FATHER QUEST - A Cartoon Network: Villains Victorious CK2-Style Quest Cross Over

[HellaCooltricks]

TURN 3 - RESULTS

[X] Operation O.P.A.L (Occult Plus Alien Luminosity)
-[X] Continue to Fight Gems
--[X] Izzy
-[X] Reach Out to Corporate Competition
-[X] Buy a News Network
--[X] Toiletnator
-[X] Look into Aliens
-[X] Research Gem Technology
--[X] Hank Hill
-[X] Look into Artifacts
-[X] Call the Moonbase
-[X] Persuade Stickybeard to Stay
-[X] Recruit Dr. Hex
-[X] Go Selling
-[X] Deal with Numbuh 13
-[X] Create Podcast


NATIONAL ACTIONS

-[X] Continue to Fight Gems
DC 95 (CF 2% CS 8%)
1d100 = 63 + 37 + 25 + 5 + 2 = 132
Success!

??? INTERRUPT ACTION!
-[ ] Halt the Human Counterattack!
1d100 = 43 + 34 + 5 + 17 +3 = 102
Failure!

The War Against The GEM INVADERS Goes On!

At least, that's how the media is spelling and spinning it. You return once more to the front lines, and this time, it really is WAR. Working with the US government to an extent, who is increasingly surprised to see you return, you are pointed in a direction and get to work. With your efforts, the cities of Montreal, Ottawa and Quebec City are finally liberated, and the gem forces are being pushed further and further back, until finally quitting the eastern front altogether and pulling back into the remote wilderness. But that's not going to stop YOU! Chasing after the gem forces in route, you come face-to-face with the first real threat they can offer.

To Be Continued in: "Heating Up!"


-[X] Reach Out to Corporate Competition
DC 50 (CF 2% CS 8%)
1d100 = 93 + 26 = 119
Critical Success!

Heading out into the wild world of commerce and capitalism, you show up at a few events to schmooze and rub shoulders with the new corporate elite. You're catching up on recent news, getting a grasp of their preferred specialities and fields of industry. Your reappearance on the scene has been overall well-received, and you received a few token gifts from your contemporaries in the mail. From Mandy, you're given a gemstone made out of the finest cinnamon to celebrate your success against the Gems. Mandark's "gift" are suggestions for improving the blueprints for your giant robot. Swell.

When your invitation to cooperate goes through to the smaller companies, your initial responses are almost overwhelming. A few do jump out at you. One company that sounds vaguely familiar, Venture Techno Industries, is willing to do business with you. Despite the vast harassment from an anonymous source, its CEO and Owner, JJ Venture seems on-board with cooperation. The second is a small auto body repair shop going by the name of Skips' Chop Shop is up for sale. While not big in the slightest, your meeting with its owner, the titular Skips, was fascinating. In the meanwhile, you were able to get a feeler out for just about every major corporation in America, so now you at least know about them.

Reward: Increased relations with all of the corporate factions. A writeup on the major corporate groups (Endsville Energy, Mandark Co, Scam Co, Katz Ventures, and Black Hat) will be presented in a future update. Actions related to VenTech Industries are now available.

NEW HERO FOR RECRUITMENT: Skips!
Skips becomes available for recruitment for FREE next round, not counting towards your normal recruitment limit.


-[X] Buy a News Network
DC 70 (CF 4% CS 6%)
1d100 = 85 + 19 + 10 + 2 = 116
Success!

Some say that television is hard to break into. Well, evidently, no, it's actually not that hard at all. All you really need is a big fat stack of cash, a can-do attitude, and a rampant desire to buy a news network. And it's just your luck too; the market is in a scramble, and you're just on the tail end of a major toss up. You should be able to buy whichever one you like. So which one will it be?

Reward: Your new news network will provide insight into further rival actions. Actions related to television/broadcasting now available!

A vote on which news network you'd like to buy will be posted in a future update. Canon Write-Ins are encouraged!


-[X] Look into Aliens
DC 70 (CF 4% CS 6%)
1d100 = 83 + 27 = 110
Success!

Looking through the reports, and pulling a few strings with your liaisons, you are able to confirm the existence of aliens in an official capacity. And oh boy, it's a friggin doozy. Aliens have become practically commonplace. Most of them are refugees from other planets who were visiting Earth for some reason or another and were stuck here. Others are half-human hybrids descended from aliens. Both of those groups are fairly benign, though they have strange powers and traits relating to their extraterrestrial origins.

The rest are not so friendly. Alien invaders have also become upsettingly common. One of the biggest invading factions, and the one you're currently dealing with, are the Gems. The Gems are silicon aliens who have set up in Canada and are harvesting the planet's resources to increase their numbers. This has long term consequences for the ecosystem, and short term consequences because there's now an army of them trying to conquer the world. They have different classifications that have become common knowledge since they began their warpath.

On the other side of the world, there's a supposed alien warlord known as Vilgax occupying the Philippines and the surrounding area. Rumor has it that he's been fighting off a tyrant that has conquered Australia while also still defending himself from invaders from Asia. Many claim that he has some sort of technology with incredible power at his disposal, but details are vague. Allied to him are two other alien powers stranded on Earth, but the details become ever sketicher.

Rumors also persist about a secret cabal of aliens within America itself. These "Hybrids" are said to be part alien, part human, and entirely a problem. Infiltrating positions, enacting dark schemes, supporting alien enclaves, and more. But that's about all you've heard about this particular group.

Finally, by learning about the aliens, you've also heard word about those that hunt them. The Forever Knights, as they call themselves, are a brotherhood of pro-human warriors, dedicated to purging the alien threat. Whispers say they have heard of your actions, and are most pleased.

Their rivals in the dedicated field of dealing with extraterrestrial threats are the Plumbers. A bit show-boaty, but their recent alliance with the larger organization, Providence, has cemented them as one of the world's premier alien hunting forces. They are widespread, thorough, and always on the hunt for the next threat against humanity.

Most of this was learned via a dealer in alien technology who's set up shop in your territory. They were willing to let some of their know-how go in exchange for some future considerations. Technology from extraterrestrial sources is a hot commodity, or so they say. It's almost always more advanced than what humans have already come up with, meaning there's much that can be learned from research. Or can be used for its intended purpose of causing havoc. You get the impression that if aliens weren't around, they'd be selling plain old guns instead.

There's a booming market for alien tech. Especially weapons. If you ever have any surplus you're willing to part with, you now have someone to sell it to.

Reward: Father is more aware of alien factions on Earth. New actions unlocked.


-[X] Research Gem Technology
DC 75 (CF 3% CS 7%)
1d100 = 98 + 19 + 19 + 2 = 138
Critical Success!

You haul that massive, metal hand the Gems call a warship into the Adult Co. R&D department. After weeks of work, Hank is able to come back with some astonishing results. He almost seems a bit in disbelief himself, really, but his words are brimming with pride as he reads you the reports on the Adult Co. research.

From what Adult Co. scientists could gather, the cornerstone Gem technology is based on light and the gems all of the, uh, Gems have on their bodies. Light passes through focusing crystals and is refracted and focused into solid objects or energy. Light goes in, effect comes out. The in-between process is still fuzzy, and a lot of it goes over your head, but what you do understand is that unless you have a gem, a lot of these unusual devices won't respond at all.

In other words, you have a giant metal hand taking up space in the garage. You're at a loss on how to get over the little speed bump of not having a gem to interface with the warship when Hank taps you on the shoulder.

"Mister Father, sir? With a little retooling, I think I could get that thing to work."

"How do you expect to do that?"

The next month, you see the warship floating in the hangar, in a much better state than the wreck the gems left behind in Canada. Exotic crystal armor that had been lost during "recovery" was replaced with the firm plating of an iron fist. The exotic power source that used to keep the ship up could not be salvaged. Instead, the vessel is being powered by a massive, high-octane autogas engine you'd expect to see on a truck going down the highway. Test runs with the new propane tanks have been an overwhelming and very unexpected success.

You crack open a cold one with Hank to celebrate.

"Yep," he says.

"YEP," you reply.

Reward: Gem technology principles understood. New actions unlocked.

The Gem warship is back online with a propane power source.


-[X] Look into Artifacts
DC Variable
1d100 = 25 + 15 = 40
Success!

It happened at an auction, and it involved a very, very annoying young man, a neat looking helmet and a split moment decision. It all began as you and Hex were walking about, getting to know one another, and you thought what better choice then to touch base then go looking for those gosh darn magic artifacts? If this Hex fella was the real deal, he'd point out all the good ones. So you went boutiquing, a favored pastime of yours. Time passed, and the dynamic duo of yourself, a shadowy figure silhouette, and skull-faced man in robes eventually found a shady, back alley auction! Most of it was junk, like weird talismans or giant bananas, but the moment the helm was brought out, both you and Hex could feel something… off about it.

And so did a spiky-red-haired, weird little clown boy. Screeching like a chimpanzee, he waved a colossal bundle of cash. But he made a certain mistake: He decided he was going to push past you. Wrong choice. Already intrigued, and now actively agitated, you match his bid, and raise it. He turns to face you, ready to insult you to your face, but one ominous glare from you and Hex makes him shut up. He attempts to outbid you, but with little success, and by the end of it, you walk away with the artifact. The boy, however, makes one final mistake. He confronts you after the auction, just as you were messing around with and putting it on your head.

"Listen, geezer! Let me spell it out for you! I'm kinda a big deal, right? Boy genius and all, maybe you heard of me."

"Nope." You look at Hex, and he looks at the boy.

"Certainly not."

That hits the red-head's ego like a nail into a tricycle wheel.

"Well… Whatever! Why do you even want the Helmet of Jong anyways?"

"The Helmet of What?"
"The Helmet of Jong!"

"The Helmet of Jonggghhh! You clutch your head! "WHY CAN I loook BACKWARDS?!?"

Suddenly, your vision had doubled; but not in the way that an ice cream headache would cause. It was almost like you had just grown a set of eyes in the back of your head! The boy erupted into laughter at your plight. Thankfully, Hex took offense on your behalf.

"Stifle your laughter, child."

"Oh yeah, bonehead? Well, why don't we do a little wager? I challenge you to a--"

"Enough."

Before the boy could even draw his staff, Hex had produced his own. With but a simple sweep of the gnarled wood, a gale-force slammed into the impudent little worm, knocking him flat on his behind.

"Hey, you can't just interrupt--"
"I'll interrupt you as much as I like. Your words are as worthless as you are."

Before the punk could scramble to his feet, the winds began to pick up, tossing him around like an emo rag-doll, earning a delightfully terrified and particularly pathetic scream, before carrying him off into the distance. Giving a stiff nod, Hex turned around, before plucking the helm off your head.

"Strange. I wonder whose lap dog that was."

"Gah! WHO EVER it was, they better NOT try it again."

Rising back up to your feet, Hex hands you back the helmet. Weird thing that it was. It's neat, sure, but why on Earth would anybody want to fight over something like this?

Reward: New magic item! It can be equipped to heroes and studied with future actions.

Helmet of Jong (MYTHIC): +3 to opposed Martial rolls when being attacked by a sneaky enemy.


PERSONAL ACTIONS

FATHER

-[X] Call the Moonbase
(79)

Finally. FINALLY. You got somebody else besides that annoying man-cat-moron! You wait… And you wait. And finally… Click.

"Moltar Productions, head of security speaking. State your business."

Numbuh 362. That big brat sitting on the big throne of the KND. And here she was, sounding… Well, more depressed than usual.

"Well, well, well. Numbuh 362. I am most disappointed. Here I thought you were the only brat capable of picking up a phone. But you KND do find new ways to earn my Ire."

"Sir, is there a reason you have called me? All death threats, terrorist invoices, ransom demands, and personal attacks should be directed to Moltar Production's public resources depar-"
"What? NO! I HATE those things! I'm calling to see WHY you and your punks haven't even bothered to attack me since you dropped your crummy MOONbase on ME!"

"Sir, as per studio procedures, I am not… Hold on."

The phone line goes silent. When it picks up next, 362 is gone, and the voice is a deepy, booming voice, as smooth and warm as molten lava.

"Yo, this is Moltar speaking. I was wondering what this phone line was for!"

"Moltar? Who the heckfire is that?"

"Uh, me. And you? Wait, are you like these kids' parents?"

"What? No, I'm their enemy!"

"Ahhh, okay, weird. Your line says Father."

"Yes, that's my NAME."

"Your name is Father?"

"YES."

"Who names their kid Father? Somebody with specific expectations?"

"Well, no, I named myself."

"And you named yourself Father? How does that make it better?"

"It… Well, it sounds intimidating!"

"Maybe to fuckin' children, dude."

What a potty mouth.

"Well, obviously."

"...I don't understand what you mean by that."

"Understand what?"

There is an awkward silence that seems to drag out forever. However, you eventually hear some typing.

"What are you doing over there?"

"Shmoogling."

"What?"

"Forget it. Ah, there we- Oh wow."

"What… AGAIN?"

"You said you were Father, right?"

"Yeah?"

"Like, Father who owns a megacorp?"

"Yes."

"Father who fought a whole army of aliens?"

"Correct."

"...Wanna be on my show?"

Reward: Father has been invited to appear on Moltar Coast to Coast!

-[X] Persuade Stickybeard to Stay
(27)
As Father approaches Sitckybeard, you two take some time on the deck to drink a few root beers. You remember the good ol' days, of chasing treasure and stealin' candy from kids. Good times. Stickybeard agrees.

They were good times, weren't they?

Stickybeard takes a long, deep breath, and looks out towards the sea, the asparagus rippling gently below the surface. You looked at him, trying to pierce the candy coated layer of sugar and glazing. For a moment, he almost looks… Eager. Almost anxious. Like he was just about to jump out and start swimming across the sea. A swimmer late to the race desperate to catch up, to catch the thrill of the victory line.

But he turns back to you. He says he will stay a bit longer. For old time's sake.

Reward: Stickybeard will remain a free agent for one more turn.

-[X] Recruit Hex

When the time came, the decision was rather difficult. But, admittedly, extremely neato. Walking into the waiting room, you watched the two wizards floating mid air, arcane power swirling around the room, lashing out and blasting your parlor room apart. Now, sure, that made you mad. But a wizard battle for the ages was pretty spectacular. Not to mention, seeing them both so eager to get the job really made it hard to choose. When it came down to it though, Hex proved at least to be the more cunning of the two, and was also the lower bid. Carefully channeling your anger, Hex managed to use the surge of power to throw Orpheus off his balance, pinning him to the ground. Glowing chains erupted from your throw rug, binding him to the ground.

"Well put, Necromancer." Hex said, looming over Orpheus.

"And you yourself are a challenging opponent indeed, sorcerer. Tell me, do you already have a nemesis?"

"No… That is an odd question."

"Well, if you ever wish to have a foe to oppose, then I think I could provide a rather excellent rival."

"I… Cannot claim to understand your suggestion."

"Here, my card."

Flicking his head, a small tendril of magic slipped into his coat and produced a card for both you and Hex.

"Well, I Can tell a wizard duel winner when I see one. Hex, you're hired. Mr. Orpheus… Uh, I guess I could talk about renting an apartment for you." You said, shaking Hex's hand.

"Delightful."

Hank
-[X] Go Selling
(85)
Hank does what Hank does best. While it isn't exactly propane, he is more than competent and agreeable enough to sell Adult Co. products and Adult Co. product accessories. While many see the obvious value of giant robots and lasers, not many see the value of paperwork, coffee, and pens. Hank does a wonder to change that perception, and soon, more than a few companies have begun to order paper supplies directly from Adult Co. You are very happy to hear this.

Reward: Adult Co. products go up in sales, and stronger connections to those who buy your product.

Tolienator
-[X] Deal with Numbuh 13
(46)
Tolienator begins another chase with Numbuh 13, and Numbuh 13 causes more trouble. Watching from your office window, you see Tolienator stumble about, shooting toilet paper, throwing toilet cakes, and generally being a disgusting mess. Tolienator eventually does chase out Numbuh 13, but you are certain that's not the last you'll see of him.

Reward: Numbuh 13 is someone else's problem for the time being.

Izzy
-[X] Create Podcast
(56)

"Getting Dizzy with Izzy" hits the air-waves this weekend, a live production crewed by Total Drama's most popular deranged lunatic, Izzy! At least, that's how Izzy is pitching it. She had tried to call it the Izzy Iz-perience, but she changed her mind last minute. Perhaps it had something to do with the guest, who in this case, seemed to be a straight up ghost. For real. Pale white, floating, revolutionary era clothing, had a weird accent and ghost cat and everything. Mudsy or something, like some sort of funky phantom. Either way, Izzy seemed to get a kick out of it, and all it cost her was a trip to some random clock tower.

"So, tell me, Mr Funky Phantom: What's it like being dead?"

"Oh, it's terrible, just terrible! I'm all pale, and ghostly, and intangible even!"

"I can imagine why that would suck."
"Oh, you don't even know the half of it! And the half you do, well, yeah, its really awful, it really is!"

"I see. And the ghost cat? Was he a revolutionary as well?"

"Well, of course, obviously, who else was going to hunt British mice even, hm?"

"Ooh, right, duh! Izzy moment there! So, why not tell us a bit about the whole 'Revolutionary War' thing! Seems interesting enough!"

"Oh, of course! It was a cold, cold, wet and windy night in valley forge, and let me tell you, it was so cold, you could freeze a fire! Now, me and snagglepuss were deep behind enemy lines…

Well, there wasn't too much to be learned, but it was entertaining. Plus, you got to learn ghosts were real! That's…. Mildly disturbing!

Reward: +2 to Izzy Occult.

 

[HellaCooltricks]

HEATING UP


Pride, triumph, and the arrogance of another successful conquest. That was what you were feeling, burning like a furnace in your chest, driving you on despite the cold. Another string of crushing gem defeats had made you quite sure of your abilities and actions, and even as you rode on to another victory-to-be, you were certain that it would end the same for whoever stood in your way.

It was only when you saw the orange streak burst from the treeline did you begin to have second thoughts. Before you could even react, you were face-first in the snow, trying to pull the pieces of what occurred into something coherent. One moment, you were riding high. Next moment, you watched as the two halves of the tank you had been standing atop fell over. Picking yourself up, you had only a few moments before the orange streak came blasting back, smashing a hole straight through the hull of another vehicle. As you rose to your feet, the snow already evaporating around you, soldiers poured from their vehicles or armed themselves the best they could. Leaping over a tank half, Izzy lands beside you as a sheep randomly pops out of the wreckage and runs off.

"We've got bogies!"

"I am AWARE."

You scan the horizon. Flitters of energy blasted between the trees and at the edges of snowbanks, all the while the orange streak flashed through the air, wheeling about like a comet with a mind of its own, before crashing down into another line of vehicles. Where it hit, it simply carved through armor and metal, leaving a clean-cut hole. Where it went, the tanks voided their warranties. But that was only the initial attack; the gems weren't just about to play fair, no siree. An armored car was tossed overhead by a physical shunt of hard light fired from one of their cannons. The battle quickly consumed your surroundings in the chaos unrelenting.

You stand still.

Perfectly still.

Like the eye of the hurricane, you stand amidst the chaos of war. Vehicles are flung, bullets punch holes through the light-forms of gems. Tracking the blazing ball of orange light, which tore through ground, metal, and men like a buzzsaw through paper, you realized that it wasn't moving at random at all. Every time it swooped down, it would carefully realign itself before coming down again, and again, and again. Being nearly impossible to track, the ball was making short work of the entire battalion all on its own, until it made the crucial mistake of swerving its trajectory directly toward you.

"ENOUGH."

Throwing up a single hand, you reach out and catch the combative-celestial object. The raging inferno smashed against your invisible force, making you dig your heels deep into the rapidly melting frozen soil. As you slowly budge, you raise your other hand, clenching the comet mid-air. Trapped in space, it began to spin faster, faster, and faster, until it was practically radiating heat. Inch by inch, it moved, forcing its way closer to you, slicing through the very air itself, until it was only a foot away from you.

