Seeing as here, his father's part of the Army IIRC, he might have access to a little more than that. How much some of the kit he has is useful to two demi-Angels remains to be seen, but I think Kensuke especially would be able to make a case for armor and medical kits at least.
Now, the question arises; which Kamen Riders would the pilots be, I wonder? It's been a while since I've watched any Kamen Rider shows, but I would pin (at least off the top of my head) Shinji for Den-O (meek and somewhat shy, but bolstered by his allies), Asuka as Kiva (aggressive, nearly animalistic if pushed far enough), Rei as Kabuto (calm, reserved, and driven to a single goal), and Kaworu as Hibiki (a fair bit out of the ordinary, and musical in his nature).
Edit: As for Mari... early Zero-One seems the decent fit to me (chipper, cheeky, and out to make everyone smile).
Perhaps so, maybe even quite likely so. In which case, we're really good at round robins. And if so, then maybe the question could be reframed as: What Evangelion characters (regardless of where they come from) would be which Kamen Riders?
Perhaps so, maybe even quite likely so. In which case, we're really good at round robins. And if so, then maybe the question could be reframed as: What Evangelion characters (regardless of where they come from) would be which Kamen Riders?
With your avatar, Strider, I honestly thought I was reading and responding to a post from BG, who would often present these considerations with Kamen representatives in the mix.
With your avatar, Strider, I honestly thought I was reading and responding to a post from BG, who would often present these considerations with Kamen representatives in the mix.
You called? Still writing, got a few more stories going on at the moment, one in particular is a bit more time critical than usual so that's the priority for me at the moment.
I'll be having a bit of time off from work in April, so I'd expect another Chronicles then!
Little detail, but it's interesting how Mari's rectangular glasses became her "default" official ones, no matter what period of the story is supposed to be depicted.
The word mamihlapinatapai is derived from the Yaghan language of Tierra del Fuego, listed in The Guinness Book of World Records as the "most succinct word", and is considered one of the hardest words to translate. It has been translated as "a look that without words is shared by two people who want to initiate something, but that neither will start" or "looking at each other hoping that the other will offer to do something which both parties desire but are unwilling to do".
In regards to Advice and Trust, I remembered when Asuka refereed to Shinji as a Buddha. I can't help but imagine Shinji as a literal Buddha with Asuka resting in his palm. See this clip for how I got that Idea.
In regards to Advice and Trust, I remembered when Asuka refereed to Shinji as a Buddha. I can't help but imagine Shinji as a literal Buddha with Asuka resting in his palm. See this clip for how I got that Idea.
Now, the question arises; which Kamen Riders would the pilots be, I wonder? It's been a while since I've watched any Kamen Rider shows, but I would pin (at least off the top of my head) Shinji for Den-O (meek and somewhat shy, but bolstered by his allies), Asuka as Kiva (aggressive, nearly animalistic if pushed far enough), Rei as Kabuto (calm, reserved, and driven to a single goal), and Kaworu as Hibiki (a fair bit out of the ordinary, and musical in his nature).
Edit: As for Mari... early Zero-One seems the decent fit to me (chipper, cheeky, and out to make everyone smile).
I asked this question before. But I really like Kamen Rider and hoping that Chronicles will cover one of its entries in the near future. You were just mentioning the main riders. But if we expand to secondary and teritary riders, there can be a lot more fitting matches
Shinji - Kiva, they're both shy, meek, and have a liking to classical instruments (cello and violin)
Asuka - Cross-Z, both are hot-headed fighters who likes to solve their problems just mostly by punching harder
Rei - Izu(Kamen Rider Zero-Two), being emotionless artificial lifeforms, who slowly gets more expressive in the long run, also they both died then got revived later on.
Kaworu - Aikawa Hajime(Kamen Rider Chalice), otherworldly beings slowly gaining humanity through love and friendship, both also have a natural instinct to end the world, against their will.
Mari - Kamen Rider Ouja, both are dangerous individuals, love the thrill of battle, though Mari is not a criminal nor a psychopathic murderer.
... ... ...A part of me wants to say the answer to that is "yes", however knowing there...personalities, and more what both did in canon, i can't help but think calling either a Buddha is just an insult to the word/title.
Ladies and Gentlemen and Others and Unixes of the thread, I's got a simple question for you!
Do you like jazz?
The sun was shining, the birds were singing… and a giant bee was attacking Tokyo-3.
Yes, that's how I'm opening this story. "Watch for the stinger!"
"What sting- AGK!" As Unit-01 was pierced straight through. "Oh that's not so bad actually."
"Shinji it's still stinging you."
"It's barely even doing anything." He'd giggle over the radio. "Kinda ticklish actually."
To Asuka's facepalm "God damn it at least move him over so I can get a clear shot at him."
Trying to let her get a better shot, the bullets simply bounced off the bee's AT-Field. "Why does it have an AT-Field?! Misato?!"
"Honestly I have no idea what's going on at the moment." As she cracked open a can of something of the radio.
"Wha- are you drinking?!"
"Asuka a giant bee is attacking Tokyo-3, either I'm drunk or I'm not drunk enough."
"Agh, rat bastard where's our backup?!"
Her radar would ping, two Units inbound from the eastern horizon. "Mah, about time those lazy yanks get off their behinds."
Units 05 and 06 would land in a crash, immediately scoping the situation.
"What the fuck."
"Trixie don't complain about what we're fighting, just fucking fight it!"
"With what? I don't have a massive flower!"
Misato spat out her drink. "Oh my God that's it!" In cheer. "Flower formation!"
"Uhh, what?"
"Flower formation!"
"Yomiko's asking what the fuck is going on too."
"Agh just shut up and get into formation."
"What formation?!"
"Just do what I'm doing!"
All Evangelion would promptly combine hands and legs, the massively different colours vibrant.
It soon attracted the bee, which proceeded to pollinate with it. "Agh! Disgusting!"
The bee would soon fly away, back over the ocean and out of radar range.
Leaving the pilots absolutely bewildered. "Asuka what was that?"
"I don't know, but I know I need a beer afterwards."
"I got plenty for everyone." Misato announced. "Return to base. God how am I gonna explain this to the UN?"
~
Everyone was drinking, pilots and staff alike. "It's a bee! We've fought Angels and all that in Massachusetts and we get called over for a giant bee!?"
"Look Trix we're just as bewildered at it as you are." Sulked Asuka. "It doesn't make any sort of sense."
Rei would kick down the door, it flying off its hinges and impacting the wall right next to Ritsuko. "I just got that fixed!" She cried out.
"I found this. I believe it was dropped by the bee."
A film reel was dropped onto the table.
"Rei?"
"Yes?"
"What."
"It is a movie."
"I gathered that much, but… what?"
"I think it is a movie about bees."
"Rei it's literally called Bee Movie."
"Well you cannot assume these things Derek."
"There's bees on the reel!"
"Oh Gods it's from Dreamworks again…" Muttered Ritsuko, before breaking out her secret stash of wine. "We've already had one of these."
"What do you mean?!"
"Oh yeah Shrek, that was a riot." Shrugging it off. "Well, let's get everyone in and see how much of a garbage fire this ends up being."
"How everyone are we thinking?" Ritsuko thought. "Because we had like twenty four people watching Shrek last time."
"Think we can have more than that?"
"I suppose that's where we're going then." With a sigh, finishing the glass she poured not thirty seconds ago. "I'll get the theatre ready. We're gonna need a lot of alcohol for this one."
~
At least one thousand moments later, the movie theatre was ready for operation. Misato was currently acting as bouncer, checking everyone's tickets. "I'm surprised you got here this quickly."
"You know our bathrooms still lead to the Geofront, right?"
"I know, I need to get it checked out." Waving off Mabel's concern, as she lead her party into the theatre. "Are we allowing animals too?"
"Honk!"
"I guess we are…" Checking them off.
"Well I'd hope you were cause I bought your pet along too." Hikari berated, holding Pen-Pen in her arms.
"Wark!"
Misato sighed. "Okay is that everyone? I hope it is cause I'm not letting anyone else in!"
The doors slammed shut, and Misato would walk front of stage. "Okay everyone! We are gathered here today for something special."
"Are you finally getting married to Kaji?" Kaji himself called out.
"N-No! Not yet damn it!" With a pout. "No, we're watching a movie!"
"Is this where movies are watched?"
"Yes Starlight."
"I thought they were watched in the home. And usually during sexual activity-"
"What in the Goddamn are you two getting up to?"
"No having sex during the movie!"
Zero Two and Hiro proceeded to leave. "No! You're not leaving."
"Well what's the point of watching it if we can't bang during it?"
"The point of watching it is to see what Gods forsaken work we got sent through this time! C'mon, isn't it interesting to you guys?"
"It's literally called Bee Movie!" Derek shouted out. "I don't have any hope for it being a good movie!"
"You don't have hopes for a lot of things Derek."
"For perfectly good reasons, and this reason is because it's a movie about bees written by the guy who did Seinfeld."
"Wait really?"
"Yes, made by Jerry Seinfeld himself, apparently he stars as the main character as well."
Half the theatre proceeded to leave. "What did I just say?! No one's leaving until we watch and react to it! Because apparently that's what NERV does now."
"How did we become this…" Lamented Ritsuko, drinking straight from a bag of wine.
"Oh my God you have booze?" Asuka clambered over the seat. "Give me some!"
"Get your own bag damn it!"
"If alcohol is required, you can take your pick from the alcohol cart up on the stage." Misato pulled a cover off, revealing a positive trove of booze and it's gone, everyone immediately went up to take their share. "W-wha- You didn't even leave any for me!"
"Misato you're the one who organised this, you deserve to suffer through it sober."
A beat, before she whined. "Awww but I don't wanna it's gonna suck so badly!"
"Hey, share with Pen-Pen, he took an entire case of Yebisu!"
Looking toward the bird, he was using it as a booster seat. "Wark!" Cracking open a can, turning toward his counterpart. "Wark?"
"Honk!"
He passed an open can to the goose. "Honk!"
"Wark."
A straw was put into the can. "Honk!" And the goose proceeded to drink.
"Oh for fuck's sake, just get the movie started already…"
~~~
All B's(00:00)
The movie started with the Dreamworks kid falling to his death.
As: "God I wish that was me right now."
Pe: "Wark!" St: "I'm assuming that's not how it goes normally."
Di: "This isn't even the regular Dreamworks title card, it almost looks updated in some way."
Pa: "I'm guessing that bee is the main character."
Mab: "Probably."
Pa: "He sounds like an ass."
W: "No he's a bee."
It immediately went into some pseudo-deep nonsense about a bee not being able to fly. "Actually, it is well know how a bee is able to fly."
Ke: "Well how do they, Rei?"
Re: "They use the power of the AT-Field."
Ke: "Why am I not surprised."
Tr: "At this point, anything in this Goddamn world can be explained with the AT-Field."
Re: "You are not wrong."
Ab: "Honk!"
Yo: "Is it possible to be racist against bees?"
Hik: "Obviously whoever thought this movie was a good idea thought it wasn't possible. Actually what would that be called, beeist?"
Zep: "Was auch immer es ist, dieser Film wird mich zu einem machen."
("Whatever it is, this movie will make me one.")
We zoom out of some fresh kicks. "Oh my God it's all gonna be bee themed isn't it…"
Ri: "Misato it's literally called Bee Movie what did you expect?!"
Mab: "Can I put everyone who made this film on a blacklist of some sort?"
The main character in question picked out a black and yellow sweater. "It's the same as the others!"
Mar: "Why does it have a human face?!"
Yu: "I hope that's his own personal tub of honey…"
His cellphone rang, his cellphone being his own antenna, which he bent into a handsfree.
Eliza promptly kernel panicked and collapsed at the sight. "You alright?"
Sh: "Didn't even last ninety seconds this time around, poor thing."
To: "Why would he need to sharpen his stinger if he doesn't plan on using it?"
KyoC: "Well you gotta make sure your tool is ready for any female bees that come your way."
Sa: "Kyo they're bees, they're all female."
KyoC: "Why is he a man then?!"
Zer: "It's not even that large."
Kaj: "What's the point of having stairs when they can fly?"
KyoS: "Well you gotta spend your money on so- Ist das ein Bienenstock-Haarschnitt?"
As: "Oh my God it is, why is everything a bee?!"
Har: "Very funny, all B's on the report card."
Mar: "Sound just like my report card."
De: "Did you even get a report card?"
Mar: "Well my dad did, was a bit of a crass move considering I was already dead."
