Chapter 40
'It's warm.'
That was Shinji's first thought as he drifted into the morass of the world inside Valkyrie's core. Unlike the Scrolls which had carried a cold, sharp vacuum to them, this place was alive and personal in a way he did not expect. It had a quiet pulse Shinji recognized as a slow, sleeping heartbeat.
It took only a moment for Shinji to reform himself into something human-shaped, repeated experience being the best teacher in these strange states of unreality. Looking out, he saw strange floating islands dotting the horizon, some looking oddly familiar.
He swam or flew or something else to the nearest island, dread growing inside him as he recognized the towering brickwork of the institution in front of him: the hospital they kept Kyoko after she... fell where his mother seemed to fly.
He took a step onto the edges of the place. The memoryscape adapted to his presence as he got closer.
"Asuka?"
Shinji surged forward as he saw a girl with bright red hair step inside the building through its towering front doors. He tried to catch up with her, but failed as the memory pulled him back to a safe distance each time he made progress.
"No, Asuka, don't... you don't have to..."
He could not help but try to convince the girl, knowing what was coming as she ran through the halls of the hospital, its walls twisting and vaulting above her head until she came to the fateful door, stepping inside with a faint click.
Shinji got closer, placing a hand over the knob, expecting to hear a scream, or a cry, or something from the other side. But only silence followed.
Pulling the door open, Shinji saw Asuka was gone, as was Kyoko. Instead a raggedy-looking doll hung from the noose attached to the ceiling fan.
"What the...? Where are..."
If there was any trace of Asuka's mother in the core Shinji could not feel it. The absence and its meaning frightened him.
"Asuka? I... you let me in here. Can we talk or something? I..."
"Go away! That's what I want! I want you to go away!"
The scene morphed and switched to a different point in time, a bit later than Kyoko's death, to a event Shinji had heard about many times since. Asuka was shouting at a blonde woman with short shoulder-length hair clutching a red doll.
"Rebecca's mom." Shinji gulped as he watched Asuka rage at her, he had only seen her a few times in passing but each one stood out in his mind as he watched the exchange.
"Asuka, please, I am trying my best to be good to you and Rebeccca I just..."
"I don't want your gifts or your hugs or your kind little words! I don't want you to be my new mom! I just want you to go away!" little Asuka shouted, stamping her foot on the polished floor.
Shinji tore his eyes from the scene, looking up at the ceiling, trying to appeal to some part of Asuka, some part that could hear him. "You want me to go? But I just got here... and you let me in? What do you want?" Shinji cried, begging fate his friend could hear him.
"You have to do this, Asuka."
Shinji blinked and the scene was different, now years later in some training room in Germany. Asuka was hooked up to half a dozen machines, all beeping and reporting on her vitals as she jogged on a treadmill, her breath ragged after a long bout.
"Come on, please, I... I don't know how much more I have.... in me," the girl wheezed, her face glistening with sweat as she put one foot in front of the other, looking up at the control room full of NERV staff, as well as Misato overseeing it all.
"You're Asuka Langley Soryu, aren't you? An Eva pilot? You can do this! Just keep going. They need all the baselines we can get for synchronization." Misato's words were harsh but encouraging from the speakers, clearly sparking something something in the young girl that made her keep going for a few more minutes until...
Tripping on her own feet, Asuka lost her balance on the machine, smacking her head on the treadmill's moving path before falling off completely, taking many wires and sensors with her.
"Asuka!" Misato gave a shout, running from the control room down to the training level, kneeling down and cradling the girl in her arms, letting out a sigh of relief when she saw it wasn't serious.
"Can I... Please stop now?" Asuka said between heavy breaths.
"I... of course you..." Misato looked at the girl then back at the NERV agents behind her who shook their heads. "I... you can... take a break, how about that? Five minutes for them to set all this back up again then you can keep going. Show us what you can really do."
