Chapter 41
Half of an unfamiliar ceiling drifted in front of Asuka's face, her mind straining as it tried to grow accustomed the shadow on her right side. It was not something she expected to get used to any time soon but the warmth of her boyfriend's touch on her cheek made it bearable for the time being.
"I still can't believe you did that."
Shinji's voice was soft from the other side of the bed, seemingly reading her mind as she stared up from her place on his stomach to look above her.
"I had to leave a bit of myself behind as a connection," she shrugged, pretending it wasn't affecting her as much as it was. She reached up and traced a finger over her new black leather patch. "If I still wanted to pilot."
"That's what I mean. You didn't have to... I could have done it for you, you know."
Asuka shrugged again and pouted. "I am not going to stop piloting, Shinji. I Just... I am doing it for myself now, not because of some big dumb plan for me. Besides. I don't think I could handle sitting on the sidelines and watching."
"I guess..."
"Besides, you need me. What was all that you said before? There is so much out there, SEELE, Stern... can't believe that guy turned out to be anything... your dad and Rits, probably the government too... its too much to shoulder alone, S2 engine or not."
"Not to mention Kaworu," Shinji said sadly. "He spent a month out here while I was in Valkyrie and he didn't make a move. That either means he is serious about abiding by the deal or confident enough it doesn't matter." Shinji flinched, hating to admit his own weakness. "I just... don't know what to do."
"I told you, I have some ideas. I just..."
The two froze as they heard the door to the apartment slide open, forcing them to both scramble off the bed and grab the clothing they had shed earlier.
Asuka gulped as she threw her hoodie over her shoulders, hoping their words had not caused the devil to so soon appear. Luck was with them. Instead, another voice no less familiar to Asuka wafted through the apartment uncertainly.
"Uh, Asuka? Shinji? They said you guys were here... the door was unlocked."
Rebecca.
Asuka felt tears fall down half her face and the floor move from under her before she felt her feet touch the ground, rushing out of Shinji's room towards the entrance to the apartment where her sister stood before her, a mess of blonde hair unkemptly fallen over her face.
"I'm really... I should not have come in. I just..." The blonde yelped as Asuka wrapped two arms around her, pulling her in close before nestling her face into her shoulder.
"I am so sorry!" Asuka cried and hugged more, feeling her sister finally respond in kind. "I am so, so sorry..."
Now Rebecca was crying too as the siblings joined together. A bond that was never quite there before was now forming in an instant in the dim light of the doorway.
"I'm just... I am really glad you're back. I missed you."
"You did?" Asuka swallowed, she didn't think she was the kind of person who deserved to be missed.
"Of course," Rebecca nodded before wiping her eyes with the end of her sweater's sleeve. "You're my family, aren't you? I... I don't have a lot of that left to lose..."
"Oh Rebecca," Asuka broke the hug and looked her sister in the face, brushing aside a strand of hair from her brow. "I wasn't the friend you needed me to be, let alone the sister. If you'll have me... I'd like to start again."
Rebecca went silent for a moment, clearly apprehensive at the thought of being hurt again before giving in. "Of course I would... I just.. don't really know what that means."
"I think that's something you will both have to figure out for yourselves."
The two turned their heads to see Shinji putting on his shoes and jacket next to the door.
Asuka reached out a hand. "You don't need to..."
"Nah, it's okay. I think I want to get some air. Besides you two should have some privacy to talk. I am sure you have a lot to talk about."
"Thanks, but... I need to do this, too." Rebecca broke her hug with Asuka and got up to smile at Shinji and grabbed him in a big hug. "Thanks for saving my sister."
Asuka laughed as she watched her boyfriend's face light up in a blush from the sudden hug it was good to know despite everything, despite the power that burned under the boy's skin, he could still be flustered so easily. "I... ah... anytime." He smiled and let go, inching towards the door.
"Where are you going?" Asuka asked absently as the front door hissed open.
"Town, I guess. Maybe get something to eat..." he gave a half hearted smile and left them. A somber silence quickly replaced his presence.
"So..." Asuka looked her sister over, not sure what to say. 'How do you find something you threw away?' "How have you and Misato been?"
"Busy," Rebecca said quickly. "She's mostly been working, so I have had to learn how to cook a bit by myself." She smiled. "Maybe I can make something for you and Shinji sometime?"
Asuka nodded. "That would be nice." She looked her sister over, eyes focusing on her disheveled hair. "You want some help with that?"