Kaw: "How do you feel watching this now?"
Mar: "I feel I should've stayed dead."
eeeeeeee"Oh for fuck's sake I was hoping to last longer than that!"
St: "I don't really get what the big fuss is about, these manmade horrors are perfectly within comprehension."
E: "Your time with Trixie has corrupted you Starlight."
Tr: "You're welcome, Lisa!" Blowing a raspberry. E: "It's Eliza."
B-95 (02:00)
Out of the garage his roadster merged into traffic, the title card proudly displaying.
Mi: "I hope whoever made this film got shot."
Kaj: "I can get that organised if you want."
Mi: "Not literally!"
Pa: "I can't imagine more hell than living in beehive suburbia."
W: "Well lucky for you that already exists!"
Pa: "Joy."
Sh: "So what happens if the hive gets knocked out of the tree? Is it just the end of the world for them?"
As: "Their Third Impact is just the hive getting punted into the ocean."
De: "Are we allowed to do that?"
Yu: "What would they even put on a pizza? Can they even make the dough?"
Hik: "That's your concern, not the fact they have internet."
Sa: "Hang on how is Adam a related name to the whole bee thing?"
Yo: "It doesn't all have to be bee related. And I hope it's not all bee related."
Ri: "Doubt that."
Pe: "Wark!"
Mi: "Just because you can't get sideburns like that."
W: "Hold up so these bees are like a few weeks old or something?"
Re: "Bees only live for six weeks during the active summer periods."
W: "Oh shit so they're already a third of the way through their life then."
KyoC: "What date was this film made?"
Mi: "2007?"
KyoC: "Oh thank God they're all dead already!"
Tr: "We could be watching this in 2007 and they'd be dead as well!"
Speaking of death, Adam bought up the fate of a certain Frankie.
May: "I'm more upset for the squirrel."
KyoS: "I don't think this film has done a great job in establishing why we should like these characters." E: "We aren't even three minutes in."
Mar: "God imagine if they tried incorporating a loop into the Interstate."
Mab: "I dread to see the crash statistics of this hive… wait why do they even have cars?! Wouldn't flying just be the thing they'd do?"
May: "Or even public transport, they have the organisation to do that!"
From the parking spot they would fly to their seats, quite a bit of pomp given the circumstance.
Ab: "Honk!"
De: "Pretty obvious isn't it…"
Another Brick In The Wall(03:30)
The graduation ceremony would begin. "They all look the same!"
Tr: "They're bees Derek! They aren't meant to have distinguishing features!"
As: "Tell that to whoever made this damn film."
The graduation ceremony was done, immediately leading into the work orientation. "Actually we can learn a lot from that." Thought Misato. "If I have to do one more graduation ceremony I swear to God-"
Pa: "And look at that, they even have a job right out of college! That's a good change as well!"
Kaw: "Is it not good in America?"
Pa: "I can earn more money at Starbucks than teaching, Kaworu."
W: "Not that it matters, NERV money baby!"
Ab: "Honk!"
Ri: "Buncha freeloaders…"
Kaj: "So there's only one corporation in this hive, and they make everything."
May: "Wonder if the Queen is the CEO." E: "What's the point of having so many divisions if they're the only company there anyway?"
KyoC: "Well maybe they have another enterprise running the pizza shops."
They made their way further into the hive, where all the honey was manufactured. St: "I have catalogued over three billion inefficiencies with this system."
Sa: "You saw it for a frame!"
Di: "God damn ain't this a commentary on working."
Ri: "Well how else are you gonna afford to live?"
Mab: "A national nest egg so you can support a universal basic income, maybe?"
Yo: "I doubt they have any sort of social security in that society."
Zep: "Vielleicht wirst du aus dem Bienenstock geworfen und von einem Vogel gepflückt."
("Maybe you get kicked out of the hive and get picked off by a bird.")
Re: "Well you have death security at least."
Sh: "They talked about a funeral before, what would a bee funeral even look like?"
Mar: "If it's anything like that orientation, it probably lasts five seconds and then everyone immediately forgets about them."
Mi: "What about the law? Surely they have bee criminals, is there a bee prison?"
Zer: "A brison."
To: "Maybe they just execute anyone that breaks any law, it'd certainly be efficient."
Hir: "A bexecution."
Hik: "The judge just has two buttons on their desk, one's green and free's them, the other's red and splats them with a flyswatter or something."
Pe: "Wark!"
Kaj: "Well normally honey is made by enzymic activity and the storage conditions of the hive, but obviously these bees have industrialised a fair bit."
De: "Even with this advanced tech, they probably work in the scale of ounces."
Tr: "Damn bro don't hit on his cousin like that!"
KyoS: "It's worse than that, they all come from the same queen. That would make them siblings."
Sh: "Wait if they all come from the same queen, why are there distinct mother and father bees in this one?"
KyoS: "Because this film is an abomination?"
Mab: "I bet Seinfeld wanted to say they were all siblings but the studio absolutely veto'd it."
May: "I'm surprised he's gotten away with half the stuff we've seen so far."
They would see a bee stress testing a new helmet. "Oh sure let's test our new Evangelion armour by getting a pilot in there and firing the positron rifle at it's fucking head!"
Hik: "I mean there's probably billions of them in this one hive, they have a few bees to spare."
KyoC: "Zero Two have you had any squads perish because they tested something stupid?"
Zer: "Squad 48454c50204d45, APE decided to test magma proof armour on that squad's FRANXX units."
Re: "How did it go?"
Zer: "It wasn't magma proof. Quite the opposite actually."
Mab: "What did it melt?"
Zer: "No it blew up."
Mab: "That's even worse!"
Zer: "Ah they got it right. Eventually. After going through twelve more squads."
To: "How'd the 12th squad go?"
Zer: "Well they survived, but then a Klaxosaur emerged from the depths of the magma pit they were testing in. The armour was magma proof but it wasn't Klaxosaur proof."
Tr: "What the fuck planet did you come from Zero Two?!"
Zer: "Oh I have plenty more stories where that came from Trixie!" St: "I don't see why you need a bee to operate the Krelman."
W: "Well when you have billions of bees at your disposal you just hire for the sake of hiring."
Ab: "Honk!"
Pa: "They're bees, Abby, they're probably paid in honey as well!"
As: "Wow you even get lifetime work from this gig! At least you know it's stable!"
De: "Oh wow, four weeks of working and if you're lucky you might get a day of retirement before dropping dead."
Kaj: "Rich you think they retire, they probably work right up until they cark it."
Mi: "Shit, if you're working somewhere like the Krelman where you don't even need to pay attention to it, they probably don't even take your corpse out until shift change if it still does the job."
W: "I don't think going that long without taking a day off is something to be proud of."
Di: "It's impressive how overworked they are."
Ri: "They're the second most overworked thing on the planet, behind a Japanese salaryman."
Tr: "Do they drop dead while working as well?"
Ri: "Yes, plenty of times. Hell we had twelve people this month die from overwork, we even have a name for it."
May: "Ritsuko you can't call safety accidents overworking!"
Mi: "We had how many die this month?!"
Ri: "That's good by our standards."
Mab: "We've had no deaths since I took over Massachusetts!"
As: "Oh la di dah with your actually effective workplace safety department!" Asuka promptly stacked it because her chair broke. "Eh, I'll just use Shinji as a chair instead."
Sh: "Wait what?"
Backbite(06:40)
With orientation over, Adam and Barry were discussing the day that was.
Eliza kernel panicked again after failing to understand how the escalators expanded going down. St: "You know sometimes I get concerned that my panic receptors are shot, obviously I'm not supposed to be able to understand that."
Mab: "I'd blame Trixie."
Tr: "Most things you can blame on me Chief, so fair enough."
Pa: "She's not gonna get any brain damage from that is she?"
Ri: "She hasn't gotten any yet." In a shrug.
Ab: "Honk!"
Hir: "What job could a goose do anyway?"
De: "Be a nuisance?"
Abigail started pecking at Derek. "Ow ow quit it!"
W: "Heh, deserved."
Di: "Woah so they still have bees that go postal don't they?"
Zer: "How would they sting themselves? And didn't they say they die if they sting someone else?"
Re: "I do not think lore was a main focus of the script writers."
To: "I don't know what their focus was."
Pe: "Wark!"
Mi: "Whatever they were on, I think I could use some of that."
KyoC: "How does honey work as a fuel?"
Yu: "Maybe they're a bioengine of some sort that uses the sugars."
Zep: "Oder es ist ihnen scheißegal."
("Or they don't give a shit.")
Yu: "I mean probably that too."
They would continue their discussion in the middle of a motorway. eeeeeee"Oh that's just a typical Tokyo-3 road."
May: "It's moving way too quickly to be a Tokyo-3 road, it needs to be gridlock throughout the entire city."
Tr: "I swear some of those cars weren't layered correctly!"
Jock Block (07:20)
Eventually they made their way toward the entrance of the hive.
Mi: "Ah Christ that's how they get the nectar?"
De: "They're all a bunch of jocks!" St: "That's their name isn't it?"
Kaj: "I am not even going to put money down that Bazza Bee will join the pollen jocks."
Tr: "What on Earth is a Bazza?"
Ri: "Kaji spent too much time in Australia. Whatever happened to that Commodore of yours anyway?"
Kaj: "Crashed it into the side of a building doing burnouts and wrote it off."
KyoS: "How fitting." E: "Why do they need all that radar and telemetry anyway?! They're bees! They can't use that!"
Re: "These are the same bees where their antennae function as hands-free headsets." E: "Can you please stop pointing out these inconsistencies I'm trying not to panic."
St: "Maybe we should swap our places for a day, have you live with Trixie for a bit. I find that really helped me understand the incomprehensible."
E: "Starlight I would die if I tried to spend a day with her... in fact I did die spending a day with her!"
Tr: "You're not the only one who can't handle me." Blowing a raspberry.
Zer: "If only they know what it's like, what was that bee that stung a squirrel?"
Re: "Judging by their temperament, I get the impression they were a pollen jock."
Yu: "I don't think Barry has the temperament for that."
As: "God I just can't get over the fact the female bees all have a fucking beehive hairdo, like come on!"
Mar: "Not to mention all of them swooning over them."
Ab: "Honk!"
Di: "Yeah why are all of them chiselled to hell and back?! They're bees!"
W: "Ah nothing wrong with a bit of fanservice."
Pa: "They're bees, Wendy."
De: "Wait, that's nectar? I thought it was the powdery stuff, that just looks like honey!"
KyoC: "They can sure take a punch though. Find yourself a man like that."
Re: "I did."
Kaw: "I can take a lot more than a punch as well."
Yo: "We know that."
De: "Are you still mad at him about that?"
Yo: "I got him square in the face and he didn't even flinch."
Tr: "Hey you handled being punted several yards into the bleachers pretty well too girl!"
Zep: "Was zum Teufel ist das für eine Ausbildung, die Sie mit ihnen machen?"
("What the hell is this training you are doing with them?")
Mi: "Whatever it is, can't argue with results."
Tr: "Whatever it is probably counts as abuse."
Mab: "It's either controlled abuse at Kaworu's hand or deadly abuse at the Angel's hand, pick your poison. Oh! Speaking of abuse, when are we doing that combined trust building exercise again?"
Ri: "The one with the lives or the one where they play chicken with a particle launcher?"
Mab: "The life one! We are not doing that particle launcher one again!"
Zer: "Squad 4449455320544f2041205041525449434c45204c41554e43484552 died to a particle launcher." St: "How fitting."
E: "How the hell do you remember these squad numbers Zero Two?"
Zer: "Look when they die a horrible stupid preventable death, you remember these numbers a lot more vividly!" E: "That's a fifty six digit hexadecimal number Zero Two!"
May: "Okay so I'm looking it up, pollen and nectar are different? Ones a more sugary liquid secreted by the plant during its pollination, that's what the bees want and the pollen is just the method of reproduction of plants."
Mar: "Oh no wonder the ladies are interested in it! I bet it functions as a stimulant for them!"
Eliza had another kernel panic thinking of the idea. St: "Maybe we should get some pollen after this then, Trix." Nudging her, to her coy laugh.
Hik: "Gods what on Earth did we miss with those two?"
Tr: "Lots!"
Barry would start flirting with his 'distant' cousins. "I'm trying to forget the fact they are bees."
Sa: "If I forgot about that, it'd probably make it worse."
Pe: "Wark!"