Asuka looked like she was on the verge of tears but swallowed it down. "Sure..." she nodded, wiping a bit of blood from her nose and getting up. "I can do this... I can do anything."
"Okay, okay I get it." Shinji sighed, running a tired hand through his hair. "You want to show me how bad it was, how... what led you to being like this." He grit his teeth. "I am sorry I wasn't there for you with this like I should I have..."
"You a pilot?"
Shinji turned and saw himself, a bit younger and scrawnier, standing opposite Asuka, who was now wearing her plugsuit.
"Uh, yeah," His younger self answered, "Mari said..."
"Oh well, if Mari said." Asuka rolled her eyes. "You do know what this means don't you? You're not my friend anymore, you're my co-pilot or... my rival. You better get damn good damn quick if you think you can beat me!"
"Asuka, I would never want to beat you. I just want to help you," Young Shinji pleaded, "I just want to be a hero like my mom."
At that Asuka ground her teeth and went silent. Her fists balled at her side as she took in his words.
"Asuka?" He reached out a hand and it got slapped away.
"Didn't you hear what I said!?" Asuka barked. "Get away from me! Ugh!"
Before either of them knew it she struck, kicking him sharply in the forehead and knocking him back on his behind.
"Okay, okay I get it." Shinji sighed, frustrated as he spoke to the void. "Your life was hard and I didn't... I couldn't help you in the way you needed it. They pushed you into being like this, like..." Shinji waved his hands, "All of this. But there were other parts too, right? You had good moments too. Right?" Shinji was desperate now. "Asuka, I treasure some of my moments with you. Let me... let me help you remember."
Shinji opened himself up, pulling out a memory from long ago. It was warm and hazy; Shinji, Asuka, and Rebecca crammed into the back of a small car heading home after a trip to the beach with Langley. All three of them were too tired to talk much. Instead they collapsed in the back, Shinji in the center and the two sisters asleep on his shoulders, all three of them blanketed in the warm golden glow of the sunset flowing in through the car windows.
The memory started purely from Shinji, a projection of what he could picture taking form around him, soon enough however the picture became a harmony, Asuka contributing more and more to the scene until Shinji could once again feel the thrum of the car beneath him, the heat of the day slowly waning and feeling of Asuka, too tired to complain, nestled against his shoulder.
Shinji closed his eyes, savoring the feeling as he felt Asuka's presence join him again, her absence so much more painful than he realized. "Asuka..."
When he opened his eyes it was cold, his feet crunching against freshly fallen snow. He smiled, knowing exactly where he was before he even looked around. Our little escapes, our world away... Shinji walked through the cold woods, catching glimpses of the occasional backyard here and there as he stepped over fallen branches and thick curled tree roots. He knew where he was going and took his time getting there, stopping at the edge of the makeshift fort and knocking on one of the panels.
"Can I come in?"
From out of a mess of blankets and plywood emerged the red head of a tiny Asuka who looked at him skeptically "NO!" She shook her head "You're too big and old! Big people can't be trusted!"
"I'm not that big," Shinji blinked, looking himself over. "And I'm not that old, either." He chuckled, thinking about how much life he had lived in the short time he had done it. "I guess in some ways I am..."
"See? You admit it! Now go away!"
"Okay, okay, I wont come in... I don't think there's any room in there for me anyway." Shinji looked inside the shack, spying piles of cookies and chessboard missing half its pieces. "But... if there is another you around... my size... can you tell her I want to talk?"
The little Asuka rubbed at her chin and thought for a moment "Hmm. I guess, but she doesn't come around that often anymore. She says its too painful."
"I can wait." Shinji gave a sad smile and took a seat at the base of a nearby tree, shivering a bit as his skin met snow. "As long as it takes."
And so Shinji did, leaning his head against the old hanging birch behind him and breathing slowly, the air cold enough to see his breath. He wasn't sure how long he waited, it could have been minutes or hours or days. The winter air and low grey light had a timeless quality to it in this memory.