And then down it went, as you slammed the blazing ball down into the dirt, like an irate child tossing down a particularly disfavored toy. The spinning orb slammed down into the crust, creating a nigh-perfect circular incision into the earth, before vanishing out of sight.

"Phew."

Taking a moment to wipe the sweat off your brow, you straightened up and sauntered over to the hole, curious about just where you sent whatever that was. Izzy moved forward as well, peering deep into the deep, dark abyss.

"You figure I sent it to CHINA?"

"Can't count out the possibility."

"Well, THEN IT ain't OUR problem ANY… Wait.."

That's when you got a face-first collision with what you could only assume was a sooper atomic jackhammer. Skidding back, stars filling your vision, you crumple into the smoldering remains of a nearby tank, just narrowly dodging the snow banks nearby. You cradle your ACHING head, trying to figure out what exactly you just had a face-first collision with. Was it some sort of new super weapon from the Gems? Did somebody throw a grenade at your face? Was it actually just an escaped monkey wielding a big cartoon hammer? Or maybe it was the giant hat of punishment that also looked like a hammer? Before you could pry yourself free, however, you got your answer.

Somehow, it was both as stupid, and as threatening, as the monkey with a hammer.

"Hello, Earthling."

A massive orange-woman wretched you out of the tank, hoisting you up by the scruff of your silhouette. Over her shoulders, a white cloak pocketed with bullet holes gently blew in the wind, and on her face… Well, you SUPPOSE it was some kind of hammer… helmet… hammer-helmet thing. And oh god, what was wrong with her nose? No wonder she needed a helmet! Her body had a tight combat outfit wrapped around it, black and maroon in color, and her skin itself had jagged stripes of dark orange over a lighter shade. However, you got a really nice look at the Hammer Helmet when she reared her head back, and came in for another headbutt.

Vanishing from her grasp, her head flew right through the cloud of black smoke, and into the hull of the fighting machine. Appearing back towards the hole she emerged from, the giant woman is already upon you, charging you like a cannon-ball with legs, her head cocked forward like the hammer of a gun. You hardly have time to react, and before you can even move, she's upon you- only to trip forward unexpectedly, giving you just enough time to duck to the left of her blow. You spot Izzy at the last moment, and jump up from the ground, before tumbling over to your side, rubbing a bruise that was forming on her leg.

"Holy crap, that was like tripping an elephant! You okay Benny?"

"BENNY? How did- Ah, forget IT!"

"You're welcome by the way!"

You didn't have time to properly scald the twenty-something, as the walking orange mountain came charging again, laughing. As you raise your hands to blast her, she impacts, catching your hands with her own, and pushing you into a struggling deadlock. While beyond that of a mortal man, even your own powers seemed just barely sufficient to hold back her ragged advance. Yet when you and the mighty gem clashed, you swore you could almost see her smiling, her lips upturned in cruel delight.

"And here I thought all you Earthlings were pathetic weaklings! That the gems here were just useless, lousy defects who couldn't deal with a few organic lifeforms and their toys! Imagine my surprise when it turns out that not all of you little meat-puppets aren't so pathetic!"

"YOU almost look HAPPY to find that out!"

With an unexpected motion, the massive gem-warrior gave way, letting you collapse forward. She fell on her back slamming her boots directly into your gut as she pulled you into the air. Pain wracked your body, muscles tensing and mind spinning off into a thousand directions. This had been the first time you'd properly been hit in quite some time, some small part of you thought as you went flying once more. Crashing into the snowbank, this time you felt that bitter cold bite into your bones. But at least the mound of frost gave you a better position to see her approach.

"Oh, I am happy. Happy to finally have something to kick around! Now show me what you've got!"

Here she went again, running headfirst, head cocking back and ready to deliver a skull-cracking blow. Izzy was far too back to catch up, and the army was still dealing with the rest of this gem's guard. Whoever she was, it seemed she had brought troops made of sterner stuff. It all fell on you. The pressure was mounting, and with every second, she was zeroing in, like a cruise missile on legs with an attitude to boot.

Thankfully, this whole encounter had made you more than a little annoyed. Your shadowy body twisted, unfurling itself before returning back to a standing position. Never minding how you did such a feat with such speed, you were not about to let this giant cheese-poof-colored mook land another kick, punch or headbutt against you if you could help it. With a simple flex of your fingers, the fires of your rage were summoned to your hands, and you fell into your old, practiced motions. Chucking with raging abandon, the fireballs flew freely.

The warrior leaped from place to place, just narrowly dodging, and ducking each one, closing in faster and faster, her body glowing with heat and power. With fireballs doing no good,you simply throw your arms out, letting loose a blanket of embers that was soon stoked into a raging inferno. You knew it wouldn't stop her; or at least, you didn't think it would. But you just needed a moment to reach real deep. You just had to think of things that made you angry. That gem's stupid helmet. That stupid dork Mandark. Tolinator's constant incompetence!

The KND! NUMBUH ONE! MONTY!!

You snapped back to reality. Your eyes blaring with malefic flame, you waited. The warrior-gem cut through the flame, just as you expected, but so much slower now. It was almost as if time was slowing down itself. If it was, or if it wasn't, it didn't matter too much. It was already too late for her.

"IT'S OVER!"

"EXCUSE YOU!"

It wasn't the coolest comeback but it hardly mattered. Like a lighter in a gas-filled room, all you had to do was gesture your hand out, and find the spark and then-

BOOM.

Ice melted, trees wilted, and what had once been a brisk winter's morning was suddenly turned into a summer bonfire. Blasting out like a gout of water from a busted damn, the fire poured out of you viciously, cutting through the sky, and engulfing the charging gem warrior. Your eye twitched in an evil pride that only a confident victor knew.

That was about when the headbutt finally connected, your hands flinging up and catching the sides of the crash-helm in only a fraction of a heartbeat. She was still going, still charging at you. Huffing, puffing, covered in soot, roasted by a fire that would disintegrate a concrete slab, and she was still going, still barreling down on you.

"WHAT IN the HECKFIRE!?! WHO are YOU!?"

She laughed at that, even as you struggled to hold her back, the fueled, manic look in her eyes burning as she grinned.

"I am the commander of this colony! My name is Jasper, and I am your enemy!"

"I see, MISS JASPER! Then I suppose I SHOULD give you a TIME OUT!"

It was your turn for a dirty trick. Sweating under the pressure, you just barely had enough time to force her head down, slamming her face first into your knee. Holy apple-schnapps, was Izzy not kidding! It just felt like you slammed your knee into a concrete wall! The second she hit your knee, you swore you felt like you had broken it. But as Jasper went spiraling through the air, you were satisfied that it evidently hurt her more than it hurt you. As she smacked into the defrosted ground, you were already getting ready for round two, fire springing to life in your hands once more. That wouldn't come to pass just yet though, as green flashes of light appeared around the battlefield. Rising into the sky, the orbs seemed to be encapsulating the fallen gems, before one by one, vanishing. You watched the strange spectacle for a bit longer than you should have, almost forgetting the fight, before turning back to Jasper. She was gone, having seemingly crawled into the very tunnel you had made her dig, leaving you alone in the field, with just you, Izzy, the soldiers, and a few random sheep, breaking for the treeline.

In the aftermath of the ambush, you had found that almost the entirety of the convoy you had been with had been utterly devastated, either through Jasper's personal attacks or by the artillery of the gems. Of the 137 armored fighting vehicles you had rolled out with, only less than a quarter remained, with the vast majority simply and totally bisected by her, or crushed by the solid-light-laser cannons employed by the gems and the Roboids. Worse still, it seemed the gems had managed some sort of retrieval system for their fallen. The soldiers termed it as 'bubbling', as the gems seemed to bubble on their own before vanishing.

It wasn't a total loss, however. After their defeat here, the gems were forced back, and seemed to have completely abandoned the siege of Toronto, finally giving the city some relative feeling of peace. Izzy also made sure to snatch a couple of the fallen Quartz-class gems, and was able to successfully take the Gem's laser cannons as trophies of war. Some of the soldiers have started to call you the Champion of Ontario, and the Hero of the War. There were even rumors that the higher ups were going to give you a medal with honors!

Yuck, pass. What do they think you are, some kind of sooperhero?


REWARDS:

Toronto has been liberated! The gems will not be coming back here for some time.

Jasper is out of commission! She cannot perform actions next turn.

Laser Light Cannons have been acquired!

Gem prisoners of war have been captured!

Actions for Canada are now available!

Father's public image has changed significantly!

 

[HellaCooltricks]

NETWORK VOTE:
[ ] Ultimate Exposure:
Originally a celebrity focused news network, the Nanite Event changed everything. After covering a celebrity gone EVO that earned them booku ratings, Ultimate Exposure has taken on the niche of the world's foremost network when it comes to covering EVOs and their related happenings.

[ ] Harangue Nation:
Aliens, aliens and aliens! Aliens are invading your nation, your city, your neighborhood, your summer camps; at least, that's what Harangue Nation seems to suggest. They've taken quite a hardline stance on those visitors from beyond. You'll have to fire that main anchor though, he's an absolute idiot.

[ ]Lightning News:
The good ol' reliable Adult News [ Network. At least that's how you remember it. Mr Boss was the nominal leader of it, and since he abandoned ship, it's mostly fallen to the wayside.

[ ]National Exaggerator:
Your one stop source of conspiracy, tall tales and rumors galore. Located in Coolsville near Crystal Cove, it's full of all sorts of scary, monster tales.

[ ] World Weekly News:
Dry, blunt and to the point, WWN is an excellent, if boring, source of world wide news. Their reporters are some of the hardest of the bunch.

[ ] Write In:
Pick one from CN in general or make one up!


You'll have till the Rival Report to Vote!

 

[HellaCooltricks]

TURN 3 - RIVAL REPORTS


Black Hat Organization

[ ] Run "Advertisement" Program
Success
Did you know you buy from Black Hat? At least, that's what the telly-vision is saying. You watch in near disbelief as the ad plays on, showing you personally buying cakes from him, which personally infuriates you. How dare he! You didn't take four years of Home-Economics to have such slanderous lies told regarding you! Every cake your children have ever had stolen was from yours truly! Not only that, but that insidious hatter has even taken the likeness of numerous other villains and used them for marketing purposes as well! And you thought Eddy was villainous.

[ ] Cloning Program
Failure
The Black Hat cloning program has faced some recent interruptions; namely, the escape of one of its results, which has caused the entire program to be closed prematurely under the authority of Black Hat himself. Where the escaped clone is, however, is unknown.

[ ] Recruit Nicole Waterson
Success
In search of a moderating influence on his two most notable subordinates, Black Hat Org. has been putting out tendrils in the workforce. Glowing reviews have been posted by minor villains online about how Black Hat was able to provide savage, smart, and sensible aid all in one package. It seems that their newest hire was the key to unlocking more potential in the field, being a graduate from the "Devil's University for Crime". You would never expect it from the looks of her though, what with her having a 'suburban feline mother' sort of look.


Endsville Energy Solutions

[ ] Solidify Government Support
Success
With the victories of the war stacking up in America's favor, Mandy has been making a very solid push to fill in the power vacuum opening up. Backing Canadian and American candidates in turn, Mandy has made it a priority to fund and prop up as many people willing to work for or with her as possible.

[ ] Encourage Daemonic Settlement
Success
Many people in the state of Texas were treated to a more diverse community in these past few months, as denizens from the Underworld begin to settle in towns and cities. They've found great success in finding business niches, ranging from hot new rap artists to hot lava waste dumps. With many very different kinds of species interacting, you would expect a high degree of culture clash from the locals, but they seem to have found common ground in how absolutely stupid all of them seem to be to you. Time will tell how these new Underworld expatriates will adjust to surface life.

[ ] Establish Southern Diplomacy
Failure
In a shocking turn of events, Mandy failed to establish a new branch of Endsville Energy Solutions south of the border. After months of closed-doors negotiations, El Presidente Tez and Presidente Hector Con Carne have publicly refuted the energy company's suggestions for both of their countries. Neither Mexico nor Country Con Carne (a new Latin American entity) will utilize Underworld Energy, and instead find their solutions elsewhere. In turn, Mandy has remained silent, but has looked particularly upset to those that know her. To most people, however, she looks about the same.


Gem Homeworld Colony

[ ] Innovate Emergency Bubbling Technique
Success
United States Soldiers out in Canada have been noticing something strange out in the field. Oftentimes, after pushing back Gem forces, sifting through the rubble has soldiers finding small gems protected in bubbles. Touching these bubbles causes them to disappear in a burst of distortion and light. It's unsure what this means for the war effort, but it does mean that prisoners are even harder to come by in this conflict.

[ ] Innovate Technologies
Success
As humans press deeper into Gem held territory, the alien menace have finally begun to adapt their technology. Despite the initial setbacks, new forms of Gem weaponry have begun to deploy. Gem Warriors on ski-equipped structures and vehicles have proven to be particularly dangerous, and new forms of weaponry that fire energy-pucks with devastating impacts have slowed the advance in conjunction with the utterly desolate north.

[ ] Ambush Father
Failure
Commander Jasper's first defeat in the Gem-War was a humiliating one. Reports indicate that the strike on your convoy was not a regular confrontation; it had been a direct attack on YOU. She had personally seen you as a challenge to conquer, a tactical asset that had to be removed from the field at all costs. And she failed. You couldn't imagine how she was feeling. You, on the other hand, were left feeling pretty good.


The Guild of Calamitous Intent

[ ] Assign Threat-Level
CRITICAL SUCCESS
It was an odd day when you received a letter bearing the symbol that you just barely knew belonged to that enigmatic Guild. When Sir Toasty brings in the mail and newspapers, you begin to wonder that perhaps you had finally gotten invited to this so-called exclusive club of soopervillains!

When you finally cut open the letter, it turns out that you have not been accepted into the Guild. You're steamed at the snub, but at least you've been given a threat rating. You're certified to be a 10. A 10 out of what? The paper is frustratingly vague on that, but it better be out of 10!

[ ] Expand into Canada
Success
Many of the remaining Canadian public have been left in a hard situation due to the Gem annexation. Those who are left are left with broken rubble and little industry after their occupation. Luckily, the Guild has been there to pick things up for them! Regular staff and minion recruitment have been steadily increasing from Canada, while the resentment of the people has given rise to a large population of beginner villains.

[ ] ???
A new Villain has been recruited.


Katz Ventures

[ ] Develop More Nowhere Agriculture
Success
Katz has recently begun a program to cultivate the very few spots of arable land left in Nowhere. People have been encouraged to spread out and start their own farm plots in exchange for having their food supplies taken care of by Katz Ventures until the first farming cycle is up. Crops are expected to come out from their newly established fields in great numbers, assuming the new farm hands are successful. If not, their contract states they will be put to use in other fields. For now though, old windmills and lonely farmhouses have sprouted over the lands like the crops they desire.

[ ] Invest into Detroit
Failure
Despite only the purest of intentions, Katz has seemingly failed to make much progress into "No More Motors" City. All of the manufacturing could provide for a massive industrial boost to his company, yet local resistance and new start ups have successfully staved off his predatory acquisition staff.


Mandark Co.

[ ] Field Test
Success
After the data has been compiled and the results calculated, Mandark is pleased. He makes it quite clear that not only did his battle-roids prove more than capable in the field, but he intends to pursue the defeat of the Gem invaders as well. While not exactly cooperating with the government, Mandark's machinery has already begun to hit the field as a defense force against any further incursions south.

[ ] Develop Alternative Energy
Success
Mandark isn't one to be left behind; utilizing his vast genius, he has begun to craft a new energy system, one that won't be reliant on the weaknesses of old systems, and won't be as barbaric or crude as his contemporaries. While he has kept the secrets of this new energy solution under wraps, his PR machine has already been hyping it up.

[ ] Present the Think-Tank
Success
It is with grand theatrics, and more then a little showboating, that Mandark has begun to reveal his latest project, the project he claims will change the world: The Think Tank. A collaboration of the brightest minds of a generation, working in tandem to build a new future for the world. Already he has begun to select a number of brilliant minds in the world, a select few that Mandark has chosen to work with, and while the exact persons he has chosen are unknown, rumors abound.

Scam Co.

[ ] Recruit Mr. Bossman
Success
Mr. Boss has sent you a letter! A letter of resignation! It seems that he's found work as Chief Financial Officer over at Scam Co. It seems that with nothing left for him over here, he's moved on to greener pastures. How wonderful FOR HIM.

[ ] Expand into Canadian Market
Success
Scam Co's ramshackle product line has been pushing into the recovering Canadian market. Surprisingly, this seems to be exactly what was needed for the Canadian public at the time!

Most people have been buying Eddy's products and then breaking down their individual pieces for the resources needed and putting them towards their own personal works. Like some sort of Megablock mix and match. It doesn't matter much to Eddy, since his products are still being bought.

U.S. Government

[ ] Commission Propaganda
Success
"This time, on the daring adventures of… THE PATRIARCH! THE CANADIAN AVENGER! The silhouetted problem-solver, and his impeccable assistant Kaleidoscope, have found themselves deep within the dangers of the wide, open north, fighting the evil forces of Dr. Japser and her legion of Techni-colored Alien Invaders! In their latest escapade, the duo recently saved General Nonspecific from-"

You turned the TV off before you could become any more embarrassed.

It seems that your escapades in the North have made you a notable figure. After Black Hat's advertisements, you're pretty ambivalent on this reveal. At the very least you're getting some royalties for your image, which is nice of them considering they aren't using your direct likeness and aren't obligated to do so.

[ ] Find Suitable Candidate for President
CRITICAL SUCCESS
It's been a very well kept secret that the actual president of the U.S. for the past hundred years, Ronald Reagan, has recently been caught in a time paradox and been ripped apart across space and time. Well, it was until they told you. You're a bit… stunned to say the least. However, they believe they have found an exceptional replacement, who is already wildly ahead in the preliminary polls. One I. M. Weasel has been topping the charts, and while many have criticized his idiotic running mate I. R. Baboon, his charming and well-spoken presence has been rapidly winning the public over.

[ ] Argue for the Effectiveness of Sheep Tanks
CRITICAL SUCCESS?

"THEY WORK. YOU JUST PUT THE SHEEP IN BACKWARDS."

General Specific went into great detail in a national address on how all of those sheep-powered tanks worth billions of dollars in military research and spending (mostly spending) actually weren't a colossal waste of moolah. You could swear they were absolutely useless out there, less helpful than the tanks that shot artillery shells rather than sheep-powered laser beams, but then again, he is the expert.

"ON THE SUBJECT OF BUDGET, WE NEED ABOUT THREE, MAYBE FOUR ZILLION MORE OF THESE THINGS FOR THE NEXT MAJOR OFFENSIVE."

You nearly reach for your wallet to make a donation right away when you realize you could write them off on your taxes.

Sheep-powered tax shelters! What a world we live in.


Puma-Dyne Weapon Systems

[ ] Fund Archeological Digs
Failure
While little is known about the workings of Puma-Dyne Weapon systems, it does still seem odd that they keep funding dig sites for medieval relics in the continental United States. But yet they continue. Go figure.

[ ] Develop Cybernetics
Success
Rolling out their new line of cybernetic limb replacements, these solid-steel implants and limbs have proven to be rather popular amongst those who lost their body parts in the great Canadian wars. The fact that they are weapons grade though, have raised some eyebrows, but nothing that the Mayor of Megakat city hasn't allowed to flow out of his city.


Providence

[ ] Contain EVO Presence
Failure
Providence was built upon securing the EVO outbreaks and erasing their presence in the public eye. While the latter point is rather moot these days, that doesn't excuse the failing on their part for these recent EVO outbreaks. The organization seems a bit stretched thin as multiple beings turn EVO across the seaboard, causing strange and destructive events throughout the nation. It's left to the native inhabitants to deal with these mutated victims in the wake of so many nanite activations, often to mixed results.




