Little Ritsuka and her Loving Family (Fate/Grand Order)

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RBomber said:
Caster: Alter Marie.

"All the plebeian shall worship ME! ME!! ME!!! Ohohohohohoho~"

"...I DIDN'T SOUND LIKE THAT! ...Did I?"
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She'd look like a darker version of Marie, with a bloody wound on her neck.
As if someone just plopped her decapitated head on it.

Oh, and she has a weaponized guillotine and cake box.

Chen said:
Man reading this makes me look back at France in amusement. Marie was a true homie to the team. This is also making me think of the potential interactions when Illya and Kuro come along, does Gudako refer to them as big sister? And if so how will they react?
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Ritsuka would be happy to have more friends closer(?) to her age.

EMIYA on the other hand...
 
meganeshounen said:
She'd look like a darker version of Marie, with a bloody wound on her neck.
As if someone just plopped her decapitated head on it.

Oh, and she has a weaponized guillotine and cake box.
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One of her skill would hog all the Stars. All Of Them.

Another would drain her allies NP gauge fpr her own, with paltry buff as exchange.

God Save Us From The Queen indeed. :V
 
RBomber said:
One of her skill would hog all the Stars. All Of Them.

Another would drain her allies NP gauge fpr her own, with paltry buff as exchange.

God Save Us From The Queen indeed. :V
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It's something of a shame that there aren't other queens like Isabel I of Castille, Mary of the Scots, Elizabeth I, Catherine de Medici or Catherine the Great who do have some fame of being proactive.
 
On the subject of characters Ritsuka's age, will Jackie refer to Ritsuka as mother, or will she have the sense to instantly recognize the real mother of the group... EMIYA.

This brings to mind an image of F/GO where Shirou is a master alongside any version of Ritsuka who mentioned the 'talky mom' line.

"Assassin - Jack the Ripper. Please take care of me, Mommy."
"See! SEE! Even servants can see it!"
"Alright, alright! Just let it go!"
 
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Chen said:
Man reading this makes me look back at France in amusement. Marie was a true homie to the team. This is also making me think of the potential interactions when Illya and Kuro come along, does Gudako refer to them as big sister? And if so how will they react?
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Prisma Illya would absolutely love being called onee-chan.
 
Orumon27 said:
That reminded me of an ABBA song from the 70s.
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The correct spelling was Mamma Mia, which roughly means "My Mother".



It also had spawned a musical and a movie. (That one with Meryl Streep and Pierce Brosnan)

DTIsBest said:
Prisma Illya would absolutely love being called onee-chan.
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meganeshounen said:
Just keep any and all meido outfits hidden and we'll be fine.
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Or just put Berserker in Maid Costume. I mean, one way or another, either her Hercules-related phobia gone or her meido condition would calmed down. :V

He served a princess for 3 years as maid, he would be fine.
 
Ooh, idea ~~If Auntie Illya was still around when Rin drops Da Squadtm​ through Kaleidoscope~~: Prisma Illya Event!Illya is Ritsuka's Illya, who ended up as a magical girl for some reason.
 
Alright, this has been pretty much straight up adorable. I did find a few errors in the last chapter though, and I haven't taken time to proofread anything prior to that, so they're probably good... maybe? Eh, this is what I got.

kamenhero25 said:
Jeanne Alter visibly fought down another wave of giggles. "Why? You actually have to ask me why? Did you intelligence get lowered as a Servant or something? I think it would be obvious. Revenge. Revenge on France for betraying me." She shook her head. "But I guess that I need to kill you now too." Her grin grew wider. "I'm going to enjoy killing me idiot self. Lancer, Assassin…" She was cut off as a glowing blue arrow tore through the air. She barely managed to move fast enough to avoid having her eye taken out.
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you -> your
me -> my

kamenhero25 said:
"Kill them all!" Jeanne Alter snapped, falling back behind her Servants as the four closed in and the dragons roared. There was a moment of total silence. Then everything started moving at once. Cu and the black Lancer collided with a clash of metal on metal, their spears locking between their bodies for just a moment before they separated again. The blue Saber lunged forward, only to be met by Arturia's blade, their swords moving in patterns too fast for anyone other than a Servant to see as they lunged back and forth. The red Assassin waved a hand, calling spiked chains into existence around her, but they were swatted aside as Sasaki stepped forward, his blade moving in perfectly controlled motions to bat the spearing chains away before they could hit anyone. The white robed Rider raised her staff and leaped forward, only to be met by the staff of CasCu. Fire exploded off of Cu's staff while golden light blasted back off of Rider's. The swirl of energy consumed both of them for a moment, scorching the grass at their feet and hiding them from view as they clash.
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clash-> clashed
you were using past tense in general throughout the chapter (and the sentence), so suddenly swapping to present tense is pretty awkward.

