Hello folks, thank you for all the kind words. I hope you enjoy the new chapter, brought to you with help from @Strypgia who did a wonderful job editing for me.
Beauty and the Beast Chapter 10
Shinji got out his chair with a start, smacking the table with his knee and knocking over his water to splash against the glass surface. Back and forth he watched as his father and grandmother exchanged increasingly aggressive looks. Rei, in contrast, seemed bored, if anything, standing next to the Commander in silence and not responding to Kunohama's scornful watch.
"I see you brought that... thing with you. It was not enough to shame my daughter in life, must you shame her in death," she said.
"It must kill you that in the end, after all your promises, she chose me over you." For the first time in his life, Shinji thought he saw his father smile. The subtle curl of the lip seemed to have a sly cruelty to it.
"She took pity on you and in that pity, you crept in like a weed. You would do well to remember your place, that everything you have is borrowed or stolen. And one day you will get exactly what you deserve." The mask of serenity long held was broken. Shinji took a step back as the woman seemed to froth at his father, her aged hands gripping her cane so hard they shook.
His mouth dry, Shinji turned to his father. The Commander only seemed bemused by the comment. "Did you pull that out of your sticks?" he asked snidely. Before the woman could answer he turned to his son. "Shinji, come. I require you."
Shinji froze, his heart in his throat as for a brief moment. The weight of all the things his father had done, all the things his grandmother had said he did and all the things he didn't do fell on his shoulders. "I..."
Turing her head to look at Shinji, Rei blinked with curiosity. "Shinji?"
Shaking his head Shinji sighed and turned to his grandmother, who was beginning to reconstitute her composure. "Thank you for seeing me but... I have a lot I have to do." Turning and walking towards Rei, he stopped once to look back and gave an awkward bow before joining the First Child by his father's side.
"I am glad we had this chance to talk," Kunohama nodded back at him. "I hope that we can meet again soon. You really do have your mother's spirit." She smiled again at Shinji but he could not look at her for long as he was shuffled into the back of one of the cars by his father.
*
"And I believe that does it." Maya smiled as she dropped a lanyard embroidered with the NERV logo onto the top of the impressive pile of key cards, physical keys, various slips and tags of identification, and a black pager on the table in front of her new intern. "If there is any trouble, I am sure the boys in Resources will give you a call. They didn't give you a hard time, did they?"
Kodama shook her head nervously. She had been doing that throughout the whole tour. Maya could not help but get the impression that the girl was trying her best not to look overwhelmed. "Not really. But they did make me sign at least a dozen non-disclosure forms." She gave a bit of a forced laugh. "Don't worry, I get it. If I post about any of this stuff online some men in black will come and take me away."
Maya blinked. "You might ah... not say that kind of thing here. At least in front of anyone from Section Two, they can be a bit... touchy." Seeing the girls face go white, Maya hastily tried to comfort her. "But I would not worry, I don't think I have seen them ever come down to where we will be working!" Kodama warmed to that but still seemed on edge. There was something there, Maya decided, something always just under the surface. Something that made her a little too defensive, a little too aloof, and a little too quick to panic. 'I hesitate to think of what she is going home to.' Maya shook the thought out of her head and tried to smile return her focus to the brown haired girl "You alright?"
Kodama smiled back before sitting back in her chair and pinching her brow, her red-lined glasses reflecting flickering light of the dozen computers around them. "I'm fine I just..." She gave a bit of a sigh before putting her mask back on. "Its a lot in not a lot of time. Don't get me wrong, I'm more than grateful about..." she looked around and motioned with her hands, "all of this, you have no idea what kind of opportunity this is for me. But I think I need a second to catch my breath."
Maya reached out a hand before stopping, hesitating for a moment for continuing and finally patting Kodama on the hand lightly but affectionately. "Hey, you deserved it. Your numbers were fantastic and you passed all the tests we sent you with flying colors. I know it seems scary now but soon you will be part of the team. I hope you are ready to help save the world."
Kodama smiled again, but this time there seemed to be more genuine, or perhaps, Maya admitted, she saw what she wanted. "I really should thank you. When you said that you guys were looking for someone I didn't think..."
"That's..." Maya cut Kodama off and gave a slightly awkward expression it was her turn to try and not look overwhelmed. "That is something else I would not mention... if you would."
"Oh." Kodama's eyes went wide for a moment as the wave of realization hit her followed by an uncomfortable silence. "I suppose I should ask," she said after a moment, in a voice that pleaded to change the subject, "when I will get my uniform?"