Paradigm Corporation

[ ] Repair City Domes
Success
With alien invaders no longer on his doorstep, Alex Rosewater has begun to use his corporation to repair the massive domes that surround Paradigm City. Slowly, dome by dome, Rosewater has made progress, all the while welcoming those looking for a safe, profitable and comfortable place to live and do business in.

McLean Productions

[ ] Begin Production of Total Drama: O' Canada
Success
Capitalizing on the foreign war effort, Chris has announced a new season that takes his campers out into the war-torn battlefields of the Gem-War. It seems that a good portion of his audience are treating his newest season as their news source, and that the Canadian public are surging in droves to watch in a sense of patriotism. It seems that this foray into more political matters has been a hit!

VenTech Ind.

[ ] Release the V-Phone X
Success
A new smartphone has been trending among the teens lately. To differentiate itself from its competition, the company has claimed that it will have a signal anywhere, from the moon to the bottom of the ocean! It's built tough and has long-lasting battery life. It has all the basics covered from what you can see. Some of your military contacts have even been seen with a few. Without any major innovations, it seems here to stay for a while.

[ ] Research Advanced Medical Diagnostics
Failed

VenTech seems to be making significant strides in developing new and advanced Medical Diagnostic systems. However, their goal of developing not only a diagnostic system capable of providing real time assessments of bodily health, but creating a machine capable of actively fighting diseases such as cancer has proven to be a fence that the young start up can't quite jump.

Moltar Coast to Coast

[ ] Advertise for Mystery Celebrity
Success
It doesn't take a genius to figure out who that silhouette on Moltar's Mystery Guest Guess-who segment is. But Moltar certainly has made a field day out of it. While you haven't really even pinned the date yet, Moltar has already begun to crank up the news cycle, and begun hyping up a new "Very Popular" mystery guess that is to appear on his show! It's been helping his ratings quite a bit already. It also means that if you flake out, you'll have quite the egg on your face in the eyes of the public, which would be annoying. Almost enough to make sunny-side up 10x over!

NEW HERO:

Hex
Martial: 27 (Fighting a war against an evil magic turtle, and then surviving in another dimension has made Hex a proficient fighter in his pursuit of power)
Diplomacy: 10 (At his best, Hex can manage social relationships and even come off as charming. He does come off as cold or aloof to most though.)
Stewardship: 15 (As a former noble, Hex has some idea of how to properly lead and manage groups of people.)
Intrigue: 24 (In his long search for magical artifacts that would help restore his power, he has learned how to conceal his presence and spy from afar.)
Learning: 28 (Having spent long years in exile, from both his dimension and his niece, Hex has learned a great many fonts. He also has a doctorate.)
Occult: 28 (A master of the arcane, Hex is a full on wizard. While not the most powerful on Earth, he is more than respectable.)

Traits:
-Seeker of Lost Knowledge: +4 to Occult rolls when searching for hidden or lost magical artifacts
-Scholar of the Arcane: +3 to Stewardship rolls when teaching or leading lesser wizards.
-Noble in Exile: Allows for communication with and awareness of Charmcaster.

 

[HellaCooltricks]

A Christmas Without

Standing by your fireplace, mug in hand, you looked out over the dimming horizon of your snowcovered yard, protected from the chilling winds by a pane of glass. Despite your recent successes, it was hard to describe this year's holiday season as 'Jolly' in the slightest. It was only with Hank's help that you were able to get the decorations up, and it was only thanks to Tolienator's clueless pestering about a christmas party that you were able to get anysort of seasonal event together. But you had thrown something together, as small and modest as it was. Truth be told, you didn't even remember your yearly evil scheme for Christmas.

Although, that really wasn't your idea most of the time either.

Taking a long sip of your cocoa, you looked around the ballroom, covered in tinsel, furnished with what decorations you could muster. It was mostly a business sort of thing, a company christmas party. Hank, of course, wasn't there for the occasion, as he had already cleared his time off well ahead of schedule. It was mostly a few upper-management people, along with hordes of men and women wearing suits and ties, either enjoying themselves or vying for attention. More then a few yuppies had tried to come close to you, but you just weren't really in the mood to talk.

So, instead, you stood to the side of the room, near the twenty-foot-tall Christmas tree that you personally ordered to be chopped down. You had kind of hoped to find a pine tree with an old KND fort still in it, but the practicality of the situation saw that you would simply have to do with the extremely endangered species of Pinus Ilexiocosa. Plus, you didn't feel like putting in a skylight to fit an entire tree fort in. That'd be one hell of an eyesore, even if you did get to eventually BURN it afterward.

The emotion in the room was… Well, not precisely tense. Uncertain was a much more accurate word, but with a seasonal dash of relief. Afterall, the company had just finally gotten back on its feet thanks to your return, and with your supposed patriotism (you weren't even American), you had secured a lot of goodwill from the people and the government. Just yesterday, you had signed a deal to start supplying the state with a great deal of paper. So it would be wrong to say you were doing bad. But for everyone else, things were so new, so raw. It felt like everything was going so fast, for so many. Chief Intelligence Agent Izzy was talking to a few of her "network" as she called it, tracking current rumors about other competitor's holiday parties. Chief of Occult Aquisitons Hex was arguing with that weirdo Morpheus about the validity of "Christmas" Magic being a thing.

"There is no such thing as "Christmas" magic. Perhaps you are confusing it for some sort of faith based manifestation, or a conjecture of winter-orientated magics with some other enchantments, but it makes no sense."

Hex said plainly, looking at Morpheus.

"Well, there is Christmas magic! Does Santa Claus not visit your home dimension?"

"No."

"Hm. Not even on off years?"

"No."

"Do you even know who Santa Clause is?"
"No. Till this point, I was not aware Santa Clause was a person."

"Oh dear. Well, I suppose I best begin at the start. In the small town of Bethlehem…"

Tolienator, thankfully, was nowhere to be seen. You had thought up the excellent idea to tell Tolienator you needed all fifty-five of your homes forty-two restrooms properly decorated to the highest degree. Beneath the shadows, you smirked at that one. That'd keep the idiot busy for a while.

Your smile didn't last long though, as your melancholy mood returned. As you walked over to your armchair, Sir Toasty took the time to refill your cocoa, adding in a few marshmallows. This was the good stuff; the best money could buy, really. Imported straight from the Chocolate Volcano. Marshmellows harvested from the sugar clouds of the lost continent of Confecturia. Your armchair itself was made from the guts of a thousand rainbow monkey dolls, the softest material known to man, and was upholstered by a secret cabal of Ottomans.

You still didn't feel happy.

It took a bit of time for you to finally figure out precisely what was wrong. Why you were feeling this way.

You were missing something.

It was at that point you decided to focus on something else, and that something else was Sir Toasty. His pistons broiling as he approached, you wondered why he was doing that in the first place. It was only when he handed you a small brown-paper covered package that you realized he was delivering your mail.

A few christmas cards were included, but the package was what most struck your curiosity. Well, that and a invitation with a strange symbol on the front. Starting with the package, you hold it up to your ear, rattling it around.

"SIR Toasty. Who EXACTLY delivered this?"
The knight-robot steamed, fire flashing a sign representing a lack of information. Typical. You look back at the package, thinking it over. Some part of you did say that it was a trap. But another part of you was just dying to see what was in it. You hold back as much as possible, but eventually, your need to see what was inside won out. Ripping apart the paper, you quickly find a small box inside, and inside of that, a small pair of reading glasses. Picking them up, you peer through them, more than a little confused. The colors of the fire begin to blur, refracting before your eyes. Blinking, you take them off, and as you do so, your fingers feel a small slip on the side of the frame. Pulling at the slip reveals a small piece of paper, addressed to you.

Seen you've been busy. Thought you might like another perspective. Merry Christmas.

-Family

Looking back at the glasses, a flurry of thoughts hit you. This had to be Monty. You were certain. But why obscure it? And why the glasses? What was he getting at? Picking up the glasses again, you looked through them once more, the flurry of light and color filling your eyes. But after a minute or two of peering through them, the only insight you gained was that looking at weird colors spinning around gave you a headache.

"Whatcha got there boss?"

"HM? Oh hello Izzy."

The intrepid twenty something approached, curious as to what you got.

"Some kinda GIFT. Think it's from my brother."

"Huh. What's the weird letter for?"

"DUNNO."

Placing the glasses back down, you pick up the other piece of mail, ignoring three extra letters brought by Sir Toasty each labled O, S and I. It's a blue letter, an invitation obviously, made with expensive light blue paper and sealed with a genuine, honest to god, seal of wax. Stamped into it were the initials "O", "S" and "I" all at once. If memory served right, from your simple talks over the phone with the US Government, that was the Office of Sercet Intelligence. Was this some sort of important letter? Was there some sort of problem? Melting the wax away, you flip over the paper and….

Oh. It was a Christmas party invitation to the yearly OSI Christmas Ball. And… A warning? Evidently, they thought it prudent to mention that the possibility of an attack by "Santa Clausii" or Clasuses, was entirely possible, if not likely. They were not certain when, or how, but evidently there had been a multitude of Santa Clauses identified, and according to reports, old Saint Nick was not a good neighbor, nor did his giving attitude apply to other Santas.

How Delightful.



FATHERQUEST - ROUND 4

FATHER IS CURRENTLY [SMOLDERING COALS] [42]
Effects: +5 to Stewardship, -5 Diplomacy. Father in his most industrious and productive state, and seeks to complete his goals.

STICKY BEARD IS AVAILABLE FOR ACTIONS


NATIONAL ACTIONS

Select one in each category.

Spoiler: MARTIAL

[ ] Cut the Lawn
DC 80
With the kids on the run, your attention turns back to the monsters and ruffians, only to find them more than when you last looked. Things were getting a little bit more dicey out there, and bit by bit, some of them are crawling their way into the city and away from the fringes. It was about time you cleaned up this mess.
Reward: Giant monsters, mutants, and other weird things become pacified, reducing the chance that they try to attack again any time soon. May impress monster hunters.

[ ] Cut Down KND Treehouses
DC Variable
You've got those naughty Kids Next Door on the run. The dumb ones have already been rounded-up, but that leaves the kids that think they're oh-so-clever, hiding inside their sector treehouses. The joke's on them! They've got treehouses, but you've got chainsaws! Saw those strongholds of dissent down, and throw any KND operatives you get your hands on into permanent detention!
Reward: Sector treehouses in North America are cut down, further destabilizing the Kids Next Door remnant. Chances to capture notable KND operatives and confiscate 2x4 hardware are based on your level of success.

[ ] Train Ice-Cream Men
DC Variable
After months of being left to their devices, your ice-cream men have gotten out of shape. Well, having unlimited access to ice-cream and little supervision will do that to people. But no matter, after a run through your advanced training course, they'll be slinging scoops with the best of them.
Reward: Re-establishes professional Ice Cream Men guards, Increased security for Ice Cream Factory

[ ] Hunt Down Mother-Tie
DC 80
Your journal speaks of an ancient beast, hidden deep, deep within the forgotten mini-malls of Delaware. A monstrous creature, known only as the Mother-Tie, birther of all lesser ties. Its progeny have proven to possess a strange power to possess people, increasing their bureaucratic power, but at the rumored eating of the wearer's will to live. Hunting down the progenitor of them all could prove a boon to your business.
Reward: Capture of the Mother-Tie, Thread Decision

[ ] Continue to Fight Gems
DC 115
With the gems now on the back-foot, many are saying now would be the time to strike! It would take quite a while to get back to the front line now, and the Gems do seem to be quite well dug in. Rumors suggest that they've been pushed back to their main territory, but massive chasms filled with tunnels and strange machinery have proven difficult bastions to break.
Reward: Push the Gems back Further.

Spoiler: DIPLOMACY

[ ] Build Partnership with VenTech
DC 90
Building relations with the up and coming VenTech would be very profitable, that much is certain. You've opened the door, now all you need to do is set up an appointment with its owner, J.J. Venture. He's an optimistic sort, but after the loss of his brother, he's been looking for someone else to help support him; even if his brother didn't do much of that in the start.
Reward: Stronger relations with J.J. Venture and VenTech.

[ ] Set up a Lobbyist Group
DC 80
Listen, between you and the world, you're not quite sure what these people are doing, nor why you would pay them. But they have nice suits, and you've heard they can be good at talking the government into doing things.
Reward: Increased Influence in Government

[ ] Seek Presidential Candidates
DC Variable
With the election coming up, some of your subordinates have been suggesting you find a presidential candidate likely to win, and work out some sort of degree. Hank, for some reason, wants you to support some weirdo named 'Bush', but you'll keep your options open.
Reward: Presidential Sponsorship, rewards if they become president.

[ ] Support I.M. Weasel
DC 60
If you're looking to join the winning side, you could do worse than Weasel. Sure, he's very nominally not evil, but he is competent and smart. Of course, that means him being the president would make the leader of the US smart and competent. You're not sure if that's a good thing.
Reward: I.M. Weasel will gain more prominence with a major player (such as yourself) backing them. He will remember your support.

[ ] Locate Mr. Fizz
DC 65
You've finally gotten a lead on where your old Root Beer Baron wound up. Evidently, he's been hunting down soda-drinkers for the longest time in the Midwest. Rumor has it that he's even gotten in good with Katz as a hunter for Soda.
Reward: Potential Hero Recruitment

Spoiler: STEWARDSHIP

[ ] Implement Candy Stock Exchange
DC 75
The economy took some funny turns as of recent. Nation-backed currencies are out, and candy is in. If Stickybeard and his candy pirate ilk could become wealthy buccaneers overnight, why can't you get a sweet cut of the action? Set yourself up a candy stock market to take advantage of the new status quo.
Reward: Info on the economics of the world, and current extent of candy piracy. Keep track of candy stocks.

[ ] Contain Gem POWs
DC 80
Effectively dealing with these Gem POW is going to be tricky. On one hand, they don't have to eat, they don't need to sleep, and so long as they are in their gems, they don't cause trouble. When they're not in their gems, they can cause a big mess for everyone involved. Figuring out some way to properly contain them, or at least get them to stop thrashing their prisons would be very beneficial.
Reward: Risk of Gem POWs breaking out of confinement goes down. Cues thread decision.

[ ] Buy Scam Co. Products
DC 20
Advertising works, even on you. After the eleventy-billionth ad, you cave in and decide to buy a smattering of different products, items, services and more. For what it's worth, everything you decide to buy will be extremely cheap. With these prices, it's hard not to buy them!
Reward: Whatever your money gets you! Opens sub-vote for suboptimal products.

[ ] Re-Establish Coffee-rigs
DC 80
While it was true that you could "grow" certain beans, you knew that was just the weak sauce. What every adult craved was that dark-brown gold, Coffee! Capitalized for the trademark! Buried under the ocean floor, fermenting for thousands of years, this liquid motivator was the perfect choice to help boost production. The only problem was getting there; supposedly, pirates were abound these days, as were sea monsters. But the temptation of money (and coffee) was there.
Reward: Coffee Rigs, Future Sea Base Expansion, Adult Co. expansion

[ ] Develop Luxury Housing for Employees
DC 70
Well, not all your employees. That'd be silly. But it couldn't hurt to build some nicer housing for your biggest and most valuable underlings would make sense. After seeing all of your super villains run off the moment you left, it probably wouldn't hurt to keep them all anchored in one spot to ensure they don't run off. They'll probably appreciate the idea, and will (hopefully) keep them from moving into your house.
Reward: Increased Loyalty for Heroes, bonus loyalty for new recruited heroes

Spoiler: INTRIGUE

[ ] Investigate K.N.D. Whereabouts
DC 95
Hunting down the K.N.D., or brats as you call them, has slowly become a priority. After trouncing their little pockets of resistance, they seem to have really gone to ground, covering their tracks as much as they possibly can. But you are certain they're up to something! Even in defeat, you know their tenacity, resourcefulness and ability to annoy you can bring them back from the verge of utter collapse. You've been defeated more than once on the eve of total and complete victory, and you will not let it happen again.
Reward: Information regarding the last holdouts of the K.N.D.

[ ] Investigate the "Guild"
DC 70
So there's some other tough guys trying to edge in on your turf, eh? Well, you were the original one to set up villainy! Well, at least adult-themed villainy, and that's got to count for something. Monstroso mentioned something about these costumed villains while signing, and with a little sleuthing, you might be able to learn about them.
Reward: Discover the Guild of Calamitous Intent, and what their whole deal is.

[ ] Begin Total Drama Production Sabotage
DC 80
As a sign of good faith, and for added protection, Izzy has spilled the beans on pretty much everything she knew about Total Drama Productions. And oh boy, it's a doozy. Just from memory, she's been able to explain some of the different weak points in TDP's broadcasting, infrastructure and management. She's more than eager to get back at that idiot McLean, and this would be the first step forward.
Reward: Sabotaging of Total Drama Productions, weakening of Chris McLean

[ ] Investigate Paradigm City
DC 50
It was only a few months ago when you noticed a strange new city on the map. Paradigm City, a bustling metropolis located in a desert and right off the coast. You had never heard of such a place before, but evidently, it had been there for years. It was pretty reluctant to make contact with the wider world, but in doing so, it's grown to be quite the place of commerce. Its secured, enclosed domes have proved to be a reliable deterrent to outside threats when coupled with its mysterious robotic protectors.
Reward: Information about Paradigm city, establish contact with people within

[ ] Attend OSI Christmas Party
DC 70
After your service in the Great Canadian Offensive, and for your continued work with the Government, you've been invited to the annual OSI Christmas Party. While nominally a "good guy" sort of deal, many different organizations and superheroes will be in attendance. Though loathing the idea, you do realize that it would not only give you a chance to finally figure out the Guild is (from a biased place albeit), as well as get some info on the bigger picture of the world.
Reward: Better OSI Relations, Meet Different Secret Organizations, Scope out remaining "Heroes", Affiliation with OSI.
SPECIAL: Available for this round only.

[ ] Break Endsville Energy Solutions & Morbucks Oil Partnership
DC 90
The partnership between Morbucks Oil and Endsville Energy Solutions could potentially prove catastrophic for any future energy sector ventures of yours. Morbucks Oil owns thousands of oil reserves around the world, and is one of the biggest names in drilling. Meanwhile, Mandy has proven the viability of her Underworld Reactors. Combined, it could result in a massive power house - Quite literally in this case.
Reward: Damaging Mandy's economic power, halting merger

[ ] Locate Sector V Members
DC 80
Sector V, your arch-enemy. While there's no trace of Sector Z or Monty, there have been a few whispers here and there of what Numbuh 2, 3, 4 and 5 have gotten up to since your disappearance. You're inclined to hunt them down, and find out exactly what those little-snot-nosed children have gotten up to! The only thing you know for certain right now is that they seemed to have split up.
Reward: Leads on Sector V's locations.

Spoiler: LEARNING

[ ] Build an Even Bigger Robot
DC 75
That Mandark punk made a robot that's bigger and tougher than yours. You could be the bigger man about this and let it slide. On the other hand, you could be a bigger and better man by making a bigger and better robot that'll put that junior poindexter in his place!
Reward: Increased bonuses for your Giant Robot. This may instigate an escalating mech-building contest between you and Mandark. As the Even Bigger Robot is being made for spite first and practicality second, there will be diminishing returns and higher DCs if this keeps being taken.

[ ] Investigate 2x4 Technology
DC 80
After sending the KND remnant running home for their mamas, you came to an unpleasant realization. Those pesky Kids Next Door left without cleaning up all of their junk! Normally you would have torched a lot of it, but maybe it wouldn't hurt to have the lab techs study how those kids built all their little toys out of such haphazard, el-cheapo building material.
Reward: Father learns the base principles of 2x4 technology, the equipment and vehicles utilized by the Kids Next Door. Determines if industrial or commercial applications are possible.

[ ] Look for New Energy Sources
DC 65
After a thoroughly informative and well-put together slideshow from Hank, you've decided to pursue a new energy source. He has suggested that since Endsville Energy Solutions has begun to devour the current energy market, the purchase of propane and other natural gas at dirt cheap prices might help make you energy independent, as well as provide profits from shipping it over sea.
Reward: Increased presence in Energy Sector, new power plant, future overseas connections.

