Neural network art go!
Beauty and the Beast [NGE]
- Location
- Canada
He's an interesting guy, I was half way through writing him giving his story when I had a little panic when I realized how long it was getting and how much screen time as were I was giving to a totally original character. In the end though I fought my instincts and let it be as long as it had to be for the conversation to feel natural. As for the character himself hes a good person (if grumpy and a bit bitter) in a very ungood world while Toshiro was good to his kids and pretty good to his men and terrible to everyone else.
Its a lot of fun expanding the world It's silly but I think that old Amanda Marshall song is correct, in real life and in good fiction "Everybody's got a story that can break your heart." Not everyone is a superhuman mech pilot or involved in an ancient alien conspiracy but everyone has a story worth telling. As for the wunderwaffen comment, I would say in a way all war machines are child powered
To play devils advocate a lot of things become more acceptable the more you step back and expand your scope. I don't think its up for debate that Yui loved her son, but that love even the love of your only child may pale in the face of the threat of all of human extinction.
Yeah the chapter definitely has a subtext toxic masculinity and the many little ways men can get tripped up or tie themselves in knots trying to be who they think their supposed to be.
Rusty Shackleford is one of the diners most repeat customers so hes allowed to say some things
Thanks! and thank you everyone again for the confidence and patience regarding this stuff. I know its not Shinji and Asuka and them but its where my mind was going and I could not write anything else till I did.
- Location
- Pennsylvania
Counter argument: while that explanation works for her initial absorption she could have chosen to come back at the end of Third Impact though. By that point the threat of human extinction had passed. Instead though she decides to abandon her child yet again and float through the void as space junk. Meanwhile in the Rebuild continuity she let herself get erased from existence alongside Gendo.
In short, imho the canon version of Shinji's parents can go fuck themselves.
''To play devils advocate a lot of things become more acceptable the more you step back and expand your scope. I don't think its up for debate that Yui loved her son, but that love even the love of your only child may pale in the face of the threat of all of human extinction.''
It depends on how you look at it. In fact, Yui couldn't help but know HOW "wonderful" her disappearance would affect Rokobungi (whom she had known since university) and, consequently, Shinji. She couldn't help but know... unless it was part of her plan. Or, to be more precise, the script.
"Counter argument: while that explanation works for her initial absorption she could have chosen to come back at the end of Third Impact though. By that point the threat of human extinction had passed. Instead though she decides to abandon her child yet again and float through the void as space junk."
That's right. An extremely strange plan to counteract instrumentation. Personally, it seemed to me that Miss Ikari simply diverged from Lorentz in certain aspects: not the "Red Earth Ceremony", but, for example, the "Green Water Ceremony". And the rest - she was fine with everything Honestly, Yui may well be the most sinister character in this whole story.
PS: here is my view on the "dark" Yui for my future fika on Eve.
PS 2: I couldn't make this picture smaller, sorry(
It depends on how you look at it. In fact, Yui couldn't help but know HOW "wonderful" her disappearance would affect Rokobungi (whom she had known since university) and, consequently, Shinji. She couldn't help but know... unless it was part of her plan. Or, to be more precise, the script.
"Counter argument: while that explanation works for her initial absorption she could have chosen to come back at the end of Third Impact though. By that point the threat of human extinction had passed. Instead though she decides to abandon her child yet again and float through the void as space junk."
That's right. An extremely strange plan to counteract instrumentation. Personally, it seemed to me that Miss Ikari simply diverged from Lorentz in certain aspects: not the "Red Earth Ceremony", but, for example, the "Green Water Ceremony". And the rest - she was fine with everything Honestly, Yui may well be the most sinister character in this whole story.
PS: here is my view on the "dark" Yui for my future fika on Eve.
PS 2: I couldn't make this picture smaller, sorry(
- Location
- North Carolina, USA
Here we are with Chapter 37. The kinetic energy that oozes from every passage, man. It captivated and kept every sentence flowing into the next. It was a bit of a challenge picking just a few parts that I really enjoyed.
This feels very Stern in the description, the straightforward sharp focused choice of words. It's also very immediate.
So creepy and captivating. Makes you unnerved but also wanting to see more.
Great design for these creatures. Not an exact imitation but they invoke stuff we saw in canon like the junked EVA units and the MPEs.
Really love how these two have developed. They are unsure about their feelings for different reasons but they still fumble to connect as best they can.
I see this at several points in BnB but this is the clearest one. You humanize Stern a lot by showing his worry and having to get Mana to boost his certainty.
Good action. It has a rhythm without being repetitive.
Mysterious but with undeniable hidden menace soon to come. I would love to know your inspiration for the terror orb.
Your memory illusions manifesting were all conveyed great but this one is my fave of them all. Tears running down, scene fell in front of her. Feels so inescapable and grim.
Kiel, you fucking drama queen.
Valkyrie is in the house! She needs some art commissioned of her.
That shape changing, it's surreal in a way that is very suited to NGE.
Your cliffhangers never disappoint.
This feels very Stern in the description, the straightforward sharp focused choice of words. It's also very immediate.
So creepy and captivating. Makes you unnerved but also wanting to see more.
Great design for these creatures. Not an exact imitation but they invoke stuff we saw in canon like the junked EVA units and the MPEs.
Really love how these two have developed. They are unsure about their feelings for different reasons but they still fumble to connect as best they can.
I see this at several points in BnB but this is the clearest one. You humanize Stern a lot by showing his worry and having to get Mana to boost his certainty.
Good action. It has a rhythm without being repetitive.
Mysterious but with undeniable hidden menace soon to come. I would love to know your inspiration for the terror orb.
Your memory illusions manifesting were all conveyed great but this one is my fave of them all. Tears running down, scene fell in front of her. Feels so inescapable and grim.
Kiel, you fucking drama queen.
Valkyrie is in the house! She needs some art commissioned of her.
That shape changing, it's surreal in a way that is very suited to NGE.
Your cliffhangers never disappoint.
- Location
- North Carolina, USA
Gonna covering my thoughts on Interlude #14 and the last section of chapter 37. Overall thoughts first. The surreal twist of the coffee shop AU being something caused by the Angel enveloping Shinji feels very in with the trippy sequences in cabin Eva while still being unmistakably something you crafted with it's own unique depths.
Asuka, you're too much even in fantasy sequences.
I like the shift here. You built the sentences to carry that realization and the dread it carries.
So unsettling, I love it.
Kinetic prose here. The scene crackled as much as the fire.
Epic word choice there with "silence reigned." It feels earned.
Another great example of building dawning horrified awareness.
I appreciate how Kiel manages to talk so self importantly even though he's about to die. I wonder how prepared he is, he was for failing in his plans.
The sharp brevity Stern shows...is it how or what he says that upsets Kiel more?
Couldn't imagine this exchange any other way. Excellent.
My favorite details here are the envy in Rei's voice and the way Shinji corrected himself saying loved then love.
Badass and heartwarming finish!
Asuka, you're too much even in fantasy sequences.
I like the shift here. You built the sentences to carry that realization and the dread it carries.
So unsettling, I love it.
Kinetic prose here. The scene crackled as much as the fire.
Epic word choice there with "silence reigned." It feels earned.
Another great example of building dawning horrified awareness.
I appreciate how Kiel manages to talk so self importantly even though he's about to die. I wonder how prepared he is, he was for failing in his plans.
The sharp brevity Stern shows...is it how or what he says that upsets Kiel more?
Couldn't imagine this exchange any other way. Excellent.
My favorite details here are the envy in Rei's voice and the way Shinji corrected himself saying loved then love.
Badass and heartwarming finish!
- Location
- North Carolina, USA
Something I thought of before and I'm sharing now. This song, I feel, is absolutely perfect for the heartbreaking death scenes in BnB.
View: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=VJhgwxSTHDs
You are electricity
And you are light
You are sound itself
And you are flight...
View: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=VJhgwxSTHDs
You are electricity
And you are light
You are sound itself
And you are flight...
- Location
- Canada
Thanks, that was definitely the intention, to draw something new but have reminiscent of something from canon its inclusion doesn't feel too off.
Its a funny moment and one I debated a lot back and forth if it worked or not. Its a bit cheesy but does provide some levity to a rather grim chapter and honestly does work with Kiels flair for the dramatic especially compared to Sterns more utilitarianism.
Lol would that I could.
Asuka is a lot of fun to write in these kind of social situations, a regret of mine writing this story is that I was always pretty self conscious about getting to the next plot point so I was a little afraid of including too much stuff where characters just sort of hung out which in retrospect was a mistake I think. Asuka could have used more scenes with her and Shinji or Kaworu just chilling in class or such.
The firey sword is fun, its a cool image that feels very classic hero, which works on a sort of meta level since you realize Shinjis powers are largely based on his own perceptions so of course he would default to a classic heroic archetype.
New chapter is outlined, gonna work on it slowly, life continues to be busy and exciting, not sure I should apologize too much for that. After this Touji digression I will try to return to the main plot and figure out where I am going. I do want to finish this story but I want to do it in a way that is rewarding for all parties.
- Location
- North Carolina, USA
Alright! Chapter 38! I was really feeling this one. You really made the environments enmesh with the feelings going around in everyone's heads and there was legit a part where I had to put a hand on my chest and just take it all in.
There's great buildup here. You give each step of these the right level of emphasis. Good sense of rhythm!
Shinji Ikari in The Bourne Identity! Again, noticing you had a good selection of visual and auditory details in here and in the next excerpt I'm commenting on.
The memories before he jumps don't drag, they feel like they fit. And I like how the no is so short and direct after that tense rumination.
Pffft. Cute little moment.
Heh. There's some mild levity that I appreciate. It keeps Touji feeling grounded.
Ooh, sparing use of spoken words but with much more physical action. It makes the scene quietly intense, reading it now.
Question 'skewering' him is a great word choice. It's painfully powerful.
Awww, Touji!
Ooh yeah, this whole exchange had me feeling something intense, the hand on chest moment I mentioned before. Love that message coming in clear enough through the weak phone. It's a good metaphor.
This hurt in a good way to read. How difficult was it getting this part down? Or did it come to you easily?
I know she's resigned to it. But the reality of her death coming soon still leaves cracks in me to read.
Geez, that's beautiful. And it's going to be the last time they talk, isn't it?
Misato is so frayed emotionally here. I suspect things will hit her hard again very soon.
The little bit in passing about her ease at lying, next to the rest of what she says...the contrast is sharp enough to tear through. Really spot-on Rits.
I don't know what the twinkling is but I know it's sinister!
There's great buildup here. You give each step of these the right level of emphasis. Good sense of rhythm!
Shinji Ikari in The Bourne Identity! Again, noticing you had a good selection of visual and auditory details in here and in the next excerpt I'm commenting on.
The memories before he jumps don't drag, they feel like they fit. And I like how the no is so short and direct after that tense rumination.
Pffft. Cute little moment.
Heh. There's some mild levity that I appreciate. It keeps Touji feeling grounded.
Ooh, sparing use of spoken words but with much more physical action. It makes the scene quietly intense, reading it now.
Question 'skewering' him is a great word choice. It's painfully powerful.
Awww, Touji!
Ooh yeah, this whole exchange had me feeling something intense, the hand on chest moment I mentioned before. Love that message coming in clear enough through the weak phone. It's a good metaphor.
This hurt in a good way to read. How difficult was it getting this part down? Or did it come to you easily?
I know she's resigned to it. But the reality of her death coming soon still leaves cracks in me to read.
Geez, that's beautiful. And it's going to be the last time they talk, isn't it?
Misato is so frayed emotionally here. I suspect things will hit her hard again very soon.
The little bit in passing about her ease at lying, next to the rest of what she says...the contrast is sharp enough to tear through. Really spot-on Rits.
I don't know what the twinkling is but I know it's sinister!
- Location
- North Carolina, USA
Sorry for the delays. I'm finally commenting on Chapter 39. And ooh man. Everything is lunging relentlessly forward. I can feel things falling apart for everyone. So many little details showing Shinji's state of mind and the strain he's under, the way he keeps soldiering on.
Man, I love this opening for the chapter. Sets the stage perfectly and it notes how unsure Shinji is about the state of his humanity. You're so good at emphasizing that!
Ooh, man. You're so cold, Kunohama. Imagining scenarios where she just can't stop seguing into jabs at Gendo no matter what the conversation now.
I love the ways that Shinji is frustrated with the conspiracies around him and how you mingled that into his conflicted feelings about Kaworu. Repeating myself but you always marry these different things together so well.
Shinji's not convincing himself, is he? He's absolutely not convincing me, either. That sympathy isn't going to leave so easily, Shinji.
Such a grumpy feuding boy here. I like how it feels like a small personal feud in the middle of everything apocalyptic.
Oooh. Man, this is a great line. Did you think of it right away or did it take time?
He still wants to think about this rationally as much as is possible. Is it a control issue for Shinji? It makes him feel more secure to think of it that way?
Great description with all those physical details and an appropriate way to illustrate the transition he's making.
Simple but evocative. The best way to describe this sort of thing in a story.
Pound my heart with spiked brass knuckles, why don't you?
I don't get the references in some of these flashes but I still love this and the glimpse that showed right before it.
This feels like a natural realization and it even manages to give a touch of humor to this grave part of the story.
Appreciate this glimpse of young Yui. It's a fascinating contrast to the way Gendo and Kunohama talked about her.
You can't put all the blame on Gendo for ruining this family get-together, Kunohama.
A quick and vicious way to end her. I'll miss you, Kunohama. You were sinister and manipulative but you were also a fascinating addition to this story.
Yes! More absolutely perfect confrontational dialogue.
Oh man. I like the vulnerability Gendo is showing but also, it feels calculated.
Another really poignant image. They come so naturally in this story, at least they feel that way to me.
Knew it was calculated! Knew it!
Rei! You're so great!
Man, I love this opening for the chapter. Sets the stage perfectly and it notes how unsure Shinji is about the state of his humanity. You're so good at emphasizing that!
Ooh, man. You're so cold, Kunohama. Imagining scenarios where she just can't stop seguing into jabs at Gendo no matter what the conversation now.
I love the ways that Shinji is frustrated with the conspiracies around him and how you mingled that into his conflicted feelings about Kaworu. Repeating myself but you always marry these different things together so well.
Shinji's not convincing himself, is he? He's absolutely not convincing me, either. That sympathy isn't going to leave so easily, Shinji.
Such a grumpy feuding boy here. I like how it feels like a small personal feud in the middle of everything apocalyptic.
Oooh. Man, this is a great line. Did you think of it right away or did it take time?
He still wants to think about this rationally as much as is possible. Is it a control issue for Shinji? It makes him feel more secure to think of it that way?
Great description with all those physical details and an appropriate way to illustrate the transition he's making.
Simple but evocative. The best way to describe this sort of thing in a story.
Pound my heart with spiked brass knuckles, why don't you?
I don't get the references in some of these flashes but I still love this and the glimpse that showed right before it.
This feels like a natural realization and it even manages to give a touch of humor to this grave part of the story.
Appreciate this glimpse of young Yui. It's a fascinating contrast to the way Gendo and Kunohama talked about her.
You can't put all the blame on Gendo for ruining this family get-together, Kunohama.
A quick and vicious way to end her. I'll miss you, Kunohama. You were sinister and manipulative but you were also a fascinating addition to this story.
Yes! More absolutely perfect confrontational dialogue.
Oh man. I like the vulnerability Gendo is showing but also, it feels calculated.
Another really poignant image. They come so naturally in this story, at least they feel that way to me.
Knew it was calculated! Knew it!
Rei! You're so great!
- Location
- National Capital Region, USA
'Make him pay'... you're not looking at just this guy, are you, Touji? Got a bit too much anger just on a low boil...
Shouldn't you be bitching about the British, then?
Not so secret? NERV's infosec s not doing so great in this world if they can't keep something like that a bit more quiet.
Come on, Touji. You know your gf isn't the only lady in Japan with that name. You were going to run into it some time sooner or later. It is rather jarring to meet it right here, though, isn't it? How did you get this far into a conversation with her without either asking her name or reading her nametag?
Er.... Touji, none of these idiot would-be mugger kids has a gun in their bag and a plan to hunt down and murder someone for shooting their father. We assume. You're not like them anymore...
A hospital should be lower on your list of things to worry about right now than the police! Gunshots aren't exactly common in Japan, not this long after Second Impact's reverberations have died down. A gunshot is going to get the neighbors calling the cops, and they're going to come looking. Get moving away from this alley, pronto.
Ooof... human life was cheap right after Second Impact, but this is pretty low. OTOH, it sadly probably wasn't that hard at all for Yamato and his men to find three disposable orphans or refugee kids that no one would miss.
Great plan, Touji. 'Go look in an entire city up north, shoot this woman'. But Touji's not exactly doing much clear and rational thinking on this entire trip.
I can't draw very well but I can run Stable Diffusion and force a neural network to. Have a BnB!Asuka
no.
Pink Flamingo Cabal Grand Vizier
- Location
- Pennsylvania
I am fairly interested to see how some of these side characters' plots wrap up. Evangelion is a weird story in that the petty drama is arguably more important than the impending end of the world, and in a thematic sense is framed as causing it, at least metaphorically. So in a way, these street-level side plots might give us a glimpse into where all the cosmic stuff is going.
Edit: And wow, that's a very good Asuka. Definitely fits the vibe this version of the character has.
Edit: And wow, that's a very good Asuka. Definitely fits the vibe this version of the character has.
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More Stable Diffusion fun, how about a wallpaper of the gang?
- Location
- Canada
Really amazing work dude, they really have an energy to them thank you very much. I should give an update while I am here, I am about 11-12 thousand words into the second Touji bit, hopefully I can get it out by the end of December (tho if I can't I am not going to torture myself over it) then I am going back to the main event so to speak.More Stable Diffusion fun, how about a wallpaper of the gang?
I am going to leave the last BNB chapter up but I will be starting from when Asuka and Shinji emerge from Valkyrie and go from there. Plot wise, I don't think it will be significantly different than what I posted before, just longer form and with room to breathe and be itself. A major reason I got stressed writing before was constantly thought I was moving too fast but also not fast enough, desperate to cover the plot points I had in my notes but unable to do them justice. I hope I can do better this time and write as it comes and take whatever time it needs. Thank you all who are still reading and interested.
Gosh, it's been some time since I posted here. *sees Kaworu thumbnails at page landing* Ooh! Nice going, ^2. There have been swift improvements in the Stable Diffusion swing of things. Should users want to check out some examples, Baughn has an art thread and has recently recruited other artists like Slayers to the cause.
Tracking back to where we are in the fic! Glad to see Touji getting some love. And surely, while he was relying the last update or so upon train connections to track down Yukina, it finally clicks that there is a sibling in the Hikari family who, if not already scooped up to work down in Hakone, probably would have sighted T while doing a few commercials for the Shinkansen service.
Would you believe, I finally grasp the origin of minor character Kodama Horaki and it is shocking to have missed this! Thank you, Alex, for telling me the other day. Look how tall she is compared to Hikari!
Henkei Robo promotional
I hope we get to see more of her, not necessarily piloting something as expensive as an Evangelion, but maybe operating the heavy machinery needed to recover them.
Tracking back to where we are in the fic! Glad to see Touji getting some love. And surely, while he was relying the last update or so upon train connections to track down Yukina, it finally clicks that there is a sibling in the Hikari family who, if not already scooped up to work down in Hakone, probably would have sighted T while doing a few commercials for the Shinkansen service.
Would you believe, I finally grasp the origin of minor character Kodama Horaki and it is shocking to have missed this! Thank you, Alex, for telling me the other day. Look how tall she is compared to Hikari!
Henkei Robo promotional
I hope we get to see more of her, not necessarily piloting something as expensive as an Evangelion, but maybe operating the heavy machinery needed to recover them.
- Location
- North Carolina, USA
It's been too long since I shared my thoughts but I'm back for big chapter 40. Well, it's not the longest chapter but it feels big, for the major turning points it throws out. It's like some kind of molten metal being poured a mold shaped like a heart. It didn't drag. The length felt proper and the moments felt earned. Let's get to some specific parts I enjoyed especially.
I like that you managed to put a palpable physical description to something so abstract and trippy. Even though it still feels really out there, what he's doing, there's that aspect to keep it grounded.
Spooky imagery. Makes me think of Resident Evil or Silent Hill.
I love the vulnerability you instill in Asuka here and how conflicted Misato is. You do both in passing but they are still very vivid.
More good use of physical sensation description. More weight to the memory than a blurry picture.
Oh man. That's good hurt.