"Hey, idiot..."
Shinji looked up and behind him fast enough to fall into the snow as he twisted himself around. "Ah damn it... hey, Asuka."
The girl was much the same as he remembered her; short red hair down to her shoulders, a grey hoodie, and black jeans. She laughed as he desperately tried to pick himself up in the least embarrassing way he could. "How have you been, Shinji?"
"Pretty terrible, if I am honest. The world out there... it turns out its a lot scarier without you there with me." Shinji gave a sad sigh. "Thanks for letting me in here."
"I wanted to say goodbye to you," Asuka explained, getting closer and closer. "And, well... do this one more time." Before Shinji could say anything she was on him, planting a heavy kiss upon his lips.
Shinji kissed back, feeling a tear run down his cheek as he kissed her hungrily, as if he could save her just with this.
Breaking the kiss, Asuka sighed. "See, that wasn't so hard, was it?" She shook her head. "Could have done that years ago. Should have."
"I... I'm sorry, Asuka." Shinji blinked, the taste of her still on his lips.
"For what?" There was a hint of anger now.
Shinji shrugged. "For a lot of things. For keeping so much from you, for being afraid to commit to anything, to... just being an idiot, I guess." He shook his head. "I... are you sure you won't... that I can't convince you to come out with me?"
At that Asuka sighed heavily. "Shinji, what's the point? In here, out there, it's all the same. I am a weapon and I have been since I was old enough to stand. I was made to fight and kill and then die. At least here...," her voice cracked, "I can have some peace between fights. I can sleep and dream and listen to the music Kaworu plays for me..."
The sad violin echoed around them, followed by Shinji's yelling at the boy which made him wince. 'So she did hear all that...' "I... come on, Asuka. It's not like that. There's more to life than fighting. I know its been rough and I know its been hard but... you have options?"
Asuka shook her head. "Stop trying to save me, Shinji. There is nothing to save... I don't deserve anything better than this..." There was a flash and Shinji saw a memory of Asuka attacking Rebecca in grief and rage. "If I come out I am just going to hurt people."
"I can take getting hurt," Shinji admitted, remembering how he took the attacks from Valkyrie as it ran out of power. "Trust me."
"So this is just about you, then? Just about you coming in like the big hero and saving me?"
"I am not..." Shinji grit his teeth. "I'm not trying to 'save you', Asuka, I am trying to tell you that you can save yourself... if you try."
"And then what!?" Asuka fumed, the world shaking. "We come out, I am your cute little girlfriend, and then we are back on the wheel five minutes later? Back to being nothing but weapons to be used and thrown away?
"It wont be like that! I promise! I will stand up to Mari and my dad and Misato and anyone else we have to! It can change! it can be better, I promise! Please, just trust me," Shinji begged, feeling the girl he loved falling from reach.
"How can I trust you? You lie and you lie and you lie and then apologize after you get caught! You're just like everyone else, Shinji, just like my mom and dad and everyone else! Now if you're done lying, just... get out of my head."
"Fine..." Shinji sighed. "If you want me to leave I will, but just... one thing. If you want to know I am not lying, I have a way..." Shinji concentrated and opened up his AT-Field as far as he was able without falling apart, sending a cascading wave of feelings, emotions, and memories to fall over Asuka like a shimmering aura.
"I... wow," Asuka blinked, letting the wave flow over her as she got an unfiltered look into Shinji's soul. "You really... for me?"
"Its only fair..." Shinji gulped as he watched Asuka absorb it all. "I kind of got a good look at you, so..."
"Kaworu..."
The name made something in Shinjis chest wrench. "He's an Angel?" Asuka asked.
"Yes." Shinji admitted, knowing this was coming as soon as he opened himself up.
"And you and him..."
"Yes."
"You... you really love him too, don't you?"
"I... I do." Shinji admitted to Asuka and himself. "He hurt me so much, but part of me still..."