[ ] Continue Gem-Tech Development
DC 95
With Hank's breakthrough on retrofitting the Gem Warship with internal combustion technology, you have begun to learn how to reactivate Gem technology or integrate gem technology into Earth technology. While the ability to actually reverse engineer or reproduce the technology remains out of your current understanding or means, Hank believes with further research, Adult Co. might better refine its current methods, or even begin making a 'refined' version of some of their machinery.
Reward: Better understanding of Gem Tech principles

Spoiler: OCCULT

[ ] Research Shen Gong Wu
DC 85
Whatever that buffoon with the spiky red hair was on about sounded interesting. These 'Shen Gong-Wu' as Hex put it, are evidently mystical items capable of giving their wielders amazing powers. While your helmet was mostly just good at letting you look around, Hex says he has heard of more powerful artifacts; but first and foremost, you need a way to find them.
Reward: Find a way to locate Shen Gong Wu.

[ ] Research the Book of K.N.D.
DC 80
Looking over to the shelf, you spot the book. A chill runs down your spine, as just the sight of it brings back some bitter, hurting memories. That was the thing your brother had held so dearly, had caused your own fathers defeat twice, and eventually… his death. Gingerly picking it up, you dust off the cover. You supposed you were out to read it. Cracking open the book, you are met with singed paper, slight bits of ash, and something entirely incomprehensible. Page after page of gibberish, the words squirming and wriggling under your sight, never quite making sense. Oh wait, your glasses were off. Putting them on, and nope, it didn't help. Something strange was at work here, and you'd need to take some more time to figure it out.
Reward: Better understanding of the Book of K.N.D.

[ ] Establish Magical Protection
DC 75
With the recruitment of Hex, he has raised your attention to the lack of mystical wardings afforded to your home and its city. With time and resources put to the project, Hex can perform a basic abjuration ritual around your city, which should key lesser monsters and spellslingers to the idea that they should tread lightly. While it probably won't stop the big boys, it should at least tell you when they do something.
Reward: Magical Protection for Mansion

PERSONAL ACTIONS

Father receives 4 Personal Actions per round. Heroes have 1 Personal Action in addition to being assigned to a National Action.

Spoiler: FATHER

[ ] Go On Talk Show
Time to light the lights! Moltar has invited you up to the moonbase for a live interview! Boy howdy, you've only ever been up there to wreck and or destroy it! And to be broadcast on live television? The last time you did that was the VCA's! This oughta be a hoot and a holler!

[ ] Hold a Barbeque
If you were gonna get people back to your side, you knew the key to a lot of people's hearts. A good, old fashioned, personally cooked, Barbeque! And you were the best cook you knew. Not that'd you say it in front of Gramma Stuffum.

[ ] Visit Providence
This Providence group is strange - Haven't heard of them before, but they seem like a big deal. They hunt pretty much anything that moves, and aren't afraid to get a little dirty doing so. Maybe you could talk them into hunting down the KND? Classify them as terrorists or something.

[ ] Work on Sir Toasty (Again)
Well, now that Sir Toasty is up and running again, you're thinking about possibly adding some different bells and whistles to him. Maybe make him a bit smarter? Slight RAGE decreases.

[ ] Eat Ice Cream
Indulge yourself. RAGE decreases.

[ ] Visit Spankulot in Prison
Last you heard, Spankulot was in the hoosegow. You're not sure when that happened, but you can understand why. Sure, he was a villain, but even you admit, the whole "hunt down naughty kids and spank them" thing was a little too weird. It seems he was "canceled", both online and in real life. Better go visit and see how bad things have gotten.

Spoiler: HANK HILL

[ ] Hang Out in the Alleyway
Well, it's not really the alleyway, but the CEO's office corridor would be a good way to boost morale and meet people. He could even invite Mr. Father!

[ ] Look into What All This "Super Villainy" Is
Becoming a CEO of a big corporation is stressful. It can be even more disconcerting when he finds out that it also produces supervillain weapons and tools. Hank will try to come to an understanding with what he does.

[ ] Mow the Yard
Literally this time, not metaphorically. A healthy lawn leaves a healthy state of mind, doing some lawn work on Father's property is good exercise.

[ ] Hold a Barbeque
Have a barbeque! It won't be as good as Father's, but it will be certifiably Texan. Hank will host a barbeque and see who shows up!

[ ] Go to Texas for Christmas
Hank has requested the holidays off, to be with his friends and family. While he would very much like to go, it is up to you, however.

Spoiler: TOILETNATOR

[ ] Build an homage to Father
Tolienator did kinda mess up his fountain. Let's make a new one! Although, it will primarily be made of plumbing pipes and urinals. He'll probably like it?

[ ] Look for Friends!
Well, since all the villains left, Tolienator has mostly been left without a social circle. Time to fix that! Tolienator will try and find some friends to talk to. Keyword try.

[ ] Defend Toilets!
It is the Tolienator's duty to hunt down all those who would dare mock or desecrate those sacred potty places! He will be the ceramic avenger!

Spoiler: "IZZY"

[ ] Go Big Game Hunting
Taking a small excursion, Izzy will go out looking for something (or someone) big and scary. All this talk of monsters has made her more than happy to go out and take care of them herself.

[ ] Send Audition Tapes
Izzy will create audition tapes, mostly for movie studios not owned by Chris. While technically black listed, that hasn't stopped her before.

[ ] Spread Gossip
Nothing creates chaos like a good bit of drama, and Izzy can't help but push some dominoes over. She'll create some gossip and carefully put it into places outside of Adult Co.

[ ] Perform a stunt
Gotta give the people what they want, and what they want is Izzy! Izzy will go out and perform a death defying insane stunt - Or at least, that's what it will look like. In truth, it will just be an illusion, designed to trick the public.

Spoiler: "Hex"

[ ] Study new forms of magic
Despite his great deal of traveling, Hex claims that there are a great deal more magics in the world than he realized. Hex will take some time to study all this strange sorcery and make heads or tails out of it.

[ ] Set up a new Library
Every good magician needs a library. Where else would he study, store his studies, and think about more studies? Not to mention it would act as a place to store Hex's mystical tomes, artifacts and more. But he calls it a Sanctum. Whatever that is.

[ ] Inspect Father's Magic
Only having recently come under Father's employ, Hex has yet to understand the exact method by which Father draws his power. Hex will conduct a small personal study to see if he can bring out a deeper understanding of it.

[ ] Recruit a Hero
Hire a hero of the hero units currently available for acquisition. This costs two Personal Actions from Father to perform, and can only be taken once per round.

Spoiler: "Available Heroes"

[ ] Knightbrace
The Plaque Crusader, the shining knight of shiny teeth, and the retainered foe of all things unhygienic. It seems that he has lagged behind the other soopervillains in their rampages, as he has personally taken his time to hunt down each and every cavity in the area before moving on. This has made his progress rather slow, and easy to find: Just follow the dental floss and you'll find your man.

[ ] Mr. Wink and Mr. Fibb
The ominous, chair-bound Mr. Wink and Mr. Fibb are masters of engineering and are technical wizzes, making incredibly sophisticated robotic-chairs to do their dirty work. After seeing you make your return with a giant robot, they've approached you and are looking to join up once more.

[ ] Mr. Black and Mr. White
These two government agents are the picturesque men-in-black. Black suits, black glasses, crew cuts, and earpieces 24/7, they hit every checkmark one possibly could. Heck, the two look almost near identical. But personality-wise, they seem a bit more lax, and willing to help brush things under the rug, so long as it serves the Government's agenda overall.

[ ] Professor XXXL
This weirdo walked in with a turtle shell on his back, a lobster claw for an arm, a janky hair-cut and a hankering for Snow Cones. But he might just be turtle-lobster-jank-snowcone-maker mad scientist for you. Just don't call him that, it's never been proven in court.

[X] Skips
This burly, skipping, and gruff shirtless-Yeti was running a garage when you found him, but he knows a lot more than he's letting on. Just from your chance meeting, he's shown a great deal of insight and competency. It's clear he's seen all this before.
AUTO-RECRUITED FOR FREE

 

[HellaCooltricks]

TURN 4 - RESULTS

[X] F.E.S.T.I.V.I.T.Y. (Father Expands and Secures Territory Indicating Vast Intellect and Thinning Yard)

-[X] Cut the Lawn (4)
--[X] Toiletnator
-[X] Support I.M. Weasel (73)
--[X] Hank
-[X] Implement Candy Stock Exchange (46)
--[X] Stickybeard
-[X] Attend OSI Christmas Party (90)
--[X] Izzy
-[X] Look for New Energy Sources(79)
-[X] Establish Magical Protection (85)
--[X] Hex
-[X] Go On Talk Show (88)
-[X] Visit Providence (26)
-[X] Recruit Professor XXXL [COMPLETED]
-[X] Recruit Skips [COMPLETED]
-[X] Go to Texas for Christmas (52)
-[X] Defend Toilets! (83)
-[X] Go Big Game Hunting (79)
-[X] Inspect Father's Magic (81)


NATIONAL ACTIONS

-[X] Cut the Lawn (4)
DC 80 (CF 4% CS 6%)
1d100 = 4 + 37 + 14 + 5 + 3 = 63
Failure

It was a mistake to assign Tolienator to this. The moment you saw him turn around and start mowing your lawn, you understood this fact entirely. Even when you exploded at him and tossed him out of your estate, hoping that he'd manage to do SOMETHING productive, you should have known your hope was misplaced. Tolienator does what Tolienator does best, which is to say, actively fails in every POSSIBLE regard. The blithering idiot spends an entire week swinging around, capturing random children and giving them swirlies- or far more often, getting swirled himself. It isn't even halfway through till he finally gets around to telling the Ice Cream men to help (which they mostly ignored at first, since Tolienator is Tolienator), and not even for a moment did he think about asking for help from the government or providence! All the while, reports keep piling in that the threats lurking around your neighborhood and territory are growing! Rumors of KND operatives, monsters, gem infiltrators, heck fire, even something called EXTREME-o-SAURS got thrown around! Not to mention the possibility of other infiltrators!

Cut The Lawn DC Goes Up for Next Turn!

RAGE Meter rises.

New actions unlocked.

-[X] Support I.M. Weasel (73)
DC 60 (CF 2% CS 8%)
1d100 = 73 + 21 - 5 + 23 + 4 = 116
Success!

Meeting with Mr. Weasel was an exceptional experience and one that Hank really excelled at. Well, after he got used to the fact that Mr. Weasel was indeed, a weasel. While that may have been one heck of a hurdle, Hank almost instantly comes around to Weasel's platform and response. While once a stern Republican, Hank is coming around to the idea of joining the so aptly called YES Party thanks to Weasel's well-thought-out plans for the economy, deep understanding of the people's needs, and savvy political maneuvering. As Mr. Weasel begins the final part of his campaign against John F. Kennedy (the clone, not the dead one), he makes sure that when he's in power, he won't forget about all the service Father has done for the United States, and the reliability of Adult Co. Hank was even asked to be a personal advisor, although Hank declined, on part of needing to manage Adult Co.

Reward: Increased Relationship with I.M. Weasel, if he wins, greater reputation with U.S. Government

-[X] Implement Candy Stock Exchange (46)
--[X] Stickybeard
DC 75 (CF 2% CS 8%)
1d100 = 46 + 19 + 20 + 5 + 5 + 5 = 100
Success!

With Stickybeard at the head of the Candy Stock Exchange, things are quickly set up running as smooth as molten chocolate. Before long, people are liquidating licorice, short-selling sherberts, and cutting costs on candy corn. This gives Adult Co. a hand on the pulse of the Candy Market in general, and with it under his control, you will gain a considerable level of power over any brokers or partakers in the sugar-coated stocks.

Reward: Information about Candy Related Groups.

New Stuff:
-Candy Stock Exchange: +5 Intrigue against any groups involved with the Candy Exchange.

-[X] Attend OSI Christmas Party (90)
DC 70 (CF 1% CS 9%)
1d100 = 90 + 27 + 29 + 2 = 148
Critical Success!

Walking into the OSI Christmas Party, you feel incredibly out of place. The surprisingly-empty, well-furnished room was filled with a scattering of secret agents, superheroes, and other shady do-gooders. But to your surprise, none of them seem so angry to see you nor Izzy. In fact, it was none other than Major Glory himself who first greets you, ever intrigued about your exploits in Canada. Before you know it, you are already pulled into all sorts of conversations over eggnog and Christmas punch. It was halfway through the white elephant gift exchange, when you received a novelty singing cactus from Goldheart as the Living Bullet drunkenly thanked you for punting the Gems back from southern Canada, that you get pulled off to a side room with Izzy and Major Glory by angry little man in shades and a baseball cap and a tall… general shaped general.

"Now listen here, you vacant silhouette of a parental figure. Let me be the first to welcome you to the OSI."

To be continued in: "All Quiet on Christmas Eve".

-[X] Look for New Energy Sources (79)
DC 65 (CF 5% CS 5%)
1d100 = 79 + 19 = 98
Success!

While you would like to have some sort of magical doohickey portal to hell to siphon power off of like Mandy, you are not so lucky. Or cursed? Either way, it's off the table. However, as you begin to innovate (Read: Poking the technology you stole from the gems), you begin to get a rudimentary understanding of how they generate their seemingly impossible energy. In a sense, it is solar powered. Or, rather, the machinery compresses light into a solid, energized fuel source that can be manipulated as they see fit via the refracting, bending, and materialization of photons. Now, as to how to do this, you're still a little vague. Most of the Gems just seem to have no idea how they summon magical weapons from thin air.

Reward: Unlocked Path of "Gem Energy Reactors"; new actions for energy generation and gem tech integration.

-[X] Establish Magical Protection (85)
-DC 75 (CF 3% CS 7%)
1d100 = 85 + 15 + 28 = 128
Success!

Utilizing secret reagents and arcane rites of protection, Hex is able to form a powerful, magical barrier capable of blocking mystic attacks or otherworldly intrusions. He remarks how, coincidentally, your mansion just so happens to be located upon a powerful conjuration of ley lines and other magical mumbo jumbo. In any case, it is far stronger than he expected, and will be able to resist those attacks directed towards your domicile. No petty hedge-wizards or would-be seers will be able to penetrate it, and it would take a considerable show of force to breach.

Reward:

Stuff:
The Barrier of Char'Gar'Gothakon: Add Occult to opposed Intrigue rolls when defending from mystic outside intrusions upon your manor.


PERSONAL ACTIONS

FATHER

-[X] Go On Talk Show
(88)

It was, well, pretty weird to not only fly up to the moon but then to also step onto the moonbase and not get shot or attacked or swarmed by packs of rabid children. But here you are! Getting pulled back stage, you check your hair, your pipe and your shadowy aura, and prepare to head out! Show time!

To be continued in "Past Your Bedtime, Up Late With Father"!

-[X] Visit Providence
(26)
In Between visits to the OSI christmas party, the moon and more, visiting Providence was pushed to the back of the list. When you do eventually get around to it, you are greeted with a barebones staff and a very stringent secretary, who arranges a later date for you to come by and meet with her boss.

Reward: Meeting with Black Knight

-[X] Recruit Professor XXXL [COMPLETED]

Professor XXXL was thrilled to be invited to be your "Chief of Frozen-deserts Research", and was welcomed warmly into the cold embrace of your ice-cream factory's invitations department. Sure, you'd hope to use his brilliantly mad mind to make you dunno, some sort of laser or doomsday walker, but would it be that bad if he really did invent the perfect Snow Cone?

Professor XXXL

Martial: 13
Diplomacy: 7
Stewardship: 12
Intrigue: 16
Learning: 31
Occult: 0

Ominously Benign: +20 to intrigue on actions which are actively beneficial for the target or unambiguously good; however all attempts to convince the target you are acting in their best interest if discovered are automatically failures.

(Not So Mad) Scientist: +10 to Learning when studying Ice Cream, Snow Cones, or Ice Cream Cake.

-[X] Recruit Skips [COMPLETED]

When you go to formally recruit Skips into your business, you have to admit, you didn't expect him to carry so light. All he had was a knapsack bundle on a stick. When you ask if he has anything else to take with him, he just shakes his head no.

"All that I care about is in that sack."

With a quiet nod, you and him walk over to the limo- or in his case, Skips. Looking at the expression of his face, he's seen all this before.

Skips

Martial: 25
Diplomacy: 15
Stewardship: 12
Intrigue: 16
Learning: 19
Occult: 30

I've Seen This All Before: +5 to Occult or Learning rolls when utilizing experience from a previous action.

I Know a Guy: +5 to Diplomacy when able to recall the knowledge or powers of a friend or ally.

HANK HILL

-[X] Go to Texas for Christmas
(52)
Hank Hill returns to Texas, his home state (in most accounts). While not an exception or crazy Christmas by any standards, spending time home with his family does improve his mood and make him less stressed.

Reward: +3 Loyalty

TOILETNATOR

-[X] Defend Toilets!
(83)

While Tolienator is absolutely terrible at dealing with the escalating rise of monsters and other ne'er-do-wells in your territory, evidently he is quite good at defending toilets from… whatever it is that threatens toilets. His diligent efforts to keep the seat down do see him get a few fans, and it never hurts that he makes sure that no roll is left untoliet-papered.

Reward: Tolienator's reputation with the local townsfolk goes up!

IZZY

-[X] Go Big Game Hunting
(79)

Where Tolienator falters, Izzy sees opportunity. Taking a cadre of Ice Cream men with her, she goes on a late night hunt through the suburbs and forests, seeking thrilling prey to catch. She finds her prey in a monstrous creature hidden in a junkyard, made of bombs and chains. While no Mother Tie, Izzy is more than happy to haul the still-snapping head of it back to the manor. Chaining it up back in the hedge maze sure does make for a fun surprise when Tolienator heads back to his porta-lean-too. However, as your Ice Cream men install it, Izzy notes that it seemed like she wasn't the only one hunting it. Just some strange feeling she can't shake.

Stuff:
Head of the Extreme-O-Saur: +5 to Martial rolls when defending your Manor.

HEX

-[X] Inspect Father's Magic
(81)

Taking some time to try and understand exactly what was giving you your powers, Hex pours over his books, scrolls, pamphlets and tomes, and then compares them with your dark aura. After days of minor experiments and studies, he doesn't have a clear answer, but he understands that the power that you and your family has is inexplicably linked to your bloodline and the power of your emotions. It will take further study to fully understand.

Reward: Further actions to understand Father's Power

 

[HellaCooltricks]

"Now listen here, you vacant silhouette of a parental figure. Let me be the first to welcome you to the OSI."

If you distilled the essence of a chain smoker, a drill sergeant, and, for no particular reason, a gonzo journalist, you'd get the man across from you. He is angry. He is scrawny. And he means business.

"I'VE been MEANING to TALK to-"

"Shut it, Father. Or should I say, Patriarch."

"Oh wow, he read the comic too!" Izzy chimes in, before being snapped at just as vigorously.

"That goes for you as well, Kaleidoscope AKA E-Scope AKA Explosivo AKA Izzy. What I'm about to talk about is the most serious of serious business in this whole shit-filled powder keg we call a goddamn democracy."

Broiling a little, you crunch down on the wood of your pipe, crossing your arms and leaning back. Something about this guy really just pushes your buttons. But at the same time, the authority he speaks with impresses you enough to allow him to continue.

"GO on. What do YOU mean?"

"Well, to be as bleedingly, brutally blunt, you red-outlined cardboard standee for evil villainy, we're boned. Boned six ways to Sunday, back and forth."

"....Explain."

"Dear god, how else can I put it, you utterly deranged flaming kettle of a man? The world at large has never been on such a precipice of total, outrageous chaos and worldwide devastation. We were caught with our pants down, johnson in our hands, and a kick-me sign to boot."

"Ahem, what Chief Gathers is trying to explain, in his own particular vernacular way, is that we are in one heap of doo-doo. Oh, and forgive me, I am General Treister. You are familiar with my fellow General Hammer and General Specific from your time in the field, and might I add, good on ya son."