Maya laughed, the air clearing. "Oh, that. Well, I assume that Resources asked for your size. It might take a while to get to you, though. Unless its critical, Requisitions moves at a snail's pace."
"I only ask because..." Kodama flushed. "I might need to get adjusted a smidge before I can wear it. I know that I am a bit... er, wide in some places. "
Maya tried to bite her tongue as she fought to keep composure, her face flushing regardless. "I... didn't notice."
*
Shinji felt the rush and pull of the car barreling down the street after street, the tinted glass of the windows casting a shadow over the city. All of his thoughts, dreams, and fears seemed to blur in Shinji's mind as he tried to deal with all that had happened to him today. He had run from Touji and then encountered his grandmother and now... Shinji laid his head in his hands as he felt the rush of the car around him as well as the cold stare of his father.
"Shinji..." His father spoke after a moment, a tinge of hesitation in his voice. "I would like you to tell me what... that woman and you talked about."
Something within Shinji snapped. On top of everything else, on top of the tests and the bracelet and Rei he had the gall for this? Looking his father dead in the eye Shinji felt ten years of resentment bubble up in him, clenching his fists to try and stop himself from shaking. "You didn't hear?" Shinji asked in almost mock disbelief. "I thought you had me all monitored." Shinji raised his wrist to show off the band on his wrist.
His father did not seem to react at all, simply hardening his stare and keeping silent. Looking over, Shinji saw Rei look at him intently, a puzzled look on her face as she seemed to examine him.
Looking at Rei made Shinji sigh, his rage withering impotently, replaced by deep-welling loss and frustration. There was always a resemblance to his mother there. At least from the hazy fragments he remembered, and the photos Mari had that he valued more than gold. But the pictures of his mother his grandmother had shown him, especially those of his mother as a child. It was like a mirror. "We talked... we mostly talked about mother."
Shinji looked surprised as he saw his father's expression fade at his words. Was this the man who manipulated his mother and then killed her? Shinji shook his head, crocodile tears prove nothing.
"I see," his father spoke at last, his tone a forced calm. "She was a great woman, Shinji. I loved her dearly."
"Did you?" The words were out of Shinji's mouth before he could think, the anger rising in his chest again.
Shinji felt his father stare at him, a hot sharpness in his eyes that seemed tinged with pain. "Yes. I did," he said firmly, "And I would take anything your grandmother said with a great deal of skepticism." Gendo leaned forward and looked Shinji in the eyes. "Loss can make monsters of us all."
Shinji flinched, was father admitting guilt? Swallowing deep, Shinji felt an ache in his throat but tried to push it down. He did not want to cry in front of his father. Still, the question he asked himself over and over "Why? Why leave me? Why never call or reach out?"
Gendo breathed out slowly "None of us are the people we want to be. When I sent you away I was under suspicion for murder. I wasn't... I could not be the father you needed. As time went on it became easier and easier to ignore it. There are things that we have to forget, to stay sane."
"Like me..." Shinji grit his teeth, his eyes drifting to the girl sitting beside his father. "And then when you learned you needed me it was still easier to make her then call me back."
Shinji tried not feel some satisfaction when he saw the impact his words had. Making his father sit back, his eyes full of fear for the first time. "Rei is..."
"I know what Rei is. I'm not an idiot," Shinji continued, his voice getting harsher as it caught in his throat "She's my replacement. That's all she is." He tried not to shout but failed. "You made her... in some fucking test tube because you could bear to look me!" Shinji seethed as he stared at his father, the man's features sagging for a moment. In the corner of his eye, he saw Rei, her expression wilting. God dammit, Shinji didn't mean to hurt Rei but he could not take back what he said. Not now, not in front of his father.
"I cannot demand your respect but I do expect your obedience. And that means Piloting when you are needed and a certain level of... discretion when it comes to some matters. Regarding your mother..." Gendo stopped for a moment, seemingly searching for an answer. "We may speak of her again later. When the time is right."
His father did not move but Shinji noticed that Rei tilted her head in recognition. Rei Ayanami, do you know thyself? Shinji opened his mouth but found himself spent. The strength his anger had given him fading replacing itself with pain. He had asked and been answered and left too weak to ask again. "Understood." He resigned himself to silence, closing his eyes and letting his head rest in his hands, staying that way until they arrived at the Geofront.
