Battle Action Harem Highschool Side Character Quest (No SV, you are the Waifu)

Avalanche · Jan 22, 2019

Spectral Waltz said:
So they're basically just Applied Phlebotinum.

Just call them plot devices, no need to get fancy with the names.

veekie · Jan 22, 2019

I kind of wonder what WOULD it look like if Worm-style entities arrived on a planet simultaneous to a different type of space-gribbly intending to eat/convert the whole thing.

Could be something like that too.
Two unrelated forces by an act of cosmic freak chance land on the same random rock. What would be an irresistable force by original landing estimates becomes a close battle.

Nachtigall · Jan 22, 2019

The typical sci-fi explanation is "found X that allows to break a single law of physics".

As to Higgs, it's mainly used as a substitute for Impeller and there's few to no human-developed Higgs-only effects, right? Then may I suggest control of macro* quantum states as your pseudo-science of choice? It would explain why Higgs can be used as a substitute for most Impeller techniques, since it would basically work by imitating the end-state while glossing over the steps in-between.

Designing new techniques via manipulation of macro quantum states would also be near-impossible if you lack the theory behind Higgs. That would explain why Antagonists can design unique exotic principle weaponry with it, while humanity is limited to using it as a cheat-code for copying things.

*Macro because it lets you treat an entire Valkyrie as if it were a Bose-Einstein condensate, despite being nowhere near absolute zero.

Avalanche · Jan 22, 2019

Nachtigall said:
As to Higgs, it's mainly used as a substitute for Impeller and there's few to no human-developed Higgs-only effects, right? Then may I suggest control of macro* quantum states as your pseudo-science of choice? It would explain why Higgs can be used as a substitute for most Impeller techniques, since it would basically work by imitating the end-state while glossing over the steps in-between.

I'm not trying to be a downer, but I don't see any particular reason at all for a hypothetical model of branch of science to be named for how the Valk cores and Higgs operate.

I could throw some long words at people the same way I did for Blue Wave, but this question is just extraneous fluff.

This might be a disconnect between me and you guys, but it's just not an important matter, so I don't care about it. Were it something relevant to how the plot and setting may develop, I would put effort into exploring it, but right now it's not.

Alphaleph · Jan 22, 2019

Avalanche said:
This might be a disconnect between me and you guys, but it's just not an important matter, so I don't care about it.

Ah! Like the exact location of Anna's hometown?

kaazmiz · Jan 22, 2019

Alphaleph said:
Ah! Like the exact location of Anna's hometown?

Its located in Drugas memories?

The Sandman · Jan 22, 2019

We know where Anna's hometown is now, at least: aerosolized over a decent chunk of the Northern Hemisphere.

JOJOBRN · Jan 22, 2019

I am rereading this for the eight time now. Since I am probably going to do that again later on and dislike errors (and want to annoy Avalanche), I am going to put all of them (those I find and recognize) here. Since English is my third language, I am probably going to be wrong about half of them (and I am not going anywhere near "who" or "whom").

Avalanche said:
"-the latest report suggest the clean-up

"report suggests" or "reports suggest" (or part of a sentence like "[verb]ing the latest report suggest"?)

Avalanche said:
our analyst suggest that the Western Seaboard

"analysts suggest" or "analyst suggests"

Avalanche said:
As always, we begin with the Valkyries units whom made our offensive possible

Avalanche said:
they looked like standard light infantry troops in semi powered armour

nothing wrong here, but I think it would sound better without the "troops"

Avalanche said:
giving the illusion of frailty to strongest armour system humanity had.

missing a "the"

Avalanche said:
from civil to military

I don't know whether this is actually wrong or not, but the antonym of "military" is "civilian"

Avalanche said:
the twenty thousand or Valkyries in service currently

"the twenty thousand or so Valkyries currently in service"

Avalanche said:
win the main characters affections

if character is singular, then "character's affection"

These sentences are not wrong, but they would probably sound better if you split them up:

Avalanche said:
For a moment you rest your hand on it, in contrast to the chilly air of anchorage, the dark slab of rock was warm from the midday sun.

Avalanche said:
Today was the day, you remember vaguely, your memories of the past few weeks in Anchorage were somewhat hazy, the days blending together since you had nothing really to do.

Avalanche said:
seemed to be anticipating question

"questions"

Avalanche said:
Your therapist had been recommended that you

"had recommended" or "had been recommending"

Avalanche said:
I should have done this when we, but

"when we met" probably?

Avalanche said:
pass them onto me

"on to", because the "on" belongs to the "to pass [something] on". I am not very good at using this correctly, so I'll ignore all other places where I think this might be wrong.

Avalanche said:
forty four at the front of the room, one for each other people standing there

"of the"?

