That was nice @Kaizuki, little rushed in the pacing at places, but nice. Heads will roll in the UN for allowing the AGs to tollol around in 'safe' territory like that.

And Ayy beach episode @Familiar. It was such a nice beach, pity about the craters that will result from the volleyball game :V

YES! SENPAI NOTICED ME! <(^.^<) (>^.^)> <(^.^)>

I won't claim it was perfect, no. But hell, I'm no writer. Acie is literally the fourth serious piece of creative writing I've done in my life. In order, a random worm oneshot on SB, then Vae, Mors, Acie. Under the circumstances, "a little rushed" is a-o-k by me :)... Especially since this was the first non-gimmicky piece, imo.

Nah, they seemed pretty cool actually.



It's been implied that mom was the last person in the village to die.


Anna's probably had hugs before.

But not on screen! NOT ON SCREEN!

... Right?
 
I am going to observe that if someone were to hug Anna at the present point in the story, they will possibly be able to notice the lack of a heartbeat, and almost certainly the lack of breathing.

Also, because I don't know if anyone has noted this before, but I think that we should take care with live fire Wave Force practice, because the detection range on that is, for all intents and purposes, indefinite. As Anna is presently the only Valkyrie to have demonstrated the ability to use WF we should assume that Antags can and will try to back-trace any test shots and then mount an assault against that position or the nearest human arcology.

What the range of detection on our little experiment in the desert was is a mystery presently, but it at the very least exceeds 400km in order for Perth to get decent readings on us.

Just some brief thoughts for consideration.
 
I am going to observe that if someone were to hug Anna at the present point in the story, they will possibly be able to notice the lack of a heartbeat, and almost certainly the lack of breathing.

Also, because I don't know if anyone has noted this before, but I think that we should take care with live fire Wave Force practice, because the detection range on that is, for all intents and purposes, indefinite. As Anna is presently the only Valkyrie to have demonstrated the ability to use WF we should assume that Antags can and will try to back-trace any test shots and then bring free freshmeat to that arcology to feed Anna.

What the range of detection on our little experiment in the desert was is a mystery presently, but it at the very least exceeds 400km in order for Perth to get decent readings on us.

Just some brief thoughts for consideration.

FTFY. Also please note that the closest AGs to Perth are either in Sweden or outer space, unless I'm doing my distances wrong. We damn well better control the Aussie orbitals, so we're as safe as possible basically.
 
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I dislike some parts of the omake and like other parts, so overall I'd say that it was pretty enjoyable. That being said @Kaizuki, I am of the opinion that you are worthy of more than "I liked it" or "I didn't like it" as reviews, so here's a bit of critique to work with going forward.

  • I completely disagree with your justifications for the Bastet/Anna battle, on the grounds that you didn't write a D-Class Type-Zero. In actuality, you wrote a C-Class and handled it incorrectly, with all the problems that brings to the story. You made it too effective to qualify for what you wanted, but by the unintended fact that you were trying to write a D-Class Type-Zero engagement, you didn't write it as the Class-C Type-Zero engagement which it ought to have been.
    • To build on this, I would say that if you ever decided to try handling that again, I would want you to try handling that the way you think a Class-C Type-Zero battle would play out, if the UN were trying to handle it; with the addition of Anna's inclusion greatly changing the dynamic that both the UN and Bastet use to approach the battle. I feel that UN assets, both mundane and Valkyrie, turning it into a battle rather than a duel, would make Anna's victory over a C-Class Type-Zero who's deal seems to be that it has 3 (technically 4, including the split-yourself-in-half one) exotic weapons at the expense of really only seeming to have those exotics as vectors of attack, more believable.
  • You handled PoV shifts very well, and you managed effectively translate some things from one to the other that could have been easy to mess up. Example:
    • TACNET/STRATNET being considered EM Pollution by Anna/Durga makes sense to the readers, since they're utterly useless to her/it, and the note of them increasing was useful to us because it makes sense that when the AGs that run EM Jamming are killed, TACNET/STRATNET would capitalize to better communicate with UN forces. Having them subsequently be more notable in Yukari's sections portrays this well, and the byplay of EM Pollution/UN Communication between the two PoVs was fun for the readers to see as well. A little joke inside the confusion and explosions and other seriousness is in keeping with Avalanche's writing style for the quest itself, so in that moment it really helped you capture a feeling of authenticity to the source.
 
