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Disclaimer Me Do: I own nothing you recognize. And most of what you don't recognize, I still don't own.
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"Hello everyone and welcome to Alchemic Solutions, LLC!" a young woman with gray skin and shockingly bright pink hair shouted out from her spot behind a counter. "I'm Jinx, apprentice to Alchemist and I would like to personally thank you for choosing to shop with us today!"
The girl snapped her fingers and a series of rings appeared across the counter. The first one, made of simple paper folded over on itself, was the one Jinx picked up for the scene to zoom in on.
"This is my personal favorite and a best seller, one of my very own Rings of Regeneration! By utilizing simpler materials that can only be used once, we've been able to bring the price down to a mere two-hundred and fifty dollars!" the girl onscreen slipped the ring on to her index finger. She was briefly surrounded by an aura of green and golden light before the ring tore itself to shreds and fell from her hand. "As you can see, a Ring of Regeneration will activate automatically upon being worn and will then simply tear apart. This is specifically a security feature we've put in place to ensure that a spent ring cannot be resold under the premise that it might still work. Now, what these bad boys do it actually very simple! They heal up physical injuries and ailments, though they don't do anything for sickness, disease or poisons. Or, well, they'll repair the damage inflicted by them but they won't clear stuff out. Unless it was put in you to hold your bones or organs in place, in which case they might get pushed out. Violently."
Picking up the next ring, a deluge of water dropped on the girl and seemed to instantly fill the room. Jinx looked around in a panic for a moment, her hair flowing freely before she put the ring on. Instantly upon doing so, however, the panicked look dropped off of her face.
"These wonderful little rings actually allow for underwater breathing!" a series of subtitles typed themselves out in front of the girl as her lips moved and bubbles escaped her mouth. "However, being a permanent and persistent enchantment, they suffer from a much higher price point in comparison to the Ring of Regeneration. The lowest we can go is an even five-thousand dollars before taxes, shipping and handling. However, all purchases above one-hundred dollars automatically have shipping insurance included as part of the price."
Zooming back in, the camera focused on the ring wrapped around the girl's finger. A titanium band with some kind of inlaid gemstone or resin cut in the shape of waves going all the way around it.
Zooming out, the water began to quickly drain and Jinx's hair clung to her face like a pink mop. The girl blew out hard and flipped up a few strands to reveal one fuchsia eye.
"Now, in the interest of full disclosure, I'm actually going to put on the next ring before we get to the next event," Jinx explained as she removed the Ring of Waterbreathing and put on the last one of the set. Zooming in, the viewers could see that it was a black ring of some kind of crystalline material and it had a thin, red band that went all the way around it. "This is a Ring of Fire Immunity. And these bad boys have a price point of ten-thousand dollars."
Jinx waved her hands in front of her in a frantic 'Wait!' gesture as flames filled the background and the little strips of paper leftover from the Ring of Regeneration began to dry out, then curl up.
"I know! Super pricey, right!?" the girl had to shout to be heard over the increasing roar of the flames surrounding her. Noticeably, her hair started to fluff back out as though it were being dried out. "But! Any active firefighters are encouraged to mail in proof of employment and purchase and we will be more than happy to offer a ninety percent rebate! Uh... Alchemist was actually really insistent on that one."
The flames around the girl went out and her hair, once styled like a pair of horns, then a wet, floppy mess was now looking rather poofy. On the counter, the shredded remains of the Ring of Regeneration were nothing more than strips of ash.
Jinx clapped her hands together and sent a wide smile to the camera.
"We're planning on expanding our lineup in the near future to include primers for basic spells! Starting out we'll be adding the spell 'Prestidigitation' -oof, that one's a mouthful -which can be used for countless small tasks around the house! Need to get the dishes done? Don't like the color of your new sweater? Need a screwdriver but you left your toolbox at home? This spell can do just a little bit of everything!"
Jinx spread her arms out wide and a banner link appeared over her head.
"Keep your eyes peeled! Stock may be limited but we're doing our best to fulfill all orders in a quick and timely fashion and our lineup will be expanding as we look into what else we can offer you!"
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99+ people are typing...
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"Welcome everyone to VetLife, I'm Bandit and I'm happy to be back!" a man exclaimed from his place seated in front of a camera.
He seemed to be a small, skinny man with a closely-shaved head and a five o'clock shadow. He held up one arm- his only arm- and waved to the camera.
"Sorry I had to cancel last weeks video. A buddy of mine finally came home from the middle-east, which was great!" the man said with a smile, showing a set of mismatched teeth. Half were yellowed and slightly crooked. Natural.
That's awesome!
Glad you got to see your friend.
Did you guys serve together?
Half were perfectly white and straight. Fake.