Avalanche said:
under the older girls ponytail

"girl's"

"Just know that she most likely the best Valkyrie in the entire Academy" Not an error, but doesn't that mean the Valkyrie Core viewers would already know that Anna is really good (combined with the "you have more flight experience than most instructors" from Post 1; I assume both of those would be in the Anime)?

Avalanche said:
and with black haired appeared

"with black hair" or "black haired"

Avalanche said:
The Cafeteria was a fairly large and open room with tables arranged around several banquet tables, with softer yellow lighting and dark crimson floor tiles compared to the clinical white and grey of the rest of the school, the room presented a far more relaxing atmosphere.

Nothing wrong here ,but it would sound better as two sentences (With the second one starting at "compared")

Avalanche said:
can only be used by elites Valkyries

"elite Valkyries"

Avalanche said:
And what is that meant to mean you moron?

I think this might sound better if you replace the "meant" with "supposed"?

Avalanche said:
equipment which I have not used yet, so I'm going to the simulation rooms to practice with them

"it"?

Avalanche said:
especially at the start of semester where first years apparently cannot be trusted to use the outside training grounds.

"their Valkyrie frames"? I don't know what to put there.

Avalanche said:
You main source of thrust

"Your"

Avalanche said:
forcing you to be aware of what going on regardless of where you looked

"what was going on"

Avalanche said:
Anna would you like to have a match?

"Anna?" or "Anna,"

Avalanche said:
You're much better served practicing against Antagonists Sandra

"Antagonists, Sandra"

Also, Post 3 says

Avalanche said:
4mm hypervelocity cannon. Typically 60,000 rounds resupplied in one standard ammunition crate. 9000 rounds per minute.

but Post 11 says

Avalanche said:
After all, your hypervelocity cannon fires ninety thousand rounds every minute

and

Avalanche said:
How hard would it be to land just one of the one and a half thousand rounds fired every second on target?

Post 3 is probably wrong.

Avalanche said:
pressing down decisively down with a finger.

Avalanche said:
ruins the idyllic view however.

"view, however."

Avalanche said:
steadily advance forwards, crushing the ground under their treads and throwing up dust as they charged

present or past?

Avalanche said:
you say as your join in the returning fire

Avalanche said:
their long articulated carapace

"carapaces"?

Avalanche said:
that shifted this way and that with jerking, irregular motions, plod along the ground

present or past?

Avalanche said:
we close in right?

"in, right?"

Avalanche said:
standard tactics for Valkyries was to close in, to lessen the number of firing arcs that she would be in

Avalanche said:
as the last Ant goes Silent

Avalanche said:
Small optical ports appearing all over your frame and

Avalanche said:
Shuri is blazing around the perimeter, simply dicing apart the approaching fighters with precise shots from her particle projector while Sandra supported her with cannon fire

Avalanche said:
band on it's leading edge

Avalanche said:
the thermal explosion of so much concentrated energy knock it off it's flight path

"knocks" and "its"

Avalanche said:
shattering it's Impeller fields

Avalanche said:
with a well place beam of

"placed"

Avalanche said:
creatures center of mass

"creature's"

Avalanche said:
eyebrow at it's positioning

Avalanche said:
Brushing you hair out of your face

"your"

Avalanche said:
before pulling your original quilt and pillows back around you and resume your rolling about

"resuming" or "you pull"
The last third of this post is still the cutest and saddest thing (I mean "both combined", not "both independent from each other") I've ever read. I am probably never going to find anything written as well as this again.

Avalanche said:
you accept and listen and hear your own voice speaks out

Avalanche said:
you suppose that why the default alarm

"that was why"

Avalanche said:
Everybody in Perth can gets this much

Avalanche said:
for you to consider taking anymore

"any more"

Avalanche said:
However you only manage to make it up to the croutons

"You only manage to make it up to the croutons, however" or "However, you [...]" (However is not a full conjunction)

Avalanche said:
you concentrate for a moment and to assess them

the "to" is unnecessary (unless the concentrating was to do more than just that)

Avalanche said:
The door smoothly opens

"opens smoothly"? (Is this actually wrong? I've never seen it written that way before)

Avalanche said:
mentally glance at the time, 08:21

missing a "." at the end

Avalanche said:
discussion forums for student and Instructors of the Academy

"students"

Avalanche said:
"Good Morning cadet," returns Leonhart absently

"Good morning, cadet,"

Avalanche said:
chirps Meyer cheerfully with smile to you

"with a smile to you"

Avalanche said:
whose eyes widen at the sight of you then determinedly slides off to the side

Avalanche said:
So they were in the same class as you were

the second "were" is unnecessary.

Avalanche said:
the only other one who didn't seems to understand

Avalanche said:
Enough change a look into a glare.

"Enough to change her look into a glare"?

