The Newlywed Game
If Bruce could describe his life in a few words, it would be surreal normalcy. Here he was just 20 years old, driving home from work off the set of America's number one show, and driving home to his spacious mansion in Beverly Hills. He had a net worth greater than 99.9% of Americans, produced and starred in one of the highest grossing films in history, and was the co-owner of a firebrand film studio. You'd have to take a thousand ordinary men his age to come to a fraction of his accomplishments, and Bruce was only getting started in his long career in Hollywood. All of this and when he was asked what he wanted to do with his life in the 5th grade, he earnestly replied that he wanted to help run the family bar.
If Bruce had to pick one aspect of this surreal normalcy that he would never trade for anything...
"Welcome home my wonderful husband!" Happily exclaimed Carrie O'Brian as Bruce opened the door, with her running towards Bruce and greeting him with a leaping hug and peck on the check, a show of love that Bruce would then return twofold.
He would never trade his youthful marriage where everyday was a joyous adventure as him and Carrie discovered many experiences of the newlywed life that caused the two of them to fall in love again.
With Carrie lacking in long-term commitments for the moment, she stayed at home for most days and worked on writing and music, happily adopting the role of the housewife with one of her many self-imposed duties to greet Bruce every day he returned from work with a great hug and kiss, an experience that he deeply treasured every day.
Setting his wife down, Bruce adopted a wide and excited smile at the reminder of his talk with Lucille Ball before he left the set.
"Hey Carrie listen, so Lucy approached me after we were done filming, and she gave an offer for the both of us."
"I'm going to be guest starring on MASH?!" Carrie shouted in joy, jumping up and down in excitement.
"No, not that I'm aware of unfortunately." Bruce informed, bringing Carrie's mood down with a slight pout.
"Well that's a bummer, I was hoping Radar would finally get a love interest, maybe play the role of beautiful and shy nurse that transferred with the two of them falling in love at first sight." Carrie said sensually.
Blushing at the mental image of Carrie in a nurse's uniform and remembering her last time "Nursing" him to health, Bruce shook his head and pressed forward. "No it's not MASH unfortunately, it's actually a game show."
"A game show? We're going to have to compete against each other in some celebrity showdown?" Carrie questioned.
"No we're competing
with each other, in The Newlywed Game." Bruce informed, Carrie adopting a giddy smile at the news.
One of the most popular shows in America, The Newlywed Game as described by the title was a show where four newlywed couples competed for a prize through six questions, divided into three where the husband would have to guess the wife's response and vice versa, along with a bonus question. It was famous and well loved for the high comedy through the couple's answers and their arguments, with many a question revolving around sexual innuendo.
In previous years, Bruce had watched the show in passing, mostly with his parents, but while he was recovering from his mugging shooting, he watched dozens of reruns in the hospital and at home and it became one of his favorite shows, with him later hooking Carrie and it becoming one of the couple's favorites thanks to their marriage mania.
"Really? I didn't think that they had celebrity contestants, I don't even know of anyone prominent from Hollywood who just got married like us." Carrie said as Bruce moved to the kitchen for a glass of water.
"I'm pretty sure we're going to be the only famous couple for the episode and the other three are going to be regular people. From what Lucy said, Chuck Barris reached out to her and sought to pass the message along to me. He wants us to come along one of the last episodes of the show as contestants, no auditions required. I'm pretty sure it's meant to be a ratings gimmick to draw in viewers, maybe help build the case for a new season or be used as leverage for another show." Bruce explained after he had a drink.
Unfortunately the show was announced to be entering its last season a few months prior and thus Bruce and Carrie if they accepted would be one of the last couples to play with the final episode to be released on Christmas week.
Carrie nodded her head in understanding, "Yeah we'll probably make it the highest viewed episode with how that gossip crap flies off the shelves with a single page on us." Although the young couple certainly made no efforts to shy away from the official spotlight with a number of interviews in print and on TV leading up to and after their marriage in an attempt to ward off the paparazzi by making everyone intimate with the O'Brian story along with plenty of photos and footage of them in circulation.
"True, but in the end it's just a simple and fun game show where we show up for half an hour, answer questions, kick ass and show the world that the O'Brians are the best married couple." Bruce reasoned, rising a laugh from Carrie.
"Yeah, I wouldn't mind showing everyone how much we love and know each other." Carrie said earnestly, making Bruce look at her in total adoration.
"Listen Carrie I'm all for it, but before going in, can we agree that no matter how weird the questions and answers are or if we answer very wrong, that we won't let it come between our marriage?" Bruce asked in concern, reaching his hand out with Carrie grabbing hold.