SHINJI USED EMOTION DUMP! IT'S SUPER EFFECTIVE.
I do like how he decided on it so resolutely, he seemed ready to make it happen.
Yesssss. I love how far they've come even just from that snippet.
Oh that's cute. And I like the contrast you have with their relationship and how fraught Asuka and Shinji's is.
I think this is my favorite part of the chapter for sheer impact of the dialogue. It's tremendous. I don't know any other way to describe it.
Heart-breaking ending for the chapter. Reading it again, I covered my mouth and just felt...really hollow and shaken for a second.
I like that you managed to put a palpable physical description to something so abstract and trippy. Even though it still feels really out there, what he's doing, there's that aspect to keep it grounded.
Spooky imagery. Makes me think of Resident Evil or Silent Hill.
I love the vulnerability you instill in Asuka here and how conflicted Misato is. You do both in passing but they are still very vivid.
More good use of physical sensation description. More weight to the memory than a blurry picture.
Oh man. That's good hurt.
SHINJI USED EMOTION DUMP! IT'S SUPER EFFECTIVE.
I do like how he decided on it so resolutely, he seemed ready to make it happen.
Yesssss. I love how far they've come even just from that snippet.
Oh that's cute. And I like the contrast you have with their relationship and how fraught Asuka and Shinji's is.
I think this is my favorite part of the chapter for sheer impact of the dialogue. It's tremendous. I don't know any other way to describe it.
Heart-breaking ending for the chapter. Reading it again, I covered my mouth and just felt...really hollow and shaken for a second.
Maya: What? This is strictly a working relationship!
Ritsuko: [cough]
[/cough]But yeah, I really don't know how the pilots are going to process losing Makinami and the looming threat of 3rd Impact all in the same sitting.
- Location
- Canada
Yeah grief and loss can really eat at you inside, especially when you have no real sense of closure or outlet for your feelings. He got plenty of sympathy from people after his dad died, but he didn't have any way to talk about what happened or process how he felt about it.
I mean... yes theoretically it would be top priority for them to keep the fact that one or more of their pilots went missing a secret (First Asuka then Shinji) and I am sure they try but the NERV and the geofront are huge operations with vast amount of contractors, employees and staff on hand, some of whom are super loyal to NERV and some not. Given the stakes I would not be surprised if people started to talk.
Oh yeah he's in a very wounded primal place acting more out of base instinct then reason because reason might tell him what hes doing is wrong.
Yeah its a complicated situation with no good answers. Misato treating Asuka like that and her being pushed harder and harder way more than a child ever should is absolutely not acceptable but at the same time Misato knows that if she refuses than she will just get replaced by someone who will so maybe its better for everyone if she does it and helps how she can? At least that's her reasoning.
A good moment of Waff and genuine love and connection between the two after so much darkness depression and suffering.
Yeah I think I said it before but Shinji using magic alien sci powers to jump into use the scrolls to view the multiverse, come to a cosmic realization and then jump into Valkyrie for a heart to heart is a lot to do and a lot to take in. There had to be some kind of narrative cost to it all, something to remind the audience and the characters that this is still a universe with consequences and stakes.
Heh well I did write another chapter after which covers their immediate reactions but if you want to wait for the more indepth redux I am going to start work on in January you are more than welcome to.Maya: What? This is strictly a working relationship!
Ritsuko: [cough]
But yeah, I really don't know how the pilots are going to process losing Makinami and the looming threat of 3rd Impact all in the same sitting.
Touji part 2 is done, at least the first draft. I will try to get it out by the end of the month then start work on the main plot next year. I also kinda want to try and get this on A3O and FFN or Sb to broaden its reach so it might take a little while to copy paste and edit the old chapters. Thanks again all for all the love and support.
I would indeed like to wait on that, as there is so much to explore. I would like to respond instead with offering one cursory viewpoint should you want to attach some of the character's own assertions to it.
I am going to throw in some in-line spoilers here for le grand public, many of whom are not familiar with the niche NGE film continuities or not interested with some bozo drawing comparisons to Rebuild...but it bears revisiting as a gauge of pilot fatigue / how important she was to the project both canonically and with BnB.
Considering from one endpoint, canonically, how central Mari is despite the flimsy, briefest cameos throughout Rebuild, whether by being a backup pilot who can sustain unbelievable amounts of damage from Angels and likewise be an anchor emotionally for the traumatized Asuka (I never gathered what she thought of Kaworu but at least in the later movies they didn't single each other out for violence much)...and now swing back over to BnB. We can establish the emotional strain on fans watching Rebuilds 3+ if Mari didn't survive Bardiel or whatnot but now multiply that by how much more of the operation she managed, and how she is taken out earlier in the timeline when 3I is still looming and the top two pilots don't even have their feet on the ground after rematerializing yet. I think it is closer to some of the time skip "mood swings" found in Rebuild, particularly Misato's bitterness in Rebuild 3 and 4 because Kaji tried to salvage the project during near Third Impact and it blew up in his face.
In all fairness, this could be exponentially worse than the JSSDF laying siege like in the opening act of End of Eva.
Merry Christmas, have festive Reibecca
View: https://twitter.com/Rei_mhbzeva/status/1606589441518473217?s=20&t=f0oBb_AI5KetJ5Ga8vqC-g
View: https://twitter.com/Rei_mhbzeva/status/1606589441518473217?s=20&t=f0oBb_AI5KetJ5Ga8vqC-g
- Location
- Canada
Thanks man. Merry Christmas to all and I hope everyone has a wonderful and hopeful new year.
Touji's story part 2
- Location
- Canada
Touji's Story
Touji....
Touji...
Touji Touji Touji Touji...
Muddled voices swirled around the boy as he tried to push through the dense fog around him, his steps slow and clumsy as he stumbled through the misty dreamscape around him. No single one was recognizable in the choir for long before being subsumed and blended with the others. Hikari and his sister were the loudest and most frequent calling out to him just beyond reach, but they were far from alone. His old math teacher scolded him for his laziness like she had a thousand times before, his nurses whispered and chittered as they had in the days after the first attack, gossiping about him and his family when they thought he was too dazed from the pain to hear.
Next was the the girl from the subway, her eyes still soaked with tears as she clutched the hem of her skirt, trying not to look the fool when she knew no one was coming to help her.. The other Hikari... the waitress came and went as well, a warm sweet smell coming with her, like half forgotten memories of his mother...
Touji... wait for dinner, Touji...
But he could not run from Yukina or at least what his mind could scrape together of the girl, his anger and loss having no target but images from the smudgy pin ups Matsuda had given him. He drudged forward, trying to find anywhere to be but here as the woman his mind had created threatened to eat all the rest.
Touji... do you want me Touji?
The voice was low and sultry, whispering softly into his ear as Touji felt a hand on his chest, feeling his heart beat through his skin.
Do you want me Touji?
The voice became louder and louder until she was crying out in pain and agony his ears, the hand on his chest tight and hot as it grabbed him in a vice.
"Get up..."
Touji grunted, his consciousness being dragged kicking and screaming into the waking world one firm poke at a time.
"Come on, get up."
Touji opened one eye, regretted it but soon opened the other at the express direction of the broom handle that was being jabbed at his chest.
"There we go, up we get."
Touji looked up to see a middle aged woman currently wielding the broom pressed against his chest. She looked tired and in no mood to argue, wearing a black apron tied loosely around her body and speckled red bandana covering her greying hair.
"I don't care where you go, but you can't stay here. Bums drive away customers."
"I'm not..." Touji tried to pull himself up from his seat against the brick wall, his body vehemently objecting to the idea as it reminded the boy of all of the previous nights cuts and bruising. "I'm not homeless. I'm just... a bit far off." Touji looked around the alley as he pulled himself up, grateful the weird lump he was sitting on was his backpack.
"Great, then find your way back there and don't sleep in front of my shop, okay?" The woman's voice calmed a bit as the boy began to move, even carrying a hint of empathy among the frustration as she held out a hand to steady the wobbly youth.
"Gotta do something first, but... yeah, that's the plan." Not sure what else to say Touji took a step and then another down the alley towards the road, rolling his neck and his shoulders to try to shake out the ache now present all over his body. It wasn't long before he noticed how ripped and tattered his jacket was from last night, his metal arm exposed for anyone to see as he trudged his way through the early morning streets of Sendai, the great statue of the Buddha casting barely a shadow under the grey and overcast sky.
He shivered as he got closer to the port, clutching what remained of his jacket tight against his chest as the cold ocean wind rolled in from the water. It was just the kind of wake up call he needed. Marching through Sendai, seeing the city slowly wake up and come to life around him, Touji could not help but curse himself for every step he had taken since he had arrived. 'Such a fucking idiot...' What would Matsuda think? What would his father think? If the old man called the cops after he left, or if the boys from yesterday were still looking for him or the waitress... Maybe he should just... no.
Touji stopped, pulling himself back to the curb as he realized he had nearly walked into traffic. A transport truck the size of a tank coming up from the harbour barely honked its horn before rolling past his face. There was nothing he could do but go on and pray to whatever was listening, and if Matsuda asked... well the important thing was getting to Yukina. Everything else fell away.
Paying more attention to his surroundings, Touji made his way into the harbour, past a few warehouses and marinas filled with sad looking yachts before making his way into the ferry port, spying from the clock in the board listing routes that it was a little past six thirty.
After taking a moment to wipe the grime from his brow and wipe down his jacket Touji walked to the girl at the booth "One to Sapporo." The words left Toujis lips before he knew he said them as he took out his money, carefully this time, and handed her the bills "Please."
The girl looked barely older than him, if that, cracked glasses framing a tired looking face. Her eyes looked at Touji carefully through the plastic separator looking him over and then down to the bills. Her hand reaching down before hesitating "Are you okay, sir? You... you appear to be..." She motioned to Toujis metal arm and the slow trickle of blood that dripped down its length from the stump where its metal met his flesh.
"I'm fine I just... need one ticket... please." Touji's tone was sharp, almost threatening as it hid barely concealed under a veneer polite professionalism. He adjusted his stance, moving his metal arm behind him before looking around to confirm it was just them in the terminal. Slowly he pushed the wad of cash towards the girl through the gap in the plastic until it was almost out of reach.
"Sir I'm not sure if I should..." she trailed off, her eyes now glancing towards the phone at her desk who's purpose Touji did not have to guess at.
Touji froze then gave a forced smile, reaching back into his pocket for more cash, he remembered Ken complaining about how much his glasses cost to replace after he broke his playing army in the woods and his family was pretty well off. This girl... "I just need one ticket... please..." Touji handed another wad to the girl, easily a half a dozen times bigger than his first.
The girl only hesitated a moment before taking the money and punching in something into the machine in front of her, a pale pink ticket quickly printing out a moment later "Take care, sir..."
Touji didn't say another word, grabbing the ticket stub from the counter and pressing through the terminal to first confirm his dock and then to whatever could be considered a bathroom to clean himself up.
When the flickering light of the room came on, it took Touji a second to recognize himself in the mirror, even ignoring the torn jacket, there were the scrapes and bruises that had darkened through the night and the bags under his eyes that looked like they belonged to a much older man. He had already had his growth spurt, right? He was probably going to look more or less like this for the rest of his life... And then there, below one shoulder, was the thing he had never really gotten used to.
He didn't hate it. It was damn useful, more more useful than just a stump or a solid lump of plastic like mannequin or one of his sisters dolls. And he was grateful, he just... Touji grit his teeth and turned on the tap of the sink full blast, letting the hiss of water splashing against porcelain remind him what he had to do. He was grateful to Shinji and his guardian, but in some ways he had never gotten used to the thing, maybe he never let himself get used to it. It was a tool, a necessary tool maybe, but it wasn't him, it wasn't whatever he was.
Grabbing a handful of paper towels from the dispenser Touji washed himself up as best he could. It was far from ideal but he had to hope it would graduate his status in the eyes of others from dangerous vagrant to unfortunate student with a weird arm.
He was wondering if the place had any vending machines when a staticy message from the PA alerted him to his ferry coming in. Electing to dump the shredded remains of his jacket in one of the trash cans and brave the morning air, Touji made his way out onto the dock, towards the old but functional looking ship pulling up to the dock with the matching number to his ticket.
He gave his ticket to the man waiting for him, shivering for a moment before climbing aboard along side the few others who wanted to make the early voyage. There were students wearing uniforms Touji could only guess at, young boys laughing and smiling as they horsed around near one of the railings. They made Touji think of Ken, and where and what his friend was doing now. 'Better off far from me...' There was a family, a man and wife and young daughter, the man red and wheezing as he struggled and carry their luggage while the wife desperately tried to reign in the daughter from running from one end of the ship to the other. 'Mastside? Prow?' He knew sure prow was one of them. He also knew Kensuke knew far more than that and would tell him in great detail if given the opportunity. There were also a few Touji could only assume were regular travelers, quiet men in grey suits and yellow safety vests that when they sat down, seemed as much a part of the ship as the life preservers or flags strapped to the hull.
The ferry was large, larger than he was expecting if Touji was honest. It was more than a hundred meters long end to end if he had to guess, with far more room aboard its multiple decks than it needed for its fairly meager crew and passengers. Like many things Touji had seen in his travels across Japan thus far the ship was old, likely made and operated before Second Impact. Despite this and in contrast to many other things Touji had seen, it was functional and well kept, at least as far as he could see without descending into the bowels of the beast with its crew. Still, it was obvious it had seen better days. The polished oak bar and stylish restaurant on one of the levels was now closed and replaced with a small commissary that served coffee and sandwiches and the executive business suite locked and unused, a thin layer of dust accumulating on the table and chairs.
The sudden movement of the boat leaving the dock delivered a quick reminder what a lack of sea legs Touji possessed and so he went to one of the upper decks to not look too much like a fool in front of the others. Still, the experience was unique enough he didn't to ignore it completely, standing at the edge of the deck gripping the cold rail with a hand as the ocean air began to wash over him, fresh and icy with a tang of salt that did much to keep Touji awake and alert despite his lack of sleep.
They were far out when it happened, how far Touji could not say but far enough there was nothing but a small sliver of land in the far horizon behind them and endless blue ocean in front of them. It was like floating between worlds, holding onto the edge of a dream, savouring the possibility of the nothing before another something. Then it came, the sun broke through the thick grey clouds and the viscous fog of the early morning and all at once everything seemed to shimmer and glow.
The blue sky ripping through the gloom to reflect upon the glittering water, the golden rays making each bit of errant flotsam kicked up by the ferry sparkle and shine in the crisp air. It was beautiful and perfect and wonderful.
Touji gripped the railing harder, his chest heavy and his legs weak as he took a long sigh desperate to take in as much as he could manage. He could not remember the last time he had seen something so... unmarred. He had seen beauty before, stars hanging over a mid summer sky, the paintings his mother used to do before she got sick... the freckles on Hikari's face when she smiled... when she really smiled.
But this was... different. This wasn't his, this didn't feel compromised by the world around it, no scars or loss or past just... this.
Touji wiped his face, not sure if it was tears or ocean spray which flecked his cheeks. He took a breath, letting the feeling pass before the slow ache of the world returned. 'This will take a few hours, maybe more if we have to stop. Might as well get some rest.' Touji sighed, and turned to go inside, the gray clouds slowly seeping back in front of the sun.
With his phone and music player out of juice Touji had little choice but to let the rest of the cruise blur together into a series of rolling tableauxs and landscapes as he stared out from his perch and listening to the radio from the ships speakers. At some point his tiredness won out over his anxiety and vigilance, leading to a few hours of sleep slumped in one of the plastic chairs in the cafeteria. Eventually they arrived, the morning gloom giving way to a warm glowing midafternoon as they pulled into the harbour just north of Tiene.
Touji tried to leave without too much fanfare, waiting in line behind the family he had come in with, watching as it was the roles were reversed and it was now the mothers turn to haul bags as the father attempted to stop a very bored daughter from sticking crayons into her ears. If he squinted the girl looked a bit like Sakura, not that their father had ever been so doting regarding his sister. 'He loved her and he took care of her, that's enough,' Touji grit his teeth and reminded himself.
His first few hours in the city were notable only in their expense. Not wanting a repeat of Sendai, Touji was quick and efficient about his business, securing a new jacket from a second-hand shop before grabbing a bite to eat and then finally securing a place to stay for... however long he would be here. The city was far larger than Touji thought it would be, ringed by mountains and hills, with extensive parks and green areas to break up the otherwise thick cityscape. Fighting against the building despair at the enormity of his task, Touji retreated back to his hotel. It wasn't an especially fancy place but it was comfortable enough for him to rest and recoup with assurance.
Touji stared up at the ceiling of his room, letting his mind wander as he tried to puzzle out the strange shapes and patterns barely visible underneath the snowstorm of thick white paint that covered all but the inner most edges of the space. There had been something else here before it was clear, but what he was not sure, swirling stars? Swimming Fish? Maybe the swaying branches of cherry tree. He supposed it didn't matter now. He took a long sigh, trying to focus and think about his next step, what resources he had, what leads he could follow and perhaps more importantly what if anything would he do after it was all said and done.
He had been lucky so far, but that luck could run out at any time, it was more than likely that if something went wrong he was going to end up in a locked room smaller than this for the rest of his life... Touji looked around, wishing he had more than the warmed over street food he had snagged earlier. 'Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow...' Touji shook his head. There was no need to scare himself like that. But still... even if all went well and to plan... what then? Could he really just go home and pretend nothing had happened? What would he tell Hikari? Or Sakura? The more he tried to think about home or his place there, the farther it seemed to slip out of his fingers.
Touji's daydream was interrupted by his phone going off, leaving him scrambling off the bed to the outlet on the wall towards his phone that was being charged.
"Hey... I... ah" Touji gulped, not wanting to sound panicked "What's up?"
"Hey kid, I was gonna ask you the same thing, haven't been able to get through to you all day, everything all right?" Matsuda's voice was light but held a tinge of concern over the casualness.
"Ah yeah, I'm fine just forgot to charge my phone, just got to the hotel in Sapporo a little while ago." Touji nodded, sitting on the edge of the bed his stump cradled in his lap.
"No problems in Sendai?" Matsuda asked, speaking up over the sound of what Touji could guess was one of the parlour's pachinko machines "You know I have some friends up that way. I would throw you them their way, but well... you know."
"Yeah, Sendai was fine." Touji lied, trying not to wince at the memory of what happened. "What I saw of it, at least... I wasn't there too long, got in late and then left early the next morning."
"Good boy." Touji could hear Matuda's smile through the phone. "Listen, I don't know what you have already done over there, but I was going through you know who's stuff again... was about to throw it all out when I found something I think you might be interested in."
Touji blinked, he had no idea where he was even going to start looking for Yukina "That's great! I mean..." he dialed his eagerness back not wanting to sound desperate. "Sorry. Yeah, whatever you got that could be useful would be appreciated."
There was a pause and shuffling on the other side of the phone before Matsuda spoke up again. "So as I said when you left, when she started working here working for your dad and I we didn't ask too many questions. Not really the nature of the business, you know... anyway, none of us knew where she might run to after... you know... except that we heard she might have some family up in Hokkaido."
Touji grit his teeth. Matsuda's instructions so far were painfully vague, and only given after he had agreed to go. "Yeah and?"
"Well, as I said I was looking through her stuff and I found this letter, its a bit old but it looks it was from her mom in Sapporo. How about that?" Matsuda chuckled. "I can't imagine she was too proud of where her little girl ended up..."
"Her mother?" Touji gulped, the thought cutting through him like ice. The Yukina in his mind didn't have a mother, she didn't have anything other than a hurt and a hunger and a pain "What did she..."
"I don't know stuff, Touji..." He gave a tired sigh Touji had heard from his father many times. "You gotta focus. You're not getting second thoughts about this, are you? Not after everything that bitch did?"
"No!" Touji barked defensively. "No, I just... sorry. I guess I was just curious that's all. Trust me. I'm... gonna do this."
"Good. Anyway, yeah, the letter has a return address so it might be a good place to start looking. I'll send you the info in a bit."
"Thanks again..." Touji nodded "It's really lucky you found that. Where was it? I thought the cops did a full sweep after they..."
"Touji..." Matsuda's voice was hard and cold. "Don't say anything you don't want being heard, okay? Look, I promise I will fill you in best I can when you get back. 'Til then... eyes on the prize."
"I will, I promise." Touji relented, feeling like a beaten dog. "I won't let you down."
"I know you won't. Were all counting on you kid. Talk later, Touji..."
At that the voice cut off leaving Touji to fall back on his bed. Now he could not see anything above him even if he wanted to.
