Somehow, Baking for Charity Causes Issues
"Hear ye, hear ye, hear ye!" Called the Town Crier, waving his bell up and down. He stood in the center of the boardwalk, crying the day's news for all to hear, even the passing Wards and Protectorate members. "The mighty Apeiron, the Enigmatic Artificer, Biggest Cheese of the Celestial Forge, has opened a bakery! To hear the man himself say it, all proceeds shall go to charity 'because it isn't like I need
mortal currency.' He then proceeded to put several rolls of quarters into a pickle jar!"
One of the passing Wards collapsed to the ground, convulsing and frothing at the mouth. She was clearly in awe of the Town Crier's crying. A warm feeling filled his chest as he saw everybody's reaction to his words. His life was good.
"Alright, Joe, I can understand this whole idea," began Lethe, futzing with the apron tied over her power armor. "The economic side, the social side, all that stuff. My one question is: Why are we doing this in costume?"
"Oh, that's pretty simple, actually," called Joe from the back, which was completely cut off from the rest of the bakery and loaded with as much anti-thinker and anti-stranger tech Joe could bring to bear. "See, I had Survey do some research, and apparently, the big issue with most S-Class threats is the isolation, the perceived lack of humanity. People don't see Sleeper, Nilbog, The Three Blasphemies, and Jack Slash as human. Therefore, to avoid the big stigma with S-Class Threats, I've decided to open this bakery!"
"Ah. Alright. But why do I need to have my familiar out?"
"Hopefully, it'll make you less threatening! The duplicates and I have got to get back to the breadmaking, call me when the costumers start pouring in!"
"Will do!" Lethe then took the time to read over what she was to say to people coming in the door. She frowned in confusion, but that frown quickly turned into a cackle. "Oh-ho! I can have
fun with this!"
"Lisa?" Taylor called, confusedly watching Lisa pull on her shoes. "Where are you going? In costume?" The rest of the Undersiders looked at the blonde woman pulling on her purple costume, before glancing amongst each other. There weren't any jobs planned, not any that they knew of.
"Joe, the blustering moron, decided to go and open a bakery," Lisa reported, sounding so very irritated. "Now I've gotta go and talk him out of it before he causes Armageddon."
"I'm sorry, how does opening a
bakery put anybody at risk of Armageddon?"
"Shut the #### up and put your costume on, Regent. That goes for the rest of you, too. That incompetent isn't going to stop on his own."
"I really don't think we need to--"
"SHUT THE #### UP, REGENT!"
"Why is teeny space child so agitated?" Asked the PRT Agent with a really thick accent. Blake, also known as Browbeat, didn't know
what accent it was. They were both standing over Vista, who was convulsing violently and frothing at the mouth like a rabid animal. Blake was pretty damn sure this sort of thing usually called for restraints of some kind, but nobody was raising a fuss, so maybe not?
"I... well, the Town Crier said that Apeiron was opening a bakery, giving all the proceeds to charity, and... something about mortal currency, I think."
The PRT Agent nodded. "Ah, yes.
Jyehbrizh, Forgettable Panacea, your assistance is appreciated. I must go report this to those above."
"You're welcome."
Meanwhile, in the Darkest Reaches of Medhall!
"MMmmmm, Runey-dear?" Asked Damsel of Distress, who was staring at the Television with a loving expression.
Rune sighed. "Oh god, I'm too exhausted for this... Yes, Damsel?"
"I want bread."
"That's nice," Rune retorted, turning away from the Damsel of Distress-shaped hole in the wall in to find the television remote. She was really uncomfortable with how obsessed Damsel of Distress was... "But unfortunately, we can't go out for--" Rune whipped back around to face the Damsel of Distress-shaped hole in the wall. "Aw, nuts."
*Ding-a-ling!*
"Hiiii~! Welcome to Celestial Bakery, where the dough is out of this world~!"
Blasto paused momentarily, looking bewildered at the Celestial Forge's
global-ranged Stranger, who had apparently grown Tapir ears, decided to speak in the cutest manner she could manage, and pose like she was a character from that one series, Web of Magic. Or was it Princess Gwynivere? He eventually offered the woman a hesitant nod and walked up to the counter, where the Celestial Forge's Thinker was stationed.
"Hi, yeah, could I get fifteen cinnamon rolls, three loafs of white bread, twenty loafs of cinnamon bread, thirty-two everything bagels, five nutmeg bagles, seven stroopwaffles, fifty-seven donuts, twelve croissants, the head of a bear dipped in smoked honey, and..." Blasto peered at the note he held in his hands, squinting. "A cupcake?"
"Certainly!" Chirped the unnaturally beautiful woman. "That'll be--"
The front wall of the bakery exploded. Out of the dust cloud walked the Damsel of Distress.
"MMMMMMMMMmmmm!"
"Aw, nuts." Proclaimed Blasto, as Damsel of Distress announced her intentions to slaughter hostages if Apeiron did not submit and become her personal breadslave or something along those lines. "The one time I don't bring the polyps..."
"The bakery is under attack!" Cried duplicate number one.
"They lay siege to our yeastery!" Proclaimed the other.
"Tybalt, would you handle this?" Asked Apeiron of his smaller, cat-like associate.
"Meow." answered Tybalt, as he loaded his magic shotgun with charged burstone rounds.
The Protectorate and the PRT worked together in perfect concert to cordon off the bakery. Armsmaster stepped as close as he dared, readying his megaphone. "This is the Protectorate East-North-East!" he cried. "Apeiron! Put down the hand mixer, renounce your bread-divinity, and come out with your hands up!"
"Wait, what about the hostage situation?" Assault whispered.
"I'm getting there, don't worry," Armsmaster replied, before turning the megaphone back on. "Damsel of Distress! This is the Protectorate East-North-East! Put down the hostages and come out with your hands up!"
"MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMmmmmmmmmmmmmm!"
And then a very large explosion occurred.
"Oyez, oyez, oyez!" Called the Town Crier, waving his bell up and down. He stood in the center of the bombed-out wasteland that used to be the boardwalk, crying the day's news for all to hear, even the passing Wards and Protectorate members. "The mighty Apeiron, the Enigmatic Artificer, Hugest Kahuna of the Celestial Forge, has reported that his teammate Catastrophe has used an explosive shotgun round with a payload of two hundred megatons of TNT, or the equivalent of the 1883 Eruption of Krakatoa! The city as we know it has been utterly decimated and rendered uninhabitable! Apeiron, the Enigmatic Artificer, Largest and Manliest Large Man Upstairs of the Celestial Forge, has announced that he will rebuild the entire city at no cost to anybody! When asked to give a comment, he said 'it's not like I need
mortal currency,' and then put several wallets full of hundred dollar bills into a pickle jar!"
One of the passing Wards collapsed to the ground, convulsing and frothing at the mouth. She was clearly in awe of the Town Crier's crying. A warm feeling filled his chest as he saw everybody's reaction to his words. His life was good.
The End.
Okay, so apparently something borked for Sufficient Velocity, long story short it means that little back arrow down by "Apocrypha" won't take you to the other Omake by me on this page, Siblings, so... here's a quote that'll lead you there.