"Of course, it's just a game show and everything's set up to get as many wrong answers as possible and make the audience laugh. Even if we get zero points, that doesn't make you any less of a husband." Carrie rationalized, making Bruce lean over the kitchen island and give her a happy peck on the check.
"And you won't mind about Bob asking us questions about our 'whoopee-making?" Bruce checked, "Whoopee" being the show's euphemism for sex and one of its favorite subjects.
"Not at all. After all, what's so wrong about letting the world know I go to bed with the
sexiest man alive?" Carrie purred, creating a blushing and bashful Bruce, the two practicing Whoopee later that very night.
With the couple in enthusiastically in agreement, Bruce gave a call to Chuck Barris the following morning, hearing a happy shout of glee on the other line.
The following Monday the two showed up on set, causing quite a stir for the live audience and the other attending couples, almost all of whom were fans of MASH or Some Nights. Thus their time before the episode was spent with an impromptu meet and greet with everyone present, giving the couple little chance to strategize.
Eventually, after studio security was called down to force everyone to their seats, the gameshow was able to begin.
"From Hollywood, the newlywed capitol of the world, here come the Newlyweds!" The opening narration announced, the live audience roaring in cheers and applause at a greater intensity than usual, all thanks to one couple.
"Couple number one, his ideal of a romantic honeymoon activity was a hike in 45 degree Irish weather. Married just four weeks ago, Bruce and Carrie O'Brian!" The two were introduced with the O'Brians laughing at the description, receiving a very loud and roaring ovation that still lingered into couple two's introduction.
Bruce leaned into Carrie after they were introduced, "You wrote that down as our introduction?" He loudly whispered into her ear, the noise covering the conversation.
Carrie shrugged her shoulders, "I'm not saying I didn't enjoy it. They just wanted something interesting or funny, and you have to admit that isn't your typical romantic adventure." Carrie responded, with Bruce nodding his head in concession.
After a commercial break, the wives filed to backstage, leaving the husbands with Bob on the set. Once they were back on the air, the host Bob Eubanks would explain the rules and then get into the first question.
"Gentlemen, would you describe your whoopee making as an occupation, hobby or chore? Bruce, would you like to start us off?" Bob asked.
Bruce shook his head in mild embarrassment as Bob came out pitching so strongly and with him as the first response, but the Irish Actor had been well aware going in that he and Carrie would be asked intimate questions, so he would answer truthfully and with a bit of flair.
"Well I'll certainly tell you one thing Bob, it is never a chore." Bruce said, producing a chorus of laughs and many female whistles and screams from the audience.
"Unfortunately Bruce, you must answer
how it is." Bob pressed cheekily, knowing full well that the showrunners would milk this episode for all its worth, and they probably had one of, if not their biggest audience watching.
"Well that's a real tough one, kind of depends on whether or not you consider an occupation fun." Bruce joked, creating another round of wild reactions from the audience and getting a rise from Bob.
"Honestly I'd say it can go either way, with lots of enjoyment and frequency, so I'll take a guess and say hobby." Bruce answered, with the rest of the other men following suit.
For the second question, Bob asked, "How did you and your wife share your first kiss?" It was a somewhat innocent question, but it caused Bruce cover his face with his hands and shake his head in embarrassment, causing most of the audience to pick up and laugh, eagerly anticipating the answer.
After two contestants, it came right back to Bruce, "Bruce, why don't you share with the audience what's got you so flustered?" Bob teased, with the other men and the rest of the audience leaning forward in hungry attention.
"Well Bob, if I answer truthfully, Carrie might kill me, but we'd be losing on a easy five points so I got to answer honestly." Bruce mumblingly answered, receiving a lot of laughs.
"Were you that bad at kissing?" Bob asked, producing an uproar.
Bruce shook his head, "Oh no, it's nothing with the quality so much as the circumstances behind the kiss." Bruce clarified.
"Well why don't you share with us the answer?" Bob pushed.
Bruce gave a heavy sigh, "She kissed me after I finished eating in a hot wing competition and the sauce got all over her lips." Bruce answered, creating the largest laugh so far.
Bob himself was not immune as he was wheezing on the podium and close to splitting his sides. Eventually he regained control, "Hold on a second, we've got to pause the show here because I am not continuing forward until we get the full story." Bob said, a sentiment the audience agreed with.
