Always Late
Lacking in coffee, sleep, and brains
- Location
- Ohio
... Beastmen working with Skaven was not what I anticipated, but hey. It is April Fools.
And someone's gotta give Malagor big speakers anyways.
Warhammer Fantasy: A Dynasty of Dynamic Alcoholism
- Thread starter torroar
- Start date
- Mature
-
- Tags
- warhammer warhammer fantasy fantasy intrigue happens male protagonist ck2 quest belief stronk count of cannons drunken wisdom foes in the shadows graf of guns (guns) if you have a question check the front page first it begins... mountain vietnam ogres paranoia rising unseen enemies everywhere use the search function before asking waifu wars wake the bull
And someone's gotta give Malagor big speakers anyways.
DocMatoi
Theoretical Lover of Girls
- Location
- within 2 hours of the White House
- Pronouns
- They/Them
Thank you. You will regret giving me this.
Here you go!
- Location
- Texas
"Screech is better-best audio technician ever-then, yes-yes!
Well, this is clearly a Challenge to an Epic Rap Battle of History. Anyone up for writing a Response to good ol' Malagor?
Night_stalker
Slava Ukraini!
- Pronouns
- He/Him
Thors_Alumni
Proud member of Thors Class VII from Liberl
- Location
- Liberl Zemuria.
yawns while bored and not even looking up from a book. "Hmm? you say something Malagor or whatever your name is?" Shrugs "Meh probably wasn't important." Walks away without looking back or with a care in the world.
My original plan was to try and do something more like a weird Fate Stay thing? But it didn't really pan out and so here is this instead. It's not, like, great, or anything, but it's just a little bit of hopefully amusing/entertaining enough stuff while I'm doing other things. Hope ya'll are well and remain that way.
- Pronouns
- He
Ganurath
Literal Enthusiast
- Location
- A Valid Location
- Pronouns
- He/Him
Massgamer
Advance toward the Future
- Location
- The Future
It was fun, no worries man. Things can be fun and silly after all.
I appreciate your compliment, thank you. I hope to see you after you've reached the current era
I... What?
Edit:
From reading the April fools day post
Edit:
From reading the April fools day post
Last edited:
Ganurath
Literal Enthusiast
- Location
- A Valid Location
- Pronouns
- He/Him
Is this about the snip that the author posted on April Fools' Day?
- Location
- yorkshire
ahhh Lovely Laurloren what madness comes from a simple diplomatic action
Thors_Alumni
Proud member of Thors Class VII from Liberl
- Location
- Liberl Zemuria.
[CANON] Wonders of the Ivory Road - iggyfan
iggyfan
Verified Man-Thing
- Location
- Kentucky
Now that the forum is back I figure it's a good time to post this.
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Excerpts from the journal of Gerlach Wenzel, a major investor in a caravan heading to the Far East.
…
Sigmarzeit 12th 2335 – At last, after our journey though the Taal forsaken Dark lands we have arrived at the River Ruin and never have I seen a river that so thoroughly earned its name. Half its surface is covered in a brown oily film, with black oily slicks inches thick making up the other half. There simply are no living fish to be found here, but dead ones the ogres we hired at the Sentinels to guard the caravan say are found in the Mountains of Mourn litter the riverbank, which said ogres disturbingly refused to eat. The crossing at the Giant's Rocks was treacherous for something said to be the safest ford of the river, with the caravan having to trudge through two feet of water and three inches of sludge. After that we entered the Valley of Horns flanked on both sides by mountains. And the mountains! Massive things they are, though not as large as those in the World's Edge.
We paid our first toll to the Tyrant of this section of the Ivory Road, Drak Bloodpunch Rhinoxsmasher Deathcheater Goldtooth, and what a toll he demanded. A hundred pounds of gold, three hundred pounds of silver, twenty-seven cut gems, eight hundred pounds of hard cheese, one and a half tons of bacon and salt pork, two thousand one hundred pounds of maslin flour, two hundred pounds of honey, three hundred bolts of roughspun, mostly blues, reds and browns as the ogres prefer them, one hundred bolts of perpetuana of the aforementioned colors, ten bolts of cloth of gold, a ton of bar iron, half a ton each of worked and unworked pewter, bronze, brass, and copper, forty barrels of salted fish, twenty barrels of dwarfen ale, thirty barrels of wine, and thirty barrels of gunpowder. I can only hope that the profits at the end of our journey will be with the price of such tolls.
Sigmarzeit 22nd 2335 – We are being followed. Thankfully not by anything dangerous. Just a few hundred feet behind our caravan a second has formed of scrap and gnoblars, those strange grey-green colored goblins with the ridiculously oversized noses. Occasionally the bravest of them approach our caravan, seeking to steal merchandise and do Gods know what else. When I approached one of the ogres to inquire if something could be done about them, he looked at me with the resignation of a ratcatcher who had spent his whole life killing vermin and replied that even if we killed or drove off this scrap caravan another would be behind us in short order. The creatures will apparently be following us until we enter the Warpstone Desert.
