all right, your call.
Magical Girl Escalation Taylor (Worm/Nanoha)
- Thread starter Silently Watches
- Start date
Always Late
Lacking in coffee, sleep, and brains
- Location
- Ohio
OK, first reactions:
Now then.
PREPARE THY SELF! For so much red ink and feedback you'd swear you got this from your college professor!
You're not the worst 'first timer' over-enthusiastic omake poster I've seen. But it's in the top five. What you should do in the future, when you come to a mental dead end like this, is to not post it, but to stop. You have your First Draft. Then, you grab someone, IRL or on SV, and have them give you feedback on it. It's preferable that they know english, but an untrained reader does have things for you to hark. This is good for IRL because you can watch their expressions, see where their emotions come up*, and what they are, and where you're doing something that didn't seem right to them. Then, once you have the feedback, you implement it to make Draft Two. After that, you repeat the editing process as necessary before you feel your paper is ready to hit the internet where it will be forever and ever for people to judge you on!
*Speaking of, I was not drawn in, even after the bad English. You're all exposition and one-note setting details, no character.
PREPARE THY SELF! For so much red ink and feedback you'd swear you got this from your college professor!
You have no words after 'and'. You don't even put punctuation before moving onto the next sentence you left half-finished.
The whole 'Missy looking around to establish the scene' is a basic trope to establish the scene, but I'm not expecting the world from you. It's ham-fisted, unsubtle as hell, but not misused.
If you haven't noticed by now, you have a major problem with forgetting commas. Look up the rules for how they get used, and either print out a copy to keep on your desk or bookmark it. Secondly, a timeline is not exactly something people would be unfamiliar with. Take a look at this bunch of stuff google images pulled up. While the graphics are different, the way the information is organized is identical almost to a one.
Why doesn't Taylor know the objective in most of the incidents? You have to explain that.
'virialty' is not a word. You want 'variety'.
This is mostly a word choice edit. Taylor's an educated, intelligent girl with an English teacher mother. At the risk of being called out for using an anecdotal fallacy, having had an English teacher for a mom, Taylor would have a very broad vocabulary and a certain way of speaking.
'Was to' or 'want to'. Pick one, and my recommendation would be 'was'.
You're not the worst 'first timer' over-enthusiastic omake poster I've seen. But it's in the top five. What you should do in the future, when you come to a mental dead end like this, is to not post it, but to stop. You have your First Draft. Then, you grab someone, IRL or on SV, and have them give you feedback on it. It's preferable that they know english, but an untrained reader does have things for you to hark. This is good for IRL because you can watch their expressions, see where their emotions come up*, and what they are, and where you're doing something that didn't seem right to them. Then, once you have the feedback, you implement it to make Draft Two. After that, you repeat the editing process as necessary before you feel your paper is ready to hit the internet where it will be forever and ever for people to judge you on!
*Speaking of, I was not drawn in, even after the bad English. You're all exposition and one-note setting details, no character.
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what makes things worse is that I'm not a first timer. I've contributed successful omake to this quest and others in the past.OK, first reactions:
Now then.
PREPARE THY SELF! For so much red ink and feedback you'd swear you got this from your college professor!
You have no words after 'and'. You don't even put punctuation before moving onto the next sentence you left half-finished.
The whole 'Missy looking around to establish the scene' is a basic trope to establish the scene, but I'm not expecting the world from you. It's ham-fisted, unsubtle as hell, but not misused.
If you haven't noticed by now, you have a major problem with forgetting commas. Look up the rules for how they get used, and either print out a copy to keep on your desk or bookmark it. Secondly, a timeline is not exactly something people would be unfamiliar with. Take a look at this bunch of stuff google images pulled up. While the graphics are different, the way the information is organized is identical almost to a one.
Why doesn't Taylor know the objective in most of the incidents? You have to explain that.
'virialty' is not a word. You want 'variety'.
This is mostly a word choice edit. Taylor's an educated, intelligent girl with an English teacher mother. At the risk of being called out for using an anecdotal fallacy, having had an English teacher for a mom, Taylor would have a very broad vocabulary and a certain way of speaking.
'Was to' or 'want to'. Pick one, and my recommendation would be 'was'.
You're not the worst 'first timer' overenthusiastic omake poster I've seen. But it's in the top five. What you should do in the future, when you come to a mental dead end like this, is to not post it, but to stop. You have your First Draft. Then, you grab someone, IRL or on SV, and have them give you feedback on it. It's preferable that they know english, but an untrained reader does have things for you to hark. This is good for IRL because you can watch their expressions, see where their emotions come up*, and what they are, and where you're doing something that didn't seem right to them. Then, once you have the feedback, you implement it to make Draft Two. After that, you repeat the editing process as necessary before you feel your paper is ready to hit the internet where it will be forever and ever for people to judge you on!
*Speaking of, I was not drawn in, even after the bad English. You're all exposition and one-note setting details, no character.
Always Late
Lacking in coffee, sleep, and brains
- Location
- Ohio
Eh, you're learning. Writing's one of those things where you can read the rules all you want, but the only way to really 'git gud' at it is to keep writing. My English 101 professors used to say that every assignment we did taught us something new to the writer. So I guess this one's is 'don't rush and post unpolished, unfinished work'. Don't be too down on yourself though. Keep at it, keep finding ways to improve your abilities*. One day, you may find yourself writing your own fanfic, running your own quest, or even making original content. And people'll love it. So sleep on the omake, go through the editing process, and when you come back I'm sure we'll be very excited by what you have. You've got time.
*Reading good authors and playing tabletop games with creative GMs are protips I keep coming across.
ya, need to get practice since i've got 7 months of no practice to make up. I've got a good way to go before i can match my older work
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Always Late
Lacking in coffee, sleep, and brains
- Location
- Ohio
... FFS man, that was what you started out with? Sure, there's still the occasional capitalization and comma error, but it's leagues above mine!
