Mary Jane's Last Dance
Newton's Third Law, with every action there is an equal yet opposite reaction. It's a law that is meant to solely govern physics, but sometimes Carrie Fisher believed that it applied to the entirety of human lives. Her whole life could be described as such, being born into Hollywood royalty, growing up rich and never wanting for anything or ever having to work a day in her life. But in return for her wealth she had a distant deadbeat dad, an abysmal social life, a loving mother who was most often too busy with film to be actively present despite her best efforts, and a brain that gave her both the highest of highs and lowest of lows.
In the past few weeks, Carrie's life had seen a remarkable upturn. Everything was going good at school. The fights at her home quieted down and her Mom had a break in filming that she was using to spend more time with her and her brother. And perhaps most importantly she met the most wonderful and amazing guy in aspiring actor Bruce O'Brian. It had only been a little more than a month since they started dating, where aside from a couple of romantic dates they mostly hung out together, but it had felt like months longer and she LOVED every second spent with the Irish boxer. Bruce was just so kind, smart, funny, supportive, creative, and an all around wonderful guy who you think would only exist in the movies. For her first serious relationship, it felt to Carrie like she hit it out of the park with a 10/10, a perfect home run!
But of course, like everything in her life, what goes around comes around, and what followed in the previous near week was one of the worst experiences in her life. For the past couple of years, Carrie had been smoking marijuana, something at first done out of the excitement of doing something taboo, then for the pleasures, and over the past year a necessity as weed proved to be surprisingly effective in controlling her mood swings. When she was too high and excitable, it kept her level-headed and grounded. When she was depressed and wanted to cry a river, it kept her calm and prevented any downward spirals.
Carrie had been very blessed that her early weeks with Bruce didn't see any issues. She was just a normal girl going on normal dates with a hot guy who didn't care about her last name. However, last week things had started acting up again and fortunately for her she was only in one of her high moments when with Bruce, who didn't seem to notice or just thought she was having a good time. Desperate for control, she wanted to turn to weed but her stock ran out and Joan's supplier was having issues so she had to go cold turkey for a couple of days. When she got a new batch, Joan commented that it was a new batch based on new seeds and to go at it carefully, but Carrie had only assumed it would be a tiny bit stronger, boy how she was wrong.
Whatever the hell was in those joints she smoked made her body go into total haywire instead of feeling cool and calm. Her mood swings only grew worse as she went from high as a kite to some of the most depressed she's ever been while her body started losing all of its energy and she had killer headaches and started vomitting.
Not wanting her mother to sever her first friendship, Carrie had lied and said she found some LSD at school and had experimented again only for the batch to prove terrible. While Debbie at first wanted to punish Carrie, as her body just getting worse she focused on keeping her comfortable, saying that her pain was enough of a punishment. Though at the end of the day she did get a stern lecture and a reminder that both her and her father told her not to take Acid, but beyond the stern warning that was it. After all, saying no was easy, it was Carrie's own fault for not listening to simple and sound advice! Turned out Richard Nixon was wasting billions on the DEA when the national drug crisis can just be solved by saying no!
As she laid exhausted and feeling like a pile of crap on her bed, Carrie reasoned to herself that it was just one bad batch of joints, that all of her previous experience had been a good time and all she needed to do was just be smarter and take things slow in the future. Yet as she threw up in the nearby bucket for the upteenth time, Carrie confessed to herself that she was kidding. She had a gut feeling that if she didn't stop soon then she'd just get into the harder stuff. And if she got into this terrible of a shock over marijuana, the "safe and cool" drug as Joan described it, who knew how the hell she would take cocaine or heroin?