At that Rebecca blushed and stared down at her scuffed shoes. "Sorry! Its just... really easy to fall behind when you stop... I haven't had much reason other than Rei, so..." The girl trailed off and grabbed her bag from the stoop, pulling out a worn-looking hair brush. "You don't have to..."
"I want to." Asuka smiled and sat down on the couch, patting the spot next to her, doing her best to be as welcoming as she could be to not scare off the poor girl prematurely.
"Okay then..." The blonde girl nodded and walked over to the couch, giving Asuka the brush and sitting with her back turned to her sister. "Just.... be careful, okay?"
Asuka nodded and slowly started her work, biting her lip as she dragged the brush through the thicker knots in her sisters mane, a slow half remembered song rising up to her lips after a moment. "When I was... in that thing. With or without Shinji... it gave me a lot of time to reflect..."
Rebecca's body went tense. "Asuka... I know you had a lot on your plate. I have always known that. Dad always knew that."
"So did you... and dad." Asuka sighed. 'How do you put meaning into something you thought was meaningless?' "I don't what the line was..." There were tears in her eye now, her vision now misty as she hugged her sister from behind. "I don't know what was me and what was the world, I just know... from now on... the only way any of us are gonna get through this is if we stay together."
'How do you pick up the pieces of something you didn't know you needed, and make it function again?'
"Let's just... start small, okay?" Rebecca said the words slowly as if standing up for herself was a dangerous endeavour. "One thing at a time."
Asuka wiped her tears away and nodded, chuckling despite herself at the change in position. "Whatever you say, Rebecca."
*
Nothing.
That was what Shinji felt the moment he stepped out of the apartment; a dry, hollow nothing that leaked into all the edges he hadn't realized Asuka's company had occupied. The warm embrace that let him ignore the gnawing absence of his guardian from his life. Breathing shakily he put one foot in front of the other, feeling marginally better as he started to move, the momentum giving some shadow of purpose. So he kept going, walking and walking and climbing, not stopping until he was back on the surface, hot asphalt grinding into the soles of his shoes.
It must all made sense on a rational level he could not see. If Mari were here right now no doubt she could slowly explain it all to him but she wasn't and... she wasn't. Shinji sighed and turned a corner and walked into a Ramen shop the same one if he was not mistaken he and Mari had taken Kaworu to when he arrived.
'She's gone and he's an asshole. More noodles for me.'
He shambled over to the counter and picked something from the menu to start before burying his head in his hands, letting the quiet murmur of the shop become his world for a moment.
"You mind if I have a seat here?"
Shinji turned and saw his father grab one of the stools next to him.
"I mean, I can't stop you," Shinji sighed and drank from the cold glass of water in front of him. He looked away from his dad and over to the adjoined kitchen where half a dozen staff slaved over hot woks.
"I think we both know that's not true," Gendo nodded sagely. "If you really wanted I have no doubt you could rip apart me and everyone else at this place without a second thought but... you aren't so... you've got that for you."
"What do you want?" Shinji huffed and looked away waiting absently on the edamame to come out.
"Can't a father talk to his son?" There was a hint of humour at that as Gendo took his seat, his eyes quickly flicking over the menu.
Shinji bristled at his tone but didn't argue with the content. He did want... no need to talk with his dad about what he had missed. "I guess not."
The server came round and Shinji ordered a dark ramen with garlic and sesame seeds, his father preferring something a big spicier with a hot red dish dashed with chili flakes.
"I am surprised you know about any of this," Gendo commented, breaking his chopsticks and rubbing them together with practiced ease. "I thought the Europeans had gotten to you."
"Compared to piloting an Eva, chopsticks are not... that hard." Shinji blushed and fidgeted with his pair, feeling very self conscious as his father's eyes rested on him.
"I suppose so..."
"So... Mari... she's really gone, isn't she?" Shinji could not look his father in the eye as he asked.
"What are you going to do?" Gendo gave a tired shrug, clearly hurt but unable to vocalize it. "She was going for a long time now. This just... pushed her over the edge."
The comment felt like a knife in the gut, everything Shinji didn't want to hear. "I... I didn't..."
"No, you didn't." His voice was like a cold knife in Shinji's stomach. "But we both know what it feels like when your reason for living disappears. You were Mari's. It's not difficult to see how it might have affected her."
"I just wish we had a better last conversation. I said I loved her and called her mom but..."