Bruce rolled his eyes but complied anyways, "Well, a while after we started dating, Carrie was a bit down in the dumps. I wanted to cheer her up, make her smile a little bit, so I entered the hot wing competition."
"The most natural course of action." Bob quipped.
Bruce laughed and continued, "Well I just wanted to do something silly to make her smile, and I figured public humiliation through excruciating pain in spicy food would do the trick." Bruce said, producing a mixture of laughs and awws. "The reason I chose that specifically was because it was a celebrity event as a small charity fundraiser for hunger, and Clint Eastwood asked if I could sub in for him. Long story short, I did my best but lost the competition, and I came down and talked with Carrie, but I didn't wipe my lips or wash it down with some water. Carrie went in for the kiss, and unfortunately I shared the pain with her."
"All that suffering from Louisiana Hot Sauce?" Bob inquired.
"Oh you do not get me started Bob, it was not Louisiana!" Bruce strongly protested, PTSD from the wings kicking in much to the amusement of the audience. "Those wings were coated with a habanero buffalo sauce with a dozen spices mixed in. I had three milkshakes right after and my lips and mouth burned for several hours!"
"All that pain and you didn't even get to take home a t-shirt or trophy?" Bob asked.
"Nope, nada, although it makes for a fun story." Bruce said.
"And now all of America knows." Bob egged on, causing Bruce to sigh and fearing Carrie's reaction in the answer section.
Fortunately it seemed that the third question would be a soft and easy end, "Who visits you most often after your marriage?"
Bruce relaxed at finally being given a nice and decent question, "Well haven't gotten too much company after the honeymoon, so I'd say her mother. We live in the same neighborhood so usually it's either she comes for breakfast or dinner or we go to her house at least half of the week." Bruce answered, with most knowing he was speaking of Debbie Reynolds.
"And you don't mind the constant company?" Bob asked, to which Bruce shook his head with a smile.
"Not at all Bob. Debbie's a real sweet woman and she's always been so kind since we started dating. Honestly I consider myself to be extremely blessed to not only have married the most beautiful and wonderful woman in the world, but to have married into such an incredible and loving family." Bruce said, melting a lot of hearts in the audience.
The wives would then return and the competition would truly begin, "Alright ladies, we asked your husbands three questions and you shall attempt to answer in the same way he responded with each question worth five points. First question, would you describe your whooppee making to be a occupation, hobby or chore? Carrie?"
The audience laughed and looked expectantly to the celebrity couple. Carrie took a few moments to consider, "Well I'd say we have the spirit or frequency of an occupation, but I think Bruce would have gone with Hobby."
"That your final answer?" Bob asked, to which Carrie nodded, "Alright, Bruce said hobby!" Bob announced with Bruce showing the card, the husband and wife then kissing in celebration.
Only one other couple would get it right with Bruce and Carrie in the lead, "Now for our second question, we asked your husbands how did you and your wife share your first kiss." Carrie became flustered and jumped in her seat to the amusement of the audience, staring down Bruce who turned his eyes in nervousness, as still as a statue.
After couples two and four, it went back to Bruce and Carrie, bob looking on in fun. "He shared the story didn't he Bob?" Carrie asked.
"I can't say, I'm not really allowed to give hints." Bob answered.
Carrie sighed, "I kissed him after he finished a hot wing competition." Bruce would produce the card with the matching answer. The audience laughed and cheered, with Carrie shaking her head in annoyance, but cooling down and smiling when Bruce gave her a peck on the cheek for celebration.
"Carrie, if you don't mind my asking, why exactly did you decide to kiss Bruce after he finished a hot wing competition?" Bob asked.
Carrie gave a huff and explained, "Well he probably told you the story why he was there right?" Carrie asked to which Bob nodded. "Well it's a bit of a strange plan but he was being so considerate and silly and after he was finished I couldn't help but think he was such a nice boyfriend so I kind of got in the mood to kiss him as a reward."
"Only he forgot to clean himself beforehand." Bob joked.
"Yes he did! You said it yourself that your mouth was burning, why didn't you wash it off?!" Carrie started, to the laughter of the audience.
"Well I wanted to, but I wanted to talk to you first, that was more important!" Bruce retorted, producing a round of gushing awws in the audience and melting Carrie's heart once more.
"Well I don't really mind too much. It's just that I can never really share the story with anyone cause everytime I do, my mouth just starts burning from the memory and I can't really savor it!" Carrie complained to everyone's humor.
Bob then moved on to the final couple and then the third question of who visited the married couples most often, Carrie would be the second to answer, "Well that's easy, it's my mom and Todd."