Unfortunately, while Debbie was a comfort for the first few days, the call of Hollywood returned and safe in the knowledge that Carrie wasn't on death's door after a doctor's visit, she continued with her work. Thus leaving Carrie with Todd who thankfully showed his softer side and was present as a supportive brother, and the nightly phone calls with Bruce. With Joan being the current cause of her predicament, Carrie wasn't exactly in a mood to converse with her main friend, especially after a support visit from Joan caused Carrie to lash out with a flurry of slurs and insults for poisoning her body. The next day Carrie came to her senses and apologized, and Joan thankfully accepted it fully and stated it was completely understandable on her part and she'd never give Carrie anything without testing it first and would give her supplier absolute hell for the shoddy job. Still, Carrie did go a bit too far in the lashing, and a part of her was too mad to spend time with Joan, fearing she'd blow up again in anger or go into a sorrowful collapse, and thus she decided some space was best until October at least.
As such that only let Bruce to turn to in a time of need. After she informed him that she was "Sick" he had been a constant presence on the landline each night, spending hours making conversation, or rather doing the bulk of the talking and giving her words of comfort and sympathy to ease the pain. He even offered to come over one day to help with anything around the house or just keep her company. It was one of the sweetest things she ever experienced, something she never saw in her parent's message, but she refused him each time with excuses of not wanting to infect him, thus he played support on the telephone.
The main reason was that she didn't want him to see her weak. She could tell that Bruce was just as head over heels for her as she was, something that confused the life out of Carrie considering she was so plain and boring compared to someone like him, especially since he started calling her princess or my lady as playful pet names. She had been called such many times in her life, but for the first time it was for who she was and not her blood, something Carrie didn't think was deserved. How could she possibly keep that image if he saw her in such a pathetic state, or learned that she took drugs at all! Making her feel all the more guilty was that over the phone it was clear that he was more than a bit exhausted and stressed from his ongoing war with CBS, yet he still took time each day to talk with her, something that made Carrie very guilty.
It was on Saturday when Todd whined about how she had been on the phone with Bruce for six hours and that he wanted to call his friends that Carrie came to a realization. If Bruce was being so considerate now, spending several hours of day just to keep her company in a time of need, if he didn't once judge her for her name or try to use her as a prop to fame, if he was a living hero who risked his life to save ten complete strangers from a fire on a crapsack of a show, praised by his peers and the film establishment for being a professional miracle worker? Then maybe he'd be accepting of her problem, and even somehow find out?
And even if he wasn't, perhaps it would be better to confess her sins and break things off now before they got too serious and any rejection later down the line for being a reefer wouldn't result in even greater heartbreak and depression. Better to have ended things so soon in honesty then set up a relationship built on lies and ending in abysmal misery.
She desperately prayed before leaving that it wouldn't happen.
After giving a call to her mom that she would be hanging out with Bruce until dinner, or rather notifying her Mom's secretary, a rather usual occurance, Carrie rode out to Bruce's apartment after school, waging a mental war with her cowardly self to see things through. When she got to the door, Carrie stopped herself and pondered. Was she really going to do this? Unleash a load of drug history and asking for help from a guy who while completely amazing so far, hasn't even dated her for a month?
Still, was there literally any other option besides going to some strangers and eventually being outed to the press as Debbie Reynold's Druggie daughter? Her mom was always focused on her career and if she was there to support, it would just be hiring a Quack to tell her to just quit. Her best friend got her introduced to marijuana in the first place and accidentally gave her one of the worst experiences in her life. Her little brother shouldn't be burdened with stopping his big sister from getting high. And then there was the Dad who at best showed up for holidays and birthdays. Thus she was left with Bruce.
But before Carrie could back down, her muscle memory kicked into motion and she gave a couple of strong knocks on the door. Carrie hoped that Bruce had lied or was busy with a last minute emergency, but as always he had been a man of his word and showed up to the door quickly, carrying an excited and goofy grin that he always sported whenever he laid eyes upon her, as if looking at her was the highlight of this day.
"Hey Carebear, happy to see that you're feeling better and everything's flushed out your system." Bruce said. Carrie winced heavily at the comment, well aware that Bruce was just talking about the Flu she made up, but at the same time experiencing another reminder of why she came.
