I'm going to preface this with Sky has a migraine, he is not fully functional.
Well, I'm sorry to hear about your migraine - I guess this was probably an odd time to drop any sort hammer. Please do get well soon.
A. Pacing.
From a storytelling perspective, maybe it's slow. I don't think so, but others can think differently. From a realistic perspective, I'm already going so hilariously fast it isn't even funny. Realistically- yes I know, magic botegirls what realism -there should have been a barrage of questions and tests before Thompson got anywhere near getting Stark on a ship. And there should have been even more before Stark sent a message to the CNO and yet more before Hood got involved and...
The point should probably be clear.
Short of doing yet more time skips to cover what would be realistic tests, I'm already straining things to the breaking point just going as fast as I am. It would have been off-screen stuff with Skip or Hood or New York or any other girls. Which then...why are important things like that off-screen? Or making chapters even longer in an effort to cover, well, everything in one chapter. Which then runs into the other issue with pacing, that is cramming too much into one chapter.
Well and good. Without backtracking -since I don't have any intention to back-track at all- if there's one thing to be said in defense of this fic it is that it is constrained by the progress of time in OTL, in which Thompson has only really begun to set off the butterflies of chaos.
(Not that kind of Chaos, guys, the good kind.)
This is the premise for any defense of the story's present pace, and I in fact think it to be a more than adequate reason for the story to have taken the time to grind out the basics.
30 chapters is still an end-to-end touchdown too long in my opinion to have not covered the Japanese, don't get me wrong, but this factor does work in the fic's favor. Perhaps it was remiss of me to not have mentioned that in my review either, but I do think it to be a mitigating factor for sure. I'd also be forced to respectfully disagree on the matter of 'too much happening in one chapter'. I think you're still a fair ways off from bumping into that particular problem.
I did however point to some instances where your existing text lacks a certain economy of words that would otherwise allow you to put much more meaning into less written down - perhaps that might be of some use to you?
B. Character work
The stuff with Enterprise and Halsey or Yorktown or Sara isn't filler. I fully am trying to set up their characters for stuff later. Enterprise is developing into a more carefree girl around Halsey, and trying to emulate him at the same time. Yorktown is a bit cocky and easy to annoy, but she really does care about her little sister. Both of these are very important for when the War starts up.
Enterprise only just now figuring out about Halsey's family is intentional, because as noted, he doesn't consider himself a good father. Why would he talk about his family until something prompts it? And it is important for both of their characters, not window-dressing or rehashing things.
The flashback with Sara and Thompson is both important for character development, and because people have said they find him boring. Well, I'm trying to expand his character a bit. There's an entire subplot in that regard, once the politicking is done. Though Schreiber is going to feature more prominently on that point.
As I mentioned at many points in the long review I wrote, much of mitigating necessary evils comes down to the author's ability to execute narrative beats and draw readers into the development through the artful use of prose and interesting micro-beats in each sub-section of a chapter.
By this I mean descriptive prose, character moments, the construction of individual lines and by-plays. Never once did I say that the whole scene was superfluous; but rather that significant portions of it lent a sense of bloat and blandness that made it harder to get through and feel longer than it had any right to have felt.
In other words, the inconsistent quality of these character sections do a terrible injustice to what you must surely have had in mind for the characters to become, since they devalue the length of time you've spent on the characterization itself and lead to
less instead of
more fleshed out characters in spite of the consumed space and time.
So I can certainly see where
@Space Penguin 's critique that some characters (like Thompson) are just rather droll may come from.
There surely comes an event horizon where no authorial skill can keep the patience of most would break, but keeping it fresh in this regard definitely extends the run-time of your down-times.
Speaking of our German friend, is that why people like his parts? Because it's different?
Well since he's clearly planning to go wreck some face in the name of staging a coup later on...he's definitely something else, alright. It is a move in a different direction on average with the rest of the plot, so I don't think you can really blame people for liking it.
C. Overall plotlines
*Snipped for length, and also because it's a retread of both A and B*
All the same, things are moving towards a head re: Shipgirls in America and Schreiber's preparations to sortie. Not very much longer before both situations blow up.
And I'll be sitting here waiting to watch the explosions, popcorn firmly in hand. For someone with a migraine, you're quite lucid, and that's a good sign.
I do hope that you take our comments in good faith, and that despite our inevitable disagreements on the direction the plot is taking we can work together to make it a better experience for all involved.
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