His phone went off again soon after, Matsuda's information illuminating his screen. He should go, he should hit the streets as soon his arm was charged and he was ready. Bu he didn't, it was already dark and getting darker and Matsuda's words did little to stir the concrete that seemed to be settling in his veins. Instead opting to get a real meal in the small cafe adjoined to the lobby of the hotel and heading out early the next morning.
It was late the next morning when Touji left the hotel, following what instructions the lady at the front desk had given him it would take him a while on the local transit to make it out to the address Matsuda had snagged from that old letter. Giving him plenty of time to think about what he expected to find today as the rolling streetcar beneath him passed from street to street, showing off the city.
It was in a better place than Sendai, at least from what he could glean from the surface, people bustling too and fro in crowded markets and shops, cars and bikes swarming every intersection like schools of fish. There had never been an Angel attack this far north and it showed. There were less scars here, less damage but also less of the ugly militarism that Touji had taken for granted in Tokyo-3. No guns or soldiers marching about, no weapons or supplies hauled along the roads and no helicopters or gunships screaming overhead.
The cost of all this however was not hard to see for the divide between rich and poor was apparent everywhere one looked; gorgeous looking mansions on a hill overlooking tightly packed apartment blocks, wealthy couples enjoying yoga in the park as they were waited on by maids and servants, beautiful looking restaurants and cafes with the elect in front and tired-looking staff out back.
It was somewhere far lower on that ladder Touji was headed, a neighbourhood near the lowest point in the valley, rows after rows of small brown houses, many ill looking and ill kept. Stepping off the bus and onto the well worn street, Touji could not help but wonder about the childhood one could have here.
He rolled his shoulders and kept walking, trying to look like he belonged while paying attention to the street signs, not wanting to get lost if he could help it. Mother... the mention of Yukina's mother was unsettling to say the least. He would try his best not to involve her if possible, the pain of losing a parent was something Touji knew he would hold the rest of his life, the pain of losing a child... He could not bear to imagine.
What was his own mother like? Sometimes he hated himself but he had to wonder, how much of his memories of her were dreams or things he wished were true. Like his big heroic moment with Sakura, so much was things he was told and simply had to take on faith. Mostly he remembered the snow...
The year his mother got sick and then... it was the last one, the last real winter Japan had in a little over ten years, the strange... whatever Second Impact did, solidifying Japan into an endless summer. But that had been after, there had been snow then, when his mother died. He remembered watching it drifting through the sky the night they visited her in the hospital, cold wind raking against the warm, sickly-sweet of the place. He had stared out the window because he had been afraid... not just of her dying but seeing her die, seeing her weak and fading away into the pressed bed sheets of that horrible place. If he looked at her it was real, if he looked he knew it could not be anything else but the end.
Touji looked down at the scrap of paper he had written the address down on, then up to the sign post in front of the condemned house in front of him, checking and confirming for the third time that they were in fact the same. "Fuck..."
He didn't know what he expected to find, but less than nothing was certainly not it. The notice on the door was several years old, Yukina, her family or both could be literally anywhere in the world by now...
Touji shook his head, his pulse racing as he walked down the gravel drive way back towards the road, stopping and swinging on his hips the moment he could not contain his frustration any longer, kicking a beer can stuck in the tall unkempt grass of the lawn as hard as he could while giving a primal scream. Perhaps it was luck or perhaps it was the athlete in him snapping to attention at the worst time, but the can sailed through the air, rolling end over end before smashing into one of the windows on the upper floor.
The sound of shattered glass followed by the clatter of something heavy knocked over snapped Touji back to reality. He looked left and right, thinking for a moment someone would materialize behind him like a million angry teachers when none came he took a long breath, feeling his heart slow its hammering in his chest. His eyes drifted up to the window he broke, noticing it was far from the only broken one. He could go in there, it would be easy Touji thought to himself, planning his route from the side of the garage up to the second floor window he had just broken.
He probably wouldn't find anything amazing, he had to imagine anything worth anything had been taken in the move or picked clean in the intervening years... but it was possible they left some clue some hint where they were going.
Touji took one step and then another placing a hand along the rotten wooden panel next to the garage when a sound let him know he was not alone.
"Hello there. Have you seen my cat?"
Touji turned around, seeing an old woman in the drive way smiling at him as she rested her frame by leaning against her cane.
"Your what?" Touji blinked.
"Small furry thing, four legs, a tail... tends to get itself into trouble." The old woman kept smiling, her violet shawl flapping a bit in the breeze as she stared at him steadily over round glasses perched on the end of her nose.
"I know what a cat is," Touji snorted, unsure what the woman was talking about.
"Then you can help me find it," The old woman nodded, "I live just down the way there, I heard a commotion while I was watering my tomatoes and got worried they had scampered off somewhere again."
"Ah, yeah... sorry, sure I can help." Touji blushed, not wanting to cause any more of a scene than he had to "What does he look like?" He began to look around the front yard of the abandoned house, into the long grass and thick hedges for a scrap of fur.
"I have three of them," the lady got closer, her gaze running over the garden in front of the house and then the ivy running up its side walls "One's a scrappy little red thing, likes to get into fights. One's a pale little white one that loves to whine, and one's a brown one that sulks under my bed half the time..."
Following the woman, Touji went into the backyard of the old house, seeing the abandoned fire pit that might have been used for cook outs and a small pond covered in a layer of dead leaves but it was the stained wooden patio, now cracked and broken in several places that got both their attention, their eyes going to the cracks between planks where a small creature might hide. "Hey kitty kitty kitty hey... what are their names?" Touji asked over his shoulder before peeking down into one of the holes.
"I don't really know, they have never told me," the old woman gave a laugh. "My name is Chiyo, though. At least that's what everyone here calls me." She got closer, her cane knocking against the patio wood. "And you?" the question was still friendly but pointed.
"Touji," the boy grunted before he could think, sticking his hand down one of the hole in the deck and finding only garbage and dust bunnies.
"And why Touji, are you here?" the words were pleasant enough but there was no mistaking their intent. "I've lived here a long time, I know the names and faces of everyone for a mile in every direction. We don't get many people here who come by accident."
Touji pulled his hand out from under the deck, seeing Chiyo stare at him as she sat on the small stone bench beside the pond, her cane errantly poking at the water. "I'm uh..." He gulped, he didn't want to say anything that might get him in trouble but some part of him could not face the idea of starting from scratch again. "I'm actually looking for someone who used to live here."
"Oh?" Chiyo quirked a grey eyebrow "And who would that be?"
"A girl... her name was... is Yukina, I knew her back in Tokyo-3." Touji sputtered, trying to give only the barest amount of information he needed to.
"Oh, you must have been one of her clients, then?" Chiyo gave a sly smile.
Something cold and hard twisted in Touji's stomach. "Client?" he asked, forcing as much civility into his tone he could manage.
"One of her students, she said she had a job as a tutor lined up when she left. I told her to be careful, young woman like her in a big city like that." She shook her head.
"Ah, yeah, she did. I mean she was." Touji gulped, lying as he rubbed the back of his head with his real hand, stuffing his other in his pocket as he sat down on the patio. "Not that I think it did much good..." he chuckled before realizing his phrasing. "Not that she was a bad teacher! I just mean I... I was more interested in basketball and track than... trigonometry or the Meji era."
"Your youth is yours to spend I suppose..." Chiyo smiled wistfully. "So what, you came up here to see her again? It's a pretty long walk from here to Tokyo."
"I just... want to talk to her, if I can." Touji gave a half smile. "I know I wasn't the best student, but... she left pretty abruptly and a lot of things were left unsaid. I would prefer to say them before either of us... fall off the Earth." Touji looked at the old woman, trying to study the dark blue eyes as they stared back at him. "Do you... could you help me with that? Do you know anything that might..."
"Well, I don't think any of my cats are here." Chiyo got up suddenly, tapping her cane on the stone with a crack. "I am pretty peckish, though. Would you join me in some tea and biscuits? I promise they will be among the most edible you have ever had."
Touji blinked, not sure what had just happened. "Ah, yeah, sure I can do that."
"I sure hope you can boy, or I would seriously be worried about your fortitude." Chiyo chuckled and waved Touji to follow her back where they came and then down the lane to another house, much the same to one they came from albeit obviously lived in. "It's not much but it's home..." She smiled as she led Touji up the drive way, up past several cat statues and flower beds. "Watch the bike."
"What bike? I...ow!" Touji tried not to swear as he smacked his shin against a errant bright red bicycle left around the corner of the way, "I didn't know you had kids." Touji hissed, reaching down and rubbing his leg through his track pants.
"Of a sort, far from the first boy to come and visit, I've become a sort of grandmother to the motley bunch that live in these parts." She smiled as they reached the door, fiddling with her keys. "The upside is, I haven't had to mow my own grass or trim my own hedges for years now. Downside is the little buggers like to leave their things all over the place."
Chiyo led Touji inside the house, the smell of baking bread immediately hitting him as he walked through the small lived in home. It was a humble place but well lived, the walls adorned by art of wildly varying type and quality, complex oil on canvas hanging side by side with white parchment smeared by pastel coloured children's fingers. Evidence of the cat's presence was everywhere, from the toys scattered underfoot to the scratching post made of old carpet to the basket full of blankets that sat atop the piano in the corner of the living room.
"Nice place." Touji gave a smile before sitting down on the edge of the well scratched couch. "You said you've been here a while?"
"All my life, or at least the parts I like to remember." Chiyo gave a sad smile as her eyes drifted over the pictures on the mantle before returning to Touji., "Now stay right there and I'll get the tea, you want one sugar or two?"
"I... didn't say I was having any?" Touji blinked, not sure what he was agreeing to.
"Oh hush, everyone needs a cup of tea now and then, especially after travelling as far as you have."
Touji didn't want to argue at that and so let the woman leave him for now, the warmness in the rooming seemingly leaving with her as Touji reminded himself why he was here. This woman knew Yukina and her family, she was her friend or at least friendly. If anyone knew where she was now Chiyo seemed to be it. This was incredibly lucky... so why did Touji feel miserable?
"Mrow?"
Below him at his feet sat a dark brown cat that could indeed be called sad-looking, depressed even, if that was even a thing a cat could be. "Oh there you are." Touji gave a small smile and reached out a hand to the creature, letting it first sniff and inspect his fingers before nuzzling against his knuckles. "Good kitty, don't be so sad. I..."
Before he could finish another cat bolted from its hiding place underneath the cabinet, grabbing the first cat into a full tackle. The two fought for a moment, the red and brown blending into a blur as they bit and scratched until, the third cat arrived, hissing at both until they separated.
"Uh, Chiyo?" Touji spoke up not sure if he should do more. "Your cats are..."
"Oh, don't worry about them, they fight and fight, then make up like it was nothing an hour later," the older woman called back from down the hall, her voice getting louder as she returned with a tray laden with a teapot, two mugs and a plate of cheese scones.
Awfully western, Shinji would love it... Touji thought idly as he took a hearty bite out of one of the biscuits, savouring not the taste but the intention behind it. Homemade food made with love was a rare enough treat for him he tried to enjoy it whenever he could. His mother... after his mother.. his father was no chef, not that he had the time to even if he was, leaving the three of them to subsist on frozen dinners, supplemented by take out and the occasional vegetable. He had had several meals with Hikari's family in the last few chaotic months since his fathers death, but it was getting harder and harder to enjoy them given the growing judgment on the other side of the table.
They had been friendly enough at first, even welcoming. But when it became clear he couldn't be pushed into being the type of boy they wanted for their daughter, a chill soon set into the air, one Touji was glad to escape. "So... you knew Yukina?"
"I should, I was her teacher after all." Chiyo gave a sad smile before grabbing the piano stool from the corner and sitting down across from Touji, pouring them both large mugs of sweet brown tea. "I might still have one of her old favourite finger puppets in my garage... though you'll forgive me if I don't dig them out right this minute."
"What was she like?" Touji asked, taking a sip of his tea and enjoying the taste better than the scone. "Back then, I mean."
"Sweet but quite shy. Not that's particularly special among young kids, but you kinda hope they outgrow it." Chiyo sighed, letting her mind wander. "Her family was quite strict and that rubbed off on her. It didn't matter how many times I told her to call me Chiyo, it was 'yes, Miss Saki" this and "thank you, Miss Saki that."
Touji smiled. "A friend of mine has the opposite problem. Grew up calling his adoptive mom her first name so he got used to it. Got into trouble moving to Japan."
Chiyo laughed. "I imagine that would, yes. Yukina's father.. he was in the army before he had Yukina and then became a cop so... well I guess it's no surprise where it came from... The old woman laughed. "Yukina's mother once told me the only place he didn't wear a uniform was in the bathtub." She shook her head sadly, the mirth fading from her voice. "You want to know about Yukina, he's... well he's obviously not everything but he's the mouth everything else came out of."
"I see... " Touji was not sure what exactly the old woman was talking about. "You mean she was a daddy's girl"
"Oh yes, for a long time yes. Yukina loved her mother, but adored her father. There's nothing taller in the world than a parent in the eyes of a child and Yukina had that more than most."
"Had?" Touji held the word in his hand like it was the key to everything he wanted "What happened?"
Chiyo gave a bitter laugh. "Second Impact happened, or it might be better to say, what Second Impact allowed to happen. Before that day, Yukina's father mostly handed out parking tickets and guarded subway turnstiles. After... I don't think I need to tell you how bad it got after. All of a sudden everything was on fire and there were far more mouths to feed than there were things to feed them. Overnight the mask fell off and the cops and the army went from rescuing cats from trees to... dispersing crowds and subduing rioters." She practically spat the words. "I wish I could tell you Yunkina's father did not take to his new position with gusto but lying is one of those things that only feels uglier when you get older so I try to avoid it if I can."
Touji was not sure to say to that instead taking another bite of scone before mumbling "It was a hard time for everyone." It was rote, but it came out easy. He had heard it all his life and now it was his turn to repeat it. "My father... It was a hard time for everyone."
Chiyo rolled her eyes a bit at the comment but continued "He tried to protect her as best he could, but one day well... the truth tends to come out eventually. One day her and her friends were walking home from school and decided to have a walk in a part of town they didn't normally go to and stumbled on her father and his friends dealing with some looters..." Chiyo shook her head. "What a word, eh? Everytime something awful happens, when the food disappears or the jobs go away or students are pushed around 'looters and rioters' seem to spring up out of the ground fully formed." She gave a bitter laugh, the age showing on her face for the first time since Touji met her.
Touji nodded "We had... or have plenty of that in Tokyo-3, after an Angel attacks theres so much destruction and death and... loss. People's homes and business and all that just gone, of course they are gonna take what they can get, they don't know if they are ever going to get the chance again." He shook his head. "But then when they crack down they act like this isn't our home, like we came in from the blue like the Angels did."
"Something broke in Yukina that day, something that never really healed. She would try, and her father would try, back and forth to mend things but it never worked, the pain cut too deep and his image fell too far. She got into trouble more than not, and he responded the only way knew how, a firm hand. Eventually she had to leave and after spending some time bouncing around various friends places decided to leave for Tokyo-3 to stay with her friend Hitomi and to try and become a tutor." She smiled at that but then stopped, wiping her eyes and turning to Touji. "look at you, you've got an old woman rambling."
Touji clenched his teeth. 'Hitomi. She was Yukina's friend, wasn't she? Back at dad's... place.' The only other thing he knew about her was that she died when that Angel bombarded the city with fire, the one Kensuke snuck out to film with Sakura. "Sorry. It's fine, we all get like that sometimes..." Touji gave a half smile. "I heard my dad say to a friend of his, these days the only thing you can really do is look back at the past and wonder."
Chiyo gave Touji a sad look "Maybe if you're old and grey like me. You, Yukina Hitomi, all you kids... you've got your whole lives ahead of you. You've gotta figure out what that means." Her eyes drifted over to Touji for a moment, apraisng him before flicking over to the corner. "Oh, get out of there I just..." Chiyo got up, knocking her mug of tea off the edge of her seat and onto Touji's leg.
"Ah!" the boy hissed, his body going straight as he lurched out of his seat, his metal hand reaching out from his pocket instinctively to wipe off some of the hot liquid.
"I'm so sorry! Let me get that..." Chiyo grabbed a cloth and started to wipe what was left off the boys pant leg and couch cushion. "Sorry, I guess I am just used to living alone after all these years."
"It's fine, it's fine..." Touji sputtered but the damage was done and the secret was out, both their eyes were drawn down to his cybernetic hand.
"Now, that's something you don't see everyday." Chiyo's voice was quite surprised, whatever she had suspected Touji was hiding in his pocket it wasn't this.
"Come to Tokyo-3, we got a lot of strange shit you won't believe." He gave a bitter laugh. "Sorry."
"No, no, it's fine. I guess it makes sense. The way people talk about that place it sounds like the Emerald City. How did you... if you don't mind?"
Touji thought about it for a moment but then remembered Nomura and how he had poured his heart out to a stranger. How stupid and weak he had been after a helping hand and a sad story. "Actually, I would prefer not to." He bit his tongue, realizing his position. He was two cups of tea and three scones into this conversation and had yet to acrue any actual information as to where in Sapporo, if she even was in Sapporo at all, Yukina was. He needed something. He needed to turn the tables, he needed... a story. "I don't like talking about it. Yukina was one of the only people who didn't... stare, you know?"
Chiyo nodded at that. "She's been through a lot, I'm not surprised she didn't gawk. How did you two...?"
"It was my dad," Touji started, feeling something run up his spine as he sat upright on the couch. "He grew up poor and worked as hard as he could for my sister and I, so when I started flunking classes he... wasn't pleased to say the least. But he cared enough to ask around for someone who could help and through another parent at our school met Yukina."
Touji had to repress a smile as he saw Chiyo lean forward, now her time to listen. "I hope you know its not something every parent can afford, especially these days."
"Well... like you said. We spend our youths as we choose and spend the rest of our lives regretting it."
"That's not exactly what I said, but..."
"Sorry. I guess..." Touji ground his teeth, trying to think of something, anything that might help him. All at once with a twist of his stomach it was clear. "I guess regret is just on my mind. The truth is... I really fucked up with Yukina and I want to say I'm sorry."
The old woman adjusted her glasses, something in her eyes fluttered at the edge of sympathy and cynicism. "Oh?"
'Hikari forgive me...' "I fell in love with her." Touji looked down at his scuffed shoes, shame both real and pantomime evident on his face. "She was just doing her job just trying to be nice and I... was a stupid teenage boy who confused one thing for another. One day... a couple months ago I confessed and... it didn't go well to say the least." He shook his head trying to keep the tea and scones down as his stomach churned. "I could been mature about it and let it be but I didn't. I went to my dad and lied, I said she was an awful teacher and that's why my grades weren't improving."
"So that's why she made such a hasty return home." Chiyo's voice barely tried to hide the scorn building at its edges. "You didn't just ruin her job with you, you might have ruined all of them."
"I swear..." Touji looked up from his shoes, his hands clasped in front of him "I didn't mean to do... all of that. I was stupid and cruel but... I didn't think it would be this bad for her."
Chiyo shook her head, clearly not impressed "So that's why you're here? To say sorry for killing her job and being..."
"An asshole? Yeah, but not just that..." Touji reached inside his jacket and pulled out his money, now organized and wrapped in a thick rubber band "Her and my dad agreed for her to tutor me all this year and next summer. I broke that agreement when I lied to him. This is the rest of the money I owe her, plus some more for all the other tutoring jobs she lost because of me, and some more for the move and general... shitiness."
The old woman took a look at the wad of cash and cocked her head before Touji put it away. "Where did you get all that?"
Touji shrugged. "Two part time jobs and a bunch of loans I am going to spend the next few years paying off. I know it's not as much as she deserves but..."
"I am sure she will appreciate it. A waitress's salary is barely enough to tread water, if that."
'Waitress?' Touji nodded, trying not to look excited as he finally began making progress "I hope so, It's the least I can do after everything." He took a moment and breathed deep before looking up at Chiyo and finally asking. "Can you tell me where Yukina is now?"
Chiyo took a long breath, her hands idly rubbing at her ring finger as she looked out her cats, now contentedly curled up into a ball under the piano. "I just want to ask you one more thing Touji. You said before you fell in love with her... do you still do?"
Touji gave a tired sigh. "No, I don't. She made her feelings very clear and I have had more than enough time to accept them and move on. This isn't some big romantic attempt to win her over, its just... I just want to do the right thing by her and my dad." Another twinge in his stomach as truth and lie sloshed together with so much tea.