"I'm afraid we can only accept one answer." Bob pointed out.
"Oh then it's my mom." Carrie answered confidently, with Bruce producing the exact response and catapulting the O'Brians to the lead.
The game would then switch to the wives remaining behind to answer, the main difference in format being the points being ten questions. "Alright ladies, starting off, what French food would you say is your husband's favorite meal, and please describe the answer in French. Starting us off is Carrie."
Carrie jerked her head back in bewilderment, "French food? Can I just say nothing."
"No you have to provide us with a definitive answer." Bob informed, "I take it Bruce isn't a fan of French cuisine?" Bob asked.
Carrie shook her head, "It's not that, it's just that he has never made a single French dish during our entire relationship."
"So Bruce does all the cooking at home?" Bob inquired.
"Yeah, both his parents are cooks so he makes some really great meals. I've tried to make stuff on my own in the past but after the third time I started a fire he banned me from the kitchen unless I'm supervised." Carrie said in a bit of joking exaggeration, generating a chorus of laughs at the image of Carrie starting a kitchen fire.
"So you just don't eat French food period?" Bob asked.
"No, he'll make all kinds of food but never French, we've never even been out to a French restaraunt." Carrie complained.
"Well unfortunately time is running out and we have to receive some sort of answer." Bob encouraged.
Carrie thought hard for a few seconds then jolted up as a metaphorical lightbulb went off in her head, "Okay, okay I got it!
Croissant." She answered, with the audience laughing at her pronunciation.
"That's quite an interesting French dialect." Bob commented.
"Oh you'll understand if he gets it right." Carrie said.
Bob then asked the other couples and moved on to the second question, "Ladies, what would you describe as the most romantic gift your husband has given you?" A question that fortunately for Carrie was far easier to answer than the first one.
"It was a snoopy plushie that he got me for Valentine's Day last year." Carrie confidently answered.
"Really? I take it your a big peanuts fan?" Bob asked, producing a giggle from Carrie.
"Well I like them but the reason it was so special was because it was when I was working with my mom on Broadway and we had to leave my dog home with some friends because we didn't have time or space to care for her in New York. I was feeling pretty homesick and missed her a lot and when Bruce visited around that time he got me one as part of his present and it just really made me happy." Carrie gushed, with plenty of awws in the audience.
With Carrie being the last asked, Bob moved onto the final question. "Now for our last question this will be a little tricky so bear with me. Now when your husbands come back, we'll have the two of you lean in with your noses touching, and with your husbands looking into your eyes, they'll have to complete the sentence, 'My darling, this close up you look like a blank'. Your job is to fill in the blank and guess what your spouse would answer."
While the other wives were answering, Carrie stared forward and stretched her face a bit with her hands, thinking hard in contemplation as she tried to imagine what Bruce would see, "Carrie, you still with us?" Bob interrupted, breaking her concentration in minor embarrassment and humor.
"Yeah, I'm just trying to come up with something cause he gives me a lot of cute nicknames so it's a tough pool to draw upon." Carrie responded.
"Well, anyone of them will probably be fine."
"He'd probably say..."Carrie contemplated, then a mental reminder of what film they would soon be working on her gave her a happy answer, "He'd call me a princess." Carrie answered confidently.
"And I guess Bruce would be your Prince Charming?" Bob quipped, receiving a goofy "Yeah" from Carrie.
Then came the bonus question which could determine the game with 25 points. "Now for our final bonus question, who would you say is your husband's favorite sports team?" Carrie rolled her eyes and shook her head with a smile, knowing they'd win the game easily based off of this alone.
"Carrie?"
"The New York Yankees." Carrie said in a snarky manner.
"I take it you have some opinions on the Yankees?" Bob picked up.
"Oh I like them just fine Bob, but Bruce LOVES the Yankees. Just put a Yankee game on the TV and he loses all sense of reason and screams like a banshee for the next three hours." Carrie jokingly described with heavy laughs from the audience.
"Would Bruce divorce you if you got the answer wrong?" Bob joked.
"Maybe." Carrie jokingly responded to the uproar of the audience.
The husbands would then return to finish the game after the commercial break, "Gentleman, which French food would you describe as your favorite, and please respond in French."
To the audience's amusement, they observed Bruce looking just as flummoxed as Carrie, leaving her giggling next to him. "Bruce, is there an issue?" Bob asked with a sly smile.
"I don't cook French food Bob, how am I supposed to respond to that?!" Bruce said in a complete mirror of Carrie, making the whole room burst out laughing.