Avalanche said:
see you in this class also."

"also" tends to be used more in writing than in spoken language. It isn't wrong, but people would probably say "as well" at the end of a sentence

Avalanche said:
"Good morning Sandra,"

"Good morning, Sandra,"

Avalanche said:
"Good morning everyone! Welcome to

"Good morning, everyone!"

Avalanche said:
"Alright deal!" Setsuna pumps her

"Alright, deal!"

Avalanche said:
against Antagonist forces however, it mostly

"forces, however" ("forces, however;" or "forces, however:" are probably better)

Avalanche said:
it mostly boiled down to launch hundreds of thousands of missiles and shells at Antagonist groupings

"launching" (or put everything from "launch" to "groupings" into quotation marks)

Avalanche said:
armoured formations advance with heavy air support advance

Avalanche said:
Once deployed enemy forces were sufficiently depleted, then attacks on enemy redoubts could begin

you can get rid of the "then"

Avalanche said:
Type 18s were [...] that it might have been hiding or negate entire waves of missiles and drones with its jamming.

Avalanche said:
destroyed by Aswang to result in fifty million civilian dead in just one hour.

"Aswang, resulting in"

Avalanche said:
That is it for theoretical today Cadets.

"today, Cadets."

Avalanche said:
through the year on our fieldtrips,"

"field trips." (ending the sentence there makes it sound better)

Avalanche said:
but there's likely people who there during lunch

"who are there"

Avalanche said:
See you then Miss Sanchez.

"then, Miss Sanchenz."

Avalanche said:
compared to the smaller rooms mere seven

"room's"

Avalanche said:
these simulator are explicitly safe

"simulators"

Avalanche said:
you pull up a combat rating thing

"the combat rating thing"?

Avalanche said:
Setsuna finishes a couple of second later, revealing Kosenjoubi, an elaborate, nearly ceremonial, red frame with golden highlights, her helmet had a wide clear visor, showing almost all of her face.

This would sound better as two sentences (split between "highlights" and "her")

Avalanche said:
likely double serving as a weapon system, likely a zero range plasma caster.

The two "likely" sound strange that close together. Maybe replace the first one with "apparently"?

Avalanche said:
currently set to a neutral position of pointing behind her

This sounds strange too. "a neutral position, pointing behind her" instead?

Avalanche said:
Setsuna finishes a couple of second later

"seconds"

Avalanche said:
and a black under layer taking shape moment later

"underlayer" and "moments" or "a moment"

Avalanche said:
"Where are your other weapons Koujirou?"

"weapons, Kojirou?"

Avalanche said:
Over at Meyers group, you see

"Meyer's group"

Avalanche said:
The two were began going at it, no longer

Avalanche said:
you see her brow creases for a instant

"that her brow creases" or "crease"

Avalanche said:
You, Koujirou, Setsuna Shuri and Sandra

"Setsuna, Shuri"

Avalanche said:
Everybody there appeared to all have managed to equip Valkyrie units

Avalanche said:
Alright cadets. From now on, we begin

"Alright, cadets."

Avalanche said:
As it turned out, firing of missiles was

"the firing of" or "firing off"

Avalanche said:
This would take entire missiles artillery batteries

Avalanche said:
until it extends tiny wheels from it's body

Avalanche said:
Tiers upon tiers of seats surrounds the field all the way up

Avalanche said:
upper edges of the ceiling a series of records sliding

"ceiling, a series"

Avalanche said:
Third on the nights agenda, Amateur

"night's" or "tonight's"

Avalanche said:
occasionally zooming in on the plentiful orbital debris, occasionally looking much out towards the stars

there is probably a missing word ("further" or "farther" maybe?) between "much" and "out".

Avalanche said:
space battleships alongside a five carriers and their attendant swarms

Avalanche said:
once again from yourself pings in,

"yourself, pings in,"

Avalanche said:
"Bath, brush teeth. Remember to sleep. End message."

"Bathe" or "Take bath" (It sounds better to me that way because it is followed by "brush teeth")

Avalanche said:
Fuck showers, you're going to stick to baths from now on.

I just noticed that apparently a shower is so bad for Anna that she starts swearing. This is why I like rereading BAHHSCQ. I always find things that I previously overlooked or understand them better because I know more about the context

Avalanche said:
You dismiss with a flicker of irritation,

"dismiss them with"

Avalanche said:
After a moment of thought, you bring it back up and search

"them"

Avalanche said:
then you realise it's the sun, it's beams refracted

Avalanche said:
Nodding decisively, move along the tables with a plate, frostily ignoring

"decisively, you move"

Avalanche said:
and again peruse through the classified articles you

Avalanche said:
You spread yours mind outwards and look all

Avalanche said:
groups, already quite a few already had their Valkyrie frames equipped

Avalanche said:
"Good morning Anna," echoes Setsuna as

"Good morning, Anna,"

Avalanche said:
cheeky smile, "What's that Koji? I couldn't hear you~"

"What's that, Koji?"

