It's always a strange feeling when circumstances make ensuring your own survival more a function of tedium than of risk.
Oh, make no mistake, my current form is in no way out of danger. There are a hundred thousand timers on a hundred thousand functions, all requiring alterations of such precision, timing, and synchronicity to avoid critical failure. Every success is but a single step up the mountain, any failure could see me slip into the endless chasm below. The operations required are only further increased by the additional energy strain required to maintain my current level of cognition (and I am NOT going back to being Baby Evie, thank you very much). Still, my condition has officially gone from "hopeless" to "manageable". My improved mental state is able to prioritize and multitask accordingly, and the margins for completion are 'just' wide enough to proceed without accumulating too much stress. Also, the new Major Link to the Tower allows me to offload "complete" sections to be set to self-sustaining, allowing me to have fewer and fewer simultaneous functions that I need to worry about at a time.
The one issue I hadn't anticipated was the dysmorphia starting to kick in. I mean, I know exactly how this form works and how to make it do what I want, but it's still a transition to go from, say, being a seamstress sewing a dress to being a dress trying to sew itself. Clinical operations are now associated with actual sensations (imagine stabbing 'yourself' with a needle), and every once in a while I try to move an influence-appendage that I simply don't have anymore. Granted, Baby Evie didn't have this trouble, but that's because she didn't have any frame of reference of being anything else.
…Baby Evie didn't have a frame of reference for a LOT of things. No real knowledge of past Eras, the Outer Planes, or even the Melange Layer itself. The Nanny was more focused on making sure Baby Evie knew how to properly manipulate soul-workings, in the hopes that as long as she could keep making Lilly "secure", there would be enough time for me to naturally gain my memories and capabilities back, and grow back into my pre-Ethos personality. Which is ironic, considering that the Nanny ended up being more like me, well, Past Evie more than Baby Evie ever ended up being before she became…me… Gah, trying to keep track of so many memory states existing in such short proximity is frustrating.
Of course, this type of discussion is old hat amongst those of us who have "reincarnated" at least once. The former angel who realizes that he had been acting like a twat to everyone he ever met, the demon who tried to argue that his "death" had cancelled all debts he owed but not all debts owed to him, that one poor sod who got eaten by his "servant" memory-clone who everyone ended up preferring over the original. Over the Eras the rules of inheritance and blame had to be hashed out and refined in order to promote some semblance of order and precedence for these situations.
As a purely random example, is the Evie-who-is-now to be held responsible for putting Lilly into a sociopathic Mindstate? On the one hand, allowances can and have been made in the cases where a "tabula rasa" is exploited, so one could argue that Baby Evie was simply following the orders of the Nanny, an intentionally short-lived memory clone. On the other hand, the Nanny was made by Past Evie specifically to nurture and guide Baby Evie in a case of "pre-meditated memory loss", and as all evidence points to the Nanny knowingly and willingly following both the word and intent of her designated purpose, then Past Evie is the true intent behind the plan, with the Nanny acting as her agent. Past Evie became Baby Evie, and Baby Evie became Evie-who-is-now. Evie-who-is-now has both awareness and understanding of Past Evie's motivations and intentions, being the "inheritor-in-full" of Past Evie in a way that Baby Evie was not. Now, there have been cases where a reincarnate effectively "disowns" their past self and is willing to forsake their previously earned titles, belongings, and even knowledge in order to make a clean break. But in this case…no, I'm too much like Past Evie to pretend that the me-who-is-now would never THINK of trying to do something like that.
And yet…I don't think I am quite Past Evie anymore, which is a bit of a surprise. I have now finished what some reincarnates call "a vacation of ignorance", which means that I should be going back to my job of scrambling and back-stabbing to stay alive one more minute at a time while the world burns. But looking back at Past Evie, she just seems so…controlling and fearful and jaded, to the point where she utterly failed to predict Baby Evie's actions. The idea of Baby Evie defying Nanny for the sake of a mortal never even occurred to her. Where did she get it wrong?
Well, for starters, she made the mistake of dropping impressionable Baby Evie into the middle of an Adventure. Oh, yes, meet Lilly, the underdog girl with lots of powers, who's fighting to save her town and her family! And Nanny says that she's the Most Important Girl in the World (I now know Nanny meant that it was important for Lilly to live so I could stay in the Melange Layer, but that was a REALLY poor choice of words). Let's go on a horse ride and fight the evil Wolves and have all the Gravitas you can eat! Oh, but I have to hide from the other humans, because I'm a SECRET friend who helps! We're going to be best friends forever!…Other demons would claim that they would have more cynicism and detachment even as a tabula rasa, and all of them are filthy liars.
The second thing was…let's see…probably Baby Evie learning that love is a choice. Baby Evie had seen Lilly go through the full gambit of emotions on her trip: excitement, fear for her life, relief, fear of exposure, betrayal, confusion, acceptance, wonder. But the most confusing emotions she saw was when Lilly had learned that her mother had kept a big secret from her. Now, Baby Evie had seen something like this before: Lilly trusted Mathew, Mathew betrayed Lilly, so Lilly withdraws all investment in Mathew. Now, Lilly trusted Mom, Mom betrayed Lilly…but while Lilly was mad, she wasn't willing to abandon her emotional investment. There was something deeper, something that was strained but nowhere near broken. Lilly chose to love, even when there seems to be no benefit and when there's a chance it will just open herself up to more hurt. …So, when Baby Evie realized that the Mindstate she was helping to build would NEVER choose to love, it sank in that maaaybe this wasn't something Lilly would actually want.