"Well how come you haven't tried til now?" Bob questioned.
"Cause the portions are too small and I don't ever want to taste a snail." Bruce answered seriously, generating another round of laughs, most especially Bob. "Did Carrie give you an answer?" Bruce asked.
"Yes she did, and you'll have to come up with one soon or else you'll void your points." Bob said.
Bruce bit his lip and thought hard on what to say. His first instinct was french toast but he didn't know if that was a proper answer and while his mind drifted to Feet, his definition of French cuisine was poutine and other Quebecois delicacies. A flash of the next French person he knew, Mrs. Périgord, provided him with a firm answer. He looked to Carrie, "Would you like a
Croissant?" Bruce said in the same particular affliction as Carrie, who happily raised up the card and the two shared a smooch.
"So you
do make French food?" Bob asked cheekily.
"Well I don't make croissants, I get them from one of my old neighbors who bakes them fresh. Plus I'm more of a pancakes kind of guy so it's not my first choice for breakfast." Bruce admitted.
Bruce was then presented with another tough question on romantic gifts, "Gee Bob, that's a bit of a hard one because I'm usually pretty great at giving gifts." Bruce unironically humble bragged, making Carrie smack his arm lightly in response.
"You've gotten me a couple of bad ones before!" She protested in a mock scandalous manner.
"When have I ever-oh right." Bruce said, vividly remembering his take at interior decorating which left Carrie to donate half of the items and take over for interior design.
"Just so we're clear, it's just romantic gifts right Bob? Not Christmas or Birthdays?"
"Are you implying that neither of those are romantic occasions." Bob taunted, with Bruce blushing lightly at the faux passe under the audience's laughter.
"No it's not that, I was just that I was thinking of more like dates or Valen-oh, Oh, OH! It's the Snoopy Plushie!" Bruce excitedly answered, to which Carrie happily nodded and presented the answer, then initiated a heartfelt kiss with Bruce.
"Now gentlemen, listen closely cause this question involves a lot of steps. When called upon I want you to lean in closely with your wife, have your noses touching, and looking directly into her eyes finish this sentence: My darling, this close up you look like a blank, and finish the sentence."
When it got to Bruce and Carrie's turn, he leaned in happily and the newlyweds giggled at close contact of their brushing noses. While Carrie's face was distorted from such a point of view, to Bruce she still looked as beautiful as ever. Too lost in her eyes, Bruce didn't spend any time thinking and just came with what was most natural. "My darling, this close up you look like a princess." Bruce answered correctly, with Carrie joyfully going in for a kiss and then jumping up and down as she showed the answer card, a cute moment that would become very iconic after a few years.
Finishing the round, Bruce and Carrie easily lead the pack with the closest couple having 30 points while they had a perfect 45. If they got the question, they would win the game, with Carrie silently smirking as Bob revealed the bonus question, "Now for all the marbles, our bonus question of the day, gentleman, who is your favorite sports team?" Bruce jumped up in excitement and shouted a loud "YES!", making the audience crack up.
"Hold your horses Bruce, we'll get to you in a minute." Bob commanded, the other couples groaned as they knew there was no chance of getting first.
Wanting to not end the game early, Bob chose to do Bruce and Carrie last, the New Yorker vibrating within his seat for a minute. "Bruce-" Bob began.
"YANKEES!" Bruce shouted, Carrie then produced the card only to be snatched up in a passionate kiss from Bruce, who stopped after a couple of seconds and sat back in a bit of fluster after remembering he was on live television.
"I take it you're a bit fond of them?" Bob quipped.
"Yeah, they're a pretty good team." Bruce said bashfully, though in his opinion any true New Yorker would act the same way.
"Well it's a pretty good thing you do, because with that correct answer, you and Carrie score 70 points, winning today's game and becoming our 14th couple to receive a perfect score in the show's history." Bob declared, with Bruce and Carrie hugging in celebration.
"While usually this would be our cue to show the winning couple a prize chosen just for them, Bruce and Carrie chose to concede their prize if they won today, so for our runner ups Morgan and Samantha, here is our grand prize chosen just for you!" The announcer declared, causing the runner ups to jump up and down in celebration and earning the O'Brians a great deal of respect and approval from everyone present in the studio.
"Well that's all the time we have for today. Congratulations to our winning couple Bruce and Carrie, and congrats to our rare runner up prize winners Morgan and Samantha. Thank you to every watching, I've been Bob Eubanks, and we wish you a very merry Christmas from The Newlywed Game!"