"She works downtown in one of the dozen coffee shops in Chikaho, an underground shopping mall linking the downtown station to Susukino. I can't remember which one, but I am sure you will find her if you look."
The information given, Chiyo deflated a bit in her seat. Touji wasn't sure if it was the saying it that made her look older or the orange rays of the setting sun beaming through the curtains but when Touji stood up she looked half the woman he had been so afraid of earlier.
"Thank you. I should ahhh... probably get going before I eat all your food." He tried to give a half smile as he got up, zipping up his jacket and flicking off the crumbs that had been collecting on his lap.
"Tell Yukina I said hello." Chiyo gave a weak smile. "We didn't talk much last time I saw her. She came back to stare at her old house like you were. I am not sure what she was looking for, but I hope she found it."
Touji nodded again, not sure what to say as he made his way out, careful not to trip on fallen cat toy before looking at an old photograph wedged in between a child's drawing of a snowman and a dream catcher made of purple and orange string. It was Chiyo, standing smiling in front of a group children, beside her a white woman with short blond hair and a worn leather jacket. "A friend of yours?"
"A girlfriend, actually." Chiyo smiled and joined him staring at the photo. "She was an exchange student from America that... well.... she was the light of my life... for the time she was in it."
"I'm sorry." Touji said, not sure what else to say, not sure what to think either but to ponder idly if the blonde in the photo was the source of Chiyo's love of tea and scones.
"Don't be, I'm too old for regret. Its a weight I just can't carry anymore. There are things I would done differently and things I wish didn't happen at all... but its all my life in the end. Good and bad." She smiled and gave Touji a half hug around his shoulders. "You should get going. The buses get really unpredictable around here after dark."
"Thanks again for everything." Touji gave a small bow of he head and left, careful not to smack his shin on the bike this time.
He was two blocks away when he could not take it anymore, everything spilling out in a mess of sick splashing against the pavement.
'What am I doing?'
The ride back to the hotel was a long dark blur with transportation just as inconsistent as the old woman had warned him about. Some part of him, the part that liked to scold him like his old math teacher told him he should go to Chikaho now, to scope out the place and maybe find Yukina working a late shift. He was on a timer after all, the longer he waited the bigger the chance Yukina would connect up with Chiyo again, at which point Yuikina would surely be told of Touji's arrival and then disappear again this time without the slightest scrap of evidence to track her down.
But he didn't and perhaps couldn't. The ache in his stomach only grew and migrated along his body, his feet feeling like blocks of cement he dragged behind him by the time he reached the lobby of the hotel. How could he be so... that? It was far from the first time he had lied to someone. Even Hikari had not been immune to it from time to time, especially when it came to the subject of his father. But he had never and never expected it to come so easily, so readily like the lies were always there waiting for him in his back pocket like Matsuda's gun or the crumpled cash.
Touji fell forward on the edge of the bed, desperate for these feelings to be gone one way or another. He slept, but not well, dreaming of dreaming and wishing for more the great weight of his father pressing down on him until he struggled to breathe.
He was awoken by the sound of a heavy vacuum and the footsteps of a one of the maids opening his door, to his room.
"Busy?"
"Ah? Wuh... yes?" Touji lifted his head up, from its place on the mattress as he was pulled into the waking world taking a second to wipe the drool from his chin before shaking his head at the maid. "Later, sorry. Didn't... wasn't paying attention."
The maid nodded and left, it twas probably a response she got often... hopefully. Touji got up, dragged himself to the small bathroom adjoining and threw himself into the shower. He didn't feel... good but some of the fog that had been accumulating the last few days had cleared. He knew what he had to do and where to do it. He brushed his teeth, got dressed, charged his phone and his arm, counted his money and then...
Touji took out the gun, his fear of the thing lessened now that the goal was in front of him, visible like a port on the horizon. He looked the thing over, the dark metal cold in his hands no matter how long he held it. Taking a breath he tried to remember what Kensuke had explained to him a dozen times over the years... pull the slide, eject the round in the chamber...snap the switch, pull the magazine out... He put the bullets on the unmade bed behind him, resting the empty gun on his lap as he stared at the wall in front of him imagining Yukina standing in its place.
"You killed my father." Touji's words were sticky in his throat as he pulled the gun awkwardly from his lap and pulled the trigger, a metallic click filling the air.
Touji put the gun back on his lap and took a deep breath, trying to focus. If he thought about Yukina it was hard, but if he thought about Sakura... about her growing up without a dad... if he thought about his father smiling at him after they fought those monsters together...
Draw. "You killed my father." Click. Faster, cleaner more accurate.
Draw. "You took my dad from me..." Click, even faster, smoother, one sharp motion.
Draw. "You you... you..." Click click click.
Touji's grip on the weapon tightened for a moment before letting go, the thing falling with a thud onto the carpet. He was ready.
He took a streetcar to Odori station and began to walk around, keeping his eyes open but not wanting to look to suspicious as he descended into the mall. It was an interesting place, multitudes of shops and venues along one long corridor, thick pillars of carved wood standing in the centre of the walkway.
True to what Chiyo said, there were no shortage of cafes convenience stores and restaurants to check for Yukina, leaving him with a growing sense of despair at the thought he might have to return later and search again but then, popping out of one of the back rooms of a cafe he passed by there she was.
Her hair was slightly different to how it was in the photo, flecked with a colourful purple streak through one of her bangs, and the drab black and grey of her apron and dress were different than the lack of clothes in her photo, but it was her.
Trying to control his breathing Touji ducked into the venue across from the cafe, a small arcade full of buzzing electronics and excited children.
His gun felt heavy in his jacket pocket but he waited, buying some tickets and pretending to idle around the place, his eyes ever drifting back to across the way, following the woman as she waited tables and took orders.
'She was here, he had done it he had... well not quite yet but...' It was on the tip of his tongue just in reach all he had to do was...
Touji took a breath, realizing how close he was and the multitude of things that might happen to him in the next few hours even if all went to plan. Reaching inside his jacket into his breast pocket Touji's free hand brushed past the gun and grabbed the phone. One thing left to do...
"Uh hi, Hikari?" Touji hunched over a chirping pinball machine as he reached her family's answering machine. "It's me, Touji. I... I wanted to say I'm sorry I left like that... its not anything you did, I just... I didn't mean to make you worry, I just... I have something I really have to do to do right by my old man." The words were not coming easily, especially as he had to fight over the sound of pinball machine. "I love you... Everyone says we're too young and don't know, but I know. I love you and I wish... I wish I deserved any of the kindness you've given me. I..." his eyes flicked up, pausing his speech as he saw Yukina walk into the back of the cafe. "Sorry again. I've got to go. Please take care of Sakura... good bye."
He put the phone away, and waited, watching from his perch until Yukina emerged again from the back of the kitchen. This time she was wearing a black overcoat and had a backpack over her shoulder. She waved goodbyes to some of the other staff and left, Touji following a little while after.
The single long straight tunnel of the mall left let Touji follow from far behind, as she pushed her way through the crowds eventually forking right up a set up stairs that led to the street above.
Touji picked up his pace, pushing past a family marvelling over a toy in the window of some shop to close the distance, not wanting to lose her on a bus or street car outside.
The air was almost chilly as he emerged from the underground, his eyes blinking in the midday sun as he searched for a scrap of purple in the crowd. Finding it he followed, keeping about ten metres away as she made her way down the street.
The crowd thinned however as she moved off the main road, and then more so as she turned into a back alley, stopping suddenly as she pulled something metal from her bag.
Touji froze ducking behind a dumpster as he tried to force his brain to remember if she still had the weapon from the night she killed his father. Peeking out slowly Touji took a sigh of relief as he saw the flash of metal was from a lighter Yukina was now struggling to use to light a thin cigarette in the breeze.
Feeling something creep up his spine he reached inside his jacket for his weapon. It wasn't ideal but it was isolated enough and he should be able to slip back into the crowded mall easily enough. He pulled the gun out slowly then stopped and cursed as the phone in his jacket pocket began to ring.
"Fuck!" Touji cursed under his breath as he fumbled for the phone, sticking the gun in his pocket as he tried to silence the cheery ringtone he matched with Hikari.
But it was too late, peeking out Yukina was now looking at him, lit cigarette falling out of her hands as recognition dawned on her. "It's you..." Without another word she turned on her heels and ran hard down the alley.
"Fuck fuck fuck!" Touji barked, chasing after as best his legs could carry him. The foul word lost all meaning on his lips as he descended into animalistic response.
She turned the corner of the alley sharply, running out into a large open market, her backpack bouncing wildly against her shoulders as she tried to weave through the crowd and the stalls.
Touji was less nimble, smacking his thigh against a produce cart, spilling Rambutan all across the ground with a clatter. What he lacked in grace he made up for in strength and stamina, pushing through the protesting crowd toward the fleeing Yukina.
She kept running and running, losing her bag along the way as she pushed past a crowd at the edge of the market and down another alley, this one filled with sullen men in overalls unloading pallets from a truck into the back of a restaurant. Ducking and weaving between the workmen, Yukina nearly caused them to drop their cargo onto the pavement.
Touji's heart was pounding in his chest as he closed the distance, his body engaged in a frenetic passion he had been missing the last few weeks as he slowly slid into depression and inactivity. There was something rich, primal, and intoxicating in this feeling he could hardly describe. Vengeance within reach...
Breaking out the alley, she was almost in arm's length when she reached the edge of the intersection, throwing herself onto the road as the countdown timer beeped and clicked its last warning. Touji took a step to pursue but it was too late as he was greeted by the wailing horn of a van, its white panelled body nearly kissing his nose as it sharply turned into its lane.
Freezing, Touji but could do little but step back and watch as Yukina ran on the other side of the road, pushing past onlookers as she made her way across the plaza on the other side of the street towards an old multiplex towering at the far end.
All at once time seemed to slow down the fraccus noise of the crowd impatient sequels and honks of the traffic and the chirping birds of the crosswalk, they all faded away as Touji slowed his breathing. The path before him was clear.
Touji crossed the street slowly and calmly, making his way across the small plaza towards the movie theatre on the other side. It looked much like the ones he and Ken would frequently haunt either after school or during if the mood took them. New movies were few and far between these days, even American ones, but most theatres had enough backlogs from before Second Impact to play on repeat.
He walked in, handed the boy at the front a note, then walked before he could say anything else. The gun felt cold and slippery in his grip as he passed into the hall of theatres, eyes drifting past faded posters of buff action stars holding guns, blonde damsels in torn dresses, and irradiated monsters attacking cities. He held the gun tighter and tighter, knuckles white inside his bulging jacket pocket.
Most of the theatres were closed, most of the others being empty but a few were playing something from the sounds Touji could hear outside them.
Thud thud thud.
Touji stopped as he heard his own footsteps over the a movies operatic score. Thinking quickly he stepped out of his shoes and onto the carpet, creeping on the worn carpet as he checked the next theatre, opening the door to it just wide enough to squeeze his body in sideways before closing the door behind him with a quiet hush.
"That's my family Kay, that's not me..."
Touji crouched, trying not to cast a shadow as he entered the theatre, scanning the seats for people and and finding just one figure a young woman with short hair and grey coat sitting in the front row. He kept low, his finger resting just so on the trigger as he crept down the stairs of the auditorium until he stood right behind Yukina.
"Are you having a good time?"
Touji reached out his metal hand, gripping Yukina's shoulder hard as he pulled out the gun. He presed the barrel against the nape of her neck. "Found you."
Yukina's body tensed under his grip, her hands moving slowly from her sides to grip the arms of her seat. She didn't say anything however, simply giving short controlled breaths barely audible under the music track. Something in Touji's gut snarled. He wasn't sure exactly what he wanted, but he wanted more than this. "My name is Touji Suzuhara and I..."
"I know who you are, and I know who your father was... probably better than you did." Yukina's voice was a forced calm as she tried to keep from trembling.
"How dare you? How fucking dare you?!" Touji pulled the hammer back of the gun, hoping the click of the weapon would stir something more out of her. "I want to hear you say it I want to hear you say the words."
"I don't know what to do I don't know what to do..."
"I killed him. I shot him just like you are going to shoot me, isn't that right?" Yukina's voice held the tiniest sliver of hope.
"You can be a man!" a voice from the screen bellowed like an animal.
"That's right..." Touji breathed in,trying not to loose focus as his heart battered in his chest. "I'm doing this for his friends and brothers and his daughter and..." he started sputtering, spitting as he tried to think of something eloquent to say.
"Touji, please..." the words were quiet but pleading. "If you love your sister, you'll be the kind of brother who can come back to her."
"I said I'm doing this for her! I'm doing this for all the moments she will never have because of you!"
"A man who doesn't spend time with his family can never be a real man..."
"I lost my father when I was young. It was awful but... It would have been worse if I didn't."
"Is that why you did it? You wanted to save Sakura so she can run off and be a tramp like you?" Touji hissed. "I know. Chiyo told me all about you."
"Chiyo..." Yukina froze as realization dawned on her. "If you hurt her I..." Yukina lurched forward in her seat, crying out in pain as she flung the two forward onto the floor in front of the first row of the theatre.
For half a second there was a scramble in the dark, but Touji was bigger and he kept his grip on his gun tight as he wrestled the girl, pressing her down into the filthy floor as he climbed on top of her, protesting all the way. "I didn't.. I didn't touch Chiyo! I..." He looked down seeing Yukinas face clearly for the first time in the low glow of the theatre. "I'm not the bad guy..."
It wasn't her... this wasn't about her... Touji knew as he heard her shallow breath under him, struggling as his metal hand wrapped around her throat and squeezed as he pressed the gun against her chest.
When the world had taken his mother it had no face, just misery and empty condolences. When it had taken it his arm it had come in the night, leaving no memory but empty hours in that hospital room. When it had taken his friend it left nothing but a quick and sad message on his answering machine. Now, here, finally... he could do something. He could push back, he could...
"You look just like your father..." Yukina's hand reached up, quivering through short breaths before resting the tips of her fingers on his cheek.
"Leave it all to me..."
Touji stopped, every muscle and bone in his body freezing at once. For a moment there was silence save the score of the moving blaring over aged speakers.
Just like that. Touji let go of Yukina, falling backwards until he joined her on the floor, staring up at the ceiling of the dirty theatre with a tired breath. He stared at the pillar of light projected from the booth upstairs and onto the screen, hundreds of tiny motes of dust and grime floating in the air like snowflakes in the night.
Touji could hear Yukina take a moment to sputter and cough, trying to catch her breath as she climbed up from the floor. From the corner of his vision he saw her watch him, still splayed on the floor staring at the ceiling.
"So uh..." Yukina gave a small cough, breaking the silence as she tried to speak up over the movie. "You really do have a robotic arm huh? I heard people talking but I wasn't sure... you know how people can be."
Touji simply grunted in response, his mind not quite ready for anything too complicated as it tried to forge some path in front of him now that everything he had been building had fallen though.
"Did your dad get it for you or..."
"No..." Touji corrected her suddenly. "It was a gift, one of my classmates back in Tokyo-3 is or was one of the pilots for NERV. He... helped me out."
"Huh..." Yukina took a breath, dusting off her jacket as the tension slowly deflated in the room. "Lucky you."
"Yeah... lucky me." Touji blinked, taking one last look at the ceiling before climbing up from his spot. "Yukina..." He took a step not sure where he was going or what he was doing before Yukina held up a hand.
"Stop. Put the gun down and leave... please." there was something quivering in her eyes something begging but strong.
Touji looked down, his own body a stranger to him as he saw his grip on the weapon had yet wavered. "How do I know you won't..."
"You don't." Yukina cut him off. "Now, please."
Touji looked at her and then at the gun, sighing tiredly as he placed it in the lap of one of the seats of the front row before taking three slow steps back.
He looked at her and she looked at him, with the weight of a thousand things left unsaid falling heavy on his shoulders. Without another word he turned and left, once again burying his metallic hand in his coat pocket.
He had really done it... or not done it as it turned out. She told him to leave and he did. She had even taken his gun. He should be mad at that, furious even. In his heart he felt the shape of the rage he knew he was supposed to be feeling but... it just wasn't there. Whatever it took to kill her, he didn't have it.
He was a block and a half away from the theatre, in which direction he could not begin to guess when he realized he had left his shoes back in the hallway of the metroplex. Cursing himself and his stupidity he kept walking eventually finding an impromptu bazaar sprung up between two apartment blocs, merchants spreading wares on large picnic blankets.
Touji grit his teeth and looked over the motley collections, finding a black pair of sneakers more or less his size next to a stack of video cassettes. "How much?" he pointed to the pair and looked at the man nursing the end of a cigarette working the cash box.
The older man dragged a dark tired hand through grey hair before looking Touji over and giving a chuckle "For you? Eight thousand."
Touji cocked his head "Eight thousand? I could get a better pair for half the price in a dozen different stores."
"Yeah but none of those them are here and you are so..." He gave a wry smile. "Eight thousand, unless you want it to be nine huh?"
Touji rolled over his eyes and handed over the money, conceding the point and taking the shoes before putting them on in a quick movement. They were far from a perfect fit but they would work well enough as he walked around the city and travelled back home.
Home. He was going home, wasn't he? Back to Sakura and Hikari back to his old neighbourhood, or what was left of it, back to Shinji. Touji gave a tired sigh, it felt wrong to think about after everything else he and his guardian had given him but maybe... well, if school was cancelled for the foreseeable future he could get a job at NERV. He wasn't knowledgeable like Ken, or smart like Hikari's older sister but he could lift boxes and run cables and hammer a nail.
He walked from the little market to a small park in the shadow of one of the apartment towers. Children laughing and playing on the swings and playground. Touji sat down on the bench, pulling out a crushed granola bar from his pants' pocket as he watched the children play.
It quickly apparent what the popular game among many of them was as a few took turns stomping in the sand box before shoving the other into the dirt.
"My turn my turn, I'm the angel now!' A little boy with jam on his shirt announced as he flailed his arms while giving his best roar.
"Yeah, but I'm the Eva look!" one child in a hoodie mimed a big gun, complete with sound effect "Pachow, chachow you're dead!"
"Well, I'm King of the Angels! Look at me!" A third kid jumped into the sand box from atop the monkey bars, splashing sand on the previous two. "I'm the strongest ever!"
"Ugh wait your turn... why do you always have to be such a dork?"
Touji chuckled despite himself. It was hardly in good taste, but they were kids, and besides... were Ken and him so much different?
He let out a long sigh, thinking about his friend. That was what was next, he supposed, if he could trek to one side of Japan to find Yukina he could do it again to see his friend. What would happen if anything he was not sure, but he could not let himself slide into misery again. He had to push forward, he had to find... something. Maybe he would even stop by and say hello to Nomura on the way back. He would have a lot of apologies to make but maybe after the two could finish that cup of tea.
Touji was snapped out of his thoughts by the sound of his phone once again going off in his pocket.
"Dammit Hikari I..." Touji stopped as he looked down and saw the ID on the phone was Matsuda not Hikari. All at once a chill ran through him, shaking him down to the core. Should he ignore him? He couldn't he might suspicious, might think something was wrong. Tentatively Touji brought the device up to his ear and clicked the button "Ah... hey Matsuda."
"Is it done?" The words seem to hang in the air above Touji before crashing down on him.
"I uh... yeah." Touji tried to pry what he could from his dry mouth, desperate to summon the person who had manipulated Chiyo for information. "I tracked her down to her apartment and..."
"Good, spare me the details until we can talk in person. You still have that thing I gave you?"
"Uh... no I..." Touji's mind went to the seat of the chair in the theater "I wiped it off and ditched it. I didn't want to..."
"Smart kid. Listen." the voice went from cold and commanding to something close to brotherly "You did good, great even. Your dad would be proud of you. We're all proud of you..." There was a small pause. "I didn't want to say it before because I didn't want to jinx it but I think you proved yourself... the boys and I want to do something for you."
A heady cocktail of pride and disgust mixed in Touji's stomach, the shock of what he did or didn't do in that theatre was still strong in him, but it didn't and perhaps could not erase all the wants and feelings buried deep in his heart. "Oh? What's that? I mean, thank you."
Touji could hear Matsuda's smile through the phone. "Don't worry about it, you earned it and then some. But I'll save the big speeches for tonight when I see you in person."
"Wait, tonight!?" Touji blinked "I thought you were back in Tokyo-3? What happened?"
There was another pause "I came up after I told you about the old address we found, thought you might need some help. Glad to be proven wrong." He gave a wry chuckle. "I'm with some friends now, they have a club downtown. I'll send you the address."