"Oh, THAT? Well, uh, It was MOSTLY nothing."

"Don't sell yourself short, son. We saw how you roasted those multi-chromatic-space-Amazonians-"
"They're Gems, Treister," Hunter interjects.
"I know what I'm saying, Hunter." Triester says, giving a reaffirming pat on your shoulder. "But all the same, we saw you kick those aliens up and down the great northern hat of America. You did good, son."

"Well… thanks? Was THAT all YOU brought me to the side FOR?"

"I mean, we were totally awesome and cool, and we did get a comic and everything. Does that make us superheroes now?"

A chill runs down your spine, one that you are getting far too familiar with. There's that word again. Sooper-Hero. Just saying it in your head makes you feel sick with yourself. You aren't a Sooperhero! You're a villain! A villain through and through! A villain from a long… proud… lineage of villains…

"Dear sweet alphabet soup god in special ops heaven, no." Hunter snapped once more, in a tone more grizzled than a buzzard.

You actively let out a sigh of relief at him addressing that. Thank evil, you are still considered, you know, evil. You weren't sure what you were gonna do next time the VCA awards came around. Finding a new host would have been a nightmare! Not to mention the loss of reputation and the ability to do-

"Wait. IF I'm NOT a hero in your book, WHAT am I?"

"Well, if ain't that what we're here to address. To stop prancing around the campfire, we want to get an understanding, and, if you're willing, offer you a deal." Treister says, leaning forward and crossing his fingers.

"Here's the debrief, you red-hot heap of daddy issues and angst: Supervillain. Superhero. Champion. Scoundrel."

Hunter takes a deep drag off his cigarette.

"Who cares?"

"WHO CARES?" You shout, flinging yourself up from your chair. "I have spent the LAST…."

You stop to count it out on your fingers, but after thinking about how much time has passed, you consider it a lost cause.

"Uh, twenty?" Izzy offers.

That sounds like a good number.

"Thank you, Izzy. THE LAST TWENTY YEARS OF MY LIFE BEING A SOOPER-VILLAIN!"

"And you've got exactly jack and shit to show for it. Now cool down before we have to get a hot-head out of here, CIA style." Hunter says, grinding out his smoke in an ash-tray.

"I'LL TELL YOU WHO-"

"What string-bean here means to say, Mr. Father, is that we don't care what you've done. Or for the most part, what'chll do next. Not to demerit your accolades of, uh, Gathers?"

"Madman good-boy points."

"For the love of-"

"Fine, his 'evil' accolades."

"Yes, your evil accolades, Mr. Father. I know you're a big, scary villain type, who don't want nothing to do with us governmental types, but we're willing to make a vegetable medley if it means we've got somebody in our corner."

The flames you summoned petered out for a moment. Confusion begins to grow as you try to comprehend their position.

"Wait… What do YOU mean?"

"I think…" Izzy begins, putting a hand to her chin in thought. "They're offering you amnesty from crimes and cover-ups on your work so long as you work with them."

"YOU are?"

"Ding-ding-ding. Congratulations, you wanna-be Hannibal Lector with a personality disorder, you saw the obvious." Hunter jabs a finger at you and Izzy. "We watched what you did up North. Single-handedly turning a loss to a stalemate to sending those sci-fi rejects packing to the great, wide, fuck-all-empty North. And we want in."

"It was you, wasn't it? You're the one who created that comic and made those series, aren't you?" Izzy asks, squinting in a suspicious glare. "Let me guess: You wanted control of the narrative, and we wanted to get on our good side."

"Indeed we did, little missy. Pardon the extrapolation, by the way. We didn't have much to go off of. Only got your papers after we got the first run of the comic out, so high-diddly-dee, you're his adopted teenage daughter you rescued from an orphanage-circus."

You and Izzy give each other an exasperated look.

"I'm like 27."

"And I'm… An INDETERMINATE age in my forties."

"Ahuh, sure thing boss."

Hunter looks over to Treister, raising an eyebrow.

"Whaat? It worked for Batman! Hell, it even worked for Delta Boy, got that one right too! Besides, jus' cause you're old doesn't make you not an orphan!"

"I'm not an orphan." Izzy corrects. "I still have my parents. In fact, last time I checked, McLean was the last one to own my birth certificate. Oh, right, probably should have told you about the cloning project he was working on-"

Izzy is then cut off by Hunter.

"Dammit Treister, you know what a shit show that was when the truth came out about him! And Batman isn't even real! He's a lie made up by us to cover up the bat-people! Do your goddamn field work!"

"I did this time, I did. Well, at least I know most of what was in that comic was balderdash lies. As if a propane salesman could operate some sorta, flyin' mechanical spaceship made from alien technology."

Hunter simply pinches the bridge of his nose.

"We'll fix that later. But we're getting off track. What I'm trying to explain here is this: I don't respect that you are a deluded madman with an obsession with tormenting a terrorist cell of children. In fact, I actively despise you for it." Hunter's hand outstretched and clenched with visible rage as he described his hate for you, fingers curling inwards. Maybe you found somebody almost as angry as you. "But we're at an impasse."

"As hard-bit a general as I am, I find it hard to say." Treister pauses. "So I won't, 'cus I don't have to. Hunter?"

"It's simple. We're going to offer you a one-time deal that any son-of-a-bitch with a death ray would think himself the holy-fucking-grail of luck to have." Hunter slides forward a small card across the table to you. "We're going to turn a blind eye away from your criminal escapades, your villainous shenanigans, your tyrannical temper tantrums…so long as you work with the OSI and the U.S. Government when we need you to."

Picking up and flipping the card around, you see exactly what it says.

"Benedict Uno: License to Kill?"

"And don't bother worryin' about the paperwork, we already got onna our interns to get it all filed away. You sign up with us boy, and you can go about, havin' your little schemes, and makin' your robots, do all your shadowy corporation style sorta stuff. We'll cover yer back, give you a pretty little dress up for the public, and in turn, you help us sort out the rest of these loonies."

You look the card over, pondering. You can't help but notice Izzy looking rather jealous at your newfound ability to legally murder people. Not that you really wanted that power. It wasn't your sorta method, after all. Closest you came was baking children in a cake- and truth be told, you didn't even realize that would kill them till after the fact

"AND in turn? What DO I have to do PRECISELY? AND what about THE so-called Guild?"

Treister crosses his arms.

"Oh, that disgruntled league of half-wits and sissy-sallies? Sure, they got some mighty fine gunmen and assassins, not to mention the cost-co membership, but with that butterfly-lookin' fella leading them, they ain' got no future."

"Indeed. According to our information, the Guild has been on a rapid decline since the Monarch has taken power. As for what you would do for us, it's simple. You stay a villain, we enable you like a horrible stepmother enables a fat bastard of a child, and when we need your help and cooperation, you do precisely that. Help us defeat an alien army? Bingo. Kick the living daylights out of a super-villain upstart? Blammo.Traffic drugs?"

"Like ROOT-beer?"

Hunter once again pinches his brow.

"Good lord you blithering man-child with the pyrokinetic powers of a demi-god, you will be a pain."

"Lemme handle this for a second boss," Izzy says, once more jumping back into the conversation. "So what? You want Father to come down and beat the crap outta people whenever you get something you can't deal with on your own? Like that giant pufferfish, he fried?"
"Yep."
"Ahuh-ahuh."
"I see," Izzy says. "And in turn, you'll look the other way to our crimes and keep our public figure pristine?"

"We do have our limits, and surprisingly, morals, but yes."

"And those morals are?"

"Number one. Keep the body count to a minimum. Nobody minds a bank robbery, but a massacre is a no-go for the public. Number Two. You cannot officially join the Guild, or any other villainous organization without first alerting us. The last thing we need is a triple agent. We already have a one-eye weirdo on the case for that, and before you ask, setting up your own is fair game. Number three. No striking Government assets."

"No Number FOUR or NUMBER five?"

"No."

"Huh."

You pause and think, stroking your chin.

"LETS see.. BESIDES the Pro-PO-ganda, and freebie on the crimes, anything ELSE?"

"We literally just gave you a license to kill! What else do you want, dammit?!" Hunter shouts, before Triester calms him down again.

"Let's hear 'em out." Triester says.

"What if I wanna, I dunno, STEAL a DEATH ray?"

"Why not just buy one?"

"For FUN."

"See- Gah, fine. We would look the other way."

"I SEE. And all I'd have to do is help you deal with big monsters and 'OPERATIONS' or whatever?"

"You'd be correct."

"But I'm a SOOPER-villain. I can' GO around saving the WORLD!"

"Why not?" Hunter snaps, practically grinding the burning stub of tobacco between his straight laced teeth.

"BECAUSE I have a REP-u-TATION! I can't Just go around DOING good STUFF! I'm a bad guy! I'm a TERROR to children across the GLOBE! I'm the villain!"

Treister simply sighs, shaking his head.

"Let me tell you something, Mr. Uno. We have agents with the body counts that would make the dying corpse of a North Korean Warlord wet themselves. We've worked with scum a thousand times worse than you, protected dirtbags and played patty cake with, surprisingly, people more pathetic than you. I don't care if you're a bad guy. If you're a villain. If you get your kicks burning down orphanages- Only the CIA knows how many houses Pilot Light or Captain Sunshine burned down, and good lord, don't even get me started on all the damage little Rusty Venture did."

Hunter takes out his cigarette and snuffs it into an ashtray that has more cigarette stubs than ceramic.

"What we know is this. You are willing to help us, even when no-one asks for your god damned help. We are in a situation that is UNPRECEDENTED in the god-damn history of this organization. We have more cryptids, aliens, monsters, wizards, EVOs, and robo-callers than we beat with a stick. We put two and two together, and we've come up with this. We give you info, hell, maybe even some agents, some weapons, an unlimited license for crime. We'll even tidy up after you, sweep it under the rug, paint a pretty picture for the public, so long as you don't pull at the threads." Hunter taps the card in your hand. "We want an alliance, a partnership, a working relationship, a sub-dom relationship, whatever gets it through your inflamed head. We point you at what to kill, you do it. If something wants to kill you, we tell you. I can't promise the god-damn moon, and nobody knows if this will go any further than this conversation. But I can tell you this; whether or not you work with us, things are going to get way, way, worse before it gets better. IF you work with us, both you and the OSI might be able to get through this shit storm."

You let it all sink in. You turn to Izzy.

"Well?"

"I dunno boss. Free crime might be a good trade for a little community service. Not to mention what else they might be able to provide us. Technology, weapons, help, funds. Might be nice to have a secret agency helping us out, especially one that's so morally flexible. But really, it's up to you."

In the end, it really was up to you.

- - - - -

The OSI wants to form an alliance with you! They wish to utilize your incredible combat abilities to help fight threats they can't beat with traditional methods.

In exchange for doing the OSI's dirty work for them now and again, the OSI will provide Father information, technology, special agents, and a mutual defense alliance. The OSI will assist in the management of your public image, painting you as either a "sooper hero" (yuck) or scrubbing your good acts from the record altogether. You will become immune to most forms of persecution by law enforcement and being targeted by other agencies within the US government.

To keep up his end of the bargain, Father must help the OSI whenever they come a-knocking. The OSI will call upon Father's help no more than once per 5 turns, unless they are directly attacked or otherwise find themselves in a "we need your help now or we die" emergency situation. This will often take the form of a unique National Action with an [OSI] tag. As long as this action is accomplished by Father or his minions in a timely manner, the OSI is unlikely to be picky with how it gets done.

The OSI requires you to keep your illegal businesses free of innocent bloodshed. As Father operates now, he doesn't actually kill anyone. While the OSI also forbids you from joining any villainous organization without their approval, no one's stopping you from creating your own. Your current relationship with Mammoth is still allowed.

If a particular OSI action is too odious to go through with, Father can always refuse to perform an OSI action. However, if Father vetoes too many OSI actions, the alliance (and Father's special benefits) will become at risk of being dissolved.

You may either agree or disagree to the offer.

[ ] AGREE

[ ] DISAGREE

⏰ THIS VOTE HAS A 14-HOUR MORATORIUM.

In addition, we will factor in extra "demands" from you all that may be presented as write-ins. There is no guarantee you will get this, but depending on what they are, or what you are willing to give, they might agree to the terms you set.

 

[HellaCooltricks]

You think, for a moment longer.

"HMMMMM…."

Was it really worth it? How badly would this mess with your "street-cred?" Did you really want somebody telling you what to do?

Silence dominated the room, with only the weak crackling of the fire daring to rebel.

Until finally, having smoldered long enough, you come to a decision.

"WELL, MR. Hunter. After CONSIDERABLE thought, I have DECIDED to take you up on your OFFER."

There is an audible release as everyone else in the room finally let go of that breath they didn't know they were holding. Hunter let out a long puff of smoke, before nodding.

"Very good. We'll have a few documents sent over for you to sign, and we'll have you and your associates licenses in the mail. But there is one thing to inform you of."

"WHICH is?"

"The threat up north."

"The GEMS?"

"No. Further north."

For a moment, you didn't really catch the scraggly man's meaning, his unreadable gaze hidden behind the black plastic reflection of yourself shown across his shades. But then it clicked.

"You don't MEAN-"

"I do. We have on good authority that whatever has gone on up in the true north, and it isn't pretty."

"So what? SOME coal under the tree?"

"Wait, Santa Claus is real?" Izzy interrupts.

"Of course he's real, it's been one of our best kept secrets! But no more. And he's got much worse than a bundle of coal for naughty children this year."

"Try military grade-whoop ass, all sorts of voodoo whatsits and hoo-doo evil." Triester said, squiggling his fingers in a spooky and dismissive method.

"Indeed. We are sharing this information with a few on a need to know basis. But prepare yourself-"
"Santa Claus is coming to town. And he's not the only one."



View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0FJU4GrXztE

—-------------------------------------------------------

Black Hat Organization

[ ] Survive Christmas
It would seem that Krampus visited Black Hat this year for a delightful spot of tea. They discuss the topics of the rising price of souls and the current crop of would-be super villains while negotiating over a prized vintage of orphaned child spirits.

[ ] Begin to Market Overseas
In addition to being the time for peace and love, Christmas is also the time for sales, deals, and most of all capitalism. Unfortunately for Black Hat, however, his recent attempt to break into the North American market sees the latter half of Christmas overcome by the first. Though some deals are made by those desperate to fend off the invariable attacks of Santa Claus, the high prices of his wares and undercutting by Scam Co. knockoffs see him once again rebuked. Dr. Flug, Black Hat's chief of… Well, everything at the moment, will almost certainly not be having a very jolly holiday because of this.


Endsville Energy Solutions

[ ] Survive Christmas
Mandy seems eerily prepared for this sort of thing. You can only hazard a guess that somehow, someway, she had dealt with this sort of thing. Or perhaps she simply saw it coming. In either case, when a blood-mad ape-Santa-thing came to Endsville atop a sleigh of half-gnawed bone, Mandy and Endsville were armed to the teeth. Sure, she brought a few more cloves of garlic and stakes of holly than were necessary, but her security force relentlessly pursued the creature until it was eventually chased off into the wilderness. With minimal damages to infrastructure, and only minor casualties reported, Mandy enjoyed a mostly quiet Christmas afterward.

[ ] Integrate Demonic Entities into Workplace
With the markets booming, first with the surge in demand for power from Christmas lights and heating, and then later home defense, Endsville Energy Solution's need for manpower saw a large-scale integration of the daemonic population into its workforce. Mandy, usually morose and often bluntly to the point in her declarations, did give a "holiday speech" addressing this.

"...As Endsville Energy Solutions push forwards towards the future, and downwards in a literal sense, I would like to remind you all during this holiday season that you are all equal under my vision of this company and under me."

Posters of Bill from accounting chatting with Rgha'fla'chtrr the Unspeakable around the water cooler, Susie from HR eating lunch with Avaraeth First Lady of Torment, and Fred the field mechanic instructing Fred the Tusk Demon about proper safety measures around high-voltage electricity.

During the announcement, Mandy also announced two new officer positions opening at the company, with Chief of Communications and Chief of Human-Demon-Resources. She also acknowledged that a strong candidate for each had already passed preliminary reviews, and was near the end of the negotiation process.

Gem Homeworld Colony

[ ] Survive Christmas
Despite their close proximity to the North Pole, most of the Santas seem to ignore the shining crystalline outposts, glimmering strongholds, and ominous kindergartens of the Gem Empire studded into the frozen reaches of Canada. The few that do stop by are mostly those of the absent-minded and jovial types, of which more than a few confuse the smaller gems with children. While Peridot and Jasper alongside the other ruling "caste" are given veins worth of coal, numerous smaller gems such as Rubies are given all sorts of presents. Even if they don't quite understand the value of toys, the majority seem pleased to have someone looking out for them.

"What did you get from the human Criss-mass 'gifting' event, Jasper?"
"The rotund human delivered us a hundred units of polishing utensils. I should have blasted that bio-form from the sky. Or at least asked for more human munitions."

"Lucky. All I got was a primitive human-computer and a bag of 'flamin hot' preservative-added chips made of baked cornmeal."

"Ah….. What's Corn?"

[ ] Weaponize Coal
When your Diamonds give you sub-adequate materials to conduct a war and colonization effort against hostile life forms, you take advantage of the materials delivered to you by an unknown force to create tools that will allow you to succeed. An odd saying to be sure, and Peridot can't exactly place what part of the 2nd Era it originated from, but it was incredibly adept at describing the current situation.

With a large deposit of materials, Peridot began to tweak and play with their chemical and molecular construction. Perhaps something could be salvaged out of this odd delivery after all.

[ ] Prepare Defenses
Reports indicate that the gems have taken the absence of Father to try and further entrench themselves into their held territory. Reports of Gem activity around large crevices in the ground also indicate some sort of deep-core mining operation, but the exact results of this have proven inconclusive. All they seemed to have mined out, besides very deep incursions into the mantle, are a honeycomb of holes that pocket the sides of the ravine.

[ ] Retake Warp Pads
Despite their current defensive posture, the Gem forces did attempt a series of minor attacks on more scattered fronts. Gems were identified as having targeted areas near large, flat and highly geometric crystalline circular slabs, and were noted to have fought with great tenacity in their recapture. However, this mostly resulted in failure, or in some cases, purposeful damaging of the structures themselves.

The Guild of Calamitous Intent

[ ] Survive Christmas
It occurred explicitly out of nowhere. With a jingle of the sled, a twinkle of its eyes and a ho-ho-ho, justice had come to the Guild, wearing a big red suit. But in this case, the "S" on his chest didn't stand for Hope: It stood for S. As in for Super. Super as in for Super-Santa. While details are sketchy, due to the work of the Guild, what's known is this. In an isolated area in an undisclosed desert, Super Santa smashed his way through the earth and into a Guild organized Christmas party. The costumed villains put up a fight, but were thoroughly wrecked in the process, with the Sovereign and his council severely beaten up. However, before any could be taken into custody, Christmas eve ended, and Super Santa was forced to return to the North Pole.


Katz Ventures

[ ] Survive Christmas
In a similar circumstance to the Super Santa incident, a single Santa Claus was recorded flying into Nowhere. Other Santas only made brief, short stops on cities nearing its perimeter.

No Santa that was seen flying within its deep interior or near Katz Venture HQ was reported as seen flying out of it.

[ ] Create new type of Gingerbread
In accordance with the holiday season, Katz has recently started selling a new type of Gingerbread made with "real Christmas magic." Limited time only, made in small batches.


Mandark Co.

[ ] Survive Christmas
Just as with Mandy, Mandark too seemed quite invested in his time in preventing the inevitable attack of Santa Claus. While your information network can't seem to get a read on exactly what it was that attacked him, you do know that he successfully beat it back to the North Pole thanks to that giant robot he made. Although, it seems like it took quite a bit of time to do so, as there were no further reports of activity.


Scam Co.

