Beauty and the Beast [NGE]
- Location
- North Carolina, USA
Hey, got through the first part of the Touji interlude and I do like how noir-y it is. The way things are pensive and then boil over sharply, with the fight and with Nomura finding the gun...it's an excellent rhythm.
Speaking of Nomura, what was your inspiration there? Just thinking about the wider implications of the setting?
Also, wanna highlight a few moments that really stood out to me, for how much they conveyed in relatively few words.
Speaking of Nomura, what was your inspiration there? Just thinking about the wider implications of the setting?
Also, wanna highlight a few moments that really stood out to me, for how much they conveyed in relatively few words.
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- Location
- North Carolina, USA
(Continued in this post sorry, screwed up and posted the first part early)
This is a cute interaction, you really excel at that sort of thing.
Ouch man, that hits really hard.
This is a cute interaction, you really excel at that sort of thing.
Nomura being a nice guy but having that incensed moment makes him feel more three-dimensional.
Ouch man, that hits really hard.
- Location
- Canada
I think I was working backwards from what the chapter needed until I got something that was satisfying to read. The chapter is largely about Touji clashing internally over his father and the expectations of society on one hand and his own morality on the other. Given all the themes of toxic masculinity and abusive behavior towards women I wanted a character who while not perfect provided a better example and specifically chose to save people rather than take revenge.
Its a nice reminder that even tho hes a side character, Touji has experienced and touched the strange and other worldly in a way almost no one else on earth has.
It's really hard to throw away years and years of built up expectations and feelings, even if on some level you know its wrong.
- Location
- North Carolina, USA
Part 2 of Touji's story! Man, this was gargantuan but I made it through. And damn. There's so much to talk about here. I don't wanna ramble a lot so I will try to be succinct.
The Chiyo stuff was really cute and you made her feel...lived in as a person and I like how she put Touji on the spot. Honestly, just every aspect of the conflicted emotions he's dealing with felt very true and stuck in me like pins.
Use of The Godfather playing in the theater when he finds her? Also clever. Very good timing and not just with the "You can act like a man" line.
The shoot-out was chaotic but I suppose that's how it should be, they would feel that way to people not used to them.
Also, just want to add that this is my favorite single/single-ish line from the chapter.
The Chiyo stuff was really cute and you made her feel...lived in as a person and I like how she put Touji on the spot. Honestly, just every aspect of the conflicted emotions he's dealing with felt very true and stuck in me like pins.
Use of The Godfather playing in the theater when he finds her? Also clever. Very good timing and not just with the "You can act like a man" line.
The shoot-out was chaotic but I suppose that's how it should be, they would feel that way to people not used to them.
Also, just want to add that this is my favorite single/single-ish line from the chapter.
I honestly wish the main villain through all of this was Fuyutsuki and that his stint with early Project Eva instilled in him some mafioso vernacular, not because he is among the oldest individuals in the roster and therefore sort of looks the part of a Don, but because a full mustache and a glower would really perturb the more Young Turks types, know what I mean?
I jumped back to the post to find what you were referencing and just realized that if Hikari is still in class prez mode, she is probably going to track Touji down within a day or two just by his
Now I imagine her showing up to pull him back to life by the ear all the way back to Tokyo-3 so they can fix him again, possibly interrupting Shinji and Kaworu's big final battle thing because they're in her way.
More Asuka:
Asuka: "I CAN BE GIRLY LOOK AT HOW GIRLY I AM! LOOK DAMNIT!"
Kaworu: "I am looking."
Rebecca: "GIVE ME BACK MY SKIRT!"
Asuka: "So anyway I was in this sword fight with some cyborg girl…"
Shinji: "Why are your thighs bigger than Kaworu's torso in this?"
Kaworu: "Also why aren't you wearing pants?"
Asuka: "Artistic license!"
Asuka: "I CAN BE GIRLY LOOK AT HOW GIRLY I AM! LOOK DAMNIT!"
Kaworu: "I am looking."
Rebecca: "GIVE ME BACK MY SKIRT!"
Asuka: "So anyway I was in this sword fight with some cyborg girl…"
Shinji: "Why are your thighs bigger than Kaworu's torso in this?"
Kaworu: "Also why aren't you wearing pants?"
Asuka: "Artistic license!"
- Location
- Canada
Wow great stuff, the last one is so dynamic. Also the idea of BNB Asuka blushing at showing her feminine side is very cute.
Asuka "Just so we're clear I didn't do this for you!"
Kaworu "I mean I'm the only one here so I am not sure who else you did it for."
Asuka "Shut up and compliment me idiot!"
Kaworu "I don't know how I am supposed to do both at... okay your very pretty but... also strong and deadly... like a puma.... covered in flowers?"
Asuka hugs him "your lucky your cute."
Asuka "Just so we're clear I didn't do this for you!"
Kaworu "I mean I'm the only one here so I am not sure who else you did it for."
Asuka "Shut up and compliment me idiot!"
Kaworu "I don't know how I am supposed to do both at... okay your very pretty but... also strong and deadly... like a puma.... covered in flowers?"
Asuka hugs him "your lucky your cute."
grommile
nasty-minded old cynic
- Location
- NERV-Mercia
- Pronouns
- Traditional/Animate
To be fair, kaworu's torso isn't very big
- Location
- Canada
Hey guys, making steady progress, as I said I am doing a longer in depth remake of the last chapter pre Touji this time split into three POV, one from each side of the main trio first one up is Shinji, and here is a preview of how his chapter starts.
Other than that I am slowly beginning to work on looking over the old chapters and transferring them onto A3O. Spread out the audience a bit maybe get some more interest. Otherwise I hope everyone is doing good and thank you for sticking around.
Other than that I am slowly beginning to work on looking over the old chapters and transferring them onto A3O. Spread out the audience a bit maybe get some more interest. Otherwise I hope everyone is doing good and thank you for sticking around.
Fuyutsuki could really be a wonderful villain, given his quiet hatred of Gendo, because of the conspiracy and Yui, to a greater extent, of course. He may well have betrayed his former student at certain stages of the SCENARIO. I have an idea for fan fiction 3.0 lying around somewhere, where instead of morally destroying Shinji, the cunning grandfather makes a deal with him: Shinji turns nonsense with Lilith and spears in a different way, abandoning his father with his manipulations and getting Unit 01 for the new Fuyutsuki scenario, and Kozo in turn pulls out Rei's soul from 01 and resurrects the girl.
PS: another argument in favor of the Goat's villainy is voiced by one man with a Gargoyle from "Nadia: the Mystery of Blue Water".
More AI kicking, have a Mana and Asuka
Clothes are cool, but why do AI always do weird things with swords?More AI kicking, have a Mana and Asuka
grommile
nasty-minded old cynic
- Location
- NERV-Mercia
- Pronouns
- Traditional/Animate
Same fundamental reason that they blend hair into spaghetti straps or give people seven fingers.
It's basically generating a random pattern of static and taking the input of what you put in and comparing that static pattern to what images it associates with what prompting you gave to create an image. It hasn't got any edge detection or vision system to tell where edges should be or what the position of things relative to others things should n the image are.
More like a grid, almost like playing Battleship.
If the inputs are read too strongly the result is like a captcha challenge, little in detail and cropped beyond what machines are supposed to tell apart. So, without question AI is a hard sell. Like a pathfinding sprite in previous gen games, it ignores what both the grid and user fed input is telling it, and then somehow gets confident enough about a false positive and assumes the deed is done.
To date, most of the output is still pretty rough and could certainly use someone with image editing or illustration proficiency going in and painting over the mistakes.
edit: It's my understanding OP just hit a birthday milestone over the weekend, which means time to link some pics!
Did somebody say 'angel food cake'?
alas… got a pen instead of Pen Pen!
If the inputs are read too strongly the result is like a captcha challenge, little in detail and cropped beyond what machines are supposed to tell apart. So, without question AI is a hard sell. Like a pathfinding sprite in previous gen games, it ignores what both the grid and user fed input is telling it, and then somehow gets confident enough about a false positive and assumes the deed is done.
To date, most of the output is still pretty rough and could certainly use someone with image editing or illustration proficiency going in and painting over the mistakes.
edit: It's my understanding OP just hit a birthday milestone over the weekend, which means time to link some pics!
Did somebody say 'angel food cake'?
alas… got a pen instead of Pen Pen!
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- Location
- Canada
Thanks guys. Sorry for the delay, chapter was supposed to come out by the end of January but for personal reasons (good ones this time I promise!) I just didn't have the free time I thought I would have. Chapter is currently like 95 percent done will finish it and do some edits asap.
Chapter 43
- Location
- Canada
Chapter 43: Shinji
The first time Shinji had lost himself and found his way back it had been a strange and disorienting experience his consciousness painfully pulled from a hazy dream or strange vision into the clear reality of the morning. It was frightening and more than a little painful, but the duality was clear, the delineation between real and not, dream and not, desire and reality.
That clarity was lessened this time, as Shinji slowly exited the core, reforming his body from the Adamite flesh of the Eva one bone, one vein, one muscle at a time until he could again be said to inhabit the world. The sour tinge of LCL in the air hitting his nose, the light of the floating displays, the quiet hum of the machine around him slowly coming to life as it sensed his presence. It was all how he expected it, but it was not as definitive as he would have liked, this reality feeling barely more real than the dreams he walked before.
She was real though...
The creature in his arms, so strong and yet so fragile, her skin pressed against his own, her hair brushing against his face. She was real, Asuka was real.
He held her, feeling her slowly join him in this place, her body forming bit by bit in the shifting morass until there was a stirring, a heart beginning to beat and a new breath filling her chest.
"Shinji?" the girl looked over her shoulder, into Shinji's face, one eye closed.
"Hey." Shinji swallowed not sure what else in the moment aside from holding her tight "Your okay Asuka, everything is going to be okay."
Asuka snorted dismissively but didn't shake the boy off, enjoying the moment together as the cockpit of the Eva became real around them "You really did it, didn't you?"
"No I... you did it Asuka, I just showed you a way out." Shinji smiled, trying to push down any feelings of doubt or apprehension as he felt her in his arms "I'm just... I'm sorry it took me so long to figure out what I was doing."