Touji grumbled, something twitching in his arm as he held the phone "I... I don't know Matsuda I am really tired and I haven't been eating well and I really just want to get back to Tokyo as soon as I can... I left pretty suddenly and I don't want Hikari or my sister to worry, and..."
"Aww, come on Touji." Matsuda sighed. "Do I have to spell it out for you? We want you to be one of us. It's what your dad always wanted for you, he just... didn't think you would earn it until you were older. But you did. Don't... don't disappoint us, okay?"
Touji grit his teeth, hating how easily he could be pushed. "Sure, I guess. I'll leave tomorrow, then."
"Attaboy. I'll send you the info. Don't worry about getting past the doorman, you're the VIP of the night."
With that the man cut out, leaving Touji alone to watch as the kids ceased their dramatic sand box feud as parents swooped in to take them home.
"It's getting dark sweetie, time to head home for dinner. You have school tomorrow," one mother spoke as she collected errant toys scattered across the playground into her bag, finishing with a plastic looking pistol with a orange tip half buried in the sand.
The child was having none of it, though, stomping his feet as he tried to pry the toy from his mother's grip. "You never let me have any fun! I hate you!"
Had his father ever done for him? It was hard to remember the day to day of living when life was so punctuated by violence and loss. He had so many feelings tied up into his father, but what kind of man had he really been?
The whimsy of the scene dissolving, Touji got up, sighing as he made his way out of the park back towards the heart of the city.
Stepping off the streetcar Touji took a moment to look at the club Matsuda had directed him to. It was different but not so different than his father's place back in Tokyo-3, albeit obviously before the Angels ground the city into so many pieces. The one defining difference was that it was unmistakably a club, where as his fathers The Rose was a gambling parlour as well as a bar.
Touji looked up at the naked woman made of neon straddling the sign, her legs kicking back and forth as she blew sweet kisses to those passing by and inviting them in. He stood his ground, his feet rooted in the pavement as he thought.
He could lie, couldn't he? He had before, he lied to Nomura and to the waitress and to Chiyo. He could just... keep going. He would have to wouldn't he? He would have to carry what he did or didn't do here with him for the rest of his life. The rest of his life.
Touji shook his head, it wasn't something he wanted to think about. He could do this, have a few drinks, shake some hands but refuse any permanent offers of membership, say whatever he needed to say to put them off.
"Hey, Touji! There you are. I was getting nervous." Matsuda poked his head out of one of the main doors, gesturing him over from across the street. "Don't mind the line, you're with me."
"Ah, hey." Touji gave a shaky smile and nodded, crossing when the light turned green and getting close to the older man who clapped him around the shoulders with muscular arm as he brought him inside.
It was loud and hot, with a thick miasma of sweat, cheap cologne, and strong liquor that made Touji's eyes water as Matsuda dragged him into the club, the neon outside mirrored inside tenfold as each dark booth, each wall and each stage was lined with pink, green, and blue light.
Touji could not help but wonder how close his father's place had been to this, in spirit if not specifics. Half naked waitresses serving drinks while naked dancers strutted up and down the stage. He could not help himself but stare. Yukina had been like that for his dad once, right?
"See something you like?" Matsuda snickered. "I promise you can get all close and personal later, after the formalities."
"About that." Touji gulped, following along, trying not to cough as he got a face full of cigar smoke from a random patron. "I was thinking and I am not sure I want to, you know fully..."
"Ah, don't worry we'll sort out the details later. Tonight is about honouring your dad as it is about anything you do." Matsuda smiled. He grabbed a shot of something from the girl running the neon light show bar and handed it to Touji. "For your nerves."
Touji took the drink and slammed back the liquid, his mouth tasting something like lemon scented gasoline for a moment before he gulped down what was left, letting off a low, throaty cough. "Sorry. Thank you but I really should..." he took a moment, stopping and looking out over the crowd as he realized Matsuda was dragging him through the club towards... "Wait.. where is everyone?"
He could not say he knew all of his fathers friend's and associates, the day of his funeral had been a blur of shaved heads tattoos and dark suits but he was familiar with enough to make their absence among the patrons tangible.
Before he could wonder more Matsuda's grip around his shoulder tightened and something sharp an metal poked him between his ribs. "You're going to come with me, kid."
"Matsuda, what the fuck are you..." He would have protested more, but the knife in his side slid in deeper. It punctured his jacket and poked into the skin beneath, silencing any further argument.
Touji was dragged to the back of the club, down a long hallway, past the last of the booths or girls, past the private rooms, past the beaded curtain into the staff section. The glitz and sex replaced by a bulletin board, a break room and a punch clock before finally passing out the door to the loading bay where Touji was dropped unceremoniously onto the pavement.
"Why?" Touji grunted, trying to climb onto his feet before two figures emerged from the shadows of the lot. They nodded to Matsuda behind Touji and barred his escape.
"It's cliche to say but I really want you know this isn't personal, Touji. I just needed you out of the game one way or another and this is another." Matsuda slashed with the knife aiming for Touji's neck but hitting his shoulder as he rolled on instinct.
"I wasn't in the game, you stupid..." Touji barely had a moment to wince at the pain before the other two men grabbed him from behind, prying his arms apart to leave him exposed to another strike to his chest.
"Not now, not yet. But how long would that last? That money the boss gave you won't hold forever, and when it runs out what then? Are you, Touji Suzuhara, going to hit the books and become a doctor? A lawyer? NERV commander? No... You'll come crawling back to us. And what's worse is people might follow you. Your dad was a popular man, and you showed yourself that day those bugs wreaked hell on downtown." Matsuda put the switchblade away an began to feel Touji, patting him down from his shoulders down to his ankles "Huh. You really did get rid of it. I'm surprised. Kid like you, I thought you would keep it as a souvenir."
"I'm not that guy..." Touji choked out desperately, one of the men's knuckles pressing against his neck. "I just wanted to make things right..."
"Your dad would have kept it." Matsuda chuckled. "Toshiro would not have needed to be told by me to go, either, he would have rolled up with me and half a dozen other guns and iced the bitch and anyone else unlucky enough to be standing next to her."
"Don't talk about my dad..." Touji tried to fight, to wrestle himself out of the two men's grip but getting nothing from it but a sharp punch to he the stomach from Matsuda that took the wind from him.
"Oh shut up... Are we still doing this? Your father might not have been as smart as me... I doubt he could have planned this little adventure for you... but he was no less brutal when he wanted to be."
"This was all... you did all of this to get rid of me?" Touji tried not to cry, all the promises and accolades Matsuda had promised and showered him with falling before his eyes.
"It wasn't that hard. It could have gone a lot of different ways, all of them in my favour. You come up and kill the bitch but get caught... you're out of the picture and I win. You come up and she kills you like she did your papa? You're out of the picture and I win. You come up and kill her clean... you're up here nice and isolated for me to kill you myself." He punctuated his last words with a hand around Touji's throat. "I win."
"Ah, please..." Touji's breath caught in his throat as he tried not to panic, thinking of something anything he could do as Matsuda took the knife back out, flicking it open, the blade glinting in the low light of the dock.
"Sorry, kid. I..." There was a sharp crack in the air, harsh and sudden and echoing around the small space. All heads turned to find the source before it went off again, punching through the darkness accompanied by a flash as the bullet ripped into Matsuda's hand "Ah, fuck!"
The knife fell with a clatter as he reached to desperately grab at his hand, now oozing blood.
One of the men holding Touji let go, making a break for the door when he got hit with the next volley, two shots landing squarely in his chest.
He feel against Touji. His weight now pulled Touji forward, carrying the other man still gripping his shoulder with him onto the pavement.
The two tussled on the ground for a moment, rolling in the muck and bumping into Matsuda's now dead comrade before Touji's instincts and metal arm won out, smashing in the man's teeth with a wild swing.
Touji breathed, tasting iron on his tongue as he looked up, seeing Matsuda climb the ledge of the loading back into the club as a familiar figure came out of the shadows. "Yukina? You saved me you... followed me?"
"In case you changed your mind. I didn't think... why were they trying to kill you?" The girl helped Touji get to his feet before stuffing the smoking gun in her jacket pocket.
"With my dad gone Matsuda took control of his area, and he didn't want to worry about me trying to take over down the line." Touji took a hard breath, then nudged the body of one of Matsuda's men, idly wondering what his name was before checking the inside of his jacket for a weapon and finding a grey pistol old enough to be his grandfather's. "I gotta go deal with him before..." He took a step before he was stopped by a hand on his shoulder.
"Touji, you need to get out of here now. For God's sake..." She pleaded, her voice descending into rasps. "Someone probably heard the gunshots and the police are already..."
Touji turned and looked at Yukina taking just a moment to study her face. He had tried in his dreams. He had turned her into his sister or his mother or his girlfriend, he had turned her and twisted her this way and that but... in the end it didn't matter she was herself and that was enough.
"I... have to do this." He pushed away her hand and turned back to the bar. "If he gets away, my family... it has to end here."
Yukina looked like she was about to say something but didn't, instead giving a sad smile. "I'll be here if you... when you..."
Touji didn't look back, climbing the ladder at the end of the dock and walking back into the club. Panic and screams mixed with the synthetic dance tracks pumped from the speakers as the places staff and patrons dropped what and who they were doing to flee as fast as they could from the violence.
Scanning the room, Touji did not see Matsuda, but he did see a trail of blood running across the floor and overturned tables as it worked its way up the stairs to the manager's office on the second floor.
He took one step and then another across the now deserted room, grinding upbeat music still blaring from the speakers around him as he tried to focus. He knelt down and raised his gun to aim at the closed manager's door.
A moment later a crashing boom joined the music, splinters of wood and pellet spraying across the bar towards Touji.
Touji dived towards the bar, a sliver of wood the size of a pencil grazing his leg and cutting through his jeans.
Laying on his back Touji looked up at the mirrored wall behind the tall collection of coloured liqueurs, spying Matsuda awkwardly holding large gun in his bloody grip at the top of the stairs.
Touji climbed up to his knees, poking up his head up above the lip for the bar for a second to confirm he was still there before popping up again to fire a few shots.
One missed Matsuda entirely while the other clanged as it ricocheted off the metal railing.
He dropped back down behind the bar just before Matsuda fired again, shrapnel blasting the bottles of schnapps and whiskey above Touji's head, shards of glass scratching against the back of his neck.
He popped back up and fired again, cursing the weapon's flimsy feel in his hands, like each shot threatened to tear the whole thing apart from he inside.
Matsuda jumped from the edge of the stairs to one of the booths, hiding behind a thick overturned table.
Touji felt panic start to set in. Matsuda was getting closer and had that... thing. While he was four shots deep into a magazine he could not imagine held more than six or eight shots.
Desperate, Touji let his gaze drift across his side of the bar, the pipes, the fallen cash, the scattered lemon rinds and ice cubes... the thick black wires from all over the building that all coalesced into a metallic control box.
He reached over and turned one of the dials down. Suddenly the music stopped. The only sounds were his breathing and Matsuda loading his shotgun.
Touji took a deep breath, holding his gun tight in his hand as he reached the other dials, taking a moment to kick off his shoes before turning the rest of the controls down completely.
Total darkness filled the club as Touji scampered out from behind the bar, holding the image of where Matsuda was in his mind as he crept closer, his heart hammering in his chest as he took an abandoned drink from a booth beside him and tossing it hard into the wall behind Matsuda, the glass shattering as it met the drywall.
On instinct Matsuda turned wildly and and pulled the trigger, unloading two barrels of shot that for a brief flash illuminated the room as Touji closed the distance, barrelling into the man in the dark as he unloaded every thing he had.
*
Yukina held the flickering cigarette in her hands like one of her mothers old rosaries, trying to keep an ear out for sirens on the wind as she waited for Touji's return, each second feeling like an eternity among the foul air and broken bodies.
Eventually limping a figure did emerge from the dark of the entry bay, a bruised and bloody, but alive Touji. "Thank god you're... is it..."
"It's done... lets get out of here."
Yukina didn't try to argue the point, leading Touji back the way she had come before. They slipped through a gap in the fence before hurriedly walking a few blocks away from the club towards a small park. They were were not far in however before Touji's steps slowed to a crawl, eventually stopping entirely and collapsing on the soft grass beneath their feet as they were half way up a small hill.
"What are you doing? Come on, we gotta get out of here. The cops are gonna sweep this place any second." She tried to pull him up, succeeding only partially as the boy took a few steps before careening back to the ground, landing in the heap under one of the parks many cherry trees.
"Sorry, just let me catch my breath." He let out a tired sigh as his gaze drifted out across the darkened park, the moon hanging heavy as it reflected across the water of the pond. "Do you feel that?"
"Touji, we really have to go...." Yukina stopped as her eyes wandered down Touji's chest, to a dark red spot below his ribs that was only getting darker.
"It's getting... I think it's snowing... isn't it?" There was a slight smile on his face at that as he looked out across the shifting water of the pond.
"I should go... I can get someone to..." Yukina panicked, no idea what she could say that would not immediately land them both in prison or worse.
"Please just... stay with me." There was something in the boy's eyes that made Yukina smile sadly as she joined him under the rustling leaves of the tree.
Touji....
Touji...
Touji Touji Touji Touji...
Muddled voices swirled around the boy as he tried to push through the dense fog around him, his steps slow and clumsy as he stumbled through the misty dreamscape around him. No single one was recognizable in the choir for long before being subsumed and blended with the others. Hikari and his sister were the loudest and most frequent calling out to him just beyond reach, but they were far from alone. His old math teacher scolded him for his laziness like she had a thousand times before, his nurses whispered and chittered as they had in the days after the first attack, gossiping about him and his family when they thought he was too dazed from the pain to hear.
Next was the the girl from the subway, her eyes still soaked with tears as she clutched the hem of her skirt, trying not to look the fool when she knew no one was coming to help her.. The other Hikari... the waitress came and went as well, a warm sweet smell coming with her, like half forgotten memories of his mother...
Touji... wait for dinner, Touji...
But he could not run from Yukina or at least what his mind could scrape together of the girl, his anger and loss having no target but images from the smudgy pin ups Matsuda had given him. He drudged forward, trying to find anywhere to be but here as the woman his mind had created threatened to eat all the rest.
Touji... do you want me Touji?
The voice was low and sultry, whispering softly into his ear as Touji felt a hand on his chest, feeling his heart beat through his skin.
Do you want me Touji?
The voice became louder and louder until she was crying out in pain and agony his ears, the hand on his chest tight and hot as it grabbed him in a vice.
"Get up..."
Touji grunted, his consciousness being dragged kicking and screaming into the waking world one firm poke at a time.
"Come on, get up."
Touji opened one eye, regretted it but soon opened the other at the express direction of the broom handle that was being jabbed at his chest.
"There we go, up we get."
Touji looked up to see a middle aged woman currently wielding the broom pressed against his chest. She looked tired and in no mood to argue, wearing a black apron tied loosely around her body and speckled red bandana covering her greying hair.
"I don't care where you go, but you can't stay here. Bums drive away customers."
"I'm not..." Touji tried to pull himself up from his seat against the brick wall, his body vehemently objecting to the idea as it reminded the boy of all of the previous nights cuts and bruising. "I'm not homeless. I'm just... a bit far off." Touji looked around the alley as he pulled himself up, grateful the weird lump he was sitting on was his backpack.
"Great, then find your way back there and don't sleep in front of my shop, okay?" The woman's voice calmed a bit as the boy began to move, even carrying a hint of empathy among the frustration as she held out a hand to steady the wobbly youth.
"Gotta do something first, but... yeah, that's the plan." Not sure what else to say Touji took a step and then another down the alley towards the road, rolling his neck and his shoulders to try to shake out the ache now present all over his body. It wasn't long before he noticed how ripped and tattered his jacket was from last night, his metal arm exposed for anyone to see as he trudged his way through the early morning streets of Sendai, the great statue of the Buddha casting barely a shadow under the grey and overcast sky.
He shivered as he got closer to the port, clutching what remained of his jacket tight against his chest as the cold ocean wind rolled in from the water. It was just the kind of wake up call he needed. Marching through Sendai, seeing the city slowly wake up and come to life around him, Touji could not help but curse himself for every step he had taken since he had arrived. 'Such a fucking idiot...' What would Matsuda think? What would his father think? If the old man called the cops after he left, or if the boys from yesterday were still looking for him or the waitress... Maybe he should just... no.
Touji stopped, pulling himself back to the curb as he realized he had nearly walked into traffic. A transport truck the size of a tank coming up from the harbour barely honked its horn before rolling past his face. There was nothing he could do but go on and pray to whatever was listening, and if Matsuda asked... well the important thing was getting to Yukina. Everything else fell away.
Paying more attention to his surroundings, Touji made his way into the harbour, past a few warehouses and marinas filled with sad looking yachts before making his way into the ferry port, spying from the clock in the board listing routes that it was a little past six thirty.
After taking a moment to wipe the grime from his brow and wipe down his jacket Touji walked to the girl at the booth "One to Sapporo." The words left Toujis lips before he knew he said them as he took out his money, carefully this time, and handed her the bills "Please."
The girl looked barely older than him, if that, cracked glasses framing a tired looking face. Her eyes looked at Touji carefully through the plastic separator looking him over and then down to the bills. Her hand reaching down before hesitating "Are you okay, sir? You... you appear to be..." She motioned to Toujis metal arm and the slow trickle of blood that dripped down its length from the stump where its metal met his flesh.
"I'm fine I just... need one ticket... please." Touji's tone was sharp, almost threatening as it hid barely concealed under a veneer polite professionalism. He adjusted his stance, moving his metal arm behind him before looking around to confirm it was just them in the terminal. Slowly he pushed the wad of cash towards the girl through the gap in the plastic until it was almost out of reach.
"Sir I'm not sure if I should..." she trailed off, her eyes now glancing towards the phone at her desk who's purpose Touji did not have to guess at.
Touji froze then gave a forced smile, reaching back into his pocket for more cash, he remembered Ken complaining about how much his glasses cost to replace after he broke his playing army in the woods and his family was pretty well off. This girl... "I just need one ticket... please..." Touji handed another wad to the girl, easily a half a dozen times bigger than his first.
The girl only hesitated a moment before taking the money and punching in something into the machine in front of her, a pale pink ticket quickly printing out a moment later "Take care, sir..."
Touji didn't say another word, grabbing the ticket stub from the counter and pressing through the terminal to first confirm his dock and then to whatever could be considered a bathroom to clean himself up.
When the flickering light of the room came on, it took Touji a second to recognize himself in the mirror, even ignoring the torn jacket, there were the scrapes and bruises that had darkened through the night and the bags under his eyes that looked like they belonged to a much older man. He had already had his growth spurt, right? He was probably going to look more or less like this for the rest of his life... And then there, below one shoulder, was the thing he had never really gotten used to.
He didn't hate it. It was damn useful, more more useful than just a stump or a solid lump of plastic like mannequin or one of his sisters dolls. And he was grateful, he just... Touji grit his teeth and turned on the tap of the sink full blast, letting the hiss of water splashing against porcelain remind him what he had to do. He was grateful to Shinji and his guardian, but in some ways he had never gotten used to the thing, maybe he never let himself get used to it. It was a tool, a necessary tool maybe, but it wasn't him, it wasn't whatever he was.
Grabbing a handful of paper towels from the dispenser Touji washed himself up as best he could. It was far from ideal but he had to hope it would graduate his status in the eyes of others from dangerous vagrant to unfortunate student with a weird arm.
He was wondering if the place had any vending machines when a staticy message from the PA alerted him to his ferry coming in. Electing to dump the shredded remains of his jacket in one of the trash cans and brave the morning air, Touji made his way out onto the dock, towards the old but functional looking ship pulling up to the dock with the matching number to his ticket.
He gave his ticket to the man waiting for him, shivering for a moment before climbing aboard along side the few others who wanted to make the early voyage. There were students wearing uniforms Touji could only guess at, young boys laughing and smiling as they horsed around near one of the railings. They made Touji think of Ken, and where and what his friend was doing now. 'Better off far from me...' There was a family, a man and wife and young daughter, the man red and wheezing as he struggled and carry their luggage while the wife desperately tried to reign in the daughter from running from one end of the ship to the other. 'Mastside? Prow?' He knew sure prow was one of them. He also knew Kensuke knew far more than that and would tell him in great detail if given the opportunity. There were also a few Touji could only assume were regular travelers, quiet men in grey suits and yellow safety vests that when they sat down, seemed as much a part of the ship as the life preservers or flags strapped to the hull.