Sigmarzeit 31st 2335 – The caravan's journey along the Ivory Road continues and the Valley of Horns is aptly named. The stone skeletons of gigantic primordial beasts line the walls of the valley, with great tusks forming vast arches overhead. One day we passed under the ribcage of some titanic monster for more than half a mile. I can scarcely imagine how such a creature lived, let alone how it died.
Sommerzeit 21st 2335 The caravan was attacked in the night by half a dozen, well, I don't know what to call them. They were over ten feet tall, their emaciated forms covered in filth and lean muscle, having seemingly pushed bones through their skin in the same fashion as some of the ogres I have seen do with blades. They fought extremely fiercely biting with mouths full of disgusting teeth and slashing about with their claws. I saw one of them bite Willibert's head clean off! The clearly unnatural creatures refused to retreat despite receiving heavy injuries and though we suffered losses we were able to slay all of them though we lost fifty men doing so.
The ogres call the creatures gorgers which I suppose is better than calling them misshapen freaks. Allegedly they are ogre whelps who, born without a paunch, were tossed into the one of the cave systems that are common in the Mountains of Mourn and somehow mutated into what they are today. Lacking easily available food in the caves they have an all-consuming hunger for flesh (even more so than ordinary Mourn ogres) and will attempt to devour any living creature they come across, heedless of their own survival.
Vorgeheim 29th 2335 – We were able to barter with the Tusk Chopper tribe today. We purchased great shaggy hides of rhinoxen and ice elk, sabretusk pelts that will fetch a fine price in back home, the hide of a thundertusk, as thicker than armor plates, only somewhat more flexible and nearly as tough, valuable to artificers, bezoars valued by the wealthy for their ability to neutralize poisoned drinks and several baroque pearls, with the largest being the size of a hen's egg, which are sure to fetch high prices either in Cathay or back in the Old World. Most profitably we were able to obtain ivory at an extraordinarily cheap price of about one pound of ivory per twelve pounds of food. In Marienburg the normal price that ivory goes for is 2gc 10p per pound and that was with access to elephant ivory from Ind, tusker ivory from the Plain of Tuskers and mammoth and walrus ivory from Norsca. In exchange we gave them flour, cheeses, salt, salt pork, salted fish vinegar, ostka, thunderwater, wine, dwarfen ale, cloth, unworked metal, hardtack, and tobacco. When I inquired about their smoking habits, I learned that they do not smoke and instead use the tobacco in much the same way men would use dried thyme or rosemary. I never heard of or imagined that anyone would use tobacco as an herb instead of smoking it, but it seems that the ogres will find a culinary use for almost anything. One ogre attempted to sell us the ragged large white pelt of some matter of ogre sized humanoid, claiming it was magical, and would allow one to move through the roughest terrain as if it were open ground and would make the wearer more difficult to hit in combat, but we refused to pay the absurd price he demanded (over six tons of bacon!) for an allegedly magical ragged piece of fur that likely has no actual value.
When the Tusk Choppers learned that Heinrich was from Ostland theyasked for demanded information on what they call the Greatbellow Tribe of Ostland. They wanted to know the typical things, why they would anger the Great Maw by acting against its priests, why they, especially Urgdug Greatbellow, would follow the orders of puny humans, why they refuse to engage in cannibalism and so on and so forth. For all that I am thankful for our guards fighting prowess I am constantly reminded that the Mourn ogres are violent savages.
Nachgeheim 13th 2335 – We came across the remains of a caravan today. The wreckage and corpses stretch along the road for nearly three miles. It must have been destroyed recently as there is still plenty of scrap lying around as well as corpses that haven't quite been picked clean yet. When I asked the ogres for their opinion on what had done this, they stated that the most probable candidates were either a tribe whose toll they were unable to pay, or a tribe that had recently moved into the area and decided not to charge tolls in favor of raiding passing caravans. After picking over the remains of the caravan we were able to find a few goods that would sell for tidy sum back in the Old World or in Cathay, likely objects the ogres foolishly deemed to have no value and the gnoblars somehow missed.
Erntezeit 24th 2335 – We have left the Mountains of Mourn proper and have entered the Ancient Giant Lands. The mountains here are as tall, if not taller, than any in the World's Edge, their peaks disappearing into the clouds. As we pass by the colossal ruins that litter the landscape I cannot help but wonder who built them and how. The ogres claim they were built by the Skytitans whose descendants are the giants of the world, but I find that such an explanation strains credulity. Giants are stupid drunken louts with all the dexterity and craftsmanship of an inebriated zombie. Even if they had the skill to create such architecture, some of the blocks are too large for even a bonegrinder to lift.