"Yeah, can't say I'm back to 100% but everything was decent enough at school." Carrie said shyly. Though even if she did continue to feel sick, few would probably notice. Once the freshmen became adjusted to the fact that she was Debbie's daughter and realized she wasn't going to get them free movie tickets or autographs then she'd fade quietly into the background, just a photo for the Yearbook at Beverly Hills High.
"How's everything going with the crew?" Carrie asked, walking in and settling herself.
The current state of Bruce's apartment was amusing to her as when the first time she came over to watch the M*A*S*H premier with him it had been cleaned spotless, but now that she had been over repeatedly and they had gotten used to each other, Bruce showed his true colors and didn't keep his place in prestine condition. It wasn't as if it was a pig sty, but more of an organized mess with books sprawled all over, the kitchen a litter ground of boxes and cans, and the tables and chairs being resting grounds for papers and projects in the works like his games. For the most part Carrie found it charming as most of the debris was from his work and pursuits, showing his dedication as an actor.
"Well everyone gave their two cents and we went over all the pros and cons of staying and leaving. The meeting ended two hours ago and for now we're just going to spend the night doing some soul searching and we'll come to a consensus first thing tomorrow. At this point it's probably 50/50, wouldn't blame anyone for going either way."
"Do you want to stay?" Carrie asked. Considering how popular the show was getting, signing up for Season 2 was one of the best path's moving forward for Bruce, especially if he got bumped to a major character thanks to fan support. At the same time, it was a victory for his and the cast's abusers at CBS and would just serve to justify any future disaster sets.
"Honestly I don't know. It wasn't a one hundred percent terrible experience. I got to meet some really amazing people, got some much needed acting work and when everything did turn out right on a rare occasion, it could actually be fun. I would love to continue the story if everyone was in and we had actual competence on set. But...CBS probably hates my guts, I'd just be getting the wallets of idiots fatter, and I'm not sure if I'd be setting the best example. Gonna have to sleep on it and see which way everyone's flowing tomorrow before I make a final decision. All I know is that if most of the guys quit I'm joining them in arms. Can't abandon your squad after all." Bruce said, giving a light chuckle at his Army pun.
It brought a brief smile to Carrie's face before it fell into a frown. While she wanted to give her own thoughts on the subject and help Bruce go through with it, she remembered why she came and felt guilty again for dumping her problems on Bruce when he had his hands full.
Fortunately, it seemed her sorrow didn't go unnoticed. "Carrie, are you alright?" He asked tenderly, sitting down on the couch next to her, their hands wrapping as he gave her a look of deep concern.
Carrie did her best to hold back the pool of tears in her eyes from breaking a dam at his touch, to feel such genuine and honest concern which was a rarity in her life. Feeling one of her crazy episodes coming on, Carrie resolved to be brave and do her best before she lost control. "No, I'm not. Bruce, the reason I came over today is because I have something to confess. You deserve to know if we're going to continue things, and...and..I need help."
"Is something happening at home or school, anyone giving you trouble, hurting you?" Bruce asked carefully, a fierce look of determination in his eyes blazing.
Carrie rapidly shook her head, "No, it's nothing like that. It's not that someone's hurting me, it's...something." Carrie confessed, and then began her admission that she had a history of experimentation and marijuana, revealed her mental weirdness and crazy moments she had been fighting to keep away from him, and how she wanted desperately to end it.
The full story took about half an hour, the length being increased by multiple points where Carrie had to stop and take a break to get the power to continue on, or just spiraling on into rants and vents that mostly focused on everything and nothing. Throughout it all Bruce sat in comforting silence aside from a handful of questions and sympathetic comments. He didn't show much emotion aside from his face showing that he was processing everything that was laid out. But on the bright side he never let go of her hand, his grip only growing stronger, but in a gentle instead of harmful manner, and he never said anything condemning or damning, which far better than most of her predicted scenarios.