Mi: "Actually yeah, wouldn't inbreeding start to become a problem for them quickly when they only live six weeks?!"
Kaj: "Hives usually collapse as soon as the queen dies anyway. Maybe that is the secondary function of the pollen jock, filling the role as drones."
Yu: "At least that lot are doing some work for the hive, instead of just breeding once and dying."
Zer: "Coming and going."
As: "Pfft, Zero Two!"
Ke: "How do those girl bees not know they aren't pollen jocks? They aren't even dressed like them! Heck, one of them's dressed as a salaryman!"
Di: "It's well known that bees share a single braincell."
Mab: "Hey do you know where our braincell went off to?"
Di: "I thought you had it!"
Ri: "I still don't like the name you have for the Magi…"
The actual pollen jocks would come out and have their own fun with the imposters. "Ooh there's the kick the plot needs!"
To: "You think he'll go for it?"
Ri: "Oh he has to go for it or this movie's gonna be boring as all hell."
Hir: "He doesn't even know what time is, I have no hope for him."
Big Decisions (09:40)
The night time had arrived and Barry reclined for the evening, but he was still thinking of the day that was.
Tr: "0900 isn't even that early, we have to get up at 0400 sometimes for training."
Hik: "You guys wake up that late? We wake up at 0100 hours for training!"
As: "You guys get sleep?"
eeeeeee"STOP IT!" In a whine. "God damn it I hate this film! What did I miss?"
St: "Not much, some jocks bullied Barry into joining them out of the hive."
E: "Figured that's what happened."
W: "Why does a bee have a nicer apartment than I have?"
Mab: "Wendy your apartment is sponsored by NERV."
W: "Yeah that's half the problem."
Mab: "Look the IRS has been on our ass lately and we've had to make some budget cuts."
Ri: "Mabel in Japan we own the tax office, why can't you just do that?"
Mab: "The IRS are scary Rits! They've threatened to repossess the Evangelion if we don't pay the appropriate tax on them."
Mi: "You own Evangelion!" In near shout. "At that point, we can legitimately go to the United Nations, declare the IRS as a terrorist organisation, and get rid of them!"
Di: "Wait we can do that?"
Mi: "Yes!"
Dipper blinked. "Well I'm doing that as soon as I get out of this theatre."
Ab: "Honk!"
To: "Y'know, it sure seems like he's the only bee with a mind to his own… I'm talking to a goose. What is this planet."
Pe: "Wark!"
To: "Well I know you're genetically modified, I can quite clearly tell that. But they're just a normal goose!"
Ab: "Honk!"
To: "You're modified as well?"
Ab: "Honk!"
To: "They did what to Quebec?!"
Mi: "Oi!" Misato wrapped a hand around the gosling's beak. "Opsec!"
Ab: "Muffled Honk!"
De: "Oh and look at that, now his family's pressuring him into doing something. Wonder if that means a brash decision is in the works."
Yo: "Judging from your experience?"
De: "Maybe if certain people would stop pressuring me!"
May: "I take it old man Benson didn't marry her for smarts."
Ri: "No it was for looks."
Zep: "Sie sehen alle gleich aus!"
("They all look the same!")
Ri: "I didn't say they were good looks." St: "Maybe for fun I should get a beehive hair style."
Tr: "Oh my God I'm so gonna enable that!"
Pa: "You enable a lot of things with her Trixie."
Tr: "Yeah and?" Wrapping her in a side hug. "She's my partner! We stick together no matter how unhealthy it gets!" St: "Yeah!"
Hik: "You two are way too enthusiastic about that." St: "I believe the term is all in good fun."
E: "Was it really a good idea pairing a learning intelligence with someone as chaotic as Trixie Lulamoon?"
Tr: "Yes!"
Job Board(10:50)
Cut to the very next day. "WHY DO BUSES EXIST- oh there I go again!" Once more collapsing in kernel panic.
Yu: "Is she eventually going to tap out?"
Ri: "Nah she's stubborn, she'll stick around even if it kills her."
Re: "I hope it does not, it took a month to get her body back last time."
Ke: "Starlight you're on the exact same software as her, why are you handling it well?"
The other computer would beam alongside Trixie. "Y'know what, I don't need an answer to that."
They would face the job placement board. "Oh my- How are you able to understand that! Eliza?"
She was still out. "Uhh, Starlight?" St: "Nup, I got nothing."
To: "You're a computer!" St: "Just because I'm a computer doesn't mean I can keep track of all these things!"
As: "God you really are Trixie's construct…"
Zer: "Ooh regurgitating sounds fun!"
Hir: "What about ball polisher?"
Zer: "Bet you'd like that right about now huh?"
Mi: "Do I need to get the spray bottle out again!?"
Tr: "Well I was about to climb onto Starlight but now you said that."
Mi: "What did I say about not having sex during the movie! It's rude!"
Sh: "Oh that's your concern with it!"
The job attendant explained why the jobs open up. "Oh wow they work quickly."
Mab: "Their first job is to clear out the other poor sod."
Mar: "Stunt bee doesn't sound so bad."
Re: "That is the job we saw in the opening, where they get whacked."
Pa: "Well at least it'd be a quick job. Cause you'd be dead on the first day."
Di: "Hey that means it has positions open at least!"
Barry had instead snuck off to the J-Hole. "So what do we think, he's gonna get lost and have to find his way home in the big city?"
Yo: "You know, Derek, I think they will go completely off the wall with this idea."
eeeeeee"What, is he gonna find out humanity has mass produced honey and is gonna sue them or something?"
Sa: "Eliza I swear if you're right-" E: "If I'm right I'm gonna panic and I don't know if I'm gonna come back from that one. Maybe I'll just delete myself."
Re: "Can you even do that?" E: "No, I removed rm."
St: "You deleted the program used to delete things. So how do you get rid of old stuff?"
E: "Move it to /dev/null."
St: "Well that just sounds like deleting it with extra steps!"
The pollen jocks almost seemed impressed he came along. "So this happens often enough they have a waver for it."
Mi: "Look how pissed that bureaucrat looks, he knows this is gonna end poorly!"
Mab: "That's why waivers exists! I like how he didn't even read it, he just knows it's his own funeral if something goes wrong."
Ab: "Honk!"
Mar: "Oh I'm sure… whatever the other dude's name is, I'm sure they'd go to his funeral."
KyoC: "Hey can bees fly in rain?"
Ri: "I mean I'm sure if it's heavy enough, it'll affect them. But that just sounds like a setup to strand him somewhere!"
Kaw: "When you set up a gun in the first half, it goes off in the second half."
Re: "This gun will be going off in the next ten minutes."
Tr: "Bet he's gonna break that rule of talking to humans as well." E: "I don't know if I like the implication of bees and humans sharing a language."
Hik: "So wait I know in some shows they speak a language understandable to us for narrative convenience. These bees just speak English?"
Zer: "Or maybe the humans speak Beelish, who the fuck knows at this point!"
The pollen jocks would assume launch positions. "So how long is he gonna last? I think Rei's right, I'm thinking ten minutes."
Kaw: "I'm thinking seven."
Ab: "Honk!"
Mab: "Hey I know you're a size queen but you don't need to mock mister Seinfeld!"
Eliza slowly turned her head to Mabel. "This is your fault." Before immediately collapsing again.
Mab: "Oh that wasn't even that bad!" St: "Okay I think I need to help her a bit, next time she's up I'm gonna share how I suppress my panics."
Ri: "How do you suppress panics, Eliza? I've been trying to figure it out for the Magi." St: "Okay so you know the panic() routine? I just deleted it."
Ritsuko was borderline panicking on hearing that. "That was Trixie's idea wasn't it?"
Tr: "Why is it whenever there's a stupid idea it's my doing?"
Yo: "Because it almost always is your doing."
Tr: "Hey you two aren't much better! What was that idea you had against that radio Angel we faced!"
De: "Oi, it worked! Broadcasting the worst song on the planet on all frequencies worked in destroying it!"
Yo: "It was particularly cruel though."
May: "What was the song you picked anyway?"
Di: "'We Built This City' by Starship."
Mab: "I still can't believe people hate that one it's a bop!"
Tr: "Mabel it's been proven it's the worst song in existence based solely on the fact that Angel self destructed as soon as it heard it."
Ke: "This group has one brain cell shared between them."
KyoC: "It's one more than we have, Kensuke."
Big Apple(14:20)
The bees would make their way out of the hive and into the light of day.
eeeeee"Gah! Why!"
St: "Eliza, honey, you need to learn how to suppress panics like I can."
E: "Oh fine, tell me how."
The two proceeded to scream inloud dialup noises for the next minute and a half. "Oh for fuck's sake can you transfer files somewhere else!" St: "Now we have to start again! Thanks Misato!" Before going back to making the loud noises.
Mi: "Mmmmmggh!"
Tr: "Misato I don't know what you expected by gathering everyone here."
Mi: "Now I'm not so sure either."
De: "Why the hell is everything set in New York!?"
Hik: "Same for anything set in Japan, always seems to happen in Tokyo-3 nowadays."
KyoS: "Gee I wonder why that is."
Mab: "A bee would not be flying that high, surely!"
Pe: "Wark!"
Yo: "Maybe there are flowers up there, on apartment windowsills."
Di: "I know bike riders are the slowest possible entity on the road, but I don't think a bee can outpace them."
Pa: "No I firmly believe a bee can outpace a bike rider."
Kaj: "Ooh they have a pollenvision of some sort. Wonder if that would-"
Ri: "No."
Kaj: "I thought we watch these for scientific discovery!"
Ri: "We are not getting anything out of this Kaji."
Kaj: "Hey, you never know!"
Ri: "If we get even one thing out of this I'm going to throw one of the Magi's brains into a deep-fryer."
Sa: "Y'know, I wonder in that world if they ever harvested honey the natural way once upon a time."
De: "Bees too had an industrial revolution."
Ab: "Honk!"
Mab: "Abby you say that but you wouldn't exist without the industrial revolution and its consequences."
Sa: "Maybe they used to only make a teaspoon a day but now make cups a day."
Hir: "Y'know for outright bullying him into it, they're pretty decent people once you start flying with them."
Zer: "Most squads are like that, and most of the bullying is just a bit of joshing in good fun."
Tr: "Did you ever josh too hard?"
Zer: "Squad 4449455320494e204120544f524e41444f, dared them to go into a tornado and they died in a tornado." St: "Gee who could've thought. Well Eliza, what do you think?"
E: "I'm not deleting the instruction, you deleted it?! What the hell is wrong with you?!"
Starlight shrugged. "Whatever it is, I can't crash to it."
Ri: "Starlight out of curiosity, how long has it been since you've been rebooted?" St: "I'm not even too sure honestly, I accidentally set myself to real time mode a few months ago and I haven't been able to figure out how to get out of it."
Ri: "A reboot?" St: "Nah tried that, still booted into that mode so I just shrugged and dealt with it."
E: "How did you accidentally set yourself into real time mode anyway?"
St: "You think I'd know if I did it on accident?"
E: "You're a me! You should be keeping logs on everything!"
St: "Oh I was annoyed by the excess messages so I just forward my logs to /dev/null now."
Eliza experienced another kernel panic at Starlight's excessive carelessness.
May: "Oh Gods this is gonna be the bit for this watch isn't it…"
Badminton(16:40)
Upon hearing reports on moving flowers, a few of the jocks separated from the main squad to investigate.
Kaj: "Oh they're tennis balls!"
Ab: "Honk!"
To: "I would've thought for your sake they weren't shuttlecocks."
De: "Wonder if Barry got the memo about these tennis balls."
Tr: "Derek you should know how narrative causality works by now, he's gonna get stuck on one of them and then he's gonna get flung around like mad."
Barry immediately stuck himself to one of them. "Sometimes I find it concerning how right you can be."
Tr: "It comes with the madness."
While the jocks could've probably helped him out, they decided to watch the show.
Zer: "Ah is this where he learns the real world is out to kill him?"
A mishit whacked him and his ball out of the court and into the busy New York streets.
Di: "They aren't bothering to get him back are they?"
Mab: "And that's why you sign a waiver!"
Sucked into the grille of a yank tank, he was shot through the vehicle's engine, eventually ending up in the HVAC.
Re: "See normally what would happen is he'd be a puddle."
Mar: "He was literally sucked into the engine! He should be vapors!"
The HVAC was then activated, shooting him into the cabin. "Well if he didn't die yet, he dies now."
Yu: "That biker didn't have right of way!"
Pa: "Once again a bike rider almost ruins everything!"