The ferry was large, larger than he was expecting if Touji was honest. It was more than a hundred meters long end to end if he had to guess, with far more room aboard its multiple decks than it needed for its fairly meager crew and passengers. Like many things Touji had seen in his travels across Japan thus far the ship was old, likely made and operated before Second Impact. Despite this and in contrast to many other things Touji had seen, it was functional and well kept, at least as far as he could see without descending into the bowels of the beast with its crew. Still, it was obvious it had seen better days. The polished oak bar and stylish restaurant on one of the levels was now closed and replaced with a small commissary that served coffee and sandwiches and the executive business suite locked and unused, a thin layer of dust accumulating on the table and chairs.
The sudden movement of the boat leaving the dock delivered a quick reminder what a lack of sea legs Touji possessed and so he went to one of the upper decks to not look too much like a fool in front of the others. Still, the experience was unique enough he didn't to ignore it completely, standing at the edge of the deck gripping the cold rail with a hand as the ocean air began to wash over him, fresh and icy with a tang of salt that did much to keep Touji awake and alert despite his lack of sleep.
They were far out when it happened, how far Touji could not say but far enough there was nothing but a small sliver of land in the far horizon behind them and endless blue ocean in front of them. It was like floating between worlds, holding onto the edge of a dream, savouring the possibility of the nothing before another something. Then it came, the sun broke through the thick grey clouds and the viscous fog of the early morning and all at once everything seemed to shimmer and glow.
The blue sky ripping through the gloom to reflect upon the glittering water, the golden rays making each bit of errant flotsam kicked up by the ferry sparkle and shine in the crisp air. It was beautiful and perfect and wonderful.
Touji gripped the railing harder, his chest heavy and his legs weak as he took a long sigh desperate to take in as much as he could manage. He could not remember the last time he had seen something so... unmarred. He had seen beauty before, stars hanging over a mid summer sky, the paintings his mother used to do before she got sick... the freckles on Hikari's face when she smiled... when she really smiled.
But this was... different. This wasn't his, this didn't feel compromised by the world around it, no scars or loss or past just... this.
Touji wiped his face, not sure if it was tears or ocean spray which flecked his cheeks. He took a breath, letting the feeling pass before the slow ache of the world returned. 'This will take a few hours, maybe more if we have to stop. Might as well get some rest.' Touji sighed, and turned to go inside, the gray clouds slowly seeping back in front of the sun.
With his phone and music player out of juice Touji had little choice but to let the rest of the cruise blur together into a series of rolling tableauxs and landscapes as he stared out from his perch and listening to the radio from the ships speakers. At some point his tiredness won out over his anxiety and vigilance, leading to a few hours of sleep slumped in one of the plastic chairs in the cafeteria. Eventually they arrived, the morning gloom giving way to a warm glowing midafternoon as they pulled into the harbour just north of Tiene.
Touji tried to leave without too much fanfare, waiting in line behind the family he had come in with, watching as it was the roles were reversed and it was now the mothers turn to haul bags as the father attempted to stop a very bored daughter from sticking crayons into her ears. If he squinted the girl looked a bit like Sakura, not that their father had ever been so doting regarding his sister. 'He loved her and he took care of her, that's enough,' Touji grit his teeth and reminded himself.
His first few hours in the city were notable only in their expense. Not wanting a repeat of Sendai, Touji was quick and efficient about his business, securing a new jacket from a second-hand shop before grabbing a bite to eat and then finally securing a place to stay for... however long he would be here. The city was far larger than Touji thought it would be, ringed by mountains and hills, with extensive parks and green areas to break up the otherwise thick cityscape. Fighting against the building despair at the enormity of his task, Touji retreated back to his hotel. It wasn't an especially fancy place but it was comfortable enough for him to rest and recoup with assurance.
Touji stared up at the ceiling of his room, letting his mind wander as he tried to puzzle out the strange shapes and patterns barely visible underneath the snowstorm of thick white paint that covered all but the inner most edges of the space. There had been something else here before it was clear, but what he was not sure, swirling stars? Swimming Fish? Maybe the swaying branches of cherry tree. He supposed it didn't matter now. He took a long sigh, trying to focus and think about his next step, what resources he had, what leads he could follow and perhaps more importantly what if anything would he do after it was all said and done.
He had been lucky so far, but that luck could run out at any time, it was more than likely that if something went wrong he was going to end up in a locked room smaller than this for the rest of his life... Touji looked around, wishing he had more than the warmed over street food he had snagged earlier. 'Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow...' Touji shook his head. There was no need to scare himself like that. But still... even if all went well and to plan... what then? Could he really just go home and pretend nothing had happened? What would he tell Hikari? Or Sakura? The more he tried to think about home or his place there, the farther it seemed to slip out of his fingers.
Touji's daydream was interrupted by his phone going off, leaving him scrambling off the bed to the outlet on the wall towards his phone that was being charged.
"Hey... I... ah" Touji gulped, not wanting to sound panicked "What's up?"
"Hey kid, I was gonna ask you the same thing, haven't been able to get through to you all day, everything all right?" Matsuda's voice was light but held a tinge of concern over the casualness.
"Ah yeah, I'm fine just forgot to charge my phone, just got to the hotel in Sapporo a little while ago." Touji nodded, sitting on the edge of the bed his stump cradled in his lap.
"No problems in Sendai?" Matsuda asked, speaking up over the sound of what Touji could guess was one of the parlour's pachinko machines "You know I have some friends up that way. I would throw you them their way, but well... you know."
"Yeah, Sendai was fine." Touji lied, trying not to wince at the memory of what happened. "What I saw of it, at least... I wasn't there too long, got in late and then left early the next morning."
"Good boy." Touji could hear Matuda's smile through the phone. "Listen, I don't know what you have already done over there, but I was going through you know who's stuff again... was about to throw it all out when I found something I think you might be interested in."
Touji blinked, he had no idea where he was even going to start looking for Yukina "That's great! I mean..." he dialed his eagerness back not wanting to sound desperate. "Sorry. Yeah, whatever you got that could be useful would be appreciated."
There was a pause and shuffling on the other side of the phone before Matsuda spoke up again. "So as I said when you left, when she started working here working for your dad and I we didn't ask too many questions. Not really the nature of the business, you know... anyway, none of us knew where she might run to after... you know... except that we heard she might have some family up in Hokkaido."
Touji grit his teeth. Matsuda's instructions so far were painfully vague, and only given after he had agreed to go. "Yeah and?"
"Well, as I said I was looking through her stuff and I found this letter, its a bit old but it looks it was from her mom in Sapporo. How about that?" Matsuda chuckled. "I can't imagine she was too proud of where her little girl ended up..."
"Her mother?" Touji gulped, the thought cutting through him like ice. The Yukina in his mind didn't have a mother, she didn't have anything other than a hurt and a hunger and a pain "What did she..."
"I don't know stuff, Touji..." He gave a tired sigh Touji had heard from his father many times. "You gotta focus. You're not getting second thoughts about this, are you? Not after everything that bitch did?"
"No!" Touji barked defensively. "No, I just... sorry. I guess I was just curious that's all. Trust me. I'm... gonna do this."
"Good. Anyway, yeah, the letter has a return address so it might be a good place to start looking. I'll send you the info in a bit."
"Thanks again..." Touji nodded "It's really lucky you found that. Where was it? I thought the cops did a full sweep after they..."
"Touji..." Matsuda's voice was hard and cold. "Don't say anything you don't want being heard, okay? Look, I promise I will fill you in best I can when you get back. 'Til then... eyes on the prize."
"I will, I promise." Touji relented, feeling like a beaten dog. "I won't let you down."
"I know you won't. Were all counting on you kid. Talk later, Touji..."
At that the voice cut off leaving Touji to fall back on his bed. Now he could not see anything above him even if he wanted to.
His phone went off again soon after, Matsuda's information illuminating his screen. He should go, he should hit the streets as soon his arm was charged and he was ready. Bu he didn't, it was already dark and getting darker and Matsuda's words did little to stir the concrete that seemed to be settling in his veins. Instead opting to get a real meal in the small cafe adjoined to the lobby of the hotel and heading out early the next morning.
It was late the next morning when Touji left the hotel, following what instructions the lady at the front desk had given him it would take him a while on the local transit to make it out to the address Matsuda had snagged from that old letter. Giving him plenty of time to think about what he expected to find today as the rolling streetcar beneath him passed from street to street, showing off the city.
It was in a better place than Sendai, at least from what he could glean from the surface, people bustling too and fro in crowded markets and shops, cars and bikes swarming every intersection like schools of fish. There had never been an Angel attack this far north and it showed. There were less scars here, less damage but also less of the ugly militarism that Touji had taken for granted in Tokyo-3. No guns or soldiers marching about, no weapons or supplies hauled along the roads and no helicopters or gunships screaming overhead.
The cost of all this however was not hard to see for the divide between rich and poor was apparent everywhere one looked; gorgeous looking mansions on a hill overlooking tightly packed apartment blocks, wealthy couples enjoying yoga in the park as they were waited on by maids and servants, beautiful looking restaurants and cafes with the elect in front and tired-looking staff out back.
It was somewhere far lower on that ladder Touji was headed, a neighbourhood near the lowest point in the valley, rows after rows of small brown houses, many ill looking and ill kept. Stepping off the bus and onto the well worn street, Touji could not help but wonder about the childhood one could have here.
He rolled his shoulders and kept walking, trying to look like he belonged while paying attention to the street signs, not wanting to get lost if he could help it. Mother... the mention of Yukina's mother was unsettling to say the least. He would try his best not to involve her if possible, the pain of losing a parent was something Touji knew he would hold the rest of his life, the pain of losing a child... He could not bear to imagine.
What was his own mother like? Sometimes he hated himself but he had to wonder, how much of his memories of her were dreams or things he wished were true. Like his big heroic moment with Sakura, so much was things he was told and simply had to take on faith. Mostly he remembered the snow...
The year his mother got sick and then... it was the last one, the last real winter Japan had in a little over ten years, the strange... whatever Second Impact did, solidifying Japan into an endless summer. But that had been after, there had been snow then, when his mother died. He remembered watching it drifting through the sky the night they visited her in the hospital, cold wind raking against the warm, sickly-sweet of the place. He had stared out the window because he had been afraid... not just of her dying but seeing her die, seeing her weak and fading away into the pressed bed sheets of that horrible place. If he looked at her it was real, if he looked he knew it could not be anything else but the end.
Touji looked down at the scrap of paper he had written the address down on, then up to the sign post in front of the condemned house in front of him, checking and confirming for the third time that they were in fact the same. "Fuck..."
He didn't know what he expected to find, but less than nothing was certainly not it. The notice on the door was several years old, Yukina, her family or both could be literally anywhere in the world by now...
Touji shook his head, his pulse racing as he walked down the gravel drive way back towards the road, stopping and swinging on his hips the moment he could not contain his frustration any longer, kicking a beer can stuck in the tall unkempt grass of the lawn as hard as he could while giving a primal scream. Perhaps it was luck or perhaps it was the athlete in him snapping to attention at the worst time, but the can sailed through the air, rolling end over end before smashing into one of the windows on the upper floor.
The sound of shattered glass followed by the clatter of something heavy knocked over snapped Touji back to reality. He looked left and right, thinking for a moment someone would materialize behind him like a million angry teachers when none came he took a long breath, feeling his heart slow its hammering in his chest. His eyes drifted up to the window he broke, noticing it was far from the only broken one. He could go in there, it would be easy Touji thought to himself, planning his route from the side of the garage up to the second floor window he had just broken.
He probably wouldn't find anything amazing, he had to imagine anything worth anything had been taken in the move or picked clean in the intervening years... but it was possible they left some clue some hint where they were going.
Touji took one step and then another placing a hand along the rotten wooden panel next to the garage when a sound let him know he was not alone.
"Hello there. Have you seen my cat?"
Touji turned around, seeing an old woman in the drive way smiling at him as she rested her frame by leaning against her cane.
"Your what?" Touji blinked.
"Small furry thing, four legs, a tail... tends to get itself into trouble." The old woman kept smiling, her violet shawl flapping a bit in the breeze as she stared at him steadily over round glasses perched on the end of her nose.
"I know what a cat is," Touji snorted, unsure what the woman was talking about.
"Then you can help me find it," The old woman nodded, "I live just down the way there, I heard a commotion while I was watering my tomatoes and got worried they had scampered off somewhere again."
"Ah, yeah... sorry, sure I can help." Touji blushed, not wanting to cause any more of a scene than he had to "What does he look like?" He began to look around the front yard of the abandoned house, into the long grass and thick hedges for a scrap of fur.
"I have three of them," the lady got closer, her gaze running over the garden in front of the house and then the ivy running up its side walls "One's a scrappy little red thing, likes to get into fights. One's a pale little white one that loves to whine, and one's a brown one that sulks under my bed half the time..."
Following the woman, Touji went into the backyard of the old house, seeing the abandoned fire pit that might have been used for cook outs and a small pond covered in a layer of dead leaves but it was the stained wooden patio, now cracked and broken in several places that got both their attention, their eyes going to the cracks between planks where a small creature might hide. "Hey kitty kitty kitty hey... what are their names?" Touji asked over his shoulder before peeking down into one of the holes.
"I don't really know, they have never told me," the old woman gave a laugh. "My name is Chiyo, though. At least that's what everyone here calls me." She got closer, her cane knocking against the patio wood. "And you?" the question was still friendly but pointed.
"Touji," the boy grunted before he could think, sticking his hand down one of the hole in the deck and finding only garbage and dust bunnies.
"And why Touji, are you here?" the words were pleasant enough but there was no mistaking their intent. "I've lived here a long time, I know the names and faces of everyone for a mile in every direction. We don't get many people here who come by accident."
Touji pulled his hand out from under the deck, seeing Chiyo stare at him as she sat on the small stone bench beside the pond, her cane errantly poking at the water. "I'm uh..." He gulped, he didn't want to say anything that might get him in trouble but some part of him could not face the idea of starting from scratch again. "I'm actually looking for someone who used to live here."
"Oh?" Chiyo quirked a grey eyebrow "And who would that be?"
"A girl... her name was... is Yukina, I knew her back in Tokyo-3." Touji sputtered, trying to give only the barest amount of information he needed to.
"Oh, you must have been one of her clients, then?" Chiyo gave a sly smile.
Something cold and hard twisted in Touji's stomach. "Client?" he asked, forcing as much civility into his tone he could manage.
"One of her students, she said she had a job as a tutor lined up when she left. I told her to be careful, young woman like her in a big city like that." She shook her head.
"Ah, yeah, she did. I mean she was." Touji gulped, lying as he rubbed the back of his head with his real hand, stuffing his other in his pocket as he sat down on the patio. "Not that I think it did much good..." he chuckled before realizing his phrasing. "Not that she was a bad teacher! I just mean I... I was more interested in basketball and track than... trigonometry or the Meji era."
"Your youth is yours to spend I suppose..." Chiyo smiled wistfully. "So what, you came up here to see her again? It's a pretty long walk from here to Tokyo."
"I just... want to talk to her, if I can." Touji gave a half smile. "I know I wasn't the best student, but... she left pretty abruptly and a lot of things were left unsaid. I would prefer to say them before either of us... fall off the Earth." Touji looked at the old woman, trying to study the dark blue eyes as they stared back at him. "Do you... could you help me with that? Do you know anything that might..."
"Well, I don't think any of my cats are here." Chiyo got up suddenly, tapping her cane on the stone with a crack. "I am pretty peckish, though. Would you join me in some tea and biscuits? I promise they will be among the most edible you have ever had."
Touji blinked, not sure what had just happened. "Ah, yeah, sure I can do that."
"I sure hope you can boy, or I would seriously be worried about your fortitude." Chiyo chuckled and waved Touji to follow her back where they came and then down the lane to another house, much the same to one they came from albeit obviously lived in. "It's not much but it's home..." She smiled as she led Touji up the drive way, up past several cat statues and flower beds. "Watch the bike."
"What bike? I...ow!" Touji tried not to swear as he smacked his shin against a errant bright red bicycle left around the corner of the way, "I didn't know you had kids." Touji hissed, reaching down and rubbing his leg through his track pants.
"Of a sort, far from the first boy to come and visit, I've become a sort of grandmother to the motley bunch that live in these parts." She smiled as they reached the door, fiddling with her keys. "The upside is, I haven't had to mow my own grass or trim my own hedges for years now. Downside is the little buggers like to leave their things all over the place."
Chiyo led Touji inside the house, the smell of baking bread immediately hitting him as he walked through the small lived in home. It was a humble place but well lived, the walls adorned by art of wildly varying type and quality, complex oil on canvas hanging side by side with white parchment smeared by pastel coloured children's fingers. Evidence of the cat's presence was everywhere, from the toys scattered underfoot to the scratching post made of old carpet to the basket full of blankets that sat atop the piano in the corner of the living room.
"Nice place." Touji gave a smile before sitting down on the edge of the well scratched couch. "You said you've been here a while?"
"All my life, or at least the parts I like to remember." Chiyo gave a sad smile as her eyes drifted over the pictures on the mantle before returning to Touji., "Now stay right there and I'll get the tea, you want one sugar or two?"
"I... didn't say I was having any?" Touji blinked, not sure what he was agreeing to.
"Oh hush, everyone needs a cup of tea now and then, especially after travelling as far as you have."
Touji didn't want to argue at that and so let the woman leave him for now, the warmness in the rooming seemingly leaving with her as Touji reminded himself why he was here. This woman knew Yukina and her family, she was her friend or at least friendly. If anyone knew where she was now Chiyo seemed to be it. This was incredibly lucky... so why did Touji feel miserable?
"Mrow?"
Below him at his feet sat a dark brown cat that could indeed be called sad-looking, depressed even, if that was even a thing a cat could be. "Oh there you are." Touji gave a small smile and reached out a hand to the creature, letting it first sniff and inspect his fingers before nuzzling against his knuckles. "Good kitty, don't be so sad. I..."
Before he could finish another cat bolted from its hiding place underneath the cabinet, grabbing the first cat into a full tackle. The two fought for a moment, the red and brown blending into a blur as they bit and scratched until, the third cat arrived, hissing at both until they separated.
"Uh, Chiyo?" Touji spoke up not sure if he should do more. "Your cats are..."
"Oh, don't worry about them, they fight and fight, then make up like it was nothing an hour later," the older woman called back from down the hall, her voice getting louder as she returned with a tray laden with a teapot, two mugs and a plate of cheese scones.
Awfully western, Shinji would love it... Touji thought idly as he took a hearty bite out of one of the biscuits, savouring not the taste but the intention behind it. Homemade food made with love was a rare enough treat for him he tried to enjoy it whenever he could. His mother... after his mother.. his father was no chef, not that he had the time to even if he was, leaving the three of them to subsist on frozen dinners, supplemented by take out and the occasional vegetable. He had had several meals with Hikari's family in the last few chaotic months since his fathers death, but it was getting harder and harder to enjoy them given the growing judgment on the other side of the table.
They had been friendly enough at first, even welcoming. But when it became clear he couldn't be pushed into being the type of boy they wanted for their daughter, a chill soon set into the air, one Touji was glad to escape. "So... you knew Yukina?"
"I should, I was her teacher after all." Chiyo gave a sad smile before grabbing the piano stool from the corner and sitting down across from Touji, pouring them both large mugs of sweet brown tea. "I might still have one of her old favourite finger puppets in my garage... though you'll forgive me if I don't dig them out right this minute."
"What was she like?" Touji asked, taking a sip of his tea and enjoying the taste better than the scone. "Back then, I mean."
"Sweet but quite shy. Not that's particularly special among young kids, but you kinda hope they outgrow it." Chiyo sighed, letting her mind wander. "Her family was quite strict and that rubbed off on her. It didn't matter how many times I told her to call me Chiyo, it was 'yes, Miss Saki" this and "thank you, Miss Saki that."
Touji smiled. "A friend of mine has the opposite problem. Grew up calling his adoptive mom her first name so he got used to it. Got into trouble moving to Japan."
Chiyo laughed. "I imagine that would, yes. Yukina's father.. he was in the army before he had Yukina and then became a cop so... well I guess it's no surprise where it came from... The old woman laughed. "Yukina's mother once told me the only place he didn't wear a uniform was in the bathtub." She shook her head sadly, the mirth fading from her voice. "You want to know about Yukina, he's... well he's obviously not everything but he's the mouth everything else came out of."
"I see... " Touji was not sure what exactly the old woman was talking about. "You mean she was a daddy's girl"
"Oh yes, for a long time yes. Yukina loved her mother, but adored her father. There's nothing taller in the world than a parent in the eyes of a child and Yukina had that more than most."