[ ] Survive Christmas
It would seem that Eddy was deemed naughty by more than one Santa, and he didn't really have the firepower to fend them off. Coal was piled high in Eddy's office and underneath his Christmas tree, which was still a better gift than the bolo tie his parents bought for him.

As supply far outstrips the demand, Eddy can't sell the coal for more than a few jawbreakers per ton.

[ ] Sell Scam Co Play Products
When it comes to Christmas, Eddy loves the holiday. Mostly because it is the profitable time of the year. Gifts fly off the shelves, people practically tripping over themselves to rush to the stores for the best deals on the best products. But there has to be something for those who leave empty handed. After all, who wants to have nothing under the tree? That's where Scam Co. steps in, offering a veritable horde of affordable presents for all those poor, poor, poor people who couldn't cough up the dough for the real stuff, or those suckers who couldn't make it to the stores in time.

Now, to be fair, these Gamebox 4000's and Yapple Ed-Phones are probably not going to last the year, perhaps not even Christmas day. But to Eddy, that's an acceptable trade off.


U.S. Government

[ ] Survive Christmas
The U.S. Government, of course, had some sort of contingency. Well, to be fair, contingencies. They made one for every Santa they had a file on. While there was a bit of confusion as to how they had come up with so many different plans, things went exceedingly well in all of their execution. Tracking the Santas as they came down south, the government had already diverted the more reasonable ones from the path of its military facilities and secret laboratories. For those that did not, they were met with an utterly ridiculous amount of surface to air missiles.


Puma-Dyne Weapon Systems

[ ] Survive Christmas
Evidently, there is a cat-themed Santa Claus. There is also a Santa Claus who is a freakish amalgamate of Santa Claus and a centipede that rampages through towns that do not provide ample amounts of gingerbread houses. Thankfully, Santa Claus, the one with claws, chose to soothe the hunger pangs of his multi-segmented friend before departing, leaving only minor damage to the city at large. There was a last minute attempt by unknown parties to try and assassinate Santa Claus, but the cat was already out of the (gift) bag.

You note that whoever is writing these reports should probably stop using bad puns.


Providence

[ ] Contain EVO Presence
EVOs don't take a holiday, and neither does Providence. Thankfully, there seems to have been a quiet period for the end of the year, as the number of "activations" reported to your news station has been relatively few. In fact, it was almost a silent night. Except for one incident.

[ ] Survive Christmas
Disastrously, one EVO really was working on Christmas. Horrifically bloated like a bowl full of rotten jelly, and with twinkles in its eyes that marked the ignition for its laser vision, you nearly tossed your cookies when you saw it in the news. The rampaging monster of holiday nightmares rampaged mindlessly across the woodlands of the North East coastline, before eventually being captured and subdued by Providence. However, before it was fully contained, the Santa EVO destroyed practically billions worth of property. The sluggish response time proved to be hazardous for the public's perception of Providence.


Paradigm Corporation

[ ] Survive Christmas
As a man with no memory of Christmas, the holiday season is foreign to Alex. Nevertheless, he had followed all the preparations. Tree? Check. Cookies? Check. Christmas tree? Check. Paradigm City had never looked so festive before, as those that visited brought their infectious cheer with them. It was truly unfortunate, however, that the Santa Claus that would visit Alex was by no means cheery. Reports of vampire attacks flooded the city for weeks afterward, and monstrous toys chased children for weeks, before being trapped and dumped into the flame. It was only thanks to the mysterious intervention of a giant flying robot that the ghoulish Santa Claus was fended off. However, the after effects of such a disastrous Christmas, and the sudden introduction of a vampiric population into Paradigm City would have lingering effects which were still unclear (and undead.)


McLean Productions

[ ] Survive Christmas
Composite Santa-Claus was seen flying directly into Total Drama City State's ongoing construction site, causing mass-damage and testicular torsion amongst all those who dared get in the way of his half-festive half-frozen rampage. McLean tries to make the best of it by running an impromptu "Kill Santa Claus" Challenge amongst his contestants, but it takes more than a few beaten bruised interns before Composite Santa-Claus is finally forced away.

[ ] "A Very McLean Christmas Carol"
Attempting to put on a production of a Christmas Carol while being attacked by a composite of Santa Claus and Frosty the Snowman, haunted by demons summoned by an evil drummer, and being kicked repeatedly in the groin by a nutcracker is a daunting task. Chris just somehow, barely, barely, managed to do it. You had to admit, even though McLean was doubled down in pain and half the set had been burned to cinders, you really connected with the struggle of Tiny Tim as portrayed by a Chef Hatchet walking around on his knees.


VenTech Ind.

[ ] Research Advanced Medical Diagnostics
Medical research by Ventech Ind. has been growing in leaps and bounds under the watchful eye of the company's founder and owner, Jonas Junior Venture. While short of stature, his vision of the future is massive, as is his brain. The new medical hardware created will be able to give deep and thorough analysis of the human body via a swarm of nanomachines. Though some have raised concerns about the dangers of Nanite technology, JJ's reassurance that the machinery is purely diagnostic in nature and has no ability to manipulate the biological functions of a creature is able to leap the hurdle of public perception.

[ ] Survive Christmas
Christmas catches Ventech by surprise, despite the warnings provided by others. It just didn't make sense to JJ that perhaps something would be coming from the North Pole. JJ was wrong, of course. While New York is a big city, and it has a few heroes left to defend it, that doesn't stop a swarm of Santa's from flying into its airspace. More than a few are good, and truth be told, JJ does end the night with more than a few presents under his tree. Unfortunately, like a menace from another time (or reality), a robotic Santa Claus with a vendetta for the Big Apple made himself more than a little of a nuisance. Engaging in an aerial duel above the city as he attempts to deal with his terminally long list of naughty people, the robotic Santa unleashes mechanized terrors and total warfare, until JJ finally chooses to confront him in a mechanized robot suit of his own. After a brutal hour of combat, and more then a few interventions and last minute Christmas Miracles, JJ emerges triumphant, claiming victory with a charming "Go Team Venture!"


Moltar Coast to Coast

[ ] Survive Christmas
As the undisputed ruler of the moon, Moltar has made any escape of orbit or attack on the moon an incredibly challenging and daunting affair. Yet still, more than a few try for it: These Santa Claus's only reward, however, is a hail of laser fire and a long, long, long tumble back to terra firma.Those extra-terrestrial Santa Claus did not fare much better: Moltar sees them sent back to their home planets with their gooses cooked.

[ ] Host a Christmas Party… For Space Jesus
While the dumbest Santa Claus in the galaxy threw themselves into the metaphorical Space Grinder, Moltar decides to host a celebration for the true meaning of Christmas.

Jesus.

Space Jesus.

While not a religious man himself, Moltar acknowledges the large majority of Space Shristians (and Earth Christians, presumably), and intends to get a slice of that market. Thus was born Moltar's Space Jesus Christmas Party, featuring a live reenactment of the birth of Space Jesus, alongside a variety of Special Guest Stars which consists of mostly Moltar, Brak, Zorak and Thundercleese. However, some of the special's segments do raise some eyebrows---a renegade Gem named Spinel performs a slapstick comedy routine followed by a dogmatic sermon from Lord Reinrassig III insisting that Space Jesus was a Highbreed.


Santa Claus

[ ] Visit Father (25)
Rudo Claus (1d100 = 52+ 30 + 2 = 84)
VS
Father (1d100 = 65 + 37 + 5 = 107)

It was an odd thing, really, to wait for Santa. You had done it before, back when you were a child. You and Monty would sit there, for hours maybe, waiting for the big fat man. He was one of the few people that Pappy never could have broken, or perhaps defeated. But time and time again, you and Monty would fall asleep, eventually waking up and finding a pile of toys- practically contraband- stuffed into your drying socks.

This, to your understanding, wouldn't be that Santa. Nor could you afford to fall asleep. This one could be anything. Anyone. So instead, you sat, waiting. Your eyes blazing, your hand gripped around a warm mug of eggnog. Not, that you drank it warm, but you know, fire powers, and all. Couldn't help it.

It was just past midnight when he arrived. To be frank, the resemblance was only mild. Practically body slamming his way down the chimney, the so-called Santa was a walking gourd of a man. A big fat belly wobbled atop short, stumpy legs clad in what seemed to be military cargo pants, if such a thing existed. Atop the belly came a pair of pecs, meaty, and powerful, built like a brick house. Hairy, muscled arms sprung out, like a set of a pair of flabby badgers on steroids. The only articles of clothing the imposter (as far as you cared) wore was a set of black, shiny boots that reflected your scowling eyes, some candy-cane suspenders that just barely circumvented his gut back down to golden buckles on his waist, and what could only be described as some horrendous mixture of shoulder pads and cape, made of fine white fur and red silk.

Oh.

And the mask.

That part was weird. It was green, leather-made. The kind wrestlers down south of the border and Jack Black would wear.

Didn't matter much though.

"Mr. Uno, I presume?"

The Santa Claus' voice had a distinct flair of drama to it, and carried a touch of a Hispanic accent. But more so it sounded like a retired general, finally getting the chance to fight once again.

"Correct."

"I hear you are a strong man, Mr. Uno."

"Correct again."

"I can respect that. But I also hear that you are turning a new page?"

Your fist clenches. Your eggnog boils.

"Come again?"

"Indeed. I hear you're going soft! Becoming a Técnico."

"Well. That won't DO."

Rising up from your chair, you hardly move a muscle. You simply glided into a standing position.
"What's your name?"

"Ha ha! You face the terror of Rudo Claus! Prepare yourself, Mr. Uno, for the fight of your life before Christmas!"

"You don't say?"

You decide that you've had enough of being nice for one day. Instead, you simply stretched your palm out and chose to incinerate him. That ought to earn some naughty points.

Flames sprayed from your palms like a literal fire hose. Rudo Claus, though, moved quickly. Leaping up in the air with more agility than was suggested by his bulging frame, he grinned.

"One Horse Carriage Slayer!" He cried out, suddenly enveloped into a corona of light.

What happened next surprised you. Where once there had been a very buff old man, there was now a sleigh. With his face on it. And with sawblades.

The sleigh then flew at you.

"HOLY MOTHER OF-"

Flinging your arms out at the last minute, you just barely stop the collision as the sleigh crashed into you, catching it by its hull. Crashing past your chair, your feet dug grooves into the wooden floor as you struggled to stop the weight.

"HOW did you turn into a SLEIGH?"

"THE POWER OF MUCHA-MAGIC, MUHAHAHA!"

That wasn't a satisfactory answer, but neither was your grapple. Thinking fast, you vanish into a blast of smoke, letting him crash out through your window, and into your front yard and going onwards to utterly demolish the god-awful toilet paper Christmas tree that had "mysteriously" sprung up on your yard. Reappearing in the remains of your shattered glass window, you looked out over into the snow, trying to find the intruder. As you looked, small flashes of red and distant explosions rocked the sky, as hundreds of other Santa's poured across the night. Unfortunately, the view provided just the right distraction. You heard Rudo Claus before you saw him.

"Boxing Day Bargain Bin Blitz!"
This time, a tidal wave of what looked like Scam Co. products came rushing at you across the snow. Gritting your teeth, you close your eyes. You were getting tired of this phony, and close proximity to the cold was already making you feel frosty. This time, you don't give much indication of an attack- The pile of garbage only had moments to dodge the sudden barrage of fire that zipped from your eyes, scorching the discounted trash with a sudden surge of flame. Tumbling from the pile of actual garbage toys, Rudo Claus sputtered and dusted off the ash.

"Ah! No fair! You didn't even say your attack's name?"

"Didn't NEED to."

"That's evil!"

"Good."

Figuring that his gimmick was probably something based on the fact he kept transforming to attack you, him sitting on the ground was clearly the best time to strike. In a matter of seconds, you've already appeared near him, a burning palm smacking down upon him with incredible force.

Slapping the Santa-like into the ground, you are surprised to see him practically bounce, like a knee drop in a wrestling ring rebounding off the mat, up into the sky. Despite the pain, he takes his opportunity.

"FINE! Don't want to play nice? Well, I can play naughty! Rudolph The Red-Nosed Riot!"

In a flash, the man is gone, and in his place, a very angry looking Reindeer with a missile for his nose. It's charging the moment it comes into view.

"Oh YEAH?"

Standing your ground, rage building. Did this idiot know how long it was going to take to rebuild your living room windows!?! If you have anything to say, you'll make sure he never has the chance to find out. Clenching your fists, the reindeer approaches.

You can feel your blood boiling.

10 meters.

You focus on the anger.

5 meters.

Sweet lordy-loo, you hated this guy. Why?

1 meter.

Because he called you nice? Because he ruined your house?

Now or never.

No. It's because he pretended to be Santa Claus. It was the principle of the thing. So you take all your rage, your anger, your hate. And just let it…

Go.

Rudo never saw it coming. The moment he made an impact, you simply exploded. It's kind of hard to wrestle someone actively on fire, you supposed; it must be nearly impossible to wrestle somebody who was actively exploding.

Knocked back by the shockwave of your sudden outburst of power, he was startled, and you decided to give him the best gift you knew: A knuckle sandwich. In a blast of smoke, you are upon him, landing hits with the force of shooting stars upon his bowl full of jelly.

"I concede! I concede!"

He pleaded, he begged, banging on the concrete as you pummeled him. But you weren't quite done yet. With a great heave and a ho, you grab the wrestler by his feet.

"What… What are you doing!?!

"I'M making a SPECIAL delivery!"
With a massive feat of strength, you begin to swing the fat man around, spinning on your heels as you begin to rapidly accelerate, sparks leaping off your feet and burning the ground around you. Around and around and around you spin, before finally, finally, letting. Him. Go.

He flies far and fast. And with an added bit of English, you rear up another fireball and coast it right on after him.

"Oh. And a MERRY Christmas to you."

With a job well done, you dust your hands and turn around… Just to remember that big hole in your wall

"Great… Maybe Santa can bring me a new wall."


KND REMNANTS

[ ] Sabotage Father
Your Ice Cream Men seem to have launched a sudden and unprecedented rebellion! Out of the blue, one by one they started bad mouthing adults, pulling pranks on your employees, and refusing to eat their vegetables! It's like they've suddenly become convinced that they're a bunch of snot nosed kids. You're not sure what prompted this bad behavior but the glazed look in their eyes surely has something to do with it. The only clue you could discover was a funny looking snake in the bushes near their parlor.

["Train Ice Cream Men" action locked behind Occult "Un-Hypnotise Ice Cream Men" action. Until this action is taken, KND Splinter Cell martial rolls against you gain +5 due to the Ice Cream Men actively helping them.]

 

[HellaCooltricks]

Not So Sweet Goodbye

You really didn't know what you did wrong.

And frankly, that was almost the worst thing about the whole ordeal.

Walking just steps behind the bulky, candy-coated pirate, you puzzled and picked at the enigma filling your brain, all the while trying to keep pace with the jawbreaking buccaneer as he departed to his ship. His candy pirates were busy loading essential supplies and making last-minute preparations upon your lawn, but truth be told, you didn't really notice them all that much. There was a simple question that was burning up your mind.

Why?

"YOU can't be Serious Stickybeard."

"Aye, I be as serious as a Skittle in a bowl of M&M's. I've made me decision, and I be sticking to it."

"COULD you at least explain yourself?

You could practically hear his eyes rolling in their sockets, clacking like the last few gumballs in a dying dispenser. Your fists clenched themselves. He had told you this before, or so he claimed. But it was clearly, obviously a lie.

"I've told ye before, Benedict."

The pirate stopped, his peppermint peg-leg clacking against the driveway with a sense of finality as he came to a stop.

"Things have changed."

No they hadn't. Everything was the same. You were the same. He was the same. The only thing different was that you didn't understand what went wrong.

"The world has become a much larger place, larger than either you nor I can grasp our sticky hands upon. New powers be openin' up, and opportunities be abeckonin'."

"YEAH I guess. But why are you leaving ME? I THOUGHT we were BUDDIES."

"That has not yet changed, me bucko."
The pirate said, walking over and placing a sugar-encrusted hand upon your shoulder. Pouting before your silhouette, you crossed your arms. If you hadn't changed, then why? Why would he be leaving?

"Ahuh."

"There be tales of a new, brave world fulla' candy and treasures awatin' plunderin'! New adventures, new foes, new tales, new candys of all sorts and varieties!"

"But why CAN'T you look for them here?"

Stickybeard goes quiet, thinking for a moment. Or at least, you think that he's thinking. It was always so hard to tell sometimes what was going on behind that tangled mess of facial hair and lollipops.

"Because truth be told, I think I see that the world has changed. And I'd like to change with it."

You couldn't help but be infuriated and relieved. Part of you still, furiously, wanted to know what was wrong. What you had done to bring upon this change. What miscalculation in your evil schemes, what error in your ways you had made, how exactly you had displeased him, eager to solve the problem, to overcome and outplot and manipulate the outcome to something more favorable to you.

The other part of you was just happy it seemed like he was telling the truth.

"But WHAT about those meddlesome KND BRATS! They're still out there."

"Aye. That they be. Mayhaps I worry that they too have changed. But that might be the paranoia of an old sea dog. In either case, Ben, I know that ye will handle it. Those sugar-snot seapups never kept ye down before!"
There was a reassurance in his voice. Conflicting emotions told you to despise the pity it provided, but you couldn't help but feel a bit more bolstered by it.

"Besides, would it not be a wise course'a action to have somebody runnin' those kiddos that fled by sea to ground? Or to have some one keepin' an eye on the big wild wonder of the globe? There's more out there for me, Ben, but I can still be helpin ye'."
Silence overtook the conversation.

It took what felt like forever. Forever forever.

But eventually.

Eventually.

You decide.

To be.

The.

Bigger man.

Who cares if Sticky Beard wouldn't tell you what you did wrong or why he was leaving. Some nonsense about 'freedom' and a 'changing' world. Whatever. You were the adult here, and you knew what was best. And for the sake of an old friendship and the aid he has lent to you so far, and potentially will lend the future, you decide to ignore it.

For him.

"Bah, WHATEVER. GO play pirate."

Stickybeard just shook his head, before prying his hand off you, and leaving only the faintest impression of a sugar residue upon your shoulder.

"Ye still don't get it Ben. Ye didn't do anything wrong. I just be seeking a new future in new times. The horizons are greater than ye might even imagine. Goodbye Ben. I'll see ye soon."

He says with a curt nod. Your better nature gets to you.

"Bye Fuzz."

That earns a snicker out of the old captain.

"Haven't used that name since we first met."

"WELL, you didn't have a beard yet."

"Aye. Still waiting on that facial hair to grow in?"

"I could grow a BEARD when ever I want!"

"So ye say Benny!"

With that, Sticky Beard gave a lazy salute before catching the last gumdrop gallyplank onboard the Sweet Revenge, leaving you alone on the front porch of your estate.

As you watched the Sweet Revenge slowly set sail, mixed emotions began to stir within you. Still, you wondered, what had you done wrong to send him away?


NOTES:

Firstly, I'd like to acknowledge and deeply thank Tadpoleon for joining us in helping write FatherQuest.

Secondly, upon reflection, we decided to change Skips stats slightly to help better internally balance the quest.


FATHER IS CURRENTLY [SMOLDERING COALS] [42]
Effects: +5 to Stewardship, -5 Diplomacy. Father in his most industrious and productive state, and seeks to complete his goals.


NATIONAL ACTIONS

Select one in each category.

Spoiler: MARTIAL

[ ] Mow the Lawn
DC 120
Alright. Things are starting to get out of hand. Giant monsters are one thing---at least you can see those coming---but you've had it up to here with the rumors of spooky, unexplainable, and downright weird. Death Bears and bulletproof goblins and drunken unicorn fraternities. What a buncha baloney! The only monster under the bed should be the one you lie to kids about to make them behave. Still.. couldn't hurt to look into them.
Reward: Giant monsters, mutants, and other weird things become pacified, reducing the chance that they try to attack again any time soon. May impress monster hunters.