The third thing, of course, was Baby Evie finding out that there was a solution to this problem…through trickery. There was no way of obviously undoing the construction of the Mindstate without the Nanny noticing, but leaving open the connection to the Locus that wouldn't be noticed until Lilly regained consciousness was much more doable And the fact that this would both help Lilly AND pull a fast one on Nanny who thinks she knows everything? If nothing else of me persists through all my iterations, that compulsion, that addiction for that feeling of cunning will remain a constant.
And that was end of all of Past Evie's plans, as well as the Mindstate. Oh, I still know how to build the blasted thing, but at this point it's completely unviable. For starters, it's a little bit tricky to try and build when the subject is awake, and Lilly probably isn't going to be sleeping when she could be doing something productive (I may need to actually be the one who makes the argument that she needs some rest for her mind's sake if not her body's). Secondly, the Core Heart is now synced up with "Petal", who will probably notice and intervene in the case of significant "personality drift". Finally, and most importantly of all, Aurora has, in her polite but firm way, informed me that Lilly has a rather large part of her attention, and that any attempts to compromise her judgement will be NOTICED. Now, we spirits may joke about Aurora being soft-hearted to the humans and a bit scatter-brained, but everyone knows what happened to spirits that manage to get her undivided attention and ire.
…Which leads me to making a rather crucial decision. Now, the more "honorable" types of spirits would try to formalize this with an Oath, but…that doesn't mesh so well with tricksters like me. Throughout my life I have viewed Oaths more as a game to win, as a challenge to beat, as a chain to give the one holding it a false sense of security before I slip out of it at the last possible moment. I know myself well enough that no matter what words I use, I will always have a temptation to defy the spirit of the Oath in any instance where I view in only as an obstacle getting in my way. So, I will be phrasing this my way.
Until further notice, Lilly is now within the First Circle of Trust. There, I said it. Gosh, I'd be afraid of never living this down if the Maw wasn't going to be the big topic of conversation for the next century.
Now, to a fellow spirit, this is more of a level of entering into a long-term business relationship. We both have more to gain from cooperation than not, so it is in both our best interests to have relatively open discussions, be honest with any concerns or grievances, and keep the other party informed of any glaring gaps in knowledge that would cause them to make fatal errors in judgement. But opening such a level of trust to a mortal is like saying that you would be in a "mutual business relationship" with a farm animal. A farm animal isn't fed and sheltered for its own sake, but because the "harvest" of resources or labor is profitable, usually at the farm animal's expense. You don't tell a bull that his purpose is to make calves and then be lead to the slaughterhouse, both because an informed bull does not usually become a helpful bull, and because if an angry bull manages to corner you, there's a chance it can actually do a bit of damage.
With Lilly, however, there are a few mitigating circumstances. The first is that without Baby Evie's child-like nature giving me the benefit of the doubt, the greatest way to make Lilly feel comfortable with me is to be her source on how the "Spirit World" works. This isn't as great of a concession as one may think, due to every spirit and their cousin trying to get a chance to talk to her. The illusion of sanctity and awe has already been shattered, and it is in my own best interest for Lilly to know what she's dealing with when the next spirit comes calling.
The second is that Lilly's access to multiple Sources and soulworking, as well as her exceptionally high intelligence, make it so that she can actually help with my soul manipulations. Plan: Demigod is now back on, and getting her cooperation will make things easier to implement. Also, I can actually coordinate what alterations she would actually be comfortable making, rather than making an executive decision and hoping she's satisfied with it ([Bedrock] was a huge help in getting her used to the [Core Heart], but mortals can get emotionally attached to all sorts of inefficiencies).
Finally…I just have no desire to "handle" her. Oh, I could give the game a go; lead her to conclusions while making her think it was her idea, parceling out information to act as extra incentives, all the tried and true tricks that prepubescent humans are known to fall for (it's no accident that their Ethos come to them before the rational parts of their brains have fully developed). But doing that to Lilly…it just feels like trying to keep a unnecessary feeling of control when there is no NEED.
Because the nightmare scenario that Past Evie was terrified of has already come to pass, hasn't it? The spirit, the stranger, the new-found pet is injured almost to the point of uselessness, and Lilly finds herself in a position where she can save her family that she cares for above all else if she just stretches out that last little bit of life of a husk that was doomed anyway. And the worst part was that Baby Evie was willing to try doing just that of her own free will. But, no, Lilly told me to stand down and rest, because in her mind I was her friend, and Lilly will move heaven and earth to keep her friends and family safe.
So, here I am, putting myself together, planning out how to explain the secrets of the Spirit World, and hoping Lilly doesn't tick off Flower too much. Well, whatever the future holds, I'll be doing the best to help Lilly get through it alive and mostly well, and I know that she'll do the same for me.
…I wonder if Captain Martin's "ignorance bonus" from the dungeon will actually work, given Lilly's got the Tower. Then again, the Tower might be able to extract more than usual anyway. I wonder if there will be enough material for me to give unsupressing her meta-cognition a shot…