"Mom? Hmm," Gendo sneered a bit at the word. "Though perhaps I can see how one can take on a role."
"Especially when it is neglected."
It was the Commander's turn to look uncomfortable. "Indeed."
The two were silent for a moment, letting the staff buzz around them, eventually giving them their meals with a quiet word, all very aware from the presence of Section Two agents in the doorway they were to be left alone as much as possible.
"So you did it."
Shinji nodded, no need for his father to specify what he meant "I sure did. I just... in the end I just needed to talk to her." He smiled despite himself.
"Hmm..." His father grunted before slurping down a mouthful of hot noodles. "I wish it was always so easy. I also wish that you didn't have to involve your grandmother. But I am glad... that it worked out though. What you did was certainly impressive."
Shinji was not sure his father's approval was something he really wanted, the weight feeling odd on his shoulders. "I did what I had to do. The rest is keeping her safe... no matter what." His last words were icy, the meaning obvious between the two of them.
"I understand the motivation. And of course I will do everything in my power to protect the girl from... whatever forces might array against her. Provided of course... you can remain silent on the exact nature of our conversation prior to your absorption into Valkyrie."
Shinji grit his teeth, his fathers callousness shocking even now. "If you touch her, I will..."
"Yes, yes I know. I would do the same thing." Gendo picked at his red bowl, eating a bit of pork as the red liquid stained his lips. "You are my son, after all."
Shinji ate his own ramen slowly, struggling a bit with his chopsticks as he tried to think on all of this before giving up and sighing heavily into the broth. 'I have to tell Asuka as soon as possible, I can't stand to let this become another lie.' "Is this... what adulthood is like? Just... constantly threatening to kill each other over.... whatever?"
"Among people like us... yes," Gendo shrugged again. "The world is a dangerous place. Its why Mari made you the way you are, so that you could survive it."
"She really loved me... and Mum too, didn't she?" Shinji sighed, letting his forehead smack against the bowl.
"She did. Your mother... she inspired that kind of reaction, it seemed. But... Yes. Mari was unique. I don't know how exactly your mother felt about her in return. In truth its not something I care to think about, but I know there was enough love there that when it came time I had no reservations against sending you to her, to do what I could not."
Shinji thought about the young woman he saw in the scrolls again, the nervousness in her eyes, and wondered what others saw when they looked at Yui. "Thank you for that at least," Shinji nodded. "My life... it hasn't been perfect but I can't imagine it being any better without all the things I have done and seen and all the people I have met. The world is so big and full of everything, it's..." Shinji looked over at his father. "Its worth protecting dad."
"I should be getting back to work." Gendo Ikari wiped his mouth off with a napkin and got up. "I expect you and Soryu will want to move in together, now that you are... attached. I will send some staff to help with the transition."
"Thanks... I guess."
*
It took a while for Asuka to find the boy. Apparently in her absence he had grown fond of wandering, not unlike another cute idiot she knew. This time it took him to the edge of a large lake on the outskirts of town, now filled with much detritus and rubble from one battle or another, jagged bits of metal and chunks of concrete hiding just below the water line.
It was peaceful and still, the only sound the soft whistle of wind through grass and the melodic hum of the boy in question as he sat on top of a rock near the edge of the shoreline.
It was a song Asuka half recognized. "You played that for me while I was... sleeping." Her words made him jump, nearly falling from his perch as he scrambled down to meet her.
"Asuka!" he squawked and gave an awkward smile as he got closer, clearly weighing up whether or not to embrace her in a hug before throwing caution to the wind and wrapping his arms around her. "I heard, but I didn't believe that... you're back."
"Thank Shinji for that," Asuka smiled and hugged him back. "He got me out. Not that I didn't appreciate your little concerts for me."
"I... I will make sure to do so." Kaworu gulped and nestled his head into the girl's shoulder, his voice shaky.
"Kaworu... while we were together in there, Shinji told... or rather, he showed me everything. I got a glimpse right into his soul." Asuka held the boy tight, her voice going cold. "I know, Kaworu."
There was silence as she felt Tabris take a single breath, his body humming to itself, making the air crackle and burn around the two of them. "You do?"
"I do, and you know what that means?" She finally broke the hug and stood back, looking the boy over, seeing her silver cross necklace draped around his neck shining in the fading light. "You won."
"What?" Tabris took a step back, cold water lapping at his heel.
"He told me all about it, whether he wanted to or not, that forfeited the deal you two had. Its over, Tabris. You won."