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It had one. Maybe two if you have to count the different uses of it's exotic as separate. But the railguns and lasers? not exotics.
  1. Infinite missiles, bening shot in volleys exceeding its own mass. This is not noted about any other AG in the actual quest or the omake. Ergo, exotic effect.
  2. Electricity thing, which if unique to this AG
  3. Chest thing (not too sure, willing to cede this one)
  4. Splitting-in-half super attack (doesn't matter if it's a "take you with me" move, it's an exotic attack)
@Avalanche said "discard canon, acquire author fiat" if things didn't fit canon, which explains multiple exotics.
 
Infinite missiles, bening shot in volleys exceeding its own mass. This is not noted about any other AG in the actual quest or the omake. Ergo, exotic effect.
Where was "infinite" used? or noted that the volleys exceeded it's own mass?
It was "just" a lot of missiles.

Electricity thing, which if unique to this AG
I'll give you that one. although "unique" doesn't necessarily equal "exotic".

Chest thing (not too sure, willing to cede this one)
Splitting-in-half super attack (doesn't matter if it's a "take you with me" move, it's an exotic attack)
These are the same thing. It was literally just "okay, instead of shooting you with my gun, imma overload it and use it as a bomb".
 
  1. Infinite missiles, bening shot in volleys exceeding its own mass. This is not noted about any other AG in the actual quest or the omake. Ergo, exotic effect.
  2. Electricity thing, which if unique to this AG
  3. Chest thing (not too sure, willing to cede this one)
  4. Splitting-in-half super attack (doesn't matter if it's a "take you with me" move, it's an exotic attack.
It also had stealth. All together it seems built to charge into a valk formation and kill a bunch before anyone knows what's happening. Which makes its behavior perplexing, why didn't it start with its strongest attacks? Why head to space? Did the stealth work better when there's no air?

If Anna was willing to rely on the UN she should have run off once it survived the Wave Force. The Type-Zero had its everything broken, let someone fresh get the last blow. I'm sure someone would make time for it.
 
It also had stealth. All together it seems built to charge into a valk formation and kill a bunch before anyone knows what's happening. Which makes its behavior perplexing, why didn't it start with its strongest attacks? Why head to space? Did the stealth work better when there's no air?

If Anna was willing to rely on the UN she should have run off once it survived the Wave Force. The Type-Zero had its everything broken, let someone fresh get the last blow. I'm sure someone would make time for it.
Stealth working better in space makes sense since even if you are stealthed in atmosphere there's going to be at least some disturbance of the air as you move through it, which can be detected by some sensors.
 
I'm pretty sure the definition of "exotic" is "weapon that uses exotic matter/physics/nonstandardbullshit." Lasers are standard physics. And railguns. And what are more or less supercapacitors running on better science than we've got. As for missiles... *shrugs flippantly* violates square cube, doesn't have infinite. If type zeroes didnt have really fucking strong nonexotic armaments, we'd have shitstomped Sekhmet. That's all this thing is doing. It's basically a scaled-up version of what a type two would look like in canon, built for anti-valk combat (because they're probably not actually flying squirrels, despite how amusing I found portraying them as such to be). It really had garbage for an ability to attack multiple targets at once (three meaningful guns, some lasers and missiles. Compared to Durga, inferior or equivalent multitarget capabilities, and Durga is a Valkyrie frame.) and frankly that makes it a much smaller deal than most Zeroes.