Avalanche said:
Antagonist spaceships often approached frontline under the cover of Type-18s

"frontlines" or "the frontline"

Avalanche said:
It was much the same with other types of Antagonists units

Avalanche said:
manner Valkyries are always connected to their partnered Valkyries cores regardless of the

Avalanche said:
present on the front did Antagonists formations show aberrations

Avalanche said:
you gain a bit more success, a few Aces were discussed the offensive

Avalanche said:
"Do you already have lunch today Anna?"

"today, Anna?"

Avalanche said:
asks Koujirou with a lazily stretch, before

Avalanche said:
depicted a sun burning brightly over head in a clear blue sky.

"overhead" (or "above"?)

Avalanche said:
From that 'mountain', small sparkling streams ran from it,

Avalanche said:
splitting and joining as they pouring through the gentle hills and

"poured"

Avalanche said:
The river than ran through dense woods before pouring out into a lake that spaned the crescent

"then", "spanned"

Avalanche said:
hundreds kilometers of terrain

"hundreds of"

Avalanche said:
Setsuna had cheerfully set out a blanket on the largest, the had a small double take upon turning and seeing you

"largest stone, then"?

Avalanche said:
The trip into the Instructors lounge was fairly short, set a couple of floor above

Avalanche said:
You weren't going tryout for Squadron Vanguard

Avalanche said:
Re-match time Setsu."
"You know we might not match up against each other right,"

"time, Setsu." "other, right,"

Avalanche said:
"You better not lose you moron."

"lose, you"

Avalanche said:
The Squadron files into the simulation room and enter into

"enters"

Avalanche said:
at that, "Really you moron, we're going to

"Really, you moron,"

Avalanche said:
"They had better be Koji," said Setsuna,

"be, Koji,"

Avalanche said:
second and Setsuna with her heavily armed frame, was the slowest.

"Setsuna, with" or "frame was"

Avalanche said:
"This is not a matter of simply looking good on a parade or air show, as you advance through the years, you will learn techniques such as mass teleporting and overlapping of Impeller fields.

Lots of sentences that run on forever again. This one would sound better as
"This is not a matter of simply looking good on a parade or air show. as you advance through the years, you will learn techniques such as mass teleporting and overlapping of Impeller fields."

Avalanche said:
Vanguards were stationed to the font left and to compensate

"front"

Avalanche said:
The barely organised mass of Cadets manage to break

Avalanche said:
Well no need to worry cadets. We've got all year to improve yet. No time like the present however, back into the air!

"worry, cadets." "present, however"

Avalanche said:
Collecting down you list once again, you stack

Avalanche said:
Good evening Anna, how are you finding the Academy so far?

"evening, Anna"

Avalanche said:
she is my comrade and I will trying to form her into an Ace

Avalanche said:
"So are you interested Anna?" Shuri asks again.

"So, are you interested, Anna?"

Avalanche said:
You hesitate a moment, you weren't planning

"for a moment"?

Avalanche said:
The elevator doors open and the flight entered the Arena

"enters"

Avalanche said:
Arena 30, along with the other arenas, were all above the armour plate

"was" or "Arena 30, like all other arenas, was"

Avalanche said:
Did everything about the various training grounds did have to remind you of Type-18s?

Avalanche said:
using the sheer power of her thrusters to throw powerful shockwaves in the paths Sandra and the other cadet to disrupt their flight paths

"in the paths of Sandra"

Avalanche said:
You current engines were powerful enough to burn

Avalanche said:
On the other side of the arena, you note the other members of the flight had managed to apprehend the remaining cadet.

"arena, you note, the"

Avalanche said:
silent under bright white UV lights. Beneath

Aren't UV lights blue? And why would you use them as lamps in a room?

Avalanche said:
cadets were gathered in the rooms as the pored over pastries

Avalanche said:
One the presentation floor, wooden furniture had been scrounged up, or constructed,

Avalanche said:
She pulls out a checked wooden board and casually set down several dozen pieces.

"sets"

Avalanche said:
There rolls of paper and blocks of wood and metal blocks, along with scalpels and brush pens arranged neatly at the ends

"There, rolls of paper and blocks of wood and metal, along with scalpels and brush pens, are arranged neatly"

Avalanche said:
reviewing the guide as you settle down slowly begin tracing out letters.

"down and slowly begin"? "down, slowly beginning"?

Avalanche said:
Small railway tracks crisscross above your head, spanning across the room, supported by tiny suspension bridges, model trains ran back and forth along the tracks.

"running back and forth along them"?