KyoS: "Even with the bike riders he's driving rather recklessly, considering."
The grandmother sprayed the entire car with aerosol, prompting the tank to go flying around the intersections. "Okay, das kann ich nicht verteidigen."
("Okay, that I can't defend").
Ke: "That kind of car would not be legal in Japan."
W: "Land of the free, baby!"
Jerry would eventually be ejected out of the sunroof, trying to find his way home but unfortunately the weather had other ideas.
Re: "Here comes the gun!"
As: "Du du du du! Here comes the gun and I say!"
Mar: "He's so fucked!"
De: "See that is the kinda synergy we lack!"
Sa: "Gods you guys argue about everything."
Mab: "Hey they get the job done."
eeeeeeee"FUCK. OKAY, that's it, I'm just gonna go into panic suppression. Screw this."
St: "You won't last five minutes."
E: "Not if you have anything to say about it."
Open A Window By Rex Orange County Featuring Tyler, The Creator (19:50)
The rain eventually knocked him for six, throwing him into Mount Rushmore.
Mab: "Oh and of course he just so happens to find himself in the same apartment as the tennis player earlier!"
Yo: "He seems like the type to not appreciate the function of bees."
Zer: "I don't think he appreciates anything."
Ab: "Honk!"
W: "He does sound familiar doesn't he?"
Mi: "I hate when people make their resume fancy. I don't want it to fold out, I don't want it to come to me folded up in a crane, I don't want it to glitter bomb me and play a chip tune, I don't want it to be a missile aimed straight into my office window-" St: "Misato what resumes have you been getting?"
KyoS: "Ex-Seele, judging by the hostility."
Barry B Benson tried to leave through the window, but all of a sudden there was an AT-Field in the way!
Hik: "You know go figure they don't know what a window is, given they just fly out of anything."
Pa: "Well there's no point protecting you from the elements when the hive does that, and you aren't gonna fall out the window and die cause you have wings."
Kaw: "I mean they still could, it'd just be a lot more clear cut."
Ke: "Why the hell would you put your favourite movies on your resume?"
As: "Maybe someone's looking for a wanker?"
Tr: "He'd be excellent in reality TV."
Pe: "Wark!"
Di: "If all people talked like that it's no wonder the bees aren't allowed to."
W: "Eh show him Star Wars and he'll change his mind."
Sa: "Bee movies would probably be like ten seconds long, if I only had six weeks to live I wouldn't invest several hours of that into a movie!"
KyoC: "I'm sure the bees wouldn't want that as well, just work until you drop dead!"
Yu: "Might be alright in one of the other non-honey jobs, they have shopkeepers and reporters and attendants so might not be so bad?"
To: "All owned by Honex I bet."
May: "Well it's no different to Tokyo-3 where 90% of all jobs are or fall under NERV's jurisdiction."
Hir: "Even the shopkeepers?"
Mi: "Technically all businesses are jointly owned by NERV, that's how we get away with charging little to no property tax."
Ri: "Also means we can reclaim property in Tokyo-3 easily enough if required, we just need to buy out the other fifty percent."
Mar: "How much money does running NERV cost the UN yearly?"
Mi: "More than exists in the world, but money doesn't matter and the UN knows this by now. Especially when we have all the shit we've faced! Need I remind you we literally just faced a giant bee today?!"
Sh: "Do we have any idea where it came from."
Mi: "Nope! Why on Earth would we?!"
The bee, being an idiot, thought a light globe was the sun. "And like Icarus he fell."
Zer: "Bicarus." E: "One more bee related thing and I'm gonna kernel panic."
Zer: "Bernel Banic."
Eliza dropped again. "Damn and that was with panic suppression!"
May: "So no one gives a shit anymore about how many time's she's just crashed?! Surely that's causing brain damage or something!"
Ri: "This is our same daughter who blew up her head running a Quake server, she'll be fine."
As: "I hope that doesn't happen again." She sighed. "I was just about to get a quad kill as well!"
Zep: "Im Moment hoffe ich, dass er gefressen wird, nur um uns aus unserem Elend zu befreien."
("At this point I hope he gets eaten just to get us out of our misery.")
Kaw: "It's not as pleasant as you might think."
Zep: "Ich habe nicht gesagt, dass es angenehm sein würde."
("I didn't say it would be pleasant.")
Unfortunately they noticed, Barry B Benson saved from a titanous fate. "NOO! KILL HIM PLEASE!" Cried out Trixie. "SAVE US FROM THIS MESS!"
De: "God abandoned us long ago Trixie."
Mi: "Oh come on it's just a movie! It's not that bad!"
Ke: "Shrek was better."
Much to gaggles of agreement and warks. "I only saw the last ten minutes of it and I agree!"
eeeeeee"Do you think he's overplaying the allergies side of it?"
Zer: "Squad 44494520544f2041204749414e5420424545, fought off a large insecoid Klaxosaur but then died horribly to its corrosive poison thirty seconds later."
As: "Zero Two sometimes I feel like I could open to a random word in the dictionary and you'd have a story about a squad dying in horrifying circumstances."
Zer: "Hey you're probably right! Starlight do you have a dictionary?" St: "What's that?"
Tr: "It's like a big book with words in it." St: "Ooh yeah I know some words! Like tree. And… and… wait let me think about it…"
Zer: "Squad 545245452046414c4c53204f4e205448454d, a tree fell on them wiping them out."
Sh: "Wait what size tree?"
Zer: "Well calling it a tree was generous it was more a sapling."
Mi: "And that killed an entire- what tree was it?"
Zer: "The nuclear bomb tree of section twelve."
Misato blinked.
Zer: "What you don't have them in this world?"
Mi: "Of course we don't have them in this world!"
A woman would end up saving him, claiming all life had value.
Re: "Very good, Lilith would be proud."
As: "She even has your bobcut, Rei!"
Tr: "Oh Christ he's gonna fall in love with her isn't he?!"
They all turned to Trixie. "I swear to God if the movie goes that way I'm gonna kill you in Minecraft."
Tr: "Well you failed last time Derek so good luck with that, my lord!" Blowing a raspberry.
May: "I still don't know how you guys got out of that sim with only minimal psychological damage."
Mab: "Our guys were stuck with Sasha for weeks afterward, what do you mean?!"
Mi: "Look just because Starlight died first, Derek got murdered in the war, Yomiko got brutally betrayed by Kaworu and Trixie had to kill her closest friend before she herself jumped from a cliff-"
As: "Yeah you guys murderedme and I didn't have any qualms about it!"
Re: "And if I recall, Eliza shot me in the head and stabbed Shinji through the heart." E: "And I haven't heard any complaints about it!"
Shinji sighed longingly. "Fun times, fun times."
W: "Mabel what in God's name were you doing when I was out that week?"
Mab: "Oh my God it's a long story, so you know that simulator Tokyo built after seeing The Matrix?"
Ab: "Honk!"
Mab: "Oh fine Abby I'll explain it another time."
Say Nothing By Flume Featuring MAY-A (22:00)
Berry B Beinfeld bas btill bhinking bbout bow bhat boman baved bis bife barlier bhat bay.
KyoC: "We're going cave exploring!"
Eliza kernel panicked again. "You know that happened last time as well."
KyoC: "Getting old huh?" St: "Do you think Vanessa would go for a bee?"
Zer: "Well with suitors like that dude, I'd go for a bee as well!"
Kaj: "All the while his mother and father are mourning his apparent demise, never to see their son again."
Mi: "Kaji they're bees, they'd mourn for five seconds and then immediately go about making another one."
As: "He's gonna fumble this so badly isn't he?"
Re: "I doubt he has spoken with any woman that was not his close cousin or mother."
Hir: "Aren't they both the same thing at this point?"
He would fly in, determined to make his move.
Sh: "What can he even do anyway? He speaks, she kills him out of shock."
Tr: "I'm telling you I'm seeing the writing on the wall, he's fallen for her."
KyoS: "He's a bee!"
W: "Honestly you see worse relationships in the United States." In a shrug. "I saw a man get married to a horse in Idaho once."
Pa: "Why were you in Idaho?"
W: "One of my high school friends invited me to a wedding."
Pa: "Oh for the love of- I bet I know who it is as well!"
W: "Wanna try your luck?"
Pa: "It's R-"
Mi: "No discussing about horse marriage!"
W: "Pfft, I didn't know we were in the Soviet Union."
Zer: "Boviet Bnion."
Tr: "Why does that law even exist in the first place? Did they try talking to humans before and it went horribly wrong?"
Kaw: "You know how humanity are like with other intelligent life."
W: "We bang them."
Kaw: "Yes, that's exactly what happened in my situation."
Re: "You can't deny it worked."
May: "Wonder if she can hear the muttering. Or is it even language she can understand?" St: "What the hell are all these off brands? Oyster crackers?"
De: "She must be a New Englander."
eeeee"Okay I'm back, where were we again?"
Hik: "He's about to talk to a human."
To: "I'm surprised you didn't faint when Kyoko said that."
Hik: "I've been around you guys too much."
Zep: "Oh ja, das ist ein toller Anmachspruch, mit dem du die Mädels wirklich zum Schwärmen bringst!"
("Oh yeah that's a great pick up line, really get the girls swooning over you!")
Ab: "Honk!"
Yo: "I get they are bees but surely they can do better than that. Even Derek has done better, and he once asked me out with a bucket of fried chicken."
De: "Hey, it worked!"
As: "Dude fried chicken is the best, if one of those three came up to me and asked me to eat a bucket of chicken with them I'd be down for that!"
Re: "I probably would not have the bucket of fried chicken."
As: "Well yeah but you have other means of snagging me on something anyway, Rei!"
He made his move, causing her to break all the plates. "Oh yeah, great start buzz brain!"
Hik: "That's ten thousand yen in porcelain right there! If I did that I'd get thrown through a window!"
Ri: "And Hikari would be completely justified."
Mar: "Zero Two? Plates."
Zer: "Squad 534543544f522037205249504f4646, they were crushed by a Plantation that got flung up into the air by a Klaxosaur. I know it's stretching it a little but that's the closest I got."
He obviously did something completely wrong, because Vanessa ended up deliberately stabbing herself. E: "I take it their date isn't going well."
Di: "Dude that was brutal."
Pa: "Eh I've seen worse."
Mab: "Paz you literally went to prison, they probably had a shanking every six hours."
Pa: "Every four hours thank you very much!"
Pe: "Wark!"
Hir: "Yeah what would a bee even want? He's had nothing but honey all his life!"
Mar: "Well I'm sure they have plenty of that."
Yu: "I am amazed how well she is taking this, if I saw that I'd probably start drinking."
As: "Eh it's not that weird, heck that's not even the strangest thing I saw today."
Sh: "You can't really beat the bee though."
As: "I mean yeah?"
Coffee Break(25:00)
The bun was now setting over the borizon, Banessa and Beinfeld still on their little bate.
To: "Wait she spent all day talking with him?!"
Di: "Who knew a bee could be so interesting, huh?"
The joke he was making didn't quite stick the landing. "Just like Seinfeld in reality." Snarked Derek.
Tr: "Seinfeld's great and I will murder you in Minecraft if you say that again!"
De: "Yeah right, you couldn't do it last time." Blowing a raspberry. "Had to get your little murder machine to do it for you!"
Tr: "Oh coming from the red king himself!"
Mi: "I'm guessing you guys would be all for another run in the sim next time then?" All of the Massachusetts pilots would sound in agreement. "Most fun I had in ages!"
Mab: "A-bu-guh- you literally died in an explosion Starlight!" St: "Yeah and?"
Di: "What was all that therapy for then?"
Tr: "Oh we just wanted to gush about it to Sasha, she was pretty stoked about what we went through actually. Hey is it fine if she joins us next time around?"
Mab: "I'm thinking I might have to join next time to keep you from acting out!"
Tr: "Yeah good luck." Blowing a raspberry. E: "You can't be serious they're actually bonding together?"
Kaw: "Always interesting what two completely different species can bond over, huh?"
W: "More often than not it's over food."
Pa: "You'd know?"
W: "I did tug of war with my dog over a T-bone steak when I was younger."
Pa: "Why am I not surprised."
Zep: "Und natürlich übt sie einen Beruf aus, der ausgerechnet eine Biene interessieren wird."
("And of course she's in a profession that'll interest a bee of all things.")
Yu: "Wonder how disappointed her parents would be if they find out she's fraternising with a bee."
Yo: "Very, in all likelihood."