"But I, uh, well... I was attending his funeral. Which was not so great."
Oof
That blows, man
F
"Yeah. He came back home from a two-year stint and found his wife with a four-month old kid. Way his parents told it? He got into it with the woman. Big shouting match, the neighbors could hear it, cops were called. Don't know what she said but, uh, Da- my friend? He pulled a gun. Just, like, right there in the middle of his living room and just-" Bandit held his one hand up next to his temple, two fingers extended and his thumb out. He dropped his thumb and jerked his hand back.
Suicide is never the answer
Mood
Prolly do the same. Beats paying child support for someone else's kid
"So, spent some time talking with his parents, had to let the other guys know that Da-, my friend, he... uh... wouldn't be around when they came home. Just a rough week overall," the man smiled at the camera, though it was obviously forced.
"So, just another reminder for those new to the channel! If you're married, don't join the military. If you're currently serving, don't get married. That's a landmine you don't want to step on, folks," Bandit said as he wiggled the stump of his missing arm. "Take it from me, I'm an expert on landmines!"
lol
not funny
fake
"Alright, depressing stuff out of the way. Let's get into something fun!" Bandit exclaimed as he reached down to the side of desk he was sitting at and started to awkwardly bring packages into view. "Always ready to run a review on some handi-capable gear. Let's see what works, what don't and what can get on a plane straight back to China. Let's see... starting off, we've got a..."
inflatable bride?
dildo
ur mom
"Grabber," Bandit said, a gormless smile on his face as he held out a claw on a stick. "Well, can't all be winners. Seems pretty basic, here. Plastic claw, that's a negative. Not adjustable, either. As for the grip..." Bandit held out the grabber and squeezed the trigger a few times. "About average, honestly. Yeah, no, this one is definitely not a winner. Hard pass for... Kintronics? Chintronics? I never figured out how these guys want us to pronounce things that have a 'Q' in front with no 'U'."
stupid american
educate urself
wat? u can do that?
"Let's see... Grabber, grabber, bidet- A letter for Liutenant Dan? Oh, someone thinks they're real funny. Just 'cuz I ain't got no legs..." Bandit muttered loudly as he sifted through the various packages and letters he'd piled up next to him. "Huh, this is new. Got a letter here from some 'Alchemic Solutions', never heard of that one before..."
never heard of them
sounds fake
...holy shid
"Alright. Got a little folded up piece of paper and a letter here. 'Dear Mister-' huh, they got my real name... 'Dear Mister Bandit, we at Alchemic Solutions are reaching out to you with an offer to restore your-' Oh, oh real funny, asshole! 'Reaching out to you with an offer to restore your limbs. You will find enclosed one, single-use, Ring of Regeneration. Upon placing this ring somewhere on your body, the magic will-' Magic? Really? Do you guys seriously think I was born yesterday?"
is this 4 real?
Is this talking about Alchemist?
that meta in metropolis?
Bandit dropped the letter with an exasperated sigh and looked at the folded piece of paper instead. Awkwardly fiddling with it with one hand, Bandit eventually managed to unfold it enough to slip it over one finger.
"...There, see?" Bandit asked his audience. "Absolutely noth... huh?"
A subtle green glow surrounded the man and a thin envelope of golden light clung to his skin.
"O...kay? A lightshow. Neat." As confident as Bandit sounded earlier, he now sounded very uncertain.
u now hve mgic canker
I think it was real
dis gun b gud
"...Ah?" Bandit half asked as he tried to fidget in his seat. His fidgeting quickly grew to squirming. "Ah! What-what the-?! My arm, it-"
Bandit reached over with his one good arm and scratched at his empty sleeve. Before the wounded veterans eye, several silvery slivers of metal pushed their way out of the skin of his good arm as he pulled the sleeve back and watched, horrified, as his skin began to bubble and expand outward from the stump.
holy shit its real
should i call 911?
fake
Bandit slammed forward with a choked scream, knocking over his remaining packages as he landed on his desk.
"What?" the man mumbled as tears of pain leaked from his eyes. "What's happening? Oh- oh god, it hurts! It hurts so-!"
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MODERATOR NOTICE
This stream has been ended due to potential violations of the Spasm ToS. Please wait while we investigate the situation
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"Hey guys," a tall, skinny man said as the stream started. He looked worn down and tired but had a strangely satisfied smile on his face. He had two hands clasped in front of him on the desk. "Bandit here with an update. As you all can see, I'm not a one-armed Bandit anymore. And-"
The man leaned back and placed his feet up on the desk. Oddly enough, the skin was pink and raw. As though it had recently been burned.
