"I-" you lock up for a moment, indecisive and terrified. You don't know what to say. You don't know what to do.
You just-
Mami wails, burying her face in your chest, shaking as she clings tightly to you. "S-sabrina- p-please-"
You just want everyone to be happy. You want Mami to be happy.
A thousand different responses go out the window. You vacillate on your responses, running them through your mind one after another. You come up with a hundred clever answers.
"S-sabrina-" Mami chokes out, giving you a little shake.
Nothing glib to fix this.
You swallow hard.
"I was scared," you whisper, so softly you have no idea if Mami can hear you. Louder, then. "I just- I was scared."
Mami stills, completely and utterly. Her ragged breathing drops to a slow roll.
"I wanted to help," you repeat, squeezing your eyes shut. "I didn't... I didn't know what to do, at first. But I- you needed a friend. I wanted to be that friend. I- I didn't have anything more than that in my mind at the time, just-"
You're crying, too.
You can feel the tears, slow and hot as they course down your cheeks to meet the rising pain clawing from your stomach.
You never wanted to hurt Mami. You knew this would. But it's something you had to do. She had to know. It wasn't right and you want to apologise for hurting her but you had to but it's not about you.
You choke off that train of thought, feeling Mami curl up, practically on your chest. Silent, helpless sobs shake her body.
"I was scared," you whisper. "I wasn't sure what to do and I- I just couldn't find a way to spit it out." You slump, letting your head thump back against the carpet because really, what changed?
You feel Mami's head move, a slow shake.
About right. She might not be answering you, but she might as well be. Nothing at all. Nothing changed. You didn't know how best to say it when you started this and you still don't know how to say it. You just had to do it.
"A-at first I was just trying to keep this away from Kyuubey," you say. The way Mami's arms tighten around you and her fingers dig into your back through the ribbons are enough to know she's listening, at least. "It- after it was gone, I, I- y-you were so hurt t-that I couldn't bear to put you through that again."
Mami makes a tiny, whimpering noise, shivering and curled up, making herself as small as she can.
The best you can do is to lean forward a little and try to brush your face against the top of her head. It's the closest you can get to hugging her without breaking the ribbons. Even that little gesture draws a shuddering sob from Mami.
You swallow, throat thick. Good intentions that pave the way to hell and all. "I-" You shudder. You can feel the Grief bubbling up in your Soul Gem, a rising mire to match the churning confusion in your gut.
But the floodgates are open now, metaphorically and perhaps just slightly less than literally with the tears you can feel squeezing between your eyelids. You clear your nose with a rough snort and you forge onwards.
"E-even then. Even then you meant s-so much to me," you whisper, almost choking on the words. Fresh tears well up, burning in your eyes. "I c-couldn't- bear to hurt you. I j-just-"
You shake your head. You... You need to clean your Soul Gem. It's not exactly dangerous yet, but still. You're going around in circles. A twist of your will pulls free Grief, sharp and acidic to your mind's eye as it infiltrates between the golden ribbons tying up your hand.
Golden eyes, reddened and puffy from the tears still streaking down her face, twitch open, sightless tracking the cloud drifting out the window. She makes a tiny, worried little whine, arms tightening yet more around you.
"I c-couldn't not tell you." Your voice cracks. "It- it's so much worse not telling you. I-I- can't keep something t-this important from you any longer. I care about you, I care about you so much and I want to stay at your side a-and just-"