As for the UN actively working with Anna, A) 300 were well and truly tied up; there's no mention in story of whether the UN managed to hold the NA west coast or not, B) they were going to, but after they figured out what was happening, the fight ended before they could. Yukari got there because she went alone, they'd been organizing a few wings to send up but hadn't wanted to send individuals in willy-nilly.

As for space... Uh... I felt the need to justify Anna not going into space when she was trying to get the fight away from where the zero could cause damage with misses. Partly because the electrical weapon wouldn't have functioned up there. There's a deleted scene somewhere in thread where I had them get up there and a fucking Valk Battleship sends the zero running back to atmo with Anna chasing behind. I decided it was less obtrusive to have Anna decide she didn't want to go up there.

It also had stealth. All together it seems built to charge into a valk formation and kill a bunch before anyone knows what's happening. Which makes its behavior perplexing, why didn't it start with its strongest attacks? Why head to space? Did the stealth work better when there's no air?

If Anna was willing to rely on the UN she should have run off once it survived the Wave Force. The Type-Zero had its everything broken, let someone fresh get the last blow. I'm sure someone would make time for it.

Um... Um... Oh! *snaps fingers* laser dispersion. Right. That was the excuse in my head while I wrote this. Tail would've been way stronger without atmo. In hindsight, maybe an incongruous explanation given the electrical thing, but oh well.
 
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BEACH EPISODE!



BEACH EPISODE!



I'll never get tired of drawing Sandra's hair.

BEACH EPISODE!

Hooray for extremely delayed reactions!

In all seriousness though, these have been completed for like a week now. I just kept on forgetting to post them because I took a page from Kaizuki's book and decided to write my biggest omake yet for Crystalwatcher's Magical Girl Quest. ... I'm still not done with that, so I will now proceed to fade back into obscurity, only to reappear upon its completion.

Anybody else going to add to the fan submission combo?
Needs more hair, in all honesty. I don't think you have quite achieved 'using own hair as a cushion' status yet.
 
Needs more hair, in all honesty. I don't think you have quite achieved 'using own hair as a cushion' status yet.

I have brought disgrace to the floof. I must train myself further to absolve this stain on my honor.
 
Thing is, whilst she's taller than average sure, she's not the tallest, just one of the taller first years. Just height doesn't seem enough for the reactions she's getting.
Maybe she's ripped? Fits with Setsuna's "gorilla woman" comments.
Dem perfect abs? That sounds like the kind of thing that would make FauxChan go crazy.
Anna: Do you even lift?* Revealing abs that seem carved*

*Shuri left eye twitches as she stands up and begin taking off her top shirt*

Sandra: Shuri, Stahp what are you doing

*At the backgrounds, girls begin to cheer and wolf whistle*
Anonymous No.002▶No.004
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Anyone who though Anna was another Rei expy has been shown the truth today. She actually escaped from Jojo's and trained under Kenshiro.

Just a reminder that this has to happen during the beach episode.
 
@Kaizuki, I enjoyed the omake! I was wondering, during the discussion about the strength of your Type 0, several times you've mentioned Wave Force being used multiple times against Sekhmet. I didn't notice that detail on my last read through (not that I was looking especially closely for that kind of detail). If it's not too much trouble, could you point me at the relevant passages?
 
Just a reminder that this has to happen during the beach episode.
No, this is what's going to happen

except with Shuri and Anna, and them becoming friends through their scars instead of muscles.

EDIT
Also, looking through the posts before the ones RA quoted, I noticed Guile and UberJJK noting that Durga probably supercharged Anna's growth.
Now, in regards to to that, their arguments make sense. However, in regards to Anna's biology - if Anna considers her digestive tract a waste, and her organs as dead weight, then why didn't Durga get rid of them? Or at the very least not put any effort into improving/growing them from 8-year-old size?
Also, I'm guessing that Anna may look a lot like an AG on the inside, if Durga decided to use the eaten AG parts to improve Anna. Fauxchan's going to go nuts if that's the case.
 
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