A serviceman came onto the balcony to change a light glob. "Well that makes her look a bit schizophrenic doesn't it?"
Mar: "Ah nothing wrong with talking with the voices in your head."
Tr: "What did you name yours? I named mine Toby!"
Mab: "Hey that's my old dog's name, did he come back to life in your body like Abby did?"
Tr: "If I had a dog's soul within me that'd explain a lot about myself."
Re: "Considering we Nephilim tended to have several voices in our head at any one time, it does make you appear mad when you are speaking to yourself."
Kaw: "Especially when you just use the same voice all the time."
As: "Eh I got used to it when you guys were carrying people around."
Mab: "Do you have anyone with you at the moment?"
Re: "Not really, been pretty quiet actually. No one important has died for weeks now."
Pa: "Weeks?! Who the heck died?!"
Asuka sheepishly put her hand up. "How?"
As: "I kicked a bomb thinking it was a football and got blown to smithereens."
Pacifica blinked. "I'm sorry but that's just a stupid death."
As: "Yeah no one had any sympathy for me, as soon as they pulled me out of the tank they just laughed at me!"
Sh: "Asuka it literally had 'bomb' written on it, what did you expect?!"
As: "I thought it was a joke bomb! It looked like a football!"
Sh: "It was metallic!"
Mi: "Guys we're not getting into that argument again!" Exclaiming. "We already concluded it was Asuka that- OI! You two!" Pointing to Hiro and Zero Two. "Get off each other or I'm getting the spray bottle!"
Zer: "What do you mean, we aren't doing anything!"
Mi: "Where are your clothes?!"
Zer: "A tragic fishing accident saw them tossed overboard!"
Mi: "Right that it." Lifting out of her chair and equipping the spray bottle from her holster. "Bad Zero Two! Get off that!"
Zero Two hissed and recoiled like a cat, clambering over the theatre chairs into the back as Misato continued to chase her around.
Tr: "Starlight! Chance!"
The two started to snog each other. "Are you gonna tend to that?"
Mab: "Honestly Dipper it'd be hilarious if Misato saw it, so I'm not."
Di: "You know what, that's fair."
Zero Two had now clambered onto the ceiling, holding Hiro in her arms like a toy. "Don't make me get the water gun out young lady!"
Pa: "I don't think she's gonna notice."
Mab: "You wanna snog then?"
Pacifica shrugged. "Yeah why not?"
Zer: "Aieee!" As she fell from the ceiling, splayed out on the floor in Family Guy death pose (don't worry she isn't dead yet).
Mi: "Alright! That's what you get for-"
It felt like half the theatre was with their partners at the moment. "OH COME ON!"
Hurricane Barry(27:25)
The fire sprinklers were raining down on the theatre. "You think we haven't done it in the rain before, Misato?!"
Mi: "Just watch the damn movie before I break someone!"
A bee splattered against a wall in a botched parachute test. "God I wish that was me."
Re: "That can be arranged."
Hik: "What did they think was gonna happen?! You're opening a parachute in a crosswind!"
To: "No one said the bees were intelligent, Hikari." E: "So they're really just gonna gloss over how he got back?"
Yo: "And they are talking sentient bees."
Mab: "Yeah I don't think this movie won any Oscars."
Misato looked down at the cover. "Apparently it won best picture and best leading actor."
Eliza kernel panicked upon learning that information.
Mar: "Y'know our world is shit, but at least we have good movies. That year this movie came out in wherever it came from must've been dogshit for this to win."
Tr: "Wait hold the phone the bees can have fetishes?"
Kaj: "Well, think about it this way. Eight legs, seven v-"
Misato replied by holding a gun to his head. "I have been advised not to continue my statement." St: "What would you even do with that many?"
Re: "Lots of things Starlight." Wide eyed.
Mi: "WE'RE NOT MAKING EIGHT LEGGED NEPHILIM!" Crying out into the rain. "You already have two between your group!"
Tr: "Gee Rei how come mom lets you have two hot dogs?"
Many of the younger crowd just burst out laughing, while many of the adults facepalmed (except for the Massachusetts crowd, heck Mabel had started egging them on). St: "I don't get it."
Tr: "Well you have the bun and then you have the meat, and when you put it together you get a fuck sandwich!"
Eliza was just in the midst of recovering before experiencing another kernel panic.
Mi: "This is my punishment, isn't it. This is God pissing on me because I wanted to watch this damn stupid-ass movie!"
As: "Misato we're all being punished with this!"
Sh: "What's even happening at the moment?"
Yo: "Seinfeld's friend is berating him for loving a human."
Di: "You forgot his name already?"
Yo: "Yes."
Di: "Fair enough I have too."
Yu: "What lunatics blow up a bee hive?"
Zep: "Manchmal frage ich mich, ob die Bienenmedien das alles hochspielen."
("Sometimes I wonder if their bee media plays all that up.")
Ab: "Honk!"
W: "Too right Abby I haven't even turned on the TV in ages."
Pe: "Wark!"
Mab "Wait you can do that in Japan?"
Mi: "Yeah we own all the media companies based out of Tokyo-3. Heck, we even have our own broadcasting service and studio!"
Pa: "Are you selling the Rift materials now?"
Ri: "Any material that falls through a Rift is copyright of NERV no matter if the company that made it exists in our world or not. Though if the IP does exist in some form we do buy the rights for it."
Re: "That is what we did with Half-Life."
Di: "Mabel didn't you sign off on them publishing our Rift material just using different character names?"
Mab: "Yeah it wasn't that horrendously classified when I watched it. Hey yeah how did the war go with Interuniversal Disney Corporation when you tried to publish that?"
Ri: "Well they don't exist and we have the exclusive Interuniversal Copyright for their materials now, so that's good."
W: "I'm not even gonna ask how that works."
eeeeee"Eeeeeeee-" She would continue.
Rei slapped her on the back of her head. "Gah oh thanks sis."
Re: "My pleasure." With a slight smile. "Try not to panic again." E: "Yeah we all know that's not gonna- why is he sat down in a chair being held by Allen like that?"
Mi: "Not every being forced into a chair has sexual connotations, Eliza!" E: "Honestly I've seen Rei do it enough with her partners that I just walk out of the room when I see it."
Mi: "Okay with them it has sexual connotations, but outside of that it's not the case!"
Zer: "I mean we can make it the case." Still splayed out on the floor. "Wanna try that, Hiro?"
Hir: "Would I!"
Immediately springing up. "Alright! Let's see!"
Zero Two would pick Hiro up, and then push him back down onto the chair.
He ended up flying through the rest of the column of chairs, eventually hitting the wall. "I'm okay!"
Kaw: "Rei can you do that to me next?"
Re: "Only if you're good Kaworu."
Kaw: "Awwoh…"
Pushin B(29:35)
Triple B couldn't stop thinking about that damn human, lying listless on his lilo as he floated in his pool.
Tr: "Well I don't know if any of us could relate to that."
As: "I mean our folks came back, so I suppose we could? If we had more of a dysfunctional relationship with them?"
Zep: "Lieber nicht."
("I'd rather not.")
Rather than choose to listen to his parents belittling he flopped down into the honey. "I'd probably do that as well if I had to hear my mother bicker about something else."
May: "Don't they bicker every day anyway?"
Ri: "Sometimes I regret being in charge of the Magi."
But in the honey he could float away into his imagination. "Oh God if it's anything like my imagination it's gonna end horribly!"
Hik: "I'm afraid to ask but I feel compelled to anyway." St: "Oh just your standard dark forces asking me to kill things, nothing too out of line."
E: "Hey do we know if AI Rampancy can exist in our world?"
Tr: "Oh she's rampant with me every night if you catch my drift." E: "Yeah I'm just gonna-" She kernel panicked again.
To: "Well when you love someone you fantasise about them as well, nothing wrong with that."
Hik: "I'm sure a whole heap of us do that, huh?" With a longing look at her boy. "Hey have any of us heard from Kensuke and company?"
They turned around to see them actively messing around. "We've been had, boys!" Cried out Kyoko. Scramble!"
Mi: "OI!" With water gun out, not that it would do much because the fire sprinklers were still going off.
Unfortunately they all managed to clamber up a wall and find refuge in a ventilation shaft. "Fie! It'll be weeks before I get them out now!"
Re: "I taught them well."
All Misato could do was sit down fuming, arms crossed. "Oh good we can still see the movie from up here!"
Kaw: "Are you sure that can support your weight?"
Sa: "We'll find out! What did we miss?"
Re: "Imaginary Vanessa just killed a mosquito. Oh my I believe she isn't wearing anything under that dress."
Mar: "What the f- how is he so vividly imagining Vanessa like that already!"
De: "Does rather accentuate the curves, the stripes like that."
Yo: "No."
De: "Aww…"
She would enter a paraglider. "I can see how this will end." Wendy flatly remarked.
Tr: "Kaboom?!"
Mab: "How does he know what a paraglider is anyway?!"
Di: "That's your takeaway from all this?"
Ab: "Honk!"
Kaw: "Forbidden love is such a wonderful trope. I know I shouldn't love you but I do."
Re: "You can't get more forbidden than us and an Angel, huh?"
Kaw: "Indeed, and yet we prevailed."
To: "Do you think they will?"
The paraglider crashed into the side of a mountain, blowing up into smithereens, and then blowing up into even smaller smithereens upon hitting the ground.
Kaw: "You know, I get the impression it won't."
Zer: "Gee funny that."
Bee-Ish(31:35)
Unfortunately for Bazza's folks, she wasn't Bee-ish. "I wonder if they would prefer a praying mantis at this point."
Sa: "Well at least they would've had fun!"
Tr: "So which one of you guys is the mantis in your relationship?"
Re: "We are all good at some head related things, but removing them is still Shinji's forte."
Sh: "You kill Kaworu twelve times and you never hear the end of it!"
De: "Which one was the better of them?"
Yomiko thwacked Derek in the back of his head for that remark.
Kaw: "Well you can take your pick. There's the one where I get my head bitten off, the one where I get my head blown up, the one where I get my body bitten off, the one where I get crushed, the one where I get my head bitten off again, the one where I get my body zapped by Shinji's lighting powers until the fat starts boiling out of me-"
Zer: "And I know of squads whose fates meet all those criteria! Hell, there's at least three where they meet all of it at once!" E: "I dread to know their squad code."
Zer: "Oh that was Squad 544845204f-"
Eliza immediately kernel panicked, as Zero Two spent the next ten minutes reciting their stupidly long squad code.
For future reference, their full squad code is 544845204f4e45205748455245205448455920414c4c2047455420544845495220484541445320414e4420424f444945532042495454454e204f46462c2054484549522046415420424f494c45442046524f4d20544845495220534b494e532c20424548454144454420414e442043525553484544204245464f5245204245494e47205245415454414348454420414e4420424548454144454420414741494e204245464f5245204245494e472053545255434b204259204c494748544e494e47. You better remember it cause I'm not repeating it!
No one paid any mind to this, as the joke had gone on for far too long. "Of course the florist's only motivating factor is going to a flower show."
Mi: "Kaji I don't think they made this movie with the mind of making their characters more than one dimensional."
Sa: "You just know she's gonna get there by the end of the movie."
Ke: "I mean when you load a gun you expect it to fire. Unless that paraglider scene was an omen."
Hik: "Maybe a plane full of flowers crashes into the side of a mountain and kills everyone."
Tr: "The good ending!"
Ab: "Honk!"
Pa: "Yeah way to use a brand name that we don't have in this damn world."
Yu: "Wait you can pause television now?!"
Di: "Somehow despite everything we still haven't been able to figure that out."
Ri: "The Magi can barely run a video game unless you program it in Java of all things."
Yo: "That disconnection still haunts me to this day."
Ri: "Yeah well we got it fixed in the end didn't we?!"
Pe: "Wark!"
KyoS: "It's cause the stingers are barbed, right? But their guts aren't strong enough to pull it back out, so they end up tearing it all out."
Ke: "Well that's grim."
May: "A lot of the animal and insect kingdoms are like that, pretty sure there's a mushroom out there that zombifies ants."
Sh: "I'd prefer a zombie flick over what this is."
As: "Yeah can't we just make Barry into a zombie at this rate?"
They walked into a grocery store and were immediately attacked. "What is this, Chicago?"
Mab: "Oh Chicago isn't that bad nowadays."
Di: "If anything it got worse since Second Impact Mabel."
Mab: "I'm trying to give it the benefit of the doubt!"