"Had?" Touji held the word in his hand like it was the key to everything he wanted "What happened?"
Chiyo gave a bitter laugh. "Second Impact happened, or it might be better to say, what Second Impact allowed to happen. Before that day, Yukina's father mostly handed out parking tickets and guarded subway turnstiles. After... I don't think I need to tell you how bad it got after. All of a sudden everything was on fire and there were far more mouths to feed than there were things to feed them. Overnight the mask fell off and the cops and the army went from rescuing cats from trees to... dispersing crowds and subduing rioters." She practically spat the words. "I wish I could tell you Yunkina's father did not take to his new position with gusto but lying is one of those things that only feels uglier when you get older so I try to avoid it if I can."
Touji was not sure to say to that instead taking another bite of scone before mumbling "It was a hard time for everyone." It was rote, but it came out easy. He had heard it all his life and now it was his turn to repeat it. "My father... It was a hard time for everyone."
Chiyo rolled her eyes a bit at the comment but continued "He tried to protect her as best he could, but one day well... the truth tends to come out eventually. One day her and her friends were walking home from school and decided to have a walk in a part of town they didn't normally go to and stumbled on her father and his friends dealing with some looters..." Chiyo shook her head. "What a word, eh? Everytime something awful happens, when the food disappears or the jobs go away or students are pushed around 'looters and rioters' seem to spring up out of the ground fully formed." She gave a bitter laugh, the age showing on her face for the first time since Touji met her.
Touji nodded "We had... or have plenty of that in Tokyo-3, after an Angel attacks theres so much destruction and death and... loss. People's homes and business and all that just gone, of course they are gonna take what they can get, they don't know if they are ever going to get the chance again." He shook his head. "But then when they crack down they act like this isn't our home, like we came in from the blue like the Angels did."
"Something broke in Yukina that day, something that never really healed. She would try, and her father would try, back and forth to mend things but it never worked, the pain cut too deep and his image fell too far. She got into trouble more than not, and he responded the only way knew how, a firm hand. Eventually she had to leave and after spending some time bouncing around various friends places decided to leave for Tokyo-3 to stay with her friend Hitomi and to try and become a tutor." She smiled at that but then stopped, wiping her eyes and turning to Touji. "look at you, you've got an old woman rambling."
Touji clenched his teeth. 'Hitomi. She was Yukina's friend, wasn't she? Back at dad's... place.' The only other thing he knew about her was that she died when that Angel bombarded the city with fire, the one Kensuke snuck out to film with Sakura. "Sorry. It's fine, we all get like that sometimes..." Touji gave a half smile. "I heard my dad say to a friend of his, these days the only thing you can really do is look back at the past and wonder."
Chiyo gave Touji a sad look "Maybe if you're old and grey like me. You, Yukina Hitomi, all you kids... you've got your whole lives ahead of you. You've gotta figure out what that means." Her eyes drifted over to Touji for a moment, apraisng him before flicking over to the corner. "Oh, get out of there I just..." Chiyo got up, knocking her mug of tea off the edge of her seat and onto Touji's leg.
"Ah!" the boy hissed, his body going straight as he lurched out of his seat, his metal hand reaching out from his pocket instinctively to wipe off some of the hot liquid.
"I'm so sorry! Let me get that..." Chiyo grabbed a cloth and started to wipe what was left off the boys pant leg and couch cushion. "Sorry, I guess I am just used to living alone after all these years."
"It's fine, it's fine..." Touji sputtered but the damage was done and the secret was out, both their eyes were drawn down to his cybernetic hand.
"Now, that's something you don't see everyday." Chiyo's voice was quite surprised, whatever she had suspected Touji was hiding in his pocket it wasn't this.
"Come to Tokyo-3, we got a lot of strange shit you won't believe." He gave a bitter laugh. "Sorry."
"No, no, it's fine. I guess it makes sense. The way people talk about that place it sounds like the Emerald City. How did you... if you don't mind?"
Touji thought about it for a moment but then remembered Nomura and how he had poured his heart out to a stranger. How stupid and weak he had been after a helping hand and a sad story. "Actually, I would prefer not to." He bit his tongue, realizing his position. He was two cups of tea and three scones into this conversation and had yet to acrue any actual information as to where in Sapporo, if she even was in Sapporo at all, Yukina was. He needed something. He needed to turn the tables, he needed... a story. "I don't like talking about it. Yukina was one of the only people who didn't... stare, you know?"
Chiyo nodded at that. "She's been through a lot, I'm not surprised she didn't gawk. How did you two...?"
"It was my dad," Touji started, feeling something run up his spine as he sat upright on the couch. "He grew up poor and worked as hard as he could for my sister and I, so when I started flunking classes he... wasn't pleased to say the least. But he cared enough to ask around for someone who could help and through another parent at our school met Yukina."
Touji had to repress a smile as he saw Chiyo lean forward, now her time to listen. "I hope you know its not something every parent can afford, especially these days."
"Well... like you said. We spend our youths as we choose and spend the rest of our lives regretting it."
"That's not exactly what I said, but..."
"Sorry. I guess..." Touji ground his teeth, trying to think of something, anything that might help him. All at once with a twist of his stomach it was clear. "I guess regret is just on my mind. The truth is... I really fucked up with Yukina and I want to say I'm sorry."
The old woman adjusted her glasses, something in her eyes fluttered at the edge of sympathy and cynicism. "Oh?"
'Hikari forgive me...' "I fell in love with her." Touji looked down at his scuffed shoes, shame both real and pantomime evident on his face. "She was just doing her job just trying to be nice and I... was a stupid teenage boy who confused one thing for another. One day... a couple months ago I confessed and... it didn't go well to say the least." He shook his head trying to keep the tea and scones down as his stomach churned. "I could been mature about it and let it be but I didn't. I went to my dad and lied, I said she was an awful teacher and that's why my grades weren't improving."
"So that's why she made such a hasty return home." Chiyo's voice barely tried to hide the scorn building at its edges. "You didn't just ruin her job with you, you might have ruined all of them."
"I swear..." Touji looked up from his shoes, his hands clasped in front of him "I didn't mean to do... all of that. I was stupid and cruel but... I didn't think it would be this bad for her."
Chiyo shook her head, clearly not impressed "So that's why you're here? To say sorry for killing her job and being..."
"An asshole? Yeah, but not just that..." Touji reached inside his jacket and pulled out his money, now organized and wrapped in a thick rubber band "Her and my dad agreed for her to tutor me all this year and next summer. I broke that agreement when I lied to him. This is the rest of the money I owe her, plus some more for all the other tutoring jobs she lost because of me, and some more for the move and general... shitiness."
The old woman took a look at the wad of cash and cocked her head before Touji put it away. "Where did you get all that?"
Touji shrugged. "Two part time jobs and a bunch of loans I am going to spend the next few years paying off. I know it's not as much as she deserves but..."
"I am sure she will appreciate it. A waitress's salary is barely enough to tread water, if that."
'Waitress?' Touji nodded, trying not to look excited as he finally began making progress "I hope so, It's the least I can do after everything." He took a moment and breathed deep before looking up at Chiyo and finally asking. "Can you tell me where Yukina is now?"
Chiyo took a long breath, her hands idly rubbing at her ring finger as she looked out her cats, now contentedly curled up into a ball under the piano. "I just want to ask you one more thing Touji. You said before you fell in love with her... do you still do?"
Touji gave a tired sigh. "No, I don't. She made her feelings very clear and I have had more than enough time to accept them and move on. This isn't some big romantic attempt to win her over, its just... I just want to do the right thing by her and my dad." Another twinge in his stomach as truth and lie sloshed together with so much tea.
"She works downtown in one of the dozen coffee shops in Chikaho, an underground shopping mall linking the downtown station to Susukino. I can't remember which one, but I am sure you will find her if you look."
The information given, Chiyo deflated a bit in her seat. Touji wasn't sure if it was the saying it that made her look older or the orange rays of the setting sun beaming through the curtains but when Touji stood up she looked half the woman he had been so afraid of earlier.
"Thank you. I should ahhh... probably get going before I eat all your food." He tried to give a half smile as he got up, zipping up his jacket and flicking off the crumbs that had been collecting on his lap.
"Tell Yukina I said hello." Chiyo gave a weak smile. "We didn't talk much last time I saw her. She came back to stare at her old house like you were. I am not sure what she was looking for, but I hope she found it."
Touji nodded again, not sure what to say as he made his way out, careful not to trip on fallen cat toy before looking at an old photograph wedged in between a child's drawing of a snowman and a dream catcher made of purple and orange string. It was Chiyo, standing smiling in front of a group children, beside her a white woman with short blond hair and a worn leather jacket. "A friend of yours?"
"A girlfriend, actually." Chiyo smiled and joined him staring at the photo. "She was an exchange student from America that... well.... she was the light of my life... for the time she was in it."
"I'm sorry." Touji said, not sure what else to say, not sure what to think either but to ponder idly if the blonde in the photo was the source of Chiyo's love of tea and scones.
"Don't be, I'm too old for regret. Its a weight I just can't carry anymore. There are things I would done differently and things I wish didn't happen at all... but its all my life in the end. Good and bad." She smiled and gave Touji a half hug around his shoulders. "You should get going. The buses get really unpredictable around here after dark."
"Thanks again for everything." Touji gave a small bow of he head and left, careful not to smack his shin on the bike this time.
He was two blocks away when he could not take it anymore, everything spilling out in a mess of sick splashing against the pavement.
'What am I doing?'
The ride back to the hotel was a long dark blur with transportation just as inconsistent as the old woman had warned him about. Some part of him, the part that liked to scold him like his old math teacher told him he should go to Chikaho now, to scope out the place and maybe find Yukina working a late shift. He was on a timer after all, the longer he waited the bigger the chance Yukina would connect up with Chiyo again, at which point Yuikina would surely be told of Touji's arrival and then disappear again this time without the slightest scrap of evidence to track her down.
But he didn't and perhaps couldn't. The ache in his stomach only grew and migrated along his body, his feet feeling like blocks of cement he dragged behind him by the time he reached the lobby of the hotel. How could he be so... that? It was far from the first time he had lied to someone. Even Hikari had not been immune to it from time to time, especially when it came to the subject of his father. But he had never and never expected it to come so easily, so readily like the lies were always there waiting for him in his back pocket like Matsuda's gun or the crumpled cash.
Touji fell forward on the edge of the bed, desperate for these feelings to be gone one way or another. He slept, but not well, dreaming of dreaming and wishing for more the great weight of his father pressing down on him until he struggled to breathe.
He was awoken by the sound of a heavy vacuum and the footsteps of a one of the maids opening his door, to his room.
"Busy?"
"Ah? Wuh... yes?" Touji lifted his head up, from its place on the mattress as he was pulled into the waking world taking a second to wipe the drool from his chin before shaking his head at the maid. "Later, sorry. Didn't... wasn't paying attention."
The maid nodded and left, it twas probably a response she got often... hopefully. Touji got up, dragged himself to the small bathroom adjoining and threw himself into the shower. He didn't feel... good but some of the fog that had been accumulating the last few days had cleared. He knew what he had to do and where to do it. He brushed his teeth, got dressed, charged his phone and his arm, counted his money and then...
Touji took out the gun, his fear of the thing lessened now that the goal was in front of him, visible like a port on the horizon. He looked the thing over, the dark metal cold in his hands no matter how long he held it. Taking a breath he tried to remember what Kensuke had explained to him a dozen times over the years... pull the slide, eject the round in the chamber...snap the switch, pull the magazine out... He put the bullets on the unmade bed behind him, resting the empty gun on his lap as he stared at the wall in front of him imagining Yukina standing in its place.
"You killed my father." Touji's words were sticky in his throat as he pulled the gun awkwardly from his lap and pulled the trigger, a metallic click filling the air.
Touji put the gun back on his lap and took a deep breath, trying to focus. If he thought about Yukina it was hard, but if he thought about Sakura... about her growing up without a dad... if he thought about his father smiling at him after they fought those monsters together...
Draw. "You killed my father." Click. Faster, cleaner more accurate.
Draw. "You took my dad from me..." Click, even faster, smoother, one sharp motion.
Draw. "You you... you..." Click click click.
Touji's grip on the weapon tightened for a moment before letting go, the thing falling with a thud onto the carpet. He was ready.
He took a streetcar to Odori station and began to walk around, keeping his eyes open but not wanting to look to suspicious as he descended into the mall. It was an interesting place, multitudes of shops and venues along one long corridor, thick pillars of carved wood standing in the centre of the walkway.
True to what Chiyo said, there were no shortage of cafes convenience stores and restaurants to check for Yukina, leaving him with a growing sense of despair at the thought he might have to return later and search again but then, popping out of one of the back rooms of a cafe he passed by there she was.
Her hair was slightly different to how it was in the photo, flecked with a colourful purple streak through one of her bangs, and the drab black and grey of her apron and dress were different than the lack of clothes in her photo, but it was her.
Trying to control his breathing Touji ducked into the venue across from the cafe, a small arcade full of buzzing electronics and excited children.
His gun felt heavy in his jacket pocket but he waited, buying some tickets and pretending to idle around the place, his eyes ever drifting back to across the way, following the woman as she waited tables and took orders.
'She was here, he had done it he had... well not quite yet but...' It was on the tip of his tongue just in reach all he had to do was...
Touji took a breath, realizing how close he was and the multitude of things that might happen to him in the next few hours even if all went to plan. Reaching inside his jacket into his breast pocket Touji's free hand brushed past the gun and grabbed the phone. One thing left to do...
"Uh hi, Hikari?" Touji hunched over a chirping pinball machine as he reached her family's answering machine. "It's me, Touji. I... I wanted to say I'm sorry I left like that... its not anything you did, I just... I didn't mean to make you worry, I just... I have something I really have to do to do right by my old man." The words were not coming easily, especially as he had to fight over the sound of pinball machine. "I love you... Everyone says we're too young and don't know, but I know. I love you and I wish... I wish I deserved any of the kindness you've given me. I..." his eyes flicked up, pausing his speech as he saw Yukina walk into the back of the cafe. "Sorry again. I've got to go. Please take care of Sakura... good bye."
He put the phone away, and waited, watching from his perch until Yukina emerged again from the back of the kitchen. This time she was wearing a black overcoat and had a backpack over her shoulder. She waved goodbyes to some of the other staff and left, Touji following a little while after.
The single long straight tunnel of the mall left let Touji follow from far behind, as she pushed her way through the crowds eventually forking right up a set up stairs that led to the street above.
Touji picked up his pace, pushing past a family marvelling over a toy in the window of some shop to close the distance, not wanting to lose her on a bus or street car outside.
The air was almost chilly as he emerged from the underground, his eyes blinking in the midday sun as he searched for a scrap of purple in the crowd. Finding it he followed, keeping about ten metres away as she made her way down the street.
The crowd thinned however as she moved off the main road, and then more so as she turned into a back alley, stopping suddenly as she pulled something metal from her bag.
Touji froze ducking behind a dumpster as he tried to force his brain to remember if she still had the weapon from the night she killed his father. Peeking out slowly Touji took a sigh of relief as he saw the flash of metal was from a lighter Yukina was now struggling to use to light a thin cigarette in the breeze.
Feeling something creep up his spine he reached inside his jacket for his weapon. It wasn't ideal but it was isolated enough and he should be able to slip back into the crowded mall easily enough. He pulled the gun out slowly then stopped and cursed as the phone in his jacket pocket began to ring.
"Fuck!" Touji cursed under his breath as he fumbled for the phone, sticking the gun in his pocket as he tried to silence the cheery ringtone he matched with Hikari.
But it was too late, peeking out Yukina was now looking at him, lit cigarette falling out of her hands as recognition dawned on her. "It's you..." Without another word she turned on her heels and ran hard down the alley.
"Fuck fuck fuck!" Touji barked, chasing after as best his legs could carry him. The foul word lost all meaning on his lips as he descended into animalistic response.
She turned the corner of the alley sharply, running out into a large open market, her backpack bouncing wildly against her shoulders as she tried to weave through the crowd and the stalls.
Touji was less nimble, smacking his thigh against a produce cart, spilling Rambutan all across the ground with a clatter. What he lacked in grace he made up for in strength and stamina, pushing through the protesting crowd toward the fleeing Yukina.
She kept running and running, losing her bag along the way as she pushed past a crowd at the edge of the market and down another alley, this one filled with sullen men in overalls unloading pallets from a truck into the back of a restaurant. Ducking and weaving between the workmen, Yukina nearly caused them to drop their cargo onto the pavement.
Touji's heart was pounding in his chest as he closed the distance, his body engaged in a frenetic passion he had been missing the last few weeks as he slowly slid into depression and inactivity. There was something rich, primal, and intoxicating in this feeling he could hardly describe. Vengeance within reach...
Breaking out the alley, she was almost in arm's length when she reached the edge of the intersection, throwing herself onto the road as the countdown timer beeped and clicked its last warning. Touji took a step to pursue but it was too late as he was greeted by the wailing horn of a van, its white panelled body nearly kissing his nose as it sharply turned into its lane.
Freezing, Touji but could do little but step back and watch as Yukina ran on the other side of the road, pushing past onlookers as she made her way across the plaza on the other side of the street towards an old multiplex towering at the far end.
All at once time seemed to slow down the fraccus noise of the crowd impatient sequels and honks of the traffic and the chirping birds of the crosswalk, they all faded away as Touji slowed his breathing. The path before him was clear.
Touji crossed the street slowly and calmly, making his way across the small plaza towards the movie theatre on the other side. It looked much like the ones he and Ken would frequently haunt either after school or during if the mood took them. New movies were few and far between these days, even American ones, but most theatres had enough backlogs from before Second Impact to play on repeat.
He walked in, handed the boy at the front a note, then walked before he could say anything else. The gun felt cold and slippery in his grip as he passed into the hall of theatres, eyes drifting past faded posters of buff action stars holding guns, blonde damsels in torn dresses, and irradiated monsters attacking cities. He held the gun tighter and tighter, knuckles white inside his bulging jacket pocket.
Most of the theatres were closed, most of the others being empty but a few were playing something from the sounds Touji could hear outside them.
Thud thud thud.
Touji stopped as he heard his own footsteps over the a movies operatic score. Thinking quickly he stepped out of his shoes and onto the carpet, creeping on the worn carpet as he checked the next theatre, opening the door to it just wide enough to squeeze his body in sideways before closing the door behind him with a quiet hush.
"That's my family Kay, that's not me..."
Touji crouched, trying not to cast a shadow as he entered the theatre, scanning the seats for people and and finding just one figure a young woman with short hair and grey coat sitting in the front row. He kept low, his finger resting just so on the trigger as he crept down the stairs of the auditorium until he stood right behind Yukina.
"Are you having a good time?"
Touji reached out his metal hand, gripping Yukina's shoulder hard as he pulled out the gun. He presed the barrel against the nape of her neck. "Found you."
Yukina's body tensed under his grip, her hands moving slowly from her sides to grip the arms of her seat. She didn't say anything however, simply giving short controlled breaths barely audible under the music track. Something in Touji's gut snarled. He wasn't sure exactly what he wanted, but he wanted more than this. "My name is Touji Suzuhara and I..."
"I know who you are, and I know who your father was... probably better than you did." Yukina's voice was a forced calm as she tried to keep from trembling.
"How dare you? How fucking dare you?!" Touji pulled the hammer back of the gun, hoping the click of the weapon would stir something more out of her. "I want to hear you say it I want to hear you say the words."
"I don't know what to do I don't know what to do..."
"I killed him. I shot him just like you are going to shoot me, isn't that right?" Yukina's voice held the tiniest sliver of hope.
"You can be a man!" a voice from the screen bellowed like an animal.
"That's right..." Touji breathed in,trying not to loose focus as his heart battered in his chest. "I'm doing this for his friends and brothers and his daughter and..." he started sputtering, spitting as he tried to think of something eloquent to say.
"Touji, please..." the words were quiet but pleading. "If you love your sister, you'll be the kind of brother who can come back to her."
"I said I'm doing this for her! I'm doing this for all the moments she will never have because of you!"
"A man who doesn't spend time with his family can never be a real man..."
"I lost my father when I was young. It was awful but... It would have been worse if I didn't."
"Is that why you did it? You wanted to save Sakura so she can run off and be a tramp like you?" Touji hissed. "I know. Chiyo told me all about you."
"Chiyo..." Yukina froze as realization dawned on her. "If you hurt her I..." Yukina lurched forward in her seat, crying out in pain as she flung the two forward onto the floor in front of the first row of the theatre.