A waterfall of emotions fell across Kaworu's face, joy, success pride then fear, sadness and finally despair. "I... is this some sort of trick?"
"No. Please trust me, Tabris, after everything that has been done to me the last thing I would ever do to you is lie. You won, this world is yours to do with as you see fit, if you want to march into Terminal Dogma right now and end it all..." Asuka gave a sad smile in the low light. "I won't stop you."
"I can do it, you know..." His voice was hoarse and cold as his fingers clenched against his palm in anger. "I can really do it, I can end all this stupid, pointless misery. I can be the god I was always... always meant to be..."
"Or you can not." Asuka took a step forward, scaring the Angel into taking a step back and then another, dunking one foot and then another into the cold water. "You can be whoever you want to be, Tabris. You can be a god, you can be a messiah... or you can be yourself. Whatever that means."
"I... I... I..." Tabris breathed hard, the world was shaking now and so was he. "I... I'm so sorry. Please don't hate me." Kaworu stumbled off his feet, dirty water rising to his knees as he threw himself down before Asuka.
" Shhhh... I don't hate you Kaworu. I promise I don't hate you." She knelt and joined him, Kaworu's now soaking wet eyes pressed against her chest as he cried. "I could never hate you."
"I choose you, I choose this Earth and everyone in it." Kaworu sobbed.
"Thank you. I knew you could do it." She ran a hand through his silver hair before planting a kiss on his forehead. "Get up, we have so much to do."
Kaworu rose to his feet eyes still sore and red in a all too human way "How did you know?"
"I didn't. I had to trust that you would do the right thing," Asuka smiled. "It's the same choice someone gave to me, because... you and I are much the same Kaworu." She reached down and held his hands in her own. "We were both made to be something, but that doesn't mean that is what we are or what we have to be."
Kaworu wiped his eyes and smiled. "I like the sound of that. I just... don't know where to go from here?"
"How about a dance?" Asuka offered her hand. "You and I never really got to finish our first one."
"That seems..." Kaworu took it, squeezing gently, "like a wonderful place to start."
The two took a step, and then another, Asuka blushing as the Angel took the lead, pulling them over the lip of the lake, a small glittering AT field following their feet the only thing stopping them from falling into the water below.
He twirled and she dipped and the world waited for them. They laughed and held each other close, small kisses interrupting each movement until they were at the center of the lake, lips pressed against each other in passion as they rode through feelings long reserved.
"I think I love you, Asuka," Kaworu smiled and held her close, the sun fallen behind them.
"And I think I... wait did you just feel that." Asuka gulped and wiped something off her cheek before looking up, seeing a winter wind blow the first snowflakes the land had seen in years down upon the two of them. "Kaworu..."
"The world needs to change, there is a lot of things to fix but... that's not the same as an ending."
"To everything there is a season..."
"Our time is coming, Asuka, I know it is."
"I know it is too, but we have a long way to go and a lot of things to do before we get there," Asuka nodded and pressed her head against his chest. "Speaking of.."
Kaworu smiled and kissed her forehead again. "You lead and I'll follow."
*
Commander Gendo Ikari dragged his fingers along his desk, nails scratching slight but visible lines down one end of the old black wood to the other. He had cancelled one appointment earlier and was cancelling another now as he tried to organize his mind into a shape that could in any way be considered useful.
'Yui.'
It's what he drifted back to, even after all these years. He could still feel her absence as sharp as the day she left him, any subliminal attempt to heal the wound heresy to contemplate. And yet...
Here he was, closer to reuniting with his lost love than he ever had been, the methods laid bare and tested. Shinji and Rei, their communion would be his salvation. If nothing else his son's adventure with the German girl proved it could be done. And with Mari gone... he just had to wait for the right moment and strike... then why... 'Why do I feel so lost?'
He traced his finger along the edge of the desk again, working their way to the small wooden box on the edge of the table, prodding at the thing with a red stained hand. A gift... not the first, but perhaps the last...
A sharp electronic beep from the underside of his desk made Gendo blink at attention.
"Doctor Akagi is here to see you."
His secretary was to the point as ever, learning long ago there was little Gendo liked less than wasting his time. "Send her in."
There was a pause and Gendo tried to pull himself up to his full height, pushing what he could beneath the surface as the blonde doctor strode across the runes in the floor.
"You wanted to see me?"
