous.
The very first NSFW story posted to the sub was titled "Pancakes". Alien woman and human man have intense, if vanilla, sex; she wakes up the next morning, can't find him, goes downstairs, and he's in the kitchen making pancakes. End of story.
- Location
- National Capital Region, USA
It's a reference to @Alex's story: Pancakes and Penguins
Raiseth
I Find Your Lack of Memes Disturbing
- Location
- Russia
I was promised Christmas Waff. I've yet to see any Waff not colored in red tinges of hurt and betrayal. How long do we have to hold your beer again, Strypgia?
... Alright, it was good. Nice, beatiful, comforting and other Waffy adjectives.
But must Shinji and Asuka suffer while at it? Yes? Okay.
Waiting for the third part. Let's hope this trilogy will not be like Half-Life.
... Alright, it was good. Nice, beatiful, comforting and other Waffy adjectives.
But must Shinji and Asuka suffer while at it? Yes? Okay.
Waiting for the third part. Let's hope this trilogy will not be like Half-Life.
- Location
- Canada
Aww. Thanks for the shout out. Will try to put out my own Christmas story for Pancakes when I can. Hope people will enjoy! Tis the season for waff!
- Location
- Spain
Yeah... Not gonna say what the Word of Gryph is on that.
Btw, couple of pretty great pieces, Stryp. They manage to say a lot in very few words, which I should learn how to properly do one of these days. Looking forward to the third.
- Location
- Edinburgh
That second part, the ending... so beautiful *sniff*, really looking forward to the third part. i really like what you've done with it taking place over the course of a couple of years and showing the gradual development in their characters and relationship.
- Location
- Virgina, USA
I am not sure why these last bits have sparked off this thought but I do like the thought. This thought being a Shinji that is in some ways very much his father's son. Who has ruthlessness, arrogance and intelligence inside of him to look at NERV and know there must be plots and sides inside of it beyond his father and to know that his place as a pilot inside of NERV is not without power. A Shinji that if he is going to take action wants the full measure of responsibility to rest with him and not just be the final cog in giant machine that crushing a life. And so a piece seeks to become more than just a piece and have agency and to see what the game in tales and the goals of players involved. So the struggle starts to become more about resisting darker impulses that he could get away with and to see people as more than things to manipulate. Anyway just a thought that seemed interesting enough to share even if I can't really say how this thread got me there.
Schpoonman
They call me the Bord of Lays
- Location
- United States
You know how we all read their backstage lines in their EvAbridged voices? Well, I read this one in Milhouse's, before he clears his throat and is back to shouting.
- Location
- National Capital Region, USA
No idea, dude. I didn't even change their names or backgrounds, just removed Kyuubey from the equation.
I didn't promise Christmas WAFF. I said 'Asuka's Birthday WAFF'.
Christmas comes later.
And they must suffer because This. Is. Eva.
I think I did pretty good last night. That was about 5k words of off-the-cuff Evafic. I did intend to write Birthday Candles 3 in the morning after I had breakfast, but sleep snuck up and hammered me over the head with a surprise attack. Let's resume...
Writing underway.
- Location
- Spain
No idea, dude. I didn't even change their names or backgrounds, just removed Kyuubey from the equation.
I didn't promise Christmas WAFF. I said 'Asuka's Birthday WAFF'.
Christmas comes later.
And they must suffer because This. Is. Eva.
I think I did pretty good last night. That was about 5k words of off-the-cuff Evafic. I did intend to write Birthday Candles 3 in the morning after I had breakfast, but sleep snuck up and hammered me over the head with a surprise attack. Let's resume...
Writing underway.
5k words in one sitting, and good ones, at that. Valuation stays at 'Pretty Good'.
Yeah... I think you're selling yourself just a bit short, there.
grommile
nasty-minded old cynic
- Location
- NERV-Mercia
- Pronouns
- Traditional/Animate
When Evangelion is involved, I'm inclined to say that waff without suffering is kind of saccharine.
FlyingScanian
Tea Addict
- Location
- Land of Eternal Night
- Pronouns
- He/Him
You did very good, Stryp
Agreed. Are you sure you aren't a brit, stryp?5k words in one sitting, and good ones, at that. Valuation stays at 'Pretty Good'.
Yeah... I think you're selling yourself just a bit short, there.