At that Asuka chuckled "You really are the same Shinji no matter what huh?"
"I... try." Shinji tried of something more profound to say when the entry plug activated around them, LCL draining around their ankles as the plug slowly withdrew from the shoulders of the machine, gears whirring and hydraulics sliding until the door to the plug opened with a hiss, revealing two tired looking Nerv employees in brown khaki jackets.
"uh... hi" Kodama waved a free hand, the other carrying a hand full of towels "Are you guys..."
"Oh my God are you two alright!? Come on get out here right now!" Maya's reaction was a bit more passionate than her coworker's as she reached in and helped Asuka out of the plug first before grabbing a towel and drying her off "I was so... we were so worried I didn't think that you would ever..."
"I mean I'm here too..." Shinji snorted, more amused than anything as he climbed out of the plug, the metal grating sharp on the souls of his feet. He gave his body a full shake before grabbing a towel from Kodama "I'm sorry I didn't mean to worry anyone I just... did what I had to do." He leaned back against the railing, any metaphysical explanations as to their reappearance feeling hollow in the face of what was in front of them.
"Thank you, Shinji." Maya looked over at him when she was done with Asuka, tears in the corner of her eyes "Whatever you did in there... thank you."
"I just let Asuka... fuck." Shinji stopped as she saw a streak of dark red run down Asuka's cheek "Asuka your eye what did you..."
Asuka raised the corner of her towel, wiping her cheek "It's fine, I'll talk to you about it later I just... It was just something I needed to do."
Her words echoed his own and Shinji said nothing more, especially as the crowd around the gangway quickly got more crowded with Misato and Ritsuko quickly joining them along with several other staff.
"Asuka your really back..." Misato gasped as she got close, reaching out a hand only for it to be knocked aside by the Doctor.
"Reunions can wait, we need to screen both of the pilots and Valkyrie for possible contamination before we even think about cutting the cake."
"It's fine, we're all fine." Shinji said, his tone perhaps a bit more firm than he intended as he took a step, placing a hand on Asuka's shoulder, the happy buzzing feeling in his stomach bumping against something rotten "I just... I just need to talk to Mari and then I'll do whatever you want."
the murmur among the crowd went silent at the name.
"Is she coming? I don't want to kick her out of bed but it's pretty important that I..."
"Shinji..." the crowd parted as Misato looked at the boy, she gave Shinji the look a young Misato once gave his mother in that cell, deep unfathomable loss "Mari is dead."
"What?" Shinji almost laughed, the words almost too absurd to register "What are you talking about she was right... she was fine... I mean she was sick but she was...stable I don't know."
"Shinji I think you should sit down." Doctor Akagi placed a hand on Shinji's shoulder placing herself between the boy and Misato "Come on let's get you checked out and..."
"When? When did this happen?" Shinji ignored the doctor, pushing past the staff to Misato, a familiar fire rising in his chest "Tell me!"
"A little less than three weeks ago... Shinji you've been in there for more than a month."
"Captain stop..."
Something snapped in Shinji he lurched forward and grabbed the captain by the collar, lifting her off the ground like a doll "Where is my father? Tell him I want to see him now! Tell I expect answers and that if he..."
"Shinji stop this now!" Maya called out from behind, about to reach out but was stopped by Akagi.
"You have all this stuff... all these guns and bombs and tech and.... but you could not save her... explain that! Huh?" Shinjis throat was horse as his eyes blazed with fire, tears mixing freely with the flames.
"Shinji..."
Asuka's hand on his skin made the boy freeze, like the whole world paused for just a moment so he could take a breath and catch up with it.
"I... I'm sorry I...." He let go of the captain "I should probably..."
"Maya, Kodama go get the boy cleaned up and scanned before this gets any worse."
there was a murmur of agreement among the two girls as they went to Shinji, taking a hand and leading him down the gangway until he paused and looked over to Asuka "I'll see you soon I guess."
"Yeah... I promise." Asuka gave a half smile and nodded before following Akagi the other way.
*
The soft whir of the metal cocoon around Shinji Ikari was almost comforting in its familiarity. Its strange lights and blinking sensors were not so different from the many he had seen and gone through back in America with Mari. Everything it seemed, no matter how much he tried to clear his mind, went back to Mari.
Was he ever afraid of them? Did he ever panic or lash out at the tests and probes and scans his guardian had given him or was her presence enough to soothe him, her words enough to put him at ease and his own sense of duty enough to drive him to do more and more and more?
Should he have objected? Yelled and thrashed and rebelled like the child he was? He was not sure. He had certainly bristled more and more against his guardian's influence before her death, the secrets and the control she had over him, tipping over the love and support she had given him before. He had chosen to save Asuka over staying with her and now he was going to have to live with his choice.
"You doing okay in there?" Maya's voice was friendly but concerned as she looked over the data streaming into her computer on the other side of the room. "Your numbers are popping in and out a bit."
Shinji didn't know what that meant, he never really knew what that meant, he never needed to. Mari told him to do something and he did it, and then she told him he was fine and he believed her.
His hand drifted up to his chest, feeling the probe taped onto his skin over his core. A teacher once told him the ancient Egyptians believed their heart would be weighed against a feather after they died, measuring their goodness. But he didn't have a heart, and he wasn't sure what else they would use instead.
The Iron lung unfurled around Shinji, slowly eventually letting him get up from the small cot he was lying on, peeling off the probes and sensors along his body as he did so. "Well?" Shinji hopped off the machine and gave a full-body shiver before looking at the two technicians examining his results.
"Hard to say, you have always been very strange.... vitals wise I mean." Maya corrected herself as she looked up at the boy "So we don't have a good baseline for you at the best of times but..."
"But?" Shinji quirked an eyebrow, stepping out from the screen as he finished pulling a plain white shirt over his head.
"You seem normal enough for yourself I guess." Kodama cut in "At least compared to your old numbers on file."
"You should probably stay close at hand though, for a little while at least until we can confirm you are.... well still you I guess. You gave us all a real scare Shinji" Maya gave a half smile.
"Can I go back to my apartment? I really just want to crash and... not be right now." Shinji sighed, feeling a bed calling out his name.
"Yes but umm... please don't go wandering any further than that... without letting us know first I mean."
Shinji bristled, it was a reasonable request considering everything but it was hard not to see the fear in the words, fear from what he had done and what he could do. All at once Shinji realized how the girls must be seeing him "I... of course. Sorry. I'll just... go there now then."
"Oh and..." Kodama piped up, hands across her chest "I know you're still dealing with your mom stuff but... don't hurt anyone okay? Don't grab anyone or smash anything... please?"
The memory of what he did to Misato flashed across his mind "Ah dammit I am sorry I should... I should go apologize to Misato and..." he turned to go, feeling even more on his shoulders.
"Later. I think both of you could use some time to cool off and rest first." Maya placed a tentative hand on the boy's shoulder.
"Yeah... Shinji tried to give as much of a smile as he could as he nodded to the two, leaving them to go up a dozen floors to the apartments.
He paused as he reached it, seeing flickering light underneath the crack of the door and hearing the soft pads of footsteps along the carpet.
"Fuck..."
Shinji grit his teeth and placed a hand on the door, trying to think of something to say to the angel to get him out of his hair until he could properly compose himself. If he says anything about Asuka I am going to punch him, If he says something about Mari I am really going to punch him.
He took a breath, remembering that breathing was something he was supposed to do occasionally as he tried to calm himself as the footsteps got closer meeting him on the other side of the door. "Look I don't want to get into it can I just... oh."
The door slid open to reveal a pale girl with short dark red hair and a black eye patch "Hey."
"Asuka..." Shinji felt something tighten in his chest "Why are you..."
"I asked Akagi if I could stay with you for a while if that's okay. I think we had enough dramatic reunions for one night, can save Rebecca for tomorrow when we are all a bit more... present." Her tone was warm but guarded, there was still pain there Shinji did not want to touch.
"It's more than fine you know how much I want you... wanted to see you again I mean. Make sure you were safe." the boy gave an awkward cough and let his eyes drift over the girl, giving a nervous chuckle as he did so "Your uh... wearing my clothes."
Asuka smirked and did a spin on her feet, a baggy hoodie flopping around her shoulders "I don't want to wear my plug suit... or some NERV hospital gown for that matter for a while if I can help it. I'm not anyone's property and I don't want to feel like one."
"So you're just going to take mine then?" Shinji smiled and walked into the apartment, Asuka quickly on his heels.
Asuka rolled her eye "Don't worry I won't touch your stupid jacket if you don't want me to. Jeez."
"Eh, you can..." Shinji smirked, turning quickly and facing Asuka, the two of them centimetres apart "You'll just have to pay me back."
"And how will I..." Asuka was cut off as Shinji leaned in for a kiss, taking the girl into his arms as they stood in the dark hall.
He kissed her and she kissed back, and for a brief moment, it felt like they were one person again, floating in a sea of dreams and memories. They drifted from room to room until at some point they both lay on Shinjis's bed, clasped together, Asukas's head resting on his chest.
Shinji didn't say anything, he didn't need to. No words would have added to the moment, he just held her close, the feel of her, her heat, her scent, and the subtle rise and fall of her chest as she breathed was enough. She was alive and here with him and that's all that mattered.
"You really don't breathe any more... do you?"
Shinji looked down at Asuka as she dragged a hand down the nape of his neck, her fingers barely touching the hem of his shirt"I guess not... I don't know when I just... it was just something I lost along the way."
"I've never asked... and you've never said... how do you feel about all this?" Asuka's hand pressed against his chest, feeling the thrum of his core through his skin. "I was never given a choice, not really. But you... even if she told you how could you have known what you would..."
"She was trying to protect me. She knew what an awful world this is, what awful people run it and what worse things were coming. The rest doesn't matter...I mean I am here aren't I? And so are you... I could not have done this... could have saved you if she hadn't..."
"I didn't ask you what she did or why she did it Shinji... I asked you how you felt about it."
Shinji closed his eyes, feeling wetness sting their corners as his whole body tensed up. "I feel... I feel awful okay?" Shinji rolled to the side, turning his back to Asuka as he rasped "I did so much and tried so hard and It doesn't matter! She's gone! I feel miserable..."