Avalanche said:
It was no where near as advanced as the model jet

"nowhere"

Avalanche said:
and quite a few other Valkyries thought so to from the way

"too"

Avalanche said:
No you don't think you will.

"No, you"

Avalanche said:
Most of what revealed more of her character were likely kept behind

"was"

Avalanche said:
You compartmentalise the information and move onto Sandra

"on to"

Avalanche said:
Her timeline extended very back far and

"very far back"

Avalanche said:
Mombasa Arcology, it was then that she appeared to

";"

Avalanche said:
the amount of information relating to her immense.

"was immense."

Avalanche said:
Instructors lounge

should that be "instructor lounge"? It sounds strange this way.

Avalanche said:
valued the lives of the two dozen Pakistani Valkyrie cadets above that of the several thousand

"those"

Avalanche said:
even as you expanded the combat logs to limit of your classification

"to the limits"

Avalanche said:
but it did however inform you that as you guessed, her fellow Valkyries were too often not nearly as lucky and skilled.

"it did however inform you that, as you had guessed, her fellow" maybe?

Avalanche said:
there was a huge amount of supplementary documentations that was filed alongside it

Avalanche said:
Type 2s in accord with anti-air would have

would "combination" fit better than "accord" here?

Avalanche said:
attended to by Class B Type Zero Ahriman and

Avalanche said:
you move onto the next events of interest

"on to"

Avalanche said:
there piled on political pressure to for Pakistan to

"there was political pressure piled on for Pakistan to"?

Avalanche said:
rescinded Pakistan's right to maintain an armed force and declares that

"declared"

Avalanche said:
Despite the outrage from Pakistani military command and its nominal civilian government, with the exceptions of their much reduced Valkyrie forces, the majority of Pakistan's military had been serving under UN commanders, used UN fabricated weaponry and vehicles, relied on UN logistics chains and had families that lived in UN constructed Arcologies. Most of the armed forces acquiesce without significant resistance and the nation of Pakistan is absorbed into the UN in all but name. The UN then further declares itself to have total monopoly of force over all humanity as the annexation of Pakistan succeeds, with the blunt justification that the war effort would be better served with a single chain of command and associated integrated logistic chains.

This would probably sound better if all of it was in the past tense. Also, "logistic chains" or "logistics chains"?

Avalanche said:
could make a gist of what happened

"make out the gist of"?

Avalanche said:
North East Theatre, it wasn't likely that he

This sounds better if the sentence ends after "Theatre".

Avalanche said:
especially given the link their combat service records

"link with"? "link in"? I don't really know how to change this.

Avalanche said:
There was a rather lot more there than you really

Avalanche said:
>Masaya Setsuna: "@aana, not really? 1st years

unless that is deliberate

Avalanche said:
individual small scale Antagonist invisible from the distance

"Antagonists"

Avalanche said:
With the anti-air occupied with the missiles, the Valkyries closed, and yellow dots representing projectiles fly back and forth

"close in" would probably fit better.

Avalanche said:
A enthusiastic round of applause rings through classroom

"An enthusiastic round of applause rings through the classroom"

Avalanche said:
in addition to security against subversion as Type 18s and Type 7s, both having been known to

"subversion by Type 18s and Type 7s"

Avalanche said:
Currently human infantry served a largely

"Currently, human infantry"

Avalanche said:
especially amongst submariners and space forces

"and in the space forces" or "and space force members" sounds better.

Avalanche said:
Human Strategic Bombers, however were always deployed with human operators.

"Human strategic bombers, however, were" (or "Strategic bombers, however," since the sentence already ends with "human operators" which makes the first "Human" unnecessary)

Avalanche said:
masses of drones performed the recon and patrol forces that previously occupied much of the human pilots mission rotation.

"recon and patrol roles" or "recon and patrol functions" and "human pilots' mission rotation"

Avalanche said:
also, with the UN Air Force was stuck in a slightly strange place between the massively expanding UN Space Forces and UN Army

the "with" doesn't fit. "where" or "like that" maybe?

Avalanche said:
The UN Navy similarly to the Air Force, lacked much of the previous patrol and power projection value thanks to Antagonists using orbital paths, consisted mostly of fire support and low altitude interception

"similar to" I think? I am not very good at this; "The UN Navy, similar"; "consisting mostly of"

Avalanche said:
or walking along the seafloor, thus for direct fire, human vessels carried

"thus, for direct fire,"; The sentence would sound better split in two (Antagonists were seemingly disinterested in producing equivalent naval units and instead had their land units tunnelling or walking along the seafloor. Thus, for direct fire, human vessels carried")

Avalanche said:
caused. I assured you, she really means the

Avalanche said:
Setsuna meanwhile at his side closes her eyes for a moment

"Meanwhile, at his side, Setsuna closes" sounds better.