Also, just a suggestion, but you may want to break that paragraph up into two or so. It's really up to you, though

kamenhero25 said:
EMIYA just clicks his tongue and opens fire, magical arrows blasting through wings, claws, and any vulnerable spot he can find as the dragons swarm them. Rin's energy blasts fire almost nonstop, hammering the beasts whenever they swoop around to draw close. And Jeanne herself charged forward, her standard batting aside wyverns and blasts of fire as she tried to close the gap on her dark counterpart.
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clicks -> clicked
opens -> opened
can -> could
swarm -> swarmed
fire -> fired
swoop -> swooped
The above selected words were due noted as errors due to the sudden swap mid-chapter/paragraph to present tense. Every time someone does that, an angel loses it's wings. Eye can't handle that.

kamenhero25 said:
"How the heck…" Cu grunted as the other Lancer presses him back, his feet tearing divots out of the dirt beneath him as he was forced back. "Are you this strong?"
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presses -> pressed
also, I think there needs to be a 'was' in that second to last sentence there - it seemed like the word that was missing.
 
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Calibash said:
The above selected words were due noted as errors due to the sudden swap mid-chapter/paragraph to present tense.
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I know I fucking fixed that in editing. I went back specifically to check that it was fixed in editing when I noticed I did that because I hate it too. It was even correct in the AO3 version without needing to change it. Maybe I didn't save my draft properly or something...
 
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kamenhero25 said:
"You who were the saint of my dreams… I want to understand how someone like you could simply take your anger out on all of these innocent people! For someone who loved France so much to throw such a painful temper tantrum… And with your other self here, I think that I can understand you. That's why I will claim your heart! No, I'll claim both of you!"
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So Marie wants Joan (Jalter) and Jeanne. I am now going to ship this. And does this make Jalter Lily Marie's daughter? Because I don't think Marie is into loli.
 
SnoogenZ said:
So Marie wants Joan (Jalter) and Jeanne. I am now going to ship this. And does this make Jalter Lily Marie's daughter? Because I don't think Marie is into loli.
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I'm kind of surprised that Jeanne/Marie don't get more pairings honestly. A significant portion of Marie's dialogue here is paraphrased from Grand Order. I didn't even have to make up the massive yuri subtext. That was already in there for me.
 
SnoogenZ said:
So Marie wants Joan (Jalter) and Jeanne. I am now going to ship this. And does this make Jalter Lily Marie's daughter? Because I don't think Marie is into loli.
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kamenhero25 said:
I'm kind of surprised that Jeanne/Marie don't get more pairings honestly. A significant portion of Marie's dialogue here is paraphrased from Grand Order. I didn't even have to make up the massive yuri subtext. That was already in there for me.
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Maybe that's because Jeanne already spoken for. And Marie was, sadly, lacking popularity power, even considering that... Rl' yeh worthy abomination nobody likes which is kinda unfair, but stupid compressed adaption was stupid compressed adaptation.

:V:V:V:whistle::whistle::whistle:

Also, Chibi Jeanne was pretty much everyone's daughteru, so no surprise there.
 
kamenhero25 said:
I'm kind of surprised that Jeanne/Marie don't get more pairings honestly. A significant portion of Marie's dialogue here is paraphrased from Grand Order. I didn't even have to make up the massive yuri subtext. That was already in there for me.
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I think it got overshadowed by Marie's Pretty Boy Harem and D'arc sister shenanigans
Clearly, the best way to rectify this is by combining the two, and having Marie's-Pretty-Boy-and-Holy-Sister-Harem-Shenanigans™
 
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