"Good."
The boy blinked, then wiped some of the tears from his face "What?"
"Shinji I am sorry for your loss, I knew Mari... maybe not as much as I could have. I don't want you to suffer but... sometimes pain is the right feeling to have." Now it was her turn to wrap her arms around him "You loved her, and she loved you. Nothing and no one will ever change that."
The dam burst and Shinji wept into his bed, curling up and shaking as he let everything inside out until he had nothing more. When it was over he sat there in silence for a moment, letting the air clear before speaking in a hushed whisper "Asuka... thank you."
"You were there for me Shinji, you believed in me even when everyone else gave up. I promise I... well, I can't say I'll be perfect but I'll try my best to be there for you I promise."
Shinji sighed, drinking in the moment before wiping his eyes "Thanks. I should... I need to get washed up, I still smell like LCL." with great reluctance he left the girl's embrace, walking down the hall to the bathroom.
Hot water rained down on the boy as steam enveloped him wrapping him in warmth on all sides. It was strange, there was so much to do and so little, he had saved Asuka but now the rest of the world lay in front of him and holding it all in his grip was Kaworu.
He had told Asuka he loved him and she had said the same... Shinji grit his teeth anger building in his chest. He had lost one person he loved and he was still here, but could he take another? Could he do it himself, reach out and snuff the life of someone he held so close in his mind? And would Asuka forgive him if he did?
He placed a hand on the white tile wall in front of him, balling his digits into a fist and pressing hard until his whole arm shook. Slowly a crack formed in the ceramic, spreading up and down like a crackling bolt of lightning. Red flowed through the crack and then down the wall, the blood mixing with the hot water into a thin pink as it washed down the drain.
"Shinji? Are you okay? You've been in here a while."
The boy turned, letting go of the wall and looking a the figure on the other side of the steamed glass door "Ah hey sorry, just got a lot on my mind. I'll be out in a second. I can uh... set up the couch in a second if you're tired, let me just..."
"I don't think that's necessary... in fact." Slender fingers reached for the door to the shower opening it slowly "I can join you... if you want."
"Asuka don't..." Shinji reached out a hand, placing it on hers gently but keeping her from opening the door any wider "I'm sorry I... I want to, trust me I really do but... I want it to be ours, a connection between the two of us, not just a band-aid on... something else."
Through the narrow gap in the glass door, Shinji saw a familiar sad smile on Asuka's face as she withdrew her hand "You are a good man Shinji Ikari, I hope you know that."
Shinji gave a bittersweet chuckle "Feel free to remind me from time to time." He gave her a small wave as she left, finishing up what he was doing and turning off the water. Looking at his knuckle and seeing any trace of injury gone.
The rest of the night was a warm if comfortable blur, as the two spent the late hours of the night glued together, talking and laughing about the past and the future, recounting half-forgotten shared memories and making exotic plans and dreams out of nothing. Eventually, sleep came for them as they lay in each other's arms.
Morning, or rather the following afternoon came eventually, the familiar screech of a kettle slowly dragging Shinji out of slumber. Consciousness hit him like a tidal wave, memories of the last night and the still raw painful wound of his loss coming back to him in an instant. Instinctively he reached around, looking for his companion but finding her gone. "Ah Asuka?" he blinked, climbing out of bed only for the door to his bedroom to open a moment later revealing the girl now wearing one of his aprons.
"I was starting to get a bit worried." She smiled as she lounged in the doorway "But I figured food would get you up. Or failing that a bit of Snow White."
"Snow White?" Shinji quirked an eyebrow.
"you know... this." She waltzed over and gave Shinji a quick peck on the forehead. "Now are you awake."
"Yeah, I guess so." Shinji chuckled and got up, following Asuka to the kitchen "I see we are still alone."
"Oh, Akagi told me last night. Apparently, after you jumped into Valkyrie, Mari started sleeping at her desk which left Angel boy all alone at home so... he moved in with my sister and the captain for company." Asuka shrugged and grabbed the freshly boiled water and poured it into a large pot.
"Do you trust him with your sister?" Shinji asked, looking over the girl's shoulder and seeing a pot full of instant noodles.
"Given your agreement and all his previous interactions with her? I do. Besides if he's anything like the other angels I am not sure it would make much difference if he was her roommate or lived on the other side of the country, if he wanted to he could..."
"Asuka." Shinji gave a tired sigh.
"What? Sorry, I wasn't trying to be grim I just meant... never mind." the girl shook her head, clearly not used to her new limited range of vision as she turned her head back and forth between the boy and their meal. "If you're wondering why we are having a Misato special for lunch... a month in an Eva apparently does a number on the contents of your fridge."
"This is dangerously sober for a Misato special." Shinji chuckled as Asuka placed a big pot of noodles between them, shovelling a forkful of its spicy contents into his waiting mouth "Dangerously edible as well."
"Well, I certainly can't rise to your level of gourmet but I can manage." Asuka smiled and joined in "It's a shame we never got that big dinner you were planning, it would have been nice."
Shinji bristled thinking about all of them gathered around a table together "Yeah it would have. I just wish we can..." Shinji stopped as there came a knock at the door. Asuka got up but Shinji stopped her with a hand, taking a deep breath and walking in front of her before opening the door.
Gendo Ikari stood in the dimly lit hallway, his hands folded behind him and his glasses reflecting what scant light trickled from above him "I was told you wanted to see me Shinji. I agree, we have a lot we need to discuss."
He was a man, he was just a man. Shinji tried to remind himself as he froze looking at his father through the doorway feeling very small despite it all. "I uh... I guess I did say that didn't I?"
"Shinji are you okay?" Asuka got up from her seat but stayed at the table, hand reaching down and grabbing one of the forks on instinct, hiding it behind her back.
"I'm okay I just... I have to go. I'll be back in a while." Shinji swallowed looking back at Asuka before turning to his father "Let's go talk."
"You don't need to go anywhere Shinji." Asuka pleaded "not if you don't want to just..."
"No... it's okay I just... I'll be fine. Go talk to Rebecca, give her a hug for me I'll see you tonight."
"Okay." Asuka relented, easing her grip on the utensil as Shinji turned to leave "I love you Shinji... please don't forget that."
Shinji gave her a half smile "I love you too, and don't worry I won't."
They were halfway down the hall towards the elevator when Gendo spoke again, his face an unchanging mask but his tone oddly teasing "You two looked adorably domestic in there. Was she wearing your clothes? I didn't get a good look."
Shinji ground his teeth, his protective side kicking into overdrive at his father's words "Why are you here?" he asked, trying to get the conversation as far away from Asuka as he could.
"You asked Captain Katsuragi to tell me you wanted to talk, you were quite... adamant about it." the commander waited at the elevator, pressing a button before putting his hands back in the pockets of his dark jacket.
Shinji blushed in embarrassment, once again caught off guard by the mention of his own anger and impatience "I did... I mean we do. We talked a lot before I jumped into Valkyrie but that was apparently a month ago so... I need to know where we stand. About a lot of things."
Gendo grunted in acknowledgement "My approach before with you was clearly an error. I assumed you were like me and would respond how I would respond. I was wrong." there was a moment of silence as the elevator arrived, opening with a slow click.
"Is that a good or a bad thing?" Shinji joined his father in the elevator quickly noticing it was running smoother than when he left a month ago.
"Your extended absence gave us time to do some much-needed repairs, far from what is necessary but better than we were." Gendo explained, silence filling the small metal box of the two of them as they climbed up from the dark depths of the Geofront "As for our differences... I suppose it is too early to tell. In a lot of ways what you did was like your mother, she rushed into things driven by heroic desires... for you, it was Asuka, for her, it was all mankind. Either way, it ended with you locked in the core of an Evangelion."
"But I got out," Shinji said, the words slipping out before he could bite his tongue.
"yes, you did."
Shinji stood there in silence, riding the machine how many floors up to the surface, stewing in equal parts pride and shame at the failures of his own success.
"Where are we going?" Shinji asked, only now realizing they were definitely headed somewhere.
"I thought you would want to see Doctor Makinami's grave. Pay your respects."
"Why? Mari would not care she was never... she didn't believe in that kind of thing." Shinji looked down at his shoes, not sure who he was spiting.
"She visited your mother's grave when you both arrived if you remember, I am not doubting the strength of her beliefs or lack thereof but some things run deep enough to grant some solace regardless."
The elevator came to a stop, opening up with a flash of afternoon sun that made Shinji blink reminding him of again the cold awful truth that had been running through his mind ever since he heard of Mari's death "You didn't... you didn't have anything to do with what happened to her did you?"
Gendo grumbled again this time the mask slipping, or at least the first of many masks, to reveal a plain disgust "She had terminal cancer Shinji. She told you herself before she... you left." he emphasized the last words accusing Shinji of something unsaid.
Does he blame me for... or is he just trying to redirect his own guilt? Shinji sighed, his father was an enigma, perhaps even to himself "It's just awfully convenient for you. I can't imagine she would have approved your plans to..." He trailed off, not wanting to repeat the magnitude of his father's selfishness out loud.
"As I said, as she said, she had terminal cancer, people with terminal cancer tend to die. If you walk out into the rain and get wet is it somehow my fault as well?"
Shinji stayed silent, biting his tongue as he looked around the tarmac of the helipad around them. In the distance, he could see freight being unloaded from massive trailers and loaded onto industrial lifts leading back down into the heart of the fortress "No you have plenty of faults in plain view I don't need to theorize or accuse about new ones."
"Fair enough." Gendo took a breath, his face returning to a mask of calm as a V-Tol arrived from overhead "We can discuss the multitudes and depths of my failings at a later date, for now, I am going to my friend's grave, you can join me if you can stop yourself from casting malice on everything I say and do."
"Whatever." Shinji sighed, shaking his head as the aircraft landed, kicking up dirt and dust around them, and stepping inside after his father.
The gunship carried them over the city, people and cars bustling under them like so many ants as they gained altitude. It was strange for Shinji to look at them now, like they were from another world or some distant memory, their little lives so different and divorced from his own. Eventually, they came to the graveyard, a sea of identical black stones washing over a large open hill and valley.