Along the upper (visible) slopes I managed to observe several strange creatures with my spyglass. The size of an ogre with skin or fur as white as freshly fallen snow. It must have been from one of these creatures that one of the Tusk Choppers obtained the "magical" pelt. They were chasing an ice elk which they killed by beating it to death with primitive clubs covered in some matter of ice. When I asked the ogres about the creatures, they said that they were called yhetees. These yhetees are found above the tree line throughout the Mountains of Mourn but are most commonly found in the Ancient Giant Lands. They exude an aura of cold around them and commonly aid the ogre tribes in battle when called upon. As for their origins, the ogres claim that they were ogres which mutated atop the peaks of the Ancient Giant Lands in the aftermath of the so called 'Big Migration'.
HANDRICH DAMN IT, THE PELT REALLY WAS MAGICAL! WHY DIDN'T THE OGRES WE HIRED MENTION THAT EARLIER?! WE COULD HAVE SOLD FOR TEN TIMES ITS WEIGHT IN GOLD TO SOME RICH NOBLE BACK HOME! DAMN IT, DAMN IT DAMN IT!
…
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Wonders of the Ivory Road
Excerpts from the journal of Gerlach Wenzel, a major investor in a caravan heading to the Far East.
…
Sigmarzeit 12th 2335 – At last, after our journey though the Taal forsaken Dark lands we have arrived at the River Ruin and never have I seen a river that so thoroughly earned its name. Half its surface is covered in a brown oily film, with black oily slicks inches thick making up the other half. There simply are no living fish to be found here, but dead ones the ogres we hired at the Sentinels to guard the caravan say are found in the Mountains of Mourn litter the riverbank, which said ogres disturbingly refused to eat. The crossing at the Giant's Rocks was treacherous for something said to be the safest ford of the river, with the caravan having to trudge through two feet of water and three inches of sludge. After that we entered the Valley of Horns flanked on both sides by mountains. And the mountains! Massive things they are, though not as large as those in the World's Edge.
We paid our first toll to the Tyrant of this section of the Ivory Road, Drak Bloodpunch Rhinoxsmasher Deathcheater Goldtooth, and what a toll he demanded. A hundred pounds of gold, three hundred pounds of silver, twenty-seven cut gems, eight hundred pounds of hard cheese, one and a half tons of bacon and salt pork, two thousand one hundred pounds of maslin flour, two hundred pounds of honey, three hundred bolts of roughspun, mostly blues, reds and browns as the ogres prefer them, one hundred bolts of perpetuana of the aforementioned colors, ten bolts of cloth of gold, a ton of bar iron, half a ton each of worked and unworked pewter, bronze, brass, and copper, forty barrels of salted fish, twenty barrels of dwarfen ale, thirty barrels of wine, and thirty barrels of gunpowder. I can only hope that the profits at the end of our journey will be with the price of such tolls.
Sigmarzeit 22nd 2335 – We are being followed. Thankfully not by anything dangerous. Just a few hundred feet behind our caravan a second has formed of scrap and gnoblars, those strange grey-green colored goblins with the ridiculously oversized noses. Occasionally the bravest of them approach our caravan, seeking to steal merchandise and do Gods know what else. When I approached one of the ogres to inquire if something could be done about them, he looked at me with the resignation of a ratcatcher who had spent his whole life killing vermin and replied that even if we killed or drove off this scrap caravan another would be behind us in short order. The creatures will apparently be following us until we enter the Warpstone Desert.
Sigmarzeit 31st 2335 – The caravan's journey along the Ivory Road continues and the Valley of Horns is aptly named. The stone skeletons of gigantic primordial beasts line the walls of the valley, with great tusks forming vast arches overhead. One day we passed under the ribcage of some titanic monster for more than half a mile. I can scarcely imagine how such a creature lived, let alone how it died.
Sommerzeit 21st 2335 The caravan was attacked in the night by half a dozen, well, I don't know what to call them. They were over ten feet tall, their emaciated forms covered in filth and lean muscle, having seemingly pushed bones through their skin in the same fashion as some of the ogres I have seen do with blades. They fought extremely fiercely biting with mouths full of disgusting teeth and slashing about with their claws. I saw one of them bite Willibert's head clean off! The clearly unnatural creatures refused to retreat despite receiving heavy injuries and though we suffered losses we were able to slay all of them though we lost fifty men doing so.
The ogres call the creatures gorgers which I suppose is better than calling them misshapen freaks. Allegedly they are ogre whelps who, born without a paunch, were tossed into the one of the cave systems that are common in the Mountains of Mourn and somehow mutated into what they are today. Lacking easily available food in the caves they have an all-consuming hunger for flesh (even more so than ordinary Mourn ogres) and will attempt to devour any living creature they come across, heedless of their own survival.