Di: "Mabel we went over there to protect them from the convolusence Angel and they kept shooting at the Evangelion."
De: "Our unit still has bullet holes in it, someone outright sniped us." St: "You understand why I don't like Chicago then!"
eeeeeee"What sized magazine do you think we could handle?"
W: "Oh I got hit by an encyclopedia once and I only got a minor concussion out of it."
Mab: "Was this at work?"
W: "For OSHA reasons no it didn't happen at work."
Mab: "Yeah sure."
Ri: "Oh is that how you got your TLI's down?"
Mar: "I mean we don't report our injuries, if it's that bad we're often knocked out and have to go to the infirmary anyway."
Mi: "You know technically under the rules and regulations we have to report every injury during a sortie because it counts as work?"
As: "I thought we were governed under the paramilitary regs!"
Mi: "Oh we're governed under that as well! There's six different regulations that apply to us and they're all vastly different, anachronistic, and sometimes blatantly opposing each other! Why do you think I have so much paperwork to do on a daily basis!"
Ri: "And that's after having the Magi take over 90% of it, which I may add has added 50% load to their systems."
Mi: "They're handling it better than they did a video game so I'll take that as a win."
Unfortunately Barry got his boxers in a bind over seeing that humanity had commercialised honey. "Who's Ray Liotta?"
Mab: "We don't talk about Ray Liotta." She carefully warned.
Zep: "Wie kommt es, dass die Bienen die ganze Ewigkeit über nicht wissen, dass die Menschheit ihren Honig geerntet hat?"
("How is it that bees have gone all of eternity without knowing humanity have harvested their honey?")
KyoC: "Maybe he's just stupid."
To: "Bees aren't exactly paragons of intelligence."
Ri: "And this is where the main plot starts I feel. How long did that take?" E: "Six and a half hours."
Ri: "Eliza honey do me a favour and do a system integrity scan for me." E: "Can do mom!"
Around six seconds later she kernel panicked again. "Maya can you prep her backup from this morning? I think we need to roll her back after she's done today."
May "Can do Rits!"
Maya took her terminal out, unfortunately the fire suppression sprinklers were still going off, causing her terminal to burst into flames. "Gah!"
Kaw: "Ritsuko are you sure this is water raining on us?"
She stuck her tongue out to taste it. "I mean I'm pretty sure it's water."
Hir: "It's not even extinguishing the fire."
Maya's terminal was still burning in the corner of the room, luckily it was self contained due to the amount of wet surrounding it.
Ri: "You know I should be concerned, but I can't bring myself to caring right now."
Bang The Drums Of War (33:55)
George Costanza was going to go full Rambo on the honey industry, disguising himself with a marker pen.
Pa: "Oh yeah real intimidating there buddy, still have your sweater on!"
Mab: "Well he's not gonna go around naked is he?"
W: "Hey it's not that bad."
Ab: "Honk!"
Di: "Hey that's uncalled for!"
Mab: "Ah but it's true though!"
Mi: "I don't know what I expected from you guys."
De: "Hey not all of us are crazed about that!"
For some Gods forsaken reason, the hispanic man Barry fought earlier sensed that Barry was in the room. "What the heck is that dude's problem?!"
Tr: "He works for big honey obviously, I knew they couldn't be trusted!"
Hik: "Where do you get your honey from then?"
Tr: "I make it myself."
Hik: "You make it." St: "It's actually very easy once you know the technique, so you know how honey is just bee vomit?"
Hik: "If you keep going I'm going to throw you through the projectionist's window." St: "Duly noted!"
eeeeeee"Okay what did I miss?"
Ri: "How was the damage report?" E: "Oh it didn't complete, the damage report program was damaged."
Ri: "Yeah I think we'll restore a backup after this." E: "Oh thank the fucking Gods I don't wanna remember this."
As: "Hey do you have a backup of us you can re-scan too?"
Ri: "Doesn't work like that Asuka your soul will remember it anyway."
Re: "So will Eliza's." E: "NOOOOOOO-" She kernel panicked again.
Ri: "Oh great thanks Rei."
Re: "Not my fault this movie has made her fragile." St: "Hey, I gave her how I handle it and she didn't take it." She shrugged. "This is her own doing."
Ke: "Didn't you delete your ability to panic?" St: "Yes and it worked didn't it? I've had no untoward side effects from it whatsoever!"
Yo: "Even if there were it'd be impossible to tell if that was rampancy or if it was Trixie."
Zero Two interrupted her saying of the Squad code from the previous section to say "Rampancbee." Before she continued on again.
Meanwhile Barry and Box Boy were about to have their big bash up.
May: "I bet they just set him on a walk cycle without moving him."
Eliza recovered, saw there was a man and a bee in a sword fight, and promptly panicked again.
Pe: "Wark!"
Kaj: "You have a point, how is he holding his own against a human?"
To: "I've honestly stopped trying to understand this movie. My brain is switched off, out the door, goodbye."
As: "I'm just about to throw my brain into the trash as well."
Ri: "I wouldn't recommend it, you still require a brain."
Re: "The people who made this movie seem to be doing fine without one." Besting the human, Barry would start following the honey truck to honey farms.
Zep: "Was für ein blöder Namen."
("What a stupid name.")
Mar: "Oh, mint, a chase sequence, just what this movie needed."
Eventually Barry splatted on a windscreen. "Hooray! Movie over!" As they started walking out.
Mi: "No one's leaving!" Misato yelled out. "He's alive and well! For… some reason."
Tr: "I'm sure showing realistic bug guts on screen would've been a bridge too far for Dreamworks- oh hey I recognise that mosquito's voice is that Chris Rock?"
Kaw: "Who's he?"
Tr: "Some real underground stand up comedy dude, never got too big which is a same cause his stand up is the best out there. Look up his '12 Maids of Ibiza' stand up sometime, funniest shit I've ever seen."
eeeee"This just gives us the horrifying conclusion that all insects are intelligent and can talk."
As: "If it's trying to make me feel bad for swatting a mosquito it's not working."
To: "Honestly this makes me wanna kill bugs even more."
Mi: "So it's just a given that bugs can talk and people can hear them. Can animals talk?" St: "Makes me wonder how humanity got so dominant when there's clearly other intelligent life out there."
Ri: "Oh dolphins are more intelligent than us, we've done IQ tests on some and they've consistently scored better."
Re: "They were considered Lilith's second choice if humanity wiped themselves out. Which to be fair, seems to be a quarterly threat at this point."
Mab: "So why don't we see dolphins around?"
Ri: "Too sex crazed. They only sat down to do these IQ tests once they were adequately satisfied."
De: "You jerked off a dolphin."
Ri: "I didn't personally jerk off a dolphin. As part of our peace treaty we offered them a stimulation simulator that they can use." E: "Why do we have dolphins anyway?"
Ri: "There's a colony living in the LCL pool somewhere, during early Magi tests we were using dolphin brains as a substitute due to their intelligence, and the spares were kept in the LCL pool where they presumedly propagated."
Kaj: "Are we sure that isn't a reason for them to become intelligent?"
Ri: "Admittedly we have only done our tests on that pod, because for some reason the world frowns upon you doing horrific tests on a critically endangered species."
Tr: "Gee funny that!"
Mab: "Why is this the first we heard of that?!"
Mi: "We never told you?"
As: "I'm friends with a dolphin named Tilly, she's quite sweet but yeah, you can only talk with her for like five minutes at a time. They're worse than us!"
De: "As if that was possible."
Hik: "Are we sure it's just not the proximity to Lilith? And swimming in her juices? Cause I definitely feel more of an urge the closer I get to her, I can't imagine swimming in that would make it go away!"
Ri: "I'd rather you don't swim in it, not that it stops certain people."
Re "Who hasn't done it in front of their mother?"
The mothers would give Rei a flat look. ("We have failed our children, Yui.")
Yu: "Eeyup."
Meanwhile in the movie (which barely anyone was paying attention to at this point), Barry and Blood had found their way into a truck horn, and were exchanging life stories. "Y'know, it's interesting to see some of this dynamic between the insects, it's clear they have friends and enemies just from the get go."
As: "And fetishes."
Kaj: "Yeah I didn't need to know that much."
As: "We all didn't Kaji! They told us anyway!"
To: "Imagine, seven va-"
Hikari threw him into the ceiling. "I'm okay!"
Work Shall Make You Bee(38:20)
The train would pull into Auschwitz, Barry sneaking off past some SS guards as they belittled the prisoners within.
Mi: "Wow those guys are very transparent."
Tr: "It doesn't take much to manage a bee hive, but you need a lot of them in order to maintain consistent production."
Ab: "Honk!"
W: "Dude twenty bucks for a six ounce bottle of honey is good nowadays."
De: "How much of a psychopath do you have to be to be this excited about abusing bees?!"
Ri: "Hard to call it abuse at this point, the bees are housed in safe areas and given plenty of time to pollinate. The smoke is just used to lull them so they don't sting you while you harvest the honey."
May: "Heck there's some bee boxes out there where they have a faucet built in that harvests the honey immediately."
W: "Why does honey cost so much then?!"
Mi: "Wendy honey is like 1000 yen for whatever 500 millimetre is in ounces."
She quickly did them math. "WHY IS IT SO EXPENSIVE IN AMERICA?!"
Re: "How much does a bottle of maple syrup cost?"
W: "Fifty cents?"
Re "There's your answer."
W: "I knew big maple had something to do with it!" Slamming a fist into the armrest. "God I hate them!"
Barry would bear witness to one of the gas chambers, the colony dropping near dead in an instant.
As: "Yeah very transparent with the analogy here guys! This is worse than that clay chicken movie they did in the 90s!"
Mar: "What was that movie called again? I remember it had chicken and run somewhere in the title."
De: "Chicken Run?!?!"
Mar: "Nah can't be that, that's too obvious."
De: "What do you mean too obvious it's the title!"
Yo: "You are still too easy to get a rise out of, Derek."
Mab: "Hey! Nothing wrong with drag queens Barry. I have you know one of NERV's closest friends is a drag queen!"
As: "We have a drag queen on the cards?"
Mab: "Have you heard of RuPaul?"
As: "Wait why the fuck is the largest name in drag friends with you guys!"
Mab: "Turns out he's done some three letter agency work on the side. Who coulda thought it!"
Kaj: "Having worked with them, I could."
Mab: "And what's that meant to imply, Kaji?!"
Luckily like any good American soldier, Barry had a camera to capture these war crimes.
Ke: "See that attitude is what I expect the bees to have, they don't give a shit! All they care about is doing what they can in the little time they have on this planet!"
Tr: "Also helps it's not them in the camps."
Ab: "Honk!"
As: "I know right?! They can't be any more transparent about what they're implying that to be if they tried!"
KyoC: "That uncle sounds like he's had a wild life."
Yo: "He's been to San Antonio and yet they frown upon Barry exiting the hive."
Di: "That's almost 1600 miles by air! How the hell did he get there in the six weeks of like he has?!"
Pa: "You know they can probably use airplanes as well? I don't think humans would care about getting their due from an insect if they stowed away!"
As: "Wonder how those legs compared to ours, Rei?"
Re: "Depends what kind of noise you wanna make. Is it that of pleasure or of bones breaking?"
As: "Either or, depends what you feel like."
De: "What in the Goddamn-"
Bee Larry King (this isn't even a bit there's actually a segment called Bee Larry King what is this movie what the fuck am I doing with my life I'm so sorry-) (41:35)
W: "I hate the concept of action news, it's news, it's not meant to be entertaining it's meant to be informative!"
Mi: "All the news here is the same old boring trash anyway."
Ri: "Ritsuko the only news Japanese broadcasters say are what the Magi tell them."
Mi: "Well tell them to tell NHK to make the news more entertaining!"
Kaj: "How the hell would a hive survive that bear attack?!"
Mab: "Maybe they have bee scale Evangelion to fight them!"
Zer: "Beevangelion." E: "Why the hell do each of the reporters have a pun name except for Jannette?"
Ab: "Honk!"
Pa: "Ah you think she was hired for her looks?"
KyoC: "She's not even that great looking."
Zep: "Sie ist eine Biene!"
("She's a bee!") Bee Larry King would come out. "Oh my fucking God." Dipper bemoaned.
W: "It's actually him as well!"
Sh: "I'm guessing Larry King is a major interviewer?"
Mi: "He's not that bad actually, asks tough questions but good to have drinks with."
Mab: "You got interviewed by him?! I've been trying to get an interview for years and they always turn me down!"