There had been more here it seems since the last time he visited, and not just his guardian. Whole expansions were being built in expectation to what was to come. Where are the men I killed buried? The men with guns from the conference, they had been enemies, soldiers trying to kill or kidnap Asuka and Kaworu. Every time he thought of them he tried to feel guilty but his mind always turned to the redhead and the angel and it eased any worry that was building.
"She's over here, I thought she would like to be buried next to your mother, or at least your mother's marker."
Shinji followed his father down one of the lanes, trickling memories of his arrival coming back to him and how much of a different person he was to the child who walked these steps the last time "She really loved her... or at least the idea of her. Mom..." Shinji felt something in his throat that choked out the words "It's funny... I called Mari mom the last time we spoke."
There was another silence then as Shinji turned his attention from the black stone marked with his guardian's name and looked at his father, waiting for him to react to his words.
He didn't, or if he did he didn't show it outwardly instead standing tall and stiff and letting the wind roll over the hill around them. "I am sure she appreciated that, in her own way. And yes I knew she loved Yui of that I never had any doubt..."
"Did mom... you know Yui did she..." Shinji stopped the question dying on his tongue. He had done little else than turn over rocks in search of secrets recently, perhaps it was best if some things remained a mystery. "I'm sorry I wasn't here when she died." Shinji said finally, to himself and his father and the black stone in front of him "I'm not sorry I did what I did but... I'm sorry I left so much unsaid. So much undone."
"I wish I could tell you it's not always like this. More or less. We all leave this world with regrets, worries and fears we never truly conquer. The world is rarely so kind and poetic to wrap itself up neatly at our feet when we are done with it."
"Was that supposed to be ominous or comforting?" Shinji almost gave a bitter laugh at his father's melancholy speech.
"It was supposed to be the truth."
"hmm." Shinji sighed, taking a deep breath and looking around the graveyard, imagining for a moment the sea of stones drifting in the breeze like so many flowers "I think I'm done here. Thank you. I'll find my way back to the Geofront..."
"I wish you and I would have a little more time together, there are many things we still need to discuss, Mari aside."
Shinji felt his hand tighten into a fist at his side before slowly releasing. He was right, he hated it but he was right. They had spoken but so much was still unsaid, most importantly the question of what was next. Gendo had offered him, wanted Shinji to join him in destroying the world to get Yui back, and there was little chance he had given up on those ambitions in the flash of time he was gone. "Fine...where to then? I doubt you want to talk about... that stuff here."
His father almost smirked "I thought it didn't matter? That you didn't believe in that sort of thing."
"That's not what I said I..." Shinji snorted, not feeling the energy in his bones for a fight "Where are we going?"
"Kyoto, I want to show you the city I grew up in, or at least what is left of it."
The gunship was uncomfortable but not painful, its seat slightly awkward in its size and angle, it clearly have been made for a full adult. What was worse though was the confined space, leaving Shinji and his father with little option but to sit across from each other, their knees a hair's breadth away from touching. "You were born in Kyoto?" Shinji asked over the engines roaring to life as the ship took off from its perch.
"Born and raised, the city was my world, I didn't leave its outskirts until I was nearly eighteen."
That made Shinji blink, moving and changing had become such a natural part of his life, he and Mari had never stayed anywhere for more than a year or two. It had caused a lot of stress and problems but it had its upsides too "I guess you put down deep roots."
"More that I didn't have a chance to escape. Your grandmother was an arrogant bitch but she wasn't wrong when she called me a street rat."
There was a hate in the man's words when describing Kunohama that crested over his veneer of calm. All at once Shinji was reminded of how the woman died in front of him, the matriarch so strange and sad, crumbling to the ground "I wish you didn't... I wish you didn't have to do that." Shinji admitted, "She was awful in a lot of ways but she missed mom too."
"No, she didn't. She missed the opportunity Yui represented for her, the hope, the pride the prestige. She never... neither of your grandparents ever saw your mother as anything but a tool for their own dreams."
That made Shinji think of Kaworu, another tool, another puppet raised high by someone's pride and cruelty before crashing down when their strings were cut "And you? Were your intentions always so pure?"
"I was an animal when I met your mother, a creature of pain and avoidance of pain. I did what I had to and used who I had to so I could survive. You don't understand the world I grew up in I..."
"The world you grew up in is nothing compared to the world you created." Shinji almost spat, looking his father dead in the eyes as the aircraft began to descend, taking a long slow arc around the city.
That shut him up, or at least Shinji hoped it did. If his father was moved by the retort he didn't show it, simply going silent as he peered out the window of the craft to the approaching city.
It was an impressive place, but Shnji supposed the former capital should be. Miles of cityscape stretching out in every direction, one century bleeding into the next in the architecture and the style of the roads. Twenty-first into twentieth into nineteenth into eighteenth and back again, like human history compressed and smashed together. In the distance, he saw the forests, almost impossibly green, though even this was apparently just a shadow of what the Kyoto wilderness looked like pre-Impact. The huge stretch of land taken up by the Kyoto Imperial Palace and its surrounding properties was unmistakable, that precious cultural center still preserved even as the world tumbled ever downward.
But of course, they weren't landing near any of that; those were the beautiful places, places of dignity and unconditional love and people who could pretend all was right in the world. Those places were not the Kyoto that raised Shinji's father. They came down in a dirty looking park in a dirtier looking neighborhood, the gunship's engines kicking up clouds of dirt and dust as it landed, its rubber tires kissing the sand of the dilapidated baseball diamond.
The place was empty but was not so for long. As the engines cooled figures approached from a safe distance to look and gawk at the spectacle of the NERV aircraft now parked in the middle of their slum.
"Come." Gendo barked, unbuckling his safety harness as the metal doors to the craft slowly unfolded themselves, revealing the pair to the city.
"Come where?" Shinji huffed, frustrated at his father's now mono syllabic commands.
"There is a bar not far from here, it is as good a place as any to put this business behind us."
Business... the word made Shinijs stomach turn considering what business he had spoken to him about before. His father had offered.... had wanted him to help in destroying the world. Billions of lives extinguished just for a chance to see Yui again.
And he would do it too, though many of the sights and sounds and visions he had glimpsed through the scrolls had now faded, blending together into a hazy memory... some things were impossible to forget.
His father, his Gendo Ikari, was far from the only one that held such ambitions, world after world timeline after timeline untold innocents bore the scars of his suffering.
Not that he was alone in that...
Shinji cringed, staring down at his feet as he followed his father along down the cracked streets of Kyoto as the thought of what he had seen of himself... of different hims in the scrolls.
For every hero there was a monster, for every compassionate friend there was a selfish and petty coward, for every tender moment of love... a pair of hands around a throat.
"We are here."
Shinji looked up and saw the marked face of the bar his father was bringing him to. Its exterior was somehow even less impressive than he had imagined, still, it seemed to stir something "Wait... Mari told me about this place... I think." the boy blinked and thought back "She told me Kozo bailed you out of jail after you got into a bar fight was that... this?"
"The same, though I admit I am a little surprised Mari told you of that day, it was hardly my finest hour."
"She could be very blunt when she wanted to be." Shinji gave a bitter smile as he followed his father into the bar, his nose twitching as it was met with the smell of stale beer and old cigarettes "what was the fight over anyway?"
"A man I knew long before I met your mother thought that I owed him something. I severely disagreed." there was a hint of pride at his description of himself, a hint that quickly died as he stopped, placing a hand on the back of a faded leather stool "That wasn't the last time I was here however..." Gendo's voice cracked at the edges until the edges disappeared into a miserable silence.
For the hundredth time today, Shinji wished he knew what level of sincerity his father was operating on if he even knew himself. "Let me guess, you came back the day you sent me away to live with Mari?"
"Correct." Gendo confirmed as he climbed up to the bar, taking a seat at the end of the brass rail "that day I knew I had failed as a husband as a father and as a man. Mari loved you in her own way, and she cared for and protected you in her own way I have no doubt of that. But... his voice grew cold "She should not have had to."
"I'm not... I wasn't... I try not to be angry or upset or wonder what could have happened there." Shinji stumbled over his words as he looked around the establishment seeing they were alone. "Mari disagreed with you on a lot of things but I promise you she never held what you did with me over you. She never told me to hate you for it."
It was hard in some ways, on some level for Shinji not to sympathize with his father as he looked at him in that darkened room. There was real pain there, in his eyes, no matter what else was a lie or manipulation or delusion Shinji knew the pain inside his father was real. But for all the pain and loss present on the man's face there was so much more unsaid, so much done by and for that pain. Inflicted on others who did nothing wrong aside from get in his father's way.
"Would you like a drink?" Gendo asked as he reached over the bar, grabbing two tumblers and a bottle of dark amber liquid.
"I'm fourteen," Shinji said bluntly.
Gendo took a sip of his drink before turning to face his son "That didn't stop on your little midnight adventure with the Soryu girl."
"Don't you fucking say her name!" Shinji snarled, any trace of familial sympathy dissolving as he balled a hand into a fist, it bursting into flames a moment later, lighting up the dank room.
"there it is. I was wondering when he would come out." Gendo gave a cruel smile, idly refilling his glass before pouring Shinji's placing it carefully in front of the boy's place beside him.
"She doesn't have anything to do with this! With us." Shinji grit his teeth.
"I think you know better than that. I think you know how important and central that girl is between us." he tapped Shinji's glass with a finger "Now... are we going to talk like adults?"
And there it was, the threat or at least as close as he would risk saying openly "Fine." Shinji conceded, his flame extinguishing as he climbed onto the seat next o his father "What now?"
"How much does she know?"
Shinji thought for a moment about trying to lie but quickly gave up any attempts at deception "I don't know I mean... when we were in Valkyrie together our minds our thoughts our... everythings. They blurred together. Inside it felt like maybe... no more than a few hours but it was apparently a month so..."
"So we should be safe and assume she knows everything."
We? Shinji blinked What the hell does that mean? Wasn't he just... "I... I guess."
"Do you think she can be trusted to stay quiet about our little... conversation before your sudden departure?"