Vorgeheim 29th 2335 – We were able to barter with the Tusk Chopper tribe today. We purchased great shaggy hides of rhinoxen and ice elk, sabretusk pelts that will fetch a fine price in back home, the hide of a thundertusk, as thicker than armor plates, only somewhat more flexible and nearly as tough, valuable to artificers, bezoars valued by the wealthy for their ability to neutralize poisoned drinks and several baroque pearls, with the largest being the size of a hen's egg, which are sure to fetch high prices either in Cathay or back in the Old World. Most profitably we were able to obtain ivory at an extraordinarily cheap price of about one pound of ivory per twelve pounds of food. In Marienburg the normal price that ivory goes for is 2gc 10p per pound and that was with access to elephant ivory from Ind, tusker ivory from the Plain of Tuskers and mammoth and walrus ivory from Norsca. In exchange we gave them flour, cheeses, salt, salt pork, salted fish vinegar, ostka, thunderwater, wine, dwarfen ale, cloth, unworked metal, hardtack, and tobacco. When I inquired about their smoking habits, I learned that they do not smoke and instead use the tobacco in much the same way men would use dried thyme or rosemary. I never heard of or imagined that anyone would use tobacco as an herb instead of smoking it, but it seems that the ogres will find a culinary use for almost anything. One ogre attempted to sell us the ragged large white pelt of some matter of ogre sized humanoid, claiming it was magical, and would allow one to move through the roughest terrain as if it were open ground and would make the wearer more difficult to hit in combat, but we refused to pay the absurd price he demanded (over six tons of bacon!) for an allegedly magical ragged piece of fur that likely has no actual value.
When the Tusk Choppers learned that Heinrich was from Ostland they
Nachgeheim 13th 2335 – We came across the remains of a caravan today. The wreckage and corpses stretch along the road for nearly three miles. It must have been destroyed recently as there is still plenty of scrap lying around as well as corpses that haven't quite been picked clean yet. When I asked the ogres for their opinion on what had done this, they stated that the most probable candidates were either a tribe whose toll they were unable to pay, or a tribe that had recently moved into the area and decided not to charge tolls in favor of raiding passing caravans. After picking over the remains of the caravan we were able to find a few goods that would sell for tidy sum back in the Old World or in Cathay, likely objects the ogres foolishly deemed to have no value and the gnoblars somehow missed.
Erntezeit 24th 2335 – We have left the Mountains of Mourn proper and have entered the Ancient Giant Lands. The mountains here are as tall, if not taller, than any in the World's Edge, their peaks disappearing into the clouds. As we pass by the colossal ruins that litter the landscape I cannot help but wonder who built them and how. The ogres claim they were built by the Skytitans whose descendants are the giants of the world, but I find that such an explanation strains credulity. Giants are stupid drunken louts with all the dexterity and craftsmanship of an inebriated zombie. Even if they had the skill to create such architecture, some of the blocks are too large for even a bonegrinder to lift.
Along the upper (visible) slopes I managed to observe several strange creatures with my spyglass. The size of an ogre with skin or fur as white as freshly fallen snow. It must have been from one of these creatures that one of the Tusk Choppers obtained the "magical" pelt. They were chasing an ice elk which they killed by beating it to death with primitive clubs covered in some matter of ice. When I asked the ogres about the creatures, they said that they were called yhetees. These yhetees are found above the tree line throughout the Mountains of Mourn but are most commonly found in the Ancient Giant Lands. They exude an aura of cold around them and commonly aid the ogre tribes in battle when called upon. As for their origins, the ogres claim that they were ogres which mutated atop the peaks of the Ancient Giant Lands in the aftermath of the so called 'Big Migration'.
HANDRICH DAMN IT, THE PELT REALLY WAS MAGICAL! WHY DIDN'T THE OGRES WE HIRED MENTION THAT EARLIER?! WE COULD HAVE SOLD FOR TEN TIMES ITS WEIGHT IN GOLD TO SOME RICH NOBLE BACK HOME! DAMN IT, DAMN IT DAMN IT!
…
Last edited:
NCRTrooper
Wishing For A Nuclear Winter
- Location
- New York
- Pronouns
- He/Him
Good to be back. The outage reminded me of how dependent I was on this quest and SV in general for my entertainment.
We have returned! Even the worst Schemes of the Dark Gods could not keep this Site and Quest down forever!
To new Times filled with Glory, Adventures, Excitement, Drama and sweet, sweet Alcohol!
To new Times filled with Glory, Adventures, Excitement, Drama and sweet, sweet Alcohol!
Thank Sigmar it's back. I never knew how dependent I was on this quest until I thought I might've lost it.