*
Maya sighed as Kodama left the room, flopping onto the desk in front of her with a huff. 'I should get a pickaxe if I want to keep digging myself deeper.' Kodama was a good girl, nice smart and hard working. The only thing that could be said about her was that she could be a bit standoffish. Something Maya knew well. She was also quite pretty, something Maya had given up pretending she didn't notice. Still, the logical, reasonable part of Maya's brain condemned the whole affair. NERV seemed to be far more lax concerning nepotism then most. One of their Pilots was the Commander's son, after all. But she could not bring herself to justify this blatant act of favoritism. The truth was that despite her expertise in solving complex technical problems sometimes human beings stumped her. When she looked at Kodama she was not sure what she saw, what was there, and what she would like to see. And then there was how any of this related to Miss Akagi and... Maya let her head fall back on the papers with a thump.
"She seems nice." Maya looked up to see her fellow bridge crewmate Shigeru Aoba leaning back in a swivel chair at a station two down from Maya, smiling like a jackal.
"Don't," Maya said, returning her head to its pillow of a stack of requisition forms. "Or do... I don't care." She said with as much flippancy as she could muster.
Aoba laughed and scooted his chair down to meet her. "That bad huh? Well, she does seem nice though, if a bit young. I never took you for the schoolgirl type, Ibuki." He chuckled again.
Maya sat up and sighed at her co-worker indignantly "It's not like that. I just see a lot of myself in her. Things were rough for me when I was that age, I would have given anything for a chance to escape. Is that really so bad?"
"The fact she is cute as a button is only a side benefit?" Aoba teased laughing to himself before seeing the worry on his friends face. "Hey, come on. It's okay. You worry way too much about this stuff. She passed all the tests we gave her so it's not like you let in a moron. And as for the other thing..." Aoba cleared his throat his voice going serious. "I think you worry too much about that too. I'm not saying its perfect, but it's twenty-fifteen. I doubt that anything will happen if you... are more open about some things." He chuckled again. "I mean fuck, Makinami is as out as you can be and they gave her a whole division of NERV."
Maya sighed. "It's not that. Not really. I guess I am just afraid that I will be put in a box."
Aoba raised an eyebrow. "A box?"
The girl shook her head. "I don't know." She looked at her friend. "I'm really smart. I don't like to say that but I am. I would not have been top of my class or have been accepted as Doctor Akagi's assistant if that were not the case." Maya took a breath, pushing the thoughts of how her mentor related to any of this out of her mind. "I'm kind... when I can be." Maya took a moment to think. "I love spicy food. I'm allergic to cats. I have all of Asimov's works in hardcover over my bed... though I don't have much time to read them anymore, given everything. I spent two years in Germany training for this position and I think I have been down here too long because I am starting to prefer our shitty instant coffee to the high-end stuff they sell at cafes." Maya took a deep breath Aoba merely raised an eyebrow. "The point is. I'm afraid... I know that if I talk about that side of me then that will be all I will be to some people. And I want to be more than that."
Aoba slumped in his chair. "I am sorry about that. If it means anything you are a lot more than that to me."
Maya smiled. "I'm glad, Shigeru, you're my friend."
The man smiled back and ran his hands through his long hair. "Yes, to me you will always be the dork who brought a pink bunny pillow to work."
Maya had to keep herself from throwing something at Aoba's head but could not help but laugh. Sometimes that was enough.
*
Shinji sighed as he sat spread out on the couch of the apartment flicking through channels on the TV endlessly like songs on his music player. Absently, he was waiting for Mari's return but the shock of the day's events was still far too strong in Shinji's mind to even consider sleep. And so he continued to click on the remote until the shows in front of him merged into a blur.
"Live from Tokyo-3... Extra strength Mr. Sparkle!... You love me? What about her?...Go, dragon force!...Downtown is recovering...powerful new Oxy core!... I thought you were my friend?...Its too big we gotta morph!... No comments by Nerv on when the next...revolutionize the way you clean...I didn't want to hurt you...Mega beam attack!...Residents are concerned... But wait there's more!...I'm sorry...Shinji, come. I require you."
Shinji shook his head and blinked before opening them to see his guardian standing over him. "Shinji, did you hear me? I said I'm here."
"Ah, sorry." Shinji sat up and tried to regain his composure. On top of everything else he did not want Mari to worry. "Thanks, I took out some food from the freezer I hope you don't..." Shinji stopped as his guardian leaned forward to wrap him in a hug.
"I came as soon as I could. I'm so glad you're alright. I'm sorry could not sooner. Your father..." Mari stopped for a moment to think, giving Shinji one more squeeze before breaking the embrace and sitting on the couch beside Shinji, her focus gaze elsewhere. "Your father and I had a lot to discuss about what happened."
