I'm still really not seeing the supposed trouble with admitting either trauma or grief. Both are acceptable explanations for a lapse in judgement years ago. Reiner Starke doesn't personally care about the reason; if he does, well, what's it to him? If this a to have a coherent answer to outside inquiries about us, well, the Grey Order is certain to frame their answer to show their newest Lady Magister in the best possible light.
Admitting grief is not tantamount to allowing tawdry rumormongering about a salacious affair, it's admitting that we admired and were mentored by Van Hal.
Admitting trauma is not tantamount to having others question our judgement or our fitness to lead or judging us for weakness, it's allowing that we were young and Van Hal died right alongside us and that shook a young journeywoman.
Therefore:
[x] Grief
[x] Trauma