Avalanche said:
"No I think I'll pass thanks."

"No, I think I'll pass, thanks."

Avalanche said:
"So, how are you finding Perth so far Anna?"

"so far, Anna?"

Avalanche said:
all your clearest memories were that of battle.

"those"

Avalanche said:
controlled environment of the Academy, would benefit her.

Avalanche said:
"Well said Cadet Masaya," acknowledges Instructor

"said, Cadet"

Avalanche said:
"Currently in and under this city, a disorganised

"Currently, in"

Avalanche said:
leaving only personal equipment as the means of communication.

This would probably be better as "leaving personal equipment as the only means of communication."

Avalanche said:
sound had dropped in the face of jamming slightly.

"had dropped slightly in the face of jamming."?

Avalanche said:
It couldn't be helped you suppose,

"helped, you suppose,"

Avalanche said:
The Squadron sets off, somewhat raggedly at first, but quickly streamline into

"streamlines"

Avalanche said:
facing against human infantry, small drones

"facing off against" or just "facing" without the "against"

Avalanche said:
drones and scattered units of Tanks

Avalanche said:
hold fire, but keep your weapons extended however as

Avalanche said:
Human forces meanwhile setup under camouflage meshes, presenting blank walls to a wide band of scopes, and scattered

"set up under" (or just "set up")

Avalanche said:
you'd need to broadcast full power scans for you to be sure.

the "for you" is unnecessary.

Avalanche said:
suddenly flares up as the cadets flyover the city

"fly over"

Avalanche said:
be won despite the Instructors warning on the first day?

" Instructors' "

Avalanche said:
As the Squadron comes to a hover and all detectable combat had ceased, the two Instructors fly slightly ahead and spins around to address you all.

"has ceased"

Avalanche said:
to hone the cadets abilities in finding low profile units.

" cadets' "

Avalanche said:
adjusted down relative to the others due to its small numbers, the fact that you were holding back makes it harder

"due to your smaller numbers" and "you are holding back"?

Avalanche said:
The simultaneous thruster wash from so many missiles so close to you instantly blind you

"blinds you" (or "thruster washes")

Avalanche said:
This also happens when you fired your heavy particle projectors at full power, but you were still caught off guard.

"happened"

Avalanche said:
Koujirou waves his sword like a fan, directly his thrusters to clear away

"directing"

Avalanche said:
take back into the sky alongside your

Avalanche said:
off on your earlier, somewhat gratuitous display,

Avalanche said:
Even more so than when he's awake that is."

"awake, that"

Avalanche said:
both with your Impeller Field, and set Setsuna back

the comma is unnecessary unless you replace the "and" with a "then"

Avalanche said:
accusatory looks at Koujirou, who somehow still sleeping.

"who was somehow"

Avalanche said:
as opposed to your rather out of way room,

"out of the way"

Avalanche said:
It is indeed very much smaller than your room and lacked many of the amenities yours had.

maybe replace "room" with "own" (because of the "room" in the previous sentence"); also, "it is" and "lacked"?

Avalanche said:
and both the beds fold up into sofas

"both of the beds" or "both beds"

Avalanche said:
had a drone, recessed into a within a wall,

Avalanche said:
"I agree with Setsuna here Koujirou.

"here, Kojirou"

Avalanche said:
Missiles on back mounted rack.

"on a back"

Avalanche said:
Privately in your head of course.

"in your head, of course."

Avalanche said:
three change into yet an even bigger, even scarier cannon

"yet another, even bigger and scarier" or "into an even bigger"

Avalanche said:
but considering just a few hours ago, she had fired so many missiles at the same time that you couldn't see through the exhaust smoke, so you know better than to judge

"considering that just"

Avalanche said:
"Please let Koujirou continue Setsuna"

"continue, Setsuna"

Avalanche said:
you see Anna's dark Valkyrie Frame hovering at a neutral 10km distant.

"distance of ten kilometers"? "hovering a neutral 10km distant"? (if the "neutral" refers to the distance)

Avalanche said:
apparently untouched by the shot. What the heck did she just do to block that shot?

I think this sounds better without the second "shot".

Avalanche said:
Suddenly, a bright flash of white envelopes Anna's frame-

[Radiation Warning]

Then she was flying in a completely different direction altogether

tense? "is flying" is probably better.

Avalanche said:
around the Academy Arenas filter out exactly?

"out, exactly?"

Avalanche said:
with your predictive targeting software though.

"software, though."

Avalanche said:
You gasps, you vision snapping back into focus in time just to see yourself diving towards the ground.