"I love him too," Asuka's memories flooded back to meet Shinji's, showing Asuka and Kaworu dancing on the patio of the conference, fighting together and apart, of kissing in the alleyway.
"I don't know what to... he wants to..."
"Its okay, Shinji." Shinji felt arms around him pulling him close. "I have some ideas..."
"Wait, does that mean..."
"You catch on quicker than before," Asuka gave a amused laugh and kissed his forehead. "Yeah... you convinced me. I'm coming out."
The dreamscape started to melt away, the two of them blending in harmony as they rode up to the surface.
"You know, you felt really at home in there," Asuka remarked.
"I am, ugh... kind of used to weird visons at this point. Yours at least felt familiar," Shinji chuckled. The world swirled around him.
"It should, you were in all the best ones," Asuka said earnestly for the first time in a long time. "Oh and for the record, idiot... I love you too."
*
"Come on, I promise it's fine."
"But Doctor Akagi might... oh damn it who cares?" Maya kissed Kodama eagerly, giggling as the two cuddled up. They were supposed to be watching the screens on night duty but there were only so many hours of that before eyes and hands started to wander.
Besides, Kodama being forward made Maya feel good, like she was back in high school living out a fantasy she never got to do in reality. She kissed the younger woman hard, various screens bathing the two in a cool glow until one screen turned red and started blinking at increasing volume.
"Maya... Maya.... Maya!"
"What?" Maya pouted, feeling the moment pass as she started buttoning up her jacket.
"Look! Valkyrie is..."
"Holy shit!" Maya squeaked. "I need to go get Akagi and Misato and... everyone!"
*
Shinji blinked, realizing he was back in what could favourably called reality snuggled up to Asuka in the Entry Plug of Valkyrie/Unit-02. The second thing he realized was that neither of them had any clothes on at all.
"Aaah!" Shinji flailed, not sure where to go in the cramped space of the Entry Plug. "I just, we just-! Wait, what happened to your eye, Asuka?"
The redhead was gritting her teeth, one eye clenched shut and leaking tears of blood down her cheek. "When I became... when I went into the core I pushed my... whatever was left of my mum out. If I want to pilot this thing again I needed to... leave something of myself behind to connect to."
"And you left your eye?" Shinji reached out tentatively but stopped, not sure what he could do.
"Its a symbolic thing, It means that...." the girl was interrupted by the hiss of hydraulics and the buzz of electronics as the plug slowly ejected from the shining titan. The door clanked open with a strain of effort.
"Asuka... Shinji... are you in there?"
It was Maya's voice, one that stirred something in Shinji. They really had made it, hadn't they? Grinning, he opened the door on his side and climbed out, splashing LCL over the metal grating as he did so. "You have no idea how glad I am to see you! ...Ah, hey, Dr. Akagi, Misato." He blushed as he realized how naked he was but focused on giving Asuka the help she needed, pulling her out after him.
After a bit of furious blushing on all sides the Pilots accepted some heavy towels to cover themselves and wipe off the LCL clinging to their skin. Still though, the embarrassment was nothing compared to the sense of accomplishment Shinji had as he looked at the waiting crowd. "I did it... I told you I could..." He blinked looking at Dr. Akagi. "Asuka... her eye."
"I can see that. Come on, we'll take her to the medical wing immediately."
Shinji and Asuka looked at each other one more time, blushing a bit despite it all.
"I'm really back," The girl smiled.
"I knew you would. I just... had to ask," Shinji smiled back, his whole body buzzing.
The crowd parted for Asuka before the girl turned back around and gave Shinji a quick hug before going with the doctor.
"Where..." Shinji blinked looking through the increasing group assembled on the platform next to the Entry Plug. "Where's Mari? I have so much I need to tell her."
At that Maya squeaked and stepped aside to let Misato stand in front. Her face was heavy. "Shinji..." A hand went to his shoulder and squeezed. "You have been gone for a month in there. Doctor Makinami is... she's dead."
