Now was not the time for hasty impulse, Ling Qi knew. Speaking of what she had worked with Fu Xiang to do would not only do her a lot of harm, but it would be an utter betrayal of Fu Xiang as well. Slimy as the boy was, she refused to repay a good turn like that. It didn't help that Cai's words bothered her a great deal, for both obvious reasons and harder to articulate ones.
"Lady Cai," Ling Qi said slowly measuring her words. "I thank you for your honesty, but…" She met the other girls unwavering gaze, and she felt her resolve firm. If they were going to be speaking frankly, then she would speak her mind, but all the same…"May I have permission to speak freely? I fear that you might find some of things I might say insolent or offensive."
Cai Renxiang's long black hair fluttered in the breeze, the aura of light pulsing lightly behind her shoulders as she looked down on Ling Qi. "I am curious what thoughts my words might have stirred to prompt such a question," she replied after a moment, and Ling Qi thought there was a touch of resignation in her tone, but it vanished so quickly that she might have imagined it. "We are alone. I will take no offense, whatever your words."
Ling Qi bowed respectfully in thanks. "In that case," she began bluntly as she raised her head. "I think that calling yourself a monster is childish," she said.
For a moment the only sound was the breeze rushing through the stone pillars, and very slowly the heiress' eyebrows rose, her expression blank.
"I do not know what you have experienced," Ling Qi admitted."But it seems ridiculous to apply that label to someone like you."
"There are things missing from me," the heiress replied, not sounding particularly angry, just curious. "Things which my honored Mother determined to be unnecessary. I do not feel things that I know I should, if my education and tutors are to be believed. Can one who lacks such things, whose existence and goals are artificial, be anything else?"
"If so, then the empire is full of monsters, from end to end," Ling Qi answered, crossing her arms. "Cultivators shed things to grow and even mortals give things up for power or survival," she continued, finding herself clutching her elbows as she looked away. "If you are a monster, then so am I."
"I find your words doubtful," Cai replied dubiously. "While you have no doubt suffered from hardship, such trials are not the same…"
"Do you know why I'm so generous to my friends?" Ling Qi asked, interrupting her. "Why I do everything I can to stay close to them?" She asked, despite the surprised expression on the other girls face.It was pretty clear that she wasn't used to be overridden. "It's because caring is hard. Su Ling calls me an airhead sometimes, that I miss things easily, and she's right."
"Hardly an uncommon trait, if a flaw to be certain, "Cai said, looking down at her, unamused. "I do not see how such a thing makes you monstrous."
"Because I don't care, not really," Ling Qi replied angrily. This… wasn't something she had articulated before, something she spoke of, but it clung to the edges of her understanding all the same. "I have to work to care, I have to focus, and stay focused, or I just… move on," she continued, frustrated.
Because dwelling on things in the past was painful, because forming connections meant accepting loss. "At least what you want is a virtuous thing, for people to live better, safer lives, to improve government and make things more fair," she didn't stop speaking, leaving no room for Cai to reply. "I'm just a selfish girl who wants to keep her friends and family close, so she never has to be alone again, and damn anyone who gets in the way of that."
There was a reason she got along so well with Zeqing, why she found it so easy to play her songs. She knew on some level, that the way she acted was wrong sometimes. The way she simply allowed Li Suyin's quiet hero worship without gainsaying it, the tiny sliver of satisfaction that came from knowing she was the only real friend Gu Xiulan had anymore.
Most of all, the way she treated Meizhen, it was ironic, but on some level she knew that her friend was fragile… and she took advantage of that. Instead of flatly rejecting her interest in the days following that incident, she had instead given a half hearted response designed to leave room for hope. It wasn't even conscious really, she just wanted her friend to stay as close as possible.
Cai remained silent even after she had stopped speaking regarding her with furrowed brows. "Simple selfishness is not an inhuman trait," she said after several moments of contemplation.
"Neither is a desire for order," Ling Qi shot back, were they arguing or trying to comfort each other? She couldn't tell. "I don't care about laws, and to me justice is whatever the nearest strongman says it is, a meaningless word for people who want to sound like heroes in their own head, and compel everyone to keep their heads down and obey."
Cai Renxiang's eyes narrowed "...Justice requires order, but order is not justice. Not on its own," she replied quietly. "Therein lies my disagreement with my Honored Mother," she continued shaking her head. "The clannish selfishness you spoke of is the root of much evil as well. Do you know what horrors have been wrought by those who think of family above all else?"
"I can imagine," Ling Qi replied, her head bowed. "But that's the point isn't it? If you're too extreme it breaks things, no matter what you believe."
The light around the other girl dimmed for a moment, and Ling Qi thought she saw the other girls stiff shoulders droop fractionally. "So I have been learning. Do you know what I have regretted most since arriving on this mountain?"
Ling Qi closed her eyes, considering the events of the last half year. "Trusting Sun Liling to keep her word?"
Cai scoffed. "Not at all. The west is volatile, and that girl more than most. No, I regret the harshness of the penalty inflicted upon Ji Rong."
She hadn't even considered that the girl might regard that as something worth regretting. "Why?"
"Because it accomplished nothing," the heiress replied. "Some might say it solidified the appearance of my authority, but I think them wrong. Detestable as it is, the simple overwhelming force of my council was enough for that."
"I thought the point was to make sure everyone understood that corruption was unacceptable," Ling Qi replied, thinking uneasily of her own crime.
"It is," Cai agreed, dipping her head. "However, it is the duty of lords to consider circumstances, and in that incident I was overzealous, and in doing I destroyed any chance that he might have come to be educated properly. Like Mother's order it was overwhelming and absolute… but I wonder at times, what is lost when its crushing weight comes down."
"Which you believe is what she wants you to think," Ling Qi replied shrewdly.
"Quite, I was shaped to find the flaws which are beneath her notice," Cai agreed.
"I wonder about that," Ling Qi replied, feeling subdued, though she still did not intend to speak, it felt more uncomfortable now. "I have never met the Duchess Cai, but… even the Sage Emperor wasn't omniscient, you know. I don't think anyone, even great spirits, really control everything around them. No matter how hard they try."
"You do not know her," Cai's response was immediate, and Ling Qi shuddered at the fear which touched the stoic girls voice. It felt discordant and wrong, to hear that sort of childish, all consuming fear from Cai Renxiang.
"You're right, it isn't my place to speak of it," Ling Qi replied sighing. "For the record, next time we have a friendly chat, maybe sticking with discussing tea might be for the best."
The shadow on the heiress' features disappeared, and her expression returned to normal. "I believe that may be for the best."
"...Is your offer still open, with what I said?" Ling Qi asked tentatively.
"If I believed that others could not be brought to see the truth of my justice, I would not be worthy of my name," she replied, her confidence back in force.
Despite the heiress' words, Ling Qi did not feel reassured as she left Cai's training ground. Could she really commit to Cai while also committing to the lie she and Fu Xiang had crafted? She didn't know.
She did know that she was going to talk about the framing with Fu Xiang… it was a step too far and one she no longer wanted to take.
She didn't go to him immediately, instead preparing for her expedition to Xin's tower, but late that night, she made her way back to Fu Xiang's cottage for a talk.
It was a frustrating conversation, and it was clear her request irritated him, but in the end, he reluctantly agreed seeing her resolve on the matter, for that at least she was glad.
She was a selfish girl, and a greedy girl… but there had to be a limit.
AN: Sorry for breaking this into so many parts dood, week 39 has just turned out to be an important week. The last part and the week vote will be up tomorrow, but I figured people might appreciate getting closure on this whole situation.