Gendo blinked, his tired eyes layering the memory of Naoko on top of Ritsuko in the dim light of his office. "I, um..." He looked away for a moment, hoping to dispel the specter leering over him. "These past few weeks we haven't had much time to..." He thought of the month previous, the chaos and despair throughout the Geofront that followed his son's disappearance and the head of Technical's sudden death. "You really... we could not have continued without the hard work of you and your team Doctor and for that," he looked down at the box, inching it forward slightly on the desk towards the woman standing over him. "I think some kind of recognition is in order."
With some trepidation Ritsuko moved forward and took the wooden box from the top of the desk, examining its features for a moment before opening it carefully. "You really shouldn't have, I... we were just doing our... jobs." The Doctor stopped for a moment as she looked inside the box, a smile creeping onto her face as she took out the gift. It was a lighter, gold plated, with the silhouette of a cat on one side in silver.
Gendo watched Ritsuko play with it for a moment, flicking it open and striking the trigger, quickly adding a natural glow to the otherwise dark room before putting it away somewhere deep inside her white coat. "Do you like it?" the Commander asked eventually.
"It's nice," Ristuko said slowly, measuring her words as a slow blush drifted across her face. "I am not sure its the type of habit that should be encouraged, though, with all of the late Makinami's persecution I was close to quitting for good."
"Life is... too short I think to resort to self-denial of bad habits." He tried to smile back, something almost playful passing between their eyes.
"I don't know how busy you are, but... would you like to have a dinner or something?" Ritsuko Akagi held her chest, feeling the lighter in her pocket.
"I already ate, but... yes," Gendo spoke, feeling Kozo's disappointment already as he spoke without barely any hesitation. "That would be nice."
"My place, then, around eight?" Ristuko mused.
"Only if you can convince your pet not to use my sleeping face for its bed," Gendo huffed, trying to ignore the happiness he felt flutter in his chest.
"I don't know..." Rits chuckled. "That is its nature."
'And this is mine...'
Gendo let the smile fade from his face, pulling himself back to his usual misery. "Until then... Doctor."
Ristuko gulped feeling the mood shift around her. "Ah, yes... until then." Without another word she turned and left, leaving Gendo to himself.
The Commander blinked again, for a moment thinking the whole encounter a daydream until he saw the box on his desk was gone.
'Dreams within dreams within dreams, but when will I wake up?'
*
The tinge of anxiety that ran up Shinji's spine as the Geofront elevator rattled around him was almost comforting in the afterglow. It was a reminder that some part of Shinji no matter how small was still human and reacted like one. The boy reached forward and traced a finger along the cold steel doors, thinking over his conversation with his father. Cold war. It wasn't something he was happy about, but after everything he had done, everything he and Asuka had gone through to come back and be... together, he wasn't going to risk anything for at least a moment. He deserved that at least, didn't he?
He sighed and closed his eyes, fragments of scenes and images from the scrolls flashing in front of him, their drama lacking any information or context beyond the raw impact they carried. There were more than a few... worlds? Shinji lacked the vocabulary to properly think about it, unsure what he saw was real what was fantasy and what was possibility. In any case he had seen many flashes of Asuka and himself or his opposite, linked romantically together in one way or another.
Beyond that commonality however the results of their pairing ranged wildly. Some looked like happy, content, and understanding relationships. Others... ended with his hands around her throat. He shook his head grateful for the slow descent of the elevator giving him a moment to think. The slow click and buzz as the display flipped over from one floor to another washing over him.
He loved her, that he knew for certain, but what that meant he was far less sure. Was their love destined to be from the beginning? Were they simply one of many such cases were they were assigned to each other? The thought didn't sit well with Shinji even if it meant they would end up together. Better he supposed it was their choice, and their responsibility to get it right.
The doors of the elevator hissed open and with it Shinji's eyes, something running up his spine as he realized he could count the steps back to her in his mind, back to her warm embrace and soft skin. Placing one foot in front of the other he tried to put the scrolls and their contents out of his mind, wise enough to know how easy it would be to spend the rest of his life wondering what if, and cursing himself for every misstep.
Half a breath before the precipice something caught in his throat, a familiar figure singing in his mind before the door even opens.
"Asuka..."
The door slid open and he saw Asuka sitting at the table waiting for him. Opposite her, Kaworu sat, his eyes blazing like setting suns.
"Come here, Shinji." Asuka beckoned, her voice a forced calm. "We... have a lot to talk about."