"Why should she? You... You wanted to..." Shinji lacked the words "Why shouldn't she tell the truth?" Tell the truth to who though? The government was either controlled by SEELE or just as bad, SEELE, what was left of them anyways were monsters as was Stern if his grandmother was to be believed.
"Because such a thing, if it was heard and believed would cause an unimaginable amount of chaos. NERV is holding itself together by the thinnest threads, every day our supplies dwindle and our enemies get closer, and we cannot afford to tear ourselves apart."
"So..." Shinji sighed, taking the tumbler in his hands, gently moving it from side to side, watching the cheap liquor move around the edge of the glass like a tide "If Asuka and I were to stay quiet... for now at least."
"Then you would be doing not only myself but also NERV and the world a great service." Gendo took his drink, taking in a whiff of its smokey flavour before having a small sip and presenting the rest to toast with Shinji "In turn, I promise I will do everything in my power to protect you and Asuka. After all, you have done... all that I could not do, you deserve some happiness."
Shinji froze, the sour taste in his stomach preceding even a drop of the brown-coloured booze. He hated this, but he didn't see another choice, not one that didn't put Asuka in more danger "Okay." he took the glass and clinked it against his fathers then downed its contents in a single swift motion, his body tensing as it forced down the strong fiery taste.
"Thank you. Oh and before I forget." Gendo took something small and plastic out of his pocket "I assume you will need it. Your last one is likely lost to this world."
Shinji took the phone, realizing at once his old one was in his pocket when he jumped into Valkyrie "I uh... thanks I guess." He powered it on, somehow not surprised it was nearly identical to his old one. "I am not sure who I would even call at this point though considering..." he stopped, a flashing message popping up on the screen from Asuka.
"Shinji it's me, I'm safe but we need to talk please come meet me at the hill."
"Did you?" Shinji snarled at his father.
"Of course not. I made a promise didn't I?"
Shinji looked down at his new phone, Asuka still waiting for his reply then up at his father. They had talked so much and yet so much still felt unsaid. I should be used to feeling like this by now... Shinji shook his head "If I go back the way we came will the V-Tol take me..."
"Wherever you want to go."
Shinji turned to go, feeling his mind swirl around him like a fog. All this power and I can't do anything... he stopped at the edge of the doorway, turning on his heels "Dad... you don't have to do this."
Gendo turned, looking up from over his scotch "hmm?"
"You don't have to do any of this." Shinji pleaded, his voice cracking.
There was a silence then between the two of them, his father looking down into his glass before taking off his glasses and pinching the ridge of his brow, all the years of his life now present on his face "You should go see your friend."
The ride back to Tokyo-3 was a dream, the sun slowly setting on the horizon washing the sky in reds and oranges and yellows, all of which reminded him of Asuka.
More than once he wished he had his music player to pass the time, something to break up the sound of whining jet engines. He had lost that too somewhere hadn't he? Another thing gone along the way.
The V-Tol dropped him off in the parking lot of that old abandoned gas station Asuka and him and passed by months ago, its broken glass and chipped paint even more apparent in the light of day.
Tall grass washed against Shinji in the light breeze, the air growing colder as the sun lost its fight against the horizon. Cresting the hill Shinji saw two familiar figures waiting for him.
"Hello, Shinji. I think you and I need to talk."
The angel stood there at the top of the hill, the wind rising around him.
Behind Shinji the last bits of light was fading, in front of him there was only darkness.
The first time Shinji had lost himself and found his way back it had been a strange and disorienting experience his consciousness painfully pulled from a hazy dream or strange vision into the clear reality of the morning. It was frightening and more than a little painful, but the duality was clear, the delineation between real and not, dream and not, desire and reality.
That clarity was lessened this time, as Shinji slowly exited the core, reforming his body from the Adamite flesh of the Eva one bone, one vein, one muscle at a time until he could again be said to inhabit the world. The sour tinge of LCL in the air hitting his nose, the light of the floating displays, the quiet hum of the machine around him slowly coming to life as it sensed his presence. It was all how he expected it, but it was not as definitive as he would have liked, this reality feeling barely more real than the dreams he walked before.
She was real though...
The creature in his arms, so strong and yet so fragile, her skin pressed against his own, her hair brushing against his face. She was real, Asuka was real.
He held her, feeling her slowly join him in this place, her body forming bit by bit in the shifting morass until there was a stirring, a heart beginning to beat and a new breath filling her chest.
"Shinji?" the girl looked over her shoulder, into Shinji's face, one eye closed.
"Hey." Shinji swallowed not sure what else in the moment aside from holding her tight "Your okay Asuka, everything is going to be okay."
Asuka snorted dismissively but didn't shake the boy off, enjoying the moment together as the cockpit of the Eva became real around them "You really did it, didn't you?"
"No I... you did it Asuka, I just showed you a way out." Shinji smiled, trying to push down any feelings of doubt or apprehension as he felt her in his arms "I'm just... I'm sorry it took me so long to figure out what I was doing."
At that Asuka chuckled "You really are the same Shinji no matter what huh?"
"I... try." Shinji tried of something more profound to say when the entry plug activated around them, LCL draining around their ankles as the plug slowly withdrew from the shoulders of the machine, gears whirring and hydraulics sliding until the door to the plug opened with a hiss, revealing two tired looking Nerv employees in brown khaki jackets.
"uh... hi" Kodama waved a free hand, the other carrying a hand full of towels "Are you guys..."
"Oh my God are you two alright!? Come on get out here right now!" Maya's reaction was a bit more passionate than her coworker's as she reached in and helped Asuka out of the plug first before grabbing a towel and drying her off "I was so... we were so worried I didn't think that you would ever..."
"I mean I'm here too..." Shinji snorted, more amused than anything as he climbed out of the plug, the metal grating sharp on the souls of his feet. He gave his body a full shake before grabbing a towel from Kodama "I'm sorry I didn't mean to worry anyone I just... did what I had to do." He leaned back against the railing, any metaphysical explanations as to their reappearance feeling hollow in the face of what was in front of them.
"Thank you, Shinji." Maya looked over at him when she was done with Asuka, tears in the corner of her eyes "Whatever you did in there... thank you."
"I just let Asuka... fuck." Shinji stopped as she saw a streak of dark red run down Asuka's cheek "Asuka your eye what did you..."
Asuka raised the corner of her towel, wiping her cheek "It's fine, I'll talk to you about it later I just... It was just something I needed to do."
Her words echoed his own and Shinji said nothing more, especially as the crowd around the gangway quickly got more crowded with Misato and Ritsuko quickly joining them along with several other staff.
"Asuka your really back..." Misato gasped as she got close, reaching out a hand only for it to be knocked aside by the Doctor.
"Reunions can wait, we need to screen both of the pilots and Valkyrie for possible contamination before we even think about cutting the cake."
"It's fine, we're all fine." Shinji said, his tone perhaps a bit more firm than he intended as he took a step, placing a hand on Asuka's shoulder, the happy buzzing feeling in his stomach bumping against something rotten "I just... I just need to talk to Mari and then I'll do whatever you want."
the murmur among the crowd went silent at the name.
"Is she coming? I don't want to kick her out of bed but it's pretty important that I..."
"Shinji..." the crowd parted as Misato looked at the boy, she gave Shinji the look a young Misato once gave his mother in that cell, deep unfathomable loss "Mari is dead."
"What?" Shinji almost laughed, the words almost too absurd to register "What are you talking about she was right... she was fine... I mean she was sick but she was...stable I don't know."
"Shinji I think you should sit down." Doctor Akagi placed a hand on Shinji's shoulder placing herself between the boy and Misato "Come on let's get you checked out and..."
"When? When did this happen?" Shinji ignored the doctor, pushing past the staff to Misato, a familiar fire rising in his chest "Tell me!"
"A little less than three weeks ago... Shinji you've been in there for more than a month."
"Captain stop..."
Something snapped in Shinji he lurched forward and grabbed the captain by the collar, lifting her off the ground like a doll "Where is my father? Tell him I want to see him now! Tell I expect answers and that if he..."
"Shinji stop this now!" Maya called out from behind, about to reach out but was stopped by Akagi.
"You have all this stuff... all these guns and bombs and tech and.... but you could not save her... explain that! Huh?" Shinjis throat was horse as his eyes blazed with fire, tears mixing freely with the flames.
"Shinji..."
Asuka's hand on his skin made the boy freeze, like the whole world paused for just a moment so he could take a breath and catch up with it.
"I... I'm sorry I...." He let go of the captain "I should probably..."
"Maya, Kodama go get the boy cleaned up and scanned before this gets any worse."
there was a murmur of agreement among the two girls as they went to Shinji, taking a hand and leading him down the gangway until he paused and looked over to Asuka "I'll see you soon I guess."
"Yeah... I promise." Asuka gave a half smile and nodded before following Akagi the other way.
*
The soft whir of the metal cocoon around Shinji Ikari was almost comforting in its familiarity. Its strange lights and blinking sensors were not so different from the many he had seen and gone through back in America with Mari. Everything it seemed, no matter how much he tried to clear his mind, went back to Mari.
Was he ever afraid of them? Did he ever panic or lash out at the tests and probes and scans his guardian had given him or was her presence enough to soothe him, her words enough to put him at ease and his own sense of duty enough to drive him to do more and more and more?
Should he have objected? Yelled and thrashed and rebelled like the child he was? He was not sure. He had certainly bristled more and more against his guardian's influence before her death, the secrets and the control she had over him, tipping over the love and support she had given him before. He had chosen to save Asuka over staying with her and now he was going to have to live with his choice.
"You doing okay in there?" Maya's voice was friendly but concerned as she looked over the data streaming into her computer on the other side of the room. "Your numbers are popping in and out a bit."
Shinji didn't know what that meant, he never really knew what that meant, he never needed to. Mari told him to do something and he did it, and then she told him he was fine and he believed her.
His hand drifted up to his chest, feeling the probe taped onto his skin over his core. A teacher once told him the ancient Egyptians believed their heart would be weighed against a feather after they died, measuring their goodness. But he didn't have a heart, and he wasn't sure what else they would use instead.
The Iron lung unfurled around Shinji, slowly eventually letting him get up from the small cot he was lying on, peeling off the probes and sensors along his body as he did so. "Well?" Shinji hopped off the machine and gave a full-body shiver before looking at the two technicians examining his results.