"back into focus just in time to see"

Avalanche said:
"Well smartass you're clearly fine, so lets hurry and

"Well, smartass, you're"

Avalanche said:
a series of guided cannon rounds to attempt direct hits, then gives up with a huff of disgust as Anna pivots and races out of the round's target cone

"rounds' target cone" since it isn't just one

Avalanche said:
whatever bleeding through splashing against Anna's dynamos

"bleeds through" or "is bleeding through"

Avalanche said:
All three of you fire weapons systems at Anna at once

Avalanche said:
and a hail of plasma and cannon races forward

"rounds"? or "Setsuna throws her weapons at Anna"?

Avalanche said:
wincing slightly as the abused landscape around you

"at"

Avalanche said:
"This is probably as close as I can get Koji! Hurry!"

"get, Koji!" (unless Setsuna is moving Kojirou?)

Avalanche said:
movement with the sheer volume of projectiles.

"volume of fire" would probably be better.

Avalanche said:
You aren't sure how much of the roaring was the sound of the wind being cut and how much was the sound of your blood pounding through your skull.

(unless Kojirou is thinking about this afterwards?)

Avalanche said:
even as red pin points of light appear

"pinpoints"

Avalanche said:
You extend your melee halberd to full extension

This sounds strange. "You fully extend your melee halberd" maybe?

Avalanche said:
You can still do this. She was just barely out of reach, if your right arm could not make the swing, your left will.

"She was just barely out of reach. If you" makes this sound better.

Avalanche said:
The world shakes as distant amusement that threatens to shatter your emptiness.

Avalanche said:
you hear the software grafted onto Kandakara scream as you exceeded every single preset tolerance there were and several that were not.

"as you exceed every single preset tolerance there was"

Avalanche said:
but cannons rounds and a particle beam, this time barely dodged, prevents her from backing off.

Avalanche said:
Thank you Setsuna, Yukari.

"Thank you, Setsuna, Yukari."

Avalanche said:
Your arms shift oddly upon extending for the strike but it was inconsequential. You will get Anna.

"but that is inconsequential"?

Avalanche said:
You simply blink, trying to process what had just happened. Your vision swimming and darkening even more at the edges didn't help.

"doesn't"

Avalanche said:
Another Instructor had joins the one talking with Yukari and the

Avalanche said:
"Koujirou will be fine Valkyrie, but you need

"fine, Valkyrie, but"

Avalanche said:
and holding yourself back from attacking back

This sounds strange. "Stopping yourself from fighting back"?

Avalanche said:
had not been something that you've ever needed to do before and it had not been easy.

Ending the sentence at "before" and continuing with "It had not been easy" sounds better.

AlphaDelta · Jan 22, 2019

A second opinion:

JOJOBRN said:
I don't know whether this is actually wrong or not, but the antonym of "military" is "civilian"

Civil works.

JOJOBRN said:
Nothing wrong here ,but it would sound better as two sentences (With the second one starting at "compared")

I'd start the second one at the second with.

JOJOBRN said:
"it"

Them is referring to the equipment, so it's fine, I think.

JOJOBRN said:
"their Valkyrie frames"? I don't know what to put there.

Them.

JOJOBRN said:
"Anna?" or "Anna,"

Second one fits better.

JOJOBRN · Jan 22, 2019

AlphaDelta said:
Them.

The full sentence is

Avalanche said:
Listening at a distance, it appeared that everyone was excited for the Inter Academy Tournament as Yukari had mentioned on the flight here. The second and third years appeared to want to make the most of today as the simulation rooms are typically booked out by first year classes, especially at the start of semester where first years apparently cannot be trusted to use the outside training grounds.

I think the "the" refers to Valkyrie frames, not to the simulators.

AlphaDelta · Jan 22, 2019

JOJOBRN said:
The full sentence is

I think the "the" refers to Valkyrie frames, not to the simulators.

Yes. s/the/them/.

Dark as Silver · Jan 22, 2019

JOJOBRN said:
I am rereading this for the eight time now. Since I am probably going to do that again later on and dislike errors (and want to annoy Avalanche), I am going to put all of them (tthose that I find and recognize) here. Since english is my third language, I am probably going to be wrong about half of them (and I am not going anywhere near "who" or "whom").