[ ] Cut Down KND Treehouses
DC Variable
You've got those naughty Kids Next Door on the run. The dumb ones have already been rounded-up, but that leaves the kids that think they're oh-so-clever, hiding inside their sector treehouses. The joke's on them! They've got treehouses, but you've got chainsaws! Saw those strongholds of dissent down, and throw any KND operatives you get your hands on into permanent detention!
Reward: Sector treehouses in North America are cut down, further destabilizing the Kids Next Door remnant. Chances to capture notable KND operatives and confiscate 2x4 hardware are based on your level of success.

[ ] Hunt Down Mother-Tie
DC 80
Your journal speaks of an ancient beast, hidden deep, deep within the forgotten mini-malls of Delaware. A monstrous creature, known only as the Mother-Tie, birther of all lesser ties. Its progeny have proven to possess a strange power to possess people, increasing their bureaucratic power, but at the rumored eating of the wearer's will to live. Hunting down the progenitor of them all could prove a boon to your business.
Reward: Capture of the Mother-Tie, Thread Decision

[ ] Perform War Heroics
DC 70
Your government handlers have tactfully explained to you that while you've done good work so far, the impact just one flaming man can have on a 5,000 mile front is decidedly limited. That said, the propaganda value of a super-powered patriot bashing gems and rescuing our boys from peril cannot be understated.
Reward: Opinion boost with the US government and general public.

[ ] Challenge Jasper
DC 150
Your previous encounter with the hulking gem warrior known as Jasper may have opened up a way for you to make a more tangible contribution to the fight. If you can tie up half of their leadership brawling mano a mano, the coordination of the rank and file might falter long enough for human forces to make a push. Of course that relies on Jasper falling for it. And on your own victory. You may have beaten her last time, but this time she'll be ready for you.
Reward: Another shot at Jasper, gem leadership hobbled for a turn, slim chance to capture her.

Spoiler: DIPLOMACY

[ ] Build Partnership with VenTech
DC 90
Building relations with the up and coming VenTech would be very profitable, that much is certain. You've opened the door, now all you need to do is set up an appointment with its owner, J.J. Venture. He's an optimistic sort, but after the loss of his brother, he's been looking for someone else to help support him; even if his brother didn't do much of that in the start.
Reward: Stronger relations with J.J. Venture and VenTech, opportunity for a collab action

[ ] Set up a Lobbyist Group
DC 80
Listen, between you and the world, you're not quite sure what these people are doing, nor why you would pay them. But they have nice suits, and you've heard they can be good at talking the government into doing things.
Reward: Increased Influence in Government, future actions to push for favorable decisions

[ ] Campaign for I.M. Weasel
DC Variable
You haven't quite tossed your hat in with the weasel– a mighty fine weasel, to be honest– but it might not be such a terrible idea to do so. Helping a beloved icon of the people get elected might not look the best for your super villain optics, but I.M. Weasel has never been the kind of man– er, weasel to forget a helping hand. Formally endorsing his bid for the white house will probably lead to him lending an ear when you need it.
Reward: Increased chance of I.M. Weasel's electoral victory. He'll remember your contributions if he wins, making it significantly easier to lobby for favorable legislation.

[ ] Recruit News Staff
DC 80
So as it turns out, World Weekly News is guilty of false advertising. Oh sure, they report and news and they do it every week, but most of their foreign correspondents went AWOL after… whatever happened while you were away. A slew of resignations have left the home front just as understaffed. Small wonder they were so willing to sell. You're going to need a lot of help to whip their newsroom back into shape.
Reward: Potential Hero Recruitment, unlock news agency related diplomacy options, first step in unlocking a second National Action each turn.

[ ] Locate Mr. Fizz
DC 65
You've finally gotten a lead on where your old Root Beer Baron wound up. Evidently, he's been hunting down soda-drinkers for the longest time in the Midwest. Rumor has it that he's even gotten in good with Katz as a hunter for soda.
Reward: Potential Hero Recruitment

Spoiler: STEWARDSHIP

[ ] Contain Gem POWs
DC 80
Effectively dealing with these Gem POW is going to be tricky. On one hand, they don't have to eat, they don't need to sleep, and so long as they are in their gems, they don't cause trouble. When they're not in their gems, they can cause a big mess for everyone involved. Figuring out some way to properly contain them, or at least get them to stop thrashing their prisons would be very beneficial.
Reward: Risk of Gem POWs breaking out of confinement goes down. Cues thread decision.

[ ] Buy Scam Co. Products
DC 20
Advertising works, even on you. After the eleventy-billionth ad, you cave in and decide to buy a smattering of different products, items, services and more. For what it's worth, everything you decide to buy will be extremely cheap. With these prices, it's hard not to buy them!
Reward: Whatever your money gets you! Opens sub-vote for suboptimal products.

[ ] Re-Establish Coffee-rigs
DC 80
While it was true that you could "grow" certain beans, you knew that was just the weak sauce. What every adult craved was that dark-brown gold, Coffee! Capitalized for the trademark! Buried under the ocean floor, fermenting for thousands of years, this liquid motivator was the perfect choice to help boost production. The only problem was getting there; supposedly, pirates were abound these days, as were sea monsters. But the temptation of money (and coffee) was there.
Reward: Coffee Rigs, Future Sea Base Expansion, Adult Co. actually starts making money again

[ ] Develop Luxury Housing for Employees
DC 70
Well, not all your employees. That'd be silly. But it couldn't hurt to build some nicer housing for your biggest and most valuable underlings would make sense. After seeing all of your super villains run off the moment you left, it probably wouldn't hurt to keep them all anchored in one spot to ensure they don't run off. They'll probably appreciate the idea, and will (hopefully) keep them from moving into your house.
Reward: Increased Loyalty for Heroes, bonus loyalty for new recruited heroes

[ ] Refurbish Ice Cream Factories
DC 80
Now that he's been formally invited onto the staff, Professor XXXL is chomping at the bit to get back to his life's work. Trouble is, Adult Co's ice cream plants have been left abandoned for much too long. Turns out your Ice Cream Men are a lot better at serving and eating frozen treats than they are at making them. A little elbow grease to get them back up to code should bring them into working order.
Reward: Start manufacturing ice cream, new Learning actions to develop your products, Adult Co. actually starts making money again

Spoiler: INTRIGUE

[ ] Hunt down the K.N.D.
DC 130
Hunting down the K.N.D., or brats as you call them, has slowly become a priority. After trouncing their little pockets of resistance, they seem to have really gone to ground, covering their tracks as much as they possibly can. But you are certain they're up to something! Even in defeat, you know their tenacity, resourcefulness and ability to annoy you can bring them back from the verge of utter collapse. Besides, that weird thing with the Ice Cream men proves that they are out there! Still!
Reward: Information regarding the last holdouts of the K.N.D.

[ ] Investigate the "Guild"
DC 70
So there's some other tough guys trying to edge in on your turf, eh? Well, you were the original one to set up villainy! Well, at least adult-themed villainy, and that's got to count for something. Monstroso mentioned something about these costumed villains while signing, and with a little sleuthing, you might be able to learn about them.
Reward: Discover the Guild of Calamitous Intent, and what their whole deal is.

[ ] Begin Total Drama Productions Sabotage
DC 80
As a sign of good faith, and for added protection, Izzy has spilled the beans on pretty much everything she knew about Total Drama Productions. And oh boy, it's a doozy. Just from memory, she's been able to explain some of the different weak points in TDP's broadcasting, infrastructure and management. She's more than eager to get back at that idiot McLean, and this would be the first step forward.
Reward: Sabotaging of Total Drama Productions, weakening of Chris McLean

[ ] Investigate Paradigm City
DC 50
It was only a few months ago when you noticed a strange new city on the map. Paradigm City, a bustling metropolis located in a desert and right off the coast. You had never heard of such a place before, but evidently, it had been there for years. It was pretty reluctant to make contact with the wider world, but in doing so, it's grown to be quite the place of commerce. Its secured, enclosed domes have proved to be a reliable deterrent to outside threats when coupled with its mysterious robotic protectors.
Reward: Information about Paradigm city, establish contact with people within

[ ] Break Endsville Energy Solutions & Morbucks Oil Partnership
DC 115
The partnership between Morbucks Oil and Endsville Energy Solutions could potentially prove catastrophic for any future energy sector ventures of yours. Morbucks Oil owns thousands of oil reserves around the world, and is one of the biggest names in drilling. Meanwhile, Mandy has proven the viability of her Underworld Reactors. Combined, it could result in a massive power house - Quite literally in this case.
Reward: Damaging Mandy's economic power, halting merger

[ ] Locate Sector V Members
DC 80
Sector V, your arch-enemy. While there's no trace of Sector Z or Monty, there have been a few whispers here and there of what Numbuh 2, 3, 4 and 5 have gotten up to since your disappearance. You're inclined to hunt them down, and find out exactly what those little-snot-nosed children have gotten up to! The only thing you know for certain right now is that they seemed to have split up.
Reward: Leads on Sector V's locations.

Spoiler: LEARNING

[ ] Build an Even Bigger Robot
DC 70
That Mandark punk made a robot that's bigger and tougher than yours. You could be the bigger man about this and let it slide. On the other hand, you could be a bigger and better man by making a bigger and better robot that'll put that junior poindexter in his place!
Reward: Increased bonuses for your Giant Robot. This may instigate an escalating mech-building contest between you and Mandark. As the Even Bigger Robot is being made for spite first and practicality second, there will be diminishing returns and higher DCs if this keeps being taken.

[ ] Investigate 2x4 Technology
DC 80
After sending the KND remnant running home for their mamas, you came to an unpleasant realization. Those pesky Kids Next Door left without cleaning up all of their junk! Normally you would have torched a lot of it, but maybe it wouldn't hurt to have the lab techs study how those kids built all their little toys out of such haphazard, el-cheapo building material.
Reward: Father learns the base principles of 2x4 technology, the equipment and vehicles utilized by the Kids Next Door. Determines if industrial or commercial applications are possible.

[ ] Gem Solar Power
DC 100
Even ignoring their ability to generate matter from light, gemtech generators offer unparalleled solar efficiency. If you can learn how to replicate it you might just be able to edge out that little blonde sourpuss from Endsville with a cheaper and less theologically dubious source of clean energy.
Reward: Unlocks Stewardship action to build advanced solar arrays, inroads into competing with Mandy in the energy sector.

[ ] Gem Tech Integration
DC 95
Hank's work with the captured gem ship has provided a solid proof of concept for integrating human and gem technology. Gem hardlight generators offer enormous potential for reducing weight loads in heavy vehicles, and if you can crack their hover technology the sky is literally the limit. Being the first to a patent a method for incorporating gem tech into your products could give Adult Co a formidable edge in several industries. On the other hand given Peridot's current reliance on retrofitted human vehicles, the knowledge gained could also prove invaluable as military intelligence.
Reward: Better understanding of Gem Tech principles, thread vote on whether to keep gemtech integration methods proprietary or share as military intelligence.

Spoiler: OCCULT

[ ] Research Shen Gong Wu
DC 85
Whatever that buffoon with the spiky red hair was on about sounded interesting. These 'Shen Gong-Wu' as Hex put it, are evidently mystical items capable of giving their wielders amazing powers. While your helmet was mostly just good at letting you look around, Hex says he has heard of more powerful artifacts; but first and foremost, you need a way to find them.
Reward: Unlock further actions to hunt for and exploit Shen Gong Wu.

[ ] Research the Book of K.N.D.
DC 80
Looking over to the shelf, you spot the book. A chill runs down your spine, as just the sight of it brings back some bitter, hurting memories. That was the thing your brother had held so dearly, had caused your own fathers defeat twice, and eventually… his death. Gingerly picking it up, you dust off the cover. You supposed you were out to read it. Cracking open the book, you are met with singed paper, slight bits of ash, and something entirely incomprehensible. Page after page of gibberish, the words squirming and wriggling under your sight, never quite making sense. Oh wait, your glasses were off. Putting them on, and nope, it didn't help. Something strange was at work here, and you'd need to take some more time to figure it out.
Reward: Lowered Investigate 2x4 Tech DC and unlock further actions to reverse engineer it. Unlock tech openers related to Imagination, KND Mythology, & Magic.

[ ] Un-Hypnotise Ice Cream Men
DC 60
Your Ice Cream Men haven't been acting like themselves lately. In fact, they've been acting like a bunch of KND operatives. Between their glazed over eyes and droning voices, the internet tells you they're experiencing the classic symptoms of hypnosis. The only question is; how do you reverse it? You've already tried snapping your fingers and dumping cold water on their heads. All you've got left to go off of is one really ugly snake.
Reward: Removed +5 bonus to KND martial sabotage. Restore Train Ice Cream Men action, ???

[ ] Study the Human Soul
DC 100
You can't help but sizzle enviously at the (possibly) literal killing Endsville Energy Solutions is making off infernal power. Your initial investigation into alternative energy sources revealed that harvesting the energies of the underworld directly is only possible with a stable portal. However, you also learned that a good portion of the power generated is derived from the souls of the darned. Maybe H-E-Double Hockey Sticks is where souls end up, but it might just be possible to get ahold of one without making the trip. First, though, you'll have to figure out what makes them tick.
Reward: Unlocks Develop Soul Traps Occult Action.

PERSONAL ACTIONS

Father receives 4 Personal Actions per round. Heroes have 1 Personal Action in addition to being assigned to a National Action.

Spoiler: FATHER

[ ] Hold a Barbeque
If you were gonna get people back to your side, you knew the key to a lot of people's hearts. A good, old fashioned, personally cooked, Barbeque! And you were the best cook you knew. Not that you say it in front of Gramma Stuffum.

[ ] Meet with the Black Knight
Providence is beginning to irk you. Last time you came calling they gave you the cold shoulder. When you finally got through to a secretary they gave you an appointment to meet with somebody called the Black Knight. Dramatic name. Might be worth your while.

[ ] Tinker with Sir Toasty
Well, now that Sir Toasty is up and running again, you're thinking about possibly adding some different bells and whistles to him. Maybe make him a bit smarter? Having a totally loyal, fire-proof, fire-slinging, fire-fueled fire-knight robot does sound handy, especially if he has some initiative of his own. Slight RAGE decrease, possible Sir Toasty Hero, ???

[ ] Eat Ice Cream
Indulge yourself. RAGE decreases.

[ ] Visit Spankulot in Prison
Last you heard, Spankulot was in the hoosegow. You're not sure when that happened, but you can understand why. Sure, he was a villain, but even you admit, the whole "hunt down naughty kids and spank them" thing was a little too weird. It seems he was "canceled", both online and in real life. Better go visit and see how bad things have gotten.

Spoiler: HANK HILL

[ ] Hang Out in the Alleyway
Well, it's not really the alleyway, but the CEO's office corridor would be a good way to boost morale and meet people. He could even invite Mr. Father!

[ ] Look into What All This "Super Villainy" Is
Becoming a CEO of a big corporation is stressful. It can be even more disconcerting when he finds out that it also produces supervillain weapons and tools. Hank will try to come to an understanding with what he does.

[ ] Mow the Yard
Literally this time, not metaphorically. A healthy lawn leaves a healthy state of mind, doing some lawn work on Father's property is good exercise.

[ ] Hold a Barbeque
Have a barbeque! It won't be as good as Father's, but it will be certifiably Texan. Hank will host a barbeque and see who shows up!.

Spoiler: TOILETNATOR

[ ] Build an homage to Father
Tolienator did kinda mess up his fountain. Let's make a new one! Although, it will primarily be made of plumbing pipes and urinals. He'll probably like it?

[ ] Look for Friends!
Well, since all the villains left, Tolienator has mostly been left without a social circle. Time to fix that! Tolienator will try and find some friends to talk to. Keyword try.

Spoiler: "IZZY"

[ ] Send Audition Tapes
Izzy will create audition tapes, mostly for movie studios not owned by Chris. While technically black listed, that hasn't stopped her before.

[ ] Spread Gossip
Nothing creates chaos like a good bit of drama, and Izzy can't help but push some dominoes over. She'll create some gossip and carefully put it into places outside of Adult Co.

[ ] Perform a stunt
Gotta give the people what they want, and what they want is Izzy! Izzy will go out and perform a death defying insane stunt - Or at least, that's what it will look like. In truth, it will just be an illusion, designed to trick the public.

Spoiler: "Hex"

[ ] Study new forms of magic
Despite his great deal of traveling, Hex claims that there are a great deal more magics in the world than he realized. Hex will take some time to study all this strange sorcery and make heads or tails out of it.

[ ] Set up a new Library
Every good magician needs a library. Where else would he study, store his studies, and think about more studies? Not to mention it would act as a place to store Hex's mystical tomes, artifacts and more. But he calls it a Sanctum. Whatever that is.

[ ] Take a sample from Father's suit
Hex's last attempt to understand the peculiar source of your fiery might ended in frustration. Although he determined that your magic was probably hereditary, he's equally interested in your weird shadowy suit. Come to think of it, you're not really sure when you first started wearing it…

Spoiler: "Professor XXXL"

[ ] Hunt Down Ingredients
As the man who will one day perfect the humble snow cone, Professor XXXL is always on the lookout for rare and enticing flavorings. With the candy market booming like never before, it never takes long for the rumor mill to fill up with tales of sweet sensations.

[ ] Catalogue your germ collection

Aside from his obsession with frozen treats Professor XXXL has the bizarre side hobby of collecting deadly diseases and lab grown viruses. He can't remember what he started gathering them for but ever since that incident with the monkey his specimens have been in terrible disarray.

[ ] Stabilize your mutations

An unfortunate lab accident years ago left the Professor with a constantly mutating body. Most of the time his adaptations never linger long enough to be much use, but a little genetic tinkering can stabilise them temporarily.

[Roll on a table for random animal mutation with mixed benefits.]

Spoiler: "Skips"

NEW STATBLOCK:

Martial: 20
Diplomacy: 15
Stewardship: 15
Intrigue: 15
Learning: 10
Occult: 15

I've Seen This All Before: Skips is worldly and well-travelled. he knows a little bit of everything. That said, he isn't a researcher. +15 to Occult or Learning rolls that don't involve actual spellcasting or laboratory testing. (This applies to most tech-tree openers)

Handyman: Skips's main trade. +10 to Stewardship rolls that involve maintenance, repairs, or mundane construction work.


[ ] Prepare for the Ritual
As part of settling into his new job Skips has been getting to know the area a little better. You know, day to day stuff. Where to eat, what's the traffic like, where he can find an isolated forest clearing no less than twelve miles from civilisation with an unobscured view of the moon and stars and enough dry brush to build a bonfire. Okay maybe that last one is a little out of the ordinary, but hey, whatever makes your employees comfortable right?

[ ] Do some landscaping
When Skips started talking about adding some parks to the city he had you worried for a second that he meant playground equipment. After he assured you there would be no monkey bars or monkey business, you gave him the go ahead to plant a few greenways.

[ ] Learn to code
Skips seems pretty handy with just about everything except computers. He somehow managed to install a virus on his work laptop while trying to print a schedule. The only weekend computer class he could find was being taught at a senior center, but he doesn't seem to mind. He said he had a feeling that he wouldn't be the youngest person there.

[ ] Collect VA benefits
Skips has listed on his resume that he's an active duty veteran, which would be great if you could actually collect the tax break for it---except that he seems oddly hesitant to actually register with the government. When you asked what war he'd served in he just told you "The first one."

[ ] Recruit a Hero
Hire a hero of the hero units currently available for acquisition. This costs two Personal Actions from Father to perform, and can only be taken once per round.

Spoiler: "Available Heroes"

[ ] Knightbrace
The Plaque Crusader, the shining knight of shiny teeth, and the retainered foe of all things unhygienic. It seems that he has lagged behind the other soopervillains in their rampages, as he has personally taken his time to hunt down each and every cavity in the area before moving on. This has made his progress rather slow, and easy to find: Just follow the dental floss and you'll find your man.

[ ] Mr. Wink and Mr. Fibb
The ominous, chair-bound Mr. Wink and Mr. Fibb are masters of engineering and are technical wizzes, making incredibly sophisticated robotic-chairs to do their dirty work. After seeing you make your return with a giant robot, they've approached you and are looking to join up once more.