"I won't be answering to 'Liutenant Dan' anymore." The man placed his feet back on the ground and sat up straight. "I've been getting a lot of people texting and sending me DMs to ask if I'm alright and I'd just like to say 'Yes!', I'm very alright. Better than I was before I went into basic, now. There are a lot of questions I'm not going to answer but there are two that I think you all deserve to know..."
where the dentures go
fake!
I thought this guy was missing an arm?
"Yes, it feels fantastic to take a shit without a colostomy bag. Thank you so much for asking that, user 'Ipoo4u420'. Always love to discuss my bowel movements with complete strangers." Bandit grinned, implying that he actually was having fun even if the topic was... crude. "And, to user 'xXxMechastonerbonerxXx', I just have one thing to tell you..."
guys, is this 4 real?
how he get another arm?
Those are some very impressive prosthetics.
"Yes. My foreskin did, in fact, grow back with the rest of my junk."
holy shid
I didn't need to know that.
Guys! Alchemist Solutions actually has its own website! The prices are cr4zy tho
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Rei's kept low as she slunk about the realm of the eldest.
She'd taken his lessons to heart, learned the arts of teleportation, of water and wind. Even now, she worked to master the spells he deemed her worthy of. The 'Mage Hand' spell was supposed to be a tool of incredible convenience but she found it strange and unwieldy in the most awkward of ways.
The infant dragon crouched low as she watched one of the eldest's metal men go about their tasks. One was carefully walking along the rows of small bushes, a watering canister held in its massive mitts that had been filled from the drippings that came from the trapped Water Elemental.
Crouched low as she stalked the great automatons, Rei's knew she was barely visible as a cloud of mist. On a cool morning upon the island the eldest currently held dominion over, she would be overlooked as nothing more than a natural phenomenon. Just a lingering bit of vapor, a bit of clinging fog that would fade away under the cruel light of day. None could see her, none were truly aware of-
Rei's growled in frustration as Ash stuck her nose, uncomfortably hot and wet, under Rei's's tail.
"Stop that!" the mist dragon hissed, her stalking well and fully forgotten.
"Play?" Ash asked, completely ignoring the dragon's indignation. "Wanna play?"
"No!" Rei's told the overeager hell puppy.
"Play!" Ash demanded. "Hunt? Blink hunt!"
"Blink hunt?" Rei's asked as she tilted her head to the side in confusion. "What?"
Ash's tail wagged furiously for a second before the dog simply disappeared. Rei's experienced a brief second of confusion before a pair of paws impacted her side, knocking her over. Twisting her neck, she saw Ash was on the opposite side from where she'd started.
Everything slotted into place and Rei's understood.
Blink hunt.
Teleporting, Rei's appeared in the air overtop the eager black dog and dropped on her, taking Ash to the ground. They'd barely started to roll and wrestle when Ash teleported herself out of the dragon's iron grip.
But this time, Rei's was prepared. Instead of getting knocked over she teleported herself a meter backwards and watched in satisfaction as the gangly puppy tripped over her massive paws when she tried to knock Rei's back over but she wasn't there.
This 'Blink Hunt' was actually rather fun!
The little dragon crouched low, her tail swaying back and forth rather quickly as she wiggled her butt and got ready to pounce-
"Play?!" a new voice called, demanding her attention. Turning her head, Rei's saw that Cinder had joined the fray. "Play!"
Rei's swiftly changed her target and pounced into a teleport to bowl over the new player in their game.
She was a dragon! The strongest and smartest creature in the demi-plane!
And she would crush these hapless hellhounds under tooth and claw to prove it!
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Worker-Five, 'Johnny' according to the creator, watched in bemusement as the familiars wrestled and played while it continued its task of watering the garden.
Some of its siblings were checking on the trees and harvesting fruit. One of them was currently in the process of scrubbing at the bowl of the pond underneath of the Water Source. The creator had been debating adding some fish to improve the biodiversity, but Johnny did not know if those plans would see progress.
Others were simply resting, no current tasks on their rotation.
Johnny did not dislike its current task. It was simple and... not unpleasant. Not like the repairs that it and its siblings had assisted with when the demi-plane had been the location that saw infighting among guests.
The broken trees and dead plants. The frustration their creator had clearly displayed.
Johnny had felt something that day. Something... it could not easily quantify. It had... wanted.
It had 'wanted' them gone.
Johnny was unused to 'wanting' anything. Johnny much preferred to simply exist and perform the tasks to which it was assigned.
That was much less confusing.
Johnny silently continued to water the plants and carry on its way. Perhaps, in time, something may come of it wanting to remove the intruders that would harm its home.
Perhaps not.
It was still something more than it had ever experienced before. And it had yet to experience anything quite like it ever since.
But the future is ever changing and, in some small ways, so too were the golems.
Johnny-Five was no exception.