For half a second there was a scramble in the dark, but Touji was bigger and he kept his grip on his gun tight as he wrestled the girl, pressing her down into the filthy floor as he climbed on top of her, protesting all the way. "I didn't.. I didn't touch Chiyo! I..." He looked down seeing Yukinas face clearly for the first time in the low glow of the theatre. "I'm not the bad guy..."
It wasn't her... this wasn't about her... Touji knew as he heard her shallow breath under him, struggling as his metal hand wrapped around her throat and squeezed as he pressed the gun against her chest.
When the world had taken his mother it had no face, just misery and empty condolences. When it had taken it his arm it had come in the night, leaving no memory but empty hours in that hospital room. When it had taken his friend it left nothing but a quick and sad message on his answering machine. Now, here, finally... he could do something. He could push back, he could...
"You look just like your father..." Yukina's hand reached up, quivering through short breaths before resting the tips of her fingers on his cheek.
"Leave it all to me..."
Touji stopped, every muscle and bone in his body freezing at once. For a moment there was silence save the score of the moving blaring over aged speakers.
Just like that. Touji let go of Yukina, falling backwards until he joined her on the floor, staring up at the ceiling of the dirty theatre with a tired breath. He stared at the pillar of light projected from the booth upstairs and onto the screen, hundreds of tiny motes of dust and grime floating in the air like snowflakes in the night.
Touji could hear Yukina take a moment to sputter and cough, trying to catch her breath as she climbed up from the floor. From the corner of his vision he saw her watch him, still splayed on the floor staring at the ceiling.
"So uh..." Yukina gave a small cough, breaking the silence as she tried to speak up over the movie. "You really do have a robotic arm huh? I heard people talking but I wasn't sure... you know how people can be."
Touji simply grunted in response, his mind not quite ready for anything too complicated as it tried to forge some path in front of him now that everything he had been building had fallen though.
"Did your dad get it for you or..."
"No..." Touji corrected her suddenly. "It was a gift, one of my classmates back in Tokyo-3 is or was one of the pilots for NERV. He... helped me out."
"Huh..." Yukina took a breath, dusting off her jacket as the tension slowly deflated in the room. "Lucky you."
"Yeah... lucky me." Touji blinked, taking one last look at the ceiling before climbing up from his spot. "Yukina..." He took a step not sure where he was going or what he was doing before Yukina held up a hand.
"Stop. Put the gun down and leave... please." there was something quivering in her eyes something begging but strong.
Touji looked down, his own body a stranger to him as he saw his grip on the weapon had yet wavered. "How do I know you won't..."
"You don't." Yukina cut him off. "Now, please."
Touji looked at her and then at the gun, sighing tiredly as he placed it in the lap of one of the seats of the front row before taking three slow steps back.
He looked at her and she looked at him, with the weight of a thousand things left unsaid falling heavy on his shoulders. Without another word he turned and left, once again burying his metallic hand in his coat pocket.
He had really done it... or not done it as it turned out. She told him to leave and he did. She had even taken his gun. He should be mad at that, furious even. In his heart he felt the shape of the rage he knew he was supposed to be feeling but... it just wasn't there. Whatever it took to kill her, he didn't have it.
He was a block and a half away from the theatre, in which direction he could not begin to guess when he realized he had left his shoes back in the hallway of the metroplex. Cursing himself and his stupidity he kept walking eventually finding an impromptu bazaar sprung up between two apartment blocs, merchants spreading wares on large picnic blankets.
Touji grit his teeth and looked over the motley collections, finding a black pair of sneakers more or less his size next to a stack of video cassettes. "How much?" he pointed to the pair and looked at the man nursing the end of a cigarette working the cash box.
The older man dragged a dark tired hand through grey hair before looking Touji over and giving a chuckle "For you? Eight thousand."
Touji cocked his head "Eight thousand? I could get a better pair for half the price in a dozen different stores."
"Yeah but none of those them are here and you are so..." He gave a wry smile. "Eight thousand, unless you want it to be nine huh?"
Touji rolled over his eyes and handed over the money, conceding the point and taking the shoes before putting them on in a quick movement. They were far from a perfect fit but they would work well enough as he walked around the city and travelled back home.
Home. He was going home, wasn't he? Back to Sakura and Hikari back to his old neighbourhood, or what was left of it, back to Shinji. Touji gave a tired sigh, it felt wrong to think about after everything else he and his guardian had given him but maybe... well, if school was cancelled for the foreseeable future he could get a job at NERV. He wasn't knowledgeable like Ken, or smart like Hikari's older sister but he could lift boxes and run cables and hammer a nail.
He walked from the little market to a small park in the shadow of one of the apartment towers. Children laughing and playing on the swings and playground. Touji sat down on the bench, pulling out a crushed granola bar from his pants' pocket as he watched the children play.
It quickly apparent what the popular game among many of them was as a few took turns stomping in the sand box before shoving the other into the dirt.
"My turn my turn, I'm the angel now!' A little boy with jam on his shirt announced as he flailed his arms while giving his best roar.
"Yeah, but I'm the Eva look!" one child in a hoodie mimed a big gun, complete with sound effect "Pachow, chachow you're dead!"
"Well, I'm King of the Angels! Look at me!" A third kid jumped into the sand box from atop the monkey bars, splashing sand on the previous two. "I'm the strongest ever!"
"Ugh wait your turn... why do you always have to be such a dork?"
Touji chuckled despite himself. It was hardly in good taste, but they were kids, and besides... were Ken and him so much different?
He let out a long sigh, thinking about his friend. That was what was next, he supposed, if he could trek to one side of Japan to find Yukina he could do it again to see his friend. What would happen if anything he was not sure, but he could not let himself slide into misery again. He had to push forward, he had to find... something. Maybe he would even stop by and say hello to Nomura on the way back. He would have a lot of apologies to make but maybe after the two could finish that cup of tea.
Touji was snapped out of his thoughts by the sound of his phone once again going off in his pocket.
"Dammit Hikari I..." Touji stopped as he looked down and saw the ID on the phone was Matsuda not Hikari. All at once a chill ran through him, shaking him down to the core. Should he ignore him? He couldn't he might suspicious, might think something was wrong. Tentatively Touji brought the device up to his ear and clicked the button "Ah... hey Matsuda."
"Is it done?" The words seem to hang in the air above Touji before crashing down on him.
"I uh... yeah." Touji tried to pry what he could from his dry mouth, desperate to summon the person who had manipulated Chiyo for information. "I tracked her down to her apartment and..."
"Good, spare me the details until we can talk in person. You still have that thing I gave you?"
"Uh... no I..." Touji's mind went to the seat of the chair in the theater "I wiped it off and ditched it. I didn't want to..."
"Smart kid. Listen." the voice went from cold and commanding to something close to brotherly "You did good, great even. Your dad would be proud of you. We're all proud of you..." There was a small pause. "I didn't want to say it before because I didn't want to jinx it but I think you proved yourself... the boys and I want to do something for you."
A heady cocktail of pride and disgust mixed in Touji's stomach, the shock of what he did or didn't do in that theatre was still strong in him, but it didn't and perhaps could not erase all the wants and feelings buried deep in his heart. "Oh? What's that? I mean, thank you."
Touji could hear Matsuda's smile through the phone. "Don't worry about it, you earned it and then some. But I'll save the big speeches for tonight when I see you in person."
"Wait, tonight!?" Touji blinked "I thought you were back in Tokyo-3? What happened?"
There was another pause "I came up after I told you about the old address we found, thought you might need some help. Glad to be proven wrong." He gave a wry chuckle. "I'm with some friends now, they have a club downtown. I'll send you the address."
Touji grumbled, something twitching in his arm as he held the phone "I... I don't know Matsuda I am really tired and I haven't been eating well and I really just want to get back to Tokyo as soon as I can... I left pretty suddenly and I don't want Hikari or my sister to worry, and..."
"Aww, come on Touji." Matsuda sighed. "Do I have to spell it out for you? We want you to be one of us. It's what your dad always wanted for you, he just... didn't think you would earn it until you were older. But you did. Don't... don't disappoint us, okay?"
Touji grit his teeth, hating how easily he could be pushed. "Sure, I guess. I'll leave tomorrow, then."
"Attaboy. I'll send you the info. Don't worry about getting past the doorman, you're the VIP of the night."
With that the man cut out, leaving Touji alone to watch as the kids ceased their dramatic sand box feud as parents swooped in to take them home.
"It's getting dark sweetie, time to head home for dinner. You have school tomorrow," one mother spoke as she collected errant toys scattered across the playground into her bag, finishing with a plastic looking pistol with a orange tip half buried in the sand.
The child was having none of it, though, stomping his feet as he tried to pry the toy from his mother's grip. "You never let me have any fun! I hate you!"
Had his father ever done for him? It was hard to remember the day to day of living when life was so punctuated by violence and loss. He had so many feelings tied up into his father, but what kind of man had he really been?
The whimsy of the scene dissolving, Touji got up, sighing as he made his way out of the park back towards the heart of the city.
Stepping off the streetcar Touji took a moment to look at the club Matsuda had directed him to. It was different but not so different than his father's place back in Tokyo-3, albeit obviously before the Angels ground the city into so many pieces. The one defining difference was that it was unmistakably a club, where as his fathers The Rose was a gambling parlour as well as a bar.
Touji looked up at the naked woman made of neon straddling the sign, her legs kicking back and forth as she blew sweet kisses to those passing by and inviting them in. He stood his ground, his feet rooted in the pavement as he thought.
He could lie, couldn't he? He had before, he lied to Nomura and to the waitress and to Chiyo. He could just... keep going. He would have to wouldn't he? He would have to carry what he did or didn't do here with him for the rest of his life. The rest of his life.
Touji shook his head, it wasn't something he wanted to think about. He could do this, have a few drinks, shake some hands but refuse any permanent offers of membership, say whatever he needed to say to put them off.
"Hey, Touji! There you are. I was getting nervous." Matsuda poked his head out of one of the main doors, gesturing him over from across the street. "Don't mind the line, you're with me."
"Ah, hey." Touji gave a shaky smile and nodded, crossing when the light turned green and getting close to the older man who clapped him around the shoulders with muscular arm as he brought him inside.
It was loud and hot, with a thick miasma of sweat, cheap cologne, and strong liquor that made Touji's eyes water as Matsuda dragged him into the club, the neon outside mirrored inside tenfold as each dark booth, each wall and each stage was lined with pink, green, and blue light.
Touji could not help but wonder how close his father's place had been to this, in spirit if not specifics. Half naked waitresses serving drinks while naked dancers strutted up and down the stage. He could not help himself but stare. Yukina had been like that for his dad once, right?
"See something you like?" Matsuda snickered. "I promise you can get all close and personal later, after the formalities."
"About that." Touji gulped, following along, trying not to cough as he got a face full of cigar smoke from a random patron. "I was thinking and I am not sure I want to, you know fully..."
"Ah, don't worry we'll sort out the details later. Tonight is about honouring your dad as it is about anything you do." Matsuda smiled. He grabbed a shot of something from the girl running the neon light show bar and handed it to Touji. "For your nerves."
Touji took the drink and slammed back the liquid, his mouth tasting something like lemon scented gasoline for a moment before he gulped down what was left, letting off a low, throaty cough. "Sorry. Thank you but I really should..." he took a moment, stopping and looking out over the crowd as he realized Matsuda was dragging him through the club towards... "Wait.. where is everyone?"
He could not say he knew all of his fathers friend's and associates, the day of his funeral had been a blur of shaved heads tattoos and dark suits but he was familiar with enough to make their absence among the patrons tangible.
Before he could wonder more Matsuda's grip around his shoulder tightened and something sharp an metal poked him between his ribs. "You're going to come with me, kid."
"Matsuda, what the fuck are you..." He would have protested more, but the knife in his side slid in deeper. It punctured his jacket and poked into the skin beneath, silencing any further argument.
Touji was dragged to the back of the club, down a long hallway, past the last of the booths or girls, past the private rooms, past the beaded curtain into the staff section. The glitz and sex replaced by a bulletin board, a break room and a punch clock before finally passing out the door to the loading bay where Touji was dropped unceremoniously onto the pavement.
"Why?" Touji grunted, trying to climb onto his feet before two figures emerged from the shadows of the lot. They nodded to Matsuda behind Touji and barred his escape.
"It's cliche to say but I really want you know this isn't personal, Touji. I just needed you out of the game one way or another and this is another." Matsuda slashed with the knife aiming for Touji's neck but hitting his shoulder as he rolled on instinct.
"I wasn't in the game, you stupid..." Touji barely had a moment to wince at the pain before the other two men grabbed him from behind, prying his arms apart to leave him exposed to another strike to his chest.
"Not now, not yet. But how long would that last? That money the boss gave you won't hold forever, and when it runs out what then? Are you, Touji Suzuhara, going to hit the books and become a doctor? A lawyer? NERV commander? No... You'll come crawling back to us. And what's worse is people might follow you. Your dad was a popular man, and you showed yourself that day those bugs wreaked hell on downtown." Matsuda put the switchblade away an began to feel Touji, patting him down from his shoulders down to his ankles "Huh. You really did get rid of it. I'm surprised. Kid like you, I thought you would keep it as a souvenir."
"I'm not that guy..." Touji choked out desperately, one of the men's knuckles pressing against his neck. "I just wanted to make things right..."
"Your dad would have kept it." Matsuda chuckled. "Toshiro would not have needed to be told by me to go, either, he would have rolled up with me and half a dozen other guns and iced the bitch and anyone else unlucky enough to be standing next to her."
"Don't talk about my dad..." Touji tried to fight, to wrestle himself out of the two men's grip but getting nothing from it but a sharp punch to he the stomach from Matsuda that took the wind from him.
"Oh shut up... Are we still doing this? Your father might not have been as smart as me... I doubt he could have planned this little adventure for you... but he was no less brutal when he wanted to be."
"This was all... you did all of this to get rid of me?" Touji tried not to cry, all the promises and accolades Matsuda had promised and showered him with falling before his eyes.
"It wasn't that hard. It could have gone a lot of different ways, all of them in my favour. You come up and kill the bitch but get caught... you're out of the picture and I win. You come up and she kills you like she did your papa? You're out of the picture and I win. You come up and kill her clean... you're up here nice and isolated for me to kill you myself." He punctuated his last words with a hand around Touji's throat. "I win."
"Ah, please..." Touji's breath caught in his throat as he tried not to panic, thinking of something anything he could do as Matsuda took the knife back out, flicking it open, the blade glinting in the low light of the dock.
"Sorry, kid. I..." There was a sharp crack in the air, harsh and sudden and echoing around the small space. All heads turned to find the source before it went off again, punching through the darkness accompanied by a flash as the bullet ripped into Matsuda's hand "Ah, fuck!"
The knife fell with a clatter as he reached to desperately grab at his hand, now oozing blood.
One of the men holding Touji let go, making a break for the door when he got hit with the next volley, two shots landing squarely in his chest.
He feel against Touji. His weight now pulled Touji forward, carrying the other man still gripping his shoulder with him onto the pavement.
The two tussled on the ground for a moment, rolling in the muck and bumping into Matsuda's now dead comrade before Touji's instincts and metal arm won out, smashing in the man's teeth with a wild swing.
Touji breathed, tasting iron on his tongue as he looked up, seeing Matsuda climb the ledge of the loading back into the club as a familiar figure came out of the shadows. "Yukina? You saved me you... followed me?"
"In case you changed your mind. I didn't think... why were they trying to kill you?" The girl helped Touji get to his feet before stuffing the smoking gun in her jacket pocket.
"With my dad gone Matsuda took control of his area, and he didn't want to worry about me trying to take over down the line." Touji took a hard breath, then nudged the body of one of Matsuda's men, idly wondering what his name was before checking the inside of his jacket for a weapon and finding a grey pistol old enough to be his grandfather's. "I gotta go deal with him before..." He took a step before he was stopped by a hand on his shoulder.
"Touji, you need to get out of here now. For God's sake..." She pleaded, her voice descending into rasps. "Someone probably heard the gunshots and the police are already..."
Touji turned and looked at Yukina taking just a moment to study her face. He had tried in his dreams. He had turned her into his sister or his mother or his girlfriend, he had turned her and twisted her this way and that but... in the end it didn't matter she was herself and that was enough.
"I... have to do this." He pushed away her hand and turned back to the bar. "If he gets away, my family... it has to end here."
Yukina looked like she was about to say something but didn't, instead giving a sad smile. "I'll be here if you... when you..."
Touji didn't look back, climbing the ladder at the end of the dock and walking back into the club. Panic and screams mixed with the synthetic dance tracks pumped from the speakers as the places staff and patrons dropped what and who they were doing to flee as fast as they could from the violence.
Scanning the room, Touji did not see Matsuda, but he did see a trail of blood running across the floor and overturned tables as it worked its way up the stairs to the manager's office on the second floor.
He took one step and then another across the now deserted room, grinding upbeat music still blaring from the speakers around him as he tried to focus. He knelt down and raised his gun to aim at the closed manager's door.
A moment later a crashing boom joined the music, splinters of wood and pellet spraying across the bar towards Touji.
Touji dived towards the bar, a sliver of wood the size of a pencil grazing his leg and cutting through his jeans.
Laying on his back Touji looked up at the mirrored wall behind the tall collection of coloured liqueurs, spying Matsuda awkwardly holding large gun in his bloody grip at the top of the stairs.
Touji climbed up to his knees, poking up his head up above the lip for the bar for a second to confirm he was still there before popping up again to fire a few shots.
One missed Matsuda entirely while the other clanged as it ricocheted off the metal railing.
He dropped back down behind the bar just before Matsuda fired again, shrapnel blasting the bottles of schnapps and whiskey above Touji's head, shards of glass scratching against the back of his neck.
He popped back up and fired again, cursing the weapon's flimsy feel in his hands, like each shot threatened to tear the whole thing apart from he inside.
Matsuda jumped from the edge of the stairs to one of the booths, hiding behind a thick overturned table.
Touji felt panic start to set in. Matsuda was getting closer and had that... thing. While he was four shots deep into a magazine he could not imagine held more than six or eight shots.
Desperate, Touji let his gaze drift across his side of the bar, the pipes, the fallen cash, the scattered lemon rinds and ice cubes... the thick black wires from all over the building that all coalesced into a metallic control box.
He reached over and turned one of the dials down. Suddenly the music stopped. The only sounds were his breathing and Matsuda loading his shotgun.
Touji took a deep breath, holding his gun tight in his hand as he reached the other dials, taking a moment to kick off his shoes before turning the rest of the controls down completely.
Total darkness filled the club as Touji scampered out from behind the bar, holding the image of where Matsuda was in his mind as he crept closer, his heart hammering in his chest as he took an abandoned drink from a booth beside him and tossing it hard into the wall behind Matsuda, the glass shattering as it met the drywall.
On instinct Matsuda turned wildly and and pulled the trigger, unloading two barrels of shot that for a brief flash illuminated the room as Touji closed the distance, barrelling into the man in the dark as he unloaded every thing he had.
*
Yukina held the flickering cigarette in her hands like one of her mothers old rosaries, trying to keep an ear out for sirens on the wind as she waited for Touji's return, each second feeling like an eternity among the foul air and broken bodies.
Eventually limping a figure did emerge from the dark of the entry bay, a bruised and bloody, but alive Touji. "Thank god you're... is it..."
"It's done... lets get out of here."
Yukina didn't try to argue the point, leading Touji back the way she had come before. They slipped through a gap in the fence before hurriedly walking a few blocks away from the club towards a small park. They were were not far in however before Touji's steps slowed to a crawl, eventually stopping entirely and collapsing on the soft grass beneath their feet as they were half way up a small hill.
"What are you doing? Come on, we gotta get out of here. The cops are gonna sweep this place any second." She tried to pull him up, succeeding only partially as the boy took a few steps before careening back to the ground, landing in the heap under one of the parks many cherry trees.
"Sorry, just let me catch my breath." He let out a tired sigh as his gaze drifted out across the darkened park, the moon hanging heavy as it reflected across the water of the pond. "Do you feel that?"
"Touji, we really have to go...." Yukina stopped as her eyes wandered down Touji's chest, to a dark red spot below his ribs that was only getting darker.
"It's getting... I think it's snowing... isn't it?" There was a slight smile on his face at that as he looked out across the shifting water of the pond.
"I should go... I can get someone to..." Yukina panicked, no idea what she could say that would not immediately land them both in prison or worse.
"Please just... stay with me." There was something in the boy's eyes that made Yukina smile sadly as she joined him under the rustling leaves of the tree.