Trooper1023
Look, sir! Droids!
- Location
- NYC USA
Always Late can be... a bit abrasive, old friend. Even when he's doing it in good humor.
But don't worry! No matter how mangled the wording, you can always count on me to help fix it up!
Always Late
Lacking in coffee, sleep, and brains
- Location
- Ohio
Remember who I was raised by? English's no laughing matter in my family.
That's no excuse to insult someone, and I am aware my tongue can be quite barbed, so if I was I do apologize.
I'm looking at stuff and Recursion Field is my current next bet, regardless of its immediate combat value. It gates learning Breaker spells and likely other dimensional effects.
If it works on even a quarter of possible targets it'd be gold already.
Noelle has the Lung type core in canon. Not the immune to everything Endbringer model. Mass probably on the scale of structures, not planetary bodies.
If it works on even a quarter of possible targets it'd be gold already.
Noelle has the Lung type core in canon. Not the immune to everything Endbringer model. Mass probably on the scale of structures, not planetary bodies.
Silently Watches
Professional Stalker
- Location
- Right behind you
While I'm willing to give you a point due to length and overall effort, I'm going to be a bit of a snob and ask for it to be cleaned up a little first. Always Late's corrections are definitely a good place to start.
The fixes are going to happen. Just need to finish somethings first today.
Silently Watches
Professional Stalker
- Location
- Right behind you
Vote 4.4
Moratorium 4 of 4. Now that you've had a chance to vote on all the major vote types (battle plans, sub-quests, and new spells), do you want to keep doing these moratoria, or only do them for certain votes, or never do them again? Let me know.
Edit: Here are your choices. Vote for however many of them you want. Any that gets more than 50% of the votes we'll keep doing moratoria for.
[ ] Major story paths
[ ] Sub-quests
[ ] Battle plans
[ ] New spells
Oh, and vote for what spell you want to learn, too. That's kind of important.
Moratorium 4 of 4. Now that you've had a chance to vote on all the major vote types (battle plans, sub-quests, and new spells), do you want to keep doing these moratoria, or only do them for certain votes, or never do them again? Let me know.
Edit: Here are your choices. Vote for however many of them you want. Any that gets more than 50% of the votes we'll keep doing moratoria for.
[ ] Major story paths
[ ] Sub-quests
[ ] Battle plans
[ ] New spells
Oh, and vote for what spell you want to learn, too. That's kind of important.
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[X] moratorium on critical votes only.
[X] Spell: Recursion field
[X] Spell: Recursion field
Always Late
Lacking in coffee, sleep, and brains
- Location
- Ohio
[X]Moratorium for sub-quests votes.
Stuff like where we decided which city to move to. I do think the ability for a QM to say 'hey, sit down and discuss this first' is underutilized, but not necessarily needed all the time.
[X]Spell: Recursion field
Stuff like where we decided which city to move to. I do think the ability for a QM to say 'hey, sit down and discuss this first' is underutilized, but not necessarily needed all the time.
[X]Spell: Recursion field
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VorpalMedia
Inter-Dimensional Techie
- Location
- Wonderland Data Nexus 472b
[X]Moratorium for significant plot-development votes.
[X]Spell: Recursion field
[X]Spell: Recursion field
Silently Watches
Professional Stalker
- Location
- Right behind you
Would you say picking sub-quests are plot-significant, then? So far, I've had yours, "critical votes", and "important votes", and yours is the only one that gives me any insight into what you're considering important.
When a case could be made for any of the three flavors of votes being "important" or "critical", that word loses all meaning.
- Location
- Tarn-Vedra
[X]Moratorium for significant plot-development votes.
[X]Spell: Recursion field.
[X]Spell: Recursion field.
Always Late
Lacking in coffee, sleep, and brains
- Location
- Ohio
I dunno about anyone else, and I encourage other people to give their two cents, but in my personal opinion? Absolutely.
Hmm, I'm partial to holding moratoriums only for important votes. By important, I am thinking of votes where bad choices can lead to setting changes and/or significant injury or death to main characters.
VorpalMedia
Inter-Dimensional Techie
- Location
- Wonderland Data Nexus 472b
Silently Watches
Professional Stalker
- Location
- Right behind you
So you'd be talking about sub-quests and battle plans. Meanwhile it sounds like @Always Late is focused on the sub-quests, and @VorpalMedia voted for Always Late's plan but is using your definition.
You know what? Fuck it. I'm changing the previous post to make it clear just what you can vote for, and any others will be ignored. I'm not going to go through and ask every single person what they mean.
I suppose I am.
Sorry I couldn't be more precise...
Always Late
Lacking in coffee, sleep, and brains
- Location
- Ohio
To preface: I'm not disagreeing with anyone who votes for the moratorium on battle plans. I'm just presenting food for thought.
When you're coming up with a plan to fight something, you don't always have time to debate and plan things out. There's a difference between a plan formed in a conference room, and a plan formed on a battlefield. If you ever want to give us that sense of 'off the top of your head planning', having only a few moments to come up with something, you may want to have a time limit, rather than a moratorium. Something like 'you've got 24 hours', to give an example I've seen a few times before.
Just something to think about.
Silently Watches
Professional Stalker
- Location
- Right behind you
Not your fault. If anything, I should be glad you added enough confusion that I could change the prompt from a write-in vote before so many people chimed in that the bandwagon could never be stopped.Sorry I couldn't be more precise...
I might do that, but it would be very situational.
Then again, there is a possibility for just that happening in this arc, so if I do decide to try that, you'll get to see how it works soon enough.