At the end she had lost control and collapsed in a pool of tears as one of her moments kicked in and Carrie felt herself drowning in a sea of sorrows. Fortunately there was a lighthouse through the storm as instead of being creeped out or overwhelmed as she felt Bruce had a right to be, he just hugged her tight and gave her soothing whispers of encouragement and comforting pats.
Thankfully her dark clouds started to eventually recede, and after a comfortable silence where she went through what was at least half a tissue box, Carrie found the strength to continue. "I want to stop this time, I really do. It's just that, if I stop smoking and never touch a joint again, then I won't have anything to keep me grounded. We could be hanging out or on a date, and I'll just go spastic or shut down, and you have to deal with me, I don't want you to date some freak or a druggie!" Carrie whined.
"Carrie Fisher, I think you are many things, but a freak is most certainly nowhere near that list." Bruce strongly replied. Carrie wanted to protest, but he continued. "And sure you may have a problem right now, but that most certainly does not make you a terrible person. This all started because you wanted to be cool like your neighbor, and you only continued it because like you said, it helped with the issues and made you feel normal. Besides, you wouldn't be the first teenager who did weed. There was always a double digit reefer population back at my high school and some of them were the nicest and most decent people I ever knew."
"You don't think I'm a terrible person?" Carrie asked in shock. Astonished that Bruce despite being such a strong and good person who other M*A*S*H actors in interviews said was one of the hearts of the group wasn't casting her down as an evil addict.
"No, you just stumbled a bit and made some mistakes. A little worse than most people our age sure, but nothing that made you evil. While I don't approve of marijuana usage, I'm not gonna judge someone as the spawn of satan for taking a joint, especially when cancer sticks are still legal and most actors in Hollywood like to use them." Bruce said, causing Carrie to mentally remind herself to never touch a cigarette.
"Also while I can't say that I can understand completely what you're going through, I have seen more than a fair share of addicts in my life."
"What do you mean?" Carrie asked.
"Well, it's a terrible stereotype that the Irish are nothing but lousy drunks, but stereotypes usually come from somewhere. My personal family can handle liquor fine and mom and dad taught us of the dangers of binge drinking, but I've had a couple of relatives who lost themselves to the bottle. I had a second cousin who came this close to losing his wife and kids after a really bad night."
"Did your family beat him up?" Carrie asked without thinking. Fortunately Bruce took it in stride with a laugh.
"No, but my Dad said he wanted to give him the old Joe Louis treatment when he heard. The thing about O'Brians is that when one of us messes up, while we do have to face the consequences, when we're truly in trouble and did wrong, we all chip in and help the person who fell get back up. The men got together in the family and had an intervention where they laid out his family was on the line and he needed to be the man he wasn't or else he'd lose them forever."
"So they got him to stop right away?" Carrie asked, surprised when Bruce shook his head.
"Not overnight. He was banned from hard liquor and someone was always on hand to make sure he never got more than a cup or two and didn't drink with his kids or take out anything on his life. The thing about addiction is that when you stop hard and fast, even though you're not taking whatever's causing the problem, by that point your body's gotten so used to it that if you get cut off completely, it just goes crazier than when you had a full night."
The statement caused Carrie to think back to the last week, how her spiral all started because she went cold for a few days, and how after taking the bad joints she had stayed off until now, and even still didn't feel like her old self. Maybe she went about it the wrong way and had to wean down until she didn't have any urges?
"It took several months to get him clean, with lots of family support and presence, plenty of involvement for friends, and praying to the Lord and attending daily mass. But within a year, Ralph O'Brian was able to stay clean from the cup and aside from sips of communal wine he's been sober for the past 14 years.
The story brought a soft smile to Carrie, glad to know that even if it wasn't weed, Bruce wasn't exactly foreign to the concept of addiction and he wouldn't be shutting her out of his life. "Could you perhaps, do the same and help me?" Carrie asked in a bit of a whisper, finally laying out why she came and asking the impossible request that no guy who had been dating for a month should be burdened with.