[ ] Mr. Black and Mr. White
These two government agents are the picturesque men-in-black. Black suits, black glasses, crew cuts, and earpieces 24/7, they hit every checkmark one possibly could. Heck, the two look almost near identical. But personality-wise, they seem a bit more lax, and willing to help brush things under the rug, so long as it serves the Government's agenda overall.

⏰ THERE WILL BE A 12 HOUR MORATORIUM ON VOTING.[/SPOILER]

 

[HellaCooltricks]

[X] Plan T.S.P.W.A.C.A.B.A.W.H.C (The Second Plan Without A Cool Acronym, But Atleast We Have Coffee)
-[X] Mow the Lawn
--[X] Hex
-[X] Recruit News Staff
--[X] Hank
-[X] Re-Establish Coffee-rigs
--[X] Skips
-[X] Locate Sector V Members
--[X] Izzy
-[X] Gem Tech Integration
--[X] Professor XXXL
-[X] Un-Hypnotise Ice Cream Men
--[X] Toiletnator
-[X]Recruit a Hero
--[X] Mr Black and Mr White
-[X] Meet with the Black Knight
-[X] Tinker with Sir Toasty
-[X] Look into What All This "Super Villainy" Is
-[X] Look for Friends!
-[X] Perform a stunt
-[X] Take a sample from Father's suit
-[X] Catalog your germ collection
-[X] Prepare for the Ritual


NATIONAL ACTIONS

Mow the Lawn
DC 120 (CF 5% CS 5%)
1d100 = [ 3 ] + 37 + 5 + 27 + 3 = 75
CRITICAL FAILURE

Hex approached the task you had assigned him with the same attitude as all of his latest pursuits. With a stoic, calculating and cautious advance born of experience that left no room for mishap or confusion. He made a clear effort to minimize collateral damage, preferring to bind and subdue the creatures and rebels that had infested your estates and surrounding territory. In fact, it was almost entirely in hand when you finally departed for the Moonbase. Stepping into the shuttle, you gave him a curt nod of respect and left. When you returned, the situation had… escalated. Stumbling out of the crashed escape pod, you and Izzy found yourselves standing in a crater that had once been a major suburb alongside the mangled corpse of a birthday magician, an angsty teen, and a very shamefaced Hex.

Result: The monsters are gone but at what cost? Large reduction in public approval.

To be continued in Interlude: Charm: Cast


Recruit News Staff
DC 80 (CF 4% CS 6%)
1d100 = [ 94 ] + 21 + 5 +23 + 4 = 147
CRITICAL SUCCESS

Evidently, when you bought your news staff, there had been a big round of resignations. That wouldn't do. In fact, not only would that not do, but you knew Hank could do better, as did Hank. With a sweeping reform, you and Hank are able to snatch up a swathe of reporters, journalists, bloggers, influencers, and anybody off the street with anything resembling a communications degree. Evidently, Hank is just as good at giving interviews to reporters as he is at giving interviews to propane salesmen. Your news agency has ground back to life and they're itching to dispatch reporters to catch up on the very eventful past few months. A few exceptional individuals pop up on Hank's radar who might just be able to wrangle this new news beast into something truly awe inspiring.

Result: New hero recruitment options unlocked, New Position Unlocked (See Below for "Positions")


Re-Establish Coffee-rigs
DC 80 (CF 4% CS 6%)
1d100 = [ 81 ] + 19 + 5 + 15 + 2 + 10 = 132
SUCCESS

As you and Skips flew in over the abandoned remains of your long-dormant offshore coffee rigs, you estimated that it would take a few years at least to get them back in business. Skips assured you that years are relative. You chuckled at what you assumed was a joke. But a few months later, you were no longer laughing. Turns out Skips had done some time on an oil derrick, and while drilling for brown gold instead of black was new to him, he adapted to the task remarkably well. Looking out over the edge of the catwalk you even saw that he'd had begun construction of some auxiliary docks. Now that your rigs are back up, you can use them as a launching point to extend your influence over the high seas.

Result: Open Seaport Stewardship action available with reduced DC, unlocks actions for overseas trade and diplomacy.

Add to Stuff: Coffee Rigs [+1 Income]

Income applied to funds every other turn, starting with this turn.


Locate Sector V Members
DC 80 (CF 2% CS 8%)
1d100 = [ 93 ] + 27 + 29 + 2 = 151
CRITICAL SUCCESS

The recent KND sabotage has opened your eyes to the dangers even the scattered remnants of those meddling brats might pose. So obviously you immediately dispatched your sidekick to investigate the whereabouts of the most meddlesome of the lot, that accursed Sector V.

You aren't quite sure how Izzy did it, but she delivered. Sure, her hair was a little bit on fire, she had a black eye and the file was covered in what was certainly not ketchup, but she got it, and she seemed pleased.

Numbuh 5 was the easiest to locate, and was actively a problem as you read it. It was only natural that Sector V's second in command was already making a nuisance of herself, having hijacked a Candy Pirate vessel and claimed it for her own. She was already raiding known candy pirate settlements and there was a persistent rumor that she'd be soon picking a fight with any shorebound Adult Co. facilities, armed to the sugar-rotten teeth with all sorts of not-so-sweet surprises.
THREAT LEVEL: HIGH

As for Numbuh 4… It's frustratingly vague. He left the United States for Australia along with his family, but after that, he seems to have gone MIA. Right now, you don't have any way of getting boots on the ground Down Under to go looking. You don't expect this dim-witted brat to be an issue unless he has someone else to do the thinking for him.
THREAT LEVEL: UNKNOWN, PROBABLY LOW.

The report on Numbuh 3 took a turn for the morbid. Izzy ran up against a lot of false starts before Skips apparently pointed her towards "the right kind of dead end." What she found was very, very unsettling. Numbuh 3 sightings traced a map of destruction. Each and every one in the wake of some terrible disaster. Eyewitness interviews describe a child-sized figure in oversized green robes wielding a glinting scythe and a Very Special Forever Good-Bye Rainbow Monkey. Izzy was unable and unwilling to try for a firsthand look. You always thought Numbuh 3 could be a bit… well, kooky. A little creepy, even. But this is new. Other than acting as some kind of harbinger of death, the only other consistent pattern to the stories are the rumours of her at the helm of a massive ghost ship called "Charon's Rainbow."
THREAT LEVEL: UNKNOWN

Numbuh 2's position was a little bit harder to narrow down, and was invariably what led to most of Izzy's bumps and bruises. Evidently the hair-brained flyboy's 2x4 plane had been last sighted buzzing around Mandark's territory hopping between old KND weapons caches. The trail went cold there, till Izzy took a "self-guided backstage tour" through Mandark's HQ. Thankfully, she's faced gameshow challenges more dangerous than his security, and she was able to get the scoop: evidently, Mandark has reached out to him as a candidate for something he's calling his "Think Tank." If he accepts, he'll probably be too busy in the lab to actively pick a fight with you, but no doubt about it he'll be itching for an excuse. Try not to give Mandark one.
THREAT LEVEL: MEDIUM

And finally.

Numbuh 1.

The worst of all.

Nothing.

Not a clue.

Not a one.

Result: Detailed breakdown on 3 out of 5 Sector V members w/ threat assessment. New National actions to deal with Numbuhs 2 and 5.


Gem Tech Integration
DC 95 (CF 4% CS 6%)
1d100 = [ 96 ] + 19 + 31 + 4 = 150
CRITICAL SUCCESS

Professor XXXL is a strange man. You assigned him to work on the Gem Warship to get it into a fully functional bastion of war and might, something you could use to show the absolute power you held within the grasp of your hand. Sure, it wasn't *precisely* his field of expertise, but hey, he said he had worked on big giant robots before! So why not. When he asked when he would get the chance to work on something more to his… tastes you brushed him off and said he could do whatever he wanted once he was done with the ship. So XXXL shrugged his shoulders and waddled out of your office.

Skip forward a month and you are furious. You were expecting a Warship. A big ALIEN Warship. And Professor XXXL had only sent you a single work update.

You are prepared to deliver one heck of a scalding to the absent-minded professor when you slam open the hangar doors and see a big giant ALIEN warship, retrofitted and in perfect condition, floating freely in its hangar. It was about as beautiful as one could call a giant evil warship, and it was covered in a frankly jaw dropping amount of ordinance. Clad in ultra-dark titanium, it looked like the gauntlet of an evil lord, with proper spikes upon the knuckles the size of a sudabaker. You figure it was a safe bet that at some point, some way, this thing was going to punch something. Segmented parts of the fist clearly showed where it could deploy the finger-fighters, while extending from the wrist came the bridge, jutting out like a laser cannon or a very obnoxious watch. In classic Evil Adult Fashion, it featured a red circular window that you could look out from. Finally, the massive propane powered engines in the back of the forearm rumbled, the energy generated by fossil fuels keeping it aloft while clean burning. Overall, it was looked just as dominating as you had dreamed it to be.

Over near the corner, Professor XXXL waved at you as he carefully dismantled a snow cone machine, dozens of schematics and research theorems on a board behind him.

"Ah! Father! Perfect timing! I had the giant hand thingy finished weeks ago. Now I just need your help working out how to make it dispense shaved ice…"

Result: Gem Warship upgraded into The Iron Fist (Substantial Quest Martial bonus), Learning Actions: Hardlight Vehicles & Hardlight Scaffolding, Thread Vote.

Now that you've figured out a reproducible way of integrating Gem components into human hardware, you're left wondering what to do with it. On the one hand, you DID figure this out by yourself. Adult Co's gonna have to start earning dough somehow, and keeping a monopoly on advanced alien tech would certainly help with that---not to mention the patent royalties. On the other hand, there is a war on. As the Gems deploy more earth vehicle hybrid technicals, the intel on how they're put together could help US troops take them apart on the battlefield, not to mention the possibility of Uncle Sam reverse engineering Gem weapons of war to give them a taste of their own medicine.

Select One:
[ ] Keep Gem Tech Integration Methods Proprietary
[ ] Share Gem Tech Integration Intel with the Military

VOTE WILL BE CALLED IN 24 HOURS
THERE WILL BE A 12 HOUR MORATORIUM

Un-Hypnotise Ice Cream Men
DC 60 (CF 3% CS 7%)
1d100 = [ 9 ] + 15 + 6 + 1 = 31
FAILURE

Tolietnator approached the task bestowed upon him by Father with the utmost sincerity. Those dastardly, evil, cruel Kids Next Door Operatives had done something to poor Father's loyal. hardworking, and honest Ice Cream men! Did they have no shame?

Never fear though, Tolienator knew just what to do! If showing them something spinny hypnotized them in the first place, then all he had to do was show them another hypnotic swirling pattern. And what could possibly be more hypnotic than the mesmerizing spiral of a flushing toilet bowl?

Toiletnator's attempt to deprogramme them ultimately amounted to a really gross waterboarding session. Eventually the sound of repeated flushing got on your nerves and you decided to go kick Tolienator in the keister. Sure, your Ice Cream Men were acting up, but they were YOUR henchmen darn it! And nobody was going to give them a swirly but you!

Result: You found out that Tolietnator knows nothing about hypnotism. Surprisingly good at waterboarding (swirlies).


PERSONAL ACTIONS

FATHER
-Recruit a Hero
Your meeting with Agent White and Agent Black goes smoothly enough. As government liasons, they seem alright enough. They explain their role as your government assigned secret agents, and were mostly clean cut. The rope-hand things are pretty weird, but you suppose your not one to judge.

-Meet with the Black Knight [ 49 ]
It was a busy week and your schedule was more packed than a KND knapsack between your meeting with Moltar, the purging of the lawn and the never-ending paperwork, so you had to make this quick. The meeting with Black Knight was over a light brunch guarded by a heavy security mandate. You had to go through a check point just to get into the cafe and then another to place an order, and despite the lack of visored goons with guns near her, you still didn't feel quite so secure in her presence. She was sharp, dark, and straight to the point, and hardly even showed a shimmer of discomfort at the fact that you were dressed like a looming shadow of paternal rage.

In very eloquent and straight forward terms, she explained the role of Providence and the danger of EVOs. Providence is a global organization created by a coalition of numerous different countries in order to combat the threat posed by the creatures, although with the world as it is, she mentions that the initial goal might have grown since then. You're not sure whether you should be proud, bashful or threatened when she refers to your performance in Canada. When you politely ask what an EVO even is, she simply gestured to a man with shades, who then promptly slammed a canister-like container onto the table. With a hiss, the metallic sides moved, revealing what ought to be a bull-frog. Leaning forward, you look closer- a bit too close, as when it croaks, a massive eye-ball presses against its throat, making clear eye-contact with you. As you recoil back, flames hissing at your fingers, it takes advantage of the confusion and leaps forward, needle like teeth scratching into the glass with a horrid sound. With that, the agent reactivates the containment shields, hiding the little beast once more.

"An Exponentially Variegated Organisms. Or, an EVO."

With a slight chuckle, the face of Providence explained cooly that the frog used to be a principal. Although, she mentioned that he had also been a normal frog previously as well. You weren't sure what was so funny about that.

She goes on to explain that EVOs are capable of turning practically anything into a monster capable of ripping off faces, poisoning what's left and then wearing the skin to hide. People, animals, plants, viruses. Everything was infected. She was infected. You were infected. There was no telling when, where or why they'd activate. Only that Providence was the world's response.

You sit in silence and ask a few questions, gaining a smattering of insight before lying and saying your appetite had slipped away. Truth be told, it had left just about when you saw the frog. She mentions something about working together in the future, about magic or something, aliens. What ever. Your brain thinks your gut had the right idea, and after a minute or too more, you follow suite and scram.

-Tinker with Sir Toasty [ 79 ]
Heading back to your workshop, you recalled Sir Toasty and began to once more work on your loyal brass knight. Tinkering with all the little parts that meshed together to form his inner workings was almost soothing. You carefully attuned his gears, recalibrated his actuators and bit by bit improved your mechanical creation. Singeing hands seared away imperfections across his bronze armor, your eyes narrowing in satisfaction as you admired your exacting work. He's not quite "smart" but now he can act autonomously with a wide enough range of adaptability that you'd be comfortable using him as more than just a sentry for the mansion. You're also pretty sure that you could upgrade the rest of your knightamatons the same way.

Reward: Toasty's +5 Martial Bonus to defending Father's Mansion can be reassigned to quests. Automate Mansion Security Martial action unlocked.


HANK HILL
-Look into What All This "Super Villainy" Is [ 100 + 79 ]

Why are there children inside that birthday cake?
…
Wait a minute… Is that… Mr.
….
BWAH!?!?!
….
Oh dear lord, Bobby don't look!

To Be Continued in Interlude: Up Past Your Bedtime With Father

Result: Well, now he knows.


TOLIETNATOR
-Look for Friends! [ 55 ]
After you kicked him out of the house for waterboarding your Ice Cream Men Tolietnator hit the town looking for his old friends. Not that the people he's looking for are at all interested in reuniting. All the same, he was able to find somebody from the old days: the one and only Cuppa Joe! But the coffee-crazed tycoon wasn't his usual hyper-caffeinated self. Between calm slow sips from his trademark oversized mug, he explained that after a failed experiment to create an unprecedented quintuple shot of espresso left him comatose for weeks, he quit the hard stuff for his health and opened a decaff coffee bar. Before he kicked the Toiletnator out of his store for loitering, he mentioned something from his abandoned caffeine research: A theorized hyper-dense state of java made by compressing one thousand and one beans into a single molecule so pure and dark that not even light itself could escape the mug it was brewed in. The Black Hole Ristretto. Maybe he was just pulling Toiletnator's leg to get him to leave. You can only assume the fact that Tolietnator ran straight to you to blab about it was the intended effect. But when Toiletnator described what he'd heard to your resident food scientist, the look on XXXL's face was deeply disturbed, but not at all skeptical.

Result: Advanced Theoretical Stimulants Learning action unlocked.


IZZY
-Perform a stunt [ 100 + 61 ]
Slipping aboard the take off shuttle was no small feat of its own. Live streaming the entire infiltration was another. And then waiting for just the right moment to make a leap from the very edge of the Moltar Array's threat range in a free-fall from orbit was utterly INSANE. Cackling madly, Izzy watched as the laser artillery swiveled aim and fire, realizing with perfect clarity that she had just waited a moment too long to escape their auto-lock. She began to descend from half way to the moon to Earth followed by a crimson trail of laser fire, orbital defense missiles, S.H.E.E.P-Laser blasts and everything else the Moltar array could garner at the last second. It certainly gave her something to do for some time, and it was only after she had escaped the effective firing range that she began to feel fear; mostly the fear that the ratings would dip. That's about when you came into the picture and things only escalated from there.

You knew all this because she was showing it to you from her own personal recording as part of an utterly delirious pitch. Izzy McBeth Callaghan Forest was now a household name according to her and every celebrity-channel she showed you on your mega-mondo-sized TV. People were calling it the most stellar stunt pulled in the last century. And to be frank, it was in every sense of the word, in your opinion. Thoroughly impressed by it, you decided to agree to her request. Izzy TV (a work in progress name) was a go.

To Be Continued in Interlude: Up Past Your Bedtime With Father

Result: Unlock Give Izzy A TV Show Diplomacy action, Izzy's Totally Famous trait buffed: +10 Diplomacy to fans of Izzy's stunt work. Izzy fandom expandable with future targeted Diplomacy actions.


HEX
-Take a sample from Father's suit [ 88 ]
Even after running through every magic test he could think of and finally borrowing one of XXXL's microscopes, Hex was unable to identify what your suit is made of. Extensive testing revealed that it acts as a powerful focus for pyrokinetic magic, affirming Hex's hypothesis that the suit itself is merely a conduit for innate abilities you could potentially channel through other means. It also seems to absorb all spectrums of visible light, resist high temperatures equivalent to the surface of the sun, and retain a strange connection to the original suit even when separated from it. While he's not much closer to figuring out the true nature of your powers, Hex has come up with a number of potential practical uses for this sample. The trouble is, there's not enough of it to pursue all of them.

Result: New Occult Action Unlocked: Craft Mantle of the Lesser Dad. New Learning Research Action Unlocked: Synthesise Artificial Shadowstuff.


PROFESSOR XXXL
-Catalog your germ collection [ 46 ]
The Professor dusted off his specimens and re-arranged them all in alphabetical order from Anthrax to Zika. Luckily, despite the chimp sized teeth marks on all of the petri dishes nothing was damages badly enough to cause a catastrophic containment failure and the whole thing proceeded tensely, but uneventfully. He's still not exactly sure why he has all these designer viruses but he's positive there had to be a good, presumably snow cone related reason.

Result: Germs successfully cataloged, Experiment with exotic diseases PA unlocked.


SKIPS
-Prepare for the Ritual [ 56 ]
After he finished up with the coffee rigs ahead of schedule, Skips took some time to himself to do… something. You're not exactly sure why he wandered off into the woods, but he came back the next day seemingly satisfied. He then pulled you aside and informed you that about once a year, he's going to ask for a day off with no explanation and he'd appreciate it if you didn't give him any trouble. It's more than a little suspicious, but given his work ethic, it might be worth letting it slide.

Result: The Ritual will proceed.



NEW MECHANIC: POSITIONS

In a new mechanic unique to Fatherquest, players can unlock additional national actions by selecting Hero units to fill key Positions. Positions work by placing a hero into a position (Media Czar, Head of Magical Affairs, Etc). Once a unit is selected to fill a Position, you may then take any actions marked with their specific positions tag. Actions taken by Position heroes do not roll with Father's National bonus, but rather, add the relevant stat of Position hero to that of the hero assigned to the action. In addition, Heroes in Positions may not be assigned to any actions as a hero normally would and may not take personal a personal action every other turn.

Heroes may be assigned to positions by a personal action by Father, or taken away via personal action by Father. Position Actions may still have other heroes assigned to them as per normal hero assignment rules.