"Hard to say, you have always been very strange.... vitals wise I mean." Maya corrected herself as she looked up at the boy "So we don't have a good baseline for you at the best of times but..."
"But?" Shinji quirked an eyebrow, stepping out from the screen as he finished pulling a plain white shirt over his head.
"You seem normal enough for yourself I guess." Kodama cut in "At least compared to your old numbers on file."
"You should probably stay close at hand though, for a little while at least until we can confirm you are.... well still you I guess. You gave us all a real scare Shinji" Maya gave a half smile.
"Can I go back to my apartment? I really just want to crash and... not be right now." Shinji sighed, feeling a bed calling out his name.
"Yes but umm... please don't go wandering any further than that... without letting us know first I mean."
Shinji bristled, it was a reasonable request considering everything but it was hard not to see the fear in the words, fear from what he had done and what he could do. All at once Shinji realized how the girls must be seeing him "I... of course. Sorry. I'll just... go there now then."
"Oh and..." Kodama piped up, hands across her chest "I know you're still dealing with your mom stuff but... don't hurt anyone okay? Don't grab anyone or smash anything... please?"
The memory of what he did to Misato flashed across his mind "Ah dammit I am sorry I should... I should go apologize to Misato and..." he turned to go, feeling even more on his shoulders.
"Later. I think both of you could use some time to cool off and rest first." Maya placed a tentative hand on the boy's shoulder.
"Yeah... Shinji tried to give as much of a smile as he could as he nodded to the two, leaving them to go up a dozen floors to the apartments.
He paused as he reached it, seeing flickering light underneath the crack of the door and hearing the soft pads of footsteps along the carpet.
"Fuck..."
Shinji grit his teeth and placed a hand on the door, trying to think of something to say to the angel to get him out of his hair until he could properly compose himself. If he says anything about Asuka I am going to punch him, If he says something about Mari I am really going to punch him.
He took a breath, remembering that breathing was something he was supposed to do occasionally as he tried to calm himself as the footsteps got closer meeting him on the other side of the door. "Look I don't want to get into it can I just... oh."
The door slid open to reveal a pale girl with short dark red hair and a black eye patch "Hey."
"Asuka..." Shinji felt something tighten in his chest "Why are you..."
"I asked Akagi if I could stay with you for a while if that's okay. I think we had enough dramatic reunions for one night, can save Rebecca for tomorrow when we are all a bit more... present." Her tone was warm but guarded, there was still pain there Shinji did not want to touch.
"It's more than fine you know how much I want you... wanted to see you again I mean. Make sure you were safe." the boy gave an awkward cough and let his eyes drift over the girl, giving a nervous chuckle as he did so "Your uh... wearing my clothes."
Asuka smirked and did a spin on her feet, a baggy hoodie flopping around her shoulders "I don't want to wear my plug suit... or some NERV hospital gown for that matter for a while if I can help it. I'm not anyone's property and I don't want to feel like one."
"So you're just going to take mine then?" Shinji smiled and walked into the apartment, Asuka quickly on his heels.
Asuka rolled her eye "Don't worry I won't touch your stupid jacket if you don't want me to. Jeez."
"Eh, you can..." Shinji smirked, turning quickly and facing Asuka, the two of them centimetres apart "You'll just have to pay me back."
"And how will I..." Asuka was cut off as Shinji leaned in for a kiss, taking the girl into his arms as they stood in the dark hall.
He kissed her and she kissed back, and for a brief moment, it felt like they were one person again, floating in a sea of dreams and memories. They drifted from room to room until at some point they both lay on Shinjis's bed, clasped together, Asukas's head resting on his chest.
Shinji didn't say anything, he didn't need to. No words would have added to the moment, he just held her close, the feel of her, her heat, her scent, and the subtle rise and fall of her chest as she breathed was enough. She was alive and here with him and that's all that mattered.
"You really don't breathe any more... do you?"
Shinji looked down at Asuka as she dragged a hand down the nape of his neck, her fingers barely touching the hem of his shirt"I guess not... I don't know when I just... it was just something I lost along the way."
"I've never asked... and you've never said... how do you feel about all this?" Asuka's hand pressed against his chest, feeling the thrum of his core through his skin. "I was never given a choice, not really. But you... even if she told you how could you have known what you would..."
"She was trying to protect me. She knew what an awful world this is, what awful people run it and what worse things were coming. The rest doesn't matter...I mean I am here aren't I? And so are you... I could not have done this... could have saved you if she hadn't..."
"I didn't ask you what she did or why she did it Shinji... I asked you how you felt about it."
Shinji closed his eyes, feeling wetness sting their corners as his whole body tensed up. "I feel... I feel awful okay?" Shinji rolled to the side, turning his back to Asuka as he rasped "I did so much and tried so hard and It doesn't matter! She's gone! I feel miserable..."
"Good."
The boy blinked, then wiped some of the tears from his face "What?"
"Shinji I am sorry for your loss, I knew Mari... maybe not as much as I could have. I don't want you to suffer but... sometimes pain is the right feeling to have." Now it was her turn to wrap her arms around him "You loved her, and she loved you. Nothing and no one will ever change that."
The dam burst and Shinji wept into his bed, curling up and shaking as he let everything inside out until he had nothing more. When it was over he sat there in silence for a moment, letting the air clear before speaking in a hushed whisper "Asuka... thank you."
"You were there for me Shinji, you believed in me even when everyone else gave up. I promise I... well, I can't say I'll be perfect but I'll try my best to be there for you I promise."
Shinji sighed, drinking in the moment before wiping his eyes "Thanks. I should... I need to get washed up, I still smell like LCL." with great reluctance he left the girl's embrace, walking down the hall to the bathroom.
Hot water rained down on the boy as steam enveloped him wrapping him in warmth on all sides. It was strange, there was so much to do and so little, he had saved Asuka but now the rest of the world lay in front of him and holding it all in his grip was Kaworu.
He had told Asuka he loved him and she had said the same... Shinji grit his teeth anger building in his chest. He had lost one person he loved and he was still here, but could he take another? Could he do it himself, reach out and snuff the life of someone he held so close in his mind? And would Asuka forgive him if he did?
He placed a hand on the white tile wall in front of him, balling his digits into a fist and pressing hard until his whole arm shook. Slowly a crack formed in the ceramic, spreading up and down like a crackling bolt of lightning. Red flowed through the crack and then down the wall, the blood mixing with the hot water into a thin pink as it washed down the drain.
"Shinji? Are you okay? You've been in here a while."
The boy turned, letting go of the wall and looking a the figure on the other side of the steamed glass door "Ah hey sorry, just got a lot on my mind. I'll be out in a second. I can uh... set up the couch in a second if you're tired, let me just..."
"I don't think that's necessary... in fact." Slender fingers reached for the door to the shower opening it slowly "I can join you... if you want."
"Asuka don't..." Shinji reached out a hand, placing it on hers gently but keeping her from opening the door any wider "I'm sorry I... I want to, trust me I really do but... I want it to be ours, a connection between the two of us, not just a band-aid on... something else."
Through the narrow gap in the glass door, Shinji saw a familiar sad smile on Asuka's face as she withdrew her hand "You are a good man Shinji Ikari, I hope you know that."
Shinji gave a bittersweet chuckle "Feel free to remind me from time to time." He gave her a small wave as she left, finishing up what he was doing and turning off the water. Looking at his knuckle and seeing any trace of injury gone.
The rest of the night was a warm if comfortable blur, as the two spent the late hours of the night glued together, talking and laughing about the past and the future, recounting half-forgotten shared memories and making exotic plans and dreams out of nothing. Eventually, sleep came for them as they lay in each other's arms.
Morning, or rather the following afternoon came eventually, the familiar screech of a kettle slowly dragging Shinji out of slumber. Consciousness hit him like a tidal wave, memories of the last night and the still raw painful wound of his loss coming back to him in an instant. Instinctively he reached around, looking for his companion but finding her gone. "Ah Asuka?" he blinked, climbing out of bed only for the door to his bedroom to open a moment later revealing the girl now wearing one of his aprons.
"I was starting to get a bit worried." She smiled as she lounged in the doorway "But I figured food would get you up. Or failing that a bit of Snow White."
"Snow White?" Shinji quirked an eyebrow.
"you know... this." She waltzed over and gave Shinji a quick peck on the forehead. "Now are you awake."
"Yeah, I guess so." Shinji chuckled and got up, following Asuka to the kitchen "I see we are still alone."
"Oh, Akagi told me last night. Apparently, after you jumped into Valkyrie, Mari started sleeping at her desk which left Angel boy all alone at home so... he moved in with my sister and the captain for company." Asuka shrugged and grabbed the freshly boiled water and poured it into a large pot.
"Do you trust him with your sister?" Shinji asked, looking over the girl's shoulder and seeing a pot full of instant noodles.
"Given your agreement and all his previous interactions with her? I do. Besides if he's anything like the other angels I am not sure it would make much difference if he was her roommate or lived on the other side of the country, if he wanted to he could..."
"Asuka." Shinji gave a tired sigh.
"What? Sorry, I wasn't trying to be grim I just meant... never mind." the girl shook her head, clearly not used to her new limited range of vision as she turned her head back and forth between the boy and their meal. "If you're wondering why we are having a Misato special for lunch... a month in an Eva apparently does a number on the contents of your fridge."
"This is dangerously sober for a Misato special." Shinji chuckled as Asuka placed a big pot of noodles between them, shovelling a forkful of its spicy contents into his waiting mouth "Dangerously edible as well."
"Well, I certainly can't rise to your level of gourmet but I can manage." Asuka smiled and joined in "It's a shame we never got that big dinner you were planning, it would have been nice."
Shinji bristled thinking about all of them gathered around a table together "Yeah it would have. I just wish we can..." Shinji stopped as there came a knock at the door. Asuka got up but Shinji stopped her with a hand, taking a deep breath and walking in front of her before opening the door.
Gendo Ikari stood in the dimly lit hallway, his hands folded behind him and his glasses reflecting what scant light trickled from above him "I was told you wanted to see me Shinji. I agree, we have a lot we need to discuss."