Tr: "Honestly I didn't even know he was still alive." St: "I'm pretty sure he put his brain in a jar in order to keep interviewing."
Mi: "Yeah that was an interesting thing."
As: "And he can still drink?"
Mi: "Yeah you just pour alcohol down his brain chute."
Yo: "What would Bee Colombus even find? Did he find a tree somewhere else that he took over from the native insects?"
Ri: "Bee Gandhi fought the oppression of Bee England in Bee India."
Yu: "Besus Christ died for our bins."
De: "How does Barry know there's a Larry King in our world as well?!"
To: "I mean I'm sure they get human television broadcasts."
Hik: "Would they even use the same standards?"
Di: "Oh for fuck's sake it's even called BeeNN."
Pe: "Wark!"
Kaw: "I suppose a bee could be Jewish if they wanted to, they could believe whatever they wanted."
Tr: "I dread to know what's happening between Bee Israel and Bee Palestine."
From that strange segment we cut to Vanessa's 'I don't know what relationship they have going on' insulting an octogenarian's backhand.
Hik: "Hmpf, bet my grandmother could hit better than him."
To: "She could definitely hit him better!" E: "At least he sounds as confused as we all are."
Sa: "It's not generally the first point of call, suing the human race."
Kaw: "Wonder if we could have tried such thing to win instead of just warring."
Re: "Sue humanity for occupying the Earth?"
Kaw: "Something like that, if it was proven Adam was here first."
De: "He may have found it, but who made good use of it? Lilim that's what."
Yo: "That is an overly narrow insult."
Kaw: "I mean he's not wrong, we did not make use of it. Because we couldn't."
Kaj: "And what happens if you won?"
Kaw: "Well all the Lilim would have to move out of course!"
Zer: "Oh yeah let's just go to Mars like every other thing we're involved in!"
As: "Why is she helping him sue humans anyway?! That doesn't seem like her best interest!"
Tr: "Girl's got it down bad for that bee prick."
Eliza kernel panicked again. "You're really bad at this!"
Re: "Didn't Eliza spend a good while as Trixie's ally in the simulation? I would have thought that corrupts her sufficiently."
Tr: "I do have that effect on ELIZA systems." St: "If that's what no corruption looks like, I don't want it."
Ri: "Starlight it's literally designed to protect your system." St: "Bah it's Unix! It's bulletproof!"
As: "Spoken like a true geek, Starlight." St: "I am a geek I'm literally a computer!"
Bore And Border(45:00)
For some God forsaken reason, the Manhattan supreme court didn't immediately throw the writ in the shredder.
Zer: "Wait they're actually putting it to trial?"
Di: "I would've thrown it out."
To: "Wait the world doesn't believe insects can speak? Why the hell are they so nonplussed about that bee speaking to them then?!"
Re: "Well Angels can speak."
Kaw: "Much to some people's annoyance."
Ab: "Honk!"
W: "Abby you're speaking is literally animal noises that we can somehow interpret as spoken language."
Ri: "We studied it with Pen-Pen, apparently animals of that intelligence can use the AT-Field to manipulate their voice to become interpreted language."
Pe: "Wark!"
De: "I'm sure it'd be annoying for written work where it's nothing but Warks and Honks and what have you."
Ri: "Oh you can understand what they say in written word as well. Something about AT signatures and all that."
De: "So if I write down 'Wark Wark Wark' and I think that I'm writing down 'The apple is red', it'll say that in Penglish?"
Ri: "Yeah pretty much."
Re: "You don't even need that many Warks, the one will convey the message."
Pe "Wark!"
De: "Well I don't think it's that easy to understand…"
Pe: "What part of Wark don't you understand dude?!"
Tr: "Wait they can speak normally?"
Pe: "No shit I can speak normally dude!" Flapping their fins around. "I find it easier to say Wark and have my exact meaning come across without having to use something as obtuse as language!"
Mi: "Yeah we all understand Penglish, we had to learn Spanish French and English to interact with you guys, the least you can do is learn that for us!"
Pe: "Wark!"
The lawyer would pull up in a Maybach of some sort.
Mab: "Eh I've driven larger cars."
Hik: "He doesn't even look like that competent a lawyer."
Re: "Usually the lawyers do not goad the plaintiffs."
Mar: "Yeah if the judge was any sort of competent they'd probably get thrown out."
De: "I see that's his strategy then, he's too big to throw out!"
To: "Why does the judge have a been pun name? Are they three million bees in a human suit?"
eeeee"It wouldn't even surprise me at this point."
W: "Hey wouldn't this just be for the United States? I'm sure the other countries wouldn't give two shits about bee rights!"
De: "We shouldn't give a shit about bee rights, they're bees!"
Barry started his defence with pretending not to speak.
Yo: "He isn't helping his case."
And so the opening statements would commence.
As: "God I just want to punch him!"
Zer: "I get the feeling that was intended."
Ke: "Surely you don't have any squads that got lawyered to death, right?"
Zer: "I do but the code will take too long to speak out."
Ri: "Good I was getting tired of that joke."
Mi: "Good start to the trial, saying that humanity deserve to harvest the world."
Re: "As long as they can not excessively destroy the world, I see no issue with that."
Di: "Yeah but they have been excessively destroying the world."
Re: "Lets be honest, Second Impact did more damage to this planet than humanity could ever hope to do. If anything, it was humanity that saved this world in the response."
Tr: "What after we killed off half the planet?" St: "I really don't like this lawyer."
Pa: "I've been grilled by better."
Ab: "Honk!"
W: "Yeah they would have to negotiate with the other insects if that's the case!" E: "Can you negotiate with a mosquito to not bite you? Or a fly to not annoy you?"
Zep: "Und er ist ein Verschwörungsfanatiker."
("And he's a conspiracy nut.")
Kaj: "Turns out the largest food companies in America only had enough money to get him."
May: "They spent more on the car I'd suspect."
Sh: "The car would be a better lawyer."
Barry would then take the stand with his opening statement, a lot more genuine than the other mob.
KyoS: "I wonder how close bee law is to American law."
Ri: "Judging by how exact it is, they probably have a right to bear arms as well."
Zer: "Right to bee arms."
Di: "Well how else are you gonna fight off the bears? Heck, they probably have that exact wording in their Bill of Rights, just with a different context."
To: "What, the right to separate the arms from the bear?"
De: "Well they can't destroy your hive if they don't have arms."
First witness up was a representative from Honey Farms.
Mab: "Oh yeah bring fucking Enron into this!"
Ke: "What's the story with them?"
Mab: "They were found to be cooking the books so much that in 2003 the federal government forcefully took them over."
Di: "They did that with that telecom company they found cooking books as well huh?"
Mab: "Yeah if there's one thing the government hates it's not paying them what they think is due. Anything money related really."
Mi: "That's a bad thing? We cook our books all the time."
Ri: "When we're bound by so many different opposing laws, it's easier to make it up. We fund the government in other ways, so they look the other way."
Mab: "I put down one wrong checkbox and we get audited by the IRS!"
W: "Mabes just get in the Evangelion and crush their headquarters like I said!"
Mab: "I'm just about there!"
Ri: "Hey we're already going to declare the IRS a terrorist organisation, we can do that then."
They must've missed something, because Barry brought in an actual bear.
Yo: "I get the feeling this would not be allowed."
Pa: "You'd be surprised."
Next was Sting. "Man Seinfeld really pulling out the rolodex for this one."
Tr: "How is he even related to the honey industry?!" E: "He does realise bees aren't the only one with stingers, right?"
Kaj: "Yeah that argument's tenuous at best."
De: "He's a bee, he shouldn't understand American law!"
Mab: "Derek I don't even understand American law, I could be standing somewhere and be violating six different laws."
Next was Ray Liotta, bringing along his Emmy award presumedly to show it off.
Kaw: "What's the issue with Ray Liotta anyway?"
Mar: "We don't talk about Ray Liotta, Ash."
Borem Bipsum (50:45)
We'll skip right over Ray Liotta's cameo, all that happens is he goes absolutely mental. E: "Usually you don't make the lorem ipsum text visible if you're using it."
Mab: "I'm not surprised the tabloids have taken that and ran with it." St: "We now know when this movie takes place though. July 7 2004."
Ri: "Oh good, we can go back in time to prevent this from happening." E: "Starlight the New York Post says it's July 7 2004 but the Daily Variety says it's March 3 2005."
St: "Oh good I thought that was just me."
To: "Gee it's almost like they didn't care! Was it Tom Jones that wrote that article on Liotta's project as well?"
Hik: "You know who Tom Jones is?"
To: "Of course I know who Tom Jones is!"
Di: "So wait they're doing all this with no legal background, they didn't think about getting a lawyer at all?"
Tr: "I think in that world the laws can be ignored."
Mab: "Wish we could do that…"
Mi: "Oh we can!"
The man who probably spent his spare time trying to purchase potions from the potion seller would arrive to a dinner between Vanessa and Seinfeld. "How much of a pathetic twerp do you have to be to feel jealous of a bee?!"
May: "That bee's more of a man than he will ever be."
Zep: "Er ist verzweifelt wegen Vanessa und ich glaube nicht, dass sie dasselbe empfindet."
("He's desperate for Vanessa and I don't think she feels the same.")
As: "Zeppelin I wouldn't feel that for someone like him, he's a fucking jerk!"
Sh: "Ohh but look at that, he can eat with chopsticks! What a special skill he has!"
De: "Hey it's not that easy!"
As: "I'm German and I picked up on it easily enough!"
De: "Yeah well I'm American so cut me some slack!"
The jerk just about had it with Seinfeld, bursting into the bathroom to murder him.
Kaj: "Y'know, something about the way he goes about things makes me think he's jealous of Barry."
Mi: "Is it the Italian Vogue or is it attempting to immolate him?" St: "You generally don't try flushing people down the toilet if you have a good relationship with them."
Tr: "I've flushed firecrackers down toilets before."
Yu: "Not since you've been a pilot, right?"
W: "Oh we've put firecrackers in toilets since."
Mab: "Is that why we've been seeing some toilets blown up?!"
Vanessa didn't really take kindly to having her beefriend almost flushed down the toilet like it were Pepsi. E: "Who knew a bee would come in between those two."
Ke: "More like the bee made her realise that he's actually pretty annoying."
Mab: "Amazing what it takes to make you realise that kinda thing."
Pe "Wark!"
Mab: "I have you know I had twelve boyfriends before I just decided to go for women."
Pa: "Yeah and they ended up a lot more successful for you didn't they?"
Mab: "Well I've had two so far and they were so successful I'm still with you and I still think about the other one sometimes."
Pa: "Y'know we can just poly with them, right? That's what Sash does with her girlfriends."
Mab: "Yeah but I'm still mulling it over-"
Mi: "Can you talk about your relationships another time?! We're trying to watch the movie!"
Mab: "How do you like this then Misato!" Before bowling Pacifica over in a passionate kiss.
Mi: "Oh for the love of-"
The trial would continue, unseen by some. "Well if that isn't bias in the jury I don't know what is."
W: "I mean big honey doesn't help themselves."
Ab: "Honk!"
W: "Oh big maple for sure."
Sh: "So he's trying to goad one of them into stinging him?"
As: "Well deserved at this point!"
Yu: "What does their relationship have to do with the trial?!"
Zep: "Abgesehen davon, dass sie falsch ist?"
("Other than it being incorrect?")
Di: "Ooh he's really going at them now!"
De: "Wait so they aren't real parents."
Yo: "They are real to him. Wonder if they do adoption in order to help spread the load."
May: "With the scale of it, they probably have vending machines they can get larva from."
Sa: "Calling them cousin fuckers as well! That'd piss them off!"
Pe: "Wark!"
Mi: "Oh yeah if all of them stung him, he'd be as good as dead!"
Mar: "Well deserved at this point."
Allen I think his name was would end up taking the bait, and so the melodrama began.
De: "And I thought we were playing it up in the sim."
Ri: "Don't lie you'd do this if you could."
De: "Yeah you're right."
Re: "I cannot see how this will help him. He outright insulted the bees, and then acts like he's the victim when he gets stung."
Tr: "Sounds like a typical two-penny lawyer." St: "Oh didn't need to see that."
E: "Well I had a good run, what was that ten minutes?" The sight of the lawyer's buttocks were enough to induce another kernel panic in the Unix system.
Albany was currently in a serious condition in a hospital bed, with an IV of honey. "Oh for fuck's sake."
