He's a 30 year old Military Nerd soldier who came from France and Idolizes Old American Military Doctorine, I made it clear in the Bio, He's kinda of an OTAKU on Old America.
I understand that, it's just... Something about the combination of writing style and character does not activate me, I have a hard time mentally meshing with and engaging with the piece. It doesn't work for me.
I Just assumed they were stories put into his head by his father, who ran from the burning pile of ash that is america, with a large diaspora when Logan was a but Sprog.
It was kinda a life goal for his father, form an army and kill the Vicks, Reality didn't like that so most of Logan's early life was spent in a Slum outside of Paris, much more luxrious shithole then the hell that is the Midwest post collapse, but with its own set of baggage.
Forgive Logan for being...innocent in reguards to the situation, He's really only been living in the America's since he deserted the French Army at 21. Nine years is not a lifetime of living here.
OK, but I wasn't talking to Logan, I was talking to
you.
Well, what else do you think needs to be added?
1) Close attention to grammar and sentence flow. In particular, you have a tendency to Randomly capitalize words for No Reason. In the English language it is a very important rule of standard written English that only proper nouns and the first word of sentences gets capitalized. While there are valid forms of English-language expression that violate this principle, you can't break the rule until you can reliably follow it- until you're very widely read and have fully assimilated the styles in question.
2) You need to drop some of the corny stuff like "Political parties' nicknames for the organization." Remember that the object of the game is not simply to maximize the amount of information you spill out onto the page. It is to carefully arrange the information you deliver, like flowers in a garden.
3) Related to (2), you need to be very clear when writing the piece
who the audience is. Any given story or document is written from the perspective of a specific person, with a specific audience in mind. Pieces of information that one author will include, another author won't. Information that is relevant and helpful when addressing one audience may be irrelevant to a different audience. If you don't keep close track of this, you risk creating a disorganized and confusing piece of writing.
This is what's happened to your piece. As it stands, it looks like you just infodumped your author's notes, because it's got everything from lists of nicknames to lists of retro-tacticool equipment to admonitions presumably meant
for the recruits in the unit like "You are a Hammer and a Scalpel, you will have the equipment needed to be both, do not panic. "
Is this a report by Mercier to some senior officer, trying to persuade them to approve the program? Is this a table of equipment and organization, a bureaucratic document intended to outline the equipment and capabilities of the special forces unit? Is it addressed to recruits, informing them of what they'll be experiencing in the coming weeks?
There are parts of your omake that align with all three of those goals... but also parts that would undermine all three of those goals. So it sounds like a vague rambling mass of "stuff I, the very conspicuous author who is conspicuously puppeteering Mercier around, have to say about the special forces unit," not a plausible in-universe document.