He was a man, he was just a man. Shinji tried to remind himself as he froze looking at his father through the doorway feeling very small despite it all. "I uh... I guess I did say that didn't I?"
"Shinji are you okay?" Asuka got up from her seat but stayed at the table, hand reaching down and grabbing one of the forks on instinct, hiding it behind her back.
"I'm okay I just... I have to go. I'll be back in a while." Shinji swallowed looking back at Asuka before turning to his father "Let's go talk."
"You don't need to go anywhere Shinji." Asuka pleaded "not if you don't want to just..."
"No... it's okay I just... I'll be fine. Go talk to Rebecca, give her a hug for me I'll see you tonight."
"Okay." Asuka relented, easing her grip on the utensil as Shinji turned to leave "I love you Shinji... please don't forget that."
Shinji gave her a half smile "I love you too, and don't worry I won't."
They were halfway down the hall towards the elevator when Gendo spoke again, his face an unchanging mask but his tone oddly teasing "You two looked adorably domestic in there. Was she wearing your clothes? I didn't get a good look."
Shinji ground his teeth, his protective side kicking into overdrive at his father's words "Why are you here?" he asked, trying to get the conversation as far away from Asuka as he could.
"You asked Captain Katsuragi to tell me you wanted to talk, you were quite... adamant about it." the commander waited at the elevator, pressing a button before putting his hands back in the pockets of his dark jacket.
Shinji blushed in embarrassment, once again caught off guard by the mention of his own anger and impatience "I did... I mean we do. We talked a lot before I jumped into Valkyrie but that was apparently a month ago so... I need to know where we stand. About a lot of things."
Gendo grunted in acknowledgement "My approach before with you was clearly an error. I assumed you were like me and would respond how I would respond. I was wrong." there was a moment of silence as the elevator arrived, opening with a slow click.
"Is that a good or a bad thing?" Shinji joined his father in the elevator quickly noticing it was running smoother than when he left a month ago.
"Your extended absence gave us time to do some much-needed repairs, far from what is necessary but better than we were." Gendo explained, silence filling the small metal box of the two of them as they climbed up from the dark depths of the Geofront "As for our differences... I suppose it is too early to tell. In a lot of ways what you did was like your mother, she rushed into things driven by heroic desires... for you, it was Asuka, for her, it was all mankind. Either way, it ended with you locked in the core of an Evangelion."
"But I got out," Shinji said, the words slipping out before he could bite his tongue.
"yes, you did."
Shinji stood there in silence, riding the machine how many floors up to the surface, stewing in equal parts pride and shame at the failures of his own success.
"Where are we going?" Shinji asked, only now realizing they were definitely headed somewhere.
"I thought you would want to see Doctor Makinami's grave. Pay your respects."
"Why? Mari would not care she was never... she didn't believe in that kind of thing." Shinji looked down at his shoes, not sure who he was spiting.
"She visited your mother's grave when you both arrived if you remember, I am not doubting the strength of her beliefs or lack thereof but some things run deep enough to grant some solace regardless."
The elevator came to a stop, opening up with a flash of afternoon sun that made Shinji blink reminding him of again the cold awful truth that had been running through his mind ever since he heard of Mari's death "You didn't... you didn't have anything to do with what happened to her did you?"
Gendo grumbled again this time the mask slipping, or at least the first of many masks, to reveal a plain disgust "She had terminal cancer Shinji. She told you herself before she... you left." he emphasized the last words accusing Shinji of something unsaid.
Does he blame me for... or is he just trying to redirect his own guilt? Shinji sighed, his father was an enigma, perhaps even to himself "It's just awfully convenient for you. I can't imagine she would have approved your plans to..." He trailed off, not wanting to repeat the magnitude of his father's selfishness out loud.
"As I said, as she said, she had terminal cancer, people with terminal cancer tend to die. If you walk out into the rain and get wet is it somehow my fault as well?"
Shinji stayed silent, biting his tongue as he looked around the tarmac of the helipad around them. In the distance, he could see freight being unloaded from massive trailers and loaded onto industrial lifts leading back down into the heart of the fortress "No you have plenty of faults in plain view I don't need to theorize or accuse about new ones."
"Fair enough." Gendo took a breath, his face returning to a mask of calm as a V-Tol arrived from overhead "We can discuss the multitudes and depths of my failings at a later date, for now, I am going to my friend's grave, you can join me if you can stop yourself from casting malice on everything I say and do."
"Whatever." Shinji sighed, shaking his head as the aircraft landed, kicking up dirt and dust around them, and stepping inside after his father.
The gunship carried them over the city, people and cars bustling under them like so many ants as they gained altitude. It was strange for Shinji to look at them now, like they were from another world or some distant memory, their little lives so different and divorced from his own. Eventually, they came to the graveyard, a sea of identical black stones washing over a large open hill and valley.
There had been more here it seems since the last time he visited, and not just his guardian. Whole expansions were being built in expectation to what was to come. Where are the men I killed buried? The men with guns from the conference, they had been enemies, soldiers trying to kill or kidnap Asuka and Kaworu. Every time he thought of them he tried to feel guilty but his mind always turned to the redhead and the angel and it eased any worry that was building.
"She's over here, I thought she would like to be buried next to your mother, or at least your mother's marker."
Shinji followed his father down one of the lanes, trickling memories of his arrival coming back to him and how much of a different person he was to the child who walked these steps the last time "She really loved her... or at least the idea of her. Mom..." Shinji felt something in his throat that choked out the words "It's funny... I called Mari mom the last time we spoke."
There was another silence then as Shinji turned his attention from the black stone marked with his guardian's name and looked at his father, waiting for him to react to his words.
He didn't, or if he did he didn't show it outwardly instead standing tall and stiff and letting the wind roll over the hill around them. "I am sure she appreciated that, in her own way. And yes I knew she loved Yui of that I never had any doubt..."
"Did mom... you know Yui did she..." Shinji stopped the question dying on his tongue. He had done little else than turn over rocks in search of secrets recently, perhaps it was best if some things remained a mystery. "I'm sorry I wasn't here when she died." Shinji said finally, to himself and his father and the black stone in front of him "I'm not sorry I did what I did but... I'm sorry I left so much unsaid. So much undone."
"I wish I could tell you it's not always like this. More or less. We all leave this world with regrets, worries and fears we never truly conquer. The world is rarely so kind and poetic to wrap itself up neatly at our feet when we are done with it."
"Was that supposed to be ominous or comforting?" Shinji almost gave a bitter laugh at his father's melancholy speech.
"It was supposed to be the truth."
"hmm." Shinji sighed, taking a deep breath and looking around the graveyard, imagining for a moment the sea of stones drifting in the breeze like so many flowers "I think I'm done here. Thank you. I'll find my way back to the Geofront..."
"I wish you and I would have a little more time together, there are many things we still need to discuss, Mari aside."
Shinji felt his hand tighten into a fist at his side before slowly releasing. He was right, he hated it but he was right. They had spoken but so much was still unsaid, most importantly the question of what was next. Gendo had offered him, wanted Shinji to join him in destroying the world to get Yui back, and there was little chance he had given up on those ambitions in the flash of time he was gone. "Fine...where to then? I doubt you want to talk about... that stuff here."
His father almost smirked "I thought it didn't matter? That you didn't believe in that sort of thing."
"That's not what I said I..." Shinji snorted, not feeling the energy in his bones for a fight "Where are we going?"
"Kyoto, I want to show you the city I grew up in, or at least what is left of it."
The gunship was uncomfortable but not painful, its seat slightly awkward in its size and angle, it clearly have been made for a full adult. What was worse though was the confined space, leaving Shinji and his father with little option but to sit across from each other, their knees a hair's breadth away from touching. "You were born in Kyoto?" Shinji asked over the engines roaring to life as the ship took off from its perch.
"Born and raised, the city was my world, I didn't leave its outskirts until I was nearly eighteen."
That made Shinji blink, moving and changing had become such a natural part of his life, he and Mari had never stayed anywhere for more than a year or two. It had caused a lot of stress and problems but it had its upsides too "I guess you put down deep roots."
"More that I didn't have a chance to escape. Your grandmother was an arrogant bitch but she wasn't wrong when she called me a street rat."
There was a hate in the man's words when describing Kunohama that crested over his veneer of calm. All at once Shinji was reminded of how the woman died in front of him, the matriarch so strange and sad, crumbling to the ground "I wish you didn't... I wish you didn't have to do that." Shinji admitted, "She was awful in a lot of ways but she missed mom too."
"No, she didn't. She missed the opportunity Yui represented for her, the hope, the pride the prestige. She never... neither of your grandparents ever saw your mother as anything but a tool for their own dreams."
That made Shinji think of Kaworu, another tool, another puppet raised high by someone's pride and cruelty before crashing down when their strings were cut "And you? Were your intentions always so pure?"
"I was an animal when I met your mother, a creature of pain and avoidance of pain. I did what I had to and used who I had to so I could survive. You don't understand the world I grew up in I..."
"The world you grew up in is nothing compared to the world you created." Shinji almost spat, looking his father dead in the eyes as the aircraft began to descend, taking a long slow arc around the city.
That shut him up, or at least Shinji hoped it did. If his father was moved by the retort he didn't show it, simply going silent as he peered out the window of the craft to the approaching city.
It was an impressive place, but Shnji supposed the former capital should be. Miles of cityscape stretching out in every direction, one century bleeding into the next in the architecture and the style of the roads. Twenty-first into twentieth into nineteenth into eighteenth and back again, like human history compressed and smashed together. In the distance, he saw the forests, almost impossibly green, though even this was apparently just a shadow of what the Kyoto wilderness looked like pre-Impact. The huge stretch of land taken up by the Kyoto Imperial Palace and its surrounding properties was unmistakable, that precious cultural center still preserved even as the world tumbled ever downward.
But of course, they weren't landing near any of that; those were the beautiful places, places of dignity and unconditional love and people who could pretend all was right in the world. Those places were not the Kyoto that raised Shinji's father. They came down in a dirty looking park in a dirtier looking neighborhood, the gunship's engines kicking up clouds of dirt and dust as it landed, its rubber tires kissing the sand of the dilapidated baseball diamond.