"I'd be honored to be by your side and help you through every step of the way Carrie." Bruce said earnestly, causing Carrie's jaw to drop in shock. "Even if we weren't dating and were just total friends, I'd still promise to do my best and help you through. This probably won't be easy, and I don't know a single thing about helping to break addiction, hell I never even got to play a Doctor on the show." Bruce joked, helping to lighten the mood with a giggle from Carrie. "But whatever happens you don't deserve to struggle alone and I'll always be here to help, whether that's coming with you for appointments or support groups, or anything you need to get through the day and wean off, I'll be happy to help."
Hearing such supportive words that seemed impossible to Carrie more than an hour ago helped the tear ducts to open again, but this time releasing tears of joy. However, there was still one final hurdle left, the main obstacle that would likely prevent Carrie from quitting entirely "Hypothetically, if I do get clean and stop using weed or any other type of drugs, would you be okay if I start going weird, and get really excited or depressed?" Carrie hesitantly asked.
Bruce pondered for a couple of seconds before responding, "Well if that does happen, I can't promise I'll react perfectly or even understand it's happening unless it's obvious. But now that you told me, I have context for going on and I'll try to help whatever I can. Bruce said, with Carrie noding in acceptance, happy that one of the best scenarios was playing again. "Did the Doctors ever give you a name for what's going on?" He asked.
Carrie shuddered at the memory of many frustrating visits, "Every time I tried to bring it up, they just thought I was being a regular teenager and it was just hormones, even though I know it's something far worse! Everything I've read just points to a bunch of contradictory nonsense, and I'm scared that one day some Doctor is going to think I'm crazy and send me away." Carrie confessed, a nightmare likely to have happened to countless girls her age who didn't have a wealthy mom to buy silence.
"I know it's nothing similar, but whenever I get really angry or heavily sad, I use meditation that Master Bruce taught me to help keep myself calm and focused and go through the rest of the day fresh. Recently whenever M*A*S*H is giving me issues, I do some Tai Chi and that does wonders in relieving the stress. Maybe whenever things start acting up you can try doing that to help. You were a natural last time we did it." Bruce suggested.
"Yeah, that could work." Maybe it wouldn't be a perfect replacement, but when Carrie did Tai Chi with Bruce she felt like she was at peace and on cloud nine for the rest of the day and the next. If she started practicing reguarly, then she wouldn't have the immediate need to keep smoking joints, and she'd be replacing it with an alternative that would keep her healthy and active.
"Well, just like the weed, this'll be something we go through together. Probably not going to find any easy answers soon, but we'll get there. At the end of the day this is who you are, and I wouldn't trade Carrie Fisher for anyone else in the world." Bruce said earnestly.
At those words, Carrie went in for a strong hug which Bruce reciprocated. The road ahead wasn't going to be easy, and she could definitely fall again, but at least she had someone to catch and help her back up.
A/N: Welp, this was a bit of a heavy chapter that kind of deviated a bit from my usual fanfic materials across sites. As someone who never personally been in Bruce or Carrie's position for addiction, I hoped I portrayed the situation as sensitively and respectfully as possible, and if I did anything wrong with either that or the Bi-Polar stuff, please feel free to point it out.
Looking back, perhaps I did jump the gun a bit and should have waited until far later in the relationship to choose to help Carrie like this, but I wanted to do it now so that we can stop the problem as early as it can before it escalates thanks to unfortunate Magoose Dice, and thus I have to own up to it and write this for support. As was pointed out, I wanted to get the basic gist in that even though something like this is a bit of a stretch in disbelief; Carrie had a really intensely painful episode of Bad Weed that caused her to have a come to Jesus moment to push for this kind of thing. And for now her only options were the woman who caused said bad episode, a deadbeat Dad, a mom who tries her best but often misunderstands and is focused on acting, and her little brother, not to mention as pointed out earlier, all her medical experience amounted to "Just say no" or "Be normal". So yeah, Carrie is pushed into desperation due to it being the '70's and luckily Bruce is there.