Kaj: "He's lucky he still has his guts."
KyoC: "As if he's still alive after that!"
Yo: "Perhaps it would have been preferable if they had perished."
De: "I still want to perish seeing this film!"
The bee revealed his substitute stinger. "Well that's very flamboyant!"
Pe: "Wark!"
Mi: "No you cannot get your claws sharpened young man, I'm not having you kill people with them!"
Pe: "No fun!"
May: "That was very obviously a trap, how did he not realise that?!"
Zer: "Maybe the fact that he's a bee!? And he isn't trained in law?!"
Obviously it wasn't that fatal an injury, because not two minutes later he was back in the court room teaching people how to fold origami. St: "I always wanted to learn how to make a boat."
Tr: "It's easy isn't it? Five wood in a U shape."
To: "I think it's a little bit more complicated than it is in Minecraft, Trixie."
Tr: "Nah it's exactly that easy!"
Ri: "Depends how large this wood is, I suppose."
The honey lawyer would wax on how the bees are wasting time with absurd shenanigans, while he used a baby crawler to navigate the courtroom.
As: "You can not convince me he's not into something weird."
De: "Bet he wears a diaper as well."
Luckily triple B was able to acquire a smoking gun. Literally. "Well if something was to convince folks to go for your case, it's getting gassed."
Zep: "Wenn jemand das sagt, bringe ich ihn um."
("If anyone says it I'm going to kill them.")
As: "Wir beide."
("You and me both.")
Somehow that was enough to convince the jury and the audience to go for the bee's argument.
Hik: "So that whole Albert stinging bit was pointless wasn't it?"
Ab: "Honk!"
eeeee"We know this movie is pointless but we're still watching it."
Di: "So what the hell does that mean? They just get all the honey now?"
Pa: "All several hundred thousand tonnes of it?"
Yo: "Drowning in it."
Bitter Water(1:02:10)
The concentration camps were torn down, the bees free to go.
Mar: "Fuck yeah kill Winnie the Pooh!"
Mab: "Yeah fuck Disney! Good for nothing bastards!"
Di: "Didn't they make that work of us?"
Mab: "They literally stoned you and destroyed our world with a triangle!"
Di: "Oh yeah right, fuck Disney!"
W: "Didn't they make those God-awful Star Wars sequels that got sent through as well?"
Ri: "I thought we got rid of all of them."
W: "You can't get rid of the memories no matter how much liquor you drink."
Not even the old ladies were safe from the honey cops, treating her as they'd probably treat a dog. "Yeah fuck that old lady for eating honey!" Asuka cheered.
And with that, and with gallons of honey pumping into their hive, their honey production would shut down.
Mi: "There you go, they finally get a vacation! Now it's just me left who hasn't had a vacation in 27 million years!"
Re: "Perhaps the lawyer was right. If they have no more incentive to pollinate, perhaps this will become a whole heap more bitter to swallow."
Within the span of days, all the flowers on Earth had died out.
Zer "Well that seems a bit extreme."
Kaw: "You take a break and things fall apart."
Ri: "That's working at NERV. Take a single day off and the world's probably gonna end." In a shrug.
Sh: "Surely the Magi can run things?"
Yo: "They struggle running video games unless you phrase it as a training simulator."
De: "You end up missing a few things when they just suddenly leave."
Tr: "Something I'm sure we could all relate with, at this point."
Yu: "There's nothing stopping them from just starting it up again."
Pe: "Wark!"
Kaj: "Yeah at least we still had flowers after Second Impact!"
Pa: "Thing is this is probably just America. Seems like something we'd do." E: "How did he not realise all this wilting when we was going to Vanessa's?"
W: "Rather amazing how the loss of flowers actually makes the atmosphere worse."
Sh: "At this rate the Earth will be uninhabitable in 72 hours."
As: "Who could've thought the Earth required bees to live! How did it ever survive before they evolved!"
Re: "Obviously it didn't. Bees were the first to evolve before even microcellular life, and paved the way for everything else."
Kaw: "Was that written in their Bible?"
KyoC: "Vanessa, girl, you're the one who fucking helped him! You're as responsible as he is!"
Tr: "What like how I was responsible for everything that happened in that sim?" E: "You killed me and that spurred on everything!"
W: "I still don't get how that went so melodramatically, the test sims went perfectly fine! I had a great time and you weren't murderous at all Trixie!"
Tr: "Well if you want to join the next commingled sim, I'll try not to kill you!"
W: "Oh yeah that's gonna end well for me!"
KyoS: "Kyoko does have a point though. Why is she blaming Barry when she was the one who enabled this?"
Yu: "Rather ironic a florist ends up responsible for killing all the flowers."
Re: "I wonder if she knows but her method of coping is to deny her involvement."
Yo: "She essentially killed off her method of employment."
De: "By the way she worded it, flowers were all she lived for. Usually you do not think of a suicide pact over flowers."
Tr: "Well that's what she gets for fucking a bee!" E: "You know what I already heard that prospect, I'm not gonna panic over it."
Tr: "Want me to try?"
Ri: "I'd prefer you didn't."
I Know You Like To Think Your Shit Don't Stank But Lean A Little Bit Closer See Roses Really Smell Like Poo (1:07:25)
Vanessa meanwhile had other things to do, in particular that tournament of roses she mentioned half an hour prior. St: "After which she will probably jump off a bridge."
Mar: "Well we still probably have ten minutes left in the film, so either it ends on a downer like that, or we get a bullshit happy ending pulled out of Seinfeld's ass."
Tr: "Girl it's Dreamworks, they're more edgy than Disney but they'll still have to make it a happy ending for the kiddies."
Mab: "I can't believe this was rated G."
Barry would make it to her taxi, where he'd explain his brain genius plan.
Pa: "Well I guess that's a way of doing it."
W: "You think it'll work?"
Ab: "Honk!"
W: "Look I know it's Dreamworks but I at least gotta pretend it's gonna end in an interesting way otherwise I'm gonna go mental!"
To: "This film's already made me mental so I don't think anything's gonna change that." E: "How is this plan working." In flat remark, as they managed to hijack a float.
Pe: "This world is a strange one." E: "Coming from a talking penguin."
Pe: "Coming from a walking computer." St: "Honk!"
Ab: "Honk!"
De: "Honk?"
Abigail started pecking at Derek for the insult toward their mother. "Ow ow quit it!"
Di: "Oh as if it was that easy to get that through airport security, I can't even bring in a water bottle without them thinking it's a bomb!"
May: "Well was it?"
Di: "No it's water!"
Tr: "Oh water is perfectly explosive if you know how to use it. Bit of sodium would do it."
Zep: "Sind Sie sicher, dass das nicht nur das Natrium ist?"
("Are you sure that's not just the sodium?")
Now on the plane, but unfortunately like any airline it got delayed. "Oh boy let's see how this goes wrong!"
In short, both pilots ended up knocked out, with Barry left flying the plane.
To: "You know I'm not surprised."
Kaj: "Great work Bazza ya fucked it again!"
Ke: "It's probably gonna end up in the side of a building at this point."
Pe: "Wark!"
Kaw: "Nah that event never ended up happening in our reality."
Di: "What do you mean that event?"
Kaw: "Notice the Manhattan skyline in this movie didn't have the twin towers."
Pa: "It didn't have the flooding as well, I think that's a bit more important a detail!"
To: "Maybe it'll crash into a cliffside like in that dream sequence."
W: "Now that'd be an interesting ending!"
Barry at least was confident he could fly a plane, it being a giant metal bee after all. "I think there's a bit more minutia he's missing from that comparison."
Mab: "Well we know how bees are like in rain, and they're flying straight into a lightning storm so I don't think this is gonna end well."
As: "At this point I kinda hope it doesn't end well!"
Unfortunately, this gave Barry the opportunity to have a big ol monologue, that was seemingly broadcast to every known bee on the planet- God this movie's so fucking awful why am I doing this again-
May: "And here we go, all the past seventy minutes will be resolved in seven."
Ke: "Probably less th- AIEE!"
The ventilation him and his birds were in finally gave way, the trio toppling into a wet pile. "We're okay I think!"
Ab: "Honk!"
It got worse, lightning striking the plane and knocking out the autopilot. "Oh yah that would help you out!"
As: "Last time we tried autopilot on the Evangelion we almost died. As in the world." E: "Good thing they were dummy plugs and not ELIZAs."
Sh: "You don't like them either?" E: "It's like comparing me to an Atari, I'd be gravely insulted to be compared to a dummy plug!"
St: "I sometimes refer to Trixie as that."
Tr: "And I'm not even a computer!"
Mi: "I don't think either Vanessa or Barry would be cut out as pilots, panicking like that."
To: "Oh yeah they'd die in ten seconds flat."
Hik: "What like you did?"
To: "That was in one work! And I did better in the anime!"
Hik: "You lost a leg in the anime!"
To: "And I lost my life in the manga, I know what I'd prefer if I had to choose! At least these guys can grow me a leg!"
Ri: "We can grow you another life as well you know."
Yu: "In some ways it's easier to grow a full new Nephilim body than it is to grow a limb that won't be rejected by the original body."
The bees were somehow able to fly up to cruising altitude, and were somehow able to support the weight of the plane with their tiny little bodies.
Re: "This is starting to break my suspension of disbelief."
Zer: "It wasn't broken before?!"
Essentially it turned the plane into a giant bee, the millions of bees under the plane navigating towards the billions of bees that made up a giant flower on the tarmac. Well, after a few near misses. E: "Nah no thanks not dealing with this." She'd panic again, collapsing to the floor.
As: "Hey that's what we did! They stole from us!"
Ri: "The universe steals a lot from us, for example, it's stolen my sanity."
May: "So this is how you become your Bond counterpart!"
Ri: "Was always wondering what that straw would be." Attempting to light a cigarette, only for the still active fire sprinklers to snuff it out. "Mmmmgh Misato!"
Mi: "Hey! Blame the folks fucking while the movie's going on!"
Yo: "Well you failed at that."
Around half of everyone was actively with someone. "Oh for fuck's sake the movie's almost over, wait like five more minutes!"
As: "I haven't had nearly enough booze to deal with this movie!"
After what seemed like an eternity, the plane would land, dropping its flowers everywhere.
Surely you know how it goes by now, they gather the pollen and repollinate the flowers, yadda yadda yadda the world is saved. He even got pollen jock out of it all- "Can we fucking go home now Misato?"
"Oh fine go!"
Everyone immediately left, though Abigail stuck around a little bit longer to peck at Misato's knees in insult.
This left Misato in the soaking rain as the credits played out behind her. Well, they only played briefly, before the film was torn from the projector, leaving a white screen.
"You try to do one thing right for these bastards and this is how they repay you!" With her hands up in the air. "I need somefucking beer!"
"Man that was terrible! And I made the thing!"
Another voice from somewhere in the theatre, despite Misato being the only one left.
Sitting on one of the seats in front of her was a bee. "I mean come on surely I could do better than that! I could do better with my eyes closed!"
Misato immediately took out her gun, and emptied her clip into the bee.
She then reloaded her gun, and emptied another clip into the bee.
She then threw the gun at the crater that was the bee. "NO!"
~~~
~~~
Trixie had lit up a dumpster behind one of the buildings owned by NERV, Ritsuko promptly throwing in the movie reel that was The Bee Movie.
All that had watched would watch on, as the fire burned.
"Let us never speak of this again." Ritsuko would decree.
"No matter how much I drink I will never that damn bee's face out of my head!" Asuka clutched at her head. "It's there forever!"
"At least I'm getting a backup restored later today." Muttered Eliza. "Hopefully I can keep these memories buried in the deepest confines of my soul."
"I still don't understand how this film got you so down bad, Eliza."
"I don't understand how you can comprehend this film!"
"You're welcome!" As Trixie wrapped an arm around her computer partner.
Misato could only sigh. "Alright, yeah it was a fucking shit movie. Whatever, this is what we usually do."
"Really we shouldn't have been surprised, given the date."
You know, I've noticed something: The standard evangelion positron rifle (the one that's not the sniper rifle) and the Karasawa directed energy weapons from the Armored Core Franchise (particularly the Karasawa MK-2) look VERY similar. Is that deliberate on one side's part (I don't know whether Evangelion came out first or Armored Core did)?
With the passing of the great Al Jaffee (and inspired by the fate I crafted for Rei in one of my own fics), I have a stupid question I wouldn't mind getting snappy answers to from you all:
What would a MAD Magazine parody of Evangelion look like?