The place was empty but was not so for long. As the engines cooled figures approached from a safe distance to look and gawk at the spectacle of the NERV aircraft now parked in the middle of their slum.
"Come." Gendo barked, unbuckling his safety harness as the metal doors to the craft slowly unfolded themselves, revealing the pair to the city.
"Come where?" Shinji huffed, frustrated at his father's now mono syllabic commands.
"There is a bar not far from here, it is as good a place as any to put this business behind us."
Business... the word made Shinijs stomach turn considering what business he had spoken to him about before. His father had offered.... had wanted him to help in destroying the world. Billions of lives extinguished just for a chance to see Yui again.
And he would do it too, though many of the sights and sounds and visions he had glimpsed through the scrolls had now faded, blending together into a hazy memory... some things were impossible to forget.
His father, his Gendo Ikari, was far from the only one that held such ambitions, world after world timeline after timeline untold innocents bore the scars of his suffering.
Not that he was alone in that...
Shinji cringed, staring down at his feet as he followed his father along down the cracked streets of Kyoto as the thought of what he had seen of himself... of different hims in the scrolls.
For every hero there was a monster, for every compassionate friend there was a selfish and petty coward, for every tender moment of love... a pair of hands around a throat.
"We are here."
Shinji looked up and saw the marked face of the bar his father was bringing him to. Its exterior was somehow even less impressive than he had imagined, still, it seemed to stir something "Wait... Mari told me about this place... I think." the boy blinked and thought back "She told me Kozo bailed you out of jail after you got into a bar fight was that... this?"
"The same, though I admit I am a little surprised Mari told you of that day, it was hardly my finest hour."
"She could be very blunt when she wanted to be." Shinji gave a bitter smile as he followed his father into the bar, his nose twitching as it was met with the smell of stale beer and old cigarettes "what was the fight over anyway?"
"A man I knew long before I met your mother thought that I owed him something. I severely disagreed." there was a hint of pride at his description of himself, a hint that quickly died as he stopped, placing a hand on the back of a faded leather stool "That wasn't the last time I was here however..." Gendo's voice cracked at the edges until the edges disappeared into a miserable silence.
For the hundredth time today, Shinji wished he knew what level of sincerity his father was operating on if he even knew himself. "Let me guess, you came back the day you sent me away to live with Mari?"
"Correct." Gendo confirmed as he climbed up to the bar, taking a seat at the end of the brass rail "that day I knew I had failed as a husband as a father and as a man. Mari loved you in her own way, and she cared for and protected you in her own way I have no doubt of that. But... his voice grew cold "She should not have had to."
"I'm not... I wasn't... I try not to be angry or upset or wonder what could have happened there." Shinji stumbled over his words as he looked around the establishment seeing they were alone. "Mari disagreed with you on a lot of things but I promise you she never held what you did with me over you. She never told me to hate you for it."
It was hard in some ways, on some level for Shinji not to sympathize with his father as he looked at him in that darkened room. There was real pain there, in his eyes, no matter what else was a lie or manipulation or delusion Shinji knew the pain inside his father was real. But for all the pain and loss present on the man's face there was so much more unsaid, so much done by and for that pain. Inflicted on others who did nothing wrong aside from get in his father's way.
"Would you like a drink?" Gendo asked as he reached over the bar, grabbing two tumblers and a bottle of dark amber liquid.
"I'm fourteen," Shinji said bluntly.
Gendo took a sip of his drink before turning to face his son "That didn't stop on your little midnight adventure with the Soryu girl."
"Don't you fucking say her name!" Shinji snarled, any trace of familial sympathy dissolving as he balled a hand into a fist, it bursting into flames a moment later, lighting up the dank room.
"there it is. I was wondering when he would come out." Gendo gave a cruel smile, idly refilling his glass before pouring Shinji's placing it carefully in front of the boy's place beside him.
"She doesn't have anything to do with this! With us." Shinji grit his teeth.
"I think you know better than that. I think you know how important and central that girl is between us." he tapped Shinji's glass with a finger "Now... are we going to talk like adults?"
And there it was, the threat or at least as close as he would risk saying openly "Fine." Shinji conceded, his flame extinguishing as he climbed onto the seat next o his father "What now?"
"How much does she know?"
Shinji thought for a moment about trying to lie but quickly gave up any attempts at deception "I don't know I mean... when we were in Valkyrie together our minds our thoughts our... everythings. They blurred together. Inside it felt like maybe... no more than a few hours but it was apparently a month so..."
"So we should be safe and assume she knows everything."
We? Shinji blinked What the hell does that mean? Wasn't he just... "I... I guess."
"Do you think she can be trusted to stay quiet about our little... conversation before your sudden departure?"
"Why should she? You... You wanted to..." Shinji lacked the words "Why shouldn't she tell the truth?" Tell the truth to who though? The government was either controlled by SEELE or just as bad, SEELE, what was left of them anyways were monsters as was Stern if his grandmother was to be believed.
"Because such a thing, if it was heard and believed would cause an unimaginable amount of chaos. NERV is holding itself together by the thinnest threads, every day our supplies dwindle and our enemies get closer, and we cannot afford to tear ourselves apart."
"So..." Shinji sighed, taking the tumbler in his hands, gently moving it from side to side, watching the cheap liquor move around the edge of the glass like a tide "If Asuka and I were to stay quiet... for now at least."
"Then you would be doing not only myself but also NERV and the world a great service." Gendo took his drink, taking in a whiff of its smokey flavour before having a small sip and presenting the rest to toast with Shinji "In turn, I promise I will do everything in my power to protect you and Asuka. After all, you have done... all that I could not do, you deserve some happiness."
Shinji froze, the sour taste in his stomach preceding even a drop of the brown-coloured booze. He hated this, but he didn't see another choice, not one that didn't put Asuka in more danger "Okay." he took the glass and clinked it against his fathers then downed its contents in a single swift motion, his body tensing as it forced down the strong fiery taste.
"Thank you. Oh and before I forget." Gendo took something small and plastic out of his pocket "I assume you will need it. Your last one is likely lost to this world."
Shinji took the phone, realizing at once his old one was in his pocket when he jumped into Valkyrie "I uh... thanks I guess." He powered it on, somehow not surprised it was nearly identical to his old one. "I am not sure who I would even call at this point though considering..." he stopped, a flashing message popping up on the screen from Asuka.
"Shinji it's me, I'm safe but we need to talk please come meet me at the hill."
"Did you?" Shinji snarled at his father.
"Of course not. I made a promise didn't I?"
Shinji looked down at his new phone, Asuka still waiting for his reply then up at his father. They had talked so much and yet so much still felt unsaid. I should be used to feeling like this by now... Shinji shook his head "If I go back the way we came will the V-Tol take me..."
"Wherever you want to go."
Shinji turned to go, feeling his mind swirl around him like a fog. All this power and I can't do anything... he stopped at the edge of the doorway, turning on his heels "Dad... you don't have to do this."
Gendo turned, looking up from over his scotch "hmm?"
"You don't have to do any of this." Shinji pleaded, his voice cracking.
There was a silence then between the two of them, his father looking down into his glass before taking off his glasses and pinching the ridge of his brow, all the years of his life now present on his face "You should go see your friend."
The ride back to Tokyo-3 was a dream, the sun slowly setting on the horizon washing the sky in reds and oranges and yellows, all of which reminded him of Asuka.
More than once he wished he had his music player to pass the time, something to break up the sound of whining jet engines. He had lost that too somewhere hadn't he? Another thing gone along the way.
The V-Tol dropped him off in the parking lot of that old abandoned gas station Asuka and him and passed by months ago, its broken glass and chipped paint even more apparent in the light of day.
Tall grass washed against Shinji in the light breeze, the air growing colder as the sun lost its fight against the horizon. Cresting the hill Shinji saw two familiar figures waiting for him.
"Hello, Shinji. I think you and I need to talk."
The angel stood there at the top of the hill, the wind rising around him.
Behind Shinji the last bits of light was fading, in front of him there was only darkness.
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no.
Pink Flamingo Cabal Grand Vizier
- Location
- Pennsylvania
This chapter is partially new material, showing other things that happened during recent events, and partially a sort of "remastering", revamping parts that Alex wanted to tweak. I really enjoy the way it all turned out.
In particular, every interaction with Gendo is fantastic. At every turn, it's impossible to tell how honest he's being; is this an incompetent attempt to connect with his son or is it more manipulation? Is he telling the truth about Yui's parents or is that just him trying to destabilize Shinji's trust in others? Are his accounts of his own backstory even accurate or is he trying to sound like he just got swept up in all of this conspiracy stuff rather than willingly diving deeper alongside Yui? It's an unfortunately realistic portrait of what it's like to try and have a serious conversation with a pathological liar; you find yourself doubting everything that happened in the conversation, even your own recollection of it.
In particular, every interaction with Gendo is fantastic. At every turn, it's impossible to tell how honest he's being; is this an incompetent attempt to connect with his son or is it more manipulation? Is he telling the truth about Yui's parents or is that just him trying to destabilize Shinji's trust in others? Are his accounts of his own backstory even accurate or is he trying to sound like he just got swept up in all of this conspiracy stuff rather than willingly diving deeper alongside Yui? It's an unfortunately realistic portrait of what it's like to try and have a serious conversation with a pathological liar; you find yourself doubting everything that happened in the conversation, even your own recollection of it.
I do enjoy the almost Dr. Manhattan-esque scene of Shinji reconstituting himself and Asuka as they exit the core.
The scenes with Shinji and Gendo are well done. It's obvious that Shinji knows at least most of the story of his grandmother and mother firsthand through the ring so there's less for his father to hide. I'm willing to bet that Gendo is dying to figure out how Shinji got Asuka out when he's tried just about everything and failed bu it doesn't look like he's at the point of asking yet.
The scenes with Shinji and Gendo are well done. It's obvious that Shinji knows at least most of the story of his grandmother and mother firsthand through the ring so there's less for his father to hide. I'm willing to bet that Gendo is dying to figure out how Shinji got Asuka out when he's tried just about everything and failed bu it doesn't look like he's at the point of asking yet.
