I'd disagree that second person is odd to read without the quest format, though it's certainly unusual. I can't comment on "frowned upon"—certainly it gets complaints, but so do POV changes, present tense, non-chronological storytelling, the use of even mildly complex language, etc., and none of those are problematic. Of course, I'm the sort who'd like to read a story written in future tense first person plural, or second person subjunctive past*, so my tastes don't mean much for the general public.
*Second person subjunctive present (future?), of course, is covered by If You Give a Mouse a Cookie.
I've enjoyed the format, and I wholeheartedly approve of taking advantage of format and medium to convey information in nonstandard ways. Encoding meaning in formatting, or using formatting which allows meaning to be conveyed more effectively, is something which I find aesthetically pleasing, in much the same way as good notation or useful neologisms. I think perhaps you underestimate the flexibility of a "regular story" (e.g. have you read Stand on Zanzibar? Not a normal book, but any of the individual techniques it uses could be used in one), or maybe I'm construing the term over-broadly.
That's fair.
I dunno. If you took from me my knowledge—my language and experience—my art and science, my sense of the trivial and beautiful—my little quirks and broad perspectives—if you took all my incidentals and rebuilt around a core, my desire and obsession, to make a creature who sees all the world through the lens of my deepest feelings—I don't think that would be me. Mami, for all her faults, was still a human; a creature of complexity and diverse perspectives—and I am not confident that Candeloro shares enough to identify the two.
Well, for about a millenium, anyway.
City that size, I'd expect quite a bit of light pollution. Even from miles away, a city provides better illumination than a full moon.
She got Madoka?!?
Riposted. (There are plenty of other typos, but this one might be a mistaken belief rather than a mistype, so it's more important.)
I don't think "seemingly kind" needs a hyphen, and "letting" is usually used without a "to"—either replace it with "allowing" or "permitting", or move the "to" inside the parentheses.
Hey now, the witch—and Mami—were better than that. They cooked their food. Charlotte eats hers raw, the savage.
Not much to say about this chapter. It's clear that Candeloro recognizes Tira and Sayaka and has at least some access to Mami's memories (or her barrier does, anyway), but she hasn't done anything beyond recognizing that known images match the people in front of her, which any facial recognition algorithm can do. I'm glad that the pictures are "surreal and blurry", since that's how real memories are.
I think the solution is obvious. Sayaka fancies herself a knight; she can compete in a tournament. You don't even have to worry about seeding, because all the participants are the same.
"If anything" should either have a comma on both sides or have no commas.
This is, what, the third videogame played in our barrier? Better not let it become a habit; Ashtaroth is already too much of a shut-in. (I do like the use of "platform". It's exactly the sort of neologism I like to see—its meaning is clear from context and construction, it serves a useful purpose (I'm sure there's an existing word for it, which e.g. a free runner would know, but it's not common), and it creates no confusion.)
You already know they don't like that. You don't strictly require consent, but you prefer not to override their preferences. Moreover, you're significantly larger and slower than the girls, so if Candeloro sees you as a target you've just made things worse. Also, "I can hide you inside me" is not a long explanation. This is not a good plan.
Missing space.
How much intelligence does that really take? Complex tactics, sure, that would indicate intelligence, but it's just throwing ink at a target. Has the Tira-maid done anything that a 1990's video game AI couldn't?
Things went wrong the moment you embarked on this silly plan.
Mm.
What in this magic system is?
"Renege" specifically means breaking a promise or commitment; we made no promises, so this would simply be changing our mind.
The usual reason is that putting a plan into words makes it more concrete and easier to find holes in. It's much easier to gloss over issues with just a vague idea. Explaining to yourself also gives the other voices in your head a chance to chime in, and they can be surprisingly insightful.I mean, why should one bother explaining their plans to themselves? No real point in that, right?