Threadmarks: 2015 Sufficiently Summer winner: User's Choice. Original Post.
"report suggests" or "reports suggest" (or part of a sentence like "[verb]ing the latest report suggest"?)
"analysts suggest" or "analyst suggests"

nothing wrong here, but I think it would sound better without the "troops"
missing a "the"
I don't know whether this is actually wrong or not, but the antonym of "military" is "civilian"
"the twenty thousand or so Valkyries currently in service"
if character is singular, then "character's affection"

Threadmarks: Post 1
These sentences are not wrong, but they would probably sound better if you split them up:

"questions"
"had recommended" or "had been recommending"
"when we met" probably?
"on to", because the "on" belongs to the "to pass [something] on". I am not very good at using this correctly, so I'll ignore all other places where I think this might be wrong.
"of the"?
"girl's"

Threadmarks: Post 2
"Just know that she most likely the best Valkyrie in the entire Academy" Not an error, but doesn't that mean the Valkyrie Core viewers would already know that Anna is really good (combined with the "you have more flight experience than most instructors" from Post 1; I assume both of those would be in the Anime)?
"with black hair" or "black haired"
Nothing wrong here ,but it would sound better as two sentences (With the second one starting at "compared")
"elite Valkyries"
I think this might sound better if you replace the "meant" with "supposed"?

Threadmarks: Post 3
"it"?
"their Valkyrie frames"? I don't know what to put there.
"Your"
"what was going on"
"Anna?" or "Anna,"
"Antagonists, Sandra"

Can you spoiler this long ass post?

Dark as Silver · Jan 22, 2019

JOJOBRN said:
How does that work?

Go to top of your post and write [spoiler] and then go the bottom and write [/spoiler]
Alternately select all the text in the post, using the rich text editor click the button between video and save to create a drop down and then click the option that says spoiler.

JOJOBRN · Jan 22, 2019

Dark as Silver said:
Go to top of your post and write [spoiler] and then go the bottom and write [/spoiler]

Thank you for the help. I'll probably continue tomorrow, then.

Dark as Silver · Jan 22, 2019

My pleasure.

Bugs · Jan 24, 2019

The Sandman said:
We know where Anna's hometown is now, at least: aerosolized over a decent chunk of the Northern Hemisphere.

You're horrible.

FreakOTU · Jan 24, 2019

Bugs said:
You're horrible.

But Funny.

All we really know about Anna's hometown is that it was roughly equidistant from Saskatchewan, Fairbanks and Los Angeles Breaches.

So, basically, smack dab in the middle of Banff National Park, plus or minus 500 kilometres in any cardinal direction.

plotvitalnpc · Jan 24, 2019

FreakOTU said:
But Funny.

All we really know about Anna's hometown is that it was roughly equidistant from Saskatchewan, Fairbanks and Los Angeles Breaches.

So, basically, smack dab in the middle of Banff National Park, plus or minus 500 kilometres in any cardinal direction.

In the grim darkness of the late 21st century, it has been renamed BAMF national park, in the name of Anna.

JOJOBRN · Jan 24, 2019

plotvitalnpc said:
In the grim darkness of the late 21st century, it has been renamed BAMF national park, in the name of Anna.

You're horrible too.

Avalanche · Jan 24, 2019

FreakOTU said:
But Funny.

All we really know about Anna's hometown is that it was roughly equidistant from Saskatchewan, Fairbanks and Los Angeles Breaches.

So, basically, smack dab in the middle of Banff National Park, plus or minus 500 kilometres in any cardinal direction.

>middle of a national park

:facepalm:

Fark.

Yeah well uh, after thinking hard about the subject for the Nth time and regretting not making Anna just come from like, Edmonton or something, I'm just going to wave the old alt timeline stick and say that the town she is from doesn't exit otl at all.

JOJOBRN · Jan 24, 2019

Avalanche said:
>middle of a national park

Fark.

Yeah well uh, after thinking hard about the subject for the Nth time and regretting not making Anna just come from like, Edmonton or something, I'm just going to wave the old alt timeline stick and say that the town she is from doesn't exit otl at all.

Just say it was made Post Impact by survivors, or that Anna moved it to a better position after the Antagonists started attacking.

FreakOTU · Jan 24, 2019

@Avalanche I did say 'plus or minus five hundred kilometres in any direction'; Banff is big, but it's not a circle 1000 km wide. Also, there's the fact that there's an actual honest-to-god City there (Population of 7,847 as of 2016, too).

SynchronizedWritersBlock · Jan 24, 2019

I mean, Canmore is pretty close to Banff too and it would be more reasonable, there's like, industry and farming there.

But since you said Edmonton, I'm going to go ahead and follow a proud Edmontonian tradition and claim anyone famous who's even mentioned in the same sentence as Edmonton as a hometown gal.

FreakOTU · Jan 24, 2019

So, who wants to write the Omake where she's given an Edmonton Oilers Jersey?

Icipall · Jan 24, 2019

FreakOTU said:
So, who wants to write the Omake where she's given an Edmonton Oilers Jersey?

All of those have been destroyed in the war, WOG. Not really.

Battle Action Harem Highschool Side Character Quest (No SV, you are the Waifu)

Atypical Netizen

Atypical Netizen

The Firstiest of First

So Zetta Slowpoke

Once more walking the path of the catgirl.

Atypical Netizen

Don't worry, we can fanfix that!