Shinji turned toward his guardian for a moment, examining the curve of her face. "I'm fine," he said with a bit of a forced shrug. "Grandmother was fine, if a bit weird. We just talked, that's all."
"About?" Mari's gave returned, her eyes sharp as they studied him.
Shinji opened his mouth to speak but then stopped. His first instinct was to tell Mari everything, about his family and SEELE and the destiny his grandmother had promised him. But like when he spoke to his father something in him held back. Ever since he became a Pilot Shinji had known little privacy outside the inches inside his own head. He was observed, tested, trained, and monitored. And it had only gotten worse since he had arrived and revealed himself. This was something, something real that he could have that they didn't know. One small inch of his life that was left unexamined. "We just talked about Mum," Shinji forced out. Matching his words up with what he told his father.
Mari gave him a queer look but nodded, sighing to herself. "I'm not sure what she would tell you. From what Yui spoke to me about her parents, their relationship seemed... strained at best. Not cold but, I don't think they really understood Yui. But then again, who of us did?" Mari smiled in a sad way and patted Shinji on the shoulder. "Shinji, there is something I want to tell you."
Shinji blinked. "What?"
"What happened today... from now on I want to be careful. There are people out there that would very interested in getting their hands on you." Mari's hand moved from Shinji's shoulder to his chest poking lightly. "For here and for what you know and for what you mean. And I want you to be safe."
Shinji shrugged again, rolling his shoulders. "You're being over-dramatic," Shinji dismissed. "Father has that army of Section Two goons watching me, I can heal from anything they throw at me, and..." Shinji blushed a bit, he hated bragging, "I've been training for years on how to fight and survive. I'm fine."
Mari laughed to herself for a moment as she got up. "Yes, but given the opportunity would you use that?" Mari sighed. "You're a kind person, Shinji, and that makes me afraid because this isn't a kind world we live in. All I can say is if something happens again like today, and you are unsure or afraid, I want you to know you should do anything you have to save yourself."
It was a heavy thought. Could he? He had spent no want of time with teachers and trainers, in simulation and review. But that was for the enemy... the Angels. If he had to, could he turn it on another person? Potentially kill them? Shinji felt himself form a fist, imagining being as angry as he was with his father today again. "I don't know. I'll try my best," Shinji said coldly as he got up and headed towards his room. "I think I will go to bed. Its been a long day."
Mari nodded behind him. "Sleep well. If you're not up to it in the morning, I can tell the school you're not coming."
Shinji kept walking but stopped before turning the corner out of sight of Mari. Not turning to face his guardian he sighed. "Did mum love my father?"
Mari was silent for a good while, a tension slicking the air. "Yes. As much as there times that I wished otherwise. The only person she loved more than him was you."
*
Rei sat at the edge of her bed, unable to sleep. The wounds from the test were healing well and yet there was something inside her, a sharp splinter of irritation that would not let her rest. Today had been... unlike any other she could recall. The Commander had summoned her to be with him when he picked up his son. Her presence apparently providing some utility but in what regard she was uncertain. Shinji... the Commander had asked her to inform him of his motions but to also... ingrain herself within his life. Rei did not understand the reasoning, nor did she understand to how best accomplish this task and yet... In the brief time that Rei had known Shinji, she could say with some assurance that she enjoyed his company, despite his frequent hesitation and confusion towards her. It seemed to her as if he was trying in some small way to be kind to her. Well... until today.
Rei got up, the knot in her stomach growing. Perhaps some fresh air would help? Slipping on her uniform she had hung up she made her way through the darkened apartment. Her feet bumping on scattered debris and boxes on the floor. Rei did not understand the need to enforce a strict order and cleanliness that many seemed to possess. Everything she had was given, and everything she was given served a purpose. Walking outside, her bare feet pressing against the cold concrete, Rei breathed. The neighborhood in which she resided was nearly empty and abandoned. Only a handful of lights dotted the apartment buildings around her. And so when she looked up at the large moon hanging in the sky, it was its light she felt.
Absence. Rei had never felt this before, a deep, welling emptiness in her chest. Her life as far as she could remember had always been as it was. There was no other context, no alternative perspective. She could not want for she did not know what else could be until... Shinji. Staring up at the moon and the stars above her Rei felt a wetness on her cheek. Moving a hand a wipe it away, Rei found that she was crying. 'I am that I am, but I do not want to be.'
Feeling the growing chill of the night breeze on her skin Rei nodded to herself before returning inside to her bed, to dream of moons and